Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Clicks ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Arnold.

The circumference of your giant football head,

it's like you want me to notice you.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Watch where you're going!

I'm internal monologuing!

Ow! Ow!

My wheelie scooter!

Did I just kill someone?

No, I didn't. You made me do it, Arnold.

I killed for your love.

We're bound to be together, Arnold.

We just have to get rid of the people who stand in our way.

That's weird. Gerald was supposed to meet me

after school.

It may be hard to handle at first,

but you'll realize it was for the best.

I did this to protect you.

That's weird. Grandma and Grandpa said

they'd be home in time for dinner.

You have no choice but to love me just as much as

I love you.

Helga? Also Abner!

Bedtime!

Hey, Arnold.

You don't know how long I've waited to say that.

Helga, you're a murderer.

If you only knew that you were a murderer, too.

A murderer of my heart, my soul, my loins.

Uh, hello?

Sorry, slipped into my internal monologue again.

Aw, screw this. Hyah!

Huh, really should've made my macaroni hostage cage

a little sturdier.

Oh, Arnold, I didn't know you were into this kind of thing.

So hot!

Hey, Arnold.

What, goddamn it?

Huh? Last words.

Wait, my obsession is dead.

Kind of frees up a lot of my time.

Maybe I work on becoming a more

three-dimensional character.

[ Coughing ] Hey!

Drink some water! Get help!

Oh, my God, are you alright?

Does anyone know the Heimlich?

[ Roaring ]

Okay, why aren't you guys screaming?

Steve? What the fuck, man?

What? What "what?" You stole my moment!

Jerry, the world doesn't revolve around

you insecurities, you know?

Fuck you. I quit.

You can just kill the rest of the crew by your own damn self.

Man: I've returned to base.

Copy that, Tokidoki leader.

Stop picking at my ship, you jerk.

Whoa! My donut UFO is delicious,

but you're destroying the aerodynamics!

Fine, have it your way.

Suck my sprinkles!

[ Laughing ]

[ Birds squawking ]

No, no, please! I have a family, I have a family.

Don't do this!

Oh? Tell me more about this family.

Is that Daddy, Mom?

Please, not in front of my family.

No, no. You've got it backwards.

No! Bam! Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Bam!

Not my kids! Spread the word.

Donutella's UFO is off limits to birds.

Fuck you!

You let your UFO get ate by birds again?

You know every time we fix it, we got to bake a new donut.

Costs us like 12 bucks in ingredients.

I just killed a bunch of crows over 12 bucks?

You mean murder?

A bunch of crows is called a murder of crows.

Oh.

♪ Marble Mob ♪

♪ Protectors of the art world ♪

♪ Super-famous statues on a global search ♪

♪ For art thieves, forgers ♪

♪ And illegal merch ♪

David!

It's bigger close up.

Venus!

Not armed, still dangerous.

Thinker. I think,

therefore I kick ass!

Man that can piss! You're really pissing me off.

Abe Lincoln! Lincoln smash!

♪♪

♪ Marble Mob ♪

Oh, we got a hit on Van Gogh's The Painter on His Way to Work.

Stolen by the Nazis in 1945.

Art thieves really pissed me off.

I think...he should wear a diaper, right?

There's piss everywhere.

I arranged a meet-up with a seller in South America.

A Mr. Johnny Bourbon.

He wants $800 for the painting.

Landing.

That painting is worth 500 mil.

Sound like good deal.

I think...it is a trap.

[ German accent ] Hello! I am Johnny Bourbon,

a normal South American surfer dude

with a priceless painting I need to sell cheap

so I can buy more Huarache sandals, yo!

First we're gonna need to verify the work's authenticity.

Venus? X-ray arm power, go!

It's a forgery trap!

Fools! [ Laughs ]

I lured you here for one last Nazi art heist

of the greatest statues of all time,

the Marble Mob!

Which is a weird name since some of you

are clearly made of other materials.

You're marble. That's fine.

But that's...clay?

Marvel Mob, mop up!

-Super high jump! -Forward and upward motion!

Super landing! Earthquake!

I can't swim without arms!

♪ Marble Mob! ♪

Mr. Dracula, here's your insurance card back.

Thanks a lot. [ Chuckles ]

Do you see the pun --

Blue cross?! Aah!

Oh, sorry, you're with Kaiser.

Sorry I stole your Batsuit, Bruce.

It's Mr. Wayne to you.

Everyone thinks they can be Batman

without putting in the work.

Sir, I'll do whatever it takes.

Fine. Your training starts now.

Open the walker. Close the walker.

Stir the Metamucil.

No clumps.

[ Grunting ]

Stew the prunes. Faster.

You're ready.

♪♪

Remember the training, kid.

Open the walker.

Stir the Metamucil.

Stew the prunes.

Behind you!

Bat coffee enema!

Uh, that was not part of the training.

Whoa. Oh, my God.

I think we've learned something about enemas, though.

And this is my moving castle.

So you live in your car?

Uh, no, it's different.

I am the cat who likes sleeping!

I am the cat who likes cheese.

I am the cat who does cat things.

I am the cat who says, "Please."

I am the cat who wears clothing!

I am the cat who wears none.

♪ Like you watching us on the big screen ♪

♪ We want our lives to be done ♪

♪ But Old Deuteronomy won't let us die ♪

♪ Why, Deuteronomy, why? ♪

Garfield: It must be a Monday!

Cats: ♪ Monday ♪

Garfield: ♪ I am the cat who hates Mondays ♪

♪ Mondays, bah, Mondays ♪

♪ I am the cat who hates Mondays ♪

♪ I'm Garfield, the Monday-hating cat ♪

♪ He's okay with Tuesdays and Wednesdays ♪

♪ And Thursdays and Fridays are fine ♪

♪ Saturday's good, and Sunday is a pit ♪

Garfield: ♪ But Monday's a pain in my behind ♪

♪ I'm not morbidly obese, I'm under-tall ♪

♪ I'll steal your lasagna and I'll eat it all ♪

♪ I'm handsome as hell, that's just my curse ♪

♪ Oh, I'm late for my nap, so let's finish this verse ♪

♪ Obnoxious yawn! ♪

Cats: ♪ He's Garfield, the cat who hates Mondays ♪

♪ Mondays, blah, Mondays ♪

♪ He's Garfield, the cat who hates Mondays ♪

I've chosen!

Garfield gets to die.

Garfield: Off to die.

Fucking Mondays.

Cats: ♪ He's Garfield, the Monday-hating... ♪

Garfield: Words from the afterlife.

Shut the fuck up.

Hey, could you two tone it down?

You're not the only ones who signed up for the Groupon.

Everyone, we didn't make it to semi regional national almost

world's tri-state college a cappella championships.

But there's always next year for the City College Queens!

Dun-dun-dun-duuuun!

I heard this is where the City College Queef Club meets.

Well, get ready, ladies,

'cause I'm about to let one... ♪ riiiip ♪

[ Queefs ] No, we're the City College Queens.

an a cappella group.

Sounds like one of them mouth fart bands.

Just queefing with you upstairs holes instead.

Can you please leave?

Actually, I can't. Turns out if you

take a blackout wiz in the quad fountain enough times,

it's grounds for a lawsuit, so the school board boners

made me choose between community service and Glee Club.

Guys, we do need someone on backup vocals.

Lisa has nodes.

From choking down too many chodes, am I right?

Lisa has throat cancer.

Deepthroat cancer.

[ Laughs ]

Sorry about your friend.

♪ Me, me, me, me ♪

Wow, check out the narcissist.

It's actually a traditional vocal warm-up.

So's this!

Okay, let's move on to song selection.

We can only perform these common-use songs

approved by the school.

Okay, let's go from the top.

♪ Put her in the kitchen and lock her up ♪

♪ Smack her on the backside ♪

♪ If she's causing a fuss ♪

And people say I set women back 50 years.

Dang, an underground rave?

You a-ca kids go hard!

♪ We're gonna pump you full of song ♪ It's not a rave.

It's a riff-off!

♪ 'Cause the singing is so sexy, sexy ♪

Who are these Backstreet Bitches?

The Note Nailers.

The college literally pays for their songs

so they can sing about more than cooking dinner

for their husbands. Hey, cock-appella!

The only thing getting nailed tonight are your nards!

[ Grunting ]

Dang! That's some very gib shit right there.

Since the Note Nailers are in the hospital

with broken penises...

Thank me later. Oh, my God.

It looks like we'll be representing City College

at the tri-state semi final quarter penultimate

like almost there, but not but kind of,

oh, my God, regional a cappella tournament!

Now for song choice.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

We're going to hit them with an original.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Queef, queef ♪ ♪ Just a girl with a wanted hole ♪

♪ Lookin' for the perfect man pole ♪

♪ She couldn't find a good dong anywhere ♪

♪ Don't settle for a tiny peen ♪

♪ Whoa, it's sad when you can't feel a thing ♪

♪ Now it's time fo-o-or ♪

♪ Queef solo! ♪

[ All queefing ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunting intensifies ]

[ Queefing continues ]

[ Microphone feedback ]

If you don't give us all 10s, you're sexist pigs.

Announcer: The Queefs win!

although I'm conflicted about how they did it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Tuck that, Ryan Murphy.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Stoopid Monkey.