Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language,

adult humour, and adult themes.

Fucking state of that.

Honestly, you send them a perfectly good passport photo,

they send it you back looking halfway between Pablo Escobar and the local paedophile.

I think you look cute. I tell you what,

if I was ten years younger... Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth,

but we, A: have it on good authority

that you do in fact have a... how do we call it, cursed vagina?

Bewitched. It's wise.And B:

I think it's highly inappropriate for you to be flirting with me,

because I am to be your future manager.

Oh, dear God.

After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made

of the Rat and Cutter, you're now gonna buy this, are you?

Not buy it, Vincent, lease it. And no, I haven't made

a fucking clusterfuck of it, I've turned it around.

Now I've got me sights set on... ..this place.

And you're doing what you always do, fucking bull at a shagging gate.

Just do one thing at a time, man.

Is exactly NOT the advice of every great entrepreneur.

And I should know, I watch a lot of Dragons Den.

Yeah, well get that fucking jukebox fixed then.

And get some bar snacks! Why is he always here?

Hey, when I was young, this bloke used to

come round with a basket of fish and we all used to say to him,

"Have you got crabs?"

You know, for a laugh!

What, the good old days, was it?

I had you in here enough times. Well, I say "in here."

You were in the van in the car park

with a packet of prawn cocktail crisps.Yeah, I know.

Seeing as I drove you home on more than one occasion.

How are you gonna afford this,

when all your money's wrapped up in the Rat and Cutter?

Well, therein lies a very cunning plan, one which involves me

going for a four days to Dusseldorf

to meet Veronica, my son's mother, and her...

Drum roll please.

..her very wealthy parents!

Yeah.

Why would Hans' German grandparents buy

a fucking run-down pub in Hawley? I've asked Hans,

and it turns out his granddad is an angel investor,

so all I've gotta do is turn on me natural pizzazz,

and a few well-placed lies, and kerching!

Liz Jones and her cursed fanny are my new employees.

Why's it cursed?Please can we not talk about my mother's fanny?

It's dangerous. It's killed several men, an't it love?Listen.

Only eight men have died.

The other 53 are roaming around quite happy, thank you.

That number's gone up. Yeah, well, it will.

Hear, hear. Aren't any of them ever died mid-pump?

Just the one! What's it like, Dusseldorf?

Hotbed of filth and debauchery, I've no doubt.

Oh, it's beautiful city. Beautiful, yeah.

Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower. Although I do have,

you know, a few contacts over there in the debauchment industry,

and I will be frequenting those for a days prior to

toddling off and meeting the parents.

Anyway! Love to chat, must fly.

And, er, as they say in Germany,

"Hasta la Vista, cunts."

Is Dusseldorf not in Spain?

99 Luftballons #

Agh!

Yup? Hello, Mr Schaffner?

Speaking. There is a visitor here in reception

wishing to see you. Visitor? Who is it?

He says his name is Bernard Law Montgomery.

Money

# The best things in life are free

# But you can give them to the birds and bees... #

Ta-da! He-hey!

W-What in the name of Jesus H Fuck are you doing here?

Hey, I got your hotel details from Vinnie,

bought myself a cheap flight over. Come Fly!

Absolutely fucking shite airline!

W-W-W-Why would you do that? W-Why would you make

such a strange and fucking incorrect

decision, you manky old pube?! Hey, hey.

We all nearly died that day, Tommo, on that coach.

You weren't even fucking on it! I was fucking... on the tractor,

getting fucking dragged to my untimely end!

Well, not that untimely, eh, Jim?

Right, come on! Off you fuck. Allez.

Hey, and I made a vow that day

that all the things I'd been putting off had to get done.

Right.Fucking carpe diem. Fucking bucket list!

Right, and what, you've always dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf?

Is that the right pronunciation? Dusseldorf?

Bukkake.

Buk... I'm so sorry about this.

Sorry. Fuck.

You say Bukkake?Yeah, yeah! Well, it's famous for it over here, innit?

All the underground whatnots and that.

And YOU know all the fucking right places.

Right. OK.

I ca... I can't believe this is happening to me.

Right. How do I put it? Jim,

fuck off, you manky old scrotum.

Get on the next fucking overcrowded, shitty flight back home!

There we go! Avanti! Bon jour. Hey, hey, hang on!

Some people wanna fucking skydive,

or-or they fucking go to the Great Barrier Reef.

This is my Taj Mahal, Tommo.

My Great Wall of China.

Good luck to you.

Fine!

I'll just ask around then.

Fuck! Fucking hell! Fine.

Jim. I do know people. I do know places.

But listen to me. Right? Mark my words. Are you marking me?

Marking, marking. Heed me, Jim. Right?Heeding.

When you have shot your mugly little wad, that's us done.

Right? We're finished. We are not... I repeat, we are NOT

on a mini break together.

Yeah, absolutely not, no.

Spliff #

Wow, fucking hell.

Jesus Christ, Jim. You've got crisps in your beard, love.

Fuck's sake! Fucking hell.

Thomas. Mila!

Meine kleine Frauleina.

This is my friend, James. I say "friend," I mean, err,

he's more of a rancid old farmer who I'm only acquaintances with

because we grow weed under his land.

Charmed to meet you, Mila. Hi.Fucking hell.

So, I understand you are here for the bukkake?

That's right.

OK, we do classic bukkake here. Oh.

Three men, one woman, OK? OK.

And-And...

..what if I wanted to be on my knees?

Oh. Hmm, this is extra. Do you have cash?

Oh, yeah. Got a few bob here.

I say, Jim. Fucking hell.

Guten Abend.

And we will be joined by Anton and Dieter.

Don't be intimidated. They're extremely large,

but just follow their lead. Congratulations.

Yeah, right, yeah.

So, off we go.

Go on. Good luck and, err, don't be too gross, eh?

Hmm.

Oops, sorry, mate. Fucking hell.

Ah! Guten outfit. Ah. Sehr gut.

Dad, are you in Dusseldorf? Hans, son!

I am indeed. Yes, I'm, err...

currently soaking up the cultural highlights of this fine city.

Fucking hell.

Sorry, love. I've just seen a cathedral.

Do you want to meet at Grandma and Grandpapa's house or before?

And Mummy can't wait to see you.

Really? Oh, yes!

She says it will be strange after all the years,

but also wunderbar. They are doing dinner at 6:00PM.

Alright. Well, listen, I've got a few things to clear up here first,

but ping me over the address. I've got a hire car

so I suppose I can, err,

toodle... ooohh, shit.

Err, Hans, love, I'll see you at 6:00, alright?

Fucking hell, Jim! Jim?!

The fuck have you done, you?!

Me? Nothing! I said, I said, don't be too gross.

Did I not say that?! I wasn't!

Alright, I mean, we were just getting to it and...

alright, I know I've got a bit of an intense jack-off face.

Oh, Christ.But she just started crying and... and fled!

Ask fucking Ant and Dec!

Shit on fire, you miserable old cunt! Sake!

Mila, sweetheart, love, baby, angel. Are you alright in there?

I'm sorry. No, no, no. Don't you be sorry.

He is a mangy cunt with a horrible jerk-off face.

Just come out here and we can talk about it.

Is she alright? Fucking dickhead.Argh!

Argh, fucking amo... Hey, I'm sorry if it was me.

I mean, the last thing I wanted... No, no, it wasn't you.

You were a gentleman.

It's me.

I shouldn't have come to work tonight.

I'm just so worried.

W-W-Why? What's happened? My brother, Otto.

He's in the hospital. He had a heart attack.

Oh, that's... that's terrible. Not ideal.

I have his phone, and he keeps getting

these messages from someone named Boseman.

Right, so that's all in German, in't it, so...

He says, "We want the gear.

When and where? Don't ignore me!

Fucking call me, or I'll find you, ass face."

Ass face, right, that's... that's a rare insult that, in't it?

So, what's... what's he got himself involved in?

Envelopes.

Why?

Well, Otto runs the local post office,

and since the legalisation of cannabis,

people come here to smoke, to party,

from the UK, France.

And many of them get the idea to post drugs back home.

So they google "local post office."

Otto's is the first hit. So they wander in, and ask...

How much to post a letter back to the UK?

So he tells them the price of a stamp.

Otto knows they're posting weed, mushrooms,

then he throws them into a special red "delivery bag."

Which he then brings home with him.

Because who is going to make a complaint?

"Oh, my drugs never made it home."

Fucking clever. Perfect crime. But then,

he didn't know what to do with them all.

Hence, Boseman? Fuck me. There's...

There's thousands of fucking pounds' worth.

Maybe tens of thousands.

People pay 40, 50 euros for mushrooms,

even more for the strong ones.

But I can't get involved.

I don't want trouble with the police.

Ah, well, congratulations, Mila,

because we deal with this sort of thing all the fucking time.

For a small remuneration,

i.e. a cut of the profits, we could...

get some of the contents of these envelopes,

to, err, Mr Boseman.

Herr Boseman, if you will. Deutscher, very good.

Err, and, you know, make the transaction.

You would do that for me?

Mila, of course. Me casa es su casa.

You can have the money. I don't need it.

50-50. Eh? Let's say that.

80-20. 60-40.

OK, I accept 60.

Ah, fucking well done.

Thank you so much, Tommo. Bitte schon.

If you meet them, you might need someone who speaks German.

Do you know anyone?

Mila, would you believe it...

I know just the man.

Here he fucking is, eh!

Listen, are you gonna be alright with this? You won't tell your mum?

It's just, err, our little secret. Yes, it is exciting.

Oh, yes. Like a movie.

The illegal drop in a discreet location.

Oh, yes, well, listen. That's how your father rolls.

It's wall-to-wall adventure and intrigue, in't it? Oh, yes.

Yeah, except we're meeting them round the back of a large garden furniture warehouse.

Alright. On that note, avanti!

Let's go.

It's a quick in-and-out. Stick to the plan

and we'll be sipping steins on the Rhine.

Bob's yer fucking uncle.

Right.

Jim, you stay here with the gear, me and Hans'll go and negotiate.

Yeah. I don't like this.

They've got nasty eyes.

They're probably gonna kill us and dump our bodies in the Seine.

The Seine is in France.

You're missing the fucking point.

I am THIS close to achieving a lifelong ambition,

and now I'm gonna get shot in the face

on some misguided envelope-based fucking scam.

Jim, love, how do I put this gently?

Um, shut the fuck up, you stupid old cunt!

Ah, Mr Boseman.

Wo ist Otto?

Tell him that, err, we are colleagues

and we have what he needs.

Post-Brexit-Weihnachtsmann.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, what's he saying?

Erm, they say Otto sent Santa Claus,

I think they mean Jim, and his two elves,

that's us, to do his deal for him.OK.

And then they did a bunch of follow-up stuff

which is German humour and won't be funny to you.OK. I see.

Now they are asking how much you want for the gear.

Yes, right. We want 20,000 euro.

Zwanzigtausend Euro? Yeah.

They say that Santa must be drunk on all the whiskey if we want 20K.

They will give us 4K if we agree to fill their Christmas stockings.

Jesus Christ, fucking gentle humour this, in't it?

Actually, tell 'em 15 grand and that's me final offer.

Rude. Right, alright, ten grand,

and that's as low as I'll go.

They say five.

Remind those cunts who won the war!

No, Jim. We're not going down that route, thank you very much.

Alright, nine grand. Nine grand, and that is it.

That is as low as I'll go or may God strike Jim down.

Eight.

Fine, done. Fucking great.

Now let's get the dough so we can get on with the bukkake.

Tell them we want to see the cash before the drugs get handed over.

They want a photograph with Santa Claus.

You what? Are you for real?

Yes, they want to send it to a friend.

Crikey. Alright, err... go on. Hey. Hey.

Having a grey beard does not make me Santa Claus.Oh, my God.

Rasputin had a grey beard. Fucking Fidel Castro...

Get in that fucking selfie, you cunt!

They're wearing disposable gloves!

Only killers wear disposable gloves.

Ah, well, I don't know, maybe he's got a germ phobia.

Go on, get in the selfie, love. There we go!

Ja, schnell. Sehr gut! Fuckin' hell.

Ja, super cool.

Come, come.

He says, "Now one with all of us in."

You joking? What?

OK!

Ah, we're singing?

Yeah, lovely!

Argh!

Argh, Jesus! Fuckin' hell!

Hey! No, no, no, no!

The fucking hire car! No!

Fuck!

No! X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

My best shirt was in that suitcase.

And my tingly body rub. And my corn plasters.

You honestly gonna go through that old weird smorgasbord?

They've nicked off with our fucking luggage, our passports,

and my fucking hire car, that I didn't get insured!

You didn't take the insurance? No.

Would you like to take the insurance?Nah.

Four days in Dusseldorf, what's the worst that can happen?

'Would you like to take the insurance?'

Fuck! We lost a car, but...

we gained a jacket! Ah!

Stop it. I've not got time for whimsey now, love.

Oh. What's this?

What is it? What-What-What is it?

"Br-Brauerei Schumann, 10:30"?

That's a beer hall. That's a fucking meet up!

He's going there tonight! Unless it was last night

and it was just still in his pocket. I swear to God, man.

But Dad, we have to go to Grandma and Grandpapa's.

Ah.In fact, we need to be there in... 22 minutes.

OK, OK. Hmm. Here's what we're gonna do.

We will go to the relatives, have a bit of din dins, lovely.

Then early to bed, we sneak out and retrieve what's rightfully ours.

Brilliant. Call an Uber. Hang on a minute!

What about me getting what I came for?

Jim, read the fucking room. Events have moved on.

So you're just gonna go off to dinner and leave me here

in the middle of fucking nowhere?!

You can come with us.

As you say in England,

the more of the people, the merrier the situation.

Nice one! Yeah. Yeah. Dickhead.

It's Mummy.

This is a huge moment.

My mother and my father reunited after so many years.

Alright, alright, I'm coming.

Words which, ironically, led to your creation.

Mummy! And that's what I said when I came.

Hans. It's Daddy. Thomas.

Well, yes. It has been a very long time.

Yes. Hello again.

Hello, Veronica.

You're looking well. Very, err, Germanic.

With your hair like that and, err, the roll neck and that, you know.

And you look very... English.

Thank you. I think. Who is this?

This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.

Good to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

Well, the 16-year-old you,

the one that liked cowgirl on school trips.

Jim! Sorry about that.

Veronica, Hans!

Papa!Hello! Kinder.

So good to see you.

Better have a drink first, eh?

Like being at the circus.

Meine Liebe. Opa?

Ja? Das ist mein Vater, Thomas.

Vater. Und sein Freund, Jim.Freund.

Did you not bring any luggage? We had it stolen.

I hope you have insurance. Hah.

Little Green Bag #

Fifty quid? Fuck that.

What's the worst that could happen?

Never mind. I'll lend you some of my briefs.

Let's go. Come!

Did he say briefs?

Thomas. Come. Hurry up. Schnell.

This is our sauna,

and I built it with my own hands.

Just as Gitta is preparing us the most amazing feast,

and there's nothing more enticing for the appetite than a...

cold plunge.

Oh. So, the secret is

complete submersion all the way to your neck.

And you hold it for two minutes, and not a second less.

Two... Two min... Two full minutes? Right.

Now follow me.

Yeah. Now you, come.

OK. Off you go.

Here goes nothing, eh?

Just, er, test the water, as it WERE! Argh!

Oh, fuck me. Yes, no, that is... That's very, very cold actually.

Don't allow yourself to think about it.

Yes, no, I have thought about it and the brain is very much saying,

"No, thank you!" So I'm just gonna go sit in there.

Alright, count him in. Funf...

Vier... drei...

zwei... eins...

Have I mentioned that I do have a heart defect?

And so I'm a bit concerned this might bring about a cardiac arrest.

Dear God!

Oh, God.

Hey, reminds me of the Merchant Navy.

Except then we were all naked.

I'm fucking freezing!

I'm just gonna get some wine for Uncle J.

Alright.

Oh, and get me some tampons, will you?

I told you, use a Moon Cup.

Fay, just get the tampons.

You get 'em. I'm not buying shitty single-use plastic.

Weirdo.

Excuse me, love.

Parked your way today.

In your dreams.

# Don't sweat the technique...

Alright, fucking go! Go! Fucking joking!

Fuck's sake, Fay. You were meant to go in for a bottle of wine.

Well, an opportunity arose. Did you hit him then?

Only gently. Fuck me!

Thought we were leaving all this small-time shit behind.

And where are my fucking tampons, eh?

That guy in there was probably just doing his fucking job, minimum wage,

probably get into all kinds of trouble now.

It's not right, Ally.

You're asking me to compromise my moral standpoint on these things.

Moral fucking standpoint? As if you didn't just fucking

smash a guy in the face for a couple of quid?

I fucking told you to use a Moon Cup.

Oh, fuck off.

Danke schon. Bitte schon.

So...

..Ernst, or, er, perhaps now that we're related,

I could venture to call you "Papa."

Keep it as Ernst. OK. As you wish.

Er, listen, about earlier, er, the whole ice plunge situation,

I think we got off on the wrong foot, didn't we? Because you see,

the whole great outdoors, it's not really my natural environment.

You know, I'm more of a... nighttime economy guy.

You know, er, pubs, clubs, bars where people can go

and find fun and friendship.

Everyone to their own. Hmm. And you know, as it happens,

I do have a small portfolio of venues in the UK,

er, but I'm ever looking to expand.

Hm. I see.

Mm. Hans helped me financially to set up my flagship venue,

The Rat and Cutter, and now I've got my little eye

on, er, another local bar, very up-and-coming,

and I was wondering if you might want to chat

investment opportunities.

You got my daughter pregnant.

Now let me ask the question:

Why do you think Veronica never told you

that you're Hans' father?

Because we met when we were very young, and on a school exchange.

So it's one of them, innit?

She went through hell.

She was 16 years old with a newborn child.

Couldn't go out with her friends.

Couldn't go on holidays.

She had to postpone college.

And why?

Because some English boy

was too cheap to buy prophylactics.

A fucking condom.

Well,

it wasn't the expense as such, you know...

She didn't tell you because she thought...

you are a bad bet.

She thought your life

will be chaotic and failing.

Even though

she was physically attracted to you,

at that age,

she was smart enough, even then, to realise

you're the kind of guy that can't be relied upon.

Well, how wrong was she, eh?

Yeah. Was she?

I think of myself

as a good judge of character. It comes with my line of work.

And I think Veronica, my daughter, she is too.

Right. Ernst, answer this for me.

I've always wanted to know.

What's with the fucking umlaut?

Huh?

Oh, my God, this is...

Look, there's something I didn't tell you about my uncle.

Hmm, and you thought you'd wait 'til you got to the door, did ya?

It's not a big deal. It's just, he doesn't look like you'd expect.

Right? How do you mean?

There is plenty of space.

The bathroom is just outside.

And, er,

I will bring you some towels.

Danke Schon #

# Thank you for all the joy and pain...

The fuck you doing here, Jim? You can't stay the night.

As soon as we've got that gear, you're fucking off to your hotel.

What hotel?

What do you mean, what hotel? Well, I didn't book one.

I just thought I'd sort it once I got here.Who the fuck does that?

I thought you might have a spare bed in your room.Why...

Why would I have... There you go.

Oh. Speak if you need anything else.

We are only upstairs.

I want that fucking bukkake, Tommo.

And I'm not going home until it's done.

Your actions...

are not the actions of a reasonable man!

# What a mess

# Danke schon... #

It's like Morecambe and Wise, this, innit?

Two grown men sharing a room.

Separate beds. Simpler time, you see.

He said he'd give us a signal when they went to bed. Where is he?

No one thought anything of it back then.

Is this the same halcyon age when Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White

and Benny Hill were chasing scantily clad women

round the grounds of stately homes?

Oh, go on. That's right.

Sully it with your woke agenda. Oh, fuck me.

Everyone's fucking offended nowadays.

It's got so you can't say anything. Oh, my God.

When we were kids, you got given a nickname,

you just got on with it. When I was young,

people used to call me "Pig Shit Jimmy,"

cos I lived on farm.

And it hasn't done me any harm, has it, eh? Eh?

I'm not so sure about that, love.

Ein...

..und aus.

Ein...

..und aus.

Immer in Rhythmus.

Jim, get your fucking shoes on.

We're going without him.

Prost!

Prost!

Oh, hello. Someone's been on the Jaegarbombs.

Keep your eyes peeled, Jim. You remember what he looks like?

Hey. A fucking memory of a fox, me.

Do foxes have good memories?

Well, if they haven't, why would I have said it?

Oh, right. Yes. Yes!

Prost!

What the fuck's going on here?

What's going on, pal?

Es ist ein Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb.

Sprechen Sie English? Nein!

You don't speak fucking English?

He's a rude man. Him? Oh, yeah, he's fucking awful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, well spotted. Erm, sorry,

what the fuck is going on here?

It is a famous drink-walk competition.

Everyone has put in five euro and the winner gets to keep the pot of money.

Eh, what, cash prize?

Fuck it, I'm getting involved. Hm?

What? No, no, Jim, Jim, no! X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Ah, fucking hell.

Stale.

I couldn't get away. I know, I saw.

You took granddad's car. Yeah. He hasn't noticed, has he?

No, he went to bed, but he won't be happy if he finds out.

A drink-slash-walk competition. How fantastic.

Fucking have it.

Yes, Jim! Twat.

There's the man. What? Jacket man?

Yeah. It's definitely him. It is him and all, yeah!

Right, we've got him. He's trapped.

Los!

Ah, we've got you now, you cunt.

Wow. Oh!

Hey! Ja!

Oh!

OK. OK.

Ya-hey! Fucking hell!

Ja!

Genau! Schneller! Yes, Jim!

Ja!

Fuck off! One nil to me, pal.

Scheisse! Fuck off!

Dickhead!

Fuckin' hell.

Shit, he's gone!What? Fuckin' bomber jacket's gone!

He's given us the fucking slip! Jesus Christ.

Right. Got you now.

Oh, fucking hell.

No, no, no, no, no, no! It's locked!

It's fucking locked! No, there's a door release button.

Oh, right, yeah.

It's the back car park.

Oh, there! It's me fucking hire car!

He's leaving.Not if we fucking block the way, he's not!

Checkmate.

Why's he just staring at us?

No, no, no, no, no!

Grandad's car!

Me fucking hire car! Why won't it fucking move?!

Would you like to take the insurance?

No, no, no, no! Not again!

Agh!

Four days in Dusseldorf. What's the worst that could happen?

I have an idea. What? No, no, no, no!

Fucking hell!

Psychobilly Freakout #

Ooh, that's not good.

Oh, he's alive. Thank God.

Mate? No. Right, tell you what.

I'm having that.

Deutschland! Like father, like son.

Right, you check the boot.

Nothing back here. Oh, jackpot!

His mobile telephone.

Let's get this cunt into our car.

Are we taking him to the hospital? No, are we fuck.

No, this bastard's a bargaining chip.

Is it chip or is it chit? Dad, I don't like this.

I-I think I might be out of my depth.

I can't take a man hostage. Look, love, you're only a hostage

if you're being held against your will.

And he's gagging to come with us, aren't you, mate?

Get me the fuck out of here!

They're all fucking psychos!

There we go. How do you like that, you great German shit?

Right, here is the plan.

We bell Boseman up off laddo's phone, Boseman's gonna pick up the phone,

cos he thinks it's one of his guys, and we're gonna say to him,

or rather you're gonna say to him because you speak German,

"You're not getting your lad back until we get

our passports, B: our luggage

and C: the fucking gear that he stole from us!"

Yar! I can't do that.

What? No, no, darling.

If we don't get our passports back, we can't go home.

As much as you might be the nation who invented socks and sandals,

you do not deserve a crusty old racist farmer.

Fine! Give me the telephone.

Yeah. But I want to do it my way.

With politeness. Good for you.

Good lad. Nice. Politeness?

Are you fucking sure he's your kid?

Says the man with the super smart lesbian daughter.

Lesbian? As in...?

She's a fucking lesbian.

She sleeps with women. What do you think I'm...

Oh, my God, did you not know that?! You're saying that my Ally

is a fucking doughnut bumper? Jim, honestly,

as much as it might be difficult for you to get your head round the fact

you have spawned a homosexual, maybe you should be grateful.

Cos she's a lovely young woman, in't she?

This is her fucking mother, this. I told her not to introduce her

to fucking hockey! All them young girls,

short skirts, big wooden fucking sticks!

I worry about your world view. I really do, Jim.

Hey, look. There's a place here, half a mile away.

Look, it says catering for "all erotic desires."

Jesus Christ, Jim. If you mention bukkake one more fucking time!

You fucking promised you'd help me.

No, no, no, no. Factually inaccurate that.

What I seem to recall happening, is you following me

to a foreign nation, like a fucking sex dementor.

What did he say, love?

He said you can keep him.

What? The man in the back.

He said, "I don't care. Keep him."

Fucking hell!

Fucking... Argh! Fuck you, Germany!

Halle-fucking-lujah.

Fill your boots! Actually, don't fill your boots.

Wish I'd not said that. It's a horrible image.

Grandad isn't going to be very happy about the car.

Oh, that's a fucking understatement. But to be honest, love,

I reckon your grandad's opinion of me wasn't that high to begin with.

What makes you say that? Hmm?

Oh, call it a hunch.

And your mum, fucking hell. She were a bit, err... cool.

Frosty, ice cold, you know?

Mum is the sort of person who keeps her emotions inside herself.Hmm.

She will have been nervous about seeing you again, I think.

I suppose I'm just a stranger to her, aren't I?

I'm just, err, someone she had a youthful fling with many moons ago.

Nothing more, nothing less. Is what it is, sweetheart.

Is it just me or does it seem very much like those two men over there

are heading this way with rather large sledgehammers?

They are definitely coming in this direction.

I mean, no one knows we're here.

No one's followed us. So they can't be here for...

..us.

Release Lukas.

How the fuck do they know he's here?! Release him now.

Dad, this is scary. No, no, no, sweetheart.

They're trying to frighten us, aren't they? Er, I'll handle this.

Um, Guten Abend!

Guten Abend. Er, ja.

Er, den sledgehammer...

How do you say, "Put down the sledgehammer?"

Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.

Just speak English. Your German is worse than a three-year-old.

Listen, right, I've told Boseman we'll release him

when we get our passports and the gear you stole!

Now, or we fuck up your car more.

It's not my car, it's my son's grandad's, so...

Your son's grandad? So not your father, but your wife's father?

No, she's not my wife, actually, either.

In fact, I barely even know her. We had a brief sexual encounter

two decades ago. And you didn't use protection?

Fucking hell. How did you find us?

Find My Phone app.

Fucking hell! Of course. Everyone has this.

Ugh. No, right, listen. Listen, right?

We had a fair deal, hmm? And Boseman shafted us

right up the arsehole! And-And this dickhead in the back,

he's written off me hire car. Didn't take the insurance?

No, I did not!

Look, I am going to count to three,

and then you release Lukas.

You'll do as you fucking like, love. We're not giving him back,

until we get what's rightfully ours. Eins.

We have to let him go. They're bluffing.

Zwei. I don't think they're bluffing.

Course they are! In front of the car, aren't they?

I'll run 'em over. Don't run them over.

Drei.

See, what did I say? Bluffing.

Fucking...

Start the car, drive away!

Where's Jim?! They're gonna kill us!

Don't do that. Do not do that!

No, fuck off! Argh!

Oh, fucking hell!

No, no, no. Don't you... Fucking no.

He's opening the doors! No, he's not.

Fuck! He's got me!

Open the fucking car door or we slash your granddaddy's tyres!

Agh! No, no!

No! No!

That's enough!

Step away from the fucking vehicle!

Yeah! Fucking hell.

Unlock the door! Come on, Jim.

What if they follow us? Oh, throw the phone out the window.

Throw the phone out the window! Or I could turn off Find My Phone.

Yeah, yeah, no, do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you for saving us. Did you do the deed? Eh?

The deed, have you done the deed? Is the deed done? No, it fucking isn't!

And what you doing with him in the back?

We can't take him back to my grandparents house.

Explaining the car is going to be bad enough

without a hostage in the boot. He's not a hostage!

He's free to go at any time.

Well, Uncle J took a shine to you, told me in the kitchen.

Said you were a keeper.

Yeah, bet he did.

Fuck off.

And he said he'd get us some work.

Yeah, what kind of work?

Dunno, like...

I dunno, but we can trust him. It'll be good.

Mm. Now then,

admit it.

How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?

Come on.

You know you did. Did not.

You did. Did not.

You loved it.

Someday #

Davey?

Liz says you're up here. Is that right?

Davey?

Davey, love?

I've told you, the name's Alfred Barnard.

Jesus fucking Christ. Of course you're stood right there.

Bloody terrifying. Stop!

Stop being Alfred Barnyard for a minute. I know it's you.

Oi. Liz has told me

that you've demanded to move in here a little bit.

Demanded? Why are you still doing the voice?!

Listen, she told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic.

Are you listening? The only time she ever sees you

is when you want sustenance, and to the best of her knowledge,

you been in this fucking room for three bloody weeks. Is that true?

She likes to talk, doesn't she, Miss Jones?

Yeah, but listen, I'm worried about you, Davey.

I've stayed in the Crow's Nest before, it fucking sucks!

Did you know that that television console has only got Freeview.

Right. I've spent my days

watching re-runs of A Place in The Sun.

Ooh.One couple wanted to sell their house in Burnley

and relocate to Fuerteventura.

Imagine the idiocy.

What's going on? What the fuck's happened?

Somebody made it abundantly clear

that they wanted me dead.

I can smell your balls from here.

I'm sorry, dude. You haven't been showering.

I had a flannel wash this morning, thank you very much.

Come on. We're going for a drive and you can tell me what's gone on.

Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool

with her tail between her legs,

and I was feeling very proud of myself.

McCann dead,

me in Manolito's mansion

ruling the roost.

I was the king of the fucking world.

And then one night...

..I woke up and I could feel something wet

in the bed alongside me. And I was thinking,

"What on earth can that be?

I'm alone in bed. What could be wet down there?"

Well, fucking 'ell, what was it?

You've seen the Godfather, I assume, with the horse's head?

You're jokin'. Wasn't a fuckin'... Was it that?No.

Worse.

Your Donna? No!

I wouldn't give a shit about that.

No. It was...

Ooh! Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo!

Yes, correct, Vincent. Shit.

There was a note, telling me if I didn't leave that evening,

then it would be my head in my mother's bed.

Shit. Shit indeed, sweetheart.

And I'm not ashamed to say it, it shook me.

Do you know who it was?

Was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens.

Ah. Revenge for McCann.

And why did I get McCann killed, hmm?

For you. To help you.

And now look. Comes back to haunt me.

Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground,

didn't it and all? Him being dead. Shhh.

What's that?

That's Demis Roussos. Who the fuck's that?

Demis Roussos. It's my mother's favourite.

Who the fuck did you tell we were here?

I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase.

Calm down. Jesus, what's wrong with ya?

This is how it ends. On a cold, lonely road!

With you by my side.

Quick! We better run! It's a man on his way home.

It's just a random dickhead. Run now, Vincent! Vincent, quick!

Hans, get inside.

And you, in!

Where have you been?

Er, that is a...

very long story.

Leading my boy astray?

What are you doing here, Tommo?

Why did you come here?

I sometimes wish he had never found you.

He should have left the past in the past.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Pretend I don't exist?

It's alright, love. He, erm...

Your dad... Your dad let the cat out of the bag.

Why you didn't want to let me know that I had a son.

He, er... yeah.

What did he say?

He said, erm...

Do you know, right, when... when you're me, right,

when... when you grew up like I grew up...

shit parents, bounced around from care home to care home,

people have a certain way of looking at you.

They don't have high hopes for you.

And, erm...

you know, you go to school and careers and all that,

and they do the same thing. And they... You got the best

condescending pat on the back, but they tell you basically,

"You are fucking nothing. You're nothing.

And yeah, you're always gonna be nothing."

Right? And so you have to just sort of either...

fall in line without thinking,

or, like, fight back, you know.

Fight to...

prove yourself, to prove those dickheads wrong.

But it fo... it follows you,

erm, and...

and, you know, people looking down on you

and thinking that you're nothing, you're worthless and you're shit,

follows you around.

I've fucking tried, man.

I have fought really hard, right, to...

And I'll keep fighting now for him,

for my lad, and for...

Just to prove to your dad,

and the fucking 16-year-old you

that I'm not shit actually,

and that I can make something of my life.

Hey.

I didn't tell you I was pregnant because...

I was scared you'd reject me.

I felt like I loved you

and I wanted to have your child, but...

..I was scared you'd tell me to get rid of it.

I thought about you so much over the years,

and I did want to tell you, but...

..weeks turned to months and...

I'm glad you... I'm glad you didn't get rid of him,

because he is the best thing in my whole life.

Sorry, fucking hell.

And you, you've done a fantastic job.

You really have.

I'm sorry for all this mad shit that I've fucking got him into now!

You are both back safe, and...

..apart from the state of my father's car,

hopefully it's all done and dealt with now.

It is. Yeah, it is.

Except for the fella tied up in the boot.

Was Machst Du Dann #

I'm sure you have done worse.

I hope your car insurance fucks you and your shit car,

you damned arseholes!

Fucking hell.

Joy riders, innit?

Fucking joy riders.

We'll say we went for an early walk,

and when we came back,

Daddy's car was gone.

Must have been stolen in the night.

Veronica, you are a fucking angel.

An angel in woman form. And, er, speaking of which, I, er...

I hear that your father is an angel investor.

I was wondering if, you know, maybe if I get in my briefs again,

if you might be able to facilitate a business discussion.

Let's see what we can do.

Oh!

Good morning! Oh, good morning, Gitta.

Just recovering from last night. Fucking hell.

Oh!

How would you like to start the day off in the sauna?

Oh, no. Not sure about that.

I think you'll find it invigorating.

Come on.

Err, OK.

We heard what you said.

What you are looking for.

Maschin #

We are very open-minded people.

Sexually.

F-Fuck's sake.

I negotiated with Boseman. He now has membership to my club.

Mila, you are an absolute fucking superstar.

State of this car though, eh? Christ.

You took the insurance?

So Much Trouble In My Mind #

What do you mean, go back to school? It's a school reunion.

Let's get smashed!

Meet me in the science lab. Ooh!

That body was destined to be in a leotard, on a stage, Ashley.

You look like you wanna hit me. Fuck off!

I was bullied here too. I could get TJ and you could get mine.

I think our Ronnie is about to do something really stupid.

What the fuck?

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# Give me the strength to carry on

# Give me the strength to carry on... #

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