Original subtitles

♪♪

Happy Halloween.

Oh, no. My head!

[ Chuckles ] I got you all so good.

I'm not really dead.

Get out of here.

Hi, Gertrude Bertha.

Oh. Oh, God.

Will I see you out there trick or treating tonight?

Will you what?

Like when we were kids.

We dressed like Teletubbies

and sang the theme song all night.

♪ Teletubbies, Teletubbies, oh, oh, oh ♪

You're not singing.

♪ Teletubbies, Teletubbies, oh, oh, oh ♪

Oh, my God, shut up!

Trick or treating is for babies.

We're going to the big costume party.

Hope no one steals your candy tonight, shit toilet.

[ Laughter ]

♪ Torn between two Halloweens ♪

♪ One for tweens and one for teens ♪

♪ Used to be my favoritest day ♪

♪ But now it's getting ripped away ♪

Mom, can I stay out late tonight

and make life choices I'm not prepared for?

Woman: Your father and I are hooked on opiates, honey.

Do whatever.

My parents are bomb ass.

Now I need the perfect big boy costume.

Come on, big bucks, no whammies, no whammies, and stop.

♪♪

Happy Hallo-- [ Vomits ]

Oh my God, gross.

What are you supposed to be?

I'm the feature film "Sonic the Hedgehog"

original CGI design with off-putting human proportions.

Well, now you're covered in my barf.

Eh, what up, doc?

Oh, hey, Gyro Robo.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm just Daniel here.

But you've insisted on your "GoBots" code name for years.

Yeah, and I'm still a touchless, kissless virgin.

That's causation, not correlation, my friend.

Oh, wow, Gertrude Bertha's here.

And she's Lola from "Run Lola Run."

It's a sign. We both run for a living.

I've got to go say hi.

Or I could just go home. Peace out.

Oh, no, no, you don't.

What would Sonic do?

He'd go fast. Yes.

Yeah, here I go. Go fast.

I got to go fast!

Ah! Ah! Aah!

[ Slow-motion ] Who the heck is that guy?

[ Normal speed ] Uh-oh. Window.

Feel the impact.

♪♪

Aah! Startled awakening!

Gosh, I had the weirdest dream.

Hey, where's my Sonic costume?

Oh, geez, I'm late.

I'll have to wear the kick-ass costume

I was saving for Comic-Con.

[ Imitates transforming ]

Happy Hallo-- [ Vomits ]

Oh, that's so disgusting.

♪♪

Ugh, a party's no place for a giant robot.

However... [ Imitates transforming ]

Vroom, vroom. Engine noise.

Screech, screech. Vroom.

Eh, what's up, doc?

[ Imitates transforming ] Back into bot.

I'm having the worst déjà vu.

You were there and that pukey groundhog

and Gertrude Bertha.

What did you do about that fire last time?

Fire? What are you --

This is déjà new! Aah!

Who put that in there?

Hey, boo. Who is that guy?

And what's that butt-faced costume supposed to --

Oops, no time. I'm burning!

Vroom, vroom, vroom!

[ Imitates transforming ]

Put him out before he sets all our cool kid coke on fire!

Aah, aah, aah!

[ Imitates transforming ]

Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom!

Ah, this fire extinguisher's empty.

He's burning alive, man!

Put him out of his misery.

Big rig!

No! No, no, no!

Stop, drop, and roll me! Stop, drop, and roll me!

♪♪

Aaah! I'm dead!

No, I'm alive.

Oh, no, I'm caught in one of those time loop movies.

Well, it was bound to happen eventually.

But who is the butt-faced killer,

and why does he want me dead?

I'm literally America's sweetheart.

Alright, let's get organized.

Time loop to do's and not to do's.

Not to do -- Learn piano to impress Andie MacDowell.

Who cares?

To do -- identify personal flaw that needs fixing.

Oh, boy.

Not to do -- Make J.K. Simmons mad.

To do -- Figure out ticking clock.

Oh, my costumes.

Every time I use one in a time loop, it disappears.

I bet when they're all gone, I'm all gone.

I've got to stop the butt-faced killer

before I run out of cosplay.

I know -- I'll go as the hardest to kill character there is.

Happy Hallo-- [ Vomits ]

Ohhh. To do -- remember Puke-sutawney Phil.

What, do you puke every time you see your shadow?

Jesus fucking Christ.

What's up, doc? Glad you asked.

I'm reliving the same party over and over,

and I need to find my killer.

Ooh, just like "Donnie Darko."

"Donnie Darko" was not a time loop movie.

Agree to disagree.

Spinach puff, sir?

Fun fact -- Spinach is my least favorite vegetable,

but I'd even eat dog shit in puff form.

And the winner of tonight's costume contest

is the train from "Source Code."

Oh, my God.

Choo-choo, assholes.

What? That's the worst costume I've ever --

Ohhh.

My stomach suddenly doesn't feel so good.

[ Farting ]

[ Crying ]

Spinach puff waiter?

Those puffs were bad, man. They were really bad.

Surprise, bitches. Oh, no.

The butt-faced killer.

Pooping sounds.

Oh, my God. I just got to wipe real --

Huh. Well, this could be tricky.

Easy. Careful.

Ooh, I hope that wasn't my ass artery.

Oops. It was.

Woozy. Death sounds.

♪♪

Let's try this again.

Happy Hallo-- [ Vomits ]

Moon Prism Puke Avoidance Pirouette.

Face slap.

Oh, no, my wig is --

Where's -- Tuxedo Mask, save me!

In the name of the moon, I will punish --

[ Groans ] [ Crowd gasps ]

Losing life.

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

Happy Hallo-- [ Vomits ]

I got to get this checked out.

Ha! I've outsmarted Mother Time herself.

[ Laughs ] Aah!

Ah, Katy Perry, be with me tonight.

No one will know.

The butt-faced killer.

Bo staff! Eat some dick, Da Vinci!

Aah!

[ Gurgling ] Somebody help!

Really, nobody's gonna -- [ Gurgling ]

♪♪

I guess it all comes down to this.

♪♪

Happy Hallo--

This is Halloween!

[ Vomits ]

♪♪

Uh, you're basically naked, doc.

Yeah, I am.

I'm not hiding behind big, bulky costumes anymore.

You're getting the real me now.

Plus this spray-on six pack.

I got to talk to Gertrude Bertha.

Sure you want to embarrass yourself?

There's one thing I'm sure of --

embarrassment will be the last thing that kills me today.

Confident stride.

Hi.

Hi. Cool costume.

You wear German post-punk experimental film very well.

Thanks. Or should I say danke?

We should hang out like we used to.

Maybe see a movie sometime.

Cool. Yeah, whatever.

Cool. Yeah, maybe. Whatever.

Ohh, wedgie!

Trick or treat, matey.

Aw, dang it.

I was so close to having one cool moment.

Butt-faced Killer: Nerds don't get cool moments.

You were born a loser, and you gonna die a loser.

I've died enough for one day.

Now it's your turn.

Yaah!

You are apple-solutely gonna die.

And I'll live apple-ly ever after.

Take your apple, bitch.

Ow! Ow!

Helmet fling!

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Wah! Where am I? I can't see.

Somebody call the cops!

No, we're making memories.

Get off. Yah!

All this fighting's making me corny.

[ Laughs ] What's the matter?

Can't handle the worst Halloween candy on earth?

The joke's on you.

I love candy corn!

He's gone crazy.

Yaaah!

Yah!

Heimlich!

[ Vomits ]

[ Crowd gasps ]

You're -- You're me.

Of course I'm you.

I'm a metaphor, you idiot.

[ Crowd "Ohhs" ] -Did he say matador?

You've always been your own worst enemy.

No self-confidence. No bravery.

Just a simpering, whiny, loser, baby nerd.

You're weak!

I contain multitudes.

I'm nice. I'm a loyal friend.

I'm good at math. I'm punctual.

I'm cutting down on porn.

I compliment new hairstyles.

And guess who's got zero cavities?

[ Crowd gasps ]

I did it, everybody!

I killed my own insecurities!

Really? Because it looks like you murdered a close relative.

Relax, everybody. I'm not actually dead.

Rip. [ Laughs ]

Surprise!

I'm Loopy, the Time Loop Toucan.

Who? I'm the magical toucan behind every time loop.

Did you ever ask yourself why Bill Murray repeated

Groundhog Day over and over?

I assumed it was God.

-It's the Spaghetti Monster. -The great Satan.

I would have said energon cubes.

[ Laughs ] Wrong!

It was Loopy, the Time Loop Toucan.

But why me?

I saw a nerd trying to attend a cool kid party

and thought, "Let's humiliate the shit out of that kid."

Plus to help you grow and change.

Whatever, nerd.

I don't know what this peacock is talking about,

but you do seem more mature now.

I do? Wow.

Thanks, Loopy.

Well, of course.

Now, is there any of that cool kid cocaine left?

Just follow your nose.

I know what would make this night perfect.

♪ Teletubbies, Teletubbies, oh, oh, oh ♪

You do remember!

Both: ♪ Teletubbies, Teletubbies, oh, oh, oh ♪

Together: ♪ Teletubbies, Teletubbies, oh, oh, oh ♪

Th-Th-Th-That's all, folks.

Wait, does anybody else smell jet fuel?

♪♪

Chicken: ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Chickens: ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Chicken: Ba-gawk!

Man: Bawk.

[ Monkey hoots ] -Stupid monkey.