Original subtitles

[ WIND WHISTLING ]

[ SCANNER WHIRRING ]

[ WIND WHISTLES ]

♪♪

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

[ WHIRRING ]

♪♪

IT'S ALIVE!

♪♪

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

♪♪

[ BEEPING ]

Announcer: IN THE YEAR 2023, THE WORLD FACES AN UNSTOPPABLE EVIL.

[ SCREECHING ]

[ GUNFIRE ]

GODZILLA HAS DESTROYED THE LAST OF OUR AIR FORCE, SIR.

WE HAVE ONE FINAL OPTION.

NUCLEAR?

BETTER.

JASON VOORHEES!

HE CAN'T BE KILLED!

THINK HOLLYWOOD IS OUT OF IDEAS? SHUT UP!

NOW FORK OVER YOUR HARD-EARNED CASH FOR MORE CRAP-TACULAR,

MIND-NUMBING DUNG -- LIKE THIS PILE OF FLAMING --

HOLY SHIT, I WOULD ACTUALLY SEE THIS!

I MEAN, LIKE NOT ON A FRIDAY NIGHT,

BUT I'D GET BAKED AND MAKE AN AFTERNOON OF IT.

NO WAY!

DID YOU SEE THAT?!

RIGHT UP THE FLAME, LIKE A FIRE SALMON!

"GODZILLA VS. JASON."

THIS REMAKE MASH-UP BULLSHIT JUST GOT GOOD!

[ ROARS ] DEAR GOD!

[ SCREECHES ]

NOW, MY FRIENDS, EAT OF MY BODY.

FOR BREAKFAST?!

HOLY YUCK!

NO, HOLY O'S!

♪ JESUS

♪ HE DIED FOR YOUR SINS

♪ NOW HE'S GIVING BREAKFAST A BIBLICAL SPIN ♪

♪ MARSHMALLOW BITS LOOK LIKE ANGEL WINGS ♪

♪ NUGGETS SHAPED LIKE HALOS AND THE KING OF KINGS ♪

♪ FORTIFIED WITH FIBER SO YOUR COLON'S PRIMED ♪

♪ WITH HOLY O'S!, THE MILK CHANGES INTO WINE! ♪

Announcer: HOLY O'S! ARE BAKED WITH ANCIENT CHAFF,

CARBON-DATED TO THE TIME OF JESUS,

AND SOAKED IN HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP --

JUST THE WAY HE LIKED IT.

♪ HOLY O'S

IT IS FINISHED.

[ DING! ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ ALARM BLARING, SIREN WAILING ]

FREEZE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!

OOP! OH, NO, WHERE'D I GO?!

[ LAUGHING ] WHOOP!

I'M UP AND THEN I'M DOWN.

WHOOP, WHERE'D I GO?! [ LAUGHING ]

[ GRENADE CLICKS ]

HEY, WHAT?! NO, NO, NO, NO!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR FIXING MY PORCH, HANDY MANNY.

DE NADA, SEÑORA PORTILLO.

YOU KNOW MY MOTTO -- YOU BREAK IT...

WE FIX IT!WE FIX IT! WE FIX IT!WE FIX IT!

AND WITH THE LOWEST PRICES IN TOWN!

[ SIREN WAILS, TIRES SCREECH ]

AY! STAND BACK, MA'AM!

WE'RE DEPORTING THIS ILLEGAL HOMBRE BACK TO TACO-TOWN.

ILLEGAL?!

[ YELLING IN SPANISH ]

HEY, IT'S DARK IN HERE!

I NEED MY PILLS!

WE APPRECIATE ALL THE TIPS YOU'VE GIVEN US

ON THE ILLEGAL HANDY MAN, BOB THE BUILDER,

BUT AMERICA JUST DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH DETENTION CENTERS

TO HANDLE THEM ALL.

THAT'S A PROBLEM!

CAN WE FIX IT?!

Together: YES, WE CAN!

Handy Manny: BOB, BOB!

YOU CAN'T LET THEM DEPORT ME!

YOU KNOW I WAS BORN IN AMERICA!

YEAH, THE 14th AMENDMENT SAYS THAT MAKES YOU A CITIZEN,

AND IT'S A REAL PROBLEM.

CAN WE FIX IT?!

UH... UH...UH...

I DON'T ROLL WITH THAT. I'M DON'T KNOW.

[ WHIMPERS ]

I DON'T KNOW!

MOMMY, I THOUGHT THAT LITTLE PILL

WAS SUPPOSED TO GROW INTO A GREAT, BIG DINOSAUR TOY.

IS THAT GRANDMA'S HEART MEDICINE?

THEN THAT MEANS -- OH, MY GOD!

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

WHEN THAT CIRCUS GYPSY PREDICTED THIS IS HOW GRANDMA WOULD DIE,

WE ALL LAUGHED.

WELL, I GUESS SHE'S THE ONE LAUGHING NOW.

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

THAT'S NOT TRUE. [ SNIFFLES ]

I ACTUALLY FIND THIS VERY SAD.

Announcer: YOUR PRINCIPAL -- HE STINKS!

NOT TRUE! I SHOWERED THIS MORNING!

Announcer: YEAH, YOU DO, YOU OLD DICK!

YOU SUCK AT VIDEO GAMES, YOU DON'T LIKE RAP MUSIC,

AND YOU HATE CHEW BLAST GUM!

NO!

Announcer: YOUR BUS DRIVER SUCKS DICK

YOU SUCK DICK

Announcer: NO, YOU DO!

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, YOU HAVE DIABETES,

AND YOU HA-A-A-A-TE CHEW BLAST GUM.

THE CHILDREN STICK IT UNDER THE SEATS.

Announcer: WELL, STICK THIS UP YOUR ASS, YOU OLD BITCH!

I CAN'T SEE!

Announcer: YOUR GRANDPA IS AN OLD DICK BAG.

I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO RIDE A BICYCLE.

Announcer: HE DOESN'T GET THE SPIKE NETWORK AT HIS HOUSE,

HE WALKS WITH A LIMP.

MY LIMP IS FROM WORLD WAR II.

Announcer: AND HE HATES CHEW BLAST GUM.

I SURVIVED THE BATAAN DEATH MARCH.

Announcer: TRY TO SURVIVE THIS! AAGH!

Announcer: CHEW BLAST, THE GUM YOU SHOOT INTO YOUR MOUTH WITH A SLINGSHOT.

GROWN-UPS DON'T LIKE IT 'CAUSE GROWN-UPS ARE FUCKING STUPID!

♪♪

YEAH, POLLUTING IS FUN!

Captain Planet: NO, IT ISN'T!

All: CAPTAIN PLANET!

DON'T TRY TO RUN!

RUN!

ENERGY BEAM!

AAGH!

EARTH POWER!

AAGH!

BALL SHOT! MY BALLS!

GOOD WORK, CAPTAIN PLANET!

YOU'VE DONE SUCH A FANTASTIC JOB

THAT WE'RE GIVING YOU A PROMOTION.

CONGRATULATIONS... GENERAL PLANET!

OH, BOY!

9:00 A.M., FIRST QUARTER R&D REVIEW,

9:30, SUBCOMMITTEE ON OFF-SHORE SAFETY BUDGET.

10:30, MA--

EXCUSE ME, GENERAL, BUT THESE NEED YOUR SIGNATURE RIGHT AWAY!

GENERAL PLANET! [ CHUCKLES ]

I HOPE THIS IS RECYCLED PAPER.

IT IS NOT.

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYIN ] YO, THIS TRACK IS BOMB AS HELL!

AS SOON AS NICKI MINAJ ADDS HER VOCAL, IT'S GONNA BE HUGE!

[ DOOR OPENS ] HELLO, EVERYONE, I'M HERE.

YOU AIN'T NICKI MINAJ!

NA, I'M HER SISTER NICKI MORGAJ.

I'M HERE TO REFINANCE YOUR MORTGAGES.

YO, YO, YO, YOU DEAD, SUCKA!

WAIT! I BOUGHT AT THE HEIGHT OF THE HOUSING BUBBLE.

LET'S JUST HEAR HER OUT.

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

[ ELECTRONIC PULSING ]

SURPRISE!SURPRISE! SURPRISE!SURPRISE!

AWW! YOU GUYS.

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ]

♪ WELL, A LONG TIME AGO

♪ A DINOSAUR LADY GAVE BIRTH

♪ TO A WHOLE BUNCH OF DINOSAUR BABIES ♪

♪ THREE OF THEM HAD THE SAME FEATURES MOM HAD ♪

♪ BUT ONE WAS PROBABLY FROM A DIFFERENT DAD ♪

♪ YEAH, MOM LET ANOTHER MAN SPERM UP HER EGGS ♪

♪ AND NO MATTER HOW SHE CRIED OR HOW SHE BEGGED ♪

♪ DADDY KICKED HER ASS OUT INTO THE COLD, COLD STREET ♪

♪ AND WITH FOUR MOUTHS TO FEED AND NOTHING TO EAT ♪

♪ SHE PACKED UP HER BROOD IN THE POURING RAIN ♪

♪ AND BOOKED A ONE-WAY TRIP

♪ ON THE DINOSAUR TRAIN

[ WHISTLE BLOWS ] ♪ DINOSAUR TRAIN

♪ WHO BUILT THIS TRAIN?

♪ WELL, DINOSAURS DEVELOPED STEAM AND TOOLS ♪

♪ DINO SOCIETY WAS INHERENTLY CRUEL ♪

♪ AND A SLUT-SHAMED MOM WITH A BROOD TO FEED ♪

♪ HAD TO GET CREATIVE TO PAY THE PASSAGE FEE ♪

♪ DINOSAUR SHAME

♪ ON THE DINOSAUR TRAIN [ WHISTLE BLOWS ]

♪ WELL, THEY RODE THE RAILS FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS ♪

♪ AND MOM TURNED TRICKS TO KEEP THEIR FANCY BUNKS ♪

♪ THEN SHE MET A STEGOSAURUS WHO SAID, "BE MY WIFE ♪

♪ COME OUT TO CALIFORNIA AND WE'LL START A NEW LIFE ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DID OR WHAT YOU DONE ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU AND YOUR KIDS AND YOUR BASTARD SON" ♪

♪ SHE LOOKED AT THAT MAN WITH TEARS IN HER EYES ♪

♪ AND THE TRAIN DERAILED

♪ AND THE DINOSAURS DIED

♪ MAYBE DINOS BUILT A RAILROAD ACROSS THIS LAND ♪

♪ BUT THERE'S NO WAY THEY COULD STEER ♪

♪ WITH THOSE TINY HANDS

♪ DINOSAUR TRAIN

♪ IMPLAUSIBLE TRAIN

[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]

AH, MAGOO, A VACATION IN MIAMI IS JUST WHAT YOU NEEDED.

I JUST HOPE THERE AREN'T TOO MANY MOSQUITOES.

DID YOU SAY, "MASSAGE"?

OH, I'D LOVE ONE.

LET ME GET MY WALLET.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M ESPECIALLY TENSE RIGHT HERE,

IN THE SHOULDERS AND MAYBE THE GROIN AREA.

"HAPPY ENDING," YOU SAY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

AH, MIAMI BOTANICAL GARDEN, I ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE THIS.

ALTHOUGH THERE BETTER NOT BE ANY OF THOSE PESKY MOSQUITOES.

AH, DOES ANYBODY IN MIAMI SPEAK ENGLISH?!

OH, THE LATINOS ARE RUINING THE COUNTRY, I SAY.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ DICE RATTLING ]

OH, NO, MOSQUITOES!

[ GRUNTS ]

[ ALL GRUNT ]

OH, A WATER FOUNTAIN!

I COULD USE A DRINK.

[ SLURPS ]

REFRESHING! [ LAUGHS ]

[ BOTH GASP ]

MOSQUITOES.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT, DID THE SPRINKLERS GO OFF?

WHY ARE MY FEET WET? HUH?

WHAT'S THIS?

OH, HEAVENS.

I DID THIS!

MR. MAGOO!

SHE KNOWS I DID IT.

I-I-I CAN'T DO TIME!

[ SCREAMS ]

[ SOBBING ]

YOU SHOULD REALLY CONSIDER LASIK SURGERY FOR YOUR EYESIGHT.

THE INFINITY GAUNTLET BELONGS TO THANOS AT LAST!

NOW I FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING

TO GO WITH MY INFINITY DRESS AND INFINITY SHOES!

IF ONLY I HAD AN INFINITY DATE.

OH, ERIC,

YOU'VE MADE THIS LITTLE MERMAID'S DREAMS COME TRUE.

I'M FINALLY A REAL GIRL, AND IT'S OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

[ GIGGLES ]

[ GRUNTS ]

DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE WHILE YOU JERK OFF ONTO MY EGGS?

I'D RATHER STAY AND WATCH, IF THAT'S OKAY.

Girl: MATCHES! PLEASE BUY MY MATCHES.

I CAN'T GO HOME WITHOUT SELLING THESE MATCHES.

FATHER WILL BEAT ME!

I'M SO COLD.

IT COULDN'T HURT TO LIGHT JUST ONE MATCH.

OH!

THAT WAS LOVELY.

GRANDMOTHER!

BUT -- BUT YOU'RE IN HEAVEN WITH JESUS NOW.

JESUS IS A FAIRY TALE.

THERE'S ONLY VISHNU,

WHICH YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH IF YOU FREEZE TO DEATH.

LISTEN TO YOUR OLD GRANNY.

SHE'S GOT A PLAN, A PLAN, A PLAN, A PLAN, A PLAN...

HI, DADDY.

DAMN IT, GIRL,

IF YOU DIDN'T SELL EVERY LAST MATCH, IT --

[ COUGHS ]

GAME, SET, MATCH.

I NEVER DREAMED YOU WOULD LEARN TO USE THE MATCHES

FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES!

[ GRUNTS ]

GRANNY'S JEWELRY -- RIGHT WHERE SHE SAID SHE HID IT.

HAVE AN EGG FOR THE ROAD, YOU OLD DICK.

OH, NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR A MAI TAI.

ONE MAI TAI COMING UP.

SO, WHAT'S YOUR NAME, ANYWAY?

MY NAME'S THE LITTLE FUCKING MATCH GIRL!

♪ WHAA

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

♪ WAAH, AAH, AAH, AAH, AAH

♪ WAAH, AAH, AAH, AAH, AAH