Original subtitles

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Where are your red balloons? I'm running low.

We're out of red balloons, actually,

but we have these balloons.

I'll make it work.

[ Both grunting ]

♪♪

Stupid living skeletons.

What's even holding you guys up?

My bones are holding me up.

Bones are connected by ligaments and tendons.

I guess I don't get what you're asking.

Oh, listen. This is your ulna.

This is your radius. This is your humerus.

Therefore, if I cut away your ulna and radius

from the humerus with my sword,

like so... What?! Dude!

...am I even cutting through?

It's a containment field that binds us together.

Where'd you hear that? We all got a pamphlet

when they formed us from the Hydra's teeth.

And you read this pamphlet with no eyes?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You just blew my mind.

[ Gasps ] We don't have minds! We don't have minds!

See? It's bananas from start to finish.

I'm flipping out, man. I'm flipping the fuck out.

I'm scared, man.

Hold me tight. I'm scared, too.

I'm just gonna leave you to this.

♪ Tattoo, tattoo ♪

My Maui demigod powers will be unmatched

once I have the sea tattooed across my back.

Uh-huh.

And now a sneak peek at

the gender-flipped reboot of "Splash."

Well, I'm certainly...hooked.

I wish the Cat in the Hat were here. Me too.

As you wish.

I take it back. What?

I'm experimenting with my look.

You look like a reply guy with a ska band. What's a ska band?

You look like a Reddit user with a podcast. Redditor...

You look like a guy who watches

Little League games through binoculars. I hate sports!

You look like a guy who sleeps

in the supply closet of a GameStop.

You look like Sugar Ray's tour manager.

I manage the shit out of Sugar Ray.

If we're gonna find the ghost that's haunting this old

rock 'n' roll venue, we need to split up.

Daphne and I will go this way.

And, like, Scoob and I will go this way.

Ha ha!

Oh. So the ugly one's left alone to be murder bait again.

Awesome, guys.

Ohh! [ Laughs evilly ]

You're trespassing in the home

of the Diabolical Disc Demon.

Prepare to be --

Oh, fuck! Shit!

Let me guess. You're a middle-aged white guy

posing as a phantom rock star

in order to scare some record producers

out of their royalties. Well, when you summarize it,

I sound like a fucking dork.

I'm going home to put my head inside a box of wine.

You know, I like boxed wine.

Ohh!

Oh, yeah! Ow! I'm taking your vagina

straight to the top of the charts, baby.

Should I -- Should I take the mask off?

No! Leave it on!

It stays. Why break the mystery?

Velma: The Scooby gang never caught another villain,

but I caught them all...

plus herpes from the Miner 49er.

The Scooby gang's Yelp reviews fell to zero stars.

Revenge was mine.

Velma, can I tell you a secret?

Last time we all split up, Fred and I made out.

Oh, Daphne, you're so bad.

♪♪

Give me the child.

Let me rule over you, Sarah,

and you'll receive everything a girl

could want. Love me, and I'll forever be your slave.

Dude, I'm 16. You are so canceled.

Canceled?! Now,

let's not blow this out of proportion.

I mean, we both made mistakes.

You, you wished your brother away.

Yeah. I'm a moody teen.

You're an adult man gyrating in spandex,

saying you want to be my slave.

What's next? You gonna ask for a picture of my feet?

You're so gross. I'm an eternal being.

It's not sexual for me. Look into the crystal.

You'll see a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Oh, my God. And the magic tricks you're always doing.

No way you learned those to impress adult women.

Wait, is that why you stopped time? So girls like me

will never turn 18?

Well, now you're just twisting

everything to make it seem worse.

Oh, my God!

Just wait until I post about this on Twitter.

Wait, Sarah. Come on now. I'm begging you.

These goblins depend on me. I have a career as a king.

Yeah. We haven't even covered the power imbalance.

You're a monarch, and I'm a babysitter.

I remember. [ Gasps ] I remember the words!

#MeToo!

Ruinous response!

Ooh! This mattress is just right.

It's not too big, it's not too small.

Get out of my store, you freak.

[ Slow music plays ]

Dude. I can't believe your dad volunteered

to chaperon the dance. Ugh!

I know. So embarrassing.

Hi, son. Holy shit, dude.

Pig Boy's here.

-Pig Boy's here! -He's right there!

[ Squeals ]

Young man: Pig Boy! [ Snorting ]

Gah! Pig Boy is so cool.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Dude! Pig Boy's eating your dad's pants.

Okay, now, please -- Hey, please stop chewing.

Oh, my God!

Pig Boy, the most popular boy in school,

is eating my dad's pants. So cool!

Hey, Logan, is that your dad being chased around by Pig Boy?

No, Pig Boy, stop.

Please, someone help me.

Uhh...yeah.

Wow. You must be really cool,

if Pig Boy is chasing your dad around.

Oh, you're crushing it, dude!

Young man: Hey, is that your dad getting eaten by Pig Boy?

Remember me as more than just this torso.

Pig Boy totally ate your dad! Awesome.

That makes Logan the second most popular boy in school,

right behind Pig Boy.

That's the rule.

Together: [ Chanting ] Logan! Logan! Logan!

[ Choking ] Logan! Logan! Logan!

Aaahhhh!

Dude, bro,

Pig Boy's choking on your dad.

[ Record scratching ]

Don't die on me, Pig Boy.

[ Squeals ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

Together: [ Chanting ] Pig Boy! Pig Boy!

Oh, Pig Boy,

what would we do without you?

Pig Boy! Pig Boy!

Ah, here I go close the time loop.

Into the steel. No!

This is cheese. Cheese?

Affirmative. Nacho cheese.

-It's actually pretty good. -Huh?

[ Siren chirps ] Man: Hey, you kids! Get out of the cheese!

Oh, no, it's his cheese! Run!

Hey, if some hooded thug comes at me, I stand my ground.

You step to me, you're gonna fucking die.

Um, I'd like to file, like, 80 malpractice suits.

Did I drink too much beet juice again?

No, Anna. You're getting your period.

Hello. I'm Menstrual Care Bear.

I thought Care Bears brought things like cheer

and birthday wishes.

Oh, we provide whatever children need

at any particular moment.

Hugs, rainbows, feminine hygiene products.

Let's go!

Why does this hurt so much?

Uterine cramping.

Of course, the 5 pounds of Funfetti frosting you

just inhaled like an anteater to distract

from the pain didn't help. [ Laughs ]

Here, take some painkillers. Yay.

[ Grunting ] Whee!

Whoopsie!

That may have been a bit over the recommended dosage.

That's supposed to go up there?!

But don't leave it in for more than eight hours.

You could get toxic shock syndrome and die.

I could what?!

Now, you get a running start,

and I'll spear your vagina.

This is how all girls do it. Ahhh!

Well, this has been fun, but don't worry.

I'll be back before you know it -- in 28 days.

Every month?

This is the worst!

If I don't show up, you get to meet Natal Care Bear.

Putting in a tampon's way easier than getting your GED, kid.

Aaaaahhh!

They said it couldn't be done, but I played "The Sims"

for eight days straight, living on nothing but Alpine frost,

Mountain Dew, and Adderall, and I'm doing fi--ine!

[ Snoring ]

[ Yawns ]

[ Speaking foreign language ]

Was that Simlish?

Oh, my God. I've "Jumanji'd" myself into "The Sims"!

Good morning, sleepyhead.

You're my Sim wife?

Oh, my God! So cool!

Want to WooHoo?

I'm sorry. Do you mean my Woo in your Hoo?

Yes, please.

WooHoo!

Wow, that was amazing!

I didn't even have to take my clothes off.

Honey, I think I'm pregnant.

I'm gonna be a dad?

I freaking love being a Sim!

♪ Being a Sim is the best kind of life ♪

♪ Just had a baby with my super-hot wife ♪

♪ Not clear what my job is, but it pays real good ♪

Check it out. I bought a spaceship!

♪ And if I run out of money, I just say "rosebud" ♪

♪ I love being a Sim ♪

[ Deep voice ] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Wow, another great day of being a Sim!

What the...

Oh, God! It's happening again!

He's getting bored.

Who's getting bored?

The teenage boy who controls our universe.

Every now and then, he gets bored, and things go bad.

Hey, he deleted the bathroom.

He knows that without it, we'll piss ourselves.

And he thinks that's funny.

That sick son of a...

[ Sloshing ] Aw!

You know, that is kind of funny.

Does it eventually evaporate, or do we have to clean this?

We have to go. Soon he'll start dropping people in pools

so they drown. To the spaceship!

Whee! Ha ha! Aah!

See you in hell, mysterious demigod.

Aah! Oh, no. Aah!

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Oh! Oh, my God. It was me all along,

I was the bored demigod torturing those poor Sims.

[ Sniffing ]

Oh, man. And I pissed myself for real.

Well, this isn't fun at all. Well, I guess

I'll just take out my anger on those digital hostages.

They don't really have feelings after all.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Stoopid Monkey.