Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Archie ♪

♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪

♪ And Robot Chicken, yeah ♪

♪ The combo you've been waiting for ♪

♪ Jughead ♪

♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪

♪ Oh, Betty, Ronnie ♪

♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪

♪ Reggie and the other ones ♪

♪ God, there are so many other ones ♪

Announcer: It's the

"Robot Chicken Archie Comics Special."

We've picked up a distress signal nearby.

-It's coming from that ship. -It's our duty to investigate.

Josie, we'll be late for Pluto-chella.

[ Giggles ] I thought Venus-palooza was next.

That's after Burning Mars.

Did we commit to Uranus Aid?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

We got to fix the laugh track, guys.

Hello! The distress call.

Speaking of distress,

we forgot to take Sebastian out of cryo sleep.

Whoo-hoo!

Guide it in the back door, Alan, gently.

Actually, Josie, it's the other ship's job to relax.

Thank you very much.

Oh, yeah! Baby!

Say, where's Alan M.?

[ Giggles ] He said he spilled a coconut smoothie

on his lap, and then he fell asleep.

We don't have coconut smoothies.

Hm, no sign of life.

I guess I can re-route the auxiliary power

so we can see their last flight log.

It worked!

Hey, y'all, this is D.J. from DuJour

coming at you with the c-c-c-crisis!

DuJour? I heard their record company

shot them into space after their unique brand of

top 40 homo-erotica fell out of favor.

What do you mean?

"Back Door Lover" is a classic. So is "Fisting in the USA."

Yo, what's up with your boy Travis?

Bummer times on our journey.

And we're here with a wickity wickity warning.

Oh, God. They're going to sing.

♪♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I'll take you to the stars inside ♪

♪ But the price is much too steep ♪

DuJour means may day.

♪ Aboard our ship, our souls so damned ♪

♪ Lurks a danger known as ♪

-Oooh! -DuJour!

[ Screaming ]

DuJour meets death, y'all.

Lee? They must have said a bad word.

[ All screaming ]

-Oh, God! -What the?!

Aah!

Okay, people, we've got just five minutes for corpse selfies,

and then we're back on the road.

[ Camera shutters clicking ] Okay, big smiles.

Selfie!

Mary, I'm home.

Dinner's cold, but I suppose you ate at the bar.

Oh, God, I had one beer.

How much sherry did you pound down making that

two ingredient meat loaf?

Don't raise your voice. You're scaring little Archie.

Oh, you noticed we had a child?

Now that it's convenient?

I play with him all day long, Fred.

I got bruises on my knees.

I'm on the floor playing with him so much.

Oh, you've got bruises all right.

[ Sobs ] From falling down drunk

from sherry, drinking it.

You know what? I want a divorce.

And I'm taking Archie. Archie, come to me.

No, I'm the only mother you'll ever have.

Come to Mommy.

Archie, you love me. Prove it. Choose me.

No, Archie, come to me.

Choose the one you love the most.

Don't you fuck this up, Archie.

Come to me! Come to me!

[ Crying ]

Oh, God, oh, God. What have we done?

I'm so sorry, Archie.

I'm sorry, Mary. Let it be okay.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Oh, Fred, we've scarred them for life.

You'll be fine, won't you, son? You'll -- you'll be okay.

You have to choose Archie, me or Veronica.

Uh, uh, uh...

[ Sobs ]

Uh, what the hell is wrong with him?

Today is Sex Education Day, class.

The boys are with Principal Weatherbee,

the poor bastard.

And I'll be teaching you ladies.

This is the vagina.

[ Gasps ]

We've lost Miss Cooper.

Any other shrinking violets ready to tap out?

Excuse me, but shouldn't we learn about sex

from someone...experienced?

I think what Veronica means is the modern sexual experience

is likely somewhat different than what you grew up with.

I'll have you know I had sex last week.

[ All gasp ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Shudders ]

[ Screams ]

[ Shudders ]

Team work, boys. Team work.

Let me juggle them balls.

Yep, that's hot.

Oh, the hell with this.

I wonder how the Bee is doing.

Raise your hand if you've seen porn.

It will never be that good.

Man: Let the first annual Riverdale Pride parade begin.

Pride Day!

We support you!

Great bravery, Kevin!

Yeah, baby!

Man: And that concludes the Riverdale Pride parade.

That went so much better

than our Black History Month parade, right?

Yeah, a Black history parade with our only Black guy

kind of sucked, Chuck.

You knew I was out of town.

Miss Spellman!

Are you ready to sign the Book of the Beast?!

Mm, I don't know.

This decision will affect my entire life.

-Do it! -Do it!

[ All clamoring ]

Oh...

18% interest on a student loan?

That's bullshit.

What's up, fart sticks?

It's your boy, the myth, the legend, the mantle, Reggie.

[ Bells ringing ]

Announcer: That's a big boy.

I'm here at Sweetwater River Trail

to show you all the places I've totally s-s-s-scored!

Like behind that tree and that smaller tree.

And -- what the hell is this? Is that Jason?

Jason, are you dead, dude? Oh, man.

Did you pork your sister so many times

you kill-basa'd over?

[ Ringing ] [ Laughs ]

Incest is hilarious, man.

That's some "Game of Thrones" shit.

Well, there you have it, nug muffins.

All the places I've gone to Poundtown and a dead body!

Hey, anyone see Principal Weatherbee

come out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck on his shoe?

What a loser.

Don't you mean poor, old, and fat loser?

That's the loser hat trick.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

♪ Mr. Weatherbee wakes each day before the sun ♪

Here we go again.

♪ He boils his egg, making sure the yolk does not run ♪

♪ Or he'll have no fun ♪

[ Sighs ]

♪ Mr. Weatherbee, he gets dressed, picking out a tie ♪

Here we go. You got this.

♪ This he thinks is the way to catch Miss Grundy's eye ♪

♪ But he knows she's rather die ♪

Piece of shit.

♪ He goes to work, which is a school ♪

♪ So he feels rather caught ♪

♪ Not a man and not a boy ♪

♪ His life is rather fraught ♪

♪ He neither teaches nor is taught ♪

♪ He'll see Miss Grundy in the lounge ♪

♪ Sipping her hot tea ♪

♪ If only he were the tea so in her mouth he'd be ♪

♪ Her tongue so slippery ♪

What are you looking at?

♪ Mr. Weatherbee walks the halls ♪

♪ The kids will ignore him ♪

♪ His loneliness unbearable ♪

♪ This life is wearing thin ♪

♪ Maybe tonight he'll make it end ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The red haired he hates the most ♪

♪ But it's really jealousy ♪ Archie!

♪ For Weatherbee would like to be the one ♪

♪ To have Veronica or Betty ♪

♪ Or Veronica and Betty ♪

Their faces practically the same

♪ Differing only by color of their hair ♪

♪ He imagines their smooth young bodies ♪

♪ He wishes he were their underwear ♪

[ Bell rings ] ♪ Suddenly the school bell rings ♪

♪ Waking him from his reverie ♪

♪ He looks down at his open pants ♪

♪ The erection plain to see ♪

♪ They all scream, "Look at him!" ♪

♪ The news helicopter overhead circles endlessly ♪

♪ Gently placed in the police car is Mr. Weatherbee ♪

My phone.

♪ The monster Weatherbee ♪ Anyone would have done it.

I'm just a man. I'm just a man.

What's up, taint tubas?

So it turns out the people aren't huge fans of me

live streaming dead bodies to children.

I "legally" apologize.

[ Ding ]

[ Horns blowing ] Oh, yeah!

So join me tomorrow when I'll be taking a dump

in Betty and Veronica's shoes to see

which one Archie would rather smell.

Hey, Moose. Hey, Midge.

She's mine! Aaah!

Don't ever talk to my Midge!

Moose! Stop being so jealous.

Duh...

Interesting.

"You know who is hot? Midge from Riverdale.

I want to kiss Midge."

Aaah! Aaah!

My Midge!

Duh, duh, duh, duh.

Duh, duh, duh, duh.

No! Duh, duh, duh!

Duh!

Incredible!

Even the Green Berets couldn't cause

this much damage, Midge.

Midge?

Aaaah!

My Midge!

Incredible!

Well, I'll be damned. We had coconut smoothies

this whole time. Ooh!

Sebastian's done. [ Giggles ] Ooh!

That's some hot pussy.

[ Beeping ]

Something's wrong in the engine room.

Alex, go check it out. Uh, why do I have to go?

Because somebody needs to play

the "Checking out the engine room" song,

and you're a talentless hack.

Yeah, got me there.

♪ Engine room, engine room ♪

♪ We sent Alex to the engine room ♪

♪ He's going to check it out, that engine room ♪

Guys, I don't see anything.

♪ Keep on checking that engine room ♪

Who's there?

Aaaah!

♪ Engine room ♪

Aw, you're not dangerous.

You're a friendly little fella.

[ Roars ]

Although this is unsettling.

♪ Engine room ♪

♪ Everything's fine in the engine room ♪

-Oh, no! -♪ Talking about ♪

♪ That engine room, yeah ♪

Alan! Alexander's dead.

I'm an only child now with double the inheritance.

Oh, no. Sis, sis.

Why, Alexander?

Whatever killed DuJour is on this ship now.

Whoo!

Lace up your running shoes, gang, because it's time for a...

All: Chase montage!

♪ Chase montage, let's run and run ♪

♪♪

Ooh, escape pod!

Whoo!

♪ Space fromage is yum, yum, yum ♪

[ Screams ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Whirring ]

♪ Recycled gags will pack our scripts ♪

♪ Hanna-Barbera, the comedy grip ♪

Ow! My tail!

Valerie, our tails are not real.

Mine was a butt plug.

Val! Oh!

No! Josie, get back!

Alan, everyone's dead. What do we do now?

Well, I'm still in the mood for splitting things in half.

Huh? Yeah. Oh, Alan.

No?

Hey, girl, when did you get flippers?

What?

[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

Oh, I'm so stressed. I've got the squirties.

My sister Polly comes home today.

Oh, yeah, from the insane asylum.

We call it the hospital.

But yes, she always makes life so difficult.

Blam! Dun-da-na-na!

Polly Cooper's home, skanks.

Ugh.

For the purposes of this sketch,

I will be playing the role of Polly Cooper.

♪ I am Polly Cooper, I am Polly Cooper ♪

No! This is confusing.

It doesn't track, and I don't follow the logic.

Damn! When do we get a studio audience? Hey!

[ Record needle scratches ] What up, sis?!

Polly, hey, welcome home.

Veronica Lodge, you still got hemorrhoids

from shitting all them diamonds?

Yes. Fuck Head!

Oh, fuck. Can't miss you in a crowd

with a nose like Pinocchio's dick.

Nice crown, asshole!

It's called a whoopy cap!

I'll bust a whoopy cap in your ass!

Garcon, let me get a fucking milkshake.

Sure thing, Polly. Cherry on top?

No, thanks. I'll just use Betty's.

La-la-la-la! Polly, stop it!

Stop hogging it, you fucking virgin! [ Laughs ]

Oh, I love when Polly's home.

Oh, she's just so exasperating, Archie.

I know how you feel, Betty.

It's probably how I feel talking about your sister

instead of watching this John Wick movie.

Aaah! Jesus fuck!

How many times I got to tell you, Andrews,

keep your ginger freckle gutter DNA

out of our superior gene pool!

Damn it, Polly!

[ Sobs ] Yeah!

Go clean the orange pubes out of your teeth

before mom finds out!

Polly, please be nice to Betty.

She's going through a lot.

Oh, fuck. Menopause?

She drank half a rhubarb spritzer

and sent a nude pic to Reggie.

He and the football team have been slut shaming her.

They been fuckin' what?

[ Grunts ]

Polly Cooper?! This is the boys locker room!

Guess she's a whore just like her sister.

[ Grunting ]

My hair!

Shit.

Aaah!

[ Screams ]

[ Toilet flushes ]

Aaah!

Blam! Pow! Bang! Aah!

[ Grunting ]

What is going on?!

[ Panting ] Oh, you want some of this shit?

I didn't see anything, Polly.

We're cool. It's cool. It's all cool.

Oops. I got your throat.

Oh, come on, man. It wasn't personal.

I'm the antagonist, you see?

Without me, nothing would ever happen at this school.

Damn right.

Without you, this wouldn't happen.

[ Screams ]

[ Grunting ]

Polly!

You did this for me?

Hot blonde white girls got zero advantages in life, Betty.

We got to stick together.

Na-la-la-la-la-la!

Get out of there!

[ Cheers and applause ] Bravo!

Encore!

Bravo! Guys and ladies.

Best "Robot Chicken" special I've ever seen!

♪ Betty Cooper was my high school sweetheart ♪

♪ She had blue eyes and hair like gold ♪

♪ But Veronica Lodge let me have sex with her ♪

♪ And my love for Betty, it turned cold ♪

♪ Then one day Veronica told me ♪

♪ She was pregnant and the babe was mine ♪

♪ She said, "Let's run off away together and leave Riverdale" ♪

♪ And all our friends behind ♪

♪ I was scared, sir, I was just a boy now ♪

♪ I had been a junior in high school my whole life ♪

♪ I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say ♪

♪ I've been in high school for my whole life ♪

♪ I told Veronica, "Hey, we ain't got no money" ♪

♪ She smiled and said, "That's all right" ♪

♪ My daddy's safe is behind a painting ♪

♪ We'll take his money and run away tonight ♪

♪ Well, Mr. Lodge, he must have heard us ♪

♪ He stood in that doorway raising hell ♪

♪ I never saw Veronica raise that shotgun ♪

♪ But I watched that old man as he fell ♪

♪ She was laughing like a demon ♪

♪ And a shiver ran up my spine ♪

♪ But we made love beside her dead father ♪

♪ And together we stepped across that line ♪

♪ We went on killing, just killing and killing ♪

♪ Making love in the blood that we spilled ♪

♪ I shot Jughead, she shot Hot Dog ♪

♪ Not even shooting Reggie left us fulfilled ♪

♪ We blew Moose's head off, but he was too dumb to notice ♪

♪ But I guess he could still feel jealousy ♪

♪ So when we set our sights on his girlfriend ♪

♪ Moose put an end to our killing spree ♪

♪ I don't know what really drove us ♪

♪ To take all those lives so carelessly ♪

♪ I'd say keeping someone in high school forever and ever ♪

♪ Will cause some people to break down mentally ♪

♪ Now burning in the fires of hell, Lord ♪

♪ And forever will I scream and cry ♪

♪ But at least I'm no longer a junior ♪

♪ I finally graduated from Riverdale High ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello, Venus. Meet my penis.

Let's make our own Milky Way.

What the hell?

Holy extinction event!

Nerd panic grips Riverdale.

Local White Urkel spies death from above.

We join his Instagram Live already in progress.

There's only moments left to live, people!

Jack 'em if you got 'em. This is not a drill!

Back to you in the studio, Jim.

Well, folks, you heard him.

[ Screaming ]

Archie!

Betty!

Oh, Archie-kins!

Archie, the world is literally ending.

You need to decide. Me or Veronica.

Once and for all, pick one of us.

There's no -- Veronica.

[ Gasps ] What? What?

Veronica. I choose Veronica.

Rich, mean, sexy, full bush. Yeah, final answer.

Veronica.

What?! Yes!

Whoa! Oh!

Aaah! Do over. Sorry, do over.

I choose Betty. Wait. Do over.

Cheryl.

[ Screams ]

Okay, final answer is Betty. Definitely Betty.

Is your sister home? No. Betty. Betty.

I hate you so much.

[ Gun cocks ] I am not letting this country

down twice.

Never forget!

Oh, shit!

[ Screaming ]

Oh, shit, fam.

This is your boy Reg dog vlogging an alien invasion.

[ Horns honking ]

Watch me get an interview with that flappy bitch.

For science.

Reggie, no!

They're dangerous!

Dangerous is my maiden name.

[ Grunting ]

-Oh! -[ Gasps ]

The aliens are allergic to Reggie.

Also R.I.P. Reggie.

The secret you defeating them must have something

to do with Reggie.

We're going to need more brain power to figure this out.

-Dilton! -Dilton, let us in!

Uh, what?

Aaah!

There's coconut smoothie everywhere.

This kid can party.

Grab his microscope, Betty. He's coming with us.

[ Mumbling indistinctly ]

Get off my car, you little freaks!

It has 50 more payments on it.

My car!

[ Grunts ]

Josie McCoy?!

Here on Pluto-chella weekend?

The Pussycats split up over creative differences,

uh, and they're dead.

No!

Need a bass player?

[ Bass plays ]

Damn, Miss Grundy!

Now stand back and watch this drive.

Hm, Reggie definitely had a virus of some kind.

Herpes. He was so proud of it.

Maybe the herpes virus is deadly to the Bleeps.

Ah! If we only knew more about herpes.

What?! I taught you all about it in sex ed!

Oh, for -- children, gather round.

Who here had sex with Reggie?

And who here had sex with Betty?

And who here had sex with Archie?

Oh, you filthy little Petri dishes.

Miss Grundy, I had sex with you, too, remember?

[ All gasping ]

Never mind that. Let's kill those Bleeps!

[ Cheering ]

Oof, dodged that bullet.

Ch-ch-ch-charge, motherfuckers!

[ Screaming ]

Mwah, mwah.

[ Gasps ]

[ Grunting ]

Hot Dog, what are you doing? Herpes is a people disease!

[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

Why didn't I just fuck Archie when I had the chance?

[ Guitar plays ]

That's right.

Nothing leads you into a life of herpes

like rock and roll.

Welcome to the Herpes party! Open wide!

Looks like we got 'em all.

We won! We won! [ Laughs ] Yeah!

Huh?

Uh, blonde, full bush. Uh, blonde, I don't know.

Archie, those are the last two.

Finish this!

I can't decide.

You're a real piece of shit, you know that?

[ Screams ]

[ Belches ]

[ Rumbling ]

Oh, my lifelong nightmare is finally over!

Also rest in peace, Archie, of course.

Hey, how's your ass look in a cat suit?

No better than this ass.

Whoo-hoo!

♪ Archie's dead ♪

♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪

♪ Reggie's dead ♪

♪ Veronica, too ♪

♪ Cheryl's dead ♪

♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪

♪ What about Jughead? ♪

♪ He's just goo ♪

♪ Grundy lived ♪

♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪

♪ Betty lived ♪

♪ Josie, too ♪

♪ Look for their mixed tape, dropping soon ♪

♪ That's the end of the Bleepin' Robot Chicken ♪

♪ Archie Comic Special ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

Apocalypse averted. Thank you, herpes.

I've only been in here a day.

What the hell is going on out there?

This just in.

In an historic moment, Archie has chosen...

Veronica.

No way. Betty's got that ponytail.

[ Sighs ]

I too have made a decision.

[ Gags, chokes ]

[ Chuckles ] Veronica, man. No way.

[ Monkey chittering ]

Stupid monkey.