Original subtitles

Come here.

Here.

On no level

was you fornicating with Siobhain next to me,

while I was asleep, okay.

See, I thought I'd lost my virginity at 15, Linda.

But in hindsight,

I think Siobhain took it the other night.

Oh! I'm not having this conversation.

I mean, I know about all this role-play stuff, you know?

People pretending to be firemen, nurses, plumbers.

But dogs?

I-- I never knew you could feel degraded

and liberated at the same time.

But I'm worried that it might come back

and bite me on the bum.

Like Siobhain did.

Please.

Cos them pictures, they're on the cloud now,

out of context.

Are you okay?

I-- I don't think the lice are gonna be enough for me anymore.

♪ Wolf-mother, where you been? ♪

♪ You look so worn, so thin ♪

♪ You're a taker, devils-maker ♪

♪ Let me hear you sing, hey-ya hey-ya ♪

♪ Wolf-father, at the door ♪

♪ You don't smile anymore ♪

♪ You're a drifter, a shapeshifter ♪

♪ Let me see you run, hey-ya hey-ya ♪

♪ Holy light over the night ♪

♪ Oh, keep the spirit strong ♪

♪ Watch it grow, child of woe ♪

♪ Oh, keep holding on ♪

♪ When I run through the deep dark forest ♪

♪ Long after this begun ♪

♪ Where the sun would set, the trees were dead ♪

♪ And the rivers were none ♪

♪ And I hope for a trace to lead me back home from this place ♪

♪ But there was no sound, there was only me and my disgrace ♪

When are you gonna stop all this pointless dick-bashing, Linda?

Aah!

Please, Siobhain.

Do them outside.

That's not very joyful of you, Linda, is it?

Why is it so loud?! It's just nail.

Vitamin B, Lin.

I could dig through frozen soil with these

if I were a bird in winter and I needed a worm.

What are you on about?

Where you going?

Housework Action Group meeting.

Then I'm gonna try out a new vegan mushroom eel recipe.

Housewife Action Group? Mushroom vegan eels?

You are a Guardian reader's wet dream.

And whose wet dream are you? Jim Davidson's?

And have a wash.

You smell like a bin.

Hmm.

"In the latest Ledgergate news,

the Verderer's ill-advised strategy

for the men to withhold sex

until their wives come to their senses

has catastrophically backfired.

The majority of women have enthusiastically welcomed

a period of celibacy and are now rethinking their sexuality.

It's another blow for the men

and not the kind they were hoping for."

The thing is, Linda,

going on strike is all very well in theory.

But the reality is, if the women don't do everything,

stuff is either not done or it's done badly,

and they have to do it again.

And so what the women want to know is,

how does it all end?

They don't want to live in a pigsty.

The kids are getting sick through malnutrition.

School trips and clubs, they're being missed.

And the men?

The men are using the same cloth to do everything with.

oh...

They're not...

They're not even wringing the water out

before wiping down surfaces.

Oh, I can't.

Do you know, nice women don't make the history books, Janet.

My proposals are...

One, all housework and child care

and mental load divided equally.

Two... chore benefit.

Like-- like child benefit, but for chores!

Exactly!

Ah!

Jesus, Janet.

I've had a thought, Linda.

I'm off... to reread section 137

of the 1972 Local Government Act.

- Call me. - Oh, yeah. I'll text you later.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You best have a plan B, Verderer.

The women have gone from

vacuuming carpets to munching them.

I've got a plan B.

And we shall prevail against these wanton succubi.

- Yeah. - Huh?!

These agents of the devil!

Oh, Shirley, I've spilt me pint! Can you give us a cloth?

Get it yourself, you lazy gobshite.

Huh? What? But you're at work. You're not at home.

The strike doesn't apply here.

I am at home. I live upstairs.

Well, this is ridiculous!

Jesus on a stick.

And rinse it and wring it out when you're done.

Right.

Look at her when she's at "home," eh?

Ah. I mean...

It's not that bad, actually.

Mnh.

- Have you warned them? - Warned who?

- The men. - About what?

The vegan mushroom eels.

No, I didn't mention the v-word.

I was vague, said something about a new recipe.

You know, healthier.

Full of vitamins and natural aphrodisiacs and that.

Bit of peri-peri.

See, the problem with the menopause

is that a lot of the symptoms could be other things, right?

So-- So you don't know if it's the menopause

or, you know, something else going on.

I know.

I mean, I don't know if my achy joints

is down to hormones or sleeping standing up.

Exactly. Like, is my murderous rage

due to a lack of oestrogen,

or is it because Colin Cock Face can't pronounce my name right?

I swear to God, Ags, if he calls me "Thuh-resa" one more time,

I'll tape his fucking mouth shut with an HRT patch.

Just put a hex on him, Tree.

Much easier than asking men to stop doing things.

Mm.

Good morning. Good morning.

Uh...

Not feeling great today.

Didn't sleep well.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna head off

to the Severn Bridge to end it all.

You know, not-- not after last time.

I mean, you think they'd let me off the parking ticket,

all things considered.

But, um...

No. No, uh...

No anger today. Just, uh...

Just sadness.

And emptiness.

Very sad and, uh, very empty.

A heaviness. You know?

Don't make sense, does it,

to feel both empty and heavy?

Anyway...

Onwards and upwards.

One day at a time. One day at a time.

Good morning, good morning, good morning.

Ah, the topic for today is, of course, Ledgergate.

Honestly, it's like the plot

of a terrible feminazi lesbo porno movie.

You know?

"Easy Rider" meets "Handmaid's Tale"

meets "The Riddle of the Sphinx."

Now, I don't know about you boys,

but that would...

that would not get me going in any way whatsoever!

Back after this.

Have you heard about Jeremiah's baby?

What, that it came out laughing?

No. The birthmark.

Ahh.

Ah.

Which Watkins ancestor do you reckon

has come back this time then, eh?

Well, hopefully not

great-great-great-grandfather Josiah.

Mm.

Yeah, well, we'll find out soon enough

if the nipper starts eating his own faeces.

Oh, and did you hear that Jeremiah lost the placenta

on the way home from the hospital?

Sally can't bury it.

What, so the baby's not anchored to the earth?

- No! - Mm.

How'd he you lose it, then?

He was pissed as a fart.

Worrying thing is, it was wrapped up in paper

like a package from the butcher's.

Woof. Best avoid the kebab shop for a few days, then.

He's got a serious problem, that kid.

- Oh, yeah. - Especially if it's

great-great-great-grandfather Josiah reincarnated.

Oh!

But he has got the Watkins webbed toes.

Ahh.

Best swimmers in the forest.

Is that a harmonica in your pocket,

or are you just pleased to see me?

I have this effect on men.

They say you're never more than six feet away from a rat.

Well, I'm never more than six feet away from a semi.

Well, it's good to see you, Siobhain.

I'll, uh...

I'll leave you to your privacy.

You're not my type anyway!

I need to speak to you.

I never understood why it was just me with webbed toes.

- Well, I do now. - Eh?

I think that Father might be my real dad.

And you know something, and I know that you do.

Well, I do know that mum was having an affair

with someone down here for years.

But that's all I know.

So he could be my dad, then?

- Did Dad know? - Yes.

So Dad knew and you knew and everyone knew except me.

That explains everything, doesn't it?

Why I felt like an outsider.

Because...

Because I was.

Why didn't you tell me?

- Well, it wasn't my place. - Not your place?!

Well, no, I was a child. It was Mum's place.

And she told me not to tell you.

She said it was our little secret.

You know what mum was like.

She was always pitting us against each other.

You took what you could get.

Love crumbs.

And I resented you.

You were the reason Mum and Dad fought.

What do you mean?

You were a reminder of her deceit.

What about after she died?

Was there no point in the past 40 years

when you could have told me?

I wanted to.

But then, as time passed, it got harder and harder.

I cannot believe that you have known all these years...

...and still been vile to me.

Cos it's not that big a deal, Linda.

I'm not who I thought I was, Siobhain.

None of us are who we thought we were!

Deal with it!

♪ Have you ever seen the rain? ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ Have you ever seen the rain? ♪

♪ Coming down on a sunny day ♪

♪ Yesterday and days before ♪

♪ Sun is cold and rain is hard ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Been that way for all my time ♪

♪ Till forever, on it goes ♪

♪ Through the circle, fast and slow ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ It can't stop, I wonder ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ Have you ever seen the rain? ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ Have you ever seen the rain? ♪

♪ Coming down on a sunny day ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I wanna know... ♪

Thing about these ledgers is,

it's different chores on different days.

I mean, do we have to stick to that,

or can I put a wash on on a different day than she did?

What's this?

The feminist manifesto?

Ohhh.

Right.

I'll be taking this poisonous propaganda,

thank you, gentlemen.

Burn.

Hey, Theresa.

What the fuck did you put

in those vegan mushroom eels, Linda?!

The men are going fucking apeshit! Aah!

Cos I will find you! I will...

Shit.

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing" ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could wed you ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could bed you ♪