Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Clicks ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Ah, man, shut the door! Okay.

Oh, man, there's so many zombies.

Oh, shit! Grab the shotgun.

Wait, no, don't!

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Pop! ] Huh? What?

Aw, no! Today's April Fools' Day.

I was going to prank you guys.

What kind of prank involves a shotgun?

I don't know, a gun prank?

Run!

We can hide in the closet! Wait, don't!

[ Grunts, groans ]

[ Screams ]

Marcus, April foo-- I'm such an asshole.

Kyle, is this whole house filled with pranks?!

I am so sorry.

[ Gasps, panting ] Whoa. [ Hinge creaks ]

[ Boing! ] Aah! [ Grunts ]

[ Screams ]

Oh, God! I am the April Fool!

It was me all along!

[ Groans ]

I taste hamburger.

You told me these kids were vegan.

April Fools.

You're a dick.

We will now witness Tyrion Lannister's

trial by combat.

Fighting for the king, The Mountain!

Fighting on Tyrion's behalf...

that guy. [ Squeaks ]

[ Growls ]

[ Squeaking ]

♪♪

[ Growls ]

[ Squeaking loudly ]

Looks like a draw to me, Father.

[ Groans ] Too many Appletinis last night.

Where am I? And what did I put my solid snake in?

Shit. Alright, just remember your training.

Crawl. [ Barks ]

Chihuahua? [ Spy music plays ]

Tranq gun. Bang, bang, sleepy.

[ Gasps ]

Where's the exit? The front door is located here.

Woman: Snake? Huh?

Sleeper hold.

Snake? Snake?

Decoy. Huh?

What is this inflatable shit? [ Groans ]

♪♪

There you are.

Do you want to have brunch with my girlfriends?

♪♪

[ Sighs deeply ] Where's my suicide pill when I need it?

Alright, my Smurfs,

we need a new song

about raking up acorns!

[ Bird cries ]

♪♪

Oh, no!

♪♪

You landed on Boardwalk. Pay up, bitch.

Announcer: Do you love Monopoly but wish it addressed

the historical pay disparity between men and women?

What? Then meet Ms. Monopoly.

Gender pay gap? Not on my watch.

But I was winning!

And now you can win in the corporate world

without having to spread your legs.

This is a children's game.

It's never too early to level the corporate playing field.

What?! In Ms. Monopoly,

girls start with more money than the boys.

No hand jobs in the copy room necessary.

Where's the racecar? Where's the dog?

I've replaced the phallic game pieces with tokens

representing the female corporate journey.

A journal, a hand weight, a wineglass.

Don't like it? Shove it up your chauvinist ass!

But I'm always the dog.

Honey, with Ms. Monopoly you could break the glass ceiling

without sitting up and begging to blow the boss.

[ Cries ] Mother: I got your glass ceiling right here.

Little tip. Never blow your boss.

Why are you assuming my boss is a man?

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Were you always this magic, Mike?

Announcer: Performing a series of illusions for us tonight, Magic Mike!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Booing ] Boo, you suck!

Show us your dick!

Audience: [ Chanting ] Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat!

[ Cries ] You don't deserve my gift.

Bananas, America sure is a land of opportunity.

I'm done with this one. Yoink!

I am minding my own business.

Whoa! I seem to be caught in some form of comedy.

Don't let me be a bother, gentlemen.

I am only caught up in a bit of comedy.

Ah, this is the zoo what added a gorilla exhibit.

The comedy approaches a crescendo, I suspect.

And, end with a flourish.

My, what a perfectly realized bit of timeless comedy.

[ Laughs, screams ] [ Growls ]

[ Rapid gunfire ]

Satine, we saved the Moulin Rouge

and can finally be together.

[ Coughs ] I have consumption.

I've known for a few months. That's tuberculosis!

That's highly contagious.

We've been hooking up since April.

I love you and I'm dead.

Has anyone invented penicillin yet?

[ Banging on door ]

You no pay rent, Linda. You get out!

Please, Mr. Cookie, I have no place to go.

You evicted. You go now.

You're a monster! [ Sobs ]

Me know. Me know.

Yo Gabba Gabba -- What the fuck?!

Hell no! Where's Muno? Foofa? Toodee? Brobee? Plex?

I must have grabbed the wrong suitcase at the park.

You got the money? Yeah.

You got the stuff? [ Boing! ]

What are those things? Where's my powder?

Pow! Pow!

[ Vehicle door closes, tires squeal ]

♪ What is death, why do people die? ♪

♪ It's one of life's unanswered questions ♪

♪ And no one knows why

♪ You can die today and you could die anywhere ♪

♪ Like that guy, whose ear is here ♪

♪ But his teeth are over there ♪

What's up, fellas?

I've been looking for you guys everywhere.

Oh, good, there's my suitcase.

Now I can give this cornstarch back to its right--

[ Tires screech ] Ka-boom!

[ Engine revs ]

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

Goliath, I can't wait any longer.

I want to make love to you.

Elisa, the hour is late.

If the sun were to rise during the sex,

my prodigious rock appendage would likely tear you in two.

I'm starting to think you're not packing any heat

under that comically oversized loincloth!

You're too good a cop, Elisa.

It's true. I have no penis.

One night, long ago while I slept,

Xanatos chiseled it off.

I don't care. I love you.

Wow. You are quite a woman.

Jesus, are you fucking my tail?

Have you ever heard the word consent?

Oh, no. It's happening. I'm going to stone.

Oh, yeah. This is going to work out just fi--

Aah! [ Roof crumbles ]

Ooh, I'm sorry, Mr. David,

but your reservation was for 7:00 and it's now 7:15.

That's not on me. I was here at 7:00,

but parking was a nightmare.

You got to give me that 15-minute leeway.

It's a leeway deal.

That's not how the world works, sir.

Well, the world would be a lot better

if there were places to park.

Maybe we need half as many people on the planet.

Hmm.

No leeway. They gotta give you the leeway.

I'd be furious, if not for my new

UNTUCKit shirts button-down

but designed to be worn untucked.

You know what? I can't believe how good it looks.

Weird thing to say about a shirt, but I love it. Jeff?

Turning to ash. What's all this dust?

Thanos snapped half of humanity out of existence

based on your parking rant.

First of all, you said you were going to

be here at 4:00 and you got here at 4:00.

With more people, you wouldn't have found parking

till at least 4:15. Ah, can it, Bernie.

We would have just left 15 minutes earlier.

I'm actually not offended by the Bernie comparison.

Played him on "SNL," made a few bucks.

Great bucks? Eh, okay bucks.

You know Lorne. You ever been on "SNL," Stark?

Nah, Stark's too big. Stark's a big boy.

[ Sighs ] If we want to defeat our enemies,

we'll need your power, the power to annoy people

so much they just give up.

How's the parking? Is there a pass?

I'm going to need an assigned spot.

Now, we go back in time

and collect all the Infinity Stones.

Hey, you want my opinion? Too many Avengers.

I can't remember all these names.

Also some of you are gods,

one of you is good at gym-class archery.

It's uneven. I don't want to go anymore.

[ Whoosh ]

If you want the soul stone,

you'll have to sacrifice something you love.

What are you, nuts? Not my UNTUCKit shirt!

You keep saying how much you love it.

Just get another shirt.

The guy who started the company turned to dust.

You're so annoying!

I give up! No!

You're supposed to use your power on the bad guys!

But my bad might be your good.

Who's good for me might --

Ugh, how can you work with this man?

Auf wiedersehen.

Is Red Man the villain?

Seemed kind of like a Nazi.

Larry, I think you're a villain.

And I think archery is not a sport.

Ah, we're at an impasse, but I'm okay with it.

[ Blows landing, grunting, heroic music plays ]

♪♪

Larry, God damn it, hand the gauntlet to Scarlet Witch!

Who are all these people?

Just run, you whiny asshole.

Aah! My UNTUCKit shirt! No!

I got to get the stain out before it sets!

Avengers: Larry! Larry!

Man: Oh, no! Thanos has all the stones! Oh, yeah. It's working.

It's working. It's working. It's working! Oh, but Iron Man tripped him

and now he's got all the stones.

Iron Man: I am Iron Man!

Man: Oh, my God, it worked!

-But Iron Man is dead. -There we go. No more stain.

[ Melancholy music plays ]

Wow, parking was a nightmare. So which one of you died again?

Scarlet Witch of the West, Fish Oil Man?

Damn it, Larry, you're 15 minutes late.

Where's the leeway?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

[ Monkey chatters ] Man: Stupid monkey!

[ Chatters ] [ Boing! ] [ Hand clap ]