Original subtitles

Oh, those are beautiful pastries.

Yeah, right? I got them from this amazing bakery

on Abbot Kinney.

I thought this was a cream puff, but it's got meat in it.

You know how you get your mouth all ready for something sweet,

and suddenly there's ham?

I don't like mouth surprises.

(wood creaking)

Malcolm, is that your floor making that sound?

Uh, yeah, mine's got a few quirks.

(wood creaking)

Son, your floor shouldn't be mushy.

It's fine. It's just a old house, Pop.

Whoa, Marty, no!

What? What?

You cannot go near the fireplace.

What's wrong?

There's a gap in the floor

right where you're standing.

-A gap? -It's a small gap.

-But do not move. -What...

Look, I had to put a rug over it

'cause I didn't want Mama to see it.

So you rather your mother watch her son fall to his death?

CALVIN: Okay, babe,

it's one foot down and just sand.

Yeah. (laughs)

Well, it's not just sand. (clears throat)

it's a family of crabs under there.

Crabs?!

-Daddy, please... -You-you gonna be okay, son.

You gonna be all right.

-You can do this. -Mar-Marty, look at me, okay?

Step towards the plant.

-Come on. -(wood creaks)

Step to the edge of the rug.

Okay, now jump.

There you go. See? Yay.

Get off me. Get off me.

See? Look, we all good.

We are not all good.

When people come to visit, they shouldn't have to

be a American Ninja Warrior to go to the bathroom.

You know what? You need new floors.

Oh, no, no, I can't afford new floors right now.

Well, can you afford a lawsuit?

Oh, please, Marty is not gonna sue me.

-I would sue you so fast! -TINA: See?

Uh, uh, no-nobody's suing nobody.

Listen.

We'll get you new floors.

It'll-it'll be our housewarming gift.

-Yeah. -Whoa, no, no, look, look. Thanks, y'all.

But-but new floors? That's a fortune.

Eh, not necessarily.

You know what? I'm gonna call my cousin Crutch.

Oh, Crutch? That's the one who always has

his shirt off in the Christmas cards?

Yeah, I don't even open the envelope anymore.

We haven't seen Crutch in years.

Look, the point is is that he owns

a flooring company in New York.

I'm sure he can get us the materials wholesale.

-Oh. -Okay.

I'll just call him right here.

(FaceTime rings)

CRUTCH: What up, cuz?

Okay, C-Crutch, could-could you put a shirt on, please?

You called me during my naked time.

Eh... Oh... Okay, Crutch, listen.

Hey, my son Malcolm just bought a house, and, uh,

he needs new floors, so...

we thought maybe you could hook us up.

Of course, cuzzo. I got you.

Well, all right.

I can't believe Malcolm is old enough to buy a house.

It feels just like yesterday you was wearing pull-ups

and eating glue.

Y'all let me eat glue?

Me? No. Your father let Crutch watch you.

You kept trying to open up your little mouth.

It was adorable.

CALVIN (laughs): Okay, well,

a-all right, all right, cuz, thank you so much, man.

We appreciate the help, though. Thank you.

Look, don't mention it. As soon as I place the order,

I'll get on a plane.

CALVIN: A plane?

What-- Why-why you getting on a plane?

It's a long drive from New York.

You know I got banned from Amtrak.

They don't joke around with them quiet cars.

(Calvin laughs, stammers)

You know, uh, Crutch, there's no need

for you to travel all the way out here.

We just, you know, we thought you could just

kind of help us with the materials.

-That's... -Hold on for a minute.

You want the Crutch discount without the Crutch?

No. No, no, man, we want the Crutch.

You know we want the Crutch. We love the Crutch.

MALCOLM: Yeah, we want the Crutch. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, thank you, Cousin Crutch.

No problem, Sticky Lips.

* Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood *

* Welcome to the hood. *

Hey! Sorry I'm late. I'll get dinner started.

Already taken care of.

Wow!

I'm sorry you lost your job,

but coming home to a home-cooked meal is pretty great.

I love having all this free time.

You know, just today

I uploaded all of Grover's baby photos onto the cloud,

I marked all 761 of your unread emails as read,

and I finally canceled that gym membership

we still had in Michigan.

Huh. How can I repay you?

I can think of a few ways.

Mmm.

Can you not?

-Why do you hate love? -We barely touched!

I-I'm sorry. I'm just wiped out.

It feels like I've been silk-screening T-shirts

-for hours. -Ooh, let me see that.

What have we got here?

"Capy time, vibing hard"?

Did you mean for it to say that?

Okay, boomer.

'Scuse me. I-I am not a boomer.

Tom Brokaw is a boomer.

I don't know your friends, Dad.

(sputters)

I guess we're just confused about this shirt.

Well, you're the only one,

because everybody in my class loves them.

I've already sold a bunch.

Oh.

Looks like we have a budding entrepreneur

-in our house. -Mm.

Yeah. I-I just don't know how I'm gonna get

all these T-shirts made and my homework done.

You're in luck, buddy.

I have all this time.

Please, take advantage. Use me.

-R-Really? -Yeah.

That'd be great, Dad.

But, uh, at your age,

are you sure you have the energy?

-At my age? -GEMMA: Uh...

I have got to teach you how to quit while you're ahead.

Morning, babe. I don't know what you're doing,

but this turkey bacon smells like real bacon.

Oh. Yeah, you're smelling my bacon,

because my cholesterol is great.

Oh.

Well, can I rub my bacon on your bacon?

-Ew. -(knocking)

-Don't be nasty. -Ain't nobody being nasty. I'm talking about bacon.

-You're being nasty, you know you are. -You-- No, you were being--

Hey, I'm talking about breakfast, girl.

-I wasn't even trying to do nothing. -(chuckling)

-Hey! -Cuz!

Crutch, man! Wh-What are you doing here?

I told you I was coming.

Yeah, but, uh, you know, I thought you'd tell me

when you were coming.

You know you didn't have to drop everything.

Drop what?

My wife Jeanette been gone five years,

God rest her soul.

Kids are out of the house.

I'm all yours.

-Well... -Oh, there she is!

-Bring it in, sis! Whoo! -Hey! How you doing?

Ooh, you smell like bacon.

-Oh. -Oh, it ain't you.

There is bacon.

Oh.

I'm starving. Do you mind?

No, no, go ahead. Help yourself.

-Mmm. -You already have it

in your unwashed airplane hands anyway.

Hmm.

You know, every time I see him,

I can't help but think about

how much he looks like your brother Curtis.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't see it.

These bacons is good.

I can't wait to soak up some of this L.A. sun,

meet some celebrities.

Oh, before I forget,

here's the receipt to my airplane ticket.

Oh, I'm-I'm paying for your flight?

Yeah, I'm supposed to pay to come fix your floors?

Crutch, this is a lot.

Well, it's a business trip.

That's why I flew business class.

It's in the name.

Where's the commode?

-That way. -Yeah.

-Right here? -Yeah.

-Really, Calvin? Really? -I know, I know.

I know, I know, babe. But, you know,

just think about all the money we'll save on Malcolm's floors.

-Mm. -And just think about it--

I get to hang out with my favorite cousin.

You know, back in New York, man,

we would spend summers there. It'd be such a good time.

And I remember he was just a-- And it was a...

(knocking)

-Ooh, good morning! -TINA: Oh.

Tina, I'm bringing back your Crock-Pot.

Just another way I'm using my free time to help Gemma.

Oh. Well...

Ooh. Are your hands blue?

Oh, yeah.

I'm also helping Grover silk-screen some T-shirts.

Oh, man. Them little soaps are whimsical.

Uh, Crutch, this is my good friend Dave.

Oh, this man right here needs no introduction.

Calvin, have you been talking me up?

David Schwimmer.

What?

Why didn't you tell me you was friends

with a Friend?

Oh, no. Sir, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not-- It's not--

-I'm not-- -Da-David. -Dave.

-Don't bother. -Just go with it. It's better.

See how these boards are all warped?

-Yeah. -That's from salt air.

Your house is too close to the big ocean.

Well, Crutch, it's a beach house.

That's actually considered a positive.

Go figure.

California.

Anyway, I ordered you some oak wood flooring.

But now?

I think that you might want some engineered hardwood.

But don't worry about it-- I'll get it for you at cost.

-Okay, well, that's good, right? -But it might take

a day or two to arrive from the warehouse.

But don't worry.

I have someplace to stay,

and I'll have time to go see the big donut

and the place where Whoopi Goldberg put her dreadlocks

in the cement.

Okay. Well, uh, now that my floors are all torn up,

-I guess I need a place to stay, too. -Mm.

Well, you're welcome to bunk with me at your pop's house.

Uh, you should know that he likes to sleep in the nude.

And go to the kitchen that way, too.

-Hey, Dad. -(chuckles): Hey!

-Are you taking a break? -No.

Actually, I've already done seven this morning.

Oh, that's great,

'cause I just got an order for 24.

Ooh, that's exciting, buddy.

Yeah. Um...

Hey, is...

is this one, uh, for practice?

There something wrong with it?

No, uh... it's fine.

Like, I can tell you were tired, so...

What? Okay, you know, look, I-I can redo it.

Oh, could you? That'd be great. Thank you.

Uh, that one, too.

Hey, Dave. While you're at the drugstore,

I need you to get me some concealer.

Well, I'm gonna need a little more detail than that.

You know what kind of concealer I use.

I'm only vaguely aware of the concept of concealer.

Just get my old one out of the cabinet.

Come on, Grover. We got to go.

Love you. Bye.

This one, too.

Crutch, were you up early watching TV?

Yeah.

I'm on East Coast time.

Well, what was so funny at 4:00 in the morning?

Your boy David Schwimmer on Friends.

He look different.

I think he had work done.

Oh, my goodness.

What the hell, Calvin? It's freezing in here.

The thermostat's at 62 degrees.

I'm a hot sleeper.

You know something? You two have been so gracious to me.

How about letting me make you breakfast?

Who wants some of my famous waffles?

-Oh... -Oh, okay. Well, that's

nice of you, Crutch. Thank you.

It's the least I can do.

-Oh. -Yes.

-Oh, babe, I remember when we were kids. -Mm.

-Crutch's waffles-- fantastic. -(truck backup alarm beeping)

Ooh, okay.

(brakes hissing)

Oh.

Yeah, it's, uh, the delivery truck.

I think the engineered wood is here.

Oh, hallelujah.

Where's your toaster?

You know, I don't think all this stuff is gonna fit.

That's okay.

We can make another trip.

Maybe tomorrow.

Oh, hell no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

No, let's get this done today. I mean,

let's just load up my beautiful Subaru Solterra.

Look, she got all kinds of room. S-See?

Huh. I never pictured you driving a EV.

What is that supposed to mean?

Electric vehicle.

Calvin?

All right, all right, all right.

Come on, let's just load it up.

Yeah, I don't know.

You sure this car can make it all the way to the beach?

Are you kidding me?

With the range on this baby,

I could drive all the way to Mexico.

We should go to Cancún.

Do floors tomorrow.

No. O-Okay, o-okay, how-how about this?

You do the floors today

and then I take you to Roscoe's in East L.A.

You won't know the difference. Okay?

-Deal. -Okay. (chuckles)

Even though they waffles ain't as good as mine.

CRUTCH: Ah!

This is the life.

How many fish you think are in there?

I don't know, Crutch. It's the Pacific Ocean.

How about you come in here and help us

-and we can count fish later? -Yeah.

Malcolm, you owe me for this.

I am not built for manual labor. Ow!

See? Splinter.

-Ow! -CALVIN: Okay, okay.

I'm gonna say two million.

(sighs, sputters)

I see what you were trying to do.

So you don't like 'em?

They're getting better.

It's just...

(sighs) When people buy a Grover,

they expect a certain level of quality.

Okay. Grover, I'm doing the best I can.

I mean, look at my hands. They're all cramped up.

They look like blue claws.

I mean, I get it. I get it.

It's just... (sighs)

These new orders are from juniors.

Okay? So it's one thing to sell subpar shirts to freshmen,

but this...

whatever this is,

it's-it's not gonna fly with the juniors.

Hmm.

Oh. Let me guess--

the concealer's wrong.

Well, it's just the color.

This is frosted linen.

I use almond pearl.

They looked exactly the same.

I have peach undertones.

(scoffs) But it's okay.

It's okay. You didn't know.

(chuckles)

Well, I can only do so much.

Okay, this one's definitely a freshman shirt.

Oh, God.

Oh. What now?

It's fine. It's just I asked you for a shampoo and conditioner,

and you got me shampoo-conditioner.

What am I missing?

The "and."

I'm sorry that your husband is not Vidal Sassoon.

Is that another one of your boomer friends?

I am an elder millennial!

And you are taking advantage of my generosity.

But no more!

(door opens)

I did not mean to slam the door that hard.

But I am still quite upset.

It's like whatever I do for them, it's never enough.

Get the dry cleaning.

Make these T-shirts.

Become a shampoo expert.

So you ran away from home?

No, Tina.

Running away from home is for children.

I stormed out.

Like a man.

Ah, ah! Don't move.

This area is still wet.

Man, I tell you, these floors are solid.

Ain't no crabs getting in here.

Great.

Malcolm, you owe me a mani-pedi.

What? Why am I getting your toes done?

It's cheaper to do the set.

Once all that sealant dries, Malcolm,

you'll be able to Cha-Cha Slide on these floors, man.

-Hey! -Oh, yes!

And look at the time!

Crutch, you are in luck.

You could be able to catch your red-eye.

-Oh. -Yeah.

Flag on the play, guys.

What-what-what flag? What flag?

This ain't gonna work.

-Why? -The sealant was for the original wood.

Look at the streaks.

What streaks? Uh, what streaks?

I don't see no streaks. What?

You can't see, because when it come to floors,

you don't have the professional eye.

But that's okay. It's gonna take a few days.

I'm just glad I'm getting used to your hard bed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

You staying?

-He's staying? -Okay.

All right. Let-let-let me just talk to him.

-Crutch, what's going on, man? -Get on that.

Nothing. The floors, they just not right.

Come on, these floors are beautiful.

And-and when it comes to flooring,

you don't make mistakes.

Not on the East Coast.

But due to the time change

and your house being so hot--

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

I know what this is.

See, this is what you always do

whenever you don't want to do something.

What? You crazy.

Am I?

I mean, you've been doing this since we were kids, man.

This reminds me-- when you were afraid to play tackle football

and told your daddy you had geriatric arthritis.

You were nine.

Fine.

-You got me. -Okay.

The truth is,

been running from my problems,

just like TV's Ross.

You guys, again, I stormed out.

Been married so long.

When Jeanette passed,

just got lonely.

(clicks tongue) Aw, Crutch.

I'm sorry.

I mean, well, what about your kids?

My daughter's in Minnesota.

My son's off in law school.

We don't have what you have here.

I got used to being around family.

Guess I was just trying to make the feeling last.

-Come on, man. We got you, cuz, man. -We're your family.

-You can always FaceTime us. -Yeah.

Yeah, man.

So my floors are finished?

Wrong with you?

Um...

we love you, cuz.

-Yes. -TINA: Yes.

Crutch, you know what, take your time.

-You can stay as long as you like. -Yeah.

Till Sunday.

-Okay, come on, y'all. Let's get out of here. -All right.

No, no, no, no. Not you, David Schwimmer.

You have to wait for that sealant to dry.

How long is that gonna take?

About two, three hours.

All right, now, we gonna see you at the house, Dave.

Yeah, see you later.

You know, your cousin Crutch can be a handful,

but I'm-a miss him.

Yeah. You know, me, too.

And he did save us a few bucks on those new floors.

I just don't know how he managed to spend $300 at Roscoe's.

(chuckles) I do.

This suitcase is full of chicken and waffles.

What?

Hey, Dad.

Um...

Look, I-I really felt bad when you ran away from home.

Grover, I stormed out.

That's not really how it came off.

But...

regardless, um,

I'm sorry I rode you so hard about the shirts.

I was not a good boss.

Son, you were not my boss.

Well, not to worry,

because I fixed my production issue.

Um, I'm outsourcing my silk-screening

to a bunch of eighth graders who will do it for 50 cents a shirt.

Grover, that's, like, two dollars an hour.

Yeah, that's why I didn't go to the math kids.

Dave, I just want you to know

how much I appreciate all you've been doing for us.

And if I haven't said it--

You haven't said it.

Well, I just said it.

Okay, well...

I forgive you.

-Aw. -Can you not?

-How do you think we made you? -It's so normal.

-Hey, hey, cuzzo! -(chuckles)

You ready to go?

-Yep. -(chuckles)

Been fun, but I got to go home.

-Aw. -Need to feed my snake

or I won't have a cat.

Wow!

Lisa Kudrow!

You guys are friends in real life?

-Just go with it. -Oh.

It's been great seeing you, Crutch.

Yeah, you know, I hope it's not so long till the next time.

Well, it doesn't have to be. You know, my son Jake

is graduating from law school.

Y'all two should come.

Oh, my God. To New York?

Oh, yeah. I'm in.

I mean, shopping, Broadway show,

room service, shopping.

-Well... -Oh, my God.

I mean, you know,

I already spent a lot of money

on these new floors, so...

-Oh, come on. -I mean, it's got to be

the most expensive hookup I've ever gotten.

But Calvin, you keep saying how important family is.

Right, Crutch?

Absolutely.

Huh.

I'm gonna go book it right now.

Ha!

See what you did?

You know what?

I hope TSA confiscate every breast,

thigh, and wing you got in there.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org