Original subtitles

[ Theme music playing ]

♪♪

♪♪

It's alive!

♪♪

♪♪

Who watches the Watchmen?

Heh... Ah, shit, they're onto us!

[ Rustles ]

[ Pop music playing ]

♪ If you're goin' to be our lice host ♪

♪ We're going to latch onto your head ♪

♪ This one belongs to Jessica ♪

♪ And she just turned ten ♪

♪ Lice breed in close proximity ♪

♪ We multiply with ease ♪

♪ She picked us up in the ball pit ♪

♪ At a local Chuck E. Cheese ♪

♪ So, here's the deal on parasites, baby ♪

♪ It's really hard to get rid of her and her and me ♪

♪ Got nits on the root, laying eggs to boot ♪

♪ Got bugs in your rug from a dirty fella's nugs ♪

♪ Use shampoo, you better rinse, repeat ♪

♪ Look at me, ha-ha, I'm in the laundry ♪

-Lice Girls! -You are never going to

Chuck E. Cheese ever again.

What do you think we abducted this time, Zandar?

I dunno, Zortex, probably another cow or farmer.

Whatever it is, get ready for probes city!

[ Roaring ]

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!

Aah!

[ Screaming ]

[ Splat ]

I regret everything!

[ Roaring ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Warbling ]

Courage sure looks relaxed.

Ahh.

Oh, how many Prozac did you give him?

Enough.

Oh! [ Roaring ]

Stupid dog! Help us!

He can't! The Prozac!

That's gonna leave a mark!

Oh, my!

Ah! Stupid Prozac!

[ Courage sighs contentedly ]

♪ I've been a bad, bad dog ♪

♪ Bad dog ♪

♪ I've been a careless man's best friend ♪

-♪ Woof ♪ -♪ Oh ♪

So I said we should all pitch in on a coffee maker,

since we all enjoy coffee. Coffee maker?

That's what I said. [ Squeaking ]

It's General Leia!

She's right outside the window!

Move the ship! We need to help her inside!

I hear we might get a coffee maker.

Well, it makes sense. We all enjoy coffee.

[ Thud ] Oh, my God!

Man: Damn it, we got to catch up to her!

Man: Pull up alongside her,

we can pull her through the side door.

Man: Yeah, let's open the door to space!

That should have no consequences.

I can't reach her. Turn the ship.

Aah, no, that was too fast!

[ Thudding ]

She's coming back! Turn the ship again!

♪♪

Come on, come on, almost there, come on.

Yay! Excited cheering!

What did I miss?

We're getting a coffee maker!

[ Shopkeeper's bell rings ]

Ah, Squall Leonhart, I heard you were coming to town,

but I didn't dare dream you'd walk into my humble store!

I am always looking for new and unusual weapons.

For you see, I'm the master of...zapow!

The gun blade!

Cuts like a sword, and when I pull the trigger,

it vibrates extra hard -- bzzt!

Inflicting super mega damage on my foes!

I doubt you have anything for sale as cool as this.

Ah, don't be so sure --

[ Crash, roaring ]

Aah! Aah! Fuckin' bear!

Oh, Goddamnit, ahh! [ Vibrating ]

[ Munch, squelches ]

[ Roars, hatch squeaks and thuds ]

[ Whooshing ]

Ugh, all right, Neo, you can make your one phone call.

Thank you.

Connection, disappearing. Hey!

♪ I'm only a bill, yes, simply a bill ♪

Whoa! Wow.

Stealing the Declaration of Independence

was easier than I thought.

It's inside, you idiot!

Now, where did that little anthropomorphic

rolled up piece of paper go?

Wait, was it never here? Am I having an acid flashback?

Oh, my God, I'm freaking out! This stupid Prozac!

[ Screaming ]

[ Blade rings, bear roars ]

[ Sword vibrating, man screaming ]

[ Roar, munch ]

[ Grunting, sword vibrating ]

[ Cartoony sound effects ]

I am the terror that quack in the night!

I am the poison ivy rash on the nuts

that ruined your hunting trip!

Now that Darkwing Duck is here --

[ Gunshot ] Jesus! Gah, what the --

[ Groaning ]

[ Gunshot ]

Flapping ineffectively -- I'm a duck!

Why the hell can't I get out of here?!

Gah, shoulder hit! Highly survivable.

Okay, D.W., ready to hit the road?

[ Gunshot ] Aah!

Launchpad, is that you?

[ Gunshot ] Oh, God, why?!

Uncle Scrooge? Aah!

Dewey! [ Gunshot ]

♪♪

Greetings, viewers!

You may call me the Lookie-Loo,

for that is my name.

I have transported you to my battle dome

on the planet Iowyo.

[ Roaring, flames roar ]

This is Fang Banger!

He will soon destroy your planet.

Only Earth's strongest can hope to stop him.

But who is your mightiest super team?

Let the Secret Infinity Contest of Crisis Champions begin!

♪ Secret Infinity Contest of Motherfuckin' Crisis Champions ♪

♪ Cha-cha-cha Cheese League, Cheese League, baby! ♪

Colby! The leader and the brain!

Cheddar! He's straight up making it rain!

Brie! Sexy mama with a Southern sass!

Muenster! Buff and handsome, bustin' ass!

And don't forget about Baby Swiss!

♪ Baby! Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha Cheese League! ♪

♪ Squatch Squad, Squatch Squad ♪

♪ come get your crotch gnawed by the Squatch Squad ♪

Bigfoot!

Peace on Earth is his goal!

Spacesquatch!

He's comin' for your black hole!

Batsquatch!

Echolocates with sonar!

-Skunk Ape! -He's got a stinky faux-nar!

Sheep Squatch!

Don't you call him a lamb!

-Blurryfoot! -Never caught on cam!

♪ Squatch Squad, baby, Squatch Squad! ♪

♪ Road Hawgs, grab a cheese log and roll these dawgs ♪

♪ They're the Road Hawgs ♪

-Man Pig! -More man than pig!

-Pig Man! -Favorite Newton fig!

-Flank! -Favorite Campbell knee!

And don't forget about Steve!

♪ Road Hawgs, up your fucking ass with Road Hawgs! ♪

♪ Hang on to your ass, here comes Bigfoot in Bigfoot! ♪

♪ One's a beast and one's a truck ♪

♪ Yes, we know you already saw Bigfoot on that other team ♪

♪ But this one's different! ♪

♪ Bigfoot in Bigfoot! ♪

♪ You won't get chiseled by the Marble Mob ♪

♪ Gettin' their rocks off on the job ♪

♪ Marble Mob, Marble Mob ♪

-David! -A straight-up masterpiece!

-Venus de Milo! -Don't need arms

to bitch-slap your niece!

-The Thinker. -He's gonna blow your mind!

-Manneken Pis! -His pee will make you blind!

-Abe Lincoln! -He invented basketball?

♪ Marble Mob, don't be a slob ♪

♪ You idiotic knob-job, get down with the Marble Mob! ♪

Now then,

the tournament grid will be divided thusly.

Warning, warning, oxygen levels approaching fatal minimums.

[ Grunts ]

[ Alarm blaring ]

Baa! [ Gunshot ]

[ Alarm blaring ]

Sorry, the Fang Banger will definitely eat

the entire earth now.

We gave it the old college try, though.

That's what's important.

Peace out, yo!

[ Beeping ]

Fuckin' bear!

[ Roaring ]

Bored with the same old Easter? Yeah!

Resurrection of Christ not holding their attention?

It sure isn't!

Now Easter can really get hoppin'!

God sacrificed his only son,

so you won't have to sacrifice the fun.

Mom and Dad love to hop,

even Grandma just can't stop!

The Jesus Pogo Sticks commercial aired to

a world wide Super Bowl audience.

And at that precise moment, the rapture began.

God could take no more.

[ Adventure music ]

Mind control tigers?

You're usually more of a snake guy.

I know, but my exotic animal guy had a deal on tigers

I couldn't pass-ss up.

We can't go hand-to-hand with tigers, Duke!

We're not trained to deal with them!

Luckily, we have someone who is --

I'd like to introduce our newest recruit -- everyone, meet

Joe-e-e Exotic!

Howdy, Joes, y'all, we're looking for someone

who knows how to handle tigers and gaslight two meth addicted

husbands, you've got a bull's eye.

Okay, let's get to that machine

and destroy it before it's too late.

Yo, Joe!

Here we go, attack, hut, hut!

We're under attack!

Mind control button push!

[ Sinister laugh ]

Tigers, kill all the Joes!

[ Roaring ]

The tigers are coming!

Aah! My arm!

Go, go, go. Flank 'em to the right!

Flank 'em to the left! Oh!

You gotta -- you gotta do something!

[ Playing Country tune ]

♪ Hey, Cobra kitties ♪

♪ Fuckin' papa's gonna sing you a song ♪

♪ Hey, Cobra kitties ♪

♪ Can't we all just get along? ♪

♪ Hey, Cobra kitties ♪ -Aah! Cobra kitties!

♪ It's time to let Cobra go ♪

♪ Hey, Cobra kitties ♪

♪ It's time to be a G.I. Joe ♪

Way to go, Exotic -- now it's you who controls the tigers!

Girl, I've always controlled these tigers.

Kill that fucking Cobra asshole!

Oh! Run away!

Somebody stop these stupid cats!

Oh! Oh! Run away!

Way to go, Joe!

How do you get that tight outfit on and can I watch?

Look here, Carol, this machine you sold me doesn't work.

What happened to the Baskin guarantee?

Well, cats and kittens, it worked on my husband.

It should work just fine.

Oh, my God. She admitted it.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Stoopid Monkey.