Original subtitles

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

[ Grunting ] Congratulations.

You're the very first human to make it to heaven.

[ Noisemakers blow ] [ Grunting ]

I'm so excited that you're here.

These are for you. I made it myself. This, too.

It's all pretty self-explanatory.

Um, okay, enjoy eternal paradise.

[ Grunting ] Uh, let me get that started for you.

[ Screaming ]

Ah, people are going to love this.

Ah, it looks so calm and blue from up here, don't it?

But the ocean's the deadliest place on Earth.

[ Gun clicks ] [ Grunts ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Gun clicks ] Aah!

[ Gun cocks ]

[ Guns cock ]

[ Growls ]

[ Roars ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Growls ]

[ Gun cocks ]

[ Grunts ] I bet this fish

has seen some shit.

We, the Sons of Anarchy, need new blood.

Our brothers keep getting shot,

run over, or infected with gonorrhea.

I got three new prospects, but they're kind of weird.

[ Engines rev ]

Biker Mice from Mars?

Originally from Mars, then Chicago for a bit,

then an unsuccessful reboot back on Mars again.

Careful, Jax, we don't want to let in a rat.

Rat? My mama didn't raise no rat.

Hey, relax. To survive all the organized crime

that, for some reason, is centered

in this one small town in California, we need numbers.

Let's see if they work out.

Oh, they definitely work out. Look at those abs.

That mouse has never touched a piece of cheese in his life.

All in favor of the new recruits?

-Aye. -Yes to the weirdos.

Here we come, and we got lasers.

[ Chuckles ]

♪ Open road ridin' laser pirate ♪

[ Cat meows ]

You watch out for that kitty cat there.

-[ Speaks indistinctly ] -Oh, God!

And that, boys, is why we wear helmets.

[ Beeping ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Snarling ]

Wow, I really used to sound like that.

Luckily, I found Al Kaplan's alien-accent reduction course

Who here feels they've been judged

because of the way they speak? [ Growls ]

Over the next four weeks, my vocal command course

will transform your weird alien sounds

into perfect English.

[ Growls ]

E.T. phone home.

First-person singular.

I phone home.

Nicely done.

Before Al, I was unemployed,

living in a swamp.

Virtually no love life.

Hurt did it went from heaven you fell?

Hmm? [ Gasps ]

Since mastering my speech, I started a business,

bought a better swamp, and got engaged.

Remember, change your speech...

All: Change your life.

Thanks, Al.

I'm not sure which birth control to use.

What's the pill like?

Why don't I let it tell you?

♪ Well, I'm a pill ♪

♪ An important little pill ♪

♪ I keep your body free from babies ♪

♪ When your dude can't hold his splooge spill ♪

♪ When the sperms enter the uterus ♪

♪ I karate-chop them to bits ♪

♪ 'Cause I make your cervical lining ♪

♪ And its mucus a midlevel thick ♪

Wow, it sounds like the pill is the way to go.

IUD: I beg to disagree.

♪ I'm an IUD ♪

♪ I got 99% efficacy ♪

♪ And once inserting me down ♪

Back off, you uterus usurper.

This is my turf.

You want to go?

[ Indistinct shouting ]

I think I'll just stick with abstinence.

Yeah, well, you didn't seem that cool anyway, so...

I need to give this to the one man I can trust.

I thought long and hard about this,

and it's you, Batman.

[ Applause ]

[ Krypto barks ]

[ Monitor beeping ]

[ Flatline ]

Batman. Batman.

Huh? What? What?

Fine. I'll entrust this kryptonite ring

to somebody else to defeat me if I ever go insane.

I really thought you'd give a damn.

Don't look at me cry. Up, up, and away.

No! Wait! No, wait!

I-I -- I d-- I do.

I do, Superman.

Meep, meep!

Meep! Meep!

Meep! Meep!

[ Screech ]

[ Screech ]

Meep! Meep!

Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!

Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!

Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!

Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!

Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!

[ Laughing maniacally ]

You cannot stop me, Earthworm Jim, for I am you.

We are indeed evenly matched, Evil Jim.

I cannot defeat you, but do you know what can?

Ha-ha! Two earthworm Jims,

Did you think getting cut in half would make two of you?

That's a myth. -Wait, seriously?

Aw, man.

Ow. [ Laughs ]

Stupid. [ Laughs ]

I ain't fighting nobody.

I ain't got no head!

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

That makes zero sense.

I'm so glad we're all able to attend

this book-club retreat in the woods.

For this month's book, I thought,

"Why not pick something related to our surroundings?"

I found this in the attic.

[ Chomping ] [ Screaming ]

Well, that was fun.

Next month, we're reading "Eat, Pray, Love."

[ Screams ]

So, what brings you into the podiatrist today?

-This has been happening. -You think that's weird?

Oh, ah! Look, it went back.

Oh, my God! Your thumb!

Announcer: And now back to Wishbone.

Thanks for coming over, Shelby.

Looks like Joe has his first crush.

Reminds me of one of my favorite books,

which is why it's this week's story,

"Fifty Shades of Grey."

This is Christian Grey.

He likes to hurt people he's attracted to.

You're a very bad dog. [ Moans ]

And this works for me, too, for some reason,

probably because my mom was a bitch.

Humiliate me, master.

Let's do it on the furniture human-style.

Oh, God, that's against the rules.

And then I want you to sniff my butthole.

[ Howls, barks ]

Mm, like someone brought lipstick to the party.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, I don't hate that.

[ Howls ] Why does your dog have a boner?

Let him live.

[ Beeping ]

[ Sighs ] Nice going, Diana.

You just had to take the invisible jet.

We're going to need a bigger boat.

Oh, you are? Why, because I'm so fat?

That is not what I meant.

That is absolu-- I'm shark progressive, okay?

Oh, I know what you meant.

Asshole.

Give us your most expensive drink.

My best friend is getting married.

There you go. Here's, uh, something.

I am terribly sorry I was delayed,

but if we want to make our dinner reservation --

We don't serve her kind in here.

That's a weird line in the racism sand.

C4-T3 is my droid of honor.

No droids. [ Scoffs ]

Well does that mean your blender has to leave?

Hey, everybody!

This guy's blender is breaking the rules!

Don't bring Blendy into this.

Either the droid leaves, or you don't drink tonight.

[ Man coughs in distance ] [ Slurps ]

Just fuck all of you.

Oh, my God!

Does this place due karaoke?

Ugh! If you jumbo shrimps are done

sucking off your clarinets,

can we do some fucking karaoke?

♪ Ooh, light-speed lover, always when I need you ♪

♪ A billion parsecs couldn't keep us apart ♪

♪ Rab pimma dewa, tawa duta you ♪

♪ A billion wuppa burr da blat rawa apart ♪

Woman: You have two mouths and four throats!

♪ Lightspeed lover! Bugga bugga ya ya nanna vo zaza wa! ♪

[ Speaking native language ]

The bakery was out of human penises,

so we got Gungan, Zabrak, and Mon Calamari.

It's a tart.

Excuse me, can you take a hologram us?

Gems down, bitches.

Can you get a higher angle?

-[ Grunts ] -Ooh!

Ugh, I look like such a Hutt.

-Priya Kellsarian? -Yeah?

Did I do something wrong? -Affirmative.

You almost had a bachelorette party

without a stripper.

Nice blaster! [ Chuckles ] Yeah!

♪ Light-speed lover, always when I need you ♪

♪ A billion parsecs couldn't keep us apart ♪

♪ Lightspeed lover! Bugga bugga ya ya ♪

♪♪

♪ Lightspeed lover! Bugga bugga ya ya ♪

♪ Nanna vo zaza wa! ♪