Original subtitles

[ Theme music playing ]

♪♪

♪♪

It's alive!

♪♪

♪♪

Naruto, you have the Fox of Nine Tails spirit within you.

But to become the leader of the Konoha village,

you must first survive the ninja exam!

♪♪

Let the ninja exam begin!

Whoo-ha!

"Think of a ninja you admire,

and list three of the qualities

that make him or her a good leader.

Which quality do you share with him or her?

Which quality could you improve upon?"

Oh, my fucking God.

♪♪

Essay section!

♪♪

Time!

Multiple choice!

Make a butterfly design.

Teachers love when you get creative.

No, they don't.

Time! Ha-ha-ha!

Written section, 86%.

Essay section!

Essay! Section!

Good thesis statement,

backed up by some real bullshit. Ugh!

Multiple choice!

38%!

Should have at least drawn a butterfly.

[ Sobs ]

Naruto, you have failed!

Aah! Ugh!

[ Sobs ]

However, your father is a very generous donor to our school.

Congratulations! You are a ninja!

Yeah!

Oh, happy day!

Another month down.

Time for this uterus to finally make a baby!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

God damn it! Every month, Charlotte!

Stop gaslighting me!

I hate you!

I'm just thinking of, like,

getting really into line dancing this year, you know?

Ow! Owww! Oww, owww!

[ Whispering ] You're bleeding through your pants again.

God damn it! Every fucking month, uterus!

Announcer: Welcome to "Legends of Hardball,"

the all-star game for ball players

with hilarious names.

Yes, folks, these are actual baseball players.

Tonight, it's a classic pitching duel between Rollie Fingers

and Catfish Hunter.

And here comes leadoff batter Johnny Dickshot!

John Oscar Dickshot,

lifetime batting average of .276

and born well before the internet, thankfully.

Fingers with a slider.

And it's a high hard one to center field!

Here comes Pete LaCock and Dick Cox,

and no one is calling fair ball.

Oh! It's a Cock slam!

Well, there's a rare sight, folks --

two Cocks, no ball.

Johnny Dickshot rounds second base.

Ty Cobb is waving him in.

Dickshot's going all the way!

But Rusty Kuntz queefs the ball

down the third baseline to Trey McNutt.

And here comes Dickshot right into McNutt!

Umpire Harry Colliflower with the call.

Safe!

Manager Kevin Quackenbush does not like that call one bit.

[ Duck squabbling ]

[ Fanfare plays ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ Melancholy music plays ]

Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly!

[ Sobbing ] Ugly! Guh!

Mmph. Delicious!

[ Sobbing ] Ugly, ugly!

Ugh!

Mmm!

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

I'm lovin' it.

It's over, Hans.

You're about to die hard.

You'll die hard too -- die harder, McClane.

I've got terrorists on every floor of this building.

I already told 'em I was coming to kill you.

They know you're finished.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Ugh!

Aah!

Aaah!

Aww.

You guys are so sweet.

Ugh!

Merry Christmas, sweetie.

It's Baby Secret!

The doll that whispers private things!

Tell me a secret! [ Giggles ]

Santa Claus is a lie. [ Gasps ]

Tell me another secret, Baby Secret.

Your older sister's your real mom.

Your mom's your grandma!

Huh?! [ Cord snaps ]

Oh, shit. You killed me!

Fuck you!

She was right about your sister.

Please, Pinhead, let us go!

Never! Your suffering shall be eternal in this hellscape --

Woman: Pinhead! Pinhead!

Mama needs you, sweetums.

Uh...y-you will rue the day when --

I can hear your monologuing!

Do you need to take care of that?

What, Mom?! Gosh!

Honey, I need your help with a sewing pattern.

I'm out of pins. Ugh.

Pin, a pin... Ow! Alright, that's enough.

A safety pin? How'd you get in there?

You got -- You got enough. Oh!

[ Grunting ]

Please help me, Jesus!

Pouf! Jesus!

Alright, let's do this!

Give him the other cheek.

There you go!

[ Bell dings ]

If I ask you to marry me again,

you will.

Alakazam! Force power!

Hey! Wait!

We can do that?!

We know where she is --

Ah! Aah! Aah!

[ Snap! ] Not fair!

Force magic!

Wah!

[ Applause ]

Ugh! Augh!

-Heyyy! -Wow!

W-Where did that come from?

Ah! Ah!

Yah! Ta-da!

-Where'd Commander Ren go? -Just vanished!

Ta-da! [ Laughter ]

Magic! What?!

Thank you. Thanks.

Lightsaber! Flowers!

Both: The Force, ladies and gentlemen!

The Force!

Are you seriously rolling your eyes?

That was amazing.

It's been so boring since the blizzard hit.

We haven't had a guest in weeks!

What should we do today?

Oh! We haven't bullied Mr. Moseby yet.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in days.

Is that a calculator?

I think it's called a tap-writer.

Let's go fart in his ear.

He'll love that.

Do you want to read my novel?

[ Both scream ]

I need notes!

-Big wheelers! -Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

♪ There's a ghost in that room ♪

♪ One writin' "redrum" on the wall ♪

♪ Zack and Cody had the suite life ♪

♪ Now they've got haunted halls ♪

Come play with us, Zack and Cody.

There's only room for one set of twins

in this hotel!

I thought we were special!

♪ Used to be they had a lucky streak ♪ Aah! Twins!

♪ Now they're practically in hell ♪ Fuck you! Assholes.

♪ Turns out life ain't always sweet ♪

♪ When you live in a hotel ♪

Whew! Think we lost 'em.

"Tipton Ball, July 4, 1921"?!

I knew Mr. Moseby was old, but not 300 years old.

It makes sense if he's a g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!

[ Elevator bell dings ]

This is so not sweet!

Heeeeere's Marion!

Wait. Your name's Marion?

-Oh, my God! -Laughter! Ah-ha-ha

That's so embarrassing!

That's on your driver's license?!

You have to put that on your job applications and stuff?!

Har har har! Ah-ha-ha!

Whoa!

John Wayne's first name was Marion.

♪ This is "The Shining Life" ♪

Oh, boy, my aunt Trudy sent me a free membership

to MasterClass instead of the life-size

Chewbacca pillow buddy I requested,

which was definitely not for sexual purposes.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Ooh! Martin Scorsese teaches filmmaking.

Maybe he'll finally explain his heresy

against the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Welcome to my MasterClass.

I'll start with the films that influenced me as a young man.

First up, Ozu's tone poem, "A Story of Floating" --

Oh, this is incredibly entertain--

[ Snoring ]

Uh, where am I?

You talking to me?

Oh, my gosh, it's Ben Stiller's dad.

You know, I wouldn't have pegged him for a Yondu fan.

Nice Mohawk, Mr. Focker.

That's Travis Bickle,

the troubled anti-hero from my film "Taxi Driver."

And you're Iris,

the teen runaway he ultimately rescues.

Eeee, action!

I have a taxicab confession.

I've n-- I've never seen this movie.

Geez, you're so handsy. Time to sell that body, honey.

Mr. White!

Ah! Sleep gun!

Pow pow pow pow! Gun noises!

You're safe, Iris.

Now I must go to my tiny studio apartment.

to scrapbook.

Oh, my gosh. Teen runaways?

Harvey Keitel?

Scrapbooking?!

I always thought "Taxi Driver"

was that Queen Latifah movie where she doesn't rap.

But this is awesome. At its best,

cinema surprises us with the way it makes us feel.

Right, like when Yondu dies in "Guardians 2."

Have you ever cried and been aroused at the same time?

The power of cinema!

Even a garbage space movie can elicit emotion.

Garbage?

I mean, it wasn't as good as "Guardians 1,"

but garbage? [ Chuckling ]

♪ Open up your eyes, kid ♪

♪ There's so much more to see ♪

♪ Than nerd jack fantasies ♪

♪ Ohhhhhh ♪

♪ It's a great big cinematic world out there ♪

♪ With subjects to challenge you and me ♪

♪ From aught-two when Méliès took a trip to the moon ♪

♪ To Hitchcock shanking Janet in that psycho's bathroom ♪

Al Hitchcock turned the film world upside down

by killing who we thought was the protagonist of "Psycho"

in the second reel. Crazy!

Um, you know what else is crazy?

That knife's not even touching me.

As a matter of fact, the blade never even got close to her.

But the audience was certain they'd seen it go stabby-stabby.

You should see "Friday the 13th Part 3D."

It looked so real, I wet myself.

That's a power of cinema!

Wheeeeeee!

♪ Easy Rider's hippies showed the world's changing tide ♪

♪ And gangster tropes got bang-bang-banged ♪

♪ In "Bonnie and Clyde" ♪

Bonnie, I am impotent.

Eh, I'm cool with that.

Oh, my gosh, did this really happen in the movie?

A slow-motion ballet of bloodshed.

Ah, like "Step Up 2: The Streets."

Agree to disagree.

This is the ultimate takedown of murderous criminals

the audience has actually come to root for.

This is so cool!

Ugh, agh, eee!

Say, how long does this go on for?

Geh! Aah! Aah!

Oh! Oh.

[ Chuckling ] It was just a dream.

But I learned so much about the power of cinema.

So did I. Poor Yondu.

You know, I'm rethinking my whole stance

on the Marvel Universe.

I hope you don't mind me telling you

I'm at full mast here.

And the student becomes the adjunct professor.

So, what time does your mom make dinner?

It's Tuesday. I'm thinking tacos,

followed by "Step Up 2: The Streets."

Uhhh... I call it "Step Up Tuesday."

Now, "The Irishman,"

it was too fucking long.

Wha-- Mother! Rude!

I'm so sorry, Marty.

I call him Marty.

We're friends. No, we're not.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Stoopid Monkey.