Original subtitles

What the hell is going on?!

Good morning, good morning. Breaking news just in.

The men have surrendered

to the Housework Action Group's demands, and...

the Verderer, whose whereabouts are uncertain,

has suffered a vote of no confidence.

Women can now claim monthly chore benefit, thanks to Janet,

- who has ring-fenced funding. - Well, it-- it'd better not be

from the cheese-eating- competition coffers!

The mandatory men's training with Pig Man and his cloth

can now begin.

It's an historic victory for the women.

And though the strike may be over in our community,

it's only just beginning in others.

Stationers from Gloucester to Bristol have run out of ledgers

as the Housework Action Group's membership swells.

Progress has been made, but the strike brought out language

that should have been consigned to the history books.

Have you ever been called a witch?

And if so, why? Sheila's on line one.

The husband called me a witch, Joy,

just for laughing at him last winter

when we climbed up Snowdon

and his todger went up inside him.

Well, we can't win, can we, Sheila?

Wendy is on line two.

My old boss called me a witch, Joy,

just for telling him to make his own fucking tea.

Drown and we're innocent,

float and we're guilty, eh, Wendy?

What image comes to mind when you hear the word "witch"?

Linda Jane--

Seems to me a witch is just a woman

who knows her own power.

Let's all be witches.

Huh?

Huh?

Do you know what this is... Verderer?

Well, one of your bloody lesbo-dominatrix,

sex-torture implements, I-I imagine.

God knows whose mouth this has been in!

It's called a scold's bridle.

Well, if I get mouth herpes,

I'll be suing you, Agnes Watkins!

You know men used to put women in this years back

to silence them?

If they thought they spoke too much or too strongly.

Yeah. Called them witches. Paraded them round the streets.

You are a stain on Feythur's legacy.

- You ain't gonna use that. - Ain't I?

Man or fish, Verderer.

A head is a head.

And I've bashed in a lot of heads.

- Mm. - Mm.

Ow!

Aah! My verruca!

Aah!

- Does he remember anything? - No. Just told him a pot fell.

- Um... - Yeah.

I haven't really had a chance to talk to you,

but, uh, thanks for inviting me last night.

It was really special.

And, um, there's something else.

The mother tree.

She's grown a shoot.

Mm. Cycle of life, eh?

Yeah.

I think we should celebrate.

Water! Water!

Yeah. We-- Actually, we should get Verderer to sing, right?

He's got a beautiful voice. Made himself cry once.

He was on "Stars In Their Eyes" years back.

But after Gary Glitter got arrested,

they just buried the episode, you know?

I think we should just keep it simple.

Mm.

But he should be there, though.

Do the honours, then, Linda.

So, you had it.

Well, don't expect the £100 reward.

Hardly bedtime reading for the Eel Sisters.

You have no right talking about Feythur.

Well, I do, actually, what with him being my dad and all.

You may be his biological child, Linda, but...

...Feythur chose me.

He loved me more than his own flesh and blood.

He left me his book, didn't he?

He'd be proud of me right now.

On the whole.

Gotcha. Oh!

Wow.

So, truffles evolved to have that pungent odour

so that they could be smelt through layers of soil.

Exactly.

So that the boar can find them.

Because the truffle wants to be found

and eaten and shat out-- to reproduce.

So... once a truffle is dug up and eaten, its work is done.

That's right.

The cycle is complete.

Imagine being so in control of your own destiny...

...so sure of your purpose in life.

No truffle has ever lost its identity...

...had a midlife crisis...

feared the ageing process...

...compared itself to younger truffles.

Being young isn't the best part of life.

And... being older isn't the worst.

They're just... different stages of the cycle.

Yeah, but being younger is much better, Linda.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

I coughed yesterday and did a little wee.

Well, look who it is.

The Verderer has arrived, which means I'm out of time.

So let's hope that today marks the beginning

of a more harmonious period between the sexes.

Oh.

Bad night, Verderer?

Good morning, good morning, good morning!

The strike may be over, but the war rages on.

Who's with me?!

Huh? Ah.

Uh, let's go to line one.

Line one. Hello.

Let's get out of here, eh?

Line t-- Line two.

Line two! Hello. You're on the air.

Apologies about this, gents.

We seem to be having technical problems with the lines.

Line three?

Line three, please.

Line three.

Back after this.

- Oh. There we go. - Mm!

Thank you.

To the mother tree.

- Mother tree. - Mother tree.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Cheers.

You know, we've been piecing things together,

and we realised that our meythur left because of your meythur.

- Oh? - I mean, out of all of them,

she was the only one what really made him laugh.

Meythur made peace with the sex,

but, of course, Feythur had shagged half the town.

No, the two of them laughing together,

that felt like the real betrayal, you know?

Echoing round the forest.

Mm.

Sorry. That must have been... very difficult.

It was.

Christ, you swallow loudly, Linda.

Yes. Apparently so.

Right. Gonna get down to the stump.

- That was weird, right? - It was a bit loud, yeah.

Should get that seen to.

Linda?

Yeah?

It should have clicked when I saw your smile.

You've got his wonky smile and his wonky gait.

Would be easier to find out who wasn't Feythur's child,

- wouldn't it? - Hm.

Don't gloat, Joy, please.

Come to the mother tree celebration, Jim.

No.

Ryan's got a surprise for you.

- For me? - Have a think about it.

Thank you.

Everything in this forest... started like this.

And this started beneath our feet...

...on the ground,

the fungal networks weaving their magic through the soil.

♪ Free from your past ♪

Every living thing has a natural life cycle.

And every living thing dies.

And that's the natural order.

And we fear it.

But we can learn from the mushrooms and try to embrace it.

Live a life of purpose, like truffles.

We mourn endings.

But we must also celebrate new beginnings.

May all your transitions be joyful.

May all your transitions be joyful.

♪ ...with visions untrue ♪

♪ But I own a photograph ♪

♪ You lay there naked upon your back ♪

♪ Safe in a stone house by the sea ♪

♪ There's nothing true, and nothing's real ♪

♪ But I remember one clear feel ♪

♪ Warm beneath your gentle company ♪

D-Do you think the soul is a solid--

you know, like an organ?

Like a liver or a spleen?

Or is it... is it like a gas?

Like gas?

Oh, I-I don't think I'm the right person

to ask about this sort of bodily thing, Tone.

I've only just found out that I wee through my urethra...

...and not my... you know.

A-Anyway. Sorry.

Why did you want to know about the soul?

Oh, 'cause I've been reading that Desmond Morris, yeah?

And he reckons a man's soul is located in his testicles.

- Really? - Right?

And a woman's soul is located in her ovaries. Right?

And we become immortal by reproducing

and passing on our genes.

- Right. - Mm-hmm.

Desmond Morris from "Animal Magic"?

No! That's Johnny Morris.

- Did he have a chimp? - They both had chimps.

"They"?

Desmond Morris, zoologist. Right?

- Right. - Who had a chimp called Congo

that was also an artist, right?

And Johnny Morris presented his TV show from a zoo.

And he had a chimp that was his friend

Sorry. H-hang on.

There's-- There's two blokes called Morris...

Yes.

...whose jobs both have the word "zoo" in them.

Yes.

And they both had friends who were chimps.

That's right.

I'm struggling with this.

Menopause.

I don't know nothing about the menopause.

- Well, you should. - Mm. Don't affect me.

- Do you know any women? - I know plenty of women.

Well, then it does affect you, doesn't it?

What?

The thing about Desmond Morris, right?

If he's right and the soul is a solid-- right?--

Mm-hmm.

...and it is located in the man's testicles...

...I think that I can feel my soul.

Have you got a lump in your testicles, Tone?

No.

Well, if you have, then it's not your soul,

and I'd check it immediately.

Well, that's very generous of you, Linda,

but I think I'll go and see a doctor.

- Unh. - Ah!

Ah. There you go.

I thought you were Grandmeythur's size.

- You look just like her. - Do I have to wear the plait?

'Cause it's really pulling on my hair, and it's really itchy.

Right. Does the rain moan about being wet, Linda?

It's an honour to wear Grandmeythur's clothes

and hair, Linda.

Be disrespectful not to wear the whole thing.

I am honoured. Of course.

Right. Should get going, then, Ags.

Oh. Where are you off to?

Just a few weeks away is all, Linda.

A few weeks? I can't run the café by myself.

H-How do you even catch an eel?

Just use your hands, you daft cunt.

Yeah. Don't worry.

You won't be running this place by yourself, Linda.

No. We, uh, we made a few calls.

Help is on its way, Linda.

What are you laughing at?

I'm not a cunt, actually.

And it'll be mash and mash for two weeks.

- Eh? - Nothing!

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing" ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could wed you ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could bed you ♪