Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

It smells like fear.

I've invited six well-known faces...

Ready?

..to my very racy book club.

Oh, oh!

It is getting spicy.

Making me sweat.

Amateur writers have worked with us...

I can't read this!

Wow.

I'm dressing up as a fireman?

HE HOWLS

..to create mind-blowing fantasies...

Whoever wrote this is a g!

..of love...

Urgh!

Quite hot, isn't it?

..passionate liaisons...

I would never do that.

No!

..and unbridled lust.

Oh, no!

There's a limit.

We've used puppets, so you don't have to use...

Viva forever!

..your imagination.

Oh, my God!

So join me for the rudest book club in town.

I just can't accept what I'm reading.

What a story!

And that was just page one.

So, Scarlett Moffatt, welcome to this book club.

Thanks.

It's very exclusive.

That's my middle name, exclusive.

Thanks for that wink.

Yeah. I love that!

She's getting one in early.

That was a real Anne Robinson, that was. Was it?

Yeah. Are you ready?

No, I'm really not!

I've seen you eyeing up the envelope.

Yeah. Yes, it is in there.

Would you like a drink before you open the envelope?

Oh, yeah, I won't say no.

Have you got anything tropical?

Come on.

Now we're in Havana, right?

Not sure that's gonna work... Oh, that's limp.

No, we'll stick... Yeah, no. Well, thank you, though.

The thought was there.

Scarlett Moffatt... Oh, thank you. ..there you go.

I have not read this, OK?

OK. We are both very much in the dark.

OK.

OK, so let's open up.

That sounded rude.

Now, I should just say some of your story will be re-enacted.

Who... By us?

Keep your trousers on. That's fine. OK.

Keep the clothes on. It's a jumpsuit, so it would look weird

if I just kept the trousers on!

Imagine just sitting here with just the top and no trousers!

You keep that jumpsuit very much on... Yeah, mm-hm.

..because we've got some puppets.

The start of all good stories.

Isn't it? Yeah.

Take it away, Ms Moffatt.

Fumble in the Jungle, starring Scarlett Moffatt.

Here we go. Here we go.

"Scarlett opened her sticky eyes,

"blinking as she came back to consciousness."

Feels weird talking about myself in, like...

In the third person. Yeah, in the third person.

It's a bit grand, isn't it?

Yeah. But I'm afraid it's the rule of Book Club.

OK. Mel Giedroyc would like you to start, please.

Thanks.

"Scarlett opened her sticky eyes,

"blinking as she came back to consciousness.

"'What the...' Where was she?

"Using her senses, she sensed..."

That's good.

"..she was in a wood-panelled office.

"But whose office was this?

"Her eyes flicked back and forth as she desperately scanned for clues.

"A large oak desk was covered in knick-knacks."

We're presuming not the crisps.

I love a Nik Nak - who doesn't?

I love a Nik Nak!

"A bear holding a love heart saying, 'Bear-st Friends',

"a mug full of pens with 'World's Second-Best TV Presenter',

"and a reclining...." SHE LAUGHS

Sorry!

"And a reclining nude drawing of a faceless, large-foreheaded man."

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Who is this?

Is it Canon and Ball?

"On the edge of the desk there was a dog-eared film script.

"Scarlett tilted her head to read it.

"Ah-ha. 'Alien Autopsy'.

"'Ah, another believer', she contemplated."

Are you a believer, Scarlett?

I'm a believer.

We can't be the most intelligent life force.

I mean, it would be a worry if we were. It really would.

Is there an equivalent of us somewhere else,

with people doing what we're doing,

ie sitting and reading erotic fiction, as we speak?

There could be a parallel universe where it's actually

we're re-enacting what the puppets are saying.

Oh... You never know, do you?

Fascinating.

You never know. MEL WHISTLES

Carry on.

"'Scarlett, yous awake!'

"She now knew exactly whose office she was in.

"'Dec? Hadaway, man, what's gannin' on?'

LAUGHTER

"Declan Donnelly slowly strutted around the desk into full view.

"He was half naked from the waist up,

"a tartan scarf draped desiringly around his thick neck."

I am so sorry, Ali - cos I'm friends with Dec's wife!

LAUGHTER

And... I'm sorry, Ali!

"A breeze from the window gently teased the corner of the scarf,

"creating a ripple across Dec's chest hair.

"She'd seen that surprisingly muscular body before.

"Stocky and boxy, like a ripped Lego man."

That's a good description. He is a bit like a Lego man.

Yeah. I could imagine him having, like, interchangeable limbs.

And hook...

No? Just he's... No, he's not.

Oh, don't do that when we're reading this! "Ooh!"

"'Where the hell is Ant, man?', Scarlett said.

"'I cannae get yous two apart normally.'

"'Sh!', Dec whispered,

"placing a finger on her perfectly plump lips

"and lightly tugging at his scarf."

I don't like his scarf.

No. Why's he got a tartan scarf? I don't like the tartan scarf.

I also feel... I mean, don't - I love tartan, don't get me wrong.

Yeah. But I don't want to see it on a naked Dec.

"Scarlett's mind further swirled as Dec circled her."

Is he dancing?

I don't know what he's doing.

Why is he circling us?!

"'God, Dec's pecs looked pert and juicy,'

"she thought to herself, her mouth watering.

"His abs were thick... SHE LAUGHS

"His abs were like thick slabs of meat,

"flowing down the front of his body."

It's making me hungry.

Cheese straw? Yeah, should we have a cheese... Thank you.

Go on, my darling. It does makes us a bit hungry.

"The air between them was electric.

"For a moment she felt that same spark fly between them."

So you've got previous.

"The fizzling truth was they had history.

"A string of secret trysts they'd never told anyone.

"Not even Scott knew."

Scott is my boyfriend. Scott's real, not fictional.

No, he's real. How's he going to feel about this?

He'll be foaming. Excellent.

They're complete opposites of each other

because Scott's six foot four, and Dec's...

..not. Four foot six?

Yeah!

"It all began in the Australian outback...

SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

"..when she'd been crowned Queen of the Jungle.

"There'd been an intimate, illicit encounter.

"She and Dec had sheltered from a freak tropical rainstorm

"in the bush telegraph." OK!

I didn't see that coming, you know?

OK.

"Ant had constipation from the foreign food

"so was occupied elsewhere,

"and so for the very first time she and Dec had been alone."

Now this is where they've slipped up here... Right.

..because if Ant was poorly Dec would be by his side.

Really?

100%. They're soul sisters.

Love that.

"It was hot, it was steamy.

"But there, alone, she could resist no longer

"and she leaned down to kiss him."

Urgh!

That's disgusting!

"He had pulled away at first

"but then he leant in, kissing her hard,

"on the lips, and then all over her body.

"Dec had been like a man possessed

"as he munched on her breasts"!

I hope it means me chicken breasts from the canteen!

"Nibble" would be better.

Yes, I'll take a nibble, I'll take a nuzzle. Yeah.

I'm quibbling. They're trying.

"Quibbling" is good. Oh, that's a good one!

"Quibble on your breasts." Oh, yeah.

I'll take that.

"The jungle creatures and sounds came alive around them..."

VARIOUS ANIMALS CHIRP AND CALL

"..as they melted into each other,

"their low moans absorbed by the wilderness

"for three and a quarter minutes of angled doggy bliss together."

I see Dec like a big brother type figure. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

So this is actually, like, making me feel weak in the stomach.

Yes. It's another dimension to the friendship.

"But since then, Dec had always let her down.

"Promises of just the two of them, but no -

"Ant had always been there.

"She had vowed never again to fall for Dec."

SHE GIGGLES

"'Sit,' Dec said, indicating the chair opposite his desk.

"She sat.

"'Scarlett Sigourney Moffatt, you're a Queen of the Jungle,'

"Dec said. 'You've proved that yous can withstand starvation,

"'torture and prolonged exposure to minor celebrities,

"'and I need yous to return to the jungle for a mission with me.'"

It's getting tense, isn't it? It is tense.

"'This is what you do. It's all secrets and lies.'

"Scarlett spun on her heel, ready to leave.

"'Scarlett, please don't leave. I know I've made promises

"'I couldn't keep before, Scarlett. But this time,

"'you have to trust me.'" What's he going to do?

"Dec slid behind Scarlett."

OK, the word "slid" is... Disgusting. Yeah, there we go.

"She let out a sigh as he brushed his bountiful package..."

MEL SNORTS "..against the back of her thighs.

"Dec swiftly grabbed a chair and climbed up to Scarlett's ear."

Oh, now, he's not that small! He's tiny.

You're making out like he's a Borrower!

SMOOTH JAZZ "'Do you trust me?', he uttered?

"She took Dec's index finger and sensually licked it..." Hmm.

"..feeling all the ridges, knuckles and webbing with her tongue."

Now... Webbing? Webbing.

Is that that bit?

Yeah. Does he have webbed fingers?

No, he doesn't have webbed fingers!

Webbed feet?

No! No.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, he's gonna howl at this.

"She instinctively caressed his manhood.

"Dec slowly rested a framed photo of Ant in his Christmas jumper

"on the desk, face down,

"pulling Scarlett into a deep, animalistic kiss."

This is honestly knocking me ill. Is it?

Yeah, like, I just feel like I'm gonna really struggle looking...

To looking him in the eye? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm never going to be able to not say,

"Have you got webbed fingers?", when I next come across...

That's going to be my problem. But anyway...

"Scarlett's legs were weak as Dec's tongue brushed against her own.

"It caressed and teased, deeper and deeper,

"the heat moving through Scarlett until she felt

"a stirring down below."

What?

A stirring down below.

Like a sickly feeling?

No, I think it's more of a...stirring. Stirring.

I don't think I've ever been stirred.

Shaken?

No, don't think I've ever been shaken or stirred!

Crack back in, Scarlett.

"'Scarlett, it's time for the mission.

"'Are yous in?', he asked with a final nipple lick.

"'I'm always in yous,' Scarlett responded, in spite of herself.

"'But where is Ant?', she questioned for the second time.

"But Dec said nothing as he pulled his ex-lover swiftly from

"the room, into the unknown."

Where's it gonna go next?

It's gonna go very bad.

I've got a hotline to the puppets.

Cheers, my lovely. Cheers. Thank you for this.

Aw! Here's to Book Club, eh?

"Whee!

"'Yours is bigger than I remember.'"

So, Scarlett Moffatt, what do you want to happen?

I just want a happy ending. Do you?

I want this version of Scarlett to be happy,

but I don't think I could wholly make Dec happy.

I think he would also need Ant. Yeah, yeah.

I'd give up my own happiness to make sure the boys stay together.

Oh, my God!

I don't think it's gonna end like that. Do you not?

And I think there's gonna be a lot more shagging,

so let's... Let's get back to the business in hand.

"The twin prop plane lurched in the air."

Hang on, we are... Right, OK. Good. We're on the mission.

"The pair were strapped together, ready for their tandem jump.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

"She let out a whoop of delight as they fell."

I would never do that.

Didn't you have to do it, though, to go... Oh, no, I didn't do that.

I went in a canoe with Larry Lamb. Oh, did you?

Yeah, I actually did!

"She let out a whoop of delight as they fell.

"'Wheeeeeeeeee!'"

Nice!

"Scarlett glided them in to land gently.

"'Come on, Dec, so what's the mission?', she yelped

"as she unbuckled herself from the parachute,

"and Dec slowly peeled himself off her back

"and used the tip of his scarf to mop his perspiring brow.

"'I think it's time to tell yous our mission, Scarlett.'

"She swallowed, hard.

"'Finally,' she thought, 'the secret would not be a secret any more.'

"'The mission is to run away together,

"'from everything - the fame, the paps, from Ant.

"'We can live on grubs and kangaroo testicles

"'and be at one with the Earth, with each other.

"'Just me and you, Scarlett and Dec.'"

Also, how are we getting the kangaroo testes?

It's not like you can go down to Asda, is it?

How did they taste?

Mm...

Hard at first. Yeah.

Then gristly. Yeah.

Then, like, mushy. Yeah.

Well done, you, though. Well done. Thanks.

"'Scarlett, will you marry me?'"

Sheer Barbara Cartland. There has to be a marriage.

"'Yous want to marry me?', she whispered.

"Dec nodded. 'But Ant', she asked in a low voice.

"'He's always going to get in the way.'

"'There's only one double act I want to be.'"

SHE GASPS

"'There's only one double act I want to be in -

"'Scarlett. Scarlett and Dec.' 'Is this real?'

"'You canna be serious.'

"She glanced over the grass.

"A tortoise crept towards them,

"something shiny glinting off its back in the lowering sunlight.

"A diamond ring.

"'What's yous' answer, pet?', his voice breaking a bit.

IN A CROAKY VOICE: "What's your answer, pet?"

IN A SQUEAKY VOICE: "What's your answer, pet?"

SHE WHINES You know?

Oh, no, that sounds a bit like a donkey.

LAUGHTER

"She nodded a yes, of course she would marry him,

"and her gaze fell on his lips.

"They were dry, dusty with the heat,

"but Dec's own tears quickly quenched their thirst."

Yes, it's very emotional, this. Very emotional. Isn't it?

It's quite heart-warming.

"'Dec,' she gasped.

"'Scarlett?', he asked,

"but he was already following her pointing finger

"to a shadow lurking in the undergrowth.

"Scarlett and Dec leapt to their feet to hide in the bush telegraph.

"They closed the door and were plunged into total darkness.

"'Are you sure this is the best place to hide?', Scarlett worried.

"'Shh, pet, calm yourself', Dec breathed.

"'I'm here with you.'

"She squeezed his petite palm, terrified.

"But now, in here, alone with Dec,

"just like the very first time, danger was forgotten."

He does make you feel safe, Dec.

Yeah. Like, when you're on screen, you know you're in safe hands,

not necessarily safe small hands, just safe hands!

Or safe small, webbed hands.

But safe hands. SCARLETT LAUGHS

"The moment he touched her, it was like all the air had been

"sucked from the room.

"'Your nipple', Dec whispered,

"'Your nipple is standing like a soldier

"'guarding a mighty fortress.

"'A woman is like that, a fortress men should be proud

"'to be allowed in through the gates to treasure

"'and envelop the beauty held within.'"

I love that.

He's a sort of romantic hero on a horse, isn't he?

He is, but he is just talking about we're having a nibble on.

That's true, and he is still wearing the tartan scarf.

I know. Why has he not taken it off?!

It's annoying me, that.

"'Wow', Scarlett thought.

"His tongue encircled and swept over each nipple."

He's a breast man, isn't he?

He is. Can I just say I love the way you say "nipple"?

Nipp-il.

I love it. It's just brilliant.

"She didn't get a chance to admire the bulge as it came free

"from his pants. But his hot heat made itself known,

"snaking towards her."

Is this his... I think so.

"Scarlett inhaled deeply,

"her hands basking in the glow of Dec's python."

Yes, it is, definitely.

Is it, or is it an actual snake? Cos we're in the jungle, aren't we?

I think it's erotic fiction, so chances are it's gonna be...

OK. It's gonna be... It's gonna be Mr... Mr Dec.

I can't believe I said that.

"'Dec, yours is bigger than I remember,

"'not in stature, obviously, but your snake...'

"Scarlett ran her finger up the length of it,

careful not to not scratch his shaft with her shellac."

Yes, I don't know if I like that image of a...

..of a nail going up.

And, also, it means that she's stroking it like that...

..if she's scared not to scratch it with her shellac.

Hang on, it's up the length of it, so it's going inwards. Oh! Isn't it?

But surely you'll be doing that, then, wouldn't you?

Hmm.

"Dec groaned.

"'Mmm.' He was getting very sweaty.

"'I wouldn't want you to overheat,' Scarlett worried,

"gently gripping the scarf, ready to unwrap him."

Thank God. Yes!

Thank you. We can lose that scarf and we never need

to think about it ever again. Oh, I hope so.

"Suddenly, Dec gripped her wrist.

"'No.' He jumped at the sternness of his own voice.

"'No,' he said softer.

"'It's my security scarf. It makes me feel safe.'

"Pushing on, Dec pushed his tongue into her navel,

"teasing as he moved further south until he reached her

"mound of Venus.

"Scarlett was ready for Declan's anaconda.

"Urgh," groaned Scarlett in preparation.

Do that again. What was that noise?

Urgh. Urgh?

U-R-G-H. "Urgh"?

Urgh... Urrrgh.

"Outside, their groans echoed through the jungle.

"'I need to feel you, pet, feast on your sweetness,

"'lap up yer love,' Dec whispered inside their sex box..."

SHE CHUCKLES

"..as he slipped inside her sex box."

MEL SNORTS

But nice repetition of "sex box" there.

Yes, it is, actually. Yeah, nice repetition.

"She lowered and raised herself on the pint-sized presenter's

"mammoth reptile member.

"Faster,

"then slower,

"then fast again.

"Ready for her explosion,

"her body arched in pleasure as she erupted.

"He did too, yelping with the joy of more than one man peaking."

Sorry! No, no, I'm loving it.

"Theirs was a stream of beauty like the lava of

"a mountain sharing its treasure.

"Suddenly... RATTLING

"..the door of the bush telegraph was roughly ripped off its hinges.

CRASHING

"A shadowy, toned figure standing there instead."

Who's that?

It's got to be Ant, isn't it? Do you think?

I think so.

"'Well,' the figure sarcastically sighed.

"She shook her head in disbelief as she instantly recognised

"the deep brooding voice. This wasn't a monster.

"This was her A-list celeb best friend.

"It was the action movie actor Tom Hardy."

DRAMATIC MUSIC

What? Do you know Tom Hardy in real life? Yeah, no, I do.

I was at Alan Carr's Chatty Man. Oh, yeah.

And I'd just come out of the jungle and I was there,

and I was all very new to TV.

Then his agent came over and was like,

"Oh, can Tom please have your number?

"Like, him and Charlotte would love to take you out."

And so then he texted me and because my mam had, like, text me

as well, so my mam and Tom Hardy were at the top of my list,

I took a photo of myself and said "My outfit",

and sent it to Tom by accident. Oh!

And I thought, "That's our friendship over."

And do you know what he done, what was so nice,

because I put, "So sorry - that was meant for my mam",

he took a photo of himself in the mirror and said,

"Sorry, that was for my mam too." Aw. That's how nice he is!

Hardy is Softy. Yeah, Tom Softy should be his name.

"'What you doin' here, Tom?'

"'I've been shooting a movie nearby.'"

Now, his voice, he's more... IN A DEEP VOICE: He's a bit...

He's a bit gruff, actually, isn't he? Yeah, he's a bit...

"'I've been shooting a mo...'"

Oh, no. I don't know what accent that was!

That was Johnny Vegas.

"'I've been shooting a movie nearby.'

Yeah, that is more Johnny Vegas, isn't it?!

I don't know how to do Tom Hardy. No, I like it, I like it.

Keep it going. I like that.

"'I've been shooting a movie nearby about an ex-firefighter

"'sent into the jungle on a mission to save the planet

"'by finding a rare koala.'

"As the director had shouted 'cut' on set for the day,

"Tom had smelled something he hadn't smelled for months."

What was it?

"The unmistakable essence of the woman who played on his mind

"every day - Scarlett Moffatt.

"Tom suddenly lunged at Dec.

"Scarlett flung herself to Dec's defence.

"'Tom, why ya tryin' to batter him, man?', she shrieked.

"'Scarlett, he's..." Hang on.

IN DEEPER VOICE: "'Scarlett, he's a master manipulator,

"'a tiny troublemaker,' Tom shouted.

Good.

"'You see, Dec tried to get me into I'm A Celeb 2024.

"'I told him I didn't need to be King of the Jungle

"'because I'd found me Queen.

"'I told him I wanted to run off with you,

"'that I wanted to propose with a tortoise

"'and live off kangaroo penis together for the rest of time.'

"'You what?!'

"Scarlett was more than a little stunned.

"'You stole the love of me life, Dec.

"'You already have Ant, ya greedy bastard,' Tom scoffed."

MEL LAUGHS There's no need for language

like that, though, is there?

I know they're angry but there's nay need to

bring the B word into it.

I love the way you think that's rude.

After all that we've read, Scarlett... Yeah.

..that's the thing that's really hopped out. There's just no need

for profanity, is there?

"In that moment Tom launched himself once more at Dec

"and they fell to the floor,

"a cloud of dust rising as two heavily-muscled bodies rolled

"and writhed in pathological sweat and rage.

"Scarlett jumped in to tear them apart,

"but as she did so her perfectly manicured nail caught

"the edge of Dec's scarf and pulled it loose from

"his now scruffy shoulders.

"'Aargh!'

BOTH: "'Aargh!',

"Tom and Scarlett both screamed in unison, for there,

"on Dec's now exposed shoulder, was a tiny, finger-sized Ant McPartlin."

Oh, my days.

I really did not see that coming.

Hiding in the scarf?

It makes sense now. That's why it was his safety.

That's why we had the ruddy scarf all the way through. Yeah.

I thought it didn't make sense.

So he's got a little... Sort of like a Jiminy Cricket on his shoulder?

Yeah.

SQUEAKY VOICE: "Howay!", he pipped.

No, it'd be really quiet. QUIETLY: "Howay!" Yeah.

Wouldn't it? "Howay."

"Dec stood there baring all.

"'Tom's right about everything,' Dec admitted.

"'I did steal his dream.'

"'Why is Ant on your neck, man?',

"Scarlett understandably questioned."

Yeah, that is what's on everyone's mind here, isn't it? I mean...

"'Is that thing real?' Scarlett pointed shakily to

"the miniature Ant on the diminutive Dec.

"'Wey aye,' tiny Ant squealed.

"'He's entirely real, Scarlett,' Dec chirped,

"looking fondly down at Ant.

"'You see, Scarlett, the truth is

"'I could never be truly Ant-less, and last year, in Wales,

"'when we were abducted by aliens, we saw an opportunity

"'and agreed to be experimented on to become one.

"'Now we really are inseparable.'

"Finally, everything made sense."

Really?

Well, I think now nowt makes sense in this!

"Scarlett shook her head.

"'You should've told me.'

"Dec cast his eyes down to the dusty floor,

"just as little Ant did the same.

"They felt ashamed.

"'Won't yous still have me?', Dec whimpered.

"'Have us,' pipped...

IN SQUEAKY VOICE: "'Have us!',

"pipped Ant. Scarlett turned to Tom, then back to Dec.

"'Dec, I will always love the memory of us,

"'but ever since our entanglement in Disneyland Paris

"'I have longed for Tom.'"

I did actually go to Disneyland Paris with Tom Hardy.

Oh. That's where that comes from. Ah, did you?!

Yeah. Just in case you were like, "What?!"

"'So I must follow me heart and follow him.'

"Tom and Scarlett bounded off into the distance through

"the dusky sunrise, towards forever. The end."

The end.

Scarlett O'Hara Moffatt... SCARLETT LAUGHS

That was so much more than I thought it could be.

I feel tired now. That's been an emotional roller-coaster, that.

Hasn't it? I need to just lie back and think of the tartan scarf

and what that symbolises, and how big Ant's clothes would be

if he was tiny, finger-sized Ant.

Just little things that are worrying me a bit.

Oh, she's gone to sleep. Great.

IN HIGH VOICE: "I'm tiny Ant."

THEY LAUGH

"How are you, pet?"

Subtitles by Red Bee Media