Original subtitles

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

Oh, yeah. I'm ready.

Give it to me, Rube Goldberg.

Hold on. Let me put on a condom.

[ Mouse squeaking ]

Oh, uh...

Hm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm, yeah.

Uh, uh...

Uh...hmm.

Mm?

Oh, um...

Oh, um, oka-- okay?

[ Train horn blows ] Mm. Uh...

I've lost my erection.

Hey, hey!

Who's knock-knocking on Genie's door?

Hi, uh, Mr. Genie.

I'm one of the bell-ringers you magically created

for Prince Ali's parade today. [ Clanking ]

Uh-huh. Yeah, I-I just remember

appearing next to 30 other dudes dressed in these weird hats

pumping these bells up and down in the air.

Like, do you know who I am?

Do I have a name?

I mean, I know I'm damn good at bells.

[ Chuckles ] Uh, Bellford. Bellford's your name.

Okay, Bell Jar-Jar Binks. Uh, I should turn in.

And you know the 53 peacocks and 95 white Persian monkeys

we were singing about?

Can you wish me, uh, some white Persian monkey food?

They fling poo when they're hungry.

Kevin, buddy, I don't make the wishes.

I make the magic.

What happens afterwards, I quite literally

don't give a shit. Door slam.

[ Animals calling ] It's a no, guys.

A pen. I gave Diane my heart, and she gave me a pen.

Woman: Well, have you tried the pen?

Whoa! Ooh!

[ Both moaning ]

We must stop before Barbie sees us.

Barbie: Ken. [ Gasps ]

Ken, Ken, why did I find this in our bedroom?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Frilly underwear.

[ Dramatic music plays ] Oh, no.

That's nothing, darling. I -- [ Doorbell rings ]

Who could that be? At this hour?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Totally Tattoo Barbie?

But I thought you were discontinued.

I may have been discontinued, but I never die.

In fact, I've totally been living next door

and sleeping with Ken for months.

[ Giggles ] You are totally full of lies.

Oh, yeah? [ Gasps ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Slap, slap! [ Doorbell rings ]

Who could that be? At this hour?

[ Dramatic music plays ] Holiday Memories Barbie?

What are you doing here?

I had amnesia, but I finally got my memory back.

I remember all the holidays I spent with you,

which led me to remember that I am, in fact, your twin sister.

It can't be. I don't remember you.

You got amnesia, too, Barbie.

I mean, look at us. We're identical.

[ Doorbell rings ] Another guest? At this hour?

[ Dramatic music plays ] Picture Pockets Barbie, what are you doing here?

I have a picture in my pocket that you need to see.

[ Dramatic music plays ] [ Gasps ] Ken! How could you?

Slap, slap!

[ Speaks indistinctly ] Slap!

I'm sorry, Barbie, but there's also something you must know.

[ Dramatic music plays ] I am also your twin.

[ Gasps ] [ Gasps ] Oh, yeah.

I also forgot to mention, I'm also your long-lost twin.

Oh, my! [ Gasps ]

I have to admit something, too.

Barbie, I am also your twin.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Oh!

Together: Ken, my love! Oh, no!

We've got to get him to the hospital.

[ Dramatic music plays ] My God, my twin!

Oh, my God!

[ Dramatic music plays ] My God, could it be?

My long-lost twin brother?

I finally found you. Oh, no.

I hate to say this to my own twin brother,

but, Ken, you have a brain tumor, and you are going to die.

[ All crying, speaking indistinctly ]

I also have something to say.

It's a good thing we're at the hospital

because I'm pregnant... [ Barbies gasp ]

with your baby. Mine?

[ Flatline ]

[ All crying, speaking indistinctly ]

Not my brother!

[ Crying ] How will I ever replace my Ken?

Did somebody say "Ken"? [ Dramatic music plays ]

He-llo.

I can't wait to see what Totoro looks like now.

Me, too. Okay, Totoro,

come on out and show us how much weight you lost.

[ Both scream ]

Oh, my God!

My eyes, my eyes!

Ugh, where am I?

Hello, Mark. I want to play a game.

If you can't saw off both your arms in 1 minute,

10 gallons of acid will drop from the ceiling.

Oh, my God. You still ride a tricycle?

What are you, 4? [ Laughs ]

[ Crying ] Hey, kiddo.

Aw, another victim make fun of your trike? Yes.

Well, maybe it's time I teach you how to ride a bike.

This is terrifying.

♪ Jigsaw and Billy riding bikes together ♪

♪ Nothing they can't weather with love on their side ♪

♪ I know you're afraid, but there's nothing to fear ♪

♪ 'Cause Daddy is here to fill you with pride ♪ I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

[ Gasps ] Huh? What's going on?

Hello, Justin. I want to play a game.

You have to cut off your testicles,

then cut out your eyes,

put your eyes where your nuts were, and vice-versa.

[ Laughs maniacally ] Holy shit.

You are a natural on that bicycle.

[ Bicycle bell dings ]

Thanks for the shirt, guys.

I-I can't believe you think I'm the world's --

Ah! There can be only one!

Narrator: He was a championship coach who took on the impossible.

The hell was that?

Foul!

Announcer: The Harlem Globetrotters are running rings

around the Washington Generals. Oh, my God.

The players are getting hypnotized with an umbrella.

Narrator: They told him it was impossible.

Coach, it's not a real game.

Yeah, you're telling me. Guy did a cartwheel out there.

That's not traveling?

Nah, don't you get it?

Our team has been told to lose.

By who, society?

But he wouldn't give up.

We're going to play with the circus.

We're going to train with the circus.

[ Elephant trumpets ]

Are those elephants?

But just when victory seemed within reach...

Great practice, guys.

A little more trampoline work,

and we're -- what's this?

We're the Baltimore Rockets now. You're leaving me?!

Nah, they just change the name sometimes

so it looks like the Globetrotters

play multiple opponents.

We're the same team.

Narrator: ...he lost it all. [ Grunts ]

Chair! Ah!

-[ Grunts ] -Oh!

Go to hell!

You're not leaving me.

I'm leaving you. Whoa!

Narrator: This summer... Let's do it for Coach.

Flying chair!

You ready to be 0 and 16,006?

[ Ting! ]

...the best way to win is to actually start trying. Slam dunk.

[ Groaning ] Slamming the du-u-nk!

You're not supposed to win.

And angels aren't supposed to fly.

[ Buzzer ] [ Chuckles ] Glitter bucket.

Oh, what are you idiots doing? I hired you to lose.

Oh, I'm ruined, ruined.

Excitement, hoot, and holler!

"The Washington Generals."

Hey, Arnold, why you looking so glum on this beautiful day?

It's Mother's Day.

I never got to meet mine because she died in childbirth.

Oh, God. [ Grunting ]

Come on, Mrs. Shortman, just one more push.

You can do it, honey.

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

Is that a football? I've got him. I got him.

[ Grunts, screams ]

[ Blows whistle ] It's good. [ Car alarm blaring ]

Turns out, dads can die in childbirth, too.

Well, hello there, ladies.

We were actually hoping your hot brother was here

to take our order.

You ladies want to skip the movie and take turns making out?

Yeah. Sure, Drake.

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ] Drake has it so easy.

If I looked like him, I'd be the one getting the girls.

Josh, I don't pay you to monologue.

Get back to work. But Drake just left his shift

to go make out with girls again.

Well, maybe if you looked like him,

you'd get the same allowance as he does as a hot person.

If only there was a way

to take his face off his face and put it on my face

and take my face off my face and put it on his face.

Hmm.

Another day of minimum work thanks to my face.

[ Both grunt ]

[ Groans ] What happened?

Aah! Ooh, what's up, brother?

I know we're not related,

but now it's like looking in a mirror.

W-Why do you have my face?

So sorry, brother,

but your days of being the hot, popular one are over.

I took your face off your face and put it on my face

and took my face off my face and put it on your face.

I feel like there's got to be an easier way to say that.

There isn't.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a harem of tween girls to attend to.

Ta-ta. Not my tween groupies.

[ Grunting ] Hug me, brother.

Drake!

Surprise. Where did you get a gun?

Someone on the street gave it to me 'cause I'm hot.

Rhetorical question, brother,

because I've had the same thing happen to me my whole life.

Bang-bang!

[ Speaks indistinctly ] Rat-tat-tat-tat- tat-tat-tat-tat!

Indiscriminate firing!

That's it. Josh, you're fired.

But Josh -- I-I mean, Drake started it!

Doesn't matter. He's hot.

He's allowed to start shootouts in public places.

Thanks, babe. Aah!

Dodge.

[ Siren wailing ] [ Coughs ]

Arrest me. I don't care.

I'll still be hot and popular in prison.

Yeah, a pretty boy like you

is bound to get a lot of attention in the slammer.

Ah, I didn't think this part through. [ Chuckles ]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Stoopid Monkey.