Original subtitles

It smells like fear.

I've invited six well-known faces...

Ready?

..to my very racy book club.

Oh.

It is getting spicy.

Making me sweat.

Amateur writers have worked with us...

I can't read this.

Wow!

I'm dressing up as a fireman?

HE HOWLS

..to create mind-blowing fantasies...

Whoever wrote this is a G!

..of love...

Eurgh!

Quite hot, isn't it?

..passionate liaisons...

I would never do that.

NO!

..and unbridled lust.

Oh, no! There's a limit.

We've used puppets, so you don't have to use...

Viva forever!

..your imagination.

Oh, my God!

So join me for the rudest book club in town.

I just can't accept what I'm reading.

What a story!

And that was just page one.

Ah, Martin Kemp, welcome to book club.

Can I just say, it is an absolute joy to see you?

Oh, and you too.

Er, what would you like to drink?

Ooh, what have you got? A gin and tonic, go on.

I think I might follow suit. Yeah.

Ice? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah?

If you can get it. Yeah. MARTIN LAUGHS

Thank you very much.

This is a special book club, with an entirely...

MARTIN LAUGHS

..fictional story about you.

You can see my body language has all gone like this, now...

You moved...over this way. MARTIN LAUGHS

You're backing towards the door, Kempo. Yeah.

There we go. Now, listen,

let's unwrap these together.

I've not read this either, we're in the same boat.

Right, it looks quite thick.

"Pure Kemptation, starring Martin Kemp."

That is a good start.

I think I'm going to like you with your glasses on.

Oh, do you? A lot.

Yes, you look good, Kempo.

I should just say that some of the story will be re-enacted.

Not by... Not by us. Don't worry. Yeah.

There is a group of puppets.

And they get up to it?

And they get up to it, yeah.

Oh, I've just seen the first sen-... Off you go, Kempo.

I've just seen the first sentence.

" 'Oh, my, God!'

"Martin Kemp's body shuddered as he came...

"..like a tube train."

OK. MARTIN LAUGHS

How do we feel about the tube train?

I know where they're going with the tube train. Do you?

Epping? Well, it's kind of like sexual connotation, isn't it?

Of course it is. I... No, I was... The old choo-choo train.

No, I was suddenly thinking of the end of the Central Line...

Oh, were you? MARTIN LAUGHS

..but now I see what you mean.

"Martin Kemp's body shuddered as he came,

"like a tube train.

"He pushed the bedcovers away as sunlight streamed through

"the windows of his stylish Hertfordshire home.

" 'Morning, sleepy,' murmured a familiar voice.

"He closed his hand over his lover's solid, hairy thigh.

Now... Hairy thigh? Who am I with?

Now, your lovely wife Shirlie, who you've been with for...

Shirlie's not got hairy thighs.

I just wanted to check. Onwards.

" 'You're an old romantic,' his lover drooled,

"dropping a kiss on Martin's forehead.

"Martin stole a kiss himself. 'Didn't anyone tell you?

" 'I'm a NEW ROMANTIC.' "

MARTIN LAUGHS

Come on.

I'm an old-ish New Romantic.

Er, OK.

"They both tumbled back into the bedsheets, giggling.

"And soon the two of them were tangling,

"like two playful pups...

"..nibbling and biting on each other's solid nipples."

MARTIN LAUGHS

That is quite hot, isn't it?

It is getting hot in here, isn't it? Yeah.

" 'You,' his lover said, 'are insatiable.'

" 'And you,' Martin said,

"putting a hand on the back on his lover's head,

" 'are the only thing that fills me up.' "

And that's just page one.

Kempo, please carry on.

"Then his lover stood,

"and Martin smiled as he admired

"the magnificently toned body of the man himself."

MARTIN LAUGHS

I'm shagging Ross Kemp!

MARTIN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

MUSIC: Romeo and Juliet Overture by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Oh, no, this is inc-... It's practically incest.

They called it Pure Kemptation... Yeah.

..and they've gone very Kemp-heavy, haven't they?

I'm shagging Ross Kemp. I always knew I would one day.

Did you? Yeah. He's the loveliest man

and we worked together only briefly on EastEnders.

When I'd just left the show... Yeah.

..I had a couple of quid in my pocket by that time. Yes.

And I went to the Porsche garage, right. Yep.

And I'm standing there looking at this car that I'm going to buy

and I bend over and my bum touches someone else's bum

and it's Ross Kemp buying the car next to me.

Oh, wow! Yeah, there you go.

This is merely the sequel to what happened in that... To that.

..in that classic car garage.

"His gloriously glossy..."

MARTIN LAUGHS

Glossy is excellent, glossy is excellent.

"His gloriously glossy head rising like a full moon,

"a cheeky glint in his eye as he leapt forward

"to caress Martin where he knew he loved it.

"Kemp on Kemp.

"Everyone had thought they were related, brothers perhaps,

"but no, not brothers...

"..lovers. Married lovers."

All this time, you never knew. Thank God it's a secret.

I want to get into this. What's going on?

"Martin heard the tinkle of teacups downstairs,

"as Shirlie laid out the break-...."

Shirlie as well?! WHISPERING: Shirlie's involved.

Oh, no. No!

"Their polygamous marriage was a happy one...

"..but no-one could know, not even their children."

Thank God for that!

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-doo. #

"Martin rewound back in his memory.

"They had been enemies in character and in real life,

"until that fateful day on set when

"the director called action on what would become

"an iconic EastEnders encounter.

" 'Oi,' Martin had said in his part as Steve Owen.

That was uncanny. That was Steve.

It was. Did you hear that?

Steve was right there in the chair. "Oi!"

MARTIN LAUGHS

MEL CHUCKLES

" 'Oi.'

" 'What d'you want?'

" 'A word,' said Martin, in character.

"Inside, Martin looked at the gruff man looking at him

"and started to wonder why his loin twitched and his stomach twerked."

"Stomach twerked," I love that.

D'you... Do you remember when you were a kid and

the first time that you're getting together with

a girl or something,

all it took was a hand that stroked across your stomach

and your stomach would twerk.

Yeah, yeah. Nowadays, you're going like, "Just get on with it."

Come on. We still get stomach twerks. Here we go.

" 'You and me, we got some unfinished business,' said Martin,

"still in character. Ross turned.

HIGH-PITCHED: " 'Oh, yeah, so we have.' "

Well, he did have a slightly high voice.

That's better.

He... D'you know... D'you know something?

He didn't have a high voice in EastEnders.

Well, it is... It did go quite high. Did it?

Yeah, he puts it on when he does the gang thing,

he's kind of like, "Yeah, what, so, what, you're in trouble.

"You're going to fight this gang over here, are ya?"

And then as soon as he finishes, HIGH-PITCHED: "Are we done then?"

MEL LAUGHS

Yes, I suppose cos Grant...

LOW-PITCHED: Grant was very much...

LOW-PITCHED: Yeah, Grant was down here. Down there.

"Then Ross stepped up to Martin,

"an attraction spun between them...

"..before Grant landed his punch on Steve.

"From that moment on, for Martin,

"wanting Ross became the sanest kind of madness."

Oh!

" 'Meet me at the Queen Vic when everyone's gone.'

"In the pub, Martin waited, pensively.

"He speared a Hula Hoop in a bowl with his middle finger

"and crunched it to beefy dust."

MARTIN LAUGHS

Love that!

It's brilliant.

"Then behind him,

"he heard a familiar clearing of your throat..."

GRANT CLEARS HIS THROAT

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

"..and Martin turned to see him standing there.

"All of him.

"Martin swallowed hard."

MARTIN SWALLOWS

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

That's putting a rotten picture in my head at the moment.

There are already many, many pictures,

Kempy, that are just gonna stay with me for the rest of my life.

So let's... Let's breeze on. Let's breeze on.

LAUGHING: "Martin swallowed hard, and there it was,

"a lump in his throat,

"and a lump in his trousers.

"Ross rolled up his sleeves to reveal his thick forearms."

He does have thick forearms, doesn't he? He does, yeah, they're solid.

"So he stepped into Martin's personal space.

"Before Ross could say a word,

"Martin pressed a slender thumb against his lips."

And look - your thumb is literally there.

Yes, because I can feel it now.

As if you're in it. Yeah. You are totally in it.

I can feel it, my head's in there.

HIGH-PITCHED: " 'I know why I'm here, and I feel it too,'

"Ross said, pulling him in for a deep kiss."

" 'Hoooooowwwwl!' howled Ross, unbuttoning Martin's shirt.

" 'Every time I see you,

" 'I'm hungry like the wolf.' Ross winked."

But hang on... That's not my song!

Exactly - that's Duran Duran. Yeah, that's Duran Duran.

What the heck is he talking about?

"A lopsided smile from Ross made Martin's stomach flip

"and his balls tighten." LEATHER CREAKS

Just telling it like it is in that bit,

nothing sort of, you know...

I thought they got baggier. Oh.

Don't they get baggier when you get hotter?

I wouldn't... Kempy, you're... Is it up or down?

You're asking me, Kempy, like I...like I know.

Er...

"Ross's hand touched Martin's.

" 'This is all so tangible and right,' murmured Martin,

"watching the shiny head bob up and down in agreement."

OK, so we've moved on a little bit. Yeah. We've moved on.

Yeah, the old relationship's going fast here, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

"Martin pushed Ross' lips apart, deepening his kiss.

"Hands on Ross's back,

Martin pulled him closer before tugging off Ross's shirt.

"One hand made its way to Ross's broad, muscular chest

"and the other went down, squeezing Ross's thickening bulge."

Oh, goodness!

Which is not his forearm.

I'm never going to be able to look him in the eye again!

You really won't be.

Do you think he'll enjoy this, Kempo, this story?

I think he might enjoy it. Yeah, yeah.

I hope the EastEnders producers realise that this is fiction,

I just want to say.

They-they will, won't they? I hope so. Yeah.

"With one hand anchored on his waist of Martin's trousers,

"Ross held his gaze."

HIGH-PITCHED: " 'May I?'

" 'You may.' "

HE CHUCKLES

"Martin and Ross were filling their bodies and souls

"with this new-found passion that cascaded out.

"Neither of these two alpha males had ever felt anything like it.

"Forget Spandau Ballet -

"it was Sexy Ballet."

Oh, that's good.

" 'This is Gold, Martin,' growled Ross.

" 'Oi! Cheeky,' muttered Martin,

"greedily finishing the rest of his Hula Hoops

"from Ross's firm, ready flesh."

CRUNCHING

Yes, remember they turned into beefy dust... Yeah, beefy dust.

..and now they seem to be on Ross's body.

"Author's note. Flashback ends."

HARP TRILL, AIR RUSHES

Right. Oh! I mean, Kempy, that was...that was a ride.

I'm exhausted from it. That... I know, me too.

I'm exhausted. But somehow I want more.

We need a G&T break. That is all too much.

Oh, oh, goodness. Oh...

Cheers.Cheers. GLASSES CLINK

Oh, my goodness. Making me sweat.

TYPES ON KEYBOARD

" 'How about that cockney cucumber meets my East End?'

" 'Dad? Uncle Ross?!' "

You and Ross Kemp - heavily involved.

I don't want you to end up with Ross.

No, no, I can't see there's a future in it.

I don't think so.

No, he'd be off filming all the time, wouldn't he?

Yes! You'd never see him. Doing and his Gangs and...

And you'd have to look after all his black T-shirts

and... Yeah. ..he'd get needy.

Right. Time to get going again.

"It was day two of the bi-annual soap convention alumni reunion...

"..where all of the old East End soap gang

"would meet up on replica sets,

"and re-enact classic scenes from the show's star-studded history."

Wow.

"To make the day even more special,

"Martin's son, Roman Kemp, the radio DJ,

"was covering it for his radio show."

Oh, no, don't bring Roman into this.

I-I'm sure he won't be.

I'm sure he won't be.

Oh, no.

"Ross Kemp skidded up next to them in his main ride,

"a tank he'd bought off eBay.

" 'Hello, Martin,' said Ross in his gruff voice,

"as if they hadn't been canoodling just hours before.

" 'Hello, Ross,' said Martin, suppressing a blush.

" 'Hey, Uncle Ross,' chirped in the younger Kemp."

Would your son, Roman Kemp, ever call him Uncle Ross?

No. No. No.

Or any of your friends, Uncle this? Would he have...?

Oh, no, not at all.

Uncle Gary, yes, because he is his uncle... No.

..but not the others members of Spandau Ballet.

No, no, never.

If George would come... George Michael.

He's his godfather, isn't he? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

..they would debate until the early hours of the morning...

Wow! ..and Roman was only a little boy, you know,

and he would put his point across

and they would be shouting at each other,

and in the end it was like they had to make up.

But that's how we brought him up. That's good.

OK. Next page. Right. Over the page.

"Kemp and Kemp were up next.

"They had the legendary Angie and Den encounter to bring to life.

HIGH-PITCHED: " 'My problem ain't the drink, Den,'

"warbled Martin in his oddly convincing Anita Dobson turn.

" 'Shut it, you slag!' "

That wasn't to you, I never said that to you.

I mean, Kempy... I never said that to you. I'm-I'm reading this.

I thought we were getting on well. Yeah!

THEY LAUGH

" 'Shut it, you slag!' snarled Ross.

"If only their select audience knew the truth."

APPLAUSE "This was electric stuff,

"and although their lips were moving,

"it was their eager eyes that said it all."

Wow!

" 'I want you,' was what Martin's glance was saying,

and Ross's was saying the same thing,

"but in a gruffier voice."

GRUFFLY: " 'I want you!'

"They needed to be together - together now.

"But Roman - Roman was here!"

THEY LAUGH

"The re-enactments were over. It was time for lunch.

"Roman had gone on the hunt for some beef Hula Hoops."

"A taste ran in the family.

"Martin fired Ross a look -

"a look he immediately understood,

"and those two men slipped behind the bar unnoticed.

"They kissed,

"the passion and heat of the day overcoming them both."

This is brilliant.

" 'How about that cockney cucumber meets my East End?' "

THEY LAUGH

Brilliant!

Brilliant.

Oh...

" 'How about that cockney cucumber meets my East End?'

"Somewhere behind them was a startled crunch."

CRUNCH

" 'Dad? Uncle Ross?!' Roman said, looking really very surprised

"but still managing to eat another crisp.

" 'Cucumbers and ends? What the hell is going on here?!' "

Whaa! What's gonna happen?

"Roman stood with his grab-bag packet of crisps

"in the middle of the replica Queen Vic.

"Martin froze. 'Son, please, let me explain.'

"Roman wiped powdered Monster Munch off his lips."

That is so right!

That's all he used to eat when he was a kid. Was it?

Yeah, Monster Munch. Pickled onion? Pickled onion Monster Munch! Nice.

That's all he used to eat. The very best. The very best flavour.

"His eyes locked on Ross.

" 'What about Mum?'

" 'I can explain,' crumbled Martin."

TEARFULLY: " 'There's nothing you can say to make this better, Dad,"

"sobbed Roman. 'I was really proud of you today,

" 'seeing you on the Square, pretending to be Anita Dobson,

" 'but now, I can't even look you in the eye.' "

Good emotion there, Kempy. Thank you, I'm trying.

I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it.

"Ross stepped back,

"stuffing his cucumber back into his pants.

LAUGHING: " 'Maybe..

" 'Maybe I should leave you two to talk, then.' "

SHE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

" 'How about...?' Roman said,

"tears forming at the corners of his eyes,

" 'How about I leave you two cheating bastards

" 'to do whatever it is you do?!' "

Ah! Roman.

"Martin reached out for Roman, to try and explain,

"but Roman was gone."

Doof, doof-doof, doof-doof-doof-doof!

I'm worried for Roman. Yeah, me too.

I'm worried for Roman. What's he gonna say?

I know, what's he gonna say? Is it going to end happily? Surely.

What's he gonna say when he goes home

and he finds out his mum knows?

Let's read on.

"Martin was torn. He loved Ross, of course,

"but-but forced to choose between Kemp and Kemp,

"Martin knew there was only one option.

"He couldn't lose Roman. It wasn't worth it.

"Martin turned to Ross.

This could be the last time they ever saw each other.

Gathering a rock-hard - in every sense - Ross up into his arms,

Martin put his chin on the top of his glossy head.

" 'Whatever happens, you'll always be my Silver Fux.' "

"Silver Fux"? That's what it says here.

It says F-U-X. Yes, Silver Fux.

Well how do you pronounce Fux?

You just... F-U-X? You just...you just did.

It's right, innit? Unless it was "fooks"?

"Fooks"?! No.

" 'One last time, then? Where it all began, right here?'

"Martin whispered sensually."

That was very sensual, Kempy, very good.

" 'Drambuie in our glasses and Gold on the jukebox?' "

# Slowly being eaten away

# Just another play for today

# Oh, but I'm proud of you but I'm proud of you... #

"Dancing in the near-dark..."

# Nothing left to make me feel small... #

"..Ross leaned forward,

"his warm breath against Martin's neck,

"humming Gold's chorus."

"Gold!"

When I was opening the envelope, I was...

I was hoping, "There's gotta be a Gold in there."

But it's a funny thing because, you know,

as classic as those records are now, like True and Gold and...

They are so long ago, like 40 years ago... Wow.

..that it doesn't even feel like me any more. It feels...

Does it not? Feels like somebody else. No, when I watch it on TV,

I get the same out of hearing those records as you do.

Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

I look at it as if it's somebody else.

Carry on.

" 'Always believe in your soul, baby.'

" 'You know that, right?'

"He swept away all the empty glasses..."

GLASSES CLATTER

"..and shit from the bar counter - beer mats cascading to the ground."

THEY LAUGH

"Martin wanted the powerful figure of Ross Kemp

"to make him sizzle like a strip of bacon

"on Ian Beale's griddle."

HE GULPS HEAVILY

"Soon, both men were grasping at each other's pulsing members."

Oh, no! No, come on, there's a limit.

I thought this was gonna be romantic.

I mean, you know, it's reaching the end, so it...

I suppose it's got to... It's gotta climax, hasn't it? It's got to.

"The world melted away and every kiss had a raw intensity.

"Breathing fast, heart rates faster.

"Then Martin's slim legs were in the air.

"Ross casually slipped inside."

I'm not telling Roman when this is on.

"Martin nibbled on Ross' nipples,

"and giggled coquettishly.

"Then he grabbed a bottle and slathered him in Bailey's,

"licking it off in a sexy display

"before squeezing Ross's plump buttocks...

"..enjoying the amount of give in each cheek.

" 'Looks a bit like me and Steve McFadden headbutting each other,'

"he sniggered."

"Peanuts and pork scratchings flew in every direction

"as they celebrated their forbidden love,

"knowing it was the last time.

"Quicker, faster, further, more, until...

.." 'Hooooooooowl!' cried Martin,

"as their simultaneous climax was hotter than...

"than when Phil Mitchell famously torched the pub."

Party ring, Martin?

They look like sugar-coated Ross Kemp bum holes, don't they?

They do.!

Kempy, I ate one about five minutes ago.

They do look like that, though.

Pass one over. Oh, hello.

Look...

..that could well be Ross Kemp's bottom.

"They were so engrossed,

"neither noticed as a figure entered the bar."

MEL GASPS Who will it be?

" 'Is this really it?' Ross said, swallowing hard.

" 'Real love is never painful unless it's the pain of parting.

" 'I feel like my soul's shattering.

" 'I love you.'

" 'Give my love to Shirlie and tell her I miss her too.

" 'But right now, you need to go home

" 'and be with your family.

" 'Roman needs you.'

"Then a shadowy figure stepped out

"from behind the pub's iconic royal bust.

" 'Roman...' the shadowy figure said.

" 'Roman's going to be all right.'

" 'Son!' gabbled Martin.

" 'We were just saying goodbye, I promise.

" 'It-it was ov... It's over. I'm sorry.'

" 'No, I'm sorry,' said Roman.

" 'I didn't know that Mum knew.

" 'I didn't know you and Uncle Ross...loved each other.'

"He paused.

" 'If I'd have known, I would have supported you,

" 'and you and Uncle Ross,

" 'you always taught me not to...not to lie.

" 'You recorded a song called True,

" 'and that's all I'm asking you to be with me, all right?

" 'Is that OK?'

Martin placed his hands on Roman's shoulders.

" 'Then, in that case, boy,

" 'there's something else I have to tell you.'

Martin drew himself to his full height.

" 'Roman...

" '..I'm not your father.' "

"Ross put his hand on Roman's other shoulder.

" 'I am.' "

Doof, doof-doof, doof-doof-doof-doof! Ah!

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. That is so good.

We should have done that on EastEnders.

And you did it so well. I was there. I'm exhausted. I was on the journey.

I was in that hug with the forearms.

Thank you so much, Kempo. Not at all, my pleasure.

It was a joy to be in Book Club with you. So much fun.

And remember there's only one rule of Book Club.

I don't know what it is - I haven't made it up yet.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media