Original subtitles

- Ready, bro? - Yeah, man.

I'm loaded and bloated!

All right. Okay, man, I just gotta give Cousin Leon

the lowdown before we fly out.

I can't believe you're gonna let Cousin Leon stay here by himself

while we're at the casino.

You're max betting with your store, bro.

No, man. He'll be fine. Cousin Leon, get in here.

What do you need, boss?

All right, man, we're heading out for some cousin bro time.

Oh, we haven't been to the casino in forever.

Yeah, last time I was there, I won 600 bucks playing blackjack,

and I shit my pants.

Now, that is dedication.

I can't wait to win and I can't wait to shit.

All right. So, we're back tomorrow.

You're in charge.

You got it, whatever you need.

All right, man. So, when you lock up,

kill the lights. But more importantly,

put the ayii in the ayii.

The what in the what?

Put the ayii in the ayii.

Say again.

Guy, put the ayii into the ayii!

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Put the ayii in the ayii.

Gotcha. Very important.

All right. Easy-peasy... measy.

Hey,

where can I find ayii?

Uh...

Over there?

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

All right, before we get in there and go all-in, remember,

time out your bathroom breaks at the VLT machines.

You think I don't know that, bro?

You get up to pee and a Kookum

swoops in and steals your jackpot.

Yeah, we can't have that.

You know, I heard, uh,

some people wear diapers, so they don't lose their machines.

What? Diapers are for babies, man.

Yeah, man. Not for grown dudes like us.

That's weird, right?

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking when you said it.

It's weird.

Yeah. It makes me so mad just thinking about it.

But could you imagine, though?

No way, man. If I wore a diaper...

I wouldn't tell anybody about it.

No matter how comfortable they are.

All right, time to lock in.

- Best bros forever? - Best cousin, bro.

Yeah.

(rustling)

Hey, how'd you sleep?

Pretty good. You?

Not bad. How's your day looking?

Big day. I have to record two more videos,

then I have to do a live Q&A for some of my fans,

and then I have to edit and upload.

Oh, I hear that. I got a pretty big day, too.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you know, big, big day of fucking with Lips.

What Lips do?

What do you mean? It's Lips.

I always fuck with Lips.

Oh, okay. Well, I didn't know that.

Yeah, Sophia and Tavis are coming over later for a meeting,

and we gotta pick up some supplies,

lots of planning, you know.

Okay. Well, good luck with that, I guess.

Yeah, you too. Work, am I right?

Yeah.

Another case of the Mondays.

It's Thursday.

Thanks again. And did we have what you were looking for?

Yeah, man.

That's my guy.

Cousin Leon (in mind:) Psst.

- It's me. - Huh?

Can I, uh, help you?

What? You're too good for me now.

- You again? - Yeah, it's me again.

The real you.

- That guy's gone. - Then, why am I here?

Let's destroy this place...

for old times.

That's a bad idea.

You are done with him.

My good side!

Think about Dean.

He trusted you when nobody else would.

He never trusted you. You're just his lapdog.

I am not!

Then, why is there a bowl of water on the ground?

That's, uh, Dean's. I don't ask questions.

He's not your friend, bro.

Don't listen to him!

So, he trusted you, but now, it's time to prove him wrong.

What did you have in mind?

Let's put this dump out of business.

We could run a hose in here and flood the place. No. Too easy.

We could cover everything in honey

and let some bears in. No! That's too hard.

Wait. That's actually a good idea.

No! I'm the good conscience.

It's a bad idea because...

it just is.

(English accent:) Come on, do it!

Shit! It's my bad conscience.

Get out of here!

Whatever you say, guv'nor. Oh.

What are you looking at, wanker?

Come on, Leon, we make a great team,

like Siegfried and Roy.

Good Leon: Ignore him.

Roy got attacked by his own tiger. He's the tiger.

Looks like you're having a hard time making a decision.

Why don't I give you a hand?

(machine chiming musically)

(machines chiming musically)

Man, these machines aren't hitting.

Don't worry, bro, these machines gotta be broken in,

just like rubber boots, they hurt at first,

but you'll be sloshing in the cash.

(machine chiming musically)

Fuck sakes, man!

(machine chiming musically)

Bro, man, you can't put a price on good bro time.

Best bro cousins?

Best bro cousins!

(chuckling)

Come on, focus! On three!

- On three! - Dean: On three!

One, two, three!

(machines chiming musically)

- Tech survey? - Check.

Found the breaker to kill the lights.

Hey, Chickadee? Do you guys mind?

I'm in the middle of a Q&A.

Yeah, yeah, one sec, one sec. Did you get the supplies?

I got enough glue

to stick together every house in Grouse Lake.

Yes.

Uh, you good, babe?

I can't record with all the noise.

Oh shit, that's my bad, but it's gonna be so worth it.

Fucking with Lips?

Totally.

Are you done with your little video?

You should come with us.

I really have a lot of work to do.

Come on. I've seen you at your work.

Come see what I do.

But I have to get this done.

I put out new content every Thursday.

What's the rush? It's only Monday.

(snickering)

Tell him to back off.

Don't listen to him, Leon.

Just give me time to think.

We don't need to resort to violence. Right, Leon?

- I guess. - Evil Leon: Oh.

"We don't need to resort to violence.'

You scared, you little ween?

Cousin Leon: Shut up.

I just can't think.

He's right. It's pointless to fight.

Let's bury the hatchet, for Cousin Leon's sake.

Bring it in.

Oh, that's more like-- (groaning)

(groaning)

- Had enough yet? - (groaning)

- Say uncle! - Uncle!

I thought he'd never leave.

Now, we can get some real work done.

Paul: Come on.

(machine chiming musically)

- (machines chiming musically) - Wow, wow, wow.

Couldn't help but notice you two from across the room.

Thanks, man.

You look like a couple of sweet bros.

Of course we are.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Esquire Esquire, the First.

Wow, a name so nice, they gave it to you twice.

No, man, he's one of those fancy horse jumpers.

I thought you guys were all short.

Nah, you're thinking of a jockey, bro.

Oh, a jockey, like for your nuts.

- Yeah. - Does that pay well?

(chuckling) Yes.

Look at you two. Such playful bro-isms.

So lively and magnetic.

I was drawn to you.

You... were?

You see, I spent so much of my time amassing my fortune

that I've never had time for a bro of my own.

Fortune, eh?

I don't want to get into numbers,

but let's just say it's...

thousands of dollars.

Wow, a real thousandaire.

That's a nice best bro you got there.

Real nice.

- Yeah, we're also best cousins. - (Esquire clearing throat)

I have a proposal for you.

I'm listening.

What if I offered $1,500 to hang with your bro for the day?

Here's a pretty sweet hang.

Hey, you're not some kind of bro-vert, are you?

I just want a good hang. Nothing weird.

And if I have to grease the wheels for that,

I have the means.

Well, I'm not some sort of piece of meat

that you can sell or buy for a quick hang, man.

Yeah, there's nothing meaty about him,

except for those sweet cheeks.

And these sweet cheeks only has room for one best friend,

and he also happens to be my cousin.

Yeah.

- So, what's the prank? - It's epic.

This might just be my Michelangelo.

You mean Sistine Chapel.

Nah, babe. The Ninja Turtle.

He was funny as shit.

- I kind of want pizza now. - Chickadee: Okay.

Shh. Shh.

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)

- (phone ringing) - (exhaling sharply)

Holy heck.

- (snickering) - (phone ringing)

- (phone ringing) - Everything's glued down.

Everything's glued down.

- (phone ringing) - Cool.

(phone ringing)

What the...?

Who's doing that?!

(all laughing)

I'm coming out there.

What's on my arse? Hey! I'll get you kids!

- Here's your dry nachos. - Man, I can't believe

that thousandaire tried to give me 1,500 bucks for my bro time.

- I feel gross. - Dean: Yeah, man.

But you know,

there's probably some deadly perks to that kind of scratch.

How dare you try to sell off my bro-dom like that!

Think of all the VLTs we could lose with that kind of money.

I am getting sick of eating dry nachos.

We can get the supreme ones with cheese.

Man, those are for only sultans and kings!

I'm just saying, man,

it's one day, we could split the cash.

Why are we splitting the cash

when I'm doing all the hanging out?

Because you're my bro and he asked me.

This is free money, bro.

Fine! All right! I'll do it.

Where is this bro-vert anyway?

- I'm right here. - Thousandaire.

This is for you. You made the right choice.

Dean: Be gentle with him, please.

I will.

Dr. Tenderfeather: Aaniin. I'm Dr. Tenderfeather.

Does your significant other prioritize the wrong things?

Waste their potential?

Surround themselves with loafers?

Borrow money because they ran out of child tax?

An eagle cannot soar

with the weight of a mooch on their back.

In this eight-part series,

we'll use the seven sacred teachings

to determine if you are dating a loser.

Hey, babe, what you watching?

(video music stopping)

Hey, uh, what do you want for dinner?

Oh, I can't eat. I'm working on a big art project.

Uh, the paint might have fumes, so maybe you want to head out

for a couple hours, so you don't get dizzy.

Art project? That's great.

Yeah, yeah, no problem. Hey,

it's great that you're putting your energy

towards something other than pranking Lips.

Oh. Oh, do you think I could borrow a few bucks?

The paints are kind of expensive,

and I ran out of child tax.

Child tax?

How do you still get child tax in your 20s?

The government gives it to my mom

and she gives it to her best girl.

I don't think that's how child tax works.

It is. Trust me.

Can't wait to see what you come up with.

Yeah, man. I can't wait to see the look on Lips' face.

All right, what do you want to do first?

The floods or the bears?

I kind of want to fuck with people.

I like it. Start slow.

Grouse Lakers never liked you anyways.

Blue: Aaniin.

Just one for today. Doc says I have to cut back.

Is that all the doctor said?

Yeah. Why?

Because you smell like buttholes and wet onions.

I'm never coming here again!

- That's right. - (door closing)

These are the same people that BCR'd you. And for what?

Yeah, right?

A couple of bad cheques and some upper deckers.

If the health centre can't take a joke,

then why say laughter is the best medicine?

(laughing)

(both laughing)

♪ Don't need no halo in heaven ♪

♪ Just bring a basket for the wings ♪

♪ We got hot dogs and old Jim Beam ♪

♪ A Spanish pipe dream on the box ♪

(Grouse Lakers laughing)

Lips: What's so funny?

Hilda: You! We're laughing at you!

(all laughing)

Stop laughing. Everyone, stop laughing!

Calm your jeet seat, Boston Butt.

We're laughing at your hams.

Lips: Who did this? Tell me who did this

or you're all BCR'd!

Lips are sealed, Lips.

I ain't no snitch.

(laughing)

Chickadee.

Paul: Ahh...

I know it's early on in our bro-hood,

but when you know... you know.

Is that what I think it is?

It's like a best friend's locket,

but it beads us together... forever.

It's so beautiful.

I'm gonna level with you, bro.

I'm looking for a full-time best bro.

Esquire, this is all so sudden.

It seems that way, but I'm tired of ordering

the bro-sized bucket of chicken,

just so the delivery guy thinks I have a friend.

That's no way to live.

I have a one-car garage

and an inflatable pool just waiting to be bro-ed out in.

Do you have lots of pop at your house?

Name-brand pop, all you can drink.

Hmph. Dean has lots of pop,

but there are no name brands at Yeah Man's.

They always leave a funny taste in my mouth.

Dean?

The same Dean who sold you for 15 hundo?

You're worth at least $200 more. At least!

Yeah. He's probably sitting by himself at some seafood buffet.

Hpmh!

That's what I'm saying.

And I don't want to brag or anything, but, uh,

I also lease a certified pre-owned Kia Sorento.

All-wheel drive?

Is there any other kind?

(Esquire laughing)

Listen, pal, unless you got money or a cousin,

you gotta get out of here.

(knocking)

- Serena: Come in. - (door opening)

- Is Chickadee home? - Uh...

Police business. I'll be quick.

Is this about the pants?

Kind of, yeah.

Ooh. Sorry.

I don't know where Chickadee is.

What's this about?

Warning, ma'am. What I'm about to show you

is a little disturbing.

You think Chickadee did this?

It has her name on it, yeah.

You sure that isn't the Chickadee from Sagkeeng?

Very sure.

It's, like, actually good.

The brush strokes are... hauntingly beautiful.

Beautiful, but evil.

- This needs to stop. - I'm sure Chickadee's sorry.

Sorry about the time she stole my cruiser?

Made counterfeit lottery tickets?

Reverse moo'd some toilets?

Catfishing me into believing

I was going to be a backup dancer for Shania Twain?

She-- she did all that?

That's just the light stuff.

Oh.

Chickadee: Oh, hey.

So, what's with the bags?

I don't think you're ready for a serious relationship.

Whatever. This is just a fight. Couples fight, remember?

No. This is a breakup.

You just can't see that you're a brilliant artist,

and it hurts to watch you waste your talents.

But I can make other paintings of Lips. Or other shit.

I tried to be cool about all the pranks, but...

it's just not me.

And...

it's not fair of me to ask you to change.

I'm not just into pranks. I got lots else going on.

Really?

Goodbye, Chickadee.

(door opening, closing)

All right, if we leave now,

we can beat traffic and still catch comedian Kris Kazlauskis.

Cool. He's Manitoba's 18th most popular comedian.

I just gotta call PJ

and make sure they put him down for a nap.

Who's that, your dog?

No, Paul Junior.

You know, Lil' PJ. PJ the DJ. Lil' Peej.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You never said anything about having a kid.

You never asked me.

So, say we're bro'ing down hard,

You're telling me there's a baby just crawling around?

Yeah, but he's a baby bro.

Do you really think that I've amassed

literally thousands of dollars

by wasting my time with babies?

So, you're saying we can't bro down

because I have a baby bro, bro?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Well, guess what? We were never really bros...

to begin with.

Oh... Oh, you're turning your back on me?!

Esquire, Esquire, the First?!

You'll never find another bro like me! Good luck!

What are you all looking at?!

I could buy this whole place...

for half an hour if I wanted to!

(groaning)

Why?!

It's a solid machine. We could sell it easily.

Dean won't need one when they're out of business.

Not so fast.

Good Leon?

But I wedgied you to smithereens.

So you thought. But guess what?

Good always wins...

except for most of history.

Well, there was... No, you're right.

Kind of sad, really,

and that's coming from a real prick like me.

Deep down, Leon wants to be good.

- Is that true? - Well, if it wasn't...

would it be noogie time?

Get him!

It's noogie time!

(groaning)

Say auntie!

Auntie!

Now, put the store back together again before Dean gets back.

- You got it. - And for frig's sakes,

put the ayii in the ayii, like you promised.

Maybe true ayii is the friends we made along the way.

No, that's stupid. Just put the ayii in the ayii.

What are you doing back?

- Hey, Dean. - Oh, what's the matter?

Got tired of all that brand-name pop?

I'm sorry I can only afford Sprit and Kookum Cola.

Look, man, we both made that deal.

But at the end of the day,

you're still my number one bro, man.

So... I'm the better bro?

The best.

Look what I got you.

A medallion?! For me?!

Yeah. You wear one half, and I'll wear the other.

Oh!

Now, let's go get some nachos.

Whoa! With quadruple cheese?

The supreme, baby!

Yeah!

(rustling)

Hey, you, uh, got any baby wipes?

Hey, you guys are back!

I can't believe Cousin Leon

didn't sell everything out the back!

Yeah, good job, bro. He even dusted the...

Wait a second!

You didn't put the ayii in the ayii?

I thought I did!

- Paul: Unreal! - Dean: It's not that hard.

Ayii straight into the ayii.

Paul: A baby could do it!

Man, I'm so mad right now!

You had one job!

♪ Every time I hear a song ♪

♪ I always wonder who ♪

♪ What grown-up they're singing about ♪

♪ And all their troubles, too ♪

♪ But are they all just make believe? ♪

♪ Just like the grown-up world ♪

♪ But me, I'm just in high school ♪

♪ And my mind is in a whirl ♪

♪ Over her ♪

♪ I like her pretty smile ♪

♪ The thought of her ♪