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1
00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:06,520
This programme contains
strong language
and adult humour from the start
2
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,800
It smells like fear.
3
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:25,880
MEL: I've invited
six well-known faces...
4
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,320
Ready?
5
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,800
..to my very racy book club.
6
00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:30,200
GROANS
7
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,520
It is getting spicy.
8
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Making me sweat.
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00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:35,040
Amateur writers have worked
with us...
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I can't read this!
11
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:37,560
Wow.
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00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:38,760
I'm dressing up as a fireman?
13
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,120
HOWLS
14
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,680
..to create mind-blowing
fantasies...
15
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,320
Whoever wrote this is a G.
16
00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:45,560
..of love...
17
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:46,680
Oh.
18
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:47,840
Quite hot, isn't it?
19
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:48,880
..passionate liaisons...
20
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,280
I would never do that.
21
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,880
No.
22
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,720
..and unbridled lust.
23
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,520
Oh, no, there's a limit.
24
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,960
We've used puppets,
so you don't have to use...
25
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,560
Beavers for ever.
26
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,320
..your imagination.
27
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,000
Oh, my God.
28
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,000
So join me
for the rudest book club in town.
29
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,840
I just can't accept
what I'm reading.
30
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,320
What a story.
31
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,720
And that was just page one.
32
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,960
Kerry Katona. Welcome.
In this book club, anything goes.
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00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,200
Oh, this is gonna be fun then.
It is gonna be super fun.
34
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:30,360
OK.
35
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,480
This is for you.
Here's your envelope.
36
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,880
Oooh. Hoo-hoo. This is exciting.
37
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,440
It's like Christmas.
38
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,960
It's a big'un.
39
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,640
Oh, it is.
Oh, that's got girth, hasn't it?
40
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:41,920
Oh, lots of girth.
41
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,640
I haven't seen it.
Right.
42
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:44,760
I don't know what it is.
43
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,240
Oooh.
44
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,600
I feel like we're about
to take off together.
45
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,520
I dunno. Ooh. I feel like
we're about to embark together...
46
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,240
OK. ..on something.
I don't quite know what, Kerry.
47
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,080
It's gonna be good.
It's gonna be bloomin' good.
48
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,040
With a very happy ending,
excuse the pun.
49
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,240
Kerry, here we go.
50
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,360
Right.
51
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:07,960
"Sexy Bird, starring Kerry Katona."
52
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,560
I don't even talk like that in
real life.
53
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,600
Don't know why I said that.
Are you ready for this?
54
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:12,920
Yeah, go for it.
55
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,000
OK.
56
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,680
"Kerry Katona waited in the wings,
57
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,600
"breathless with anticipation.
58
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,440
SHE GASPS
59
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,040
"She was about to appear
on Britain Used to Have Talent,
60
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,040
"a new show for '90s pop stars
61
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:29,160
"looking to relaunch
their singing careers.
62
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,160
"Her iphone buzzed. Buzzz."
63
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,720
That's not in there,
but a bit of effect.
64
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,120
You're embellishing,
aren't you, Kerry?
65
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,280
Know what, I did there.
66
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,400
"Her body reacted
before her mind did.
67
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,680
"Oooh.
68
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:43,280
"A tingle shooting down her spine
69
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:47,520
"and into her private kitten,
which purred, delighted."
70
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,480
SHE PURRS
I think it would have growled.
71
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,000
Oh, hello. More of a rrrrrrruh.
72
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,320
Arrrgh. Arggggh.
Arrrrrh.
73
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,640
It's a bit of a snapper, mine.
74
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,200
" 'If you sing well tonight
my sexy canary,
75
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,160
" 'I'll give you a feel
of my feathery bits.
76
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,360
" 'I'll be watching closely.'
Kerry read aloud."
77
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,800
You should be on Coronation Street.
78
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,800
I think I'd do great in Corrie, me,
wouldn't I?
79
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,520
MANCHESTER ACCENT: Here, love,
do you want another pint?
80
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,320
"It was a message from MB,
81
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,880
"her super-secret,
super-special admirer."
82
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,400
I'm thinking Mary Berry.
83
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,720
You know what, the old dears,
they love me.
84
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,040
Don't call her an old dear though,
85
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,000
because she may do
a karate chop on you.
86
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,160
"Her messenger
had persuasive carnal powers
87
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,960
"that Kerry loved to submit to.
88
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:38,800
"This had led her into all manner
of compromising positions
89
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,840
"in order to titillate MB.
90
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:45,320
" 'Prrrrrr,' she said friskily... "
Grrrr.
91
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:50,640
"..as she remembered the unicorn
wave of pleasure she rode on
92
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,400
"the remote control satisfier
93
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:56,600
"MB had sent her
for their last sexting session.
94
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,960
What's a remote control satisfier?
95
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,440
It's like a vibrator.
OK. Thanks.
96
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:04,000
What you do is...
GIGGLES
97
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,040
I think you put it in your knickers
98
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,800
and then if you're with a man,
they remote... they can control it.
99
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,600
That is absolutely absurd.
100
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,880
So like say, honestly...
No. That's absurd.
101
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,200
Anyway...
102
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,360
"Kerry was yet to discover
103
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:22,160
"who was driving her inner kitten
quite so wild.
104
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:26,520
" 'I wonder who, or what,
MB stands for,' she whispered."
105
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,040
I've got some MBs.
Go on.
106
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,000
They're all Michaels.
107
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,880
Bolton. Ball. Buble.
108
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,200
I wouldn't mind
a bit of Michael Buble.
109
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,760
I'd like Buble
on the remote control.
110
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,720
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
111
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,920
"She replied to the message
with a quick aubergine,
112
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,640
"peach and a winky face emoji
113
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,600
"before shoving her phone
back in her knickers.
114
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,600
"And then the cameras were rolling
115
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,680
"and her name was being called.
116
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,640
" 'Gulp.'
117
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,160
"She looked out
at the judging panel.
118
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,520
APPLAUSE
119
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:04,120
"After years in showbiz,
she knew them all.
120
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:08,160
" 'All right, Katona,'
boomed head judge, Scary Spice."
121
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,320
Hah.
122
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,320
"Kerry gulped again.
'Gulp.'
123
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,680
"She'd always thought their
friendship had been rock solid,
124
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:19,520
"but recently Scary Spice
had turned into Mean Spice."
125
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,800
Ooh.
126
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,920
" 'Hey, there,
you beautiful Firetail...' "
127
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,160
Which is a bird.
Oh, it's called Sexy Bird.
128
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,840
Exactly.
Ahh.
129
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,720
"..cheered Radio 1 disc jockey
Melvin Odoom.
130
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:34,080
" 'Good day, you gorgeous Sheila,'
purred Peter Andre,
131
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,560
"with his smooth Aussie twang."
132
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,400
I got a bit of Aussie there,
but I think you can give me more.
133
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,880
Um... BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
Put another shrimp on the barbie.
134
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,800
Oooh, Kerry.
135
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,960
I'm shit at accents,
it definitely wasn't down under.
136
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,560
I'm not sure it was planet Earth,
but I loved it.
137
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,120
" 'Oh, Pete,'
she sighed internally."
138
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,200
Hang on.
Yeah?
139
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,000
Were you in the jungle with Pete?
I was.
140
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,360
I was one of the bridesmaids
when he married Kate.
141
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,360
He's lovely, isn't he?
Love Pete.
142
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:04,960
"Ooh, she'd never forgotten
the sight of his firm brown body,
143
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,200
"glistening under
the I'm A Celebrity waterfall,
144
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,960
"beads of liquid gliding down
his tree trunk thighs.
145
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,800
"He was a cork she'd never popped,
146
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,200
but she'd always been dying
to drink.
147
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,080
I've never found Pete attractive
in that way. No offence, Pete.
148
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:25,680
Really? No, not...not for me.
Not at all? Not our Pete.
149
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,240
"Kerry composed herself,
150
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,880
"and opened her mouth to sing
Atomic Kitten's Right Now."
151
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,200
Oh, that was a banger.
152
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,800
That was my favourite,
of all the four songs I did.
153
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,280
THEY LAUGH
154
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,240
"She tried to clear her throat.
155
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,080
" 'Ahem.'
156
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,920
"But right now
something wasn't right.
157
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:51,320
"Something was very not right,
right now.
158
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,240
"She started wailing.
159
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,120
"Every single note
in the wrong key."
160
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,480
Sounds about right.
161
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,400
"It was terrible,
162
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,040
"like a parrot making love
on helium."
163
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,560
" 'Arghhh.'
164
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,440
"She'd been thinking of MB,
out there somewhere, watching,
165
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,280
"and with that,
she missed the cue for the chorus.
166
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:15,000
"Suddenly Scary Spice slammed her
hand down on the stop buzzer."
167
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,400
Urrrr.
168
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:17,520
" 'Rarrrr.'
169
00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,320
"The whole stage flashed red.
170
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,120
" 'I'm sorry, but that were
a disaster.
171
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,080
" 'What I want, what I really,
really want
172
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,280
" 'is to never have to listen
to you sing another song again,'
173
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,560
"she snarled in her thick treacly
Northern accent.
174
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,040
"This was worse than the time
Kerry told everybody at
175
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,640
"the Brit Awards she'd just farted."
176
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,920
Hang on, was this up onstage,
Kerry Katona?
177
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,160
Yes. This is true. This is true.
This actually happened.
178
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,280
Good for you. When I got up,
179
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,720
I thought just try
and say summat really funny
180
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,360
and I went, "I've just farted."
181
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,800
I hadn't just farted
182
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:54,120
but I just thought I'd say it
trying too hard to be funny.
183
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,960
" 'I'm sorry Kerry,' chirped Melvin,
184
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,720
" 'I've gotta be honest with you,
songbird, that was shit.'
185
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:04,600
"Kerry was counting down the seconds
until she could exit stage right.
186
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:08,240
"She looked over at Pete,
the stadium silent,
187
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:13,200
"waiting for the oiled sexpot
to give his verdict.
188
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,720
"Kerry held all of her breath."
189
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,320
But how do you hold
some of your breath,
190
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,360
and let the other bit go?
191
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,920
Brr... I don't know.
192
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,920
SHE LAUGHS
193
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,480
" 'These kangaroos don't know what
they're talking about.'
194
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,440
Come on, Kerry. I can't do it.
Come on.
195
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,160
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
" 'These Kangaroos...' Good.
196
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,240
" '...don't know what...' #
SHE LAUGHS
197
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,040
It went slightly into...into
Dolly Parton.
198
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,200
" 'These kangaroos don't know what
they're talking about.'
199
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:46,000
"A wicked grin spread over his face
as he reached under the desk
200
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,840
"and slapped his golden knob."
201
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,760
SHE LAUGHS
202
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:58,240
"Golden glitter rained down
from the ceiling.
203
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,600
" 'You're my wild card, baby.
204
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:06,200
" 'Next week,
you and me will be singing a duet.'
205
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,320
"Kerry felt her phone buzz
in her gusset."
206
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:10,880
I love that word.
207
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,200
"Without looking,
she knew it was MB,
208
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,840
"and a satisfied smirk
spread across her face."
209
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:19,240
Look, I just need to know
who this flipping MB is now.
210
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,840
"The next morning,
211
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,680
"Kerry stood outside her
rehearsal room.
212
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,520
"She had a hand on the door
when her phone purred again.
213
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,200
" 'Thrrrr.'
214
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,800
" 'Worked out who I am yet,
beautiful bearded tit?' "
215
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,200
What?
216
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,800
I think a bearded tit is actually
a rather lovely bird,
217
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,520
similar to the blue tit.
218
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,560
Bearded is an unfortunate word
isn't it,
219
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,960
because one...one thinks of,
of a, of, of a...
220
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,680
You think of a hairy nipple.
221
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,600
"Her pulse skipped a beat.
222
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:55,600
" 'If only I could guess,'
she growled to herself,
223
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,640
"frustrated but aroused,
like a sexy Sherlock."
224
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:02,200
I like that. A sexy Sherlock.
225
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,720
Nice. Oh, yes,
226
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:06,720
I'm imagining a sexy
Sherlock's outfit with...
227
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,360
Pipe. Very sexy.
228
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,400
The deerstalker.
Just a cape.
229
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,400
A slightly short cape that just
kind of goes up to there. Yes.
230
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,320
Titty tassels. Ooh, yeah.
231
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:21,080
"Kerry entered the room to find
Pete leaning against a grand piano
232
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,880
"in a flowing white shirt,
233
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:28,040
"revealing his smooth chest,
brown as a horny conker.
234
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,440
" 'Phwoar,' Kerry thought,
respectfully."
235
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,720
That was a respectful phwoar.
Yes, it's a phwoar.
236
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,080
Phwoar. Phwoar. Phwoar.
237
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,360
" 'G'day, Kezza.'
238
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:43,480
" 'Ready to rearrange the alphabet
and put U and I together?' "
239
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:44,600
Oh...
240
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,720
"As they embraced..."
241
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,800
Ooh, am I really kissing Peter Andre
in this?
242
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,600
I think you are, matey.
Aw, for fuck's sake.
243
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:50,760
All the best.
244
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,000
"As they embraced,
245
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,680
"Kerry felt the hardness
of his musclier chest.
246
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,200
"It was like holding a packet
of six hardened bread rolls.
247
00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,960
LAUGHS
248
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:04,440
" 'The duet I wanna sing is a sequel
to one of my '90s biggest ballads.'
249
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:09,560
"As he tickled the piano keyboard,
he began to warble.
250
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,600
" 'Mysterious boy
251
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,040
" 'He's not Usher,
and he's not Britney
252
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:19,600
" 'He'd give up a kidney
to bring back Whitney
253
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:23,040
" 'Oh, mysterious boy,
oh, boy, who, is he?' "
254
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:24,800
That was excellent.
Thank you.
255
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:28,160
" 'Pete, it's-it's-it's beautiful.'
256
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,840
"Kerry couldn't take her eyes
off his fingers,
257
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,200
"teasing the piano keys.
258
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:37,400
"Suddenly aching for them
to tease her own instruments.
259
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,800
" 'Mysterious boy,
oh, mysterious boy, who, is he?'
260
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:44,240
"they sang together,
like two mating songbirds."
261
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,200
Hang on, Mysterious Boy, MB.
262
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,800
Aw, fuck's sake, don't tell me
it's Peter fucking Andre?
263
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:54,360
Ooh, I love you Pete,
I do love you, but, oh, not Pete.
264
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:58,080
"Seductively, she slid over
and joined him at the piano,
265
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:02,880
"their bodies now swaying together
like horny grass.
266
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,680
"As they swayed,
267
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,640
"Pete pushed his thick thigh
against her,
268
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:11,400
"making her phone dig uncomfortably
into her pubic bone."
269
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,760
Ooh, it's getting juicy.
270
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,320
"For a split second,
271
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:18,720
"she realised
she'd still not heard back from MB.
272
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,200
"But then Peter stopped playing
273
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,560
"and silence fell,
like a quiet sponge."
274
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:25,880
GASPS
275
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,800
Oh, God, what's gonna happen next?
276
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,360
" 'Do you like the song?' he asked,
277
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:34,120
"his big doe eyes
beaming with emotion,
278
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,000
"emotion and sex.
279
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:41,960
" 'Yes. I wish this could go
on forever,' breathed Kerry."
280
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,640
That was very Corrie.
D'you like that? Like it?
281
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,880
That was very Corrie. They'd...
If anyone's watching, call me.
282
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:46,960
They'd love that on Corrie.
283
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,920
Oh, they would, wouldn't they?
Yeah, they would.
284
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,200
" 'Me too,' whispered Pete,
285
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,720
"biting his bottom lip
with his top lip.
286
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,120
" 'Mm.' "
287
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,600
BOTH LAUGH
288
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,080
"Pete placed one hand on her waist,
289
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,840
"and with the strength of
a wild kangaroo,
290
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:09,120
"he pulled her in for a
life-altering, heart-stopping kiss.
291
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:18,240
"Peter drew her trousers down
torturously slowly."
292
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,360
I don't think I can go on.
293
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,080
It's the idea of drawing
her trousers down.
294
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,400
It sounds almost like
a sort of curtain, doesn't it?
295
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,120
It's like...
CLICKS TONGUE QUICKLY
296
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,640
"Kerry slid her hand
inside his trousers,
297
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,840
"feeling the firm length
of his meat didgeridoo."
298
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,440
Eugh.
299
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:41,280
" 'I knew you were big down under,'
purred Kerry.
300
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,640
" 'Oh, Pete.'
'Oh, Kezza.' "
301
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,200
Good accent. That was better.
302
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,920
" 'Oh, Pete.'
303
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,520
" Soon their undulating bodies
304
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,800
"played a melody on
the piano keys.
305
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,400
"Her buttocks on ivory.
306
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,800
"Musically and physically,
they were in perfect harmony."
307
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,760
It's good how it's written though,
innit? It is really good.
308
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,400
I do like that.
It was quite good, that.
309
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:07,240
"She felt just like Julia Roberts
in Pretty Woman
310
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,800
"as Peter pushed her back
on top of the grand piano,
311
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:15,160
"hands running over her body
like she was a Casio keyboard."
312
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,440
SHE LAUGHS
313
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,800
I mean, it starts very elegantly.
314
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:23,240
And then it just ends
common as muck, innit?
315
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,160
"He pushed inside her."
316
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,680
Oh, my God, I can't read this!
317
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:29,760
Wow. Right OK. Ready.
It's getting quite graphic.
318
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,320
It is getting quite graphic, it's
getting very... What are you doing?
319
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,400
Sorry.
Mel, what are you doing?
320
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,080
I don't know.
I just have to do something.
321
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,440
Can I have the other one, please?
322
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,200
BOTH LAUGH
323
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:40,680
Thank you. You ready?
324
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:46,080
"He pushed inside her,
hard, then fast, then slow.
325
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,040
"It was melodious,
326
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:49,840
"it was rhythmic,
327
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,960
"it was perfect.
328
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,040
"Pete was crying out,
329
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,800
"hitting all the high notes
with his famous falsetto,
330
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:58,960
"screaming, 'Ye-esssssss!'
331
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:03,200
"but then, 'Nooooo!'
all at the same time.
332
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,600
"Kerry had also felt
the earth begin to move,
333
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,480
"but as she looked up,
she realised it was because
334
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,000
"the grand piano lid
was careering towards her.
335
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,400
" 'Oh, crap.' she managed to utter,
336
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,400
"and then everything went dark."
337
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,080
GASPS
338
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,640
That's the end of the first half,
I think.
339
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,960
Ahhhh. Kerry,
are you gonna live or die?
340
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,800
I don't know if I wanna find out,
to be honest with you, Mel.
341
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,080
BOTH LAUGH
342
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:38,080
" 'Andre, did you kill Katona?'
Oh, God.
343
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,160
" 'Viva forever.' "
344
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,360
Right, KK, back in the room.
Right, I'm back in't room.
345
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,600
So, there's a lot
of unanswered questions.
346
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:57,840
Kerry could be dead. I hope not.
347
00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,200
I hope bloody not.
348
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:00,280
Cos that could, you know,
349
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,040
that could put a bit of a dampener
on things.
350
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,520
Well, let's find out.
351
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,440
" 'Andre, did you kill Katona?'
352
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:12,320
"a voice snapped from somewhere
above Kerry's head.
353
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,640
"Kerry's world was still dark,
354
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,080
"but mainly because her eyes
were closed."
355
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,680
SHE LAUGHS
356
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,800
"Lying there, a flash of memory
flashed into her head,
357
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,640
"and a pang of guilt hit her heart
like a thunderbolt,
358
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,720
"as she realised her piano pash
with Pete
359
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:33,560
"was a betrayal
of her real love for MB.
360
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:39,560
"She must find MB, she mused.
'Oh, God,' she heard Pete whisper.
361
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,040
" 'What if I have killed Kerry?
362
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,080
" 'If she's dead, at least we won't
have to listen
363
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,880
" 'to her sing again next week.'
Mel said, laughing to herself.
364
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,880
"Opening her eyes and sitting up,
still naked,
365
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,080
"Kerry boldly asserted,
366
00:16:54,120 --> 00:17:00,080
" 'I will sing again because
I'm very much alive, actually Mel.'
367
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:05,040
"Maybe I should cover my breasts,
Kerry thought, but still didn't.
368
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,440
" 'I knew you weren't dead, Katona.'
369
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,520
"Mel looked down her nose at Kerry.
370
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,760
" 'Clearly, it would take more
than a piano lid
371
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,800
" 'to crack your thick skull,'
she cackled.
372
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:18,120
" 'Thick skull?!'
Kerry jumped up to respond.
373
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,120
"Pete positioned himself
between the two northern birds,
374
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,920
"holding his arms out
as though they might be about
375
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,240
"to launch themselves at each other.
376
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,560
"Something Kerry suspected
he'd probably rather like.
377
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,760
" 'Oh, calm down, Andre,' Mel spat.
378
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,000
" 'There's the sheet music
you asked for.' And with that,
379
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,120
"she turned and walked away,
only adding,
380
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,960
" 'And for the love of God
get some clothes on, Katona.' "
381
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,480
That's good.
382
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,640
"Kerry glanced over the sheet music.
383
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:48,840
"At the bottom,
Mel had initialled it."
384
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,440
Oh. Oh. What?
385
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:52,560
MB. Mel B.
386
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,120
AKA...AKA Scary Spice.
Am I right?
387
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,560
I don't think Mel fancies me
in that respect.
388
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,440
Listen I like...
I'm thankful for options but...
389
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,080
But...but this is fiction.
It is fiction.
390
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,120
Don't close those doors, Kerry.
391
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,000
"It all made sense.
392
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:14,160
"Mel B was of course MB."
393
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,480
Dun-dun-duh. Cliff hanger.
394
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,840
So she's using all that kind
of, you know, dissing... Yeah.
395
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,320
..to hide the fact that
actually she's-she's got a big...
396
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,080
She's got a big crush.
She's in love with me.
397
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,560
She's in love with you.
398
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:34,480
"Kerry stood just off the empty
Britain Used To Have Talent stage,
399
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:38,520
"her heart now pounding
like a randy woodpecker."
400
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,240
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
401
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,400
"She peered round
the red velvet curtain
402
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,160
"with gold tasselled trims
403
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,120
"to see her secret messenger
walk onstage,
404
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:51,800
"and start limbering up against
the now repaired grand piano.
405
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:55,880
" 'Such powerful limbs,'
Kerry said, not so quietly.
406
00:18:55,920 --> 00:19:01,720
"She pulled her phone from her silk
drawers and whispered a voice note.
407
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,960
" 'Pete, you made my body sing,
408
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,240
" 'but I'm afraid my heart
is being plucked by another.
409
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:13,880
" 'But I can't wait to sing a duet
with you. So friends, yeah?'
410
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,400
"And send."
411
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,000
What? Send what, a text?
412
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,040
No, it's a voice note.
413
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,600
Are you not listening to story, Mel?
Oh, are we on a voice note?
414
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,160
Yes, it says in't bloody script.
I was...
415
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:24,640
BOTH LAUGH
416
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,560
" 'OK, it's time to spice things
up a bit,' said Kerry,
417
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,440
"before getting down on all fours
418
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,680
"and prowling towards her prey...
419
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,560
"..the woman who'd been
driving her wild for months.
420
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:43,400
" 'What the heck you doing?'
barked Mel, looking confused.
421
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:48,080
" 'What do ya think I'm doing?'
Kerry purred, crawling closer,
422
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,840
"before rising and slipping
a hand deep inside Mel's cleavage."
423
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,600
SHE LAUGHS
424
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,920
Oh, my God, this is wrong.
No, I'm totally there.
425
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,760
It's the merging of two of
the most potent girl groups.
426
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,960
Oh, good girl groups.
SHE LAUGHS
427
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:09,560
" 'Katona.' Mel gasped,
stepping back in shock.
428
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,960
" 'Your sexy bird is here,'
Kerry said,
429
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,160
"before giving Mel a saucy wink."
430
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,200
THEY GIGGLE
431
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,560
" 'Despite your taunts
and teardowns,
432
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:24,040
" 'I know
you really, really want me.'
433
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:28,720
"Mel sighed. 'OK, truth time.
You're right, Kerry.
434
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:34,120
" 'I do want ya.
In fact, the truth is, I love ya.'
435
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,320
" 'But until today,
I thought you'd never feel t'same.
436
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:40,760
" 'And after you left Atomic Kitten
and Spice Girls quit,
437
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,320
" 'I thought us two
would become one.
438
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:46,800
" 'But when you chose Iceland ads
over spending time with me,
439
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,880
" 'I realised I had to be
cruel to ya to be kind to myself.' "
440
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,480
This is great characterisation.
441
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,200
Great, isn't it?
It's sooo good.
442
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,800
" 'Come to mama, Katona.'
443
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:02,040
"And with that,
Mel launched herself towards Kerry,
444
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:06,880
"and kissed her hungrily
on the lips. 'Mmmm.'
445
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,720
"This wasn't quite what
Kerry was expecting,
446
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,480
"but she went with it.
447
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:17,280
"Kerry sucked on each breast like
they were discount doughnuts."
448
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,160
SHE LAUGHS
449
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,440
Oh, I do love a bargain.
450
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,640
BOTH LAUGH
451
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,720
Oh, my God.
452
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,400
I'm never
going to look at Mel again.
453
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,360
God. This writer is a genius.
I'm sorry.
454
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,800
Oh, my God.
Discount doughnuts is...
455
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,920
"She sucked on each breast
like it was a discount doughnut."
456
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:42,960
GROANS
457
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,960
"Mel returned the favour,
ripping open Kerry's V neck T-shirt
458
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:51,200
"and gently licked her
from collarbone to naval,
459
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,280
"to her Ladies Night."
460
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,200
Oh, my God.
461
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:57,680
"She pulled Kerry
onto the judges' podium,
462
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:02,520
"and slid her paws
into Kerry's pussycat. 'Meow.' "
463
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,760
Oh, my God. Phew!
It's very intense.
464
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,800
I'm actually getting hot
and bothered, I'm not going to lie.
465
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,680
I just need to keep self-caring.
466
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,960
I have to look at it like far away
like this
467
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,760
cos I just can't accept
what I'm reading.
468
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,440
"They were hot, moist, eager
469
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,680
"and their tongues probed and
thrusted as if they were
470
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:26,240
"the last two people on Earth
and a asteroid was about to hit."
471
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,800
SHE LAUGHS
472
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:31,400
" 'Viva forever,'
screamed Mel in ecstatic delight,
473
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,640
"and then it was done.
474
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:38,680
" 'Wow. We were just incredible,
weren't we?'
475
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,440
" 'Uh...' Kerry hesitated,
476
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,520
"looking away before muttering,
'Sure.'
477
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,160
"Because the truth was,
Kerry wasn't sure.
478
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,000
"It was unbelievably exciting
479
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,720
"to know the identity
of her mysterious lover,
480
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:59,360
"but MB IRL had left her
a little deflated."
481
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:01,960
What's IRL?
482
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,600
Ireland, is it?
483
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,640
Yeah, uh, you know,
on an Irish car you have IRL.
484
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:09,080
Right? Is that right?
485
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,520
I don't understand...
486
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:13,040
MB IRL. MB Ireland?
487
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,520
MB... Hang on.
Doesn't it mean "in real life"?
488
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:16,880
Ooh!
489
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,880
That's cos we're getting old.
We don't know anything.
490
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,120
In Ireland.
491
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,400
BOTH LAUGH
492
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,080
OK. I was really hoping for
the Irish accent to come in.
493
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,920
IRISH ACCENT:
Top of the morning to ya.
494
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,240
Oh, there we go.
495
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,320
"As the cacophony of confusion
496
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,760
"swirled round her still
slightly tender skull,
497
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,600
"Kerry felt a familiar tingle
close to her buttocks.
498
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,440
"Her phone was buzzing next to her."
499
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:43,160
Where the hell have I kept this
phone this whole time?
500
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,040
In your gusset.
Bloody hell.
501
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:47,680
" 'I've got the key to your cage
502
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:50,840
" 'and it's nearly time
to set my little bird free
503
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,200
" 'so we can fly together.'
504
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,840
"She looked across at Mel,
who lay there,
505
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,440
"hands behind her head,
506
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:01,360
"blissfully looking up
in a sex-satisfied daydream,
507
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,400
"then, back at her phone.
508
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:06,160
"Mel B was clearly not typing."
509
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,080
GASPS
510
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,600
The plot thickens. She's just
give Mel one for nothing.
511
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,000
Pffft.
512
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,000
"Kerry stared, frozen in confusion.
513
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:21,120
"If Mel B wasn't MB, who was?
514
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:24,320
"And in that moment,
from backstage, she heard it.
515
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:29,720
"The dulcet tones of a man she'd
just dumped only minutes earlier.
516
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,160
" # Mysterious boy
Oh, boy, who, is he? # "
517
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,840
Like your freestyling.
518
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,800
"She felt frozen." You said it.
519
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,920
" 'Mysterious boy,'
she whispered to herself.
520
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:46,320
" 'Of course, Mysterious Boy.
MB-MB.'
521
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:49,360
"Pete emerged
from behind the stage curtain,
522
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:52,560
"and their eyes locked.
523
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:57,240
" 'Pete, forgive me,' she said,
throwing herself at him.
524
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,520
" 'I was wrong. There is no-one
I want more than you.' "
525
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,160
This girl can't make her bleedin'
mind up. I know.
526
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,440
Mind you, I am the same.
Mind you, it is me.
527
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,760
"Pete was confused but happy.
528
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,680
"His meaty didgeridoo
became slightly aroused."
529
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,320
Oh, hang on. I think we're gonna
get some action from
530
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:16,760
the didgeridoo now. Just buckle up.
531
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,200
" 'But I thought you wanted me?'
532
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:23,720
" 'Shut up, Mel. All I want is my
MB, my mysterious boy.'
533
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,000
"Kerry shot back.
SHE WOLF WHISTLES
534
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:29,480
" 'Oh, Kezza,' Pete purred,
before their lips met
535
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,920
"and their bodies collided
536
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:36,960
"in the most romantic and
erotic kiss either had ever had.
537
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,080
"As they sucked face..."
538
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,800
Sucked face.
Uh, it just sounds gross.
539
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,640
Sucked face.
540
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,720
"As they sucked face,
541
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,000
"at first Kerry didn't notice
her phone buzzing
542
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,840
"at the edge of the grand piano."
543
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,920
Don't tell me
there's a third person.
544
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,880
Oh, my days.
Bloody 'ell.
545
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,280
"Kerry dragged her lips off Pete's
546
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,080
"and looked at her phone.
547
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:03,640
"Her eyes quickly widened
like a goldfish drunk on Red Bull.
548
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:08,800
"Another message.
'Wrong again, my masked booby.'
549
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,000
That's a bird too, readers.
"If Mel..."
550
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,160
Can I just say?
This is genuinely really exciting.
551
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:14,520
Eh, I can't wait to find out
who MB is.
552
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:16,960
I really wanna know who MB is.
I do.
553
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,120
" 'If Mel B isn't MB,
and Mysterious Boy isn't MB,
554
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,520
" 'who the heck, are you?'
555
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,120
"She shouted
into the near empty auditorium.
556
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,000
"It was time to reveal themselves."
557
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,720
Oh, this is getting gripping now.
Come on.
558
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,360
Who is it, who is it, who, is it?
Come on. Come on.
559
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,360
"It was time to reveal themselves.
560
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,320
"MB stepped out from behind
561
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:39,160
"the now very used
red velvet curtain.
562
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,240
" 'It's Melvin, baby.'
563
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,360
"as he stepped onstage
like a proud peacock,
564
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,600
"ready to impress his mate."
565
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:51,280
I can't believe its Melvin Odoom.
That doesn't make any sense.
566
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,640
Well, his name is Melvin Odoom,
so it should be MO.
567
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:55,400
MO. I... Well, I think so.
568
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:58,920
"Kerry was startled.
Pete looked confused.
569
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,080
"Mel B was still sulking.
570
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:05,200
" 'But how do I choose?' she whined
seductively, bottom lip pouting."
571
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,720
Hang on.
572
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:10,720
"She whined seductively,
bottom lip pouting."
573
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,360
" 'But how do I choose?' "
574
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,320
D'you like that, did you?
575
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,680
If that does not get you onto
the cobbles,
576
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:21,280
my name is not Mel Gazodadoiyc.
577
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,520
" 'No need to choose,
my little dove.
578
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,560
" 'This nest is big enough
for three.'
579
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:30,440
"He spoke softly, cupping Kerry's
face with his right hand
580
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:33,040
"and then Pete's with his left hand.
581
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,440
"And the three of them locked lips
in a kiss
582
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:39,440
"that defied the abilities
of most human bodies.
583
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,360
"Soaked in their sexual bliss,
584
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,280
"none of them heard the rumbling
clatter above their heads
585
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:45,760
"until it was too late.
586
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,680
"Kerry, Pete, Melvin looked up
587
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:52,680
"just as the entire stage lighting
rig came crashing down."
588
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,880
LOUD CRASH
589
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,080
BUZZING
590
00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:02,560
"This time,
three worlds went dark.
591
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,240
"The end."
592
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,320
You're dead.
593
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:09,120
Oh, hang on. We've got more.
594
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,200
"At the side of the stage
stood Scary Spice."
595
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,880
Oh, wow. Fuckin' knew it. I knew it.
596
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,800
"In her hand she held aloft
a pair of scissors,
597
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,880
"the shredded rope that held
the lighting rig in place
598
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,080
"dangling beside her.
599
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:25,960
" 'Know this, Katona.
You can't Say You'll Be There,
600
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,880
" 'then Spice Up Your Life
without me.
601
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:34,440
" 'If I can't have ya, nobody can.
So, goodbye, my friends."
602
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,640
EVIL LAUGH
603
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,680
"The end end."
604
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:41,000
SHE LAUGHS
605
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:42,280
It says, "The end end"?
606
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:43,560
That's why I said, "The end end."
607
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:44,920
BOTH LAUGH
608
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,520
What I want to know
about the end end is
609
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:51,040
was it your end end
or did you actually survive?
610
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:54,800
You can knock Kerry Katona down
but you can't keep her down.
611
00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:56,960
She will get back up fighting.
612
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,400
K squared, you are a life force.
613
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:00,920
Not to be messed with.
614
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:02,680
I don't wanna be rude Kerry,
615
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:04,080
but I have to vacate the seat
616
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,040
because Dame...Dame Judi Dench
is coming.
617
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:08,680
So, if...if you wouldn't mind.
You know what, I'll go.
618
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:09,880
Yeah.
619
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:12,040
I don't know what we just did,
but I enjoyed it.
620
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:14,680
I'm off. Think I'm going back
to rehab after that.
621
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:16,000
See you later, Mel.
622
00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:17,440
MEL LAUGHS
623
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:18,880
Let me out.
47768
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