Original subtitles

"Robot Chicken"

For 100 episodes, they've defiled every entertainment

brand in the known Universe.

Now their greatest challenge...

riding the coattails of the most iconic characters of all time,

not counting Harry Potter.

The DC Comics Superheroes!

Some of them more super than others.

That guy just talks to fish.

Hey!

This is...

The "Robot Chicken DC Comics special"...

#RCDC.

On, boy! The invisible let!

Hurry up! . Let's go, buddy!

Come on!

I'm coming!

Ow! Psyche!

Last one to the party can't fly.

You're gonna be the last one to the party.

'Cause you can't fly.

Fine. I'll just swim there.

Silly punks.

Batman owns the night.

Now taste fear, you...

Wait. Wait. What? Oh, god!

Oh, my back just snapped like a pack of uncooked spaghetti!

Oh, you just walk up and break my back without saying a word!

Oh, boo! Boo on you, Sir!

# Do do do-do, that's Bane #

And now...

Hi! I'm B'Dg.

I'm a member of the Green Lantern Corps.

Can you believe it, folks?

He really exists.

Uh...

Do you guys want me to say anything, or...?

Tune in next time for another edition of

"Real Characters From The DC Universe."

Lois, you helped me defeat General Zod...

"Superman II."

But now you know I'm Superman.

I-I have to kiss you and make you forget.

Why would that be one of your superpowers?

"Why would that be blah blah blah?"

You should hear yourself sometimes, Lois.

Huh? What?

Why am I standing here with Clark Kent when I should be

chasing the scoop on Superman?!

I should really use that power more often.

My beautiful hair.

I'll never forget how you took it from me. Superman...

Adventure Comics number 271.

Oh, really?

Superman! I'll destroy...

Wh-what are you doing?

I-I can't remember why I hate you.

Oh, yeah. I know.

# You might want to close your eyes #

# I'll run my fingers through your hair #

# And I'll kiss you, bro #

# And you won't remember a thing #

# Don't try and run away #

# I'm faster than a speeding bullet #

Another job well done.

# And I'll catch you... #

Ew. I should have thought this through,

Huh?

Huh?

Oh, well.

Eh!

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, come on!

Welcome, everyone, to the grand opening of our newest exhibit.

The Blue Star of Egypt.

All right, people.

We all know what's coming next.

Let's see if we can at least make it through a round of

hors d'oeuvres before the first supervillain shows up.

Apparently, there's a salmon bagel bite...

Everybody, freeze!

Sorry to be so coldhearted, but Mr. Freeze is stealing that ice.

Mmm!

I was not expecting paprika.

Mmm! A-plus effort, honestly.

Everyone, chill out!

Or Captain Cold will put you on ice!

Oh, came on!

I thought we had a schedule worked out!

This is my day!

I have a new assistant.

I-I'm still breaking him in.

Everyone, stay cool!

It's about to get downright bone-chilling in here,

thanks to ...Icicle!

Wow. I just walked into a cluster [bleep] huh?

Mmm!

You guys, you have to try these salmon thingies.

Focus, Captain Cold.

Clearly, there's not room for three cold-themed villains

with freeze rays.

I guess you two snow jobs

will have to change gimmicks, then.

It's not my gimmick!

I'll literally die in warm temperatures.

My cryogenically frozen wife is my entire reason for living.

My name is Victor Fries, for God's sake.

It's "Freeze," but you spell it "Fries," like french fries.

Weird.

It's German.

Well, I ain't changing, ya dicks.

Everyone, freeze!

Oh, for [bleep] sake!

Ohh! I completely forgot about Chillblaine.

You and America, buddy.

It took me six years of research to build my freeze ray.

How do you high-school dropouts keep making them?

Are they as easy to build as ham radios

and I'm just an asshole?!

Uh, guys, we've demolished a lot of load-bearing walls in here.

Well, those villains are going to the cooler,

thanks to Ice and her amazing freeze powers.

Cool!

I'm glad you guys could come all the way to Earth-C.

Me and Captain Carrot didn't see

eye to eye on a lot of things.

But no one deserved to die like that.

I never met the Captain or his zoo crew.

But since you vouched for him.

I'm glad to be here in their time of need.

Why didn't you tell me they look like cartoons?

Wait.

I'm good.

Damn it! I'm sorry.

If you can't keep it together, you need to leave.

I know. I know. For the love of...

It's a turtle wearing goggles!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm s...

I'm sor... it's just... that...

he looks so sad.

I can't...

I can't... I'm sorry.

I can't!

Your friend was very inappropriate,

We're so sorry, Little Cheese.

"Little Cheese."

I just don't see how you could let it get this bad.

It's a swamp thing, baby

You wouldn't understand.

Ahh.

Bane broke my back, but years of training

allowed me to heal in record time.

Now let's see what the Joker...

Oh, my God, no!

Aah!

Like a string of firecrackers!

My [bleep] back!

I felt the soles of my feet touch the back of my head

on that one!

# Do do do-do, that's Bane #

And new...

Hey, there. I'm Firestorm.

Can you believe it, folks?

Take a good look at this douche!

I'm... Firestorm.

The nuclear man.

I was in the Justice League.

His hair is actually made of fire,

Bet he blows through his comb budget pretty quickly.

But I'm really popular.

We'll be back next time for

"Real Characters of the DC Universe."

What are we doing here, Lantern?

What's the matter? You a little rusty with the ladies?

Ha! If anyone's gonna score tonight,

it's the "Man of Steel."

Haven't you been courting Lois Lane for like 15 years?

Do you ever score?

Watch and learn.

"Hey, Ladies, you look like you could use a non-threatening guy pal

who will never push your boundaries."

"And while you're at it,

could you cosign my loan for a late model Corolla?"

"Got a pen?"

Ooh! Ouch!

Not even I could get to the friend zone that fast.

Class is in session, people, as soon as I get this suit off.

Hold on there, Moneybags.

You got to do it in costume.

Yeah, that's the rules. We all have to be in costume.

Wha?! I'm dressed like a giant bat!

Well [bleep] you guys.

I'm getting wasted.

Got a couple Pina Coladas here,

just for the ladies.

Looks like you could use some Just For Men.

And you bitches can pay for your own drinks,

Name's Aquaman, and I know how to talk to tuna.

M-Martian Manhunter?!

What are you doing?!

I have a life outside the team, you know.

You're the worst.

Aquaman got Manhunter'd!

You are the worst.

I'm out of here.

There's plenty of fish in the sea!

Did he mean that metaphorically or, uh...?

I do not just call when I've been drinking.

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...

And this new plan will crush

The Justice League once and for all.

But more importantly, it's time to draw names for Secret Santa!

It's team-budding, people.

Shake it up. Shake it up.

Mm-hmm.

I got Leonard Snart.

Who's Leonard Snart?

Is he the kid in the mailroom with the B.O.?

Every day, I'm like, "I smell the mail coming,"

and sure enough... I'm Leonard Snart.

Ah! How could I forget?

I think that kid's name is Glenn.

Oh, somebodys going to get a big surprise!

Oh, and new rule this year, everybody...

no exploding toys.

Hey! I'm literally the only one affected by that rule!

I still have a scar in my forehead from Christmas 2004.

You dumb butthole.

It's... it's how I express love.

Has everyone drawn a name?

Oh. Oh, god!

Wh-what smells like a turd-lover's pizza?

Hey, guys.

We doing Secret Santa again this year?

Oh! Noncommittal mumbling.

Yeah, ifs the gift that keeps on giving.

I have a glandular condition, you guys!

It is not my fault!

You think I don't try?!

I shower every day!

I shower every day!

Learn more about Glenn and his battle against body odor,

right after these commercial messages.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how to break

this news in any way that makes sense of it,

so I'll just give you the facts as I have them.

Glenn killed himself during the commercial break.

My god!

What was that?!

I don't know, but I'll find out, Mr. Jordan.

Whoa! This is so cool!

Not quite "Independence Day" cool,

but much cooler than "Battle Los Angeles" cool.

If "Battle Los Angeles" was zero cool and

"Independence Day" was 10 cool.

Then this would be about a 7 cool!

I am Abin Sur...

It's a 9 cool.

...from the Green Lantern Corps.

Exposition! Yippee!

The ring, the cosmic ring...

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

...has chosen you as its new master...

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

...Hal Jordan...

Hmm. Last words spoken in his native tongue.

We'll tragically never know what

"Hal Jordan" means in English.

What's this mean?

It's glowing, and it seems to be taking over my...

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Okay. Okay.

Can you please stop screaming?

Ugh. Thank you.

Phew!

You will be trained to use your ring by Kilowog,

Ooh, it's like scratching a chalkboard against another

chalkboard.

If you are attacked, the ring will respond to your thoughts

and imagination to protect you.

Begin!

Cool! I dodged it!

Protect me, Selena Gomez!

I meant weapons, you poozer!

Hey, now! Ow!

Waah!

Ohh!

Ohh!

I'm not sure that the Earthlings are worthy of a ring.

Make them kiss.

Why. Yes, it is hot in here!

I just hope they gave Abin Sur the burial he deserved.

Your enhanced strength and Kryptonite lasers make you

a match for even Superman, Mr. Luthor.

Yes.

A flawless design.

Ow!

Tyler, I told you not to play ball in here!

I'm so sorry, Mr. Luthor.

I-it's my day to watch him.

Just stop talking for one second!

Ha ha! That tickles!

What, uh... what's going on here?

Okay, just to be completely clear,

all we're gonna do is go over to the Hall of Justice,

plant a nega-bomb, and kill them all at once.

That's it, right?

Exactly.

And we're sneaking over at night when it's dark,

like Sinestro said.

Great idea, 'Nestro.

And it never hurts to leave a few riddles with embedded clues

on how to defuse the bomb.

Right, gang?

Look, Eddie, we're not doing the "Riddle" thing anymore.

You don't have to get your dick prints over everything we do,

But without my riddles, I might as well not even show up.

Fine!

Riddle me this... Which losers are gonna be

totally jealous when I defeat the JLA without them?

It's you guys!

"Riddle me this... Who is the Punctuation Posse?"

Perhaps I can answer your question!

The Riddler!

Intense emotion, do I hear?

Then the Exclaimer must be near,

The Exclaimer?

Wait. Can we hit "pause" here for a second?

Pausing is my game, Flash.

And the comma is my name.

Oh, forget it!

I'm shutting down this turd factory

before it gets any worse

Did someone use a quote yet?

We can't hear jack [bleep] back here.

So, if we just turn off the lights when we leave a room...

Wait. They said Bane had crippled me for life.

But that monster isn't going to own me.

I'm back.

Oh, my god! This is not happening!

Aaah!

Where were you guys on that one?!

You just watched it!

This is a waking nightmare!

# Do do do-do, that's Bane #

But come on, guys. I've had it since I was 13.

Riddle me this, Mirror Master...

What's pink, quivering, and needs a shave?

Two things... Sinestro and Sinestro's vagina.

Let's go.

Okay, okay. I'm gonna do it.

Aah!

Aah! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Aah [bleep] oh. Call 911, guys.

Oh, I'm not so good with blood.

Gonna need more T.P. here, fellas.

Uh-oh. I'm out of here.

Help me! Help me!

Aah.

Riddle me this...

What's covered in question marks,

sniffs glue, and was never here?

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...

Maybe the cruise ships wouldn't sink if they didn't

shove a quarter-ton of self-loathing into every cabin.

How do they even wipe themselves?

Ooh, someone say, "Cruise ship,"

like in the ocean?

Why didn't you invite me?

Oh, to tell the fish to get out of the way?

- No, they figured it out. - Nice one, Superman.

Oh, sorry, guys. Bad news.

The toilet's still clogged.

That was an ancient relic passed down from my ancestors!

Well, your ancestors didn't know crap about plumbing,

But I've got friends coming over tonight!

These lobsters walked right up to the door.

Anyone hungry?

The Johnsons! Oh, no!

Ed Johnson performed my bris!

Aquaman, I hear you.

Can we still eat the lobsters?

Somebody said, "Lobster"?

That's it!

You treat me like I'm not even on the team!

Even' day, it's "Aqua Loser" this and "Aqua Puss" that!

Careful, Aquaman. Floor's wet.

I am the King of the [bleep] ocean, Cyborg!

Do you think I've never seen a puddle before?!

Ow! Ow! My tailbone!

M-my tailbone.

Ow, please.

Need a hospital

Just use your Aquamobile.

How am I supposed to ride a sea-doo?

That is it,

That is it!

And new...

Why, hello, there.

I'm Mr. Banjo.

I'll stem America's secrets and send them to foreign enemies

by playing Morse code on my banjo playin'.

That's right.

No. No way.

You lump me in here with Fatty Arbuckle?

I can fly!

I can shoot nuclear blasts!

I can literally... literally...

turn lead into gold!

Well, you just hang on there, my friend.

This banjo cost me almost $60,

so we both bring a lot to the table.

Now, where the [bleep] is B'Dg?!

Down the hall, first dressing room on the right.

Oh, hello. My name is B'Dg.

Aah!

And, um, whoever's been picking their nose at the urinal

and wiping it on the wall, stop it.

That's evil.

It's disgusting.

Guys, what is the Wi-Fi password in here, again?

Meow, CatwomanisaBitch, all one word, Capital "B."

Now, that's evil.

Ring ding ding!

It's the Justice League.

We're under attack.

Quiet, you fools!

See? Aquaman has come alone.

Giganta, right?

Shoo! Go away!

Ow! Hey! Hey, I just want to talk!

All right, but there's an entrance fee.

Giganta, you dumb cow!

You've led my archenemy right to us!

But I'll live to fight another day!

Aquaman, you are now our hostage.

I'm already a hostage, Luthor, a hostage to the JLA's insults!

But no more!

Aquaman is the newest member of the Legion of Doom!

Ga-goo! Krrkrr! Krrshoo!

L-look, I-I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...

I have the codes to the Watchtower's service entrance.

But welcome aboard!

What the [bleep] is going on out there?

I left my windows down!

No, our documents say you were born on August 15, 1865.

A Tuesday.

It should also be noted that your actual legal name is

Solomon Gruesday.

Ah!

Hem guys! I'm back!

Where have I been?

Oh, King of the ocean business, you know.

Didn't join the forces of evil or anything.

You get the cake for Robin's Bar Mitzvah?

Yep.

That's all I'm good for, right?

Ta-da!

And there goes our petty cash.

Better too much than too little, right?

Why, this one's so big...

He's blowing it.

Riddle me this... Whose hand is that?

Mine's between two pillows.

Yeah, we heard you the first three times, Grodd.

We've all seen the movie.

Actually, I've never seen it,

but that joke was in the trailer.

Va-va-va...

Fine. Let's just get it in the rec room.

Surprise!

I didn't do anything!

What is this?

It's an Aquaman appreciation party!

Yeah! Robin's not Jewish!

Oh, we give you a hard time,

but only because we love you, bro!

You really feel that way?

Do I really feel...

Look at this guy! of course!

We're a family.

Now do the honor.

Shh! Somethings happening.

Yeah, Aquaman! In the house!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Quiet, you fool!

But, but, but, but, but, but...

I said quiet!

Aah!

I told you to... wait.

They're shoving knives in here?

Get out of the cake!

We've been caked!

Wait, wait, wait, guys. My legs are asleep.

Now they'll see what Mr. Banjo can do.

Face it, green fool!

You're no match for the power of fear!

Whoa!

I can't look at you like that.

Was that a choice?

I got a staph infection!

I almost died!

Ow!

Who brought a kickball?!

Am I here'? Or over here?

How will you know which is the real...

Face punch.

Oh, yeah!

Ugh!

See you next Gruesday!

- Freeze! - Chill!

- Ice! - Freeze!

- Cool! - Freeze!

Meh! Ow! Oh!

Yeah, I'm dropping mother [bleep]!

Who's next?!

I'd fight you, Wonder Woman, but I've got a dick.

Ow!

Oh, great.

Like I was drowning in couch to start with,

Now I've got a nose like a [bleep] can opener.

Eh.

Oh!

Mm...

Was I supposed to fight Darkseid?

'Cause I'm a guy in a cat suit.

Give it up, Joker.

You'll n... Ugh! Ow!

Is that... is that piss, dude?

Did you just squirt piss in my mouth?

Oh, we are done professionally!

Hah! It's not his piss. Bats.

That is only slightly better.

Aah!

Aah, rule of three, asshole, not four!

Ow, man!

Hey, now! Oh! Ohh!

I can't concentrate with that damn banjo noise!

Fine. Suck on this.

Aah!

Yet again, the world's greatest villain

and Earth's mightiest hero must do the dance of death.

Mother [bleep]!

That split my lip!

Enough of this!

Time for the endgame.

Aquaman, the kryptonite... Now!

Kryptonite!

Throw me the Kryptonite, and evil will win!

No! Aquaman, I'm your bro!

Bro? You treated him like pond scum for too long.

Now he has his revenge.

Sorry, Luthor.

I'm no villain.

I'm a hero.

And I'm gonna kick your ass!

Aquapunch!

Yeah!

Aquaman gets his groove back!

Oh [bleep]!

How can you measure the value

of a man who did so much for so many?

And what will we do without him.

Without...

Glenn?

This is how the "Robot Chicken DC Comics Special" ends,

with some cheap-ass misdirect?

We're not even gonna find out how you survived?

Everyone's okay with this?

Shh. Don't worry, Jimmy.

You won't remember a thing.

And neither will you

# You can try and fight me off #

# But I-I'm a m-man of steel #

# I'm gon' kiss you, homes #

# And you won't remember a thing #

Hmm. You know, the thing about Glenn was...

Oh! Damn it!

# But I don't want to kiss your thing #

Another job well done!