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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
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It smells like fear.
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MEL GIEDROYC VOICEOVER: I've invited
six well-known faces...
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00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,400
Ready?
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00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,160
..to my very racy book club.
6
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,280
Oh.
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It is getting spicy.
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Making me sweat.
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Amateur writers have worked
with us...
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I can't read this!
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Wow.
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00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:38,720
I'm dressing up as a fireman?
13
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,560
MARTIN HOWLS
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00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,640
..to create mind-blowing fantasies...
15
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,480
Whoever wrote this is a G!
16
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:45,720
..of love...
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00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:46,800
Ugh!
18
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:47,880
Quite hot, isn't it?
19
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,240
..passionate liaisons...
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00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:50,560
I would never do that.
21
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,880
No!
22
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,520
..and unbridled lust.
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00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:55,600
Oh, no, there's a limit.
24
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,040
We've used puppets,
so you don't have to use...
25
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,760
Beavers forever!
26
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,280
..your imagination.
27
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:03,720
Oh, my God!
28
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,640
So join me for the rudest
book club in town.
29
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,800
I just can't accept
what I'm reading.
30
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,360
What a story!
31
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,080
And that was just page one.
32
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,680
Coleen Nolan, welcome...
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00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:26,160
Thank you. ..to my exclusive
book club.
34
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,760
We're here for this, Coleen Nolan.
35
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,880
There's a lovely group
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00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,040
of writers that have brewed
something very,
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00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,360
very special, for you, Ms Nolan.
38
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,120
Well, it's about time, Mel.
Isn't it?
39
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,920
It's taken years for that
to happen.
40
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:45,240
Do you ever read books with
a slightly saucy entendre?
41
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,120
Well, I mean, 50 Shades of Grey.
42
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,520
Oh. Read all three in about a week.
43
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:50,680
Did you? Oh, yes.
44
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,560
We all look innocent on
the outside, but inside,
45
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,720
a mucky mind.
WHISPERING: Particularly you, Coleen.
46
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,200
QUIETLY CHUCKLING: Yes, exactly.
47
00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,840
Don't you look at that, Coleen.
48
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:02,120
Did you just look at the page,
did you just look at page one?
49
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,800
I just saw the, what it was called.
50
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,080
And what's it called?
51
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,440
Eager Beavers.
MEL CHUCKLES
52
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,320
I'm sweating at the title.
53
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,200
COLEEN READS:
54
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,520
Do we just sit here
and read quietly like a library?
55
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,840
It would be good for the show
if we could read it aloud.
COLEEN CHUCKLES
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00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,240
Off we go, Coleen.
57
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:23,760
Right. I'm ready for you, come on.
58
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,240
"Sat on Blackpool beach..."
59
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,120
Oh, it couldn't be anywhere,
like, beautiful, could it?
60
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:30,160
Like Barbados or Bahamas?
61
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,240
"Sat on Blackpool beach,
62
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,520
"amongst the deck chairs
and donkeys,
63
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,120
"Coleen was thumbing through Tinder,
64
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,720
"hoping to find something
to distract her for the evening."
65
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,920
Can I just say,
does one thumb through Tinder?
66
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,680
Yes, regularly.
67
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,960
THEY LAUGH
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00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,160
""Too big." She swiped.
69
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,960
""Too small." She swiped.
70
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:55,000
""Too hairy," she said,
like a sexy over-45 Goldilocks.
71
00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:01,120
"It was day one of the Annual
Loose Women Summer Retreat...
COLEEN GIGGLES
72
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,160
"..an event she hadn't attended
since the infamous Lusardi,
73
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,360
"Klass and Vorders
foursome of 2014."
74
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,200
Hang on, that's
Linda Lusardi, Myleene...
75
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,680
Myleene Klass and Carol Vorderman.
WHISPERING: ..and Carol Vorderman.
76
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,520
Yes. Oh, nice, so we're
going back in time?
77
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,800
We're going back in time.
78
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:19,000
HARP GLISSANDOS
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00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:22,440
"All four of them had broken into
Blackpool's historic ballroom."
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00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,120
Wow.
COLEEN GASPS
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00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,800
"There on the spring-loaded floor,
82
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,280
"things had taken
an unexpected turn.
83
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,760
"Nolan hadn't been sure,
not at first,
84
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,680
"but as she watched Carol stroke,
85
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,600
"suck and seductively
squeeze Lusardi,
86
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,800
"then Klass, before carefully,
87
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,200
"cleverly kissing and caressing her,
88
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,240
"she had become
surer than sure."
89
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,280
I'm sleeping with my co-workers?
90
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,200
Yeah. It's the power of Vorders.
I would turn for Vorders.
COLEEN GIGGLES
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00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,680
Well, yeah, I guess so.
Do you call her Vorders?
92
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,320
No, I call her Carol.
THEY CHUCKLE
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00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,080
"The feeling was orgasmic.
94
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,120
"She had never experienced
the good love of
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00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,360
"a woman before
96
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,480
"and it was a fountain from which
she wanted to drink daily."
97
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,080
Oh, my God!
MEL CHUCKLES QUIETLY
98
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,680
Who is watching Loose Women
every day and imagining this?
99
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,800
Imagining us all and this going on.
100
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,400
WHISPERING: I think there might be
quite a few of them.
101
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:13,520
Do you? Yes.
102
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,840
Can we just categorically deny,
though, that that's ever happened?
103
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,440
It's fiction. Is it fiction? OK.
104
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,160
It's fiction. It's all fiction. OK.
105
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,400
It's making me a bit hot, you know.
106
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,360
"But with a Vorders veto on
a round two,
107
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,160
"she vowed never to return."
108
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,520
HARP GLISSANDOS
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00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,280
""Arrrrkkkkk", squawked a seagull,
110
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:33,880
"pulling her out of her fantasy."
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00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,320
It was slightly Janet Street-Porter.
112
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,920
IMITATING:It warrrkkk!
Hello! Mornin'!
THEY LAUGH QUIETLY
113
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,280
""What a night", she said
to nobody on the beach, sadly.
114
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,240
"If only they'd wanted
to continue.
115
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,040
"Another Tinder image slid
across her phone screen.
116
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,600
Ooh. "Oh, no, not what
I'm after tonight at all.
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00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,560
It's Vorders again.
THEY GIGGLE
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00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,520
"Coleen had arrived horny as hell,
119
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,640
"but Tinder wasn't tonight's
real target.
120
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,920
"The current crop of foxy females
on the Loose Women panel
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00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,800
"had Coleen spoilt for choice
122
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,760
"and as wet as the Irish Sea,
123
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,360
"which slammed against
Blackpool beach in
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00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:10,880
"the same way Coleen hoped
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00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:14,120
"to slam against some
fellow panellists."
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00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:15,760
I can't go back to work.
127
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,640
You'll go back with just
a bit of added spice.
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00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,960
Will I? You'll be looking at
McGiffin, going...
129
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,320
They'll be literally all looking
at me going,
130
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,000
"Why are you looking at me like
that?" And I'll go,
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00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,640
"You don't know what we did
last night."
MEL LAUGHS
132
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,880
"Coleen knew exactly who she wanted
this weekend.
133
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,080
"Not Janet.
134
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,920
"She'd heard she was
a champion nibbler,
135
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,200
"but she didn't stop talking.
136
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,360
"Not Ruth. Apparently she'd
always insist that Eamonn
watched on Facetime.
137
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,880
THEY LAUGH QUIETLY
138
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,800
The detail of Facetime
there is very,
139
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,400
very good, isn't it?
140
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:49,800
Page three and I'm
totally invested. Oh.
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00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,640
"Well, no. This weekend
would be all about Love...
142
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,400
"..and Solomon."
143
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,080
Judi and Stacey. Stacey. Excellent.
144
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,160
"As the sun set, etc,
145
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,640
"Coleen swiped some sand off
146
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:09,320
"the blue-chequered extra large
picnic blanket she'd just laid out.
147
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:13,720
Can I just say, a little bit lazy
there - "as the sun set, etc"?
148
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,920
Yeah, they couldn't, they couldn't
be arsed with that, could they?
149
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,240
Did they not want to set
the scene a bit more?
150
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,400
No. I'm a bit like that when
I read these things.
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00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:20,680
Will you just get to the point?
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00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,000
I'm not interested in how
the room was decorated.
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00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,120
MEL SIGHS
"Coleen had laid out
the picnic snacks,
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00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,880
"hoping her guests wouldn't spot
they were all aphrodisiacs."
MEL GASPS
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00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:33,000
"Oysters, artichoke balls,
strawberries,
156
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:37,280
"chocolate fingers
and a healthy crate of budget Cava.
157
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,400
Have you ever had any food that's
ever made you feel quite up for it?
158
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,600
Not being funny, cup of tea
and a biscuit and I'm anyone's.
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00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,520
LAUGHING: Really?
160
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,600
Depending on the biscuit.
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00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,720
A ginger nut wouldn't work for me.
162
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:50,960
I don't mind a ginger nut.
163
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,320
But a custard cream would.
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00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,200
Oh, really?
Cos there's something a bit fffmph.
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00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,520
Mwah.Just about that filling.
COLEEN LAUGHS
166
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:57,680
Do you know what I mean?
167
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,680
Yeah, you're all for the filling.
I'm all for the filling.
168
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,080
Yeah, I'm all for the taste.
MEL SNORTS
169
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:06,360
"Coleen heard the unmistakable
giggle of the girl from Dagenham.
170
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,120
""Oh, Coleen, this looks amazing,
I'm so excited..."
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00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,560
That's uncanny.
"..said Stacey excitedly.
MEL CHUCKLES
172
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,720
""Babes, this is sweet as.
You know what I'm saying",
173
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,240
"purred Judi Love,
following inches behind Stacey.
174
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,000
"Coleen was already aroused.
175
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,080
"Now she just had
to get them feeling fruity, too.
176
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,400
""Finger, anyone?" said Coleen,
177
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,800
"slyly offering the chocolate digit.
178
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,600
"Stacey giggled.
179
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,320
""Naughty, naughty,
Col, but don't mind if I do."
180
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,720
"Coleen slurped down an oyster.
181
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,120
"It didn't go unnoticed by Stacey.
182
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,360
""Good", thought Coleen,
183
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,800
""The finger has already
started working."
THEY LAUGH QUIETLY
184
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,840
I mean, it's so my humour.
185
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,320
""Fancy a strawberry?" said Coleen
to Judi seductively,
186
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,120
"leaning forward and
plopping it in her mouth."
187
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,240
No. It's not that, is it?
188
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,240
That's good, no.
No, it's plopping,
189
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,720
I was plopping it in my own mouth.
190
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,320
Plopping HER strawberry...
In my mouth.
191
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,920
..into your mouth.
Yeah, let's get it right.
REWINDING SOUND EFFECT
192
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,840
"Before plopping it into her
own mouth."
193
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,520
How do we feel about plopping?
194
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,160
Plopping's not the most
sexiest of words, is it?
195
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,680
Plopping, to me... Is toilet areas.
196
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:18,760
It is. Yeah, yeah.
197
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:19,800
No getting away from it.
198
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,160
It's floaters, it's...
199
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:24,920
COLEEN LAUGHS
Isn't it? It's U-bend, slightly.
200
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,560
""One of my artichokes, perhaps?"
201
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,080
"Coleen asked with her
sexiest smile.
202
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,760
""I have always been able
to handle a set of balls, ha!",
203
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,400
"bellowed Judi with
a suggestive wink.
204
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,760
"It was all the signals Coleen
needed. The night was on."
205
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,000
Aaah. Can I just say, Coleen? Yes?
206
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,840
How do you make an artichoke ball?
207
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,680
You're really,
really getting involved
208
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,200
in the wrong bits of this story.
209
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,400
In the snacks, I'm sorry. I mean,
you're missing the point here.
210
00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:52,120
For me it's all about
the snacks, Coleen.
211
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,720
Sorry, my love, sorry.
Oh, this is, this is to the reader.
212
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,080
OK.
213
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,480
COLEEN READING:
214
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,480
"I've taken poetic licence
215
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,680
"because I myself have never been
involved in a menage a trois,
216
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,120
"which is French for threesome...
MEL SNORTS
217
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,640
"..yet, LOL. I hope you enjoy it.
218
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,960
""Oh, my," squealed Stacey,
219
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,040
"as Coleen dived on her,
just as she'd seen
220
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,760
"the lifeguard diving into
the sea that afternoon.
221
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:23,040
"But instead of finding Stacey's
floatation aids" -
222
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,760
breasts, in brackets -
223
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,080
"Coleen found Judi's."
COLEEN GASPS
224
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,160
"The brunette songstress
began to leave
225
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,800
"a trail of soft kisses
along Judi's skin.
226
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,200
MEL WOLF WHISTLES
It's moving fast now,
227
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,160
we're moving into new territory.
228
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,400
""I like it soft", purred Judi.
229
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:44,280
""Like I'm being massaged by one
of them angora rabbits.""
230
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,200
Who gets massaged by
an angora rabbit?
231
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,920
Was it, an angora rabbit
is one of those...
232
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,040
One of them big furry things.
233
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,560
Real, real big ones.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
234
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:51,760
Does Judi keep rabbits, do we know?
235
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,320
No, not that I know of.
Is she interested?
236
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,440
"Coleen reached out
and stroked Judi's neck
237
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:56,800
"with the back of her hand,
238
00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:00,040
"starting from the top
and going down low into her cleavage
239
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,400
"and trying to feel as much like
an angora rabbit as she could."
240
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:06,600
THEY LAUGH
God.
241
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,800
"Coleen pulled an aroused
Stacey into their clinch
242
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,960
"and Judi's lips collided
with Stacey's,
243
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,560
"before they both descended onto
Coleen's lovely beacons.
244
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,080
MEL LAUGHS
LAUGHING: "It felt simply marvellous.
245
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,120
Suddenly quite Enid Blyton.
246
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,160
COLEEN CHUCKLES
IN RP ACCENT: "It felt
simply marvellous."
247
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:30,200
"Abrasive sand and exposed
orifices were no ballroom floor,
248
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,840
"but no matter.
This was too much fun."
MEL CACKLES
249
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,000
"The air was alive with
mouths, breasts,
250
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,560
"legs and lady gardens, all seeking
and finding each other."
251
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,240
"Lady gardens"? Come on.
252
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,520
Front bottom? No. No.
253
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,000
But then I don't want to just go...
254
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,240
WHISPERING: .."vagina".
255
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,080
That's a bit...
No, you're like me.
256
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,200
It's a bit biology. I'd rather say
all those other things than...
257
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,440
I know. And we can't even
say it out loud.
258
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,080
No. It's like...
259
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,920
What was that? WHISPERING: Penis.
260
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,600
WHISPERING: Oh, penis. No.
261
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,320
It's our upbringing, Coleen.
Yeah, it is.
262
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,640
But anyway, back to this.
263
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:06,080
Oh. "Her mouth hung open like
a paused sex doll for
264
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,560
"a moment."
265
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,280
That's what I'm thinking.
266
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,360
That's too surprised.
267
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,280
The eyes have to be deader.
268
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,720
Yeah. Yeah.
269
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:20,080
"Coleen Nolan had simply
never felt more alive,
270
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,640
"except of course that last time,
all those years ago.
271
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,560
"They each had one more
enormous volcano
272
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,280
"of internal flickering pleasure,
273
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,560
"before they lay back on
the cool sand
274
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,280
"and looked at the increasingly
light Blackpool sky."
275
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,880
I'm never going back,
just so you know. Not even going.
276
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,560
What, back to Blackpool
or to Loose...
277
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,080
Back to Loose.
I'll go back to Blackpool.
278
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:42,680
I've done loads
of things under those piers.
279
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,320
That's another story.
280
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,480
"They would have to head back to
the hotel soon, before
281
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,000
"the holidaymakers swarmed
the beach.
282
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,880
""So babes, that was fun, yeah,
283
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:54,120
"but I think we best pretend this
never happened, right?"
284
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,320
"Judi let the question hang
as loosely
285
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,080
"and enticingly as her breasts.
286
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,440
""Totally", agreed Stacey.
287
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,200
""I mean, that was fun,
like, really fun,
288
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:06,320
""but I think it's made me realise
I'm definitely a one woman gal."
289
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,360
MINOR PIANO CHORDS PLAY
290
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,640
"Coleen's libido shattered like
a bus shelter."
291
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,520
BOTH: Wow.
292
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,240
Has your libido ever shattered
like a bus shelter?
293
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:17,520
Mine has.
294
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,080
As in, it's gone?
295
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,120
It's gone after three minutes.
296
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,920
You've got three minutes with me
and then I'm done. I get bored.
297
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:27,240
Do you? Yeah. My libido just goes,
"D'you know what? Soap's back on."
298
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,080
""I know what you mean Stace.
299
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:33,960
""Two is too much of the good spice
to handle," nodded Judi.
300
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,600
"Coleen eyed each of them.
301
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,480
"This was not what she wanted,
but before she knew it,
302
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,200
"she found herself agreeing
out loud.
303
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:44,560
""OK, yeah, of course, you're
right", Coleen stuttered,
304
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,400
"sadness seeping out of her face.
305
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,600
""Last night is
all this can ever be.
306
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:52,840
""Agreed?" said Judi firmly.
"Let's pinky swear",
307
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,960
"said Stacey. "Pinky swear",
said Coleen,
308
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,280
"deflated, as the three women
locked fingers.
309
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,600
Hang on, you've got to be a bit
more deflated there, Coleen, sorry.
310
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:01,960
OK.
311
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,720
RELUCTANTLY, SIGHING:
""Pinky swear..."
312
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:04,960
That's good. Is that good?
313
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,200
Yeah.
314
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,640
"..said Coleen, deflated,
as the three women locked fingers.
315
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,560
PIANO CHORDS GROW MORE DRAMATIC
316
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,480
"Coleen already knew it would be
agony to never be
317
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:17,520
"the jam in that delicious
Victoria sponge again."
318
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,600
MEL CHUCKLES
"The night was over."
319
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,320
Wow. "But Coleen was not done.
320
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:23,960
"This couldn't end.
321
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,720
"Like Jurassic Park,
she'd find a way."
322
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,040
Wow. I'm starting to like me in this.
323
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:34,600
I'm liking that I don't care. Mm.
324
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,120
Here's to not caring,
my friend.
325
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,480
Here's to not caring.
326
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,880
Cheers. Cheers.
327
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:44,720
"But what to do?
328
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:46,680
""Where's the fire, ma'am?"
329
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,520
"Or WHO to do?"
330
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,320
Well, listen. Cheers, me dear.
331
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,960
Cheers. So, we're on
Blackpool beach,
332
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,800
things have got kind of saucy
with the LW colleagues.
333
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,600
Mm, apparently I'm going to find
a way to make it happen.
334
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:14,560
Read on, Macduff.
335
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,720
"Coleen looked out her hotel
room window,
336
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,680
"and despite her best efforts
to stop,
337
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:19,880
"her mind kept straying to
338
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,600
"the previous night
of delicious flesh.
339
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,600
"Coleen felt herself ready
to explode."
340
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,400
You've exploded
a lot in this already, haven't you?
341
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:33,320
I'm exploding left,
right and centre, like a grenade.
342
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:37,120
"Just as her little daydream began
to moisten her silk draws..."
343
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:42,040
I think they might have spelt wrong
cos they've put D-R-A-W-S. W-S, yeah.
344
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:45,000
Shouldn't it be drawer?
Or is it draws?
345
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,640
I don't know. Is it important?
346
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,600
No. By the look you're giving me,
it really isn't important.
347
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,320
No. I'm just so glad
348
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,600
I didn't read 50 Shades
with you next to me.
MEL LAUGHS
349
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:59,200
"Ping, ping!
Coleen's phone pinged twice.
350
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,400
"Coleen read out
the first message.
351
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,760
"Stacey - ""Listen, gorgeous gal,
352
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,520
""you are the sweetest thing in
the entire universe.
353
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,840
""I lied on the beach.
The only reason I pinky swore,
354
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,360
""right, was because I want you
all to myself.
355
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,360
""Judi is fab, but I couldn't
share you with anyone.
356
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,880
""I don't know if you feel
the same way too, but if you do,
357
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,480
""come to my room 307,
tonight, yeah?"
358
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,760
""My, my", she said aloud.
Things WERE looking up.
359
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:26,880
It's a long message.
360
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,320
It's a long text message.
Very long.
361
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,120
Better in a voice note,
to be honest.
362
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,880
Much better in a voice note.
Doing that.
363
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,880
It's a lot of thumbing.
A lot of thumbing.
364
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:35,920
Carry on.
365
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,680
"Then Coleen turned to
the other message,
366
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,640
"from Judi - "Babes, like, that
was intensely intense
367
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,040
""last night, right?
But I'm not gonna lie,
368
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,760
""I had a sly little plan
for our pinky swear.
369
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,400
""I couldn't stand sharing you
with Stace, man.
370
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:54,120
""Why don't you come to
my little pad, room 311, later?
371
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,680
""Big love, babes."
That's two doors down.
372
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:56,880
They're very close to
each other.
373
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:58,400
Crucially, not next door.
374
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,840
No, but... I'm thinking Vorders
might be in 309.
375
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,200
Ah, I hope she doesn't text me as
well, I can't cope with this.
376
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,560
"It was the worst -
and it was the best -
377
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,400
"two messages a horny Loose Woman
could ever receive.
378
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:15,440
"But what to do?
Or should that be WHO to do?
379
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:20,640
"Judi or Stacey? Or,
she suddenly had a thought.
380
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:24,720
""Both," she whispered to herself.
Dare I?
381
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,360
MEL GASPS
What are you gonna do, Coleen?
382
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,320
What am I gonna do?
I'm excited to read on.
383
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,720
I'm getting into this now,
and I'm getting good.
384
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,800
""Yes", she answered herself,
385
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,640
"Coleen wanted to have her cake
and eat everyone else's."
386
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,880
If you start talking
about cake now...
387
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:41,600
What is your favourite cake?
Madeira.
388
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,760
Oh, I like... A bit dry.
I like Madeira, a bit dry.
389
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,400
We don't like dry cake in here.
390
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,880
No, there's no room for dry cake
in here. No, no dry cake in here.
391
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,560
Bit of red velvet, though. Oooh.
392
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:50,800
Mm.
393
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,280
""All I need to do is make sure
394
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,840
""neither of them finds out about
the other," purred Coleen,
395
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,880
"slipping her keycard into her
breast pocket and exiting her room.
396
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,160
"Coleen scuttled along
the corridor like a nervous crab."
397
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,760
MEL GASPS
How does a nervous crab scuttle?
398
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,160
It would be...
399
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,440
Yeah. Oh, no,
it would be sideways, wouldn't it?
400
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,920
Sideways?Yeah, you beat...
THEY LAUGH
401
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:16,480
That's one of your early Nolan
Sisters manoeuvres right there. Yep.
402
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,360
# I'm in the mood for dancing... #
COLEEN LAUGHS
403
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,160
One of the best tunes,
can I just say that?
404
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,320
Thank you. I can say that.
Thank you. Sorry. Good.
405
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:27,560
"Her mind was racing with what
Stacey might have in store for her.
406
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,600
"Opening the door to Stacey's room,
407
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,440
"Coleen found her sitting on
the unmade bed.
408
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:37,400
"The woman was a bombshell,
the room was a bomb site.
409
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,000
""No tat to tidy here, Stace?"
410
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,520
""I went wild without you",
Stacey said, as she pushed a silky,
411
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:47,640
"ribbony fireman's outfit across
the bed towards Coleen."
412
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,920
I'm dressing up as a fireman?
Why a fireman?
413
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:54,480
But it's a silky, ribbony
one. Lovely. Ugh.
414
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,240
""Put this on now",
she ordered,
415
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,080
"sultry and authoritative,
416
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,600
"like a sexy corporal.
417
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:03,000
"With a thrill of erotic excitement,
418
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:07,040
"Coleen slipped slinkily on
the silky, ribbony fireman costume.
419
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:11,040
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: ""Where's the
fire, ma'am?" Coleen stated."
420
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,480
You've gone American, Coleen.
Well, because it's written like, I,
421
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,160
I can't do it in an English,
IN ENGLISH ACCENT:
"Where's the fire, ma'am?"
422
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,240
It's just not as sexy, is it?
423
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,800
That southern drawl was quite,
IMITATING ACCENT: "Where's
the fire, ma'am?"
424
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,640
""Where's the fire,
ma'am?" Coleen stated,
425
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:27,960
"enjoying the ribbony braces
softly brushing against her nips."
426
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,280
This is the most bizarre thing
I've ever done.
MEL CHUCKLES
427
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,720
"Wanting to be a good fireman,
she found a hose,
428
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,800
"a hoover hose, and turning it on,
429
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:42,600
"attached the nozzle
to Stacey's sensational breasts.
430
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,000
THEY LAUGH
431
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,520
That's like pulling
a baby out, though,
432
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,320
isn't it, that's quite strong,
isn't it?
433
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,360
Pfff. But it's also not sexy,
is it?
434
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,360
No. The hoover stuck to
the end of your boob.
435
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,320
""Your turn" and with that,
Stacey pounced.
436
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:02,840
SWEEPING ROMANTIC STRINGS SOAR
437
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,520
"Tonight was a kaleidoscope
of labia,
438
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,360
"fingers and nuzzling noses
all vying for attention.
439
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,240
"And then the two women climaxed,
440
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:16,560
"backlit by the Lancashire sunset
in the window.
441
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:20,720
""I want you, all of you,
and only you", said Coleen.
442
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:25,760
""Promise?" Stacey said.
""Y y-yes", Coleen stammered,
443
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,680
"her pinky burning with
the deceit it felt."
444
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,560
When it says your pinky...
Cos they pinky promised.
445
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,200
Cos they, oh, I see.
Cos they did the old...
446
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:33,720
She's going against it,
so it's on fire, isn't it?
447
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,320
Cos she's lying. Yeah. Good, got it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.
448
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:38,200
"Coleen's phone buzzed in
the breast pocket
449
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,680
"of her silk fireman's jacket."
450
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,760
DRAMATIC BRASS BLARES
PHONE BUZZES
451
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:42,800
"It was Judi.
452
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,440
COLEEN READING:
453
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:50,240
""Who, is it?" murmured Stacey.
""Tell 'em to do one. You're busy."
454
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,800
""Sorry, sweetie, it's Mark Owen,
I have to answer.
455
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,280
""Let's pick this up later.
Bye-ee!"
456
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,920
Oh, my, suddenly we've got
a member of Take That in there.
457
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,520
She's just making an excuse
of who she's on the phone to.
458
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,000
Oh... Will you read it properly?!
Concentrate.
459
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,080
Concentrate. Sorry.
460
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,440
I bet you were a nightmare
at school.
461
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,480
"She grabbed her clothes and fled,
462
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,320
"coming out of the bedroom like
a greyhound out of a trap.
463
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,960
"Coleen knocked on the door
to Judi's room..."
KNOCKING ON DOOR
464
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,960
"..and it swung open before her.
465
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,600
"Forbidden fruit tasted
the sweetest.
466
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,640
""But Stacey can't find out",
she reminded herself.
467
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,680
""Hi, you must be
the masseuse I ordered?"
468
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,520
"Judi whispered in a very deep,
husky voice.
469
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,520
"Coleen purred, "Prrrrrrrr."
470
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,760
I can't purr. Prr, I can't purr.
471
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,120
Can you not do it?
Roll your tongue.
472
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,720
HALF ROLLING: Prrrr.
PERFECT ROLLING: Prrrrr.
473
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,880
But, no. Prrrrr.
474
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,760
FALTERINGLY:Pruhuh, prrrr.
MEL LAUGHS
475
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,120
"Coleen purred."
476
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,840
Prrrr.
477
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,000
"On the bed she saw her uniform.
478
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,840
"Not a masseuse outfit,
but a policeman's."
479
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,520
Another member of
the emergency services.
480
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:56,720
Yes.
481
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,160
Presumably at some point you're
gonna have an ambulance as well.
482
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:00,880
Oh, definitely.
Let's prepare for that. Paramedic.
483
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,480
""You haven't told Stace about this,
have you, babe?
484
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,120
""This will only work if it's just
me and you, babes.
485
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:08,640
""That's the deal, yeah?"
486
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,480
""Judi, love,
I've only got eyes for you",
487
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,160
"said Coleen, pinky now searing.
488
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,400
""Now relax,
you feel very tense."
489
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,560
"Coleen pushed her thumbs into
Judi's shoulder blades
490
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,920
"and rubbed her perky
breasts against Judi's back."
491
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,440
Perky? I'm loving whoever
wrote that one. Yeah.
492
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,640
That's lovely.
My perky breasts would be in
493
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,320
the bottom of her spine
if they were not in a bra.
494
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,360
MEL LAUGHS
495
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,160
""Oh, yeah, faster,"
moaned Judi,
496
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,080
"as Coleen's hands slid
expertly down her back.
497
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,720
"And then it was Coleen's turn.
498
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,440
""Do you want pleasure or pain?"
Judi quizzed dangerously.
499
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,400
""I'm all yours, darling",
said Coleen submissively.
500
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,880
""In that case, pleasure",
Judi said,
501
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,120
"tickling her with the edge of
the complementary hotel flannel."
502
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,640
Oh, I'm never going to use
a flannel again in a hotel.
503
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,240
I was gonna say the word "flannel"...
Flannel.
504
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,720
It's a bit flmmp. Yeah.
Just, yeah.
505
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:06,000
"In that moment,
506
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,320
"Coleen wanted to be everywhere
all at once.
507
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,840
"She was shocked by herself,
but also felt empowered.
508
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,560
"It was a combination of pride
and shock and she felt amazing."
509
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,600
Yay, women. Yay.
510
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,040
"If only Stacey could be here too."
511
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:24,920
Greedy, aren't I?
512
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,120
DOOR CLICKS OPEN
513
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,680
""Coleen?" whispered
an unmistakable estuary drawl.
514
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,680
""What are you doing?"
Coleen looked up, panicked.
515
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:40,160
""But you pinky promised me
you would only be with me",
sobbed Stacey."
516
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,920
Oh, we're getting
a little bit EastEnders there.
517
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,320
We were.
518
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,680
""Excuse me, one itty bitty minute",
519
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,360
"a confused Judi exclaimed.
520
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,280
""Coleen, have you been
with her tonight?"
521
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,040
"Coleen stood between them,
wishing Stacey had arrived a couple
522
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,440
"of minutes later,
so she could have finished."
523
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,960
Selfish bitch.
MEL CHUCKLES
524
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,560
"No matter now. The gig was up.
""You can't have us both",
525
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,520
"Judi pouted, "Choose."
526
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,800
""Yes, choose, Col,"
blurted Stacey."
527
00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:09,240
This is ramping up.
Oh, my word.
528
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:10,760
Who's it gonna be,
who's it going to be?
529
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:14,280
"Coleen looked from Stacey
to Judi and back again.
530
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,080
PHONE BUZZES
"Just then, her phone buzzed.
531
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:20,200
"She looked down.
532
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:25,600
"A group message flashed up -
"Eager Beavers 2014."
533
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,280
"Ping, ping, ping as
the group messages flooded in.
534
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:33,520
""Heard you were in town, Col,
wanna have some fun?" from Lusardi.
535
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:36,360
"Reply from Vorders -
"We're in the ballroom".
536
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:37,400
Whoa.
537
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:38,440
"Coleen looked at her phone
538
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,800
"and back up to her
weekend paramours.
539
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,920
"Her old lovers making her new
lovers old lovers in
540
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,880
"a matter of WhatsApp pings."
541
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:47,320
That's good.
I like what they've done there.
542
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,000
Good little turn of phrase.
543
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,760
""Sorry, ladies, but if
I can't have both of you,
544
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,560
""you can't have me.""
MEL GASPS
545
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,920
""Now I've got three Loose lovers
waiting for me,
546
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:59,160
""so I'll be seeing you",
she cooed, turning on her heels.
547
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:03,760
""Unless you want to come too?"
she added, before sauntering sexily
548
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,600
"off down the corridor.
549
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:12,280
"Judi and Stacey looked at
each other and hesitated."
550
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,800
DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CRESCENDOS
551
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,520
"The end."
552
00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:20,280
MEL LAUGHS
Of my career.
553
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,040
When are you next in
the Loose Women studio, Coleen?
554
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,200
I'm not going back.
555
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,360
I'm never going to be able
to look at those girls again.
556
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:29,480
Also make sure you are never sat
between Stacey on one side
557
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:30,760
and Judi on the other...
Judi on the other.
558
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,400
..cos that will bring back
all sorts of memories. Yep.
559
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,080
Sorry, my love.
I have to vacate your seat,
560
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:38,000
Miriam Margolyes is waiting,
so let's walk and talk.
LAUGHING: Oh, my...
561
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,320
There's a sequel with
the entire team of DIY SOS.
562
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:44,040
Bye. Lovely to see you.
Bye! Bye.
44749
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