Original subtitles

The scenes at the Eel Cafe last night

was like something out of a Ken Russell film.

It took the fire brigade an hour

to free Derek's penis from a tree hollow.

Poor old John is still in a trance,

mumbling about witches in the wood.

Farmer Beelzebub has been waiting in A&E for six hours

with severely burnt testicles after crawling into a pizza oven

'cause he thought the sky was falling on him!

Agnes Watkins, Theresa Watkins--

call it what you like.

Spiking, drugging.

I call it witchcraft!

It's no coincidence that the spell was cast

on the eve of the Watkins sisters' annual witches supper!

I dread to think what they took from those poor men

for their witches' brew while they were half mad.

Hair?

Saliva?

My apologies. Semen?

Those mushrooms could have been fatal.

Fatal!

Those men could be dead now!

The time for talking is over.

What's needed now is action.

And it's high time I took the law into my own hands.

And mark my words, I will grasp that law firmly

and milk it for everything that it's got

until I get the results I want!

Back after this.

Shut up.

Idiot.

Ryan found these unopen in the cabinet.

I don't need them. I'm feeling fine.

You don't look fine.

It's none of your business, Joy. Not any more.

Come on, Jim. It was never gonna work.

We're too different.

You say potato. I say potato.

The damage you women leave behind.

You can't keep blaming the women in your life.

You using me like a piece of meat

has nothing to do with my mother leaving me

at Leigh Delamere services.

Please take them, Jim.

Not until I've led our men to victory.

I think you crave chaos as a deflection.

Where'd you read that?

Spiritual Guru Digest?

Cod Psychology Monthly?

No. I've had enough of this, Joy.

I need to get on.

The time is 8:30.

Today marks 200 days before Pancake Day.

So that's something to look forward to.

I am a lemon-and-sugar man.

Hm. Here she comes. Something urgent, she said.

What's so important, town mouse?

Well, it's... it's quite a big one, so...

Ooh. Not pregnant, are you?

Oh, no. I'm out the other side of all that now, Tree.

Done the dirty with an animal.

No. Course I haven't.

- Was it a muntjac? - A muntjac?

- Not an eel, was it? - I don't know what that is.

You know what?

It-- It doesn't matter. It-- It was nothing.

- Forget about it. - Linda. Linda.

No. The moment's passed.

- It absolutely hasn't, Linda. - It has!

No, it hasn't. Stop being so bloody sensitive.

Come here now. Tell us.

- Come on, Linda. - You really want to know?

- Yes. - Yes, Linda, we do.

So, I...

I'm your half-sister.

Uh, you gonna s-say something or...

But w-what do you want us to say? I-I...

I don't know. Well, what did you say to Ryan?

Nothing. We just gave them a hug.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, no. Let's-- Let's do that later, Linda.

Thanks. I'm dead comfy now, so...

Mm.

No.

I worked it out.

In case you're interested, which you're obviously not.

And I now realise that's why we kept coming here

when I was little.

Not because Mum wanted to spend time with me and Siobhan,

but because she wanted to see your dad.

Our dad.

Right.

Well, that is not how I imagined that going at all...

in any way.

Not quite Danny Dyer on "Who Do You Think You Are?"

but there you go.

Hello, Janet.

Oh, I'm really sorry. Yeah.

No. I'm on my way. I'll be there in 20 minutes.

Panini?

- Mm! - Yeah.

Put some little cheese balls on the side.

Hey. Leave the Eel Sisters out of your witch hunt.

They had nothing to do with the spiking. It was my mistake.

I didn't know my stinkhorn from my hen-of-the-woods.

Mm.

I'm coming for you, Linda Jenkins.

Mm-hmm.

So you'd best be ready, 'cause I'm coming.

- Mm. - Do you hear me?

I'm coming.

Ooh!

You come yet? It's 20 quid, please.

Sorry I'm late, Janet. Something came up.

Lead by example, Linda. That's the third time now.

Sorry.

Oh. Off out?

No. I always wear this when I have a good idea.

The spiking's thrown a bit of a spanner in the negotiations.

- Why? - It's unnerved the men.

But it was an accident.

But the men don't see it like that.

They're saying the experience

has left them feeling violated, humiliated.

Eel-masculated.

"Eel-masculated"?

It's like emasculated, but with eels.

I've... I've, uh...

- I've looked into it. - Mm.

And I think I might be able

to move some money around local budgets.

Siphon it... from elsewhere.

Get the women £85.63 a month.

It's a bit iffy, but what council isn't?

Oh, well done, Janet.

How about...

...mandatory housework training?

L-Like conscription, but for chores, not wars.

Pig Man could lead it. He was born wiping, that man.

We could think of a catchy name for it.

- Clean-scription. - No.

- Pan-scription. - Absolutely not.

- National cervix. - Stop now, Janet.

Agnes and Theresa: Blessing be upon you,

oh, wondrous spirits of the dead.

We honour you on this sacred night,

until you be refreshed and born again in perfect love.

We bid you each a fond farewell.

We bid you each a fond farewell.

We bid you each a fond farewell.

♪ I'll turn into a witch tonight ♪

♪ How did you happen to find me, sir? ♪

♪ Thought no one could see me now ♪

♪ I didn't put my clothes on ♪

♪ The bubble that you left then ♪

♪ I think It's safer than the cold ♪

♪ Not too late to go home now ♪

♪ I'll chew the pill for you ♪

♪ And I'm flying away ♪

♪ But I think I saw some turbines ♪

♪ Turning beneath me ♪

♪ Don't waste your pearls on me ♪

♪ Don't waste your pearls on me ♪

♪ I'm only a pig ♪

♪ I'm only a pig ♪

♪ I'm only a pig ♪

♪ I'm only a pig ♪

All right, lads.

Settle down. Settle.

I'd like to say a few words if I may.

Tonight... we make history!

- Yes! - Yes!

We take back control!

- Yes! - Yes!

We make men great again!

- Yes! - Yes!

♪ Ploughed the ground good for you ♪

♪ Could grow some plants if you wanted to ♪

Hold your nerve.

Stand firm!

Be not afraid.

For victory... awaits!

- Yes! - Yes!

Let's kill the bitches!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Brian. No.

That's not what we're doing here.

Hey?

♪ Broke the zip inside my stomach ♪

♪ Blood dripping down onto the broom ♪

♪ Off the broom and through the sky ♪

♪ Mixed with your tears seeped to the ground ♪

Oh. Has everyone been for a wee-wee?

- Yes. - Yes.

'Cause I'm not gonna be stopping ten times on the way.

- Yeah, we know. - All right? Okay.

Right. Grab your torches and placards.

The women's revolt is over.

Tonight's the night we show them what revolting looks like!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na ♪

Theresa Watkins. Agnes Watkins. Linda Jenkins.

I'm arresting you under the 1603 act

against conjuration, witchcraft,

and dealing with evil and wicked spirits.

- Yeah. - That's it.

We've turned a blind eye to your dead-witches suppers

for the best part of four decades.

Well, I am ending them tonight...

...in accordance

with ancient forest rules

within said hundred of Speech House Lake.

- Tie 'em up, boys! - Come on. Right.

- Who's got the rope? - I ain't got it.

I told you to bring it.

Oh, for God's sake! I mean...

Right. Uh, you-- you may not wish to say something.

Uh, if you, uh...

What is it? Uh, it may harm what you--

Anything you say may be taken in evidence,

so help you God!

Right. Up against the wall, women.

Who's got the handcuffs? Get the handcuffs.

I haven't got them.

What kind of ambush is this?!

- Brian! - Jim-- Jim...

I think this has all gone a bit too far.

- Huh? - This ain't feeling right to me.

I've got the willies.

I think I just got swept up in it all,

but what you're doing here is wrong.

And I can't in good conscience be a part of it no more.

God.

Sorry, ladies.

- You look... - Sorry.

...right beautiful.

- I like your feathers. - Oh, for G--

- Sorry, ladies. - Ugh!

You will be incarcerated for desertion for this, Brian!

Incarcerated! Do you hear me?! Good riddance!

I don't need anyone else

to help restore natural order to this town.

You women don't scare me. I will not be silent!

Lovely. Thanks.