Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

It smells like fear.

I've invited six well-known faces...

Ready?

..to my very racy book club.

Oh...!

It is getting spicy.

Making me sweat.

Amateur writers have worked with us...

I can't read this!

Wow.

I'm dressing up as a fireman?

Howl!

..to create mind-blowing fantasies...

Whoever wrote this is a G!

..of love...

Ugh!

Quite hot, isn't it?

..passionate liaisons....

I would never do that.

No!

..and unbridled lust.

Oh, no.

There's a limit.

We've used puppets, so you don't have to use...

Beavers for ever!

..your imagination.

Oh, my God!

So, join me for the rudest book club in town.

I just can't accept what I'm reading.

What a story!

And that was just page one.

Melvin Odoom, welcome to book club.

This is very posh. I'm liking it.

No expense spared for Melvin Odoom. Mm.

Bit difficult to get hold of.

They're slippery little badgers. But there we go.

Thank you very much. You are so welcome.

Shall I wait for you to do yours before we cheers? Yeah.

Always look in the eyes. Bad luck.

Ten years' bad sex. Bad sex. No-one wants that.

I didn't even know that! Yeah.

You'll probably be calling A&E after I've had that. Just to warn you.

OK. Is that enough for you? It's quite a lot.

And cheers. Cheers.

Yeah.

Right, come on, Mel. Yes. Come on.

There you go, that's for you. Thank you.

I've never read this either.

Lord only knows.

What is going on?!

Who knows? OK.

Before you go on, I should explain.

Some of these scenes will be re-enacted by puppets.

OK. Yeah? Working hard, getting into character.

So, is there a puppet that looks like me, then? There will be.

Can't wait for this.

Chapter One.

The Only Way Is...Es-sex?

Yeah? And they've split up the word "Essex" there.

Do you watch TOWIE? Sometimes.

Big fan of Gemma Collins. Yeah, she's amazing.

So, shall I start? Go for it, my love.

OK. So, Melvin lay there, on a heart-shaped bed.

Have they been in my house?

A cool breeze coming in through the window,

making the nipples on his reasonably well-defined chest

stand to attention,

like two puppies who had just heard the word "walkies!"

Wow, that is a powerful paragraph right there.

We've got nipples in the first paragraph. Yep.

Straight in there with the nips.

He took a moment to reflect on how he'd got to this moment

in his life, this bed at this time...

..with Gemma Collins!

Sat on his face just moments earlier.

MELVIN LAUGHS

You mentioned that you liked Gemma Collins. Yeah.

Have you ever thought of her in this way, or in this geographical...?

Not sitting on my face.

I don't think anyone's ever sat on my face before.

Geographically hard to plant it, isn't it?

Can you breathe?

Who knows?

We need to experiment more, Mel. That's what we're learning here.

Yeah, no, we do. We've... we've made that very clear.

No-one's sat on either of our faces, and it needs to happen soon.

Ahem.

"Babe, you were down there so long my vajazzle is all over the place.

"Give us a call when you're next in Essex, yeah?"

That's a great impression.

Is that all right? Very good.

"You know I will," he said, whilst removing one of Gemma's crystals

from his teeth.

"I'm serious. Call me before you call any of your other girls.

"I want first dibs," GC spat out.

And that was just page one.

We're straight in. Exactly.

"Aren't you being well jel, Gem?

"You know I've got room in my bed for all of you," Melvin retorted.

And with that happy thought, Melvin shut the GC's door behind him.

The world may not have realised he was radio's most rampant

love machine, but he knew it,

and that was all that mattered.

"Radio's most rampant love machine." Mm.

How many other love machines do we know?

Steve Wright?

The Stamina Daddy apparently is his nickname.

MEL LAUGHS

Outside, he opened up his phone.

The last message remained unread...

..along with the 50 previous ones.

His brain screamed at him to let it go.

But his fingers flew like a squadron of Red Arrows to the keyboard.

"Please talk to me." Send.

Desperate.

Play it cool, bruv.

He looked down again at the message, unread.

The desperation of waiting for the ticks to turn blue.

The deep sea blue that matched his former lover's eyes was unbearable.

It's very poetic. This is nice, isn't it?

But we don't quite yet know who you're...

Who have I sent it to? Well...

And it's somebody with deep sea blue eyes. Blue eyes.

Oh, it's not going to be Amy Childs.

She's got... I think she's got brown eyes. Yeah.

Lauren Pope? Could be. Yeah?

Let's hope so.

Chapter Two.

A New Day, A New Hook Up.

This is... What is this?!

OK.

Tonight had been all about love.

Judi Love, to be precise.

And, boy, had it been some sweet, sweet lovin'!

All right, first of all, we love Judi Love. I know.

She the best heart. Yeah.

The best energy. She is amazing.

And I think she'd be a great lover, Judi Love.

I mean, her name says it all.

He nibbled one breast, and then the other,

before kissing her like a panther on heat.

It is getting spicy.

It's super spice.

Judi smiled like the cat that got the full cream.

Is that filth?

You're reading too much into this, Melv. Maybe, yeah.

But, yeah, it is. I bet it is!

"Don't forget your pants Melv," Judi purred.

Rrrr!

"I swear, Judi, if you've hidden them again..."

"You know me, babes.

"Would I ever?" she said with a cheeky smile?

God, she was a sexy woman, he thought to himself,

before remembering how sexy he was too.

MEL LAUGHS

And with that, he headed for the door.

Have you ever had that thought, Melvin, where you just think...?

What, that I'm a sexy guy?

"Dang, I'm sexy!" Erm...

I would never say it out loud. Yeah.

But I think you've got to back yourself, though. You do.

I'm proud of myself after the lovemaking.

Ah, OK. Yeah.

But sometimes I'll go to the bathroom and say to the mirror,

WHISPERING: "Well done, Melv."

Yeah.

Outside, his smirk disappeared.

51 unread messages.

He felt drained and empty.

That's sad.

"Let's make it 52," he growled loudly.

So, this is 51 messages that I've sent?

That aren't being read.

That's...that's rude. Really rude.

"You need me. I don't need you,"

he slammed out angrily into the keyboard.

Wow.

A string of tears blanching the edge of his eyelids.

I feel sorry for you, Melvs.

I feel sorry for me.

Chapter Three.

Balls, Ballads and Bad Boys.

Nice.

Backstage at the BRIT awards...

Lovely. I love this idea that this is where we are now.

Backstage at the BRIT awards!

Have you been to the Brits? No, I haven't.

Ever?!

Sue and I were invited, back in the '90s.

Oh, right. When we were hot.

You're still hot. Oh...!

In his own luxury dressing room,

Melvin's thigh-skimming kimono was only loosely tied.

Would you ever wear a little kimono?

I would love that. Would you?

I think it's sexy.

Definitely.

He was nervous.

His backstage rider of kenkey and fried fish

with a side of kelewele...

..remained uneaten!

Whoever wrote this is a G!

This is a delicacy in Ghana right now.

Tonight was the biggest gig of Melvin's life,

only bettered by his seven days, 17 hours

and six minutes on Strictly.

Absolute liberty, who's written this!

It's too soon!

It was only four years ago!

But, listen, can I just refer you... to the Christmas special?

Yeah...

I say to my friends... Which you won.

I won the Christmas special, and they go, "Melvin, it doesn't count."

Oh!

But you were robbed.

I WAS robbed. You were ruddy robbed, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He looked at the unread messages on his phone.

Tonight he would come face-to-face with the one that got away,

the one that got him the gig.

So, it's definitely a big star of some kind.

Grr!

He hated the one that got away.

Except, really, they weren't the one that got away.

They were the one that toyed with his heart,

turned it around and spat it out.

Wow.

"Fuck you, Ed!"

..he howled into the room.

Ed? Where's... Who?

Fuck you, Ed? Ed?

Who's Ed? Ed...

Ed the duck?

Ed Gamble, the comedian? Oh, yeah.

Ed Balls.

Hang on... No!

Look at who's at the top of page nine. Oh, OK.

"Oh, how I fucking hate you, Ed Sheeran."

You know what, I mean, I've been into gingers before.

Are you in love with his body?

Very good.

I'm in love with his music.

So, yeah, I suppose I do love Ed.

So, let's see.

This is sexy. Yeah, man.

"How I fucking hate you, Ed Sheeran," he screamed into

the void of his dressing room ceiling,

just as Ed Sheeran stumbled though his doorway,

trouser fly open, sans boxers.

Standard Sheeran.

Melvin stood up, his short kimono flew open...

..and his pump burst free.

Is the pump your...?

I would assume.

He didn't care.

Ed had seen his glorious naked body before...!

MELVIN LAUGHS

Imagine Ed reading this!

Oh, my God.

The two men looked at each other.

"You." "You."

..they said in unison.

Wow.

So, Ed Sheeran... Something's happened before.

I need a drink. OK, let's have a little top-up.

It's like a roller-coaster, this. Yeah.

# I'm in love with the shape of you... #

Anywhere there's a ginger hair...

..I want you there!

Listen, part one, a lot happened.

And now, suddenly, Ed ruddy Sheeran has come into play. To play.

So, according to this, he's an ex. Yeah.

He broke your heart, by the sounds of it. We're about to find out.

Shall we carry on? Let's carry on, Melv. OK, cool.

Yeah, let's carry on.

When Ed Sheeran first walked into his life,

he had been confused, to say the least.

Ed had been promoting his new tour on Melvin's radio show.

The sexual tension between the two was instant.

MEL LAUGHS

As Melvin rode the faders,

he wished he was riding Ed up and down.

Up and down.

This is...erotic.

At least the mixing desk was hiding his engorged pump.

This word, "pump"... Exactly. ..that keeps coming up.

How do you feel about that? There's so many names.

Come on, give me some. Like, "the piece". The Ghana banana.

Wow.

But I've never called it a "pump" before.

I did have a nickname called One Pump Melv, though.

Oh...

It was a bad night, yeah.

One pump? Yeah, I didn't last very long.

Oh. Wow.

And as soon as Melvin had signed off,

Ed soothingly hummed into the microphone.,

"My place, lover boy."

MEL LAUGHS

"The really central London hotel, after 8:00."

So, he hummed it, he sort of made it into a song?

# My place, lover boy

# The really central London hotel. #

WHISPERING: "After 8:00."

Chapter Four.

Outside Ed's Hotel.

Under Ed's balcony, Melvin's iPhone 10 struck 8:00,

and he knew he was entering dangerous territory.

"Play it cool, Mel. Play it cool."

He picked up the ukulele he'd borrowed from his nephew,

took a deep breath,

and sang.

# I'm in love with the shape of you... #

His voice came out croaky and unsteady.

He was nervous.

# We push and pull like a magnet do... #

He warbled with a voice as tuneless as a 20 strong

hen do at a silent disco.

Now, that's a party.

Ed Sheeran walked on to his balcony

to listen to Melvin Odoom serenade him.

Surely, Ed should be the one singing to me?

Maybe he will, Melv.

Have a little bit of patience. Yeah.

Let's see what happens. No patience.

That's why I got the name, One Pump Melv.

Oh. Yeah.

"Wait there!" Ed shouted.

In a moment, Ed was running towards Melvin,

barefoot on the grass,

with his firm, rusty rod... flapping in the wind.

Rusty rod?

Rusty rod's not good, is it?

Are they suggesting... what, his ginger pubes?

It's not a good image is it, a rusty rod?

Rusty rod?!

"I've never heard my song sung like that," Ed said,

sensually taking the ukulele from Melvin.

Melvin was in familiar territory now,

or so he had thought.

Grabbing hold of Ed by the waist...

MELVIN LAUGHS

..he leant in slowly and tenderly.

But Ed was eager.

He launched at Melvin's face, slamming their mouths together

in a passionate fury.

This is...!

Tongue tickled tongue, as Ed's fingers slithered around...

..Melvin's man pipe?

O...K.

Man pipe?

Phew, this is... I tell you what.

I'm worried that Ed's going to start playing your man pipe.

Possibly.

Is it an instrument of music? We'll find out.

It's like 50 shades of black at the moment.

Melvin tried not to feel the sensations running through

his throbbing groin, as they frenchied under the moonlight.

"Anywhere there's ginger hair,

"I want you there."

MELVIN LAUGHS

..Ed said with an assertiveness

that made Melvin tremble to his knees.

Ed's kind of in charge here, isn't he? He IS in charge.

Come on, Melv, you've got to take back a bit of control.

I don't think I have any control when it comes to this story.

Melvin fell to his knees.

Ed's ginger pubes tickling Melvin's nose

as he engulfed his entire sausage.

Mel! I mean...

Unable to breathe, not wanting to stop...

I need a drink.

Have a sip of that for me.

Gradually, he moved towards his ginger nuts,

as sweet as any biscuit Melvin had ever eaten.

Do you like a ginger nut?

I do like a ginger nut, I do. Delicious.

Digestive's nice, as well. Yeah.

Good for dunking.

Yeah...

A hedonistic and unadulterated five and a half days followed,

in which Melvin only had eyes for one lover.

Five and a half days, wow.

Do you take breaks?

You'd absolutely have to. Yeah.

Would you have any more liquid inside you?

I don't know. The chafing would be intense.

Until it was time for Ed to go on tour.

Oh..

Oh. So, Ed's leaving me now? That's quite sad.

So, am I just a...a fling?

Melvin waved him off on the very hotel grass

where their members had first moulded together.

His first tentative message to Ed was eager.

"I miss you, my golden cherub. Miss me?"

He heard nothing. Oh...

"Thinking of you, you ginger overlord."

Followed the next day.

Ginger overlord? Nothing!

Ginger overlord is excellent. That is great.

Day after day, nothing.

Melvin, player of players, had been played.

I feel cross with Ed at this point.

For five and a half days, then back on tour. Five and a half days...

Like I'm nothing. Cor blimey.

Chapter Five.

Textual Healing.

Lovely. Very good.

Love-ly!

The chapter titles are smashing it at the moment.

They're very, very strong.

Right, I'm hoping that Ed is going to come good.

Back at the big award show, things were heating up.

The opening act was moments away.

But in his dressing room, first-time host Melvin Odoom

was busy glaring hard, hard and deeply into

the eyes of his former lover, Ed Sheeran.

So, he's back off the tour, and expecting an immediate hook-up.

That is disgusting. Isn't it?

But it was Ed that spoke first.

Oh.

"How dare you never get in touch after what we had."

"I took you roller-skating, I ate kale for you.

"I hate kale!"

Ed's list went on.

But hang on. So, Ed thinks that you haven't been in touch with him.

So, maybe... But you have.

I tell you what. Anything could happen, Melvs.

Anything could happen.

"I even got you this gig, Melvin.

"And then you just drop me, leaving me like a piece of buttered toast

"when it lands face down".

Oh!

"What are you talking about? I wrote to you.

"I wrote to you every single day."

Melvin pulled out his phone, and started reading from

the 52 unread messages.

"I miss you already. I can't stop thinking about you.

"I saw a ginger cat today and thought of you."

Heart emoji...!

An orange heart. Yeah, an orange heart, as well.

"I wrote you 52 messages, Ed, and you didn't reply.

"Not once."

Cold-hearted Sheeran.

Melvin felt his anger still pushing through his veins,

but now he wasn't sure it should be directed at Ed.

Ed opened his phone, and there they were,

a barrage of messages, all to Melvin,

all unread, all unseen by Melvin himself, until now.

Something had gone terribly wrong.

But in that moment, all their anger was suddenly forgotten.

Why hadn't you read them?

I feel like they maybe don't have each other's real, like,

phone numbers or something. Oh...

They rushed into each other like horny gusts of wind.

Mouth on mouth, they started pashing with all the passion

and anger of break-up sex,

but with the tenderness of make-up sex.

A perfect combination.

Wow.

"Oh, Ed, I missed you."

Phew!

You're opening up your heart again to him. What a fool.

You're making yourself vulnerable. Yep.

Then, slowly, tenderly, he moved in for a soft and succulent kiss.

"I'm going to drive you crazy, then stop,

"then do it all over again."

As the make-up mirror began to steam...

..the lovers fell to the floor,

hip to hip, groin to groin,

and rolled over the plush carpet like frenzied bees

seeking out their nectar.

Bzzz!

MELVIN LAUGHS

That is a line!

That smashes it.

Uh, Melvin's member...

Here we go.

..began brushing against Ed's throbbing instrument.

And then he stared deeply into his eyes,

before hungrily turning him over

and driving his MAN MEAT...

..deep inside.

That's one for the mums.

Mums, if you're watching, we apologise.

Are you getting hot?

I am getting slightly. OK.

This time, Ed spun Melvin around.

He wanted Melvin to feel everything he had,

so he slid his instrument into Melvin.

That would hurt. That really would.

It was hot and frantic,

and then slow and sensual.

The ping of a guitar string was timed perfectly

as the two lovers reached F sharp.

BOTH: A-a-a-a-h!

That sounded like a bird. That sounded like... Oh.

Oh, is it more...ah!

What is an F sharp? It's high, isn't it?

BOTH: A-a-a-a-h!

The loved-up couple lay together, bottoms up, on Melvin's

dressing room floor in post-coital harmony.

After the old nooky nooks.

And then, suddenly Melvin screamed.

"Agh!"

A scream of agony.

He reached for his left buttock,

and then felt a cold hard arrow...

What?

..that had flown from the bow

held by the man now standing in the doorway.

Whoa.

What is this about?

Melvin looked up to face his attacker.

"You thief!" yelled fellow radio DJ Roman Kemp.

Wow.

So, Roman's involved now.

Roman's involved. OK.

"But why?" Ed and Melvin said in unison.

Roman barked, "You, Melvin! You took what I want!"

Love rivals.

He wants a bit of Ed, doesn't he?

"But, but... my butt," Melvin croaked out.

Roman growled angrily, "Whilst you've been busy

"as radio's most rampant love machine, I've been grafting,

"building a REAL career so that I can land my dream job...

"..this job!"

MEL GASPS

Ie, the Brits hosting. Makes sense now.

"I was promised the Brits four months ago,

"and then you hooked up,

"and got him to bag the show for you instead."

Work jealousy.

"So, I devised a really magnificent plan.

"As you sucked your face off on the grass, I pick-pocketed both of

"your phones before Ed left for his tour, so I could replace

"your real numbers with fake ones."

This is pesky Kemp.

So that's why the messages weren't going through.

Ah...

I did say the wrong numbers, or something, was going on.

You did! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Miss Marple.

"I thought if I could break you up and make you hate each other,

"Ed would make sure he never had to see you again

"and make the organisers drop you.

"But here you are.

"So plan B it is."

"Twang!"

An arrow moved across the room, as if in slow motion,

straight through Melvin's... man meat?!

An arrow?!

Through my man meat? Yes.

Like kebabs? Yes.

Doner? Yes.

Pff...!

Roman dashed from the room.

And Ed helplessly tried to staunch the bleeding.

"Don't leave me, Ed," whimpered a mortally wounded Melvin.

Oh...

This has gone dark real quick.

"I won't go anywhere, my love," Ed replied tenderly.

It... There's only, like, half a paragraph to go.

So, do... Am I OK? Are you going to die?

Please, no. Melv, we can't have that.

Meanwhile, the backstage team at the award show were going crazy.

It was go time, and neither the host nor the opening act

were anywhere to be seen.

Roman sauntered up to the show director.

"Need a handsome host?"

The end?!

So, I'm done for.

What a story. Melv...

It had everything. It did have everything.

It had drama, action.

Romance!

Man meat.

The pump.

But the moral of the story is... Yeah?

..watch out for Roman Kemp.

And don't fall in love with Ed Sheeran. Exactly.

And never let Gemma Collins sit on your face.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media