Original subtitles

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

Aah! Oh, no! Aah! Aah!

[ Roars ] Aah! Oh, God!

[ Screaming ]

Aah! Aah! A fucking shark!

[ Screaming ]

[ Record scratching ]

One on land.

One at sea.

Theirs was a forbidden love.

Just kill me already!

The world was against them.

We have to separate them. If they team up, we're dead.

-No bloody way! -No!

Man: [ Straining ] They must not mate!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

Can true love prevail?

"Surt

From Universal.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Kraken, feast your eyes upon the terrible Medusa.

Throwing effort.

There. That felt like a safe way to get rid of that.

Ow! Hey, who's playing Chad for a fool?

[ Yowls ]

Oh, shit. With power like that, it could finally be Chad's time!

Let's go, hon. To the clubs!

End of the line,

unless you got some pretty girls with you.

I got a girl that'll make you rock hard, brah.

Turn into stone!

Yeah! We're in.

[ Medusa shrieking ]

-Oh! -Oh!

Yo, yo. Two cinnamon whiskeys and Red Bulls, please.

Aah!

♪ Oh, yeah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

The Kraken's brother is here, and he is pissed!

Guess it's up to Chad. Man: No!

[ Roars ]

Feast your peepers on this, bitch.

Uh, babe... Sorry, bro.

I took some bad ketamine at the club.

I'm gonna keel.

Whoa! Cha...

Mario, I met someone new.

I'm sorry, but I'm leaving you.

Huh? For who?

Timothée Chalamet?

You gotta be shitting me. -Ha ha. What's up?

I'm Timothée Chalamet, and I have a thing for peaches.

Yeah, I know. We all know, you freak. Pitted peaches, unpitted peaches.

[ Cellphone chimes ] Huh?

Oh, God.

[ Cellphone chimes ] Huh?

[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Thud ] Aah!

[ Speaking Spanish ] Aah!

Aah! [ Speaking French ]

I only downloaded the app to impress people

with the idea of me learning a new language.

I don't actually have the time or discipline.

[ Laughs ]

Aah! Aah! I promise.

I will never miss another day of language practice again.

[ Speaking German ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Shouting in Spanish ]

[ Announcer speaking Spanish ]

[ Knock on door ]

Hi. We're the pirates of Dark Water.

We only found 8 of the 13 Treasures of Rule

before Fox Kids canceled us,

so now we're here to help you with your dark water.

You talking about my runny stool?

-[ Clears throat ] -Your drinking water, ma'am.

This water is disgusting.

They rerouted the Flint River into our drinking water,

and it ate up the lead pipes.

The children were drinking liquid lead.

This is great, great stuff.

What the hell are you talking about, Sunburn?

So we'd call it "Pirates of Dark Water: Operation Flint."

Right. And who's the bad guy?

A squid in a pirate hat named Squinty Flinty,

who also happens to be the head of the Michigan Department

of Environmental Quality.

I am loving this.

You want the good news or the bad news?

Good news?

I'm ordering 13 episodes right now.

-We're back! -Good for us.

Uh, and the bad news?

Fox Kids folded 20 years ago.

I rescued that logo out of a Dumpster on my last day

and have been running "Fox Kids"

here in my mom's guesthouse ever since.

We have zero budget and make nothing.

We'll take it.

Great. Sign here.

Click and sign.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[ Groans ] Mitch, where are we?

What's this thing on my head?

Jigsaw: Mitch and Maggie,

your selfish natures led to your divorce,

and now you'll test whether your love

ever meant anything at all.

Maggie has a reverse bear trap

that will split open her skull in one minute. Aah!

The key's hidden in the stomach of this woman.

Who lives, who dies -- Make your choice.

Oh, shit. Oh, God, oh, God!

Vicki! My much younger fiancée?!

I'm so sorry, Vicki, but I just realized

I still have feelings for my ex-wife.

I mean, she's the mother of my two girls.

Stab! Ow.

Hurry! Oh, my stomach!

Stab from the middle. You're doing it all wrong.

Will you stop fucking micromanaging me?!

I know how to stab someone.

I don't think our plan

to get our parents back together is working.

[ Bell dings ]

Aah!

Ah! There! See? You happy now?

This is Billy the Puppet from "The Parent Death Trap."

And you're watching Disney Plus.

[ Twinkle! ]

♪ I love my Pogs ♪

Here, hon. I bought you some toys.

Moon shoes! Thanks, Mom.

You want to watch me bounce?

Oh, sorry, honey. It's Mommy's meth time.

[ Vehicle door opens, closes ] Lookit. These are so cool.

Now, how do these shoes work?

[ Boing! ]

Whooooa!

Oh, shit!

[ Door opens ]

What is happening? [ Laughs ]

You stupid Earthlings equip your brood with shoes

that catapult them into the heavens.

We track them to work as captives

on our diarrhea mines of Mazashi 12.

Diarrhea mines? Not today.

[ Gasps ] Soccer Boppers!

The Masashs' only weakness.

Have a little sock!

And the bopping! No! No!

I am defeated.

But you will not survive.

[ Alarm blaring ]

Whoooooo!

Skip-It time!

Mom, Mom! The moon shoes blasted me into outer space,

but this Skip-It saved me.

Oh, no, sweetie. The moon shoes broke

your ankles almost immediately.

You fell and cracked your skull open.

This whole adventure is just the last of your neurons

firing randomly before you die.

Moon shoes!

♪ '90 toys, we were there for you ♪

♪ When your parents were on meth ♪

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who is the fairest of them all?

I shall have to say it's Big Butt Mary in River Town.

My God, it's magnificent.

Past Jedi, be with me.

Please, I need your help.

-We're here, Rey. -Use the Force.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't forget me, Yarael Poof.

Remember me? From the Jedi Council.

Oh, gosh, it is dark and musty in here.

I'm here for you, too, Rey.

We're a dyad in the Force.

Dyad? Oh. So are we just, like, making things up?

Uhh! So, hey, Rey.

I can tag in any time.

You know, if you want the help of an honest-to-goodness Jedi,

as opposed to Captain Emo or...

She's gonna die.

Force, healing power. [ Grunts ]

Could we always just heal people with the Force like that?

It seems to me that that would have been

a useful thing to know.

I think, you know, I and a lot of other people assumed you two

were at the very least cousins. All I'm saying is maybe

let's do a little back-of-the-napkin family tree

before we lock any lips, okay?

Yarael Poof, is it?

Could you grab my spaceship and bring it around to pick us up?

Oh, yeah, great. Once again,

Yarael the Jedi Master does the grunt work. Oy.

[ Weakly ] Giving you my life force.

You're cousins!

[ Gasps ]

[ Crying ]

Cousins!

This holiday season on the Hallmark Channel...

I'm a recently divorced teacher who needed a change.

I left my phone, my laptop, and my dignity at home

for a week in the mountains,

but I never thought I'd find love amongst the trees.

I'm a curmudgeonly lodge rental owner

who's never given love a chance...

until now. [ Gasps ]

Oh, Cameron, I --

Hold on.

Do you feel like the trees just got closer?

What do you mean?

That!

[ Both scream ]

We can hide out in the lodge.

Oh, fuck!

Why are there so many trees in here?

How else will people know it's Christmas time?

Ohh! This is not love amongst the trees!

[ Slurps ] Ahh!

This is the life.

I love you, Doris.

I love you, too, Fred.

"Pining for Tree Love 3: Sappily Ever After."

Only on the Hallmark Channel.

Hallmark. We cast more trees than people.

Man: We did it. We traveled through time

and saved the world. Yeah.

Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna invent time travel.

Aah!

We are in the past.

Where is the child?

He is the one who will invent time travel. Kill him.

What did you do?

I just said, "I want to invent time travel."

Where is the inventor of time travel?

He must pay for what the future has become.

Death to the time child.

Energy volts.

Do not invent time travel, young man!

I won't. I promise.

Oh, thank God.

It's over. Good.

Because I totally want to invent time travel.

The future demands the child's death!

What's wrong with you?!

[ Wails ]

Aah! Aah!

I am you, but from the future.

Inventing time travel disrupted all of reality.

You must give up your dream of inventing time travel.

Okay! But it would have been cool.

Actually it's totally cool.

Ha! I knew it.

Future me! Oh, come on!

Creature: Murder the Time Child! Murder him!

You just lost your TV privileges, young man.

Oh, Dad!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Stoopid Monkey.