Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the start

It smells like fear.

MEL: I've invited six well-known faces...

Ready?

..to my very racy book club.

GROANS

It is getting spicy.

Making me sweat.

Amateur writers have worked with us...

I can't read this!

Wow.

I'm dressing up as a fireman?

HOWLS

..to create mind-blowing fantasies...

Whoever wrote this is a G.

..of love...

Oh.

Quite hot, isn't it?

..passionate liaisons...

I would never do that.

No.

..and unbridled lust.

Oh, no, there's a limit.

We've used puppets, so you don't have to use...

Beavers for ever.

..your imagination.

Oh, my God.

So join me for the rudest book club in town.

I just can't accept what I'm reading.

What a story.

And that was just page one.

Kerry Katona. Welcome. In this book club, anything goes.

Oh, this is gonna be fun then. It is gonna be super fun.

OK.

This is for you. Here's your envelope.

Oooh. Hoo-hoo. This is exciting.

It's like Christmas.

It's a big'un.

Oh, it is. Oh, that's got girth, hasn't it?

Oh, lots of girth.

I haven't seen it. Right.

I don't know what it is.

Oooh.

I feel like we're about to take off together.

I dunno. Ooh. I feel like we're about to embark together...

OK. ..on something. I don't quite know what, Kerry.

It's gonna be good. It's gonna be bloomin' good.

With a very happy ending, excuse the pun.

Kerry, here we go.

Right.

"Sexy Bird, starring Kerry Katona."

I don't even talk like that in real life.

Don't know why I said that. Are you ready for this?

Yeah, go for it.

OK.

"Kerry Katona waited in the wings,

"breathless with anticipation.

SHE GASPS

"She was about to appear on Britain Used to Have Talent,

"a new show for '90s pop stars

"looking to relaunch their singing careers.

"Her iphone buzzed. Buzzz."

That's not in there, but a bit of effect.

You're embellishing, aren't you, Kerry?

Know what, I did there.

"Her body reacted before her mind did.

"Oooh.

"A tingle shooting down her spine

"and into her private kitten, which purred, delighted."

SHE PURRS I think it would have growled.

Oh, hello. More of a rrrrrrruh.

Arrrgh. Arggggh. Arrrrrh.

It's a bit of a snapper, mine.

" 'If you sing well tonight my sexy canary,

" 'I'll give you a feel of my feathery bits.

" 'I'll be watching closely.' Kerry read aloud."

You should be on Coronation Street.

I think I'd do great in Corrie, me, wouldn't I?

MANCHESTER ACCENT: Here, love, do you want another pint?

"It was a message from MB,

"her super-secret, super-special admirer."

I'm thinking Mary Berry.

You know what, the old dears, they love me.

Don't call her an old dear though,

because she may do a karate chop on you.

"Her messenger had persuasive carnal powers

"that Kerry loved to submit to.

"This had led her into all manner of compromising positions

"in order to titillate MB.

" 'Prrrrrr,' she said friskily... " Grrrr.

"..as she remembered the unicorn wave of pleasure she rode on

"the remote control satisfier

"MB had sent her for their last sexting session.

What's a remote control satisfier?

It's like a vibrator. OK. Thanks.

What you do is... GIGGLES

I think you put it in your knickers

and then if you're with a man, they remote... they can control it.

That is absolutely absurd.

So like say, honestly... No. That's absurd.

Anyway...

"Kerry was yet to discover

"who was driving her inner kitten quite so wild.

" 'I wonder who, or what, MB stands for,' she whispered."

I've got some MBs. Go on.

They're all Michaels.

Bolton. Ball. Buble.

I wouldn't mind a bit of Michael Buble.

I'd like Buble on the remote control.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

"She replied to the message with a quick aubergine,

"peach and a winky face emoji

"before shoving her phone back in her knickers.

"And then the cameras were rolling

"and her name was being called.

" 'Gulp.'

"She looked out at the judging panel.

APPLAUSE

"After years in showbiz, she knew them all.

" 'All right, Katona,' boomed head judge, Scary Spice."

Hah.

"Kerry gulped again. 'Gulp.'

"She'd always thought their friendship had been rock solid,

"but recently Scary Spice had turned into Mean Spice."

Ooh.

" 'Hey, there, you beautiful Firetail...' "

Which is a bird. Oh, it's called Sexy Bird.

Exactly. Ahh.

"..cheered Radio 1 disc jockey Melvin Odoom.

" 'Good day, you gorgeous Sheila,' purred Peter Andre,

"with his smooth Aussie twang."

I got a bit of Aussie there, but I think you can give me more.

Um... BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Put another shrimp on the barbie.

Oooh, Kerry.

I'm shit at accents, it definitely wasn't down under.

I'm not sure it was planet Earth, but I loved it.

" 'Oh, Pete,' she sighed internally."

Hang on. Yeah?

Were you in the jungle with Pete? I was.

I was one of the bridesmaids when he married Kate.

He's lovely, isn't he? Love Pete.

"Ooh, she'd never forgotten the sight of his firm brown body,

"glistening under the I'm A Celebrity waterfall,

"beads of liquid gliding down his tree trunk thighs.

"He was a cork she'd never popped,

but she'd always been dying to drink.

I've never found Pete attractive in that way. No offence, Pete.

Really? No, not...not for me. Not at all? Not our Pete.

"Kerry composed herself,

"and opened her mouth to sing Atomic Kitten's Right Now."

Oh, that was a banger.

That was my favourite, of all the four songs I did.

THEY LAUGH

"She tried to clear her throat.

" 'Ahem.'

"But right now something wasn't right.

"Something was very not right, right now.

"She started wailing.

"Every single note in the wrong key."

Sounds about right.

"It was terrible,

"like a parrot making love on helium."

" 'Arghhh.'

"She'd been thinking of MB, out there somewhere, watching,

"and with that, she missed the cue for the chorus.

"Suddenly Scary Spice slammed her hand down on the stop buzzer."

Urrrr.

" 'Rarrrr.'

"The whole stage flashed red.

" 'I'm sorry, but that were a disaster.

" 'What I want, what I really, really want

" 'is to never have to listen to you sing another song again,'

"she snarled in her thick treacly Northern accent.

"This was worse than the time Kerry told everybody at

"the Brit Awards she'd just farted."

Hang on, was this up onstage, Kerry Katona?

Yes. This is true. This is true. This actually happened.

Good for you. When I got up,

I thought just try and say summat really funny

and I went, "I've just farted."

I hadn't just farted

but I just thought I'd say it trying too hard to be funny.

" 'I'm sorry Kerry,' chirped Melvin,

" 'I've gotta be honest with you, songbird, that was shit.'

"Kerry was counting down the seconds until she could exit stage right.

"She looked over at Pete, the stadium silent,

"waiting for the oiled sexpot to give his verdict.

"Kerry held all of her breath."

But how do you hold some of your breath,

and let the other bit go?

Brr... I don't know.

SHE LAUGHS

" 'These kangaroos don't know what they're talking about.'

Come on, Kerry. I can't do it. Come on.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: " 'These Kangaroos...' Good.

" '...don't know what...' # SHE LAUGHS

It went slightly into...into Dolly Parton.

" 'These kangaroos don't know what they're talking about.'

"A wicked grin spread over his face as he reached under the desk

"and slapped his golden knob."

SHE LAUGHS

"Golden glitter rained down from the ceiling.

" 'You're my wild card, baby.

" 'Next week, you and me will be singing a duet.'

"Kerry felt her phone buzz in her gusset."

I love that word.

"Without looking, she knew it was MB,

"and a satisfied smirk spread across her face."

Look, I just need to know who this flipping MB is now.

"The next morning,

"Kerry stood outside her rehearsal room.

"She had a hand on the door when her phone purred again.

" 'Thrrrr.'

" 'Worked out who I am yet, beautiful bearded tit?' "

What?

I think a bearded tit is actually a rather lovely bird,

similar to the blue tit.

Bearded is an unfortunate word isn't it,

because one...one thinks of, of a, of, of a...

You think of a hairy nipple.

"Her pulse skipped a beat.

" 'If only I could guess,' she growled to herself,

"frustrated but aroused, like a sexy Sherlock."

I like that. A sexy Sherlock.

Nice. Oh, yes,

I'm imagining a sexy Sherlock's outfit with...

Pipe. Very sexy.

The deerstalker. Just a cape.

A slightly short cape that just kind of goes up to there. Yes.

Titty tassels. Ooh, yeah.

"Kerry entered the room to find Pete leaning against a grand piano

"in a flowing white shirt,

"revealing his smooth chest, brown as a horny conker.

" 'Phwoar,' Kerry thought, respectfully."

That was a respectful phwoar. Yes, it's a phwoar.

Phwoar. Phwoar. Phwoar.

" 'G'day, Kezza.'

" 'Ready to rearrange the alphabet and put U and I together?' "

Oh...

"As they embraced..."

Ooh, am I really kissing Peter Andre in this?

I think you are, matey. Aw, for fuck's sake.

All the best.

"As they embraced,

"Kerry felt the hardness of his musclier chest.

"It was like holding a packet of six hardened bread rolls.

LAUGHS

" 'The duet I wanna sing is a sequel to one of my '90s biggest ballads.'

"As he tickled the piano keyboard, he began to warble.

" 'Mysterious boy

" 'He's not Usher, and he's not Britney

" 'He'd give up a kidney to bring back Whitney

" 'Oh, mysterious boy, oh, boy, who, is he?' "

That was excellent. Thank you.

" 'Pete, it's-it's-it's beautiful.'

"Kerry couldn't take her eyes off his fingers,

"teasing the piano keys.

"Suddenly aching for them to tease her own instruments.

" 'Mysterious boy, oh, mysterious boy, who, is he?'

"they sang together, like two mating songbirds."

Hang on, Mysterious Boy, MB.

Aw, fuck's sake, don't tell me it's Peter fucking Andre?

Ooh, I love you Pete, I do love you, but, oh, not Pete.

"Seductively, she slid over and joined him at the piano,

"their bodies now swaying together like horny grass.

"As they swayed,

"Pete pushed his thick thigh against her,

"making her phone dig uncomfortably into her pubic bone."

Ooh, it's getting juicy.

"For a split second,

"she realised she'd still not heard back from MB.

"But then Peter stopped playing

"and silence fell, like a quiet sponge."

GASPS

Oh, God, what's gonna happen next?

" 'Do you like the song?' he asked,

"his big doe eyes beaming with emotion,

"emotion and sex.

" 'Yes. I wish this could go on forever,' breathed Kerry."

That was very Corrie. D'you like that? Like it?

That was very Corrie. They'd... If anyone's watching, call me.

They'd love that on Corrie.

Oh, they would, wouldn't they? Yeah, they would.

" 'Me too,' whispered Pete,

"biting his bottom lip with his top lip.

" 'Mm.' "

BOTH LAUGH

"Pete placed one hand on her waist,

"and with the strength of a wild kangaroo,

"he pulled her in for a life-altering, heart-stopping kiss.

"Peter drew her trousers down torturously slowly."

I don't think I can go on.

It's the idea of drawing her trousers down.

It sounds almost like a sort of curtain, doesn't it?

It's like... CLICKS TONGUE QUICKLY

"Kerry slid her hand inside his trousers,

"feeling the firm length of his meat didgeridoo."

Eugh.

" 'I knew you were big down under,' purred Kerry.

" 'Oh, Pete.' 'Oh, Kezza.' "

Good accent. That was better.

" 'Oh, Pete.'

" Soon their undulating bodies

"played a melody on the piano keys.

"Her buttocks on ivory.

"Musically and physically, they were in perfect harmony."

It's good how it's written though, innit? It is really good.

I do like that. It was quite good, that.

"She felt just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman

"as Peter pushed her back on top of the grand piano,

"hands running over her body like she was a Casio keyboard."

SHE LAUGHS

I mean, it starts very elegantly.

And then it just ends common as muck, innit?

"He pushed inside her."

Oh, my God, I can't read this!

Wow. Right OK. Ready. It's getting quite graphic.

It is getting quite graphic, it's getting very... What are you doing?

Sorry. Mel, what are you doing?

I don't know. I just have to do something.

Can I have the other one, please?

BOTH LAUGH

Thank you. You ready?

"He pushed inside her, hard, then fast, then slow.

"It was melodious,

"it was rhythmic,

"it was perfect.

"Pete was crying out,

"hitting all the high notes with his famous falsetto,

"screaming, 'Ye-esssssss!'

"but then, 'Nooooo!' all at the same time.

"Kerry had also felt the earth begin to move,

"but as she looked up, she realised it was because

"the grand piano lid was careering towards her.

" 'Oh, crap.' she managed to utter,

"and then everything went dark."

GASPS

That's the end of the first half, I think.

Ahhhh. Kerry, are you gonna live or die?

I don't know if I wanna find out, to be honest with you, Mel.

BOTH LAUGH

" 'Andre, did you kill Katona?' Oh, God.

" 'Viva forever.' "

Right, KK, back in the room. Right, I'm back in't room.

So, there's a lot of unanswered questions.

Kerry could be dead. I hope not.

I hope bloody not.

Cos that could, you know,

that could put a bit of a dampener on things.

Well, let's find out.

" 'Andre, did you kill Katona?'

"a voice snapped from somewhere above Kerry's head.

"Kerry's world was still dark,

"but mainly because her eyes were closed."

SHE LAUGHS

"Lying there, a flash of memory flashed into her head,

"and a pang of guilt hit her heart like a thunderbolt,

"as she realised her piano pash with Pete

"was a betrayal of her real love for MB.

"She must find MB, she mused. 'Oh, God,' she heard Pete whisper.

" 'What if I have killed Kerry?

" 'If she's dead, at least we won't have to listen

" 'to her sing again next week.' Mel said, laughing to herself.

"Opening her eyes and sitting up, still naked,

"Kerry boldly asserted,

" 'I will sing again because I'm very much alive, actually Mel.'

"Maybe I should cover my breasts, Kerry thought, but still didn't.

" 'I knew you weren't dead, Katona.'

"Mel looked down her nose at Kerry.

" 'Clearly, it would take more than a piano lid

" 'to crack your thick skull,' she cackled.

" 'Thick skull?!' Kerry jumped up to respond.

"Pete positioned himself between the two northern birds,

"holding his arms out as though they might be about

"to launch themselves at each other.

"Something Kerry suspected he'd probably rather like.

" 'Oh, calm down, Andre,' Mel spat.

" 'There's the sheet music you asked for.' And with that,

"she turned and walked away, only adding,

" 'And for the love of God get some clothes on, Katona.' "

That's good.

"Kerry glanced over the sheet music.

"At the bottom, Mel had initialled it."

Oh. Oh. What?

MB. Mel B.

AKA...AKA Scary Spice. Am I right?

I don't think Mel fancies me in that respect.

Listen I like... I'm thankful for options but...

But...but this is fiction. It is fiction.

Don't close those doors, Kerry.

"It all made sense.

"Mel B was of course MB."

Dun-dun-duh. Cliff hanger.

So she's using all that kind of, you know, dissing... Yeah.

..to hide the fact that actually she's-she's got a big...

She's got a big crush. She's in love with me.

She's in love with you.

"Kerry stood just off the empty Britain Used To Have Talent stage,

"her heart now pounding like a randy woodpecker."

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

"She peered round the red velvet curtain

"with gold tasselled trims

"to see her secret messenger walk onstage,

"and start limbering up against the now repaired grand piano.

" 'Such powerful limbs,' Kerry said, not so quietly.

"She pulled her phone from her silk drawers and whispered a voice note.

" 'Pete, you made my body sing,

" 'but I'm afraid my heart is being plucked by another.

" 'But I can't wait to sing a duet with you. So friends, yeah?'

"And send."

What? Send what, a text?

No, it's a voice note.

Are you not listening to story, Mel? Oh, are we on a voice note?

Yes, it says in't bloody script. I was...

BOTH LAUGH

" 'OK, it's time to spice things up a bit,' said Kerry,

"before getting down on all fours

"and prowling towards her prey...

"..the woman who'd been driving her wild for months.

" 'What the heck you doing?' barked Mel, looking confused.

" 'What do ya think I'm doing?' Kerry purred, crawling closer,

"before rising and slipping a hand deep inside Mel's cleavage."

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God, this is wrong. No, I'm totally there.

It's the merging of two of the most potent girl groups.

Oh, good girl groups. SHE LAUGHS

" 'Katona.' Mel gasped, stepping back in shock.

" 'Your sexy bird is here,' Kerry said,

"before giving Mel a saucy wink."

THEY GIGGLE

" 'Despite your taunts and teardowns,

" 'I know you really, really want me.'

"Mel sighed. 'OK, truth time. You're right, Kerry.

" 'I do want ya. In fact, the truth is, I love ya.'

" 'But until today, I thought you'd never feel t'same.

" 'And after you left Atomic Kitten and Spice Girls quit,

" 'I thought us two would become one.

" 'But when you chose Iceland ads over spending time with me,

" 'I realised I had to be cruel to ya to be kind to myself.' "

This is great characterisation.

Great, isn't it? It's sooo good.

" 'Come to mama, Katona.'

"And with that, Mel launched herself towards Kerry,

"and kissed her hungrily on the lips. 'Mmmm.'

"This wasn't quite what Kerry was expecting,

"but she went with it.

"Kerry sucked on each breast like they were discount doughnuts."

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, I do love a bargain.

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, my God.

I'm never going to look at Mel again.

God. This writer is a genius. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. Discount doughnuts is...

"She sucked on each breast like it was a discount doughnut."

GROANS

"Mel returned the favour, ripping open Kerry's V neck T-shirt

"and gently licked her from collarbone to naval,

"to her Ladies Night."

Oh, my God.

"She pulled Kerry onto the judges' podium,

"and slid her paws into Kerry's pussycat. 'Meow.' "

Oh, my God. Phew! It's very intense.

I'm actually getting hot and bothered, I'm not going to lie.

I just need to keep self-caring.

I have to look at it like far away like this

cos I just can't accept what I'm reading.

"They were hot, moist, eager

"and their tongues probed and thrusted as if they were

"the last two people on Earth and a asteroid was about to hit."

SHE LAUGHS

" 'Viva forever,' screamed Mel in ecstatic delight,

"and then it was done.

" 'Wow. We were just incredible, weren't we?'

" 'Uh...' Kerry hesitated,

"looking away before muttering, 'Sure.'

"Because the truth was, Kerry wasn't sure.

"It was unbelievably exciting

"to know the identity of her mysterious lover,

"but MB IRL had left her a little deflated."

What's IRL?

Ireland, is it?

Yeah, uh, you know, on an Irish car you have IRL.

Right? Is that right?

I don't understand...

MB IRL. MB Ireland?

MB... Hang on. Doesn't it mean "in real life"?

Ooh!

That's cos we're getting old. We don't know anything.

In Ireland.

BOTH LAUGH

OK. I was really hoping for the Irish accent to come in.

IRISH ACCENT: Top of the morning to ya.

Oh, there we go.

"As the cacophony of confusion

"swirled round her still slightly tender skull,

"Kerry felt a familiar tingle close to her buttocks.

"Her phone was buzzing next to her."

Where the hell have I kept this phone this whole time?

In your gusset. Bloody hell.

" 'I've got the key to your cage

" 'and it's nearly time to set my little bird free

" 'so we can fly together.'

"She looked across at Mel, who lay there,

"hands behind her head,

"blissfully looking up in a sex-satisfied daydream,

"then, back at her phone.

"Mel B was clearly not typing."

GASPS

The plot thickens. She's just give Mel one for nothing.

Pffft.

"Kerry stared, frozen in confusion.

"If Mel B wasn't MB, who was?

"And in that moment, from backstage, she heard it.

"The dulcet tones of a man she'd just dumped only minutes earlier.

" # Mysterious boy Oh, boy, who, is he? # "

Like your freestyling.

"She felt frozen." You said it.

" 'Mysterious boy,' she whispered to herself.

" 'Of course, Mysterious Boy. MB-MB.'

"Pete emerged from behind the stage curtain,

"and their eyes locked.

" 'Pete, forgive me,' she said, throwing herself at him.

" 'I was wrong. There is no-one I want more than you.' "

This girl can't make her bleedin' mind up. I know.

Mind you, I am the same. Mind you, it is me.

"Pete was confused but happy.

"His meaty didgeridoo became slightly aroused."

Oh, hang on. I think we're gonna get some action from

the didgeridoo now. Just buckle up.

" 'But I thought you wanted me?'

" 'Shut up, Mel. All I want is my MB, my mysterious boy.'

"Kerry shot back. SHE WOLF WHISTLES

" 'Oh, Kezza,' Pete purred, before their lips met

"and their bodies collided

"in the most romantic and erotic kiss either had ever had.

"As they sucked face..."

Sucked face. Uh, it just sounds gross.

Sucked face.

"As they sucked face,

"at first Kerry didn't notice her phone buzzing

"at the edge of the grand piano."

Don't tell me there's a third person.

Oh, my days. Bloody 'ell.

"Kerry dragged her lips off Pete's

"and looked at her phone.

"Her eyes quickly widened like a goldfish drunk on Red Bull.

"Another message. 'Wrong again, my masked booby.'

That's a bird too, readers. "If Mel..."

Can I just say? This is genuinely really exciting.

Eh, I can't wait to find out who MB is.

I really wanna know who MB is. I do.

" 'If Mel B isn't MB, and Mysterious Boy isn't MB,

" 'who the heck, are you?'

"She shouted into the near empty auditorium.

"It was time to reveal themselves."

Oh, this is getting gripping now. Come on.

Who is it, who is it, who, is it? Come on. Come on.

"It was time to reveal themselves.

"MB stepped out from behind

"the now very used red velvet curtain.

" 'It's Melvin, baby.'

"as he stepped onstage like a proud peacock,

"ready to impress his mate."

I can't believe its Melvin Odoom. That doesn't make any sense.

Well, his name is Melvin Odoom, so it should be MO.

MO. I... Well, I think so.

"Kerry was startled. Pete looked confused.

"Mel B was still sulking.

" 'But how do I choose?' she whined seductively, bottom lip pouting."

Hang on.

"She whined seductively, bottom lip pouting."

" 'But how do I choose?' "

D'you like that, did you?

If that does not get you onto the cobbles,

my name is not Mel Gazodadoiyc.

" 'No need to choose, my little dove.

" 'This nest is big enough for three.'

"He spoke softly, cupping Kerry's face with his right hand

"and then Pete's with his left hand.

"And the three of them locked lips in a kiss

"that defied the abilities of most human bodies.

"Soaked in their sexual bliss,

"none of them heard the rumbling clatter above their heads

"until it was too late.

"Kerry, Pete, Melvin looked up

"just as the entire stage lighting rig came crashing down."

LOUD CRASH

BUZZING

"This time, three worlds went dark.

"The end."

You're dead.

Oh, hang on. We've got more.

"At the side of the stage stood Scary Spice."

Oh, wow. Fuckin' knew it. I knew it.

"In her hand she held aloft a pair of scissors,

"the shredded rope that held the lighting rig in place

"dangling beside her.

" 'Know this, Katona. You can't Say You'll Be There,

" 'then Spice Up Your Life without me.

" 'If I can't have ya, nobody can. So, goodbye, my friends."

EVIL LAUGH

"The end end."

SHE LAUGHS

It says, "The end end"?

That's why I said, "The end end."

BOTH LAUGH

What I want to know about the end end is

was it your end end or did you actually survive?

You can knock Kerry Katona down but you can't keep her down.

She will get back up fighting.

K squared, you are a life force.

Not to be messed with.

I don't wanna be rude Kerry,

but I have to vacate the seat

because Dame...Dame Judi Dench is coming.

So, if...if you wouldn't mind. You know what, I'll go.

Yeah.

I don't know what we just did, but I enjoyed it.

I'm off. Think I'm going back to rehab after that.

See you later, Mel.

MEL LAUGHS

Let me out.