Original subtitles

[ Theme music playing ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Lever clicks ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

[ Robot chicken clucking ]

♪♪

[ Laughing evilly ]

♪♪

I want my phone call!

Payphone's on the wall.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Hello?

I love you.

Ah, success!

To achieve it, you need power, unbridled ambition,

and a full head of luxurious hair!

Not every undead master of evil has hair like mine,

but trust me, Baron Dark,

when I say you can, too, people.

Why, this hair can withstand even the harshest winds.

I have to admit, it's magnificent.

Aah!

Your hair is, like, glowing. I have to say this.

It never dries out or gets frizzy from heat.

I mean, how is that even possible?

Ohh! Aah!

It even looks great wet.

What's my secret?

The hair was a gift from the Lightstar Crystal

that turned me into the Skeleton Warrior

you see here before you today.

In my patented one-week program,

its magic can give anyone a beautiful head of hair.

Even moi?

Even you.

Yes! Yes!

I have the power!

Now who's master of the universe, He-Man?

[ Laughs evilly ]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But what if you are a doctor?

You're 2 cents short.

Oh, my eyes, my eyes!

Welcome to the first day of Mommy and Me.

And can I just say, it is so refreshing to see a man

helping with his child's early development?

I'm not sure he is a child.

[ Laughs ] You're a riot.

Let's start off with some airplane.

[ Whimpering ]

Oh, dear. Uh-oh.

Looks like someone had an accident.

No worries. Let's try a more relaxed activity.

Why don't you sing him a song?

I'm not really a singer.

Hello.

Why, hello. Is this Mommy?

No, she just lives in my radiator.

Oh, we are totally supportive of alternative families.

Why did you sing him "Rock-a-bye, Baby"?

♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪

♪ On the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows ♪

[ Crying ]

Oh, boy.

When was the last time you changed his diaper?

Oh...never. No wonder.

Let's get you cleaned up here, little guy.

Uh...eww.

Oh, my God!

Nothing a little baby powder can't solve.

[ Crying ]

Oh, here. Tuck those organs in there.

Just like a little burrito.

There we go.

So that's how you swaddle a baby.

I was going to kill him, but now I kind of like him.

Wonderful!

You guys are...

[ Distorted speaking ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Steak or the fish?

The fish, please.

And for you? [ Growls ]

Now's your chance. Be a part of the "Robot Chicken" action.

What should the werewolf say? Tweet your answer.

You are awesome and funny, and now's your chance.

What should the werewolf say?

This is your chance to write for "Robot Chicken."

Take your shot. Do it now.

Here's the winner.

This is the funniest tweet.

And for you?

I'll have the fish.

You love Shark Week, and this year, we're giving you

a week dedicated to something even better.

It's Mark Week, an entire week of programing dedicated

to everything Mark!

Mark your calendar because we have

tons of Mark-centric shows you don't want to miss.

Like "Mark Cuban's Mark Tank,"

a show where people named Mark

pitch business marks to Mark Cuban with markers.

And "Mark Zuckerberg," a show where Mark Zuckerberg

marks his mark on the world while making waves.

And mark my words. You don't want to miss the Mark event.

The world premiere of Mark Burnett's new reality mark

"A Roomful of Marks," the show that puts famous Marks

into a small mark, where they're forced to injure Marks

over Marks in Mark form.

Because Mark Week starts this Monday. Go and discover Mark.

This band sucks. I'm going to the bathroom.

Hurry back. They could be the next Beatles.

Such a great band, right?

The music touches my soul in a deep way

only artists could understand.

I'm Whisper. Hey, want to come backstage and meet the band?

I guess we're touching.

Odd Bird, this is Daria. Oh. Hello.

She said your music touched her deeply.

Daria, you are clearly a very smart girl.

I'm having an afterparty at my ranch tonight

with some very like-minded people.

I think you should join us. Wow.

An invitation to a mysterious ranch by a creepy stranger.

How could I pass that up?

Hope you make me drink some sort of Kool-Aid now.

Of course. Daria, we are a group of very special people.

We've been chosen by God to reach the kingdom of heaven

via an extraterrestrial spacecraft.

Our master, an alien named Slumu,

will be escorting us there tonight.

Oh, joy.

Let's bring out the branding iron, shall we?

I'm just gonna use the bathroom first.

My sarcastic tone keeps digging me

deeper and deeper into trouble. I need to escape.

[ Man screaming ] Daria, are you ready to ascend in a flying saucer

armed with magic more powerful than the greatest human armies?

[ Sarcastically ] Absolutely.

[ Sighs ] Back on my bullshit.

All right, everyone. Cin cin!

Mm-mm-mm.

Well, there go all my best friends.

What happened?

They did not wait for us. Oops.

Guess I'm the only chosen one.

Ready for your anal probe?

Sounds like a real treat.

Back on my bullshit.

Were all dinosaurs as nice as you, Barney?

Why, yes, Kayla.

[ Laughter ]

I love you.

You love me.

I love you. You love me.

I love you. You love me.

You love me. I love you. I love you. You love me.

Hey, what's that?

[ Explosion ]

-Uh-oh! -Ohhh!

After the scientists thawed me out and restarted my organs

with a cocktail of various lizard bloods,

I got to work forging the license to run a daycare.

'Kay.

At least pretend to be interested, Kayla.

'Kay.

All my friends are dead.

'Kay.

Fuck you, Kayla.

'Kay.

[ Laughs ] Yeah, being a venture capitalist

means seeking out new opportunities,

but what the hell is this place?

The planet MS Paint-a-Bot?

Hi. I'm Todd, and this is my world.

ToddWorld!

Hi, Todd. Does your world have dentists?

[ Laughs ] Look at this guy's mouth.

Dude, you only have one tooth.

How do you bite through wide foods?

Like theoretically a slice of cheese?

Todd, we're venture capitalists.

We want to invest in immersive environments.

Neato mosquito!

This week, we visited Jurassic World,

Westworld, and Murderworld.

And let me tell you, bro-ham, ToddWorld

better show us something if it wants our seed money.

Hmm. Oh, my friend Pickle

is about to play a concert with his band.

Hells yeah!

Groupies and coke! Grokies!

I hear we have some tech bros in the house.

Anyone want to join in?

Hell yeah. I played sax in high school.

Oh, yeah, here it comes. 1, 2, 3, 4!

[ Playing sour notes ] ♪ This is the best song ♪

♪ Future Grammy winner ♪

♪ If the melody is strong, you can have the beat for dinner ♪

[ Playing sour notes ]

Stop playing! [ Music stops ]

This song is a pile of burning cow shit!

Yeah, but my sax was good, right?

Your sax sounded like Ned Beatty getting ass-fucked

with a VHS copy of "Deliverance"!

And, uh, that's okay.

Stella doesn't have to like your music.

All that matters is whether you like it.

That's today's lesson.

Yes! I think we should invest all our money in ToddWorld.

Me too.

[ Group cheering ] Let's get out of here.

Today's real lesson is how venture capitalists

are emotionally stunted, dysfunctional voids

who invest in any product

that replicates a true human experience.

Yeah, and in six months, they'll sell us to Facebook

for billions more than they paid for us.

[ Laughter ]

Ask not what your country can do for you.

Why do I need a country that doesn't do anything?

Ask what you can do for your country.

Sounds like a pretty one-way street.

Hey, pal, I don't come down to where you work

and slap the dick out of your mouth.

I think you're confusing me with Marilyn Monroe.

Burn. The president's been roasted!

Time to pay my yearly respects to you, Mom and Dad.

What the... Where did this come from?

Yeah, hey, man, if you want to get in, you got to buy a ticket.

Hello? I'm Bruce Wayne.

Wayne family members get a 10% discount.

Oh, always nice to be included.

Welcome to the Thomas and Martha Wayne Murder Alley Tour.

Sadly, their lives were cut short

only a few hundred yards from where we stand.

The evening began here at Giussepe's.

Uh, no, this restaurant wasn't even here.

As you can see from the receipt on the wall,

Thomas had the angel hair in pink sauce.

Martha had the walnut shrimp.

I highly recommend that, by the way.

And Bruce had the grilled cheese.

This is all wrong.

Walnut shrimp? She was allergic to shellfish.

And cheese gives me diarrhea.

The receipt was found in Thomas' wallet.

After being examined as evidence,

it was given to the Wayne Foundation.

They graciously allow it to be displayed here today.

Okay, one, the police don't just turn over evidence

in an ongoing case, and, two, his wallet was stolen.

After dinner, the family came to see this movie --

"Benji's Very Own Christmas Story."

What?! I hate those movies.

We saw "The Legend of Zorro."

They left early because their son, Bruce,

was frightened of the elves and accidentally wet his pants.

No, wait.

Yes, that was a very good Benji movie.

[ British accent ] Ooh! I done wet me pants, guv'nor.

[ Crowd screaming ] [ Sighs ]

Jesus fucking Christ.

Give me all your money.

And pearls. I love pearls.

Oh, please, shoot my wife and pants-wetting son,

but leave me alone. This is slander.

Uh-oh! I done pissed in me pants again.

No, this is not what happened.

You're raising bed wetters?

I'll kill you for that.

Blam! Oh, my goodness.

No.

Blam, blam! Aah!

[ Gasps ] I'm rich!

This is an outrage!

Oh, it's in my face!

[ Spitting ]

Why would you use actual pee?

[ Crowd groaning ]

Please exit through the gift shop.

[ Sighs ] Wow, this ring-spun cotton is really soft.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk!

Man: Bawk.