Original subtitles

Constance!

Come take a rest with me

and sit on my porch a while, eh?

I guess that should be all right.

-You were in the city recently? -Yes.

Is it true you cannot see stars there?

Yes, it's true...

...for they have such tall buildings and electric lights.

'Tis strange to think the stars should have competition.

They do...

...but Constance...

...thou does not.

I should like to see it one day.

Really?

For I would very much like to show it to thee.

I can right now if you want.

Oh, I mean the city!

Oh, okay.

Oh, well, then.

Thou might accompany me to the farmer's market tomorrow.

Could I?

Oh, it would be my honor.

We might even partake in some... modern conveniences.

No, you mean liquid soap?!

The inn provides it in tiny bottles!

Oh, Jeb.

But that would be an overnight trip.

My father would never allow it.

I've been courting thee for eight weeks.

We should be married by now.

I think it's at least time

that we took things to the next level.

Are we ready?

Oh, god

I'm so ready right now it hurts.

Constance, it is a perfect, night. Ahh, the stars are all out.

What say you?

Shall we...

...hold hands?

But that's Mennonite third base!

I know, but I just want to make

physical contact with any part of thy body that is not entirely covered in fabric.

Please?

Pretty... please?

Please, just let me. Please?

God won't mind,

I swear.

Holy shit!

We have sinned!

Holy shit!

Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry, god.

Forgive me, god. Jeb made me.

He made me. Jeb raped my wrists!

Constance, wait! No... I...

Hi, I'm Rosa

Do you have a tampon?

Oh, hi.

Sorry, um, I don't speak Spanish.

No, “hablo.”

Are you joking with me?

I wanted to take Spanish, but my parents pushed Latin for med school.

I'm actually only working as a maid because I'm making a documentary.

This whole exposé about how the U.S.

treats Mexican immigrants like yourself.

I'm from Venezuela.

Right? It's awful.

So, yeah, making a doc about it.

Great, a goddamn Morgan Spurlock!

You're angry at the system, and I totally get it.

I'm on your side.

Love trumps hate, right?

Wow. That was really authentic.

Fucking Brooklyn.

Once this was a sewer crawling with human garbage,

animals who'd slit your throat over a scratch-off lottery ticket.

Now it's all gentrified,

and these manicured parks are teeming with bearded bloggers

in Japanese selvage jeans drinking direct trade full immersion coffees,

reading “Infinite Jest”.

Brie?

-Yes? -You're in the stroller lane.

What, you mean like the crosswalk?

I need you to apologize to my son, Coltrane.

He's the injured party here.

There were bodegas

drugs and gangsters, all gone...

replaced by Whole Foods and single malts and fucking improv teams.

Makes me want to vomit in my own car,

which would then at least smell like old Brookyln.

Hi... Is your “kale the patriarchy salad” GMO free?

Of course. But this is a food truck food truck.

We cater to the other food trucks only.

So I can't order anything?

No offense, but everything we do is small batch

farm to table, paleo, vegan, and we prefer a clientele that gets it.

So other food trucks.

Let's call it a day, Gem.

I want to get off Bedford before the bridge and tunnel and start showing up.

Aces.

One day will rain will come

and the sewer will back up,

and then...

And then the sewer will reclaim its own.

Goodbye juice bar yoga studio work shares,

hello old Brooklyn.

Lulu, I know it's our money,

but vintage Captain Planet shirts don't just pop up on Etsy every day.

Of course, and I don't fault you for that.

But expedited shipping?

I mean, I waited two weeks for my crocheted pink pussy hat.

Oh, hey, nice kale.

-Two ladies at third base! -Yeah, come back on Rumspringa,

-we'll show you how it works. -We are Mennonite.

We don't have Rumspringa.

What do you guys do?

I can drive a truck.

Rumspringa seems better.

You get to see a whole new world.

It's like the Little Mermaid with beards.

What may we interest thee lovely ladies in today?

We have ahh, beautiful heirloom

tomatoes, cucumbers, fresh raw honey, homemade apricot jelly.

I don't know. Do you have anything unusual?

I think we have just the thing.

What is that?

Where'd you find these?

We didn't find them.

We didn't find them.

Ahhh...

It's called Mennonite Corn.

Mennonite Corn! From the mother country and brought back from olden times.

It's certainly not new,

and totally safe.

Definitely safe.

Does it taste good?

How do you cook them?

No, no, no, no, no, you don't...

You don't cook them.

They're best enjoyed raw.

You have to eat it raw.

When are they ripe?

-Three days. -Three days.

Okay. I'm Instagramming this shit.

Everybody say “corn hole.”

Corn hole!

Corn... hole?

And today on the big show we're going to talk about

the meteorite that lit up the sky on Sunday night.

No warning, Wendy.

Right?!

I... I mean, if a space rock can penetrate our airspace undetected,

why can't terrorists?

Yeah, we got to get the government to fix our broken space borders.

Let's go to the phones and find out what's going on.

Hello, Jersey City. You're on the radio.

Hey, Scott, You still on that all cookie diet?

Lost six pounds, Goofball.

Shut up!

Look at me!

Oh, hello.

Good morning. Hello, Mr. Hi!

Here he is! That dick hole

who thinks he's in Reservoir Dogs!

Is he a cop? FBI?

No, he works for the fucking

Food and Drug Administration!

No way, is that true?

Yes! I saw his ID the other day.

He acts like “Serpico” but he's really

just the guy who warns you to wash your

cabbage good so you don't get the shits!

Too much milk, just like you like it!

You probably didn't get enough

from your mama's titties!

Go suck your mama's titties,

"Cabbage Serpico!"

Thanking you. Have good day. Yes.

Thank you.

Son of a bitch, fuck his mother.

Oh!

Ugh...

I guess it's not ripe yet.

Uhhh...

Hey, how you doing?

This guy!

All right... Nope? Alright.

Keeping busy?

Hey, there he is.

And there he goes.

Hey, Chief! Ya needed to see me?

Two things:

One, I'm not the chief of anything.

And two, I have never, and will never need to see you.

So... what do we got?

Cigarettes and your uterus.

This is what we got, Todecky.

If you don't like it, maybe you should apply for the FBI again.

I would, but the bureau and I are not seeing eye to eye these days.

Ever since I got a little too close.

Too close to what?

Passing their entrance exam?

What the fuck is that?

Completely inappropriate language for the workplace.

And this...

is a photo...

someone tweeted to us. Some woman who runs a food truck

with weird looking, probably Photoshopped, corn.

It's a joke, Todecky.

You can take a joke, can't ya'?

I can take a joke.

As a matter of fact...

here's a joke for you.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

How much?

How much what?

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

I don't know.

But I do know that this is an undocumented vegetable, and I'm going to find it.

It's out there somewhere.

I'm gonna need that, actually.

Buck an ear...

Hah!

So dumb.

G'day, ladies.

Oh hey! It's the artisinal pickle truck chick.

I wish.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What's the name of your truck again?

Pickledilly Circus.

Do you have the blood sausage seitan wrap today?

Sure, Wiccan kale on the side?

Please, and thank you.

Oi!

Hello, my lovely.

What have you got back there?

Um... Menopause, Corn?

Mennonite!

Ooh, I'd relish the chance to pickle you!

See what I did there?

Good stuff.

We were thinking of making it into a corn and beet salsa

but it didn't really work out.

You can have 'em if you want 'em.

Splendid.

Take that artisanal pickle truck chick.

Brie!

What's happening?

Uh huh... You too.

Haha! You crack me up, mami.

Hey, Brie.

Yeah?

How's that uh... documentary thing going?

Still figuring it out.

You know, uh. I can't tell if I want it to an Errol Morris

looking into the camera type of thing or more of a following you around type.

Or maybe it's not a doc at all.

You know, maybe it's like a “Humans of New York” type of thing.

Or maybe it's just a series

of oil paintings that I make with my butt.

Mmm hmm.

You know, just put some paint on my butt,

sit on some canvas, roll around and frame it.

Totally.

You should just go talk to her.

Right... I'm gonna go over there, talk to her, ask her out on a date.

No, no, no, that's too direct.

Putting some secret messages into the code that we're working on.

Secret messages? Yeah.

She codes in Ruby

so I think she's going to pick up what I'm putting down.

Uh huh.

Such an intuitive platform.

So sexy.

Hey, kids. Who's hungry?

I'm hittin' the food trucks, and my wallet's feeling loose!

Hey, Roger, is it okay if I leave a bit early tonight?

My boyfriend has an art show.

Sweet!

What medium?

He does found object, uh, mixed media stuff...

I'm not really sure to call them.

Very cool! Rad.

So is it okay?

Okay? I mean

I think artistic expression is vital. It's what makes us human.

No... Is it okay if I leave early?

Ah, well, time is just a construct, isn't it?

So early and late...

they're abstractions too, you know what I mean?

So...

Yeah, you can leave early. Jeez.

God... why do I even try?

What are you nerds eating?!

Petition signatures, my ass.

What are you talking about?

She's from Teach for America.

What's she teaching America? How to dress like a whore.

You seen this weird plant?

You a cop?

Do I look like a cop?

Yes?

Thanks.

So you seen it or not?

Maybe if you buy something I'll remember,

tough guy.

Hey, this is fun. It's kind of like Rockford Files.

Alright, give me a hot dog.

Oh, sure.

I'll just get one off of this greasy, spindly stainless steel thing.

I don't see anything.

No, you don't, because it's not a goddamn hot dog cart.

It's a hand-crafted mobile Belgian Waffle Cafe.

Fine, I'll take a waffle.

Great, sir. What would you like on it?

Syrup.

Oh, sure.

And should I also just take a big shit on it?

Keep your shit waffle and tell me,

where have you seen this weird plant?

Oh, I remember now.

Yeah, I think the pickle guy had one, which pickle guy was that, Ramone?

Was it Pickle Down Economics?

No. Maybe, uh, Cuke of Earl?

No, he died.

Really?

That's so sad.

Was it the lesbian one? Closer to Brine?

No, but speaking of lesbians, this little lady here, that's Gem.

She and her partner, uh... Lulu

they run the Food Truck Food Truck.

Okay, so tell me, where is this Food Truck Food Truck?

What the fuck do I look like? Google Maps?

All right...

Ladies and gentlemen,

players of all ages,

dig if you will,

The White Duke!

Whoa!

Well, my old friend Paul Todecky.

Haven't seen you since Mathletes.

Long time, Kev.

No, I dropped that slave name.

It's all white Duke these days.

So what brings you to my kingdom?

Kings have a kingdom.

You're a duke.

So what do Dukes have?

Duchys!

-Really? Duchys? -Yep.

So what brings you to my duchy, Todecky?

I'm looking for something.

Well, I hope it's a tailor, cause you look like a Blues Brother.

Yah burnt!

So what do you want?

I'm looking for a weird vegetable.

Well, if you want something from my duchy,

you got to kiss my ringy.

No, thanks. I'm hypoglycemic.

More for me.

I ain't seen it.

It worth money?

No, but it's illegal.

-And if you eat it, it might make you sick -Hah!

Don't worry about me.

Only thing that I eat these days are these damn fine

Belgian waffles...

and pussy!

I'll have powdered sugar and cocoa.

Thanks, Ramone.

Ray Ray, this... is... something.

Hey, Jody.

Sorry, babe,

she's an important critic.

So this sculpture.

Sculpture, please, Brie,

don't be reductive.

I'm a painter who paints with the shed husk of post-millennial consumerism.

Right.

So... this... piece?

I was trying to illuminate the plight of the defacto slave laborers

of so-called “emerging countries”.

What's it called?

Sock Cocks.

So I saw this weird thing at work today.

One of the toilets had, like, a glow.

Probably something in the water. NSA trying to keep tabs.

On our poop?

The last frontier of personal privacy.

Well, I'm going to tell maintenance because I just think it's...

Oh, please, Brie...

Do we have to discuss your participation

in a corrupted capitalist hegemony?

No, you're right. I mean

this is your event, and I want to be supportive,

but I was thinking maybe after we could go back to my place...

Yo, Ray Ray! Where dat after-party, son?!

Brie's place!

Really?

I thought I'd just be tonight.

Brie...

you're being really proletarian right now.

I guess it's cool if they come. Um...

what time?

We'll be over later.

Gotta hit up the store first.

See? This is why you don't need money.

Some slaves to the class system just provided me

a whole bottle of gin with at least an ounce left in it

AND two thirds of a miso soup.

Hello?

Someone's coming!

This is completely legal, madam.

Once you throw something away, you forego all claim to it.

It's all in my Tumblr manifesto.

Don't worry. I'm not with the authorities.

Are you hungry?

I've got some leftovers for my food truck.

Yeah, that's great.

It's nice to get food before it gets that dumpster smell.

It's quite all right.

I'm glad I found you.

I've been looking for somebody to give this to.

Waste not, want not.

This is awesome.

I feel like Europeans really get my philosophy, you know?

Despite the fact that you continue to support

that ridiculous monarchy and everything. No offense.

None taken.

Thanks again.

This really made my night.

I'm certain of it.

Great DJ'ing tonight.

The mixing part was really good... or dope.

Probably.

This is your place?

What are you, rich or something?

Sorry, I didn't habla that?

Or abla... I don't know.

I dropped out of college and I was going to do Doctors

Without Borders, but it was just such a commitment.

So, I took a sabbatical.

You know back-packed, and...

Wow, you can hold your breath for a long time.

Any idea when Ray Ray is gonna be back,

or where he is, or...?

Everyone!

The bounty of a decaying economic construct!

Some pomme frites in there, I think.

Brie, baby

see if you could whip something up with this while I say hi to everyone else.

Uhh, can I talk to you for a second?

What now?

Just all these people in my parents place.

I know, I'm really embarrassed by this apartment too.

It's a really crass display of wealth.

I'm only crashing here until I find out if my documentary

got into South by Southwest.

So?

So, in the meantime,

I can't let anything happen to any of their stuff.

Baby...

you're doing your parents a favor.

Your stuff just ends up owning you.

And I don't disagree...

but, you know.

It's like the piece I did about the slow disintegration of capitalism.

Which one was that?

Bottlecap Buttholes.

Right. With...

all the butt holes.

Um...

Ray Ray, it's just your friends are always here

and I just feel like, you know, you and I don't really get to spend any time alone.

Are you really still nagging me about this?

Look, Brie, I know you're really into our sexual liaisons,

which I find perfectly adequate. But, I'm an emerging artist,

and my time has demands that supersede your base urges.

Okay, well, so sorry I want to be with you.

I'm not cooking your trash.

And me, and my urges, are going to bed.

Good morning, regular customer.

I suppose you will be making your usual coffee and newspaper purchase.

You will find everything in its proper place.

Just as you might any other day.

Nothing out of the ordinary here!

Please use caution as the coffee is quite hot.

You are still using too much milk.

Are you not all lactose intolerant?

I am.

As am I.

Thank you for your patronage once again!

Hey, Luis.

I meant to tell you the other day

I saw something weird in one of the bathrooms.

One of the toilets had, like, a glow.

I'm aware of the situation.

Who else did you mention this to?

Just you. Why?

I don't want anyone to worry.

Some cleaning supplies got dumped by accident.

It's nothing. Forget it.

Okay.

Well, then, should I just, like,

Go fuck myself?

Yeah, sure. Cool. Will do.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but can you tell me if you've seen something like that in the area?

Ahh...

I don't think so.

Nahhh...

Hey, can I ask you a few questions?

Actually, I'm...

wait, I know you!

You're the FDA guy.

Tom... Jones?

Yeah!

Paul Todecky.

Most people call me Todecky.

Brie, right?

Right, right. I, uh,

I interviewed you for that documentary piece I was doing on GMOs.

Yeah. Did that ever air? Because I would love a copy.

No, um, I was going to submit it to “This American Life”, but then “Serial” happened

And then I realized that long form podcast docu-dramas were the future.

So I just... I shelved it.

Awww, you never finished it.

That's terrible. You were so fired up about GMOs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, uh, you took me on that weird date to a drugstore.

No, I took you to Charles's Coffee Shop from Taxi Driver.

They tore it down now and they put up a Duane Reade in its place.

Right, um. I ordered Altoids and a SmartWater.

Some advice,

don't take a girl on a “Taxi Driver” themed date.

I'm sorry, you're saying don't do that?

Right. Do not.

Okay.

Great movie, though.

Look, I got to get back to work, so...

Oh, great! I'll walk with you.

Okay.

So did you finally get into the FBI?

Are you investigating someone?

Ahhh, no. I'm still with the FDA for now.

FBI application's still pending. But this is an investigation.

Food related investigation.

That doesn't seem like a real thing.

Oh, it's a real thing.

-You work around here? -Yes.

I am also investigating for a documentary that I'm working on.

You know, cleaning toilets.

You seen anything weird?

I'm cleaning toilets, so...

yeah.

The other day, I saw one that looked like someone ate a purple glow stick.

And you didn't call me?

Why would I have called you?

Are you a gastroenterologist?

I'm doing an investigation on glowing purple plants.

You find glowing purple stool.

There's got to be a connection.

Well, I promise. From now on, you are my

go-to strange-shits guy.

I wanted to tell the maintenance man, but he was acting weird.

Weird? Like how? Like...

not himself?

I don't know.

I think I need to see what you saw.

I think we need to get down into the sewers.

Sewers, uh huh. Or, you can come inside

like a normal person, you know, without having to go into a disgusting sewer.

That's another way, I guess

I was thinking we can make healthy candy necklaces, you know?

Yes, right? Hey, what's going on?

I couldn't use all the corn you gave me, so I brought this back.

Did that thing grow?

Yes. Nice and ripe, like the Thames on a hot summer's day.

Never been. Thanks.

My pleasure.

I like her hat.

I think I could pull it off.

Thank you for agreeing to talk to me today.

Could you tell me a little bit about what you do here?

Oh, well, we're developing this social networking app

that allows you to communicate with people who are in your immediate vicinity.

That would be right around you?

Yes. It's called I. C. U., the, the letters.

It's... it's for people that you see, like, right in front of you.

People at a party, or a bar, or

even someone who's been right there the whole time.

Why don't you just talk to 'em?

We've done extensive research. So extensive.

You could live right next to a person or even work right

next to them every day and never tell them how you feel.

Our studies show.

-So it's for dating. -Fuck yes.

Okay, well, why don't you tell me if there's anything

going on around here that's different lately?

Well, you changed your hair.

No, not like that.

I mean, something out of the ordinary. Like, ahh, this

for example. Have either of you two seen this plant?

May I see that?

Who the hell is he?

Roger Nordquist, I run the Office.

Roger, what's with the tie?

I'm your boss. A tie is customary.

Please return to your workstations.

Thank you.

You like his tie? I got ties.

I heard the FDA was here conducting some sort of investigation.

I just want you to know

we're happy to cooperate with the federal government in anyway.

We appreciate that. So, have you seen that plant?

No, I don't believe so. What is it?

I don't know.

And if I don't know, shouldn't be out there.

Wow. Must be nice to know everything about your field, Mr...?

Todecky.

And it's a burden I live with every day of my life.

Well, if I do see one, I will certainly call the FDA immediately.

Let me show you out.

Would you mind if I used your restroom?

You'll have to use the first floor restrooms, actually.

These are closed for cleaning.

You know, you eat from here right down, right?

Yeah.

Got it.

Thanks.

Hey, Brie!

Twice in one day.

So, how'd it go?

The bathrooms are closed for cleaning.

I couldn't get in.

It's weird. We usually clean them at night.

Someone must have made a mess in there.

-Oh, yeah? -Don't.

If it was weird shit, I'll call you.

-Let me see if I still have you in here. -Should still be the same number.

I haven't changed it. Might be under Tom Jones.

It's under Duane Reade.

Well, still, if you wanna do something sometime, just give me a call.

You know, we could talk about the...

-I'm actually seeing a guy right now. -Sure.

Probably take you to some non “Taxi Driver” themed restaurant.

He doesn't actually believe in money or doing things one on one.

It's more of a communal thing.

Well as long as you're happy.

Yeah, I'm totally happy.

Good. It's nice to see you again.

It's nice seeing you too, Todecky.

-You're going to give me a call? -About the weird shit,

yes. Duane Reade. In my phone.

Yep.

Yeah.

Are you sure about the sewer?

I'm sure.

Excuse me, sir. If you...

Who are you?

-Name's Todecky. -You a cop?

No. No cop.

You're dressed like a cop.

Did you want to be one like, when you were a little boy?

Yeah, I guess. But I swear I'm no cop.

Oh, why not, man?

I mean, if it was, like, your dream.

Too much of a wild card, and they don't like that.

Same reason I stop selling life insurance to animals.

It's just too many variables.

Maybe you should follow your dream.

I don't care what kind of a flophouse you're running.

It's not a flophouse. It's an Airbnb.

Do you have people in here illegally subletting this apartment?

-Yes. -That's a flophouse!

Now get the man in black. I want to talk to him,

or I'm running you in.

Well, what's your name, friend?

Why should I tell thee?

Because if you going to keep following me, I want have something else to call you

rather than that asshole who keeps following me.

Fair enough. I'm Jeb.

I've seen thee asking around about this unusual corn.

Yes?

Yeah. What do you know about it?

Thou would not believe me if I told thee.

Try thee.

Me. Try me.

No... I cannot. Thou will think I'm verruckt.

I will not think you're

No matter how crazy it is. I swear to Amish Jesus.

Okay, I am not Amish.

Well, whatever.

If it comes out of your mouth, I'm going to believe it.

Oh, no, no, I can not.

What if I guess?

Seems unlikely.

What if we both say it at the same time,

-what we think is behind all this? -Same time?

Okay.

-One, two, three. -One, two, three.

-The government! -Aliens!

Wait, what?!

-That corn is not of this world. -That is not what I thought you'd say.

Here's what happened,

I was finally getting to third base when..

Hey, wait. What the?

Wait!

Don't, don't you want to hear what I know of these things?

Jeb...

I don't know if you know this, but I don't exactly fit in. All right?

You might not know what that's like.

Well, I am a Mennonite.

I just always thought I was meant for something bigger,

you know, more important.

And when I saw that picture of those plants, I thought, this is it.

These weird colored penis plants are my ticket outta here.

They do look like man root!

But if I go to the FDA with that, they're going to laugh me out of a job.

The FDA. It's one step above shoveling animals off the side of the highway.

No. Count me out.

No, but I, I... I must have help.

You're modern world is...

is strange to me with... with your compact discs and your, and your gelato.

No, no, no. I must.

You have to help me. You help me out!

-Aah! -Ohhh!

God in heaven!

I'm am sorry.

I... ohhh.

Please forgive me.

Ya' kick like a mule.

I understand that reference.

I've never slapped anyone before.

Was it really painful?

It was kind of empowering, actually.

I'm still not believing any of your government bullshit.

Look, look. Forget what I said, all right?

Who cares what caused the...

the fiery ball in the sky?

The government, aliens, a vengeful god...

I will take thee to it and thou can see for thyself.

Fiery ball...

Like the meteor in the papers?

Well, I don't read the devil's handbills but,

but yes, this I saw with mine own eyes.

Okay, well, we got to get one to figure it out.

Tell you what, my horseless carriage is over there.

Follow me and let me do the talking, “Witness.”

Go on, mock my appearance all thou likes.

We're wearing essentially the same thing, ya' know.

...and this Russian hacktivist B.S...

How they gonna hack our eyes?

I don't think so, Wendy.

This is a government cover up, which explains why they crashed it out

in the middle of Amish country.

No camera phones, no social media

that way, if they come to take us away.

They were speaking about my cornfield.

I was going to bring those strange alien plants

to market to... to sell to your confusing hipster people.

But my schnickelfritz cousins beat me to it. When I caught up with them...

they were no longer my cousins.

I can't explain how, but they were different.

Changed.

I knew it was the plant, so I decided to investigate as you are.

Where dost thou think they'll be?

Dunno.

The food trucks are usually lined up along here, but they're not here now.

Todecky, is this thy personal car?

Yeah. '73 Buick LeSabre. Why?

Oh... it's, it's really old.

Tis' older than my truck.

And I'm... I'm supposed to use old things.

Hey man, this car is from a better time.

Back when you had to be a bare chested pimp,

or shave your head into a mohawk... hide a gun up your sleeve.

Simple.

Used to drive a car like this, you got respect.

That's...

Oh...

I do not think so.

This music...

Ugh!

It's terrible.

The singer, he sounds like a... like a goat giving birth.

I worked really hard on this.

Brie, you're home.

What's all this?

Is this all from the trash?

What?

No, this from a Greenmarket.

I thought I'd cook you some dinner.

You've been working so hard lately...

we haven't really had that much alone time.

Hah...

Um.

This is... so nice.

I.. I'm, I'm speechless.

You deserve it.

Why don't you take a load off until dinner's ready, maybe take a nap?

You must be tired.

Not that tired. Why don't you come lay down with me?

But you look tired.

-I do? -Very.

It must be exhausting documenting human suffering while cleaning urinals.

Well, I am kind of stressed but, I'd really rather bone to be honest.

Go lay down.

Everything's gonna be ready very soon.

Fine.

That thing got big.

Something's not right.

No guys walking around with a big boa constrictor on their shoulders...

Well, that's strange.

It is all strange to me.

Thy women... just walking around with their hair uncovered.

Just out in the open. It's hot.

Oh, can I see that photo thou hast been showing around?

Yeah, take a look.

Oh, yes, hah. I know them.

These are two of the lesbian women who sometimes buy my produce.

You sure?

Oh, I remember. Where I come from one does not often see two ladies

hand fornicating with each other.

Nice wrists.

Gimme that.

Todecky.

Uh... hey, it's Brie.

I... I found a weird shit.

Where are you?

At my apartment, and...

my boyfriend's acting really weird.

Weird, how?

Nice, I guess.

And I, I found that glow again.

All right, get out of there.

I can't just leave.

He's making me dinner.

You have to.

I think that glow might be dangerous.

Get out.

And, Brie, if your boyfriend took that shit?

Yeah.

Stay away from him!

Meet me at your office in half an hour.

Brie?

If you see Edie, just don't tell her.

Who cares? We tossed her corn.

It doesn't matter. She's not going to cry about it.

I just think it could be considered offensive within the community.

Where the fuck are the other trucks?

Where is everyone? Yeah.

Why isn't anyone lined up?

Normally would be slammed by now.

Hey, what's going on?

Where'd you get all that Mennonite corn?

Where's yours?

Ahhh, we were into it before it got real popular.

Gave ours away to Edie from the pickle truck.

Which pickle truck?

Brine of the Times?

I forget. Um, maybe Smirkin' Gherkin?

It doesn't matter. Take this one.

Ahh, no we're...

cool.

That was weird, right?

Lulu, start the truck.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Lesbians!

What the fuck, man?!

It's me, Jeb, from the market. Quickly, follow us!

Look at this menu.

Absolutely nothing is pan seared.

Is there anything vegan? I can't find the chutneys.

-I'm not seeing anything locally sourced. -It's farm to table.

That's what I do.

Would all of you just stop your gibberish? You two,

I've been looking for you for a while,

ever since you uploaded that picture to Instagram.

I oughta bust you right now for trafficking in illegal vegetables.

Is he a cop?

FDA, and he's really sensitive about it.

Look, something weird's going down.

We all gotta share information.

Great idea.

Let's table it.

What if we all left here and went to the tapas truck? Small plates!

Ooh, how about the Korean truck?

Kimchi truck!

They're all changed.

They've been podded... They're podoids.

I do not like that name.

Well, regardless, you're going to eat with served to you

because it's sourced

locally by a sweaty chef in the back named Fausto with long fingernails.

The usual?

-Yes, please. -Everyone else?

Coffee.

Oh, my.

How lovely. There are six of you

and you only get coffee?!

Don't bother...

Can you just please speak fucking English?

-What?! -Not okay.

I... I am so sorry.

I'm really tired.

She's under a lot of press... pressure.

Hey, Fausto.

So...

What do we know?

Meteor crashed. Strange corn inside.

Glow from the toilets. People talking on the subway...

Talking to each other... on the subway.

They're aliens.

See? That's what I said!

Not aliens.

I think like a virus, or something like that.

Everybody is acting weird.

And not just Williamsburg weird.

-Different, weird. -Alien weird.

Not aliens.

Ray Ray was being so nice.

He bought food from a store.

It's a long story.

You know, this reminds me of the episode of TV

I once saw. “Scheinfeld”, I believe it was called.

Everyone Met a bizarro version of each other.

Bizarro, huh?

Ehhh.. lot of Jews on that show.

None of us eat any of that corn, right?

-No, we were going to. -But we just gave it away.

Come to think of it, I've been seening them around a lot lately

-Like at my job. -All the food truck chefs had them.

Oh, my Goddess,

are we spreading it around like HPV?

Possibly, but

no one around here seems different.

Maybe it just spread to places that, you know, cool people go.

Yeah, no offense, but this place is too gross to even enjoy ironically.

So the invasion might be isolated in pockets or neighborhoods.

Makes sense it would hit Williamsburg first.

Hipsters love to be into stuff before everyone else.

Why not being snatched by aliens too?

You guys, are we being anti-immigration here?

Good point.

They might just be looking for a safe space.

Hey, I'm from here, all right?

And I watched this neighborhood change.

Anything that wasn't catering to rich white people got pushed out.

I'm not going to let that happen again.

So do we go to the cops?

With what?

We got to get our hands on some of these plants,

take them to the FDA, run some tests.

My boyfriend is one... Has one?

We have one of those pods back at our place.

He left it on our bedroom.

You don't have to raise your hand, Jeb.

Oh, I would like to retrieve my things from the Airbnb

-before the meth using persons take them. -That's a good idea.

You, me, Brie, we'll go get your stuff and her pod.

We'll lay low. Text when we're ready to meet up.

Better yet, don't leave a trace.

We're all on Snapchat, right?

Yeah. Yes.

What? I like to put the filters on my face.

Look...

Die Schlampe!

I'm wearing whore's paint.

Nancy, can I get a box?

Whore.

Thanks.

It's sweet.

Okay.

If I do not return, please delete my browser history.

You know what? Just,

just destroy the phone if you would.

I'm really not supposed to have that.

One hour,

my office,

don't be late.

Welcome back, Jeb.

I hope you've had a pleasant day.

You must be tired.

Dost thou need help with the trash?

Okay.

All right.

Well, it has been really fun,

but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to

check out early, so...

You sure you don't want me to come up with you?

It'll just be weird with my boyfriend up there.

I got it.

You're just worried he's going to catch you with an ex.

Ahh...

We went to a Duane Reade together.

If that makes you my ex, then so is my grandpa.

So just sit here and wait, and I'll be back with your alien fruit.

It's a vegetable.

Probably.

Shit!

You got the pod?

Just drive.

Okay.

Hey, anybody seen a Mennonite?

Dressed like... me

basically.

Mr. Todecky. Good.

I need to see you in my office.

I thought you said you never need to see me.

Things have changed. This way.

No thanks.

Why not?

Because you're infected.

Because you're all infected.

Look at this place.

You're employees of the federal government.

It's after 5 p.m. and you're still here.

Obviously, my friend has had some sort of run in with a pod plant horror show.

And you don't find that a little funny?

Oh, Todecky!

Thou will never believe what I just saw.

You could definitely stop saying that now.

I'm going to believe everything.

And you!

Oh, they goo'd thee too, huh?

Thy clothes...

all... clingy... now.

Jeb.

Huh? Oh, sorry.

Lot on my mind.

It's okay. Follow me.

Okay.

Oh fuck.

Get in!

What happened back at your place?

Well, a starfish shaped space toddler hatched out of it

and try to attach istelf to me like a guy in a band.

What's your story?

They were all... changed.

They... they tried to restrain me, but I

I fought my way through.

All fifteen of them.

I used

anything I could hold as a weapon, bashing

and slicing my way out.

It was horrifying,

yet...

Yet pleasurable as the as the sweat of my labors mixed with... with the

wet of their entrails.

I'm born again, friends.

Baptized in alien blood and, and made new!

What about “Snatchers” as a name for the creatures?

You know, because they snatch your body?

I don't like that name. Let's try to think of something better.

In the meantime, we're going to need a new sample.

And if your work is Alien Corn Central,

then we know where we gotta go.

I can't believe I agreed to come down here with you.

Is that shit?

There's shit everywhere.

I thought you were a maid, you can't be afraid of a little shit.

I'm not a real maid.

Or a real filmmaker either... I don't know. I'm feeling kind of rudderless.

Yeah, well, that's why you date jerks. See, you gotta figure yourself out first,

then you realize you deserve better.

You mean someone nice who drags me into a disgusting sewer

filled with rats and hepatitis?

Why didn't you bring Jeb down here?

Well, if anybody's an alien, it's probably Jeb.

You heard him. He's dropping his Shakespeare talk.

Besides, you know, the building.

This has nothing to do with the last time you suggested coming into the sewer?

It's not some boyhood fucked up fantasy of yours?

I just wanted to come down here is all.

And I am not disappointed.

But I gotta confess,

now that we're down here I just...

I think it's unlikely we're going to be able to find our way up from here.

What?

Yeah, I just figured it'd be like in the movies.

You know, shimmy up a big pipe. But, turns out it's just a bunch of narrow pipes.

You asshole.

I agree to come in this shit river with you and your plan was

“Hey, let's just go into the sewer” end of plan?

Hey, I had the part about going up the pipe, like in the movies.

No, no. If it ends with the words, 'like in the movies, '

it doesn't count as part of the plan.

This is just like the FDA. You went in like such a bad ass

but you didn't have a plan, and you ended up running off

like you shit yourself during the school play.

Hey, that's over the line, okay?

I run a little funny because I have a sports hernia from sports.

Right. Well, we're doing what I say now and I say is we're getting out of here.

Brie, come on.

Brie... wait up.

Brie? Hey Brie!

Todecky, that's the weird glowing shit.

Only there's so much.

What part of the building is this under?

The old generator room but they replaced it

so no one ever goes down there... except the cleaning staff.

Well how did you get down here to clean?

With my keycard.

Why didn't we use that?

Because you had such a huge goddamn sewer boner!

That's why.

I hardly think this is my fault.

Look, the glow seems to be coming from the drain in the floor above us.

So you think you could boost me up?

Maybe.

See, what'd I say?

-Just like in the movies. -Shhhh.

It's Snatchers HQ.

I hate that name. Can't we call 'em “Podsters?”

Or “The Taken?”

It's like a grow house down here.

Yeah, only they're not growing weed.

They're growing an army. Listen, we gotta

Shhhhh.

What is it you wanted to show me down here?

There's no WiFi.

Just keep your eyes closed and let it happen.

Finally. I'm going to blog about this later, if that's cool.

He got corned. It is time to go.

No. We're not running and leaving all these pods.

We can use those cans of gas.

Say no more.

Must have got wet from the sewer.

Do you smell gasoline?

Intruders!

Save the pods.

We'll deal with them later.

I think we lost them.

Okay.

You guys are seriously stinking up my truck.

It's true. You smell.

Well talk to Super Mario the sewer lover over here.

We need a change of clothes, a safe place to regroup and figure out our next move.

We should go to the police.

All right, that's it.

It's time to call in a favor.

I know a guy down at the bureau.

Which Bureau?

Census Bureau?

Indian Affairs?

Hang on. That's funny.

Special Agent Devereaux? This is Paul Todecky.

I'm going to need some backup.

... Todecky.

Yeah, you gave me your card!

I had to mail you your handkerchief.

Crying, right! See? You do remember.

So listen, there's something weird going down. I got some inside intel and...

Hello?

Hello?

Guys...

they got to him.

I think they infiltrated the FBI.

Wow, Todecky. Wow.

As embarrassing as that was,

and that was the single most humiliating moment I've ever witnessed.

I think you probably have a point. Alright?

If I was one of those things, I would infiltrate the cops first.

Well then who can help us?

We gotta get some help from outside the law.

So how do you know the White Duke, Todecky?

Yeah, he's super famous.

Everybody loves him.

Oh, except the ASPCA.

They don't like his sled dogs.

Well, we grew up together back in Williamsburg

before it was being gentrified.

Just two Polish kids hanging out.

Then he got a little weird.

He got weird?

Yeah, I love his retro vibe.

This is retro to you guys?

Don't you mean thee guys?

What?

Your speech, it's changing.

You noticed! It's working.

You see, I realized I can't go home again, so I have to try to make a new life here

in this world.

Are my eyes playing tricks on me?

Do I see Paul Todecky up in my crib?

Am I trip pin?

Wait!

Let me ask my boys if I'm trip pin.

Is daddy trip pin right now?

Is daddy trip pin right now?

No?!

Todecky's really here.

Well, well,

well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well...

Are you done?

Nope.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

And what do we have here?

Todecky's brought his whole playgroup with him.

Have you met my crew?

Look, Kevin, we don't want any trouble, all right?

What are you looking for, Todecky?

Protection.

Pffft!

Why should I help you?!

Because you and Todecky are friends,

and we all need your help.

Paaa ha!

Todecky ain't my friend.

He never calls me to hang out.

He's been ignoring me since high school.

You didn't even accept my invitation to connect on Linkedln.

It probably went to my spam folder.

And what about the rest of crew, man?

Do you remember them?

Mathletes?

Dwight!

You forget all your childhood friends

and you roll up in here looking for protection?

This is serious, alright?

And it's not just about us.

The whole city's in trouble, maybe the whole planet.

Man... what kind of bullshit is coming out of you right now?

You remember those plants we were talking about the other day?

Right...

and I told you I don't eat that shit.

Just waffles and pussyyyyyy.

Right, right, right, right.

Well, turns out they might be from another planet.

Fuck that shit.

Aliens, please.

It's true. They're infecting people,

controlling them.

Tell him.

Oh, ahh.

Your Majesty.

Get up.

Do... do you remember the meteor?

Yeah.

It crash landed on my property.

The strange penis corn was inside.

They took over my village.

I had one of those pods and a thing came out of it and try to attach itself to me.

That's how they snatch your bodies.

I call them “Snatchers.”

Great, name. Go on.

They took over all of our friends.

Todecky and I crashed their headquarters, and they chased us, and

that's how we ended up here.

Kevin...

Duke.

I know I could have been a better friend to you, and I'm sorry about that.

We just drifted apart.

You know, I went into the law enforcement

and you became an Isaac Hayes impersonator.

I still don't get most of your decisions, but I coulda tried harder.

But either way I'm here now

as an old friend.

Just let us stay here tonight, till we figure this mess out.

Okay.

I heard you out.

Crazy shit.

I don't know how you, uh, brainwashed

all these people into believing your fucking delusions Todecky,

and I really don't care.

You come to me for protection

for you and your little friends,

and I'm gonna give it to you, free of charge, for as long as you like.

All you have to do is one little thing.

What?

Kiss my ring.

Oh, fuck this.

I'm taking my chances with “The Taken.”

Ehh... “Snatchers.”

She's right, it's better. It is.

So, what do you say Todecky?

Ready to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center?

There's a hair on it.

Oh, probably the dog's.

Now that wasn't so bad, now was it?

Yer' still a fucking weirdo.

You now have my protection!

My men will take you to your quarters for the night.

If there's anything you require, ring the gong in your room,

and one of my concierge, slash prostitutes, will be right along.

Goodnight.

Oh, by the way, if you're interested. At midnight we'll be playing

Axis and Allies, the game of World War Two domination, up in my media room.

Thanks, Dwight.

Well...

Yeah, I guess I'll just, uh...

-check the situation here. -You sure?

Yeah. No! This is sticky.

-What is that? This is... -It's all right, we can share.

I mean, we've been in the sewers together.

Yeah, right.

Ahh.

Admit it, you liked it just a little bit.

No, that was the worst.

Fair enough.

Still, we got these pretty sweet PJs out of the deal.

-Pretty... -Silky?

Yeah, pretty silky.

Look like Siegfried and Roy.

Ya' really know what to say to a girl, Todecky.

Yeah. You know, I wanted to talk to you earlier.

I saw you in the park before all this happened.

Why didn't you say hi?

Ehh, some Park Slope mommy started yelling at me.

You're such a chicken shit.

Brie?

Can I ask you a personal question?

Hiding out from the aliens together so... open book time.

Well... like...

if I didn't take you to that drugstore...

Yeah?

And, um...

you weren't seeing somebody right now...

He's probably snatched, but, okay...

You know, and we weren't spending the night in Prince's sex dungeon?

Yeah.

Do you think I'd have a shot with you?

Ahh...

Well, I used to think you were a little weird...

but now that I see how weird weird gets,

you seem relatively normal in comparison, but

probably not.

Ouch.

Okay.

Plus, really, right now in my life I'm just looking to bone, so...

mainly dating for looks.

What?

I know it sounds awful and it's hugely disappointing on so many levels,

but it's true.

I don't know what I want out of my life, but I know

I want it to include some serious rough boning with some hot ass dudes.

So if they're an asshole, like it's not the end of the world.

It's pretty blunt, Brie.

Luke Skywalker was nice, but everyone wanted to bang Han Solo.

Well, yeah, But you know, just because Han Solo's

a bad boy doesn't mean he's necessarily better at boning.

You know I bet if Luke had a chance with Leia he would have, you know, really...

Uhhh...

-They're siblings. -No I know they're... well, now... but,

-Yeah. Yeah. -And I'm not... that's not my thing.

No, no. Yeah, um...

-Just want to be clear. -Yeah, yeah. No, I know.

Don't try to be something that you're not.

You know, just if you're a Luke, be a Luke.

There's plenty of women out there that like that. Especially older,

bearded, Jedi Master Luke.

Kind of has, like, a older college

professor thing going on.

Brie, I know I'm not a lot of things,

but I can speak without a drop of uncertainty and knowing full

well that tomorrow we could be walking skins suits for aliens.

If you let me,

I will Han Solo you like you've never been Han Solo'd before.

Hey, we're all pajama buddies.

Yeah.

You guys, something happened in me and Gem's bedroom.

-Something beautiful? -Step off that.

I heard something from someone... I don't, I don't know.

And I found this.

That's the same purple goo stuff from my apartment.

And the Airbnb.

-Which means that... -One of us got corned.

Well, Brie had that goo all over her earlier,

how do we know she didn't get taken?

Brie wasn't in your room, she was with me the whole time.

Nice.

Jeb, you got all gooed up today, too.

Oh, sure, blame the single guy.

It's not my fault I'm here alone.

I got cock blocked by a meteor.

Where'd you learn that phrase, bible school?

Hey hey hey...

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it, you guys. Stop.

This is exactly what they want.

They want us paranoid and fighting amongst ourselves.

We have to calm down and think this through.

She's right. None of us can really vouch for any other.

We've all been away from each other, at least for a while

at some point. So it could be any one of us... or the Duke, or his men.

-Where are they? -Recreating World War II in his media room

Don't you listen?

Let's concentrate on who's in this room, okay?

We need a way to test to see who's an... “Overtaker.”

God, “Snatcher.”

We need a test to see who's a Snatcher.

I know a way,

but none of you are going to like it.

No purple glow,

-you're good to go. -Makes perfect sense.

Sure, it's no problem for the sewer fetishist.

Hey, I don't have a sewer fetish.

I just went down there because it's offbeat and forbidden.

That's like the definition of a fetish.

Fuck this.

I cannot do bathroom stuff in front of other people.

This is like gym class all over again.

I was bullied!

Look, if you guys have any other idea to tell who's who, I'm all ears,

otherwise I hope you had your fiber.

Let's not be rude about it.

Honestly, I'm just excited to be using indoor plumbing.

Okay, so who's first?

Your idea.

We have to see it, Jeb.

Right, yeah...

I got more.

Ewww... Scheiße!

It's not glowing.

-No, I know, but... -I don't need to see this.

That's some weird ass shit, Todecky.

Really?

How often do you eat at the dump that you took us to?

Every day.

You should see a doctor.

It's that bad?

Don't.

Lulu is gone.

I even had you fooled, didn't I Gem?

Soon there will be no distinction.

We will become you and you will simply cease to be.

Okay, just let Gem go.

Your species has remarkable empathy for one another,

which is stupid.

I am so sorry, Gem.

Oh god, she's dead.

I don't care if they're from outer space or not.

Nobody comes into my...

why can't I remember this?

What is it again?

Duchy.

Thank you.

...duchy and starts shit!

Check this shit out.

Todecky!

I am very sorry.

Safety's on, we're good.

Guys, we just can't go in there and shoot up the place.

There's way too many of them now.

Plus, no one else seems to see what's happening

and the cops think we're murderers. So we need to figure out another way.

What is he doing?

That's my microwave.

What?

It's not the electric clothing dryer?

I put my underwear in there!

Oh, dude...

The one in my apartment exploded.

These things are really susceptible to microwaves.

So what are we supposed to do,

lure 'em into a bunch of microwaves? Send out a message to meet up at PC Richards?

No.

We need to figure out a way to hit the building. Maybe

take them all out without firing a single shot.

But where do you find a giant microwave?

Space satellites?

Cooking schools?

Live radio broadcast is done through microwaves.

If we could find a broadcast tower down near south fourth,

where Scott Shannon does his radio show.

What?! He says what we're all thinking.

If we could find a way to get up there and redirect the dish down at the nest,

we could turn that whole place into a huge tub of popcorn.

For Lulu.

Yeah, for Lulu.

Greco, Roman,

What's wrong boys?

They found us.

We got to get to the truck.

-Let's go, now! -I'm staying.

This is my house in my hood, and I'm repping it

'til the end of it.

You want some of this motherfucker?

Take it! Take it, you fucking bitch!

Take it!!!

Somebody's chasing.

It's the pickle truck, lady.

The French Pickler?

No, the other one. It's none of them,

they all got corned.

All your pickle friends are gone.

Now hit them with something.

What is this?

It's Kimchi. Lulu made it.

This one's for Lulu.

Yeaggh!

Holy crap, eh?

I really have to learn some English exclamations.

I am very proud of myself!

Good morning, America. It's Scott and Wendy on the radio

Is that it?

And today we are doing it caffeine free!

How long that'll last, who knows?

Now it's a broadcast facility, so security is bound to be tight.

Brie, I'm going to need you to distract...

Todecky, It's a radio station.

There's no guards. No one's even listening.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Until you said something.

I forgot radio even existed.

-I don't think I have a radio. -Are you fucking with me?

They're joking everyone I know owns a radio.

-See? -See?

Okay, enough. Let's get to the roof.

All right, let's split up.

Gem, Jeb, you guys go that way.

Me and Brie, we'll go this way.

Shout if you find the stairs up.

We almost had a moment back there at the Duke's, right?

Yeah. That was something.

Almost.

Seems like a shame, what with us about to die and everything...

that we didn't... explore that.

Are you trying to hook up with me, like now?

Now, with all this shit happening?

Jesus, let's go already.

These all look the same, and we still haven't found the stupid stairs up.

Should we call them?

Great.

Jeb? Jeb?

Gem, is that you?

What are you doing here?

The last time we saw you, you were going full Rambo

to protect your home.

Did you see how many of them there were out there?

Besides, I can replace a lot of that memorabilia on eBay.

Why were you guys doing all that shit at me while I was following you

-in the truck? -That was you?

-Oh, man. Sorry about that. -It's cool.

Let's just get to the roof.

There has to be stairs up. Maybe a custodial office or something.

And keep your eyes open for Jeb.

That turd got himself lost, or I did.

Gem, I should have told you

this before, but I'm really sorry about your loss.

Yeah,

Yeah, I really can't believe it.

I'm dying inside.

It must have been really difficult for you.

Everyone

I know spends all this time trying to be someone that they're not.

But Lulu,

Lulu was happy with who she was.

Who can say that anymore?

I think I could make you feel better.

Not the time, dude.

You son of a bitch!

Shhh, don't fight it.

Don't fight it.

It'll all be over soon.

Brie, what are you doing?

Ray Ray?

That's not him.

It's me. New and improved.

Brie, I realized you're the most important thing to me.

Brie...

I want to do more stuff together...

Like, sexually.

The really, really weird stuff you're always begging me for.

-Brie... -Shhh. Let's, let's hear him out.

You know, I'll quit art and go back to male modeling.

Just... please... let me

All right, enough. The lady's with me.

The aliens have super strength.

What?

-It's okay. I got this. -Wait, hold on.

He's right, Todecky. He's the new and improved Ray.

But I can still do better.

FfffffffFUCK.

Where's all the alien goo?

-You fucking shot me! -You're not an alien?

He's not an alien?

-There are aliens? -Yes. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, you're just acting so weird.

You made me dinner with stuff you bought.

I just got that stuff of a Meals on Wheels truck.

I was trying to wine and dine you...

so you could buy me Coachella tickets.

Wha.. what about the weird...

glowing shit in the toilet?

I didn't...

Oh, Jodi came over.

Your important critic, ex-girlfriend, Jodi?

-You're a real dick, Ray Ray. -Owww!

But I guess I'm glad you're not one of them.

Thanks.

So... so there are aliens?

Yes!

And I am so sorry about that misunder...

shooting.

If you're not an alien, how did you track us?

Find my iPhone.

You gave me your Apple ID when I bought those “Against Me” tickets.

It was a rad show.

I found the stairs, so...

Who's this guy?

It's so many stairs.

-So, wait, you're kicking me out? -Yes.

Dish is over there on that tower.

You go.

I'll stay behind.

Really?

Yeah. You fucking shot me, I need medical attention.

Sorry.

I'll stay too...

-to, to hold them off. -We gotta go.

Bye, Ray.

-I'm Jeb. -I'm Ray Ray.

-Hi. -Hey.

Guess we might die, huh?

Yeah.

Well, still nice to meet you, Jeb.

You know, it's nice to meet you, too.

Has anybody ever told you you have

really... nice hands.

Oh, trashcan moisturizer.

Third base.

Okay, that'll do. That'll do.

Look who I found.

-You guys okay? -Yeah, yeah. Good.

Violence!

All right, let's do this.

Wait, Brie, what if we just talked to them first?

-What? -Yeah...

-try to work it out. -There's no time.

They're gone, Todecky.

Don't resist.

Things will be much better once we're in control.

You'll see.

We've taken over countless worlds,

inhabited the bodies of every species imaginable.

Without question, humanity is the worst.

Believe me, this is an upgrade.

It's not your fault.

-You just don't know any better. -You're right. We don't.

We don't know any better.

We make irrational decisions in the face of overwhelming logic.

Should I have gone to medical school like Heidi Ronson?

-Yeah, my mom was right about that. -Brie...

Now I make documentaries earning minimum wage, doing a job

I'm frankly not even qualified to do.

The thing about me, thing about humanity, is that we just don't know any better.

We do what's right for us even if it is incredibly stupid.

Right!

That's what we're saying.

Yeah, people are stupid.

We fail FBI test after FBI tests over and again,

but we get up, and we take that expensive Caplan test prep course and we reapply...

even if we're actively discouraged

from doing so by those dicks at the academy registrar office.

You're just saying what she said with different unflattering

specifics about yourself.

One, you don't know that I wasn't talking about someone else...

and two, humanity always has an ace up its sleeve.

Fuck.

Fuck yes, redemption.

Jeb, you made it.

I've got two fists:

Dairy, and Creamer.

Creamer is smooth.

So silky... YAH! You'll never see her coming.

Dairy's a big heifer who will kick you if you wrong her.

We're lactose intolerant as a species.

Even Better.

Jeb!

Don't.

God forgive me,

I used a microwave!

Shit.

Can you hurry?

Point it at the building.

Our very first guest is a very funny guy..

Friend of mine... Joe Piscopo.

Good morning, Joe.

Ahhh... we're off the air.

Now that is a lot of fire.

That is a surprising amount of fire.

Yeah.

We should go.

Yep. Yeah.

How do we know if we stopped them in time?

...and the blaze has been contained.

Authorities claim the same Russian hacktivists, who we all know

orchestrated the meteorite hoax, are also to blame for this fire.

They got to Scott Shannon.

It's bigger than we thought. What do we do?

Just keep driving.

...in a nearly unanimous vote in favor of universal governmental consolidation.

How this will be implemented is yet to be seen, but UN officials

I think we should stick to the back roads. Stay away from I-10.

Meanwhile US lead NATO corn shipments continue globally while at home

Turn him off.

...an all time low of .4%

Sign says they don't open for 30 minutes so...

What you want to do?

Let's bone.

Closed Captioning provided by Littleknife Media