Original subtitles

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[ Laughs ]

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[ Clicks ]

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Man: It's alive!

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[ Laughter ]

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[ Laughter ]

Yoshi: You know the thing about living

on a tropical island paradise?

You get so distracted looking at all the beauty,

you forget to look out for yourself.

Wait! Mario! What about me?!

But now I see clearly.

I don't know what-a you did to piss-a this guy off,

but-a now he's-a comin' after a-both of us!

Hey, what's-a one-a little dinosaur-a gonna do, eh?

[ Yoshi laughing ]

Hunh! [ Laughs ]

Aah! Yah!

Aah!

Ah!

[ Squelch ]

Now we're fuckin' a-dead, bro!

Let's-a go, mother-a-fucker.

Maybe we can make a deal-a, huh?

Yoshi: Die, bitch! Aah!

You are gonna pay-a for that-a.

Fireball! Fireball! [ Laughing ]

Ha! Fireball toss!

Yoshi, no!

I've known you since I was a baby.

You were a piece of shit then...

[Italian accent] ...and you are a bigger piece of shit now.

Fuck right off!

Aah! [ Splat ]

Time to welcome the world to a new Yoshi.

A new me.

Yoshi's Island!

After you got off the island, Chuck Noland received

millions from FedEx.

You're asking for half, correct?

I just want what I think is fair.

Ugh! I can't believe Trevor ghosted me.

Even though he grew a rattail nonironically,

I'll never love again!

You've been possessed

by a peen-tergeist!

A what?!

Hi, I'm Tangina Barrons, poltergeist expert.

Your lady bits have been taken hostage

by the spirit of his whiz tube.

Your need to perform a vag-orcism!

Yes! Yes!

[ Screaming ]

Keep on towards the light!

[ Screaming ]

[ Gasps ] I don't need to pretend to like

Lars von Trier films anymore.

[ Placid music plays ] This cooch is clean.

But where did he go?

Into my cooch!

[ Music stops ]

What do you mean, you don't tip?

I mean, I don't tip.

Boop. Whoa!

Ah! [ Laughs ]

Yeah, technically you tip -- you just don't fall over.

Ladies, can't we all find a way to get along?

You gave me chlamydia!

-Me too. -And me! -Twice.

Also, bacteria from the chlamydia then moved up

to my cervix and gave me PID!

Pelvic inflammatory disease!

That's what happens when the clam is left untreated.

Ladies, what do you say we make this a team round?

I'd never turn down three women at once --

[ Gunshots ] Oww! [Shouting indistinctly ]

[ Gunshots continue ]

♪♪

Come on, girls. He is not worth it.

Let's go pick up our prescription.

Bond: Oho, James, you dog!

Wait. That means I have chlamydia.

[ Motor whirring ]

[ Chittering ]

[ Screeches ]

My date said he'd be here 20 minutes ago.

Ack! Ack, ack.

Did you get stood up, too?

Ack!

Ack, ack! Ack, ack.

I'd love to eat with you.

Ack!

Ack! Ack! Ack ack ack!

Yes! Ack!

Yes! Ack! Ack ack aaack!

Do you take this woman to be your wife?

Ack!

I'll, uh, take that as an "I do."

[ Objects clattering ] Oh, my God!

Ack ack ack! Ack ack ack ack!

Ack ack ack!

You have to return to your home planet?

But we're married! Ack!

Save me! Aah!

Ack ack ack!

[ Gunshots, screams ]

Aaa-aa-aa-ck!

[ Sobbing ]

Cake is the only man that will never leave me.

Ohh ahhh mmph! [ Sobs ]

Oh, no. Oh, God.

[ Retching ]

♪♪

[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]

[ Video game music plays ]

♪♪

Narrator: This week on "My Strange Addiction,"

meet Elefun the elephant.

Yeah, baby! That's the stuff!

What started out as a party trick

turned into a butterfly habit

that Elefun couldn't kick.

Let's fuckin' rave!

Oh! Oh!

[ Laughing ]

[ Inhaling deeply ]

[ Echoing voices, laughter ]

Ohhh!

-[Distant] Elefun. Elefun! -Whoa!

Elefun, it's late.

We have to go home. You're leaving me?!

Try some of this shit!

I don't want it! Try it! Come on!

I don't want! [ Laughing ]

It's trippy, right? I don't want it!

[ Laughing ] [ Groans ]

Kid?

[ Screaming ] Kid!

Next week...

this family of codependent hippos

enable a bizarre compulsion.

Woman: Oh, my life is almost spent,

and I had so much more to do.

[ Cat meows ]

[ Objects clatter, cat yowls ]

And I'm back, bitches!

Boom! Crushed that candy!

Aw, but I need a lollipop hammer to finish the level.

[ Poof ] Why not make an in-app purchase?

It's only $1.99.

I promised myself I wouldn't spend any money on this game.

It's a one-time thing, Beth.

[ Ka-ching! ]

[ Video game music plays ]

Beth, I'm home -- Oh, my God!

I need extra gold bars!

And I need an extra life!

Beth, you spent --

you spent $1,500 on Candy Crush?! Aah! Yah!

We have a mortgage!

She's mine now.

[ Laughing evilly ]

Spider-walk time!

The power of Christ compels you.

[ Distorted ] You're one to talk.

You spent all of the church's collection last month

on Pokémon Go supplies.

You have to catch 'em all, right?

You don't understand, demon --

was buy one, get one free.

It was BOGO on the POGO.

I had serious FOMO!

[ Laughing ] You're mind now, priesty!

Open your mouth!

Not today, vile demon!

Selfless sacrifice! [ Glass shatters ]

Splat!

You did it! Oh, God, it's over!

[ Sobbing ] It's over! My, God, it's over.

Anyone wanna play Clash of Clans?

I do.

Mr. Manson, you would have me believe

that you did not commit the Tate-LaBianca murders.

I'm telling you, man, it was not me.

I, Ponce de Léon, have finally found the Fountain of Youth.

[ Babies cooing, laughing ]

Men, only a single Allied pilot

has survived an encounter with the Red Baron.

Meet America's World War I Flying Ace --

Did you say "one"? ...Captain Snoopy!

Blah!

[ Speaking gibberish ]

Sir, that's, uh...

Yeah, that's a dog.

That is the World War I Flying Ace, dumb shit!

And you will heed every single word out of his mouth!

[ Gibberish ]

These are your new aircraft.

No idea how they work, but we've seen the Ace fly one,

and they only cost about $3 in scrap wood!

Hoo-yah! Sir!

These are doghouses, sir!

They're aircraft, soldier!

Now mount up!

Oh-ah!

This shit doesn't make any sense. Ow.

Uh, sir? Where are the controls?

Did you have to ask your mama where your dick was

when you wanted to piss, sailor?!

[ Gibberish ] [ Engine rumbling ]

-There's no way that's gonna... -Um, uh...

-Oh, shit. -Ah, that worked.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, my God, they work!

We're flying!

But the peak is really riding up into my crack.

Aah! They also should have included seat belts!

Whoa! Hey!

I'm cool with these things not having wings,

but I'd feel better if we had windshields.

Ah, what the f-- Ah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Aaaaah!

That son of a bitch is actually doing it!

We're gonna need more Marines!

And maybe some seat belts.

The Red Baron is leading a squadron

toward Allied territory.

Now get up there and show 'em what we got!

-To the sky! -Let's fly these doghouses!

Bwah! Sir, yes, sir!

Whatever the fuck he just said.

[ Cats yowling ]

Are those cats?!

How did they train cats to fly airplanes?

War is hell!

[ Airplane approaches, Red Baron laughs ]

Guten morgen, Herr Snoopy!

Dogfights are overrated, so I thought,

why not switch to a catfight?

[ Laughs ] Aah!

[ Cat yowling ]

Aw, yeah.

Keep that pussy right there.

[ Meows ]

[ Screeches ]

Aah, aah! It's in my mouth!

[ Sputtering ] Aah!

Whoo! [ Clicking tongue ]

Can I interest you in a cucumber?

[ Yowling ]

Ha-ha! I've got you now.

Uh... No one told us how to shoot!

[ Gunfire, cat screeching ]

I'm hit!

The laser pointer won't be invented for another 60 years,

so this will have to do.

[ Yowling ]

Stupid cats!

♪♪

[ Purring ]

[ Explosion ]

Ha-ha-ha-ha! [ Gunfire ]

Looks like it's time for a catnap.

[ Snoopy laughs ]

[ Gibberish ]

♪♪

[ Gunfire ]

♪♪

[ Gunfire ]

Bwah!

Auf weidersehen, dummer hund.

[ Gunfire ]

[ Slurps ] Ugh! Aah!

Doctor! Get the hot water!

Get the disinfectant!

[ Gunfire ] Get the iodine!

Aah!

Aaaaaaah!

[ Upbeat music plays ]

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