Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

It smells like fear.

MEL GIEDROYC VOICEOVER: I've invited six well-known faces...

Ready?

..to my very racy book club.

Oh.

It is getting spicy.

Making me sweat.

Amateur writers have worked with us...

I can't read this!

Wow.

I'm dressing up as a fireman?

MARTIN HOWLS

..to create mind-blowing fantasies...

Whoever wrote this is a G!

..of love...

Ugh!

Quite hot, isn't it?

..passionate liaisons...

I would never do that.

No!

..and unbridled lust.

Oh, no, there's a limit.

We've used puppets, so you don't have to use...

Beavers forever!

..your imagination.

Oh, my God!

So join me for the rudest book club in town.

I just can't accept what I'm reading.

What a story!

And that was just page one.

Coleen Nolan, welcome...

Thank you. ..to my exclusive book club.

We're here for this, Coleen Nolan.

There's a lovely group

of writers that have brewed something very,

very special, for you, Ms Nolan.

Well, it's about time, Mel. Isn't it?

It's taken years for that to happen.

Do you ever read books with a slightly saucy entendre?

Well, I mean, 50 Shades of Grey.

Oh. Read all three in about a week.

Did you? Oh, yes.

We all look innocent on the outside, but inside,

a mucky mind. WHISPERING: Particularly you, Coleen.

QUIETLY CHUCKLING: Yes, exactly.

Don't you look at that, Coleen.

Did you just look at the page, did you just look at page one?

I just saw the, what it was called.

And what's it called?

Eager Beavers. MEL CHUCKLES

I'm sweating at the title.

COLEEN READS:

Do we just sit here and read quietly like a library?

It would be good for the show if we could read it aloud. COLEEN CHUCKLES

Off we go, Coleen.

Right. I'm ready for you, come on.

"Sat on Blackpool beach..."

Oh, it couldn't be anywhere, like, beautiful, could it?

Like Barbados or Bahamas?

"Sat on Blackpool beach,

"amongst the deck chairs and donkeys,

"Coleen was thumbing through Tinder,

"hoping to find something to distract her for the evening."

Can I just say, does one thumb through Tinder?

Yes, regularly.

THEY LAUGH

""Too big." She swiped.

""Too small." She swiped.

""Too hairy," she said, like a sexy over-45 Goldilocks.

"It was day one of the Annual Loose Women Summer Retreat... COLEEN GIGGLES

"..an event she hadn't attended since the infamous Lusardi,

"Klass and Vorders foursome of 2014."

Hang on, that's Linda Lusardi, Myleene...

Myleene Klass and Carol Vorderman. WHISPERING: ..and Carol Vorderman.

Yes. Oh, nice, so we're going back in time?

We're going back in time.

HARP GLISSANDOS

"All four of them had broken into Blackpool's historic ballroom."

Wow. COLEEN GASPS

"There on the spring-loaded floor,

"things had taken an unexpected turn.

"Nolan hadn't been sure, not at first,

"but as she watched Carol stroke,

"suck and seductively squeeze Lusardi,

"then Klass, before carefully,

"cleverly kissing and caressing her,

"she had become surer than sure."

I'm sleeping with my co-workers?

Yeah. It's the power of Vorders. I would turn for Vorders. COLEEN GIGGLES

Well, yeah, I guess so. Do you call her Vorders?

No, I call her Carol. THEY CHUCKLE

"The feeling was orgasmic.

"She had never experienced the good love of

"a woman before

"and it was a fountain from which she wanted to drink daily."

Oh, my God! MEL CHUCKLES QUIETLY

Who is watching Loose Women every day and imagining this?

Imagining us all and this going on.

WHISPERING: I think there might be quite a few of them.

Do you? Yes.

Can we just categorically deny, though, that that's ever happened?

It's fiction. Is it fiction? OK.

It's fiction. It's all fiction. OK.

It's making me a bit hot, you know.

"But with a Vorders veto on a round two,

"she vowed never to return."

HARP GLISSANDOS

""Arrrrkkkkk", squawked a seagull,

"pulling her out of her fantasy."

It was slightly Janet Street-Porter.

IMITATING:It warrrkkk! Hello! Mornin'! THEY LAUGH QUIETLY

""What a night", she said to nobody on the beach, sadly.

"If only they'd wanted to continue.

"Another Tinder image slid across her phone screen.

Ooh. "Oh, no, not what I'm after tonight at all.

It's Vorders again. THEY GIGGLE

"Coleen had arrived horny as hell,

"but Tinder wasn't tonight's real target.

"The current crop of foxy females on the Loose Women panel

"had Coleen spoilt for choice

"and as wet as the Irish Sea,

"which slammed against Blackpool beach in

"the same way Coleen hoped

"to slam against some fellow panellists."

I can't go back to work.

You'll go back with just a bit of added spice.

Will I? You'll be looking at McGiffin, going...

They'll be literally all looking at me going,

"Why are you looking at me like that?" And I'll go,

"You don't know what we did last night." MEL LAUGHS

"Coleen knew exactly who she wanted this weekend.

"Not Janet.

"She'd heard she was a champion nibbler,

"but she didn't stop talking.

"Not Ruth. Apparently she'd always insist that Eamonn watched on Facetime.

THEY LAUGH QUIETLY

The detail of Facetime there is very,

very good, isn't it?

Page three and I'm totally invested. Oh.

"Well, no. This weekend would be all about Love...

"..and Solomon."

Judi and Stacey. Stacey. Excellent.

"As the sun set, etc,

"Coleen swiped some sand off

"the blue-chequered extra large picnic blanket she'd just laid out.

Can I just say, a little bit lazy there - "as the sun set, etc"?

Yeah, they couldn't, they couldn't be arsed with that, could they?

Did they not want to set the scene a bit more?

No. I'm a bit like that when I read these things.

Will you just get to the point?

I'm not interested in how the room was decorated.

MEL SIGHS "Coleen had laid out the picnic snacks,

"hoping her guests wouldn't spot they were all aphrodisiacs." MEL GASPS

"Oysters, artichoke balls, strawberries,

"chocolate fingers and a healthy crate of budget Cava.

Have you ever had any food that's ever made you feel quite up for it?

Not being funny, cup of tea and a biscuit and I'm anyone's.

LAUGHING: Really?

Depending on the biscuit.

A ginger nut wouldn't work for me.

I don't mind a ginger nut.

But a custard cream would.

Oh, really? Cos there's something a bit fffmph.

Mwah.Just about that filling. COLEEN LAUGHS

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, you're all for the filling. I'm all for the filling.

Yeah, I'm all for the taste. MEL SNORTS

"Coleen heard the unmistakable giggle of the girl from Dagenham.

""Oh, Coleen, this looks amazing, I'm so excited..."

That's uncanny. "..said Stacey excitedly. MEL CHUCKLES

""Babes, this is sweet as. You know what I'm saying",

"purred Judi Love, following inches behind Stacey.

"Coleen was already aroused.

"Now she just had to get them feeling fruity, too.

""Finger, anyone?" said Coleen,

"slyly offering the chocolate digit.

"Stacey giggled.

""Naughty, naughty, Col, but don't mind if I do."

"Coleen slurped down an oyster.

"It didn't go unnoticed by Stacey.

""Good", thought Coleen,

""The finger has already started working." THEY LAUGH QUIETLY

I mean, it's so my humour.

""Fancy a strawberry?" said Coleen to Judi seductively,

"leaning forward and plopping it in her mouth."

No. It's not that, is it?

That's good, no. No, it's plopping,

I was plopping it in my own mouth.

Plopping HER strawberry... In my mouth.

..into your mouth. Yeah, let's get it right. REWINDING SOUND EFFECT

"Before plopping it into her own mouth."

How do we feel about plopping?

Plopping's not the most sexiest of words, is it?

Plopping, to me... Is toilet areas.

It is. Yeah, yeah.

No getting away from it.

It's floaters, it's...

COLEEN LAUGHS Isn't it? It's U-bend, slightly.

""One of my artichokes, perhaps?"

"Coleen asked with her sexiest smile.

""I have always been able to handle a set of balls, ha!",

"bellowed Judi with a suggestive wink.

"It was all the signals Coleen needed. The night was on."

Aaah. Can I just say, Coleen? Yes?

How do you make an artichoke ball?

You're really, really getting involved

in the wrong bits of this story.

In the snacks, I'm sorry. I mean, you're missing the point here.

For me it's all about the snacks, Coleen.

Sorry, my love, sorry. Oh, this is, this is to the reader.

OK.

COLEEN READING:

"I've taken poetic licence

"because I myself have never been involved in a menage a trois,

"which is French for threesome... MEL SNORTS

"..yet, LOL. I hope you enjoy it.

""Oh, my," squealed Stacey,

"as Coleen dived on her, just as she'd seen

"the lifeguard diving into the sea that afternoon.

"But instead of finding Stacey's floatation aids" -

breasts, in brackets -

"Coleen found Judi's." COLEEN GASPS

"The brunette songstress began to leave

"a trail of soft kisses along Judi's skin.

MEL WOLF WHISTLES It's moving fast now,

we're moving into new territory.

""I like it soft", purred Judi.

""Like I'm being massaged by one of them angora rabbits.""

Who gets massaged by an angora rabbit?

Was it, an angora rabbit is one of those...

One of them big furry things.

Real, real big ones. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Does Judi keep rabbits, do we know?

No, not that I know of. Is she interested?

"Coleen reached out and stroked Judi's neck

"with the back of her hand,

"starting from the top and going down low into her cleavage

"and trying to feel as much like an angora rabbit as she could."

THEY LAUGH God.

"Coleen pulled an aroused Stacey into their clinch

"and Judi's lips collided with Stacey's,

"before they both descended onto Coleen's lovely beacons.

MEL LAUGHS LAUGHING: "It felt simply marvellous.

Suddenly quite Enid Blyton.

COLEEN CHUCKLES IN RP ACCENT: "It felt simply marvellous."

"Abrasive sand and exposed orifices were no ballroom floor,

"but no matter. This was too much fun." MEL CACKLES

"The air was alive with mouths, breasts,

"legs and lady gardens, all seeking and finding each other."

"Lady gardens"? Come on.

Front bottom? No. No.

But then I don't want to just go...

WHISPERING: .."vagina".

That's a bit... No, you're like me.

It's a bit biology. I'd rather say all those other things than...

I know. And we can't even say it out loud.

No. It's like...

What was that? WHISPERING: Penis.

WHISPERING: Oh, penis. No.

It's our upbringing, Coleen. Yeah, it is.

But anyway, back to this.

Oh. "Her mouth hung open like a paused sex doll for

"a moment."

That's what I'm thinking.

That's too surprised.

The eyes have to be deader.

Yeah. Yeah.

"Coleen Nolan had simply never felt more alive,

"except of course that last time, all those years ago.

"They each had one more enormous volcano

"of internal flickering pleasure,

"before they lay back on the cool sand

"and looked at the increasingly light Blackpool sky."

I'm never going back, just so you know. Not even going.

What, back to Blackpool or to Loose...

Back to Loose. I'll go back to Blackpool.

I've done loads of things under those piers.

That's another story.

"They would have to head back to the hotel soon, before

"the holidaymakers swarmed the beach.

""So babes, that was fun, yeah,

"but I think we best pretend this never happened, right?"

"Judi let the question hang as loosely

"and enticingly as her breasts.

""Totally", agreed Stacey.

""I mean, that was fun, like, really fun,

""but I think it's made me realise I'm definitely a one woman gal."

MINOR PIANO CHORDS PLAY

"Coleen's libido shattered like a bus shelter."

BOTH: Wow.

Has your libido ever shattered like a bus shelter?

Mine has.

As in, it's gone?

It's gone after three minutes.

You've got three minutes with me and then I'm done. I get bored.

Do you? Yeah. My libido just goes, "D'you know what? Soap's back on."

""I know what you mean Stace.

""Two is too much of the good spice to handle," nodded Judi.

"Coleen eyed each of them.

"This was not what she wanted, but before she knew it,

"she found herself agreeing out loud.

""OK, yeah, of course, you're right", Coleen stuttered,

"sadness seeping out of her face.

""Last night is all this can ever be.

""Agreed?" said Judi firmly. "Let's pinky swear",

"said Stacey. "Pinky swear", said Coleen,

"deflated, as the three women locked fingers.

Hang on, you've got to be a bit more deflated there, Coleen, sorry.

OK.

RELUCTANTLY, SIGHING: ""Pinky swear..."

That's good. Is that good?

Yeah.

"..said Coleen, deflated, as the three women locked fingers.

PIANO CHORDS GROW MORE DRAMATIC

"Coleen already knew it would be agony to never be

"the jam in that delicious Victoria sponge again."

MEL CHUCKLES "The night was over."

Wow. "But Coleen was not done.

"This couldn't end.

"Like Jurassic Park, she'd find a way."

Wow. I'm starting to like me in this.

I'm liking that I don't care. Mm.

Here's to not caring, my friend.

Here's to not caring.

Cheers. Cheers.

"But what to do?

""Where's the fire, ma'am?"

"Or WHO to do?"

Well, listen. Cheers, me dear.

Cheers. So, we're on Blackpool beach,

things have got kind of saucy with the LW colleagues.

Mm, apparently I'm going to find a way to make it happen.

Read on, Macduff.

"Coleen looked out her hotel room window,

"and despite her best efforts to stop,

"her mind kept straying to

"the previous night of delicious flesh.

"Coleen felt herself ready to explode."

You've exploded a lot in this already, haven't you?

I'm exploding left, right and centre, like a grenade.

"Just as her little daydream began to moisten her silk draws..."

I think they might have spelt wrong cos they've put D-R-A-W-S. W-S, yeah.

Shouldn't it be drawer? Or is it draws?

I don't know. Is it important?

No. By the look you're giving me, it really isn't important.

No. I'm just so glad

I didn't read 50 Shades with you next to me. MEL LAUGHS

"Ping, ping! Coleen's phone pinged twice.

"Coleen read out the first message.

"Stacey - ""Listen, gorgeous gal,

""you are the sweetest thing in the entire universe.

""I lied on the beach. The only reason I pinky swore,

""right, was because I want you all to myself.

""Judi is fab, but I couldn't share you with anyone.

""I don't know if you feel the same way too, but if you do,

""come to my room 307, tonight, yeah?"

""My, my", she said aloud. Things WERE looking up.

It's a long message.

It's a long text message. Very long.

Better in a voice note, to be honest.

Much better in a voice note. Doing that.

It's a lot of thumbing. A lot of thumbing.

Carry on.

"Then Coleen turned to the other message,

"from Judi - "Babes, like, that was intensely intense

""last night, right? But I'm not gonna lie,

""I had a sly little plan for our pinky swear.

""I couldn't stand sharing you with Stace, man.

""Why don't you come to my little pad, room 311, later?

""Big love, babes." That's two doors down.

They're very close to each other.

Crucially, not next door.

No, but... I'm thinking Vorders might be in 309.

Ah, I hope she doesn't text me as well, I can't cope with this.

"It was the worst - and it was the best -

"two messages a horny Loose Woman could ever receive.

"But what to do? Or should that be WHO to do?

"Judi or Stacey? Or, she suddenly had a thought.

""Both," she whispered to herself. Dare I?

MEL GASPS What are you gonna do, Coleen?

What am I gonna do? I'm excited to read on.

I'm getting into this now, and I'm getting good.

""Yes", she answered herself,

"Coleen wanted to have her cake and eat everyone else's."

If you start talking about cake now...

What is your favourite cake? Madeira.

Oh, I like... A bit dry. I like Madeira, a bit dry.

We don't like dry cake in here.

No, there's no room for dry cake in here. No, no dry cake in here.

Bit of red velvet, though. Oooh.

Mm.

""All I need to do is make sure

""neither of them finds out about the other," purred Coleen,

"slipping her keycard into her breast pocket and exiting her room.

"Coleen scuttled along the corridor like a nervous crab."

MEL GASPS How does a nervous crab scuttle?

It would be...

Yeah. Oh, no, it would be sideways, wouldn't it?

Sideways?Yeah, you beat... THEY LAUGH

That's one of your early Nolan Sisters manoeuvres right there. Yep.

# I'm in the mood for dancing... # COLEEN LAUGHS

One of the best tunes, can I just say that?

Thank you. I can say that. Thank you. Sorry. Good.

"Her mind was racing with what Stacey might have in store for her.

"Opening the door to Stacey's room,

"Coleen found her sitting on the unmade bed.

"The woman was a bombshell, the room was a bomb site.

""No tat to tidy here, Stace?"

""I went wild without you", Stacey said, as she pushed a silky,

"ribbony fireman's outfit across the bed towards Coleen."

I'm dressing up as a fireman? Why a fireman?

But it's a silky, ribbony one. Lovely. Ugh.

""Put this on now", she ordered,

"sultry and authoritative,

"like a sexy corporal.

"With a thrill of erotic excitement,

"Coleen slipped slinkily on the silky, ribbony fireman costume.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: ""Where's the fire, ma'am?" Coleen stated."

You've gone American, Coleen. Well, because it's written like, I,

I can't do it in an English, IN ENGLISH ACCENT: "Where's the fire, ma'am?"

It's just not as sexy, is it?

That southern drawl was quite, IMITATING ACCENT: "Where's the fire, ma'am?"

""Where's the fire, ma'am?" Coleen stated,

"enjoying the ribbony braces softly brushing against her nips."

This is the most bizarre thing I've ever done. MEL CHUCKLES

"Wanting to be a good fireman, she found a hose,

"a hoover hose, and turning it on,

"attached the nozzle to Stacey's sensational breasts.

THEY LAUGH

That's like pulling a baby out, though,

isn't it, that's quite strong, isn't it?

Pfff. But it's also not sexy, is it?

No. The hoover stuck to the end of your boob.

""Your turn" and with that, Stacey pounced.

SWEEPING ROMANTIC STRINGS SOAR

"Tonight was a kaleidoscope of labia,

"fingers and nuzzling noses all vying for attention.

"And then the two women climaxed,

"backlit by the Lancashire sunset in the window.

""I want you, all of you, and only you", said Coleen.

""Promise?" Stacey said. ""Y y-yes", Coleen stammered,

"her pinky burning with the deceit it felt."

When it says your pinky... Cos they pinky promised.

Cos they, oh, I see. Cos they did the old...

She's going against it, so it's on fire, isn't it?

Cos she's lying. Yeah. Good, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

"Coleen's phone buzzed in the breast pocket

"of her silk fireman's jacket."

DRAMATIC BRASS BLARES PHONE BUZZES

"It was Judi.

COLEEN READING:

""Who, is it?" murmured Stacey. ""Tell 'em to do one. You're busy."

""Sorry, sweetie, it's Mark Owen, I have to answer.

""Let's pick this up later. Bye-ee!"

Oh, my, suddenly we've got a member of Take That in there.

She's just making an excuse of who she's on the phone to.

Oh... Will you read it properly?! Concentrate.

Concentrate. Sorry.

I bet you were a nightmare at school.

"She grabbed her clothes and fled,

"coming out of the bedroom like a greyhound out of a trap.

"Coleen knocked on the door to Judi's room..." KNOCKING ON DOOR

"..and it swung open before her.

"Forbidden fruit tasted the sweetest.

""But Stacey can't find out", she reminded herself.

""Hi, you must be the masseuse I ordered?"

"Judi whispered in a very deep, husky voice.

"Coleen purred, "Prrrrrrrr."

I can't purr. Prr, I can't purr.

Can you not do it? Roll your tongue.

HALF ROLLING: Prrrr. PERFECT ROLLING: Prrrrr.

But, no. Prrrrr.

FALTERINGLY:Pruhuh, prrrr. MEL LAUGHS

"Coleen purred."

Prrrr.

"On the bed she saw her uniform.

"Not a masseuse outfit, but a policeman's."

Another member of the emergency services.

Yes.

Presumably at some point you're gonna have an ambulance as well.

Oh, definitely. Let's prepare for that. Paramedic.

""You haven't told Stace about this, have you, babe?

""This will only work if it's just me and you, babes.

""That's the deal, yeah?"

""Judi, love, I've only got eyes for you",

"said Coleen, pinky now searing.

""Now relax, you feel very tense."

"Coleen pushed her thumbs into Judi's shoulder blades

"and rubbed her perky breasts against Judi's back."

Perky? I'm loving whoever wrote that one. Yeah.

That's lovely. My perky breasts would be in

the bottom of her spine if they were not in a bra.

MEL LAUGHS

""Oh, yeah, faster," moaned Judi,

"as Coleen's hands slid expertly down her back.

"And then it was Coleen's turn.

""Do you want pleasure or pain?" Judi quizzed dangerously.

""I'm all yours, darling", said Coleen submissively.

""In that case, pleasure", Judi said,

"tickling her with the edge of the complementary hotel flannel."

Oh, I'm never going to use a flannel again in a hotel.

I was gonna say the word "flannel"... Flannel.

It's a bit flmmp. Yeah. Just, yeah.

"In that moment,

"Coleen wanted to be everywhere all at once.

"She was shocked by herself, but also felt empowered.

"It was a combination of pride and shock and she felt amazing."

Yay, women. Yay.

"If only Stacey could be here too."

Greedy, aren't I?

DOOR CLICKS OPEN

""Coleen?" whispered an unmistakable estuary drawl.

""What are you doing?" Coleen looked up, panicked.

""But you pinky promised me you would only be with me", sobbed Stacey."

Oh, we're getting a little bit EastEnders there.

We were.

""Excuse me, one itty bitty minute",

"a confused Judi exclaimed.

""Coleen, have you been with her tonight?"

"Coleen stood between them, wishing Stacey had arrived a couple

"of minutes later, so she could have finished."

Selfish bitch. MEL CHUCKLES

"No matter now. The gig was up. ""You can't have us both",

"Judi pouted, "Choose."

""Yes, choose, Col," blurted Stacey."

This is ramping up. Oh, my word.

Who's it gonna be, who's it going to be?

"Coleen looked from Stacey to Judi and back again.

PHONE BUZZES "Just then, her phone buzzed.

"She looked down.

"A group message flashed up - "Eager Beavers 2014."

"Ping, ping, ping as the group messages flooded in.

""Heard you were in town, Col, wanna have some fun?" from Lusardi.

"Reply from Vorders - "We're in the ballroom".

Whoa.

"Coleen looked at her phone

"and back up to her weekend paramours.

"Her old lovers making her new lovers old lovers in

"a matter of WhatsApp pings."

That's good. I like what they've done there.

Good little turn of phrase.

""Sorry, ladies, but if I can't have both of you,

""you can't have me."" MEL GASPS

""Now I've got three Loose lovers waiting for me,

""so I'll be seeing you", she cooed, turning on her heels.

""Unless you want to come too?" she added, before sauntering sexily

"off down the corridor.

"Judi and Stacey looked at each other and hesitated."

DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CRESCENDOS

"The end."

MEL LAUGHS Of my career.

When are you next in the Loose Women studio, Coleen?

I'm not going back.

I'm never going to be able to look at those girls again.

Also make sure you are never sat between Stacey on one side

and Judi on the other... Judi on the other.

..cos that will bring back all sorts of memories. Yep.

Sorry, my love. I have to vacate your seat,

Miriam Margolyes is waiting, so let's walk and talk. LAUGHING: Oh, my...

There's a sequel with the entire team of DIY SOS.

Bye. Lovely to see you. Bye! Bye.