Original subtitles

[ Theme music playing ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Lever clicks ]

♪♪

It's alive!

[ Robot chicken clucking ]

♪♪

[ Laughing evilly ]

♪♪

Oh, my God. We're gonna die!

I didn't want to do this in the first place!

We're gonna die.

Oh, no, it's happening!

-Ah! -Oh, phew.

-Whew! -Wow, I saw my life flash before my eyes.

-We really avoided -- -That was terrible.

Ah, I thought that was gonna be so much worse.

[ Goose honks ]

-Aww, look at the goose! -That's so cute.

-So cute, look at that goose. -Oh, that's so cool.

I heard she took a two-foot shit.

For real?

♪♪

Finally, home after a long day

of being the first president of the United States.

[ Giggles ] Who are you?!

I'm George Washington Barbie.

This is my life.

Are you saying you want to kill me and then pose as me,

George Washington,

a man who is 6'3", has wooden teeth,

and is the President of the United States?

I cannot tell a lie.

[ Gunshot ] Ah!

Now to complete my look.

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

Hmm.

Ahhh!

[ Crying ]

♪♪

Mm, perfect!

Hello, Mr. Washington.

You shrunk, Sir.

Hi, John Adams. [ Chuckles ] Cute wig.

I am so sorry, I don't want to ask this,

but aren't you supposed to be a guy?

I am.

Well, the teeth are accurate.

And check this out.

Does this look like a girl part to you?

I don't know if you know this, sir,

but your penis has termites.

[ Screams ]

Ahh!

I declare the White House a dream house.

[ Applause ]

Man: George Washington Barbie never told a lie,

except for the lie that she was George Washington,

although she was George Washington Barbie.

The end.

♪♪

Oh, man. You have insurance, right?

Nope.

Oh, man.

Oh, boy, "Empire Strikes Back" is my favorite movie.

"Luke, I am your father."

Darth Vader: No, I am your father.

[ Stammers ] That's not the line.

Young nerd, Darth Vader never said "Luke"

in that famous line.

[ Gasps ] The ghost of Nelson Mandela.

You're experiencing the Mandela effect.

It's named for a collective false memory.

Like when people remember me dying in prison

in the '80s when I actually died at home in 2013.

Oh, like "The Berenstain Bears"

actually being "The Berenstein Bears."

It's actually the other way around.

Or is it?

Agree to disagree.

Well, we need to fix "Star Wars."

If only there was a way to go back in time.

There is. Take my hand.

Your hand is a time machine?

Pretty cool, right?

Suck a "D," Bill and Ted.

[ Gasps ] The original script.

I'll fix the line so it's the way I remember it.

[ Mumbles ] But there's more!

Remember when Forrest Gump said,

"Life is like a box of chocolates"?

He actually said...

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.

We got to correct this.

Excuse me, Mr. Hanks, the studio said

you got to change that line.

[ Whispering ]

For legal reasons.

Thanks so much.

Fucking bean counters.

Always stepping on my art.

Okay, back to one.

Remember Curious George the monkey?

Well, did you know he never actually had a tail?

Excuse me, H.A. Rey, no big deal,

just emergency services.

Here, I'll take that.

Oh, I knew this monkey was missing something.

Now let's go back to current times

to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

Darth Vader: No, Luke,

I am a closer relative than you think.

Oh, no, my penmanship.

I made it worse. It's okay.

Turn on "Forrest Gump."

Life is a box.

Oh, no.

Well, at least Curious George doesn't have to say anything.

Turn on PBS.

Not what I pictured, but I like it.

A big monkey wiener?

I bet everyone will be curious about that.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, mm. Oh, baby.

Unh. Oh, baby.

Do I have to leave this thing on?

Yeah, you spin that web.

[ Grunts ]

Mmm. [ Laughs ]

Want a cereal that tastes great

and helps release pent-up rage?

Yeah!

Time to give breakfast what it deserves.

Z-oh-diacs -- the nutritious

whole-grain cereal with the excitement

of a late '60s killing spree!

Toasted oats in the same fun shapes

as my cryptograms.

And the back of every box has a cypher puzzle.

Wow. Delicious and entertaining?

Who are you?

[ Laughs ] Nobody knows,

which is why we've mixed in multi-colored marshmallows

that look like the suspects people thought I might be.

The police detective, the librarian,

the Navy veteran.

They even got the guy with a deathbed confession.

He's -- ha -- delicious!

And also not guilty.

Murder-licious!

I hope they never find you.

It's been 50 years.

I'd say you've got nothing to worry about,

except the safety of your parents.

-[ Screams ] -Z-oh-diacs --

Unsolvably delicious.

♪ Old McThanos had a farm ♪

♪ T-H-A-N-O-S ♪

♪ And on that farm, he had the only chickens ♪

♪ Left in the galaxy ♪

♪ T-H-A-N-O-S ♪

♪ With a snap-snap here ♪

♪ And a snap-snap there ♪

♪ Here a snap, there a snap ♪

♪ Everywhere a snap-snap ♪

♪ Old McThanos had a farm ♪

♪ T-H-A-N-O ♪

Oh.

Oh, shit.

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Crowd booing ]

♪♪

[ All shouting indistinctly ]

Whoa, this ain't Denny's.

It's a cool dance. You guys a cult?

I was in a cult once. They kicked me out

for siphoning gas from the cult leader's Camaro.

[ All shout indistinctly ]

Hey, you ever siphon gas?

It's a real easy way to accidentally drink gas.

All: No! No way!

Oh, invisible kids.

Is it cool if I hit my vape in here?

All: No, no!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

I'd leave, but I'm not real sure

how I got here in the first place,

and the last thing I remember,

I was sniffing a shit ton of airplane glue.

No way, get out!

Okay, that pokey, stabby feeling feels real familiar.

That's definitely a NARCAN injection.

Yeah. Guess they're calling me home.

Arrivederci.

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

But why bats, Master Bruce?

Bruce: They scare me, Alfred.

I want my enemies to experience that fear.

Let's take a look at this baby.

[ Screams ] I look like a giant bat!

Get me out of this thing!

[ Screaming ] Get it off, get it off, get it off!

Get it off! It's on my arm! It's on my face!

Ahh! Fuck! The bats are on me!

[ Screaming ]

I hate bats!

Oh! [ Screams ]

I am a bat! The bat is on me!

[ Screams ] It's all over me!

Get me out of this thing!

[ Screams ]

I'm inside the bat!

[ Gasps ] Cookies?

Yes, me accept.

Me click yes cookies.

Where cookies?

Ahhh! Cookies!

Cookies! No cookies? What is real?

Me trust nothing.

Welcome to Domino's. Can I interest you in a pizza?

Everyone on the fucking ground.

It's the Noid. What?

The Domino's mascot from 1986 to 1995.

He's the physical manifestation of everything

that can go wrong when ordering a pizza.

Nearly a decade of service to the Domino's Corporation,

and how did they repay me?

By kicking me to the curb!

What went wrong, Mr. Noid?

In 1996, a man with the last name Noid

took a Domino's hostage, believing the Noid was created

to mock him.

His demands -- free pizza,

a white limo, and the end of the Noid in Domino's advertising.

And those spineless suits caved to him.

Wait, is this shit real?

Yeah. Check the Wikipedia page.

Point is, now I'm the one with the gun,

and I demand that Domino's bring back the Noid.

[ Siren wails ] Man: Come on out with your hands up.

Not unless Domino's brings back the Noid.

Uh, oh, okay. Sure, we can do that.

Shit. The Noid is back, baby!

[ Gunfire ]

[ Tires squeal, siren wails ]

Can I get garlic knots with those meat lover pizzas?

Yodels, Ho Hos, Doodles,

Ding Dongs, Ring Dings, King Dons, Ring Kings,

Ring Dongs, Ding Ring Dongs,

Ding Dang Doodle Dogs.

Dad! Mom's doing it again.

Triple Dipple Ding Dong Dipple Dongs.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh hey, so that's season 11.

Thanks to the musical guests, Yaboobas.

Also, thanks to the Zodiac Killer... Not guilty.

...the ghost of Nelson Mandela, and of course,

both slices of American cheese.

Oh, and Tom Hanks' brother, Jim.

Thanks, Jim! Yeah.

See you next year if we don't get canceled.

Good night, everybody!

I cannot wait to not see your fucking face for six months.

Fuck you, fuck face.

Thanks for cutting my sketch at the last minute, assholes.

I wasn't even in this episode. [ Chuckles ]

That Noid sketch went over like a brick balloon, huh?

[ Laughs ] Go back and vote for Brexit,

you fucking idiot.

Your opinion means nothing to me.

The Zodiac Killer just escaped

with the whole party sub.

You know, on "Suits," we had a full taco bar

seven days a week.

I fucking love "Suits."

-Yeah. -Taco bar.

[ Both shouting ]

I've had just about enough of your bullshit.

I will punch a hole through my own fucking face

if these goddamn credits don't end right the fuck n--

♪♪

21, engage the doom cannon.

Dude, we got canceled. Forget it. It's over.

Come on, think of the fans, Doc.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

They deserve better this creepy Pinocchio bullshit.

Don't break the puppet, dude.

We could sell it on eBay.