Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language,

adult humour and sexual scenes.

Harder!

Fucking amateur hour. Harder.

Turn.

No - Art section. Art.

What's the Swedish for 'Art'?

We are German Mr Barnard.

Mama, die Kunst. Kuntz. Kuntz.

No wait - back! Stoppen.

# Money #

Oh no you fucking don't!

# The best things in life are free #

Liz? Lizabeth? You lazy dickhead.

Come and help me with these fucking boxes of cri...

Hey, what the fuck you playing at. You don't work 'ere.

Mum's at the doctors.Oh Mum's at doc- alright Mum's at doctors.

Right, I'm sorry to inform you this love.

But you don't inherit the fucking job.

It's not the pissing House of Lords.

Fine. Stout and a bag of scratchings for Jim,

and one of the bogs is blocked - also Jim.

It's both bogs.

Jesus fucking Christ, Jim!

You could have left this open for me, couldn't you dick head.

Yeah well, I can't pinch one out at home, can I?

I've got ladies staying.

They're lezzas, yeah, but they're still women.

Just much hairier. Jim, stop talking please.

You're so fucking close to getting barred.

Oh... That's erm...

I'll tell you what,

you are in fact hired.

Congratulations err, just as you were basically.

Hang on, Jim.

Huh?

How'd it go at the doctors. Are you alright?

Oh yeah, I've just got bumpy tits.

Your nan had them as well. You'll probably get bumpy tits.

Aww. Thanks mum.

Look but, while I was there, they made me do like

a 'health check' thing,

and when it was over, the doctor turned around to me,

and she said that I am a 'functioning alcoholic'.

Functioning.

No doctor as ever used the word 'functioning'

in front of that word before.

I feel like I've been given like a new lease of life.

And I was thinking - what am I gonna do with it?

You know, what's next for me?

Stop drinking? Open a pub!

Oh. You went... that way. OK. Yeah.

But not just me. Us. Me and you.

Little family run business.

I was basically running this place before the little fella

got his dirty mitts on to it.

And you've had loads of like customer-facing experiences

with your- with the 'stripping'.

That was years ago. Yeah but it was still face-to-face.

Well it wasn't my face that was the focus as a rule.

I think it could be a right nice little earner.

The pub, not your face.

Ah again - thank you.

Just imagine it, right, you and me, behind our own little bar,

night after night, side-by-side?

Yeah. I'm imagining that.

Your masseuse was shit.

Oh God yes. Yeah but err very discreet.

Where's Vincent? Vinnie. Oh he's err...

He's gone to Blackpool a couple of days.

Hmm. Alright for some. Have you been to Blackpool?

Anywhere would be better than these four fucking walls.

So is there any- anything else or shall I just fuck off.

I have a task that I need attending to and in the absence

of the tattooed one,

it looks as though you're going have to act as my right hand...

Oh sweetheart. I'm not wanking you off.

I want someone dead.

Oh... Oh right. Err well I- I can get you a bloke

who'll pretend to be dead, yes,

lovely good chap, very cheap, very amenable. If that's-

No Thomas.

I want you to bring me somebody who is already dead.

Oh. Oh OK. Right well just...

..anyone, or is there one specific?

Anus Quigley. 'Anus'?

Well Amos to his family, but everyone called him Anus,

on account of him being an utter and total arsehole.

And he claimed to have invented anal.

I can assure you, he did not do that. No.

As a genre... Thomas.

Oh.

Do tell.

He was a major porn magnate in the 1990's.

Did very well from it.

So our Barry decided to invest,

help finance his transition into the future of adult entertainment.

The internet?

Blu-Ray.

It's like you're in it. So to speak.

But it seems Quigley had seen the death of physical media coming.

He'd been recruiting investors left right and centre

and as soon as he had all of Barry's money he was gone.

That little fucking...

That deal was our Barry's pension

and that fucker Quigley, robbed him of it.

As it turned out, Barry didn't really 'need' a pension.

Sorry, just talking out loud there.

Our Barry went to his graves...

Plural. ..without his revenge.

I'm sorry err, if this Anus had breathed his last.

Sorry very visceral image there. Doesn't that sort of err...

draw a line under it?

Thomas, did you know that when King Charles

came to the throne he was hellbent on bloody vengeance.

Well because of Megan and Harry and all that? Y'know.

No, King Charles the Second... Oh different one, right.

He dug up Cromwell's body,

the man who'd put his father to death,

hanged and beheaded the corpse.

Just to make a point.

Oh, well it's err... fascinating in't it.

Sorry, what has that to do with erm-

Oh fuck no.

Oh fuck yes... Now go get him Thomas!

No way!

Who is this fucker, are you joking?! Ash!

Oh sorry.

Sit the fuck down, he's already dead!

In't he, you can't hurt a corpse.

Anyway since when were you two so fucking squeamish?

Can we stop saying fuck! Oh Fuck. Sorry.

It might have been about y'know fucking Manolito?

What about fucking Barry McDonagh eh?!

Barry McDonagh's different, Barry McDonagh exploded into five

little pieces, that's better.

Six pieces, Ashley. How is that better?

If you don't fancy it, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, just err...

do me a favour, pop up and tell Davey, would yer?

Where's the body? Coroner's.

Err body gets released to the family on Monday, so we'll you know-

Swoop right in, get it. Lovely.

Which coroner? Blackburn.

Oh, piece of piss then,

it's just a shitty office off the high street.

A stiff breeze would blow the back gate in.

Oh High Street's bad news, security cameras central.

Which is why, JJ, all we need is a car with no past.

No. I know I'm no saint, yeah,

but I am drawing the line at body snatching.

I've got a little boy to look at in the eye!

You fucking turd.

Well, if it's just a stolen motor we need, err, there's always...

I actually resent the implication, Thomas.

That you're after stolen goods and you've come to me,

a member of the traveling community.

There's a word for that you know.

No, no, no, listen.

Right Mick, what I'm saying, Ashley it's-

Got yer.

Ah very good. Yeah you got me. You got me.

Ashley said to me... Alright!

So, what colour are you after? Red, silver, black.

Oh I don't know. Whatever you've got really.

Oh no, I've got nothing.

But sure it's only three o'clock. High tide for a bag of mischief.

Let's go.

Hey! Is Napoleon tiny parts around?

No. He's out. Why? Right, have a look at this one?

Look two bars, little garden, flat upstairs.

Oh. I don't know. That's a bit of a trek, in it?

It's Ramlington? It's just past Preston.

You do know you need a license, don't yer?

It's got a license.

No, you need a license. To run a pub.

You personally need a license to sell alcohol.

Err here Liz, give us a look.

Here.

Oh, that is sick. Yeah?

Yeah, honestly you need to go and have a look.

I'll give you a lift if you like?

Great. Thank you. I'll give 'em a ring now.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Your mum is tryna set up shop thirty miles away

and you're tryna put her off. Yes, set up shop with me.

Oh come off it.

The record for you and her not arguing is like what, 27 minutes?

Two days together, she'll be chasing you out of there

with a fucking broom, alright.

Which means we'd be back here, just the three of us,

without her mental approach to childcare and parenting and...

just oh, everything. That is my mum you're talking about.

OK, fine, fine look, I'll just go and tell her it's a bad thing.

Alright, alright. I mean you know, let's not be hasty.

What are you doing there. Stop making mouth noises.

I've got something in my tooth.

There's no lights on out front. I think we're good.

Right, lovely. Is this thing electric or what?

It is, yeah. I'm tryna be more environmentally conscious, Ash.

Mick, I'm not sure people's issue with car theft is the emissions.

Do you know what I mean? Anyways, don't go too fast.

It's one padlock.

This thing's a glorified milk float, we'll need the run up.

Right, hold onto your hats!

I think the battery's damaged.

You fucking idiot!

I didn't know there was gonna be bollards there, did I!

Oh Jesus. Run away. Run away. Run away.

So err, does it hurt, this then?

Like you wouldn't believe.

Oh...

Oh you fucking stupid bastard!

We've been fucked. By a pervert.

They will do that, yeah.

Gary did some digging with his undertaker mates.

Figures.

Apparently some guy's been breaking into the coroner's at night

and 'doing things' with the bodies. Oh...

The problem is they didn't catch him.

So they've had to overhaul security to try and stop the little bastard.

Which explains the bollards, the alarm, and fuck knows what else.

Right, we'll have to find another way in. So was he fondling corpses?

Well rumour is he dresses them up...

..and recreates classic album covers.

Oh well I think that's better than what I imagined?

It is surprisingly peachy isn't it actually?Yeah that's fine.

Hang on a moment. No, no, no, this guy clearly knows

another way into the coroners don't he?

We have to track down this bas-tard.

When the cops couldn't?

Laugh ye not dickface. OK.

Because what I have, that the police don't have

is my underground network of sexual miscreants.

That is true. Dirty bastard.

Yeah 'The Illuminasty'. Oh. Nice little word play.

Very good.

OK listen. You just need to keep him safe, hug him if he cries.

And we will be like three hours max.

Oh you'll be fine. He more or less looks after himself.

He absolutely doesn't!

As you can tell, he's used to a very low bar...

Right ready? OK, Bubba be back soon.

OK, now, you are gonna be a good little boy for your Auntie Ally.

I'm not your Auntie mate.

Oh, and he might need changing.

Changing?!

Into what?

You sure this is the right place, yeah?

I trust my sources. The Illuminasty have come good.

They always do Ashley. They always do.

Oooh.

Red flag there. Odd yeah.

What is that? What's this fella's name again?

Wet Greg.

'Wet Greg'?

Wet Greg. I only know his chatroom name.

Yes?

Err Wet Greg?

Fuck! Get him, Ashley!

Get him Ahsley! Get him Ashley!

Stop it Wet Greg.

No! No! Piss off! I want my lawyer!

What do you want your fucking lawyers for?

I thought you were the police?

Do we look like the police?

I'm in a velour track suite love. Yeah. X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Well we'd have to put the 'M' back.

Or add an 'E'? What The Queen's Ears?

Front bar. Back bar...

Bar.

Oh thank fuck, she's here.

Six month lease. Last landlord hit by a bus.

That's what you want. Is it?

Oh yeah.

With landlords it's normally one of the three b's -

breakdown, broke or brawl.

Yeah.

It's so reassuring when the last guy's just hit by a bus.

Unless he stepped out on purpose?

Good point.

Doesn't say...

Oh it doesn't say. Really, you sure you want to check again?

Right. Let me know if you want it.

Oh well, the layout's all wrong, isn't it.

No. A bit of imagination, alright.

Look, I'm thinking, new booths back there.

Yes.And you could do a cheeky little rebrand.

Goodbye 'The Queen's Arms', hello 'The Queen... Elizabeth'.

You know, 'Just popping down The Liz for a pint', trips off tongue.

Oooh, I'm popping down The Queen Liz for a pint.

Yeah. I could put- I could put a painting of me...

Well it's in the bag...

Gonna pop for a piss.

Dad?

Jehan?

Shit!

Sorry!

Hey, hey, hey, hands.

Hands. Hands.

Oh my God, I mean. This is- Oh my God.

Err oh 'Rumours: Fleetwood Mac'.

Not a great Stevie Nicks,

but that Mick Fleetwood was too good to miss -

the bloke was six foot eight. OK.

Wow. Impressive what you've done there.

They almost look alive don't they? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh 'Tapestry: Carole King' - had to bring my own cat.

Aww. Oh 'Blondie: Parallel lines'.

Big pile up on the M6, so I could do them and Queen.

While I hate to interrupt- Please, please interrupt.

So yeah, so I'll cut to the chase.

We need to know the lay of the land.

How do you get in there? What's in it for me?

Well we don't show this muck to the police.

Uh-oh!

Gimme that. Hide that mate.

That's blackmail! Oh I mean that's exactly what it is.

Yep that's blackmail. That's blackmail. He says like that.

Gotcha. Alright. What do you need?

How the fuck do we get in the coroners?

Senior Care.

I'm sorry, what now? Senior Care.

It's a charity shop - there's one right opposite the Coroner.

I got a job volunteering.

They are a lovely bunch, but clueless when it comes to tech.

So I offered to 'upgrade their security'.

I add a camera, point it at the coroners

and stream the entrance code only to me.

Oh he's clever. You've gotta give him that.

He's clever. A freak!

Then just wait for them to go home and I can come and go as I please.

Go and cum as you please, in your case.

Cos of the- Looking at all the-

No! That's perverse!

I'm only in it for the art.

What your saying that we can still get in the front?

Well technically, yeah.

What if we got a van with a sliding-door,

park it up close to the entrance- Err uhum.

It's pedestrianised, the high street.

You can't get a vehicle down there without a key from the council.

Err what if we walked it out?

Shut up Mick, please. Don't be a twat, Mick.

Stop Mick. Don't be a twat Mick.

Not you! You fucking circus act.

Hang on. Hang On.

The body gets handed over to the family on November 1st, right?

What you getting at?

So, if your gonna have any chance walking a dead body down

the main street, on any night of the year.

Oh... It's the night before that.

Halloween. Halloween.

Cos of the costumes and all that. Yeah, yeah we've got it.

This is mad, you know. Like proper mad.

I mean it's been years. Yeah. A long time... long time.

Right. When did you get back?

Well, just a few days ago. Right.

What the hell are you doing in Ramlington?

I have a friend here.

Well why didn't you just call?

I mean you could have just come and stayed with us.

No, no, no — I would have... didn't wanna bother you, y'know-

Dad, you'd be no bother.

No, I'm only here for a few weeks.

Right, OK. And so, what?

You weren't gonna call me?

No, no! I was- I would've- It's just that erm...

Just what?

What?

Well, I'm...

..ill.

I'm ill.

I thought his dad lived in India?

Oh shit, is that racist? Am I a racist?

No, he does.

He went there for work when JJ was like 18/19.

Y'know there's the odd phone call, birthday cards, but otherwise.

And that was the last time he saw him?

In the flesh - yeah. I think so.

Wow, to do that to your own kid? Like, I mean they're a part of you.

Oh yeah alright, whatever.

Oh you soppy cow!

Oh shit. What?

Oh for fuck sake!

This is the most shit I have ever seen in my entire life.

And my dad owns a farm.

Oh. Made yourself a bit of room have you?

And I still have my British passport, so, you know,

err 'good old NHS'.

They've got a great department up in, erm...

Lancaster? The kidneys.

I thought you said it was liver? It just made sense to come back.

For a bit. Just until they get on top of it.

Right.

Is someone going to be paying for these?

Oh, Alright Faz! I didn't see you there.

I didn't know they were with you. Yeah, they're ehm...

Yeah. Sorry, Alan, hiyah.

Err Alan. Jehan. Jehan. Alan.

I'm JJ. I'm his son.

Oh. I didn't know he had another.

Does Pam know? Sorry?

Dad?

Aw. That takes me back.

I think we should take it.

This place. Oh my God! Oh my God!

Wow. Oh my God.

Oh my God, you need to behave.

We're taking the pub!

Right.

Are you OK? Yeah.

Actually no. No, I'm not OK.

Because it's all just one big fucking lie.

What is? Everything. The job.

Mumbai. Fucking cancer. What? What cancer?

There is no fucking cancer.

He's been living here this whole fucking time with his other family.

So... yeah. It's just all one big fucking lie.

Were still taking the pub, yeah? Mum!

What.

Oh God!

Right. Hear ye. Hear ye. For this, is my fucking plan.

First things first. I'm gonna lay on a Halloween Party here.

We're all gonna get into our various Halloween attire.

Do as you will, dealers choice and so on and so forth.

Then were gonna find ourselves in photos, providing us with our what?

Alibi's. Well done Ashley, very good.

Then we're gonna bundle ourselves into the van.

No, no, plug-in Hybrid. So reliable, but still green.

Well, like it's red. But it's green.

I think we've got enough, shut the fuck up.

We're gonna park the van in Castle Road.

Then were gonna promenade down the high street

just like a gang of lads just having a hard on

or a fucking Halloween night out.

Then were gonna get into the Coroner's,

and then were gonna steal Quigley's lifeless corpse.

And then covertly get into the fucking van.

From the van to the pub, from the pub

we're gonna give the dead body to Davey... and he can do-

I don't know what the fuck he wants to do here.

Any questions?

Ashley.Thank you. Err what is Wanksy doing here?

For the last time, I don't wank!

What, what, like ever at home.

I mean if anything that's even weirder.

Alright. Alright. Alright.

See, this chap knows the way down there like the back of his

very well moisturised hand. Yes I do.

So he's coming with, OK?

What about a hard on?

Ask him there, does he get a hard on?

Do you get a hard on? Do you get a hard on?

# Otis Redding: You Don't Miss Your Water #

# In the beginning

# You really loved me, oh

# I was too blind- #

Fuck!!

Shitting hell! What the fuck, Liz?!

They've refused my fucking license!

What? Why??

'Previous judgements against you make you an unsuitable candidate

for- what... It's just one little Drunk and Disorderly.

Oh, oh no and another one.

But I've changed. I'm functioning.

I clearly put functioning!

What if I were to get it?

The license, I mean.

It only needs to be one of us, right?

Would you do that?

Yeah. Of course.

Oh sweetheart!

Come here for a big- Ah mum.

Ooh, that's a torque wrench as well actually.

But this one has got a little click-clutch,

but it's similar in principle to the beam type that you saw earlier.

Yes it is.

Yes it is you cheeky bugger. Right, what else have we got?

We've got some... Knockerty, knock.

We're closed.

I just wanted to explain.

'You're a lying prick', job done. Fuck off.

It was a different time, Jehan.

Are you kidding me?!

It was 2010! Alright. We were like, on what? The fifth Fast and Furious!

Your mother and I were in trouble long before that.

Her parents wouldn't let her divorce.

So you fucked off to Ramlington with your bit on the side, eh.

No, no, never- It was never, Pam came after.

You gotta understand, I was put under a lot of pressure.

That's bollocks. You know Nani's been dead for ten years.

You could have come in here at any point

and had the awkward conversation,

but it was just easier for you, to keep me in the past.

So you could carry on playing happy families with Pam and all

your wonderful fucking kids, right.

Just the one. Navid.

He's 13.

This must be Sonny. No.

No, no, no, he's none of your damn business.

Is what he is.

Do you know of all the shit that I've had to deal with,

because I didn't have no fucker to look after me,

he's the one thing I've done right. So, if you think after 15 years

of fuck all, you're just gonna waltz back in here

when I've finally got my shit together

and play 'uncle-fucking-dad', you've got another thing coming alright!

What does 'uncle-fucking-dad'-?

I don't know! OK. It just means, fuck off!

Just fuck off, back to your other fucking family

and stop making me say 'fuck' in front of my son,

which I fucking hate.

Does he know about me?

I don't want another son hating me like you do.

Hey. Hey, hey, come here.

Dad's sorry he said 'fuck', OK.

# The Specials: Ghost Town #

There we go, lovely. Fucking 'ell.

Everywhere.

Left side down a bit, Lizabeth. There's a good witch.

Thank you Count Twat-cula.

Oh I vant to drink your bloo-

Fuck.

You said you were coming as Freddie Kruger!

Yeah, this was dead cheap. Yeah, I know it's cheap, mate.

I know it were cheap. Why do you think I got it?

Oh shitting 'ell. What?

If it was dead cheap. What's up, bludder-suckers?

Right, brilliant. Yeah. Very inconspicuous, this isn't it.

All going to Jan's fucking party shop!

Can't wait to rob a corpse in the high street, looking like this.

Should I go home and change? No mate, no, no, no

cos it's too late, in't it. So just I don't know,

fucking blend in or somert.

Oh, oh happy day, another fucking Vampire.

What? No - I'm Nick Cave.

Oh... Who's that?

It's your man off Con Air. Oh right. Yeah.

Oh sorry.

Nice outfit. You too.

I'm on my way to work. Ahh.

Oh that's not good.

Probably start again in a minute.

Yeah. Yeah.

So where do you work?

A&E.

Oh God, well that'll be busy tonight.

Chaos.

Oh shit. There's no signal...

It's not starting up again, is it?

Why the fuck is there no signal in here?

Oh I'm sure it's gonna start again any minute.

What? No!

Oh my God.

Oh.

What the fuck was that? X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

# Rockwell: Somebody's watching me #

# I always feel like somebody's watching me

# And I have no privacy

# I always feel like somebody's watching me...

Pint please, Liz. Alright.

Oh, come as a Wolfman have yer?

No, I've come as you, you cunt.

Alright. Fucking hell..

You not dressing up Jim?

I am fucking dressed up. I'm that cunt from Jaws.

He didn't have a beard? I know.

But if I shave this fucker off,

I'll spend all night fighting off minge.

Hey.

You might well fucking laugh, but I tell you,

last time I was clean shaven,

I had women all over me, like ants on a dropped fucking lolly.

As if. Bollocks.

Oh well fuckin' 'ell. There you go!

Have a look at that, fucker.

Oh wow. Jesus. Fair play to you Jim.

Fucking told ya.

This itchy bastard is hiding some prime fucking real estate.

Jesus fuckin' Christ Shirley! Fucking 'ell!

How'd you know it was me? Because you stink of sheep,

you Tutankhamun cunt.

Who's that?

# I always feel like somebody's watching me

# And I have no privacy...

What have you come has, or is this just like you?

I'm a psychotic undertaker.

Right, so you then. Come on, get in the photo.

There we go. Try and look as though you're enjoying your life.

Ahah. Oh hello there. Great right, that's our alibi.

Now let us go and find a Porn Baron!

Just try to stay calm.

I'm sorry, I need to get out of here. I can't be in here.

It's too small. I can't get locked in here. I can't breathe.

I'm no good in small spaces, I can't do this.

It's OK, you're having a panic attack. Breathe.

I can't- Follow me.

Hello, can I help?

Oh my God. Yes! Hi. Hi. Err yeah.

We're trapped in a lift in the Waverly Building.

Ah. Fuck off!

Blackpool? Yeah! Can you release us, please?

I can't. I'm in Birmingham. Can you send someone else then?

Like who? A fucking engineer!

Yeah. OK.

Bear with us, I'll just give him a call.

Fucking hell. Ignore it.

What if it's wife? Oh my God, ignore it!

Fucking tense bitch. Come on. Yes.

Wow. No fucking way.

Yeah. I had a crew cut for years. Why did you shave it off?

Err it was err, too abrasive on the headboards.

Err any chance of a straw?

Yeah. Help yourself.

You look a right cunt.

Yeah.

Oh hello. Yeah. Go on get out of it.

Right were in. Were in. Come on.

Right Meena, you keep a lookout.

# Mr Sandman

# Bring me a dream

# Make him the cutest that I've ever seen...

No.

No.

No.

# Tell him that his lonesome nights are over...

Found him. Found him.

Found him. Let's have a look.

Fucking hell, you are kidding me. Bollocks.

Fucking identical. Like brothers.

Toe tags! Toe tags! Toe tags.

Go on Mick. Toe tags.

Ah Bingo. 'Amos Quigley'!

Good man. Which fella's that off?

Err... You are fucking kidding me!

Jesus Christ Michael!

He's got more going on upstairs than you, and he's a fucking corpse.

Maybe that one! Fucking cunt.

'Distinguishing features'?

Yes Davey. You know distinguishing features.

Fucking 'ell, these teeth! Like a scar or a birthmark.

Right well. He did start out on the other side of the camera,

if you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

Oh Thomas, what I am saying is before he was big in porn,

ooh... he was big... in porn.

Oh... Quite.

Absolutely fucking not.

Fine, Michael.

Yeah, no I'm the driver,

I do not investigate fucking dead penises.

Not a chance. Fucking Wet Greg this is your bread and butter.

Come on.No. No nudity unless it was the artist's intention.

No nudity unless it was the artist's intention.

You do it every day. No way. No way.

You have seen many dicks. Fine!I have boundaries.

Oh si a benya. Bloody Christ Alive. What the hell is that.

Christ it's making my eyes water a little bit looking at it.

Standard. And that- that's him in a fridge.

Do you know what I mean, impressive?!

Right, let's take Anus for a walk.

# Jack White: I'm Shakin' #

Here we go. Nothing to see here folks.

Heavy dead bastard.

Right, get him in there. Jesus.

Is he in? Fuck, it's come out!

The beast is unleashed!

Yeah, but it's still a muff.

No, not if they shave it.

The muff is the hair.

No, the muff is the muff.

Oh you daft cunt.

Fuck. What are you serving here?

It's the straw. It makes it go straight to your head.

Everyone knows that. Well I didn't!

Here, giz a fucking straw!

Right, come on, bring him through. Nothing to see here.

Don't worry about that.

Go on, stick him in the corner, that's it, good work.

Elizabeth, sweetheart, love, birthday cakes, angel,

do me a favour, would you just crank up the air-conditioning,

right to fucking max. Almost like it's a morgue.

Right, I'm gonna send it to Davey. Now et Voila.

Done it? Piece of piss that is. The drinks are on me.

The drinks are on Tommo! No! No! No!

Not for you. I meant for them three! Fuck off!

Oh hello?

Err bit of a problem. What?

The on call guy isn't answering.

Well he's not very on-call if he's not fucking answering, is he!

Just- just keep try him please! Just keep trying.

Fuck. Think of something calm.

Can't! Something that calms you.

My son. My son.

What's his name? Tyler.

OK. OK. Think of Tyler.

No, it's not working. It's not working.

Someone else. Who makes you feel calm?

That's it. You've got someone.

Phew....Yeah. Yeah.

Vinnie. Is he your fella?

No, no, it's just if I called him he'd know what to do.

Hey. Birmingham. Can you call someone for us?

Call someone? Yeah. We need to speak to Vinnie.

# The Automatic: Monster #

# What's that coming over the hill?

# Is it a monster? Is it a monster?

Ah, there you are.

Right well listen, I spoke to whatsherface,

she said we can get into The Queen Liz by end of the-

Mum. I got turned down. For the license.

Public Indecency, 2014.

Public-? What did you do?

Nothing I wanna discuss with my mum. Oh fuck...

Can we ask JJ? Not with all that drugs shit? No.

Well I mean, it's only paperwork.

Whoever gets the license don't have to actually run the place.

They just have to say they run the place.

Like a silent partner? Yeah.

They just have to have their application accepted.

I mean we could ask...

Why is everybody that we know a total fucking reprobate?

So I said, there's no point checking for TB now,

we've fucking eaten half of it'.

Fucking state of you.

Ya lightweight cunt...

Oh, right. Quick piss.

Then I better get you home...

# Stevie Wonder: Superstition #

Oh. Alright yes, you fucking turncoat! That it, is it?

Are you gonna set yourself up in competition against me?

It's thirty fucking miles away.

Not the point mate! What about err loyalty eh?

What loyalty to you?! Yes.

I'll tell you what, you're a shitty boss y'know.

Ow?! You're- you're shouty,

you're- you're petty, you're weird,

I do all the work round here for your shitty money!

Anything else. Ooh. Sorry. Quick staff meeting.

Go on, carry on. Anymore?

No, anyway it doesn't matters,

because I didn't get the license, so fucking 'ell.

Seems like society doesn't understand the meaning of

the word functioning!

God knows how a dodgy little bastard like you got one!

OK, alright Elizabeth.

Erm first things first, I'm pretty sure that err,

terms like that in reference to your manager is in fact

breach of contract. Well I haven't got a contract, so.

I should... probably sort that, erm secondly,

if you own the lease, you don't need a license-

You do need a license! No you don't!

Yes you do. OK.

If you wanna serve alcohol, you do. OK.

Elizabeth, I hate saying this,

but I have in fact now run two successful nighttime establishments,

OK, so I'm quite confident when I say that,

if you own the lease, you don't a lic- Do you?

Yeah.Very much so. Pretty sure you do.It's vital.

It's vital. Oh dear,

looks like we're both a bit fucked, don't it.

Let's hope no one tells on you.

But... Sugar? Come on.

Oh fuck.

Fuck.

Anus didn't have hair.

No! That's the wrong one, that's Shirley!

That's not Quigley- Oh my fucking nose!

Where- where's Quigley gone?!

What the fuck. I thought Jim had took you home?

It's my fucking road too!

Oh fuck. He's got the wrong fucking mummy!

What?

Jim, he's drunk-driving with a stolen corpse!

Thomas! Go and get him then!

# The Hives: Hate to Say I Told You So #

Oh fucking hell.

Lucky fucking rabbit, you are. Oh fuck.

Where you fucking going on holiday this year. The fucking pyramids?

Fuck off, knob head!

Oh for fuck sake! See what you've fucking done now?

You fucking He-man cunt.

Leave the talking to me, yeah. Fucking keep it shut.

Oh bollocks. What do we do now?

Well, go to prison is the usual procedure.

Keep schtum. I'm gonna course in diplomacy.

Alright Jim? What the fuck is it this time?

What is it every time? You're pissed.

Am I fuck.

Jim, I can smell it on your-

Is he alright?

He's just wankered. Can he breathe through all that?

Hey, what are you, his mummy?

Just take that shit off his face will you.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Fuck!

Just... drive careful!

Oscar Zulu One-Seven, assistance required.

Me drive careful? You've just lost your fucking door!

Jim! Ooh fuck.

Get in the back!

You taking us home? I'm not a fucking Uber?

Thank fuck for that.

Oh fuck off.

Hello? Are you Vinnie?

Who's asking?

Your friend Erin is stuck in a lift, and she wants to speak to you.

Erin, what's going on. Are you alright?

No Vin. No, I'm stuck.

In a lift. And the lights keep fucking flickering.

Alright, look just listen.

You've been in worst positions than this haven't yer, eh?

No.You got locked in a cage with fucking lion.

She's been having panic attacks.

Oh hello. Who's that? Alex, I'm here with your friend.

She's been really kind. She's been helping me breathe.

Erin, what's going on sweetheart, are you OK?

No.

It's since the coach Vin. Look,

I haven't told you, but I keep getting really, really bad anxiety.

Right well it's- I mean that's normal.

That's natural. We all nearly fucking died.

No, Vin. I mean it, like really, really bad.

And I just keep thinking like...

First it was Dylan, then the coach. What's next?

Well they say things come in three's.

Well, yeah they do...

But I mean there'll be a bloody sell by date on that, won't there,

things come in fucking three's I mean Christ?

I just don't want anything else bad to happen.

Sweetheart. Nothing else bad is gonna happen.

I'm all dressed up for Halloween.

Halloween always reminds me of when I found out I was pregnant.

I remember err...

..walking down to the shops... in shock.

Sat down on this bench...

..and Frankenstein come and sat next to me.

He saw that I was crying.

And he said it'll all be OK.

And it was.

You know, I didn't think I wanted a baby.

That boy, has bonded us for life Vin.

And I want you to be in his life forever,

and I don't want anything- anything bad to happen.

Listen.

Nothing else bad's gonna happen sweetheart for God's sake it's-

Life's been good. We've been fucking seizing every day out 'ere.Vin.

You're my best friend.

You've always had my back.

And in another universe, you, me and Tyler...

..would be together like a normal family.

I wish I could find that universe, love.

Yeah me too.

Listen, I'll say it, just so it's said.

Erin. Hmm.

I love you.

I love you. And I love- I love Tyler.

And I know I don't sound very brave now, but I'll always help you,

if ever need me.

If you ever get stuck in a lift again, y'know I just...

I just want to be the one that you ring?

Do you promise?

Yeah, I promise.

One sec. The lift engineer's calling.

I'll put you on hold. Thank God.

Why not this universe?

Oh thank God. Oh God my heart. My heart. My heart. My heart.

Right. There you very much go love.

Thank you Thomas. It's alright. Actually looks err...

looks quite peaceful there, don't he.

Not for long.

Oh, oh fucking hell Davey, alright, do you know what?

Reckon I've got somert I could just be getting on with-

Oh fuck it. I'm just gonna say it, mate.

I'm sorry,

but do you think maybe it's possible that even by your standards,

you've gone to a slightly weird place.

No offence! No offence! No offence meant.

Right, I just mean, do you think lately cooped up in here,

you're going a bit fucking nuts eh?

I've no other option, do I sweetheart?!

Well what I'm saying is, maybe you do, maybe it's time

that you spoke to Joey Kittens. Yes, I've tried that.

Maybe, maybe we broker a truce, how's about that? Clear the air.

And speaking of which, have you thought about popping open a window?

Cause it does sort of... stink.

I'll think about it.

The window or-? The meeting.

Meeting.Thomas. Oh yes.

Now, if you do not mind,

Mr Quigley and I have got some catching up to do.

In honour of my brother. No, you knock yourself out.

I tell you what just err, put a sheet down, before yeah butcher-

Ah OK.

Oh I've been looking forward to this, Anus. For a long time...

What a shame that our Barry's not here.

Hmm. Oh he'd be saying...

Well, he was man of few words, as you know.

But deceptively adept at word games.

Those tiny tiles in those big hands.

Rare talent that...

Rare talent.

Jehan err... How did you err..? Tony at the pub.

Listen, don't worry, I'm not here to tell him his dad's a spineless liar,

I know how that feels. I need something.

And seeing as you haven't given me anything, my entire adult life,

you are gonna give it to me.

What?

A signature.

License to sell alcohol?

Yeah. Yeah. It was just err...

you know a little something I need for my family.

What if it goes all tit's up?Yeah. It's a fucking worry, isn't it.

I mean, you don't really know if you trust me.

You don't really know what sort of a man I am.

Who's fucking fault is that?

# Ask yourself if you are happy

# And then you'll cease to be...

Did, alright.

I'm lost for words.

Aye. Well look erm... Thank you for everything and erm.

Sorry for erm...

..everything. Good luck with the Queen's Arse.

It's a bit quiet at Ramlington. Yeah, it's a bit too quiet.

So erm, well you haven't get a license. And I...

I have got a license...

Why don't you just pay me double, and make me a manager -

and I'll run the place for you, like...

I'll stay here. What does... what do you think?

Fine. Shake her hand then, you dozy prick!

Right. Right.

Sorry. Think we're stuck with her.

Ah well y'know, there are worser things.

And you've changed your tune. Yeah, well y'know...

It's family.

Right, who wants a drink? They're on the house!

Fucking hell! No Elizabeth.

Oh my God! I think he just said something.

What?! What did he say?! I think, he might have said 'mum'

or something.

Fuck.

Brilliant.

# James Brown: I Feel Good #

Dismember. # I feel good

# I knew that I would now

# I feel good What?

Oh yes, I'll help you out again sweetheart.

Hmmm... Well, I suppose we could erm,

turn... the... tables.

What? On Joey Kittens?

Davey and Kittens are gonna fucking meet, finally.

Just like the last supper.

But which one of you is Judas Iscariot.

What the fuck have you done man!

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