Original subtitles

You're 50 now. Any irritability or rage?

Nothing unjustified.

Sounds like the menopause to me, Linda.

I've spent most of my life

putting other people's needs before my own.

But I'm not gonna do that for a bit, and it feels so great.

That's gonna ruffle some feathers.

We're women, Linda. This is what we do.

It's what we've always done.

Who the fuck are you?

She said, "Who the fuck are you?!"

I'm Steve. Linda's husband.

Father to her two children.

But I'm also a man in my own right.

Come on, Linda, let's go.

- Time's up. - My time's not up.

I've only used 40,320 minutes.

You and your bloody ledger!

- Children? - Husband?

- Ledger? - Whose ledger?

Is that jam?

Wow. I wouldn't have put you two together at all.

I've had enough of this shit.

- No, Carm! - No, no!

- Come back! - No way! Just-- no.

- Oh, you've done it now, Linda. - I knew it.

Never trust a lone woman with an abnormal gait!

- Why have you got a ledger? - He just means my chore ledger.

What is it, though?

Well, it's one of these.

- A tree? - No. The trunk. The...

- When it's been felled. - Log.

Yes! Log. Thank you. A log.

Take that cloak off, Linda.

- Hey? - Take that fucking cloak off.

No! I'm still Eel Queen.

Not with two kids, you ain't.

Something's changed.

And it's why I came here.

To find myself.

Oh, what a load of hippy-dippy cobblers.

And you need to find yourself as well, Steve.

I know who I am, Linda.

And it isn't a hippy-dippy cobbler.

Look. I'm sorry, okay? But it was an innocent lie.

God was right. All women are evil!

Oh, did anybody else know?

- Nope. - Nay.

You've gone very quiet, Pig Man.

Cat got your tongue?

Linda's sister popped by and filled me in.

That mouthy cunt with pink jacket?

I don't recall what colour her jacket was.

- Take the cloak off. - Get off me.

Get...

- Ow, ow, ow! - Ow, ow, ow!

What happened, Pig Man?

You were supposed to be standing guard over the tree.

I tried to hold it in.

Hang on. Hold what in?

Oh.

When you've got to go, you've got to go.

Once an Eel has embarked on its final journey,

it cannot return back upstream.

Okay, so...

...my starlings have lost their home

because Pig Man needed a shit?!

I-- I've heard enough of this.

♪ Oooh ooh ooh ooh ooooh ♪

♪ Oooh ooh ooh ooh ooooh ♪

♪ You sound just like a scream ♪

♪ I don't know what you mean ♪

♪ Your witchcraft's all around me ♪

♪ In your ragged pagan scene ♪

♪ You tell me all the ways around my garden that you like ♪

♪ I flow just like a bubble heading for a spike ♪

♪ All is well between the breasts of passenger and slave ♪

♪ We'll never make it out alive to join the witches' rave ♪

♪ Oooh ooh ooh ooh ooooh ♪

♪ Oooh ooh ooh ooh ooooh ♪

Yeah, all right, all right! One at a time, my friends!

- Miss me, sis? - I always do.

Right.

Better fill me in, then,

'cos all the birds were shouting at once.

Who's Linda?

♪ I try to keep all hidden when you come around ♪

♪ Oh, no, the sight of broomsticks sliding on the ground ♪

- ♪ You're levitating something ♪ - Bye!

♪ 'Cos I feel so collectable ♪

Where is she? Where's Linda?

She's still finding herself.

Oh, you gullible dick, Steve.

Not now, Siobhain.

When are you gonna grow a pair, eh?

You cuckold. That's what you are.

- A weak, jam-faced cuckold. - All right.

- You're a big girl's blouse. - Yeah.

When are we gonna see a little bit less of this,

little bit more of this, eh?

- Little bit more of this, Steve. - That's out of order, that is.

Eh? Little bit more of that.

- Those bloody ledgers. - When are we gonna see it, though?

- Leave it. - You're a wet blanket.

W-Who are you?

Who the fuck do you think I am?

Uh, another Eel sister?

Ooh. Well done, Columbo.

Oh! I love "Columbo."

I'm Linda.

Yeah, birds told me who you are.

- Birds? - Word of advice, all right?

Lie to me, A, I will know, B, I'll put a hex on you,

and, C, it will work.

Oh, okay. Can I get past?

- No. - No.

You're an outcast 'til your town trial tomorrow.

- I'm on trial? - Mm. you can sleep in the woods.

Forest rules.

Oh...

This is ridiculous. Y-You can't run me out of town.

This isn't the Wild West.

Glamping is all the rave now.

- "Rage." - What?

She said "rave." It's "rage." It doesn't matter.

Shut up and take that cloak off.

I have told you, I'm not taking it--

Oof!

Oh, aah!

Oh, fuck.

Not again!

You coming or what?

- Good luck to you. - Thanks.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Thank you.

It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Ooh! Very witch trially. Very East Anglia 1645.

Ooh! Where's your hat, Matthew Hopkins?

Who's Matthew Hopkins?

Isn't that Katie's brother?

Okay. Welcome, everyone.

Let's get this trial underway.

It's about time.

Would the court rise for Judge Joy?

Please be seated.

Linda, please place your hand on the forest laws and privileges

and read this card.

"I solemnly declare that I, Linda Jane Jenkins,

shall speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

so help me the forest."

- You may be seated. - Oh.

Linda Jane Jenkins, you are accused of maternal deception,

of lying to the town about your true identity as a mother

and wrongfully accepting the role of Eel Queen.

Yeah, she shouldn't have done that.

We will now hear from Agnes and Theresa Watkins.

It's ringing.

All right.

Let's do it.

Ah. Good morning, Agnes and Theresa.

Good morning, Judge Joy.

Good morning, Agnes and Theresa.

Good morning, Verderer. Good morning, Janet.

Good morning, Agnes and Theresa.

Agnes and Theresa: Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Agnes--

No.

- No. - What have I said?

On July the 13th, at 1517 hours,

during a conversation regarding the rental of the caravan,

did Linda or did she not deny having children?

She did.

I knew it. I knew it.

How?

We asked her if she had any pets or children

and she said no.

Lying bastard.

All right, jumping forward to the festival eve

and a conversation regarding fertility.

Did the defendant at any point say

that she did not have children?

She said that women shouldn't have to explain

if they did or did not have children,

and that she had not met the right person.

Yeah, implication being that her did not have children.

Goodness' sake.

That concludes my questions.

Thank you, Agnes and Theresa.

Thank you, Judge Joy.

Goodbye, Agnes and Theresa.

Goodbye, Judge Joy.

Goodbye, everyone.

Goodbye, Agnes and Theresa.

Cheers, mate.

Well done, sis. Well done.

I understand that you will be representing yourself today, Linda.

Obviously, yeah.

What would you like to say?

Right, well, if people knew that I was married with children,

they would treat me differently,

and they would ask me different questions--

none about myself--

and they would judge me for being a selfish wife and mother.

Oh, boo-hoo!

"Boo-hoo?"

Come on, Jim, let her speak.

You wouldn't get it and never will.

When women get married and have children,

and when we don't have careers and when we don't have something

that's just for us,

it's very easy for us to lose sight of who we are

and what we're doing here.

In 20 years of going to Steve's work dos,

I was never asked a single question about myself.

Not one.

"How's Steve? How's Steve's work?

How's Steve's back?"

And do you know how that makes you feel?

Worthless. And that's what happened to me.

So I decided to cash in some time that I'd accrued.

I'd been keeping a log

of all the household chores that I had been doing.

You know, the-- the invisible work, the emotional load.

And I'd been writing all the time it was taking down in a ledger.

A-and it came to 3.5 million minutes.

Or-- or around six years.

Six years?!

Oh! That's enough!

Christ! We don't want to hear about your bloody ledger.

Can we get this trial back on track, please, Joy?

Let her speak!

I'd quite like to hear about Linda's ledgers.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Do you know how long it takes to shake crumbs out of a toaster?

Three minutes and 12 seconds.

Order! Order. Order.

All right, I think we've heard all that we need to hear.

Please be seated, Linda.

All those in favour of Linda leaving,

raise your hands.

- Hear, hear. - Yeah.

My vote.

That's my vote.

Yeah, yeah.

Put your hand up.

Right. Yep.

All those in favour of Linda remaining,

raise your hands.

- Yes! - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Oh, I get it. - I get it.

All right.

Well, there we have it. 52% to 48%.

Linda remains.

You what?!

Go on, girl!

Linda Jane Jenkins, you may remain on forest soil

until that time that the soil takes you for itself.

- Fucking joke. - The court may rise.

That was stupid.

Thanks to you lot, she's staying.

"Jim, keep the faith. Father."

Oh!

- May I? - Oh.

Go on, then.

Are you okay?

A woman's won a stand-up comedy competition in Cinderford, Linda.

Oh!

I don't think that can be quite right.

Why is that?

Well, some of my mates entered that competition.

- And? - Well...

Go on.

- No, it don't matter. - No. Go on.

Fact is, men are better at telling jokes than women, Linda.

Are they? How's that?

Well, girls don't need to be funny.

So they don't need to start flexing that muscle.

Why don't girls need to be funny?

Girls don't need to be funny to attract boys.

They can just, you know, sit around.

Even the ugly ones.

Boys can't just sit around to attract girls, you know?

We-- we need skills, you know, like--

knocking a bottle off a wall

or throwing a ball a really long way, you know?

Or making our ears move.

- Mm. - Yeah?

What about girls who use humour as a tool

to navigate their way through the world?

Eh?

Well, say she's being bullied or harassed or abused.

Could she use humour as a coping mechanism?

Oh. You know, I suppose she could, yeah.

Mm. And-- and say the girl was just born really funny.

Or say she just loves the feeling of making people laugh.

Or are girls only allowed to use humour to attract boys?

No, of course not. No.

She can be funny for whatever reason she wants.

Oh.

So are men better at telling jokes then, Tone, or not?

No, I-I- don't think they are.

Oh.

I am glad that we got that one sorted out, Tone.

Would you like to see me wiggle my ears, Linda?

I'm okay, thanks.

It's Linda. Linda there.

- Ledgers... - Yeah.

- Linda's ledgers... - Linda's ledgers...

- Ledgers... - Ledgers, ledgers, ledgers...

- Linda's ledgers... - Linda's ledgers...

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing" ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could wed you ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could bed you ♪