Original subtitles

Ah c'mon, dude! you got one frickin' job.

Yo, Tam! I think the fridge water thingy's busted.

The shower's not working either.

Ugh. You kidding me?

[creaking]

Wait, what.

Hmm...

Uh excuse me, Ma'am? Our water's not working.

I know, I just shut it off.

Okay, well, you got, like, a... ETA on when

it's gonna to be up and running?

That depends on when you pay your bill.

Uh-huh.

Mark? Did you forget to pay the water bill?

Uh, no I did not forget to pay the water bill.

I intentionally didn't pay it.

I'm sorry... What? Why?

Uh, because it's a scam?

A scam? Providing water is a scam?

Big time, okay.

Last bill I saw was like $27!

It's ridiculous!

Uh... I feel like 27 bucks

is pretty reasonable for something essential

like water. - Are you kidding me?!

Wha - how are you gonna charge for water?

It's like a natural human, right?

What's next? Paying for air?

And so you just stopped paying? That was your plan?

I mean I didn't think they'd actually shut it off.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal actually.

Uh. You're a real piece of work, you know that?

Uh-- Tammy, I'm making a stand here!

Someone's gotta stand up

to these corporate government b- bureaucracies!

Excuse me, ma'am? - Yes?

Can I just pay the bill right now

and you turn the water back on?

I'm not authorized to accept payments.

Needs to go through our billing department.

Ok, but can't you just like, call them real quick?

The fastest way to pay is through our online portal.

Once the outstanding balance is paid, I'll return

within 5 to 7 business days to restore service.

5 to 7-- What?!

But you're literally here right now.

Sorry. There's a whole protocol I need to follow.

Can you back up, please?

There you go. There it is right there, okay.

You see what I'm talking about?

We're dealing with a soulless corporation.

There's a reason they got waterworks

on a friggin' Monopoly board.

Well, we don't really have a choice.

Actually, we do.

We are gonna to be getting our own water. The classic way.

I'm digging a well.

Uh, no. You don't know the first thing about digging a well.

Uh, it ain't rocket science, Tam.

You dig a frickin' hole until you hit water. Boom!

[crack]

Ah, damnit! Who put a sprinkler there?

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

[digging]

Hey Mark, you wanna to grill up these dogs watch the Phils?

Not today, Hank. We're digging a well.

Oh man. That seems like a lot of work.

What are you talking about? It's fun.

It's like uh, digging a hole at the beach.

It's classic.

Oh. I do love digging holes at the beach.

Right? Yeah. You wanna get in on this, dude?

Uh... Okay.

Ahh. Yeah, there we go.

[grunting]

Man, this is no joke.

Ah you got this dude. I already broke through the crust.

That's like the hardest part.

Now you just got to dig the last 100ft or so.

Oh. Okay. - Alright you good?

I'm gonna go grab a drink.

Okay. [Hank whistling]

Oh come on! Hon, what email did you use

to log in to the water bill thing?

None of 'em are working.

Oh yeah, I used a fake one.

I think it was uh, fartface@nothanks.poop

or somethin', I don't know.

Why would you do that?

Uh, cause I'm not trying to get a billion spam emails

about not wasting water or-- - Come on, Mark.

How am I supposed to pay the bill

if I can't even log into the website?

Yeah well we don't need to pay the bill.

We're going off the grid. - Enough.

I just want to pay the bill and get on with it.

Wow. Look at you.

Just giving in like all the other sheeple.

Sorry, but I'm not gonna bend over and let 'em

bleed us dry with their cockamamie $2 "sewage fees"

A.K.A. funding their CEO's private plane to Epstein Island.

So all of this is over a $2 fee?

No, Tammy, it's the principle.

They're ripping off all us hard working people by charging us

for something that should be free.

Oh yeah. 'Cause you're working so hard these days.

Actually, thanks to UBI,

I got the time to stand up to those greedy corporate bastards.

Oh come on. How many times I gotta do this?!

See, they know they're the only game in town,

so they don't have to give a crap about customer service.

Believe me, once I get this well up and running,

we're not going to have to deal with any of this nonsense.

Hon, do you have any idea how hard it is to pump your

own water? You're going to give up in two hours?

Pfft yeah, no chance.

I'm not stoppin' until we are liberated from Big Water.

Mark, In 5 to 7 business days,

the water is gonna to be running again,

and you'll be on to your next charade.

Pffft! In five days,

we'll be drinking fresh well water,

'cause I'm digging us to freedom.

You mean Hank?

No, I loosen the lid! Alright?

Dah...Oh right. Damnit!

Hey, hun, if you get a chance can you uh,

pick up some bottled water?

Ooh! Ooh.

Hoo, ridiculous. Thing costs half the water bill.

The whole water industry's a scam.

Yo how we doing, bud?

Oof, I don't know. Pretty tired.

Oh yeah that's 'cause you're using your back.

Gotta bend the knees, okay? The power's in your legs.

So how much further down we gotta go?

Ah, it's just like at the beach. We gotta go until we hit water.

Yeah. It's just uh... You know, this dirt's harder than it looks

I think I might be at the core or somethin'.

You're not at the core okay.

That's like... at least... a 1000ft down.

You know, if you want to get serious,

I got a guy who can hook you up

with an industrial-grade auger drill. Okay, this thing

will get you to China faster than the Concorde.

Nah. This is what it's all about

Outside on a beautiful day, working with our hands,

all for a higher purpose. Ain't that right, Hank?

[thud]

Uh.... Yeaaah. Lemme get that drill.

Thank you for calling the Glanton County Water Company.

Your call is important to us. - Come on.

Did you know the Glanton County Water Company

[mocking] has been providing clean,

reliable water to South Jersey residents since 1952?

We're proud of our decades-long [fart noise]

commitment to our community. Yeah, yeah.

Thank you for calling the Glanton County Water Company.

My name's Alex. How may I help you today?

Oh! Finally a human. Hey, Alex.

So earlier today, my water got shut off,

and now I'm trying to pay my bill on the portal,

but my husband misspelled

his email address, so now I can't log in.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Tammy.

So you want to pay your outstanding balance? Yes.

Thank you. My pleasure.

So, for all billing-related

issues, please visit our new online portal at

www.GCWC - - No no, no no no, I tried that.

I can't log in.

That's what I just tried to explain.

One moment please.

No no no no no! Alex!

Did you know that by switching to Alex, our AI

powered representative - Ugh! - we've cut costs -

Okay Hank. You ready? - and passed the savings on -

Let's do it! [drill roars to life]

The hell, Mark?! Are you nuts?

Relax, Tam. It's totally under control.

Arghhh- ooohhhh

Arghhhh - oof

Hank, you good? You see any water?

Uh, nah. Just a bunch of mud.

Wait, mud? Yo, that means water dude.

Keep digging!

Hmmm. Oh wait.

Uh, yep. Uh, we got water.

Yoo let's goooo! There we go.

Oh, no.

[creaking]

Damn, dude, I thought the digging was the hard part.

Aight here we go, Mernft. Our first taste of victory.

Unfiltered, 100% free, South Jersey water,

straight from my own well! Here we go.

Yeah uh - I don't know Mark.

Lookin' a little - uh - discolored, you know.

Nah, that's all the good stuff, ya know, like the raw minerals.

It's actually what water used to look like before we started

putting all the - er - chemicals and crap in it.

Ahhh! That's the taste of freedom right there.

[gagging]

Uh, hey, Mark, you ready for the next bucket?

[creaking...rope whipping]

Oof!

Hmmm.

Alright, so I just need some kind of pumping system

into the house. Can you rig something up for me?

I mean, I can try, but it ain't going to be pretty.

Might want to call a uh - plumbing contractor, Mark.

Nah nah nah, dude, they gotta

adhere to all these kinds of codes and regulations and crap.

Half the fun of going off the grid is

that there's no rules about, like, water pressure and stuff.

C'mon, help me out here, Artie.

How much pressure we talking about here, Mark?

I don't know. Max?

Pfft. Man, this is dumb as hell.

Alright. I'm going to need about 400ft of 3in PVC and fittings,

200 rolls of duct tape, and a 30 rack of Ding Ice.

Yoooo let's goooo.

Oh, we're gonna to be here all day at this rate.

I know. My appointment was two hours ago.

Wait. I need an appointment?

Only if you wanna skip that line.

Oh, you gotta be frickin' kidding me.

Yo how we looking, Artie? I gotta get this thing up

and running before Tammy gets the water back on.

Aight should be good to go. - Go for Hank.

Uh, dah... You got Hank? Uh, copy.

Yo, how are we looking down there?

Looking good.

Alright, we're gonna fire it up.

Uh. Roger Rabbit.

Woah... Cave dog. Nice.

Hey there little guy.

Man, if you weren't so cute, I'd probably eat you.

Ooh....

[pump fires up]

Alright, here goes nothing.

Yoooo.

Woah there.

[mouth full] Oh, if you insist.

Hmm. Pretty good.

Hey yo Hank, we're about to fire up the sprinklers.

You wanna come up and see this?

Uh no thanks. I'm good.

Hell yeah.

Okay uh, here we go.

Zone one.

[smash] What the hell?

Oh man. - Siccck dude.

Holy crap!

[explosions]

Ah, damnit.

[phone rings] - Ugh. Yes? - Yo where you at?

I'm in line at the water company.

Oh, yeah? Well, you might want to come back

because we... are fully operational.

Oh, my god. Did you flood the house?

No. I'm thinking about putting in a m-- a moat

maybe a little koi pond, a little water feature action,

now that the water is free, baby!

Oh Mark, that looks disgusting. That come from a swamp?

Oh, you mean this chemical-free

mineral water straight from the tap?

Do not drink that.

Ahh. That's good stuff, Tam.

[coughs]

Uch, Mark, this is insanity.

Oh, please. People have been drinking water

like this for millions of years.

Yeah, when life expectancy was 30.

Pft, are you kidding me! Noah lived to like

700 years old. Which is how old you're gonna

to be, by the way, by the time you're done

standing in that line. Real easy, huh?

Oh boy. Uh...

Yo Tam, actually, I'm gonna jump.

Uh, I'm not feeling so hot.

I think uh, might have spent too much time out on the sun.

Mark. You okay?

Ugh!

Yo! Excuse me! I'm trying to give you money.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Ma'am. For all billing related inquiries.

- use th- Use the portal, yeah, yeah.

Except I can't log in,

because your stupid website won't send me

the email to reset my frickin' username.

Have you checked your spam folder, ma'am?

Uh...Haha... Yep. Okay. There it is.

Hey! Wanda!

Tammy Hoagies. You turned my water off.

Ma'am, I just follow my work orders.

No, no. I'm not mad.

Heh, I know you're just doing your job,

you don't make the rules. But here's the thing,

I just paid my bill,

and I really need the water turned on, like now.

Are you trying to bribe me?

Yes. What's it going to take for

to just come over and turn the damn thingy on?

20 bucks? 50? 100? Look, haha, couple benjies

for ya, look, huh? Huh? How do you like that?

Ma'am. I'm not trying to lose my benefits.

I'll be there in 5 to 7 business days.

In 5 to 7 business days

we won't be customers anymore because my maniac husband

is on a mission to make us water independent.

Oh, I wouldn't recommend that.

You think?! That's why I need you to come over

and turn my frickin' water back on. I'm begging you.

Woman-to-woman.

Alright Ma'am. I hear you.

Thank you, Wanda.

And I'll see you in 5 to 7 days.

Ugh! Even the frickin' people are robots!

Oh! I am so sick of this crap.

Let's see how you like it when I come to your home,

Wanda... Heheheh.

Alright, Mr. Hoagies. I have to ask:

have you been kissing your dog on the rectum?

Uh...No? What?

Well, your stool tests came back positive

for Giardia, Campylobacter, and a handful of other things

I've only read in medical textbooks.

Like Cestoides Salsiformis. - Uh, English please.

“Sausage flukes, ”

a parasitic worm thought to be eradicated in the early 1900s.

Huh. That's weird. Cause I'm like, living real healthy

right now. No soda.

Been working outside, getting that vitamin D,

and I'm only drinking

fresh water from my own well, in the backyard.

Hmmm. How are you treating the well water?

Uh...I'm pretty nice to it. - No no no.

Are you treating your well water for parasites?

Like, cleaning it with chemicals

Ah hell no. I'm keeping it pure, baby.

I don't want a fluoride crap. [tooth pops out]

Whoop, ohp, that slipped right out

Guess I got a little case of the black gum.

I'm going to prescribe you some antiparasitic and antibiotics.

If you plan to continue drinking

that well water, you're going to need a robust

purification and water treatment system.

Okay, well, that sounds like a major pain in the ass.

Yeah, well, so is dying of dysentery.

Okay well, what are my other options?

You could just get your water

from the water company like a normal person.

I see. Hmm.

Ah, hey Mark, you got mud all over the back of your pants.

Yeah, that's, uh - definitely just mud.

Yo, Hank, uh,

I'm dropping some chlorine down so we can get this water treated

Yo, Hank, you copy?

Hank?

Oh man. This is the life.

Infinity hot dogs.

Don't mind if I do.

I feel tingly.

Ooh, did I make you?

Welcome to the world, lil' guy.

I'm your dad. Or uh, maybe mom?

Alright. Coming down, dude.

Yep ohp, up, oh ah - gah.

Hank? You good, dude?

Yo Hank?!

[delirious - singing] It's the circle of liiiiife -

Whoa holy crap, Hank! Yo, you okay dude?

Living the dream.

I'm a hot dog mommy.

[loud scream]!

Um, yeah.

So those are, uh parasites, Hank Sausage flukes uh -

Think they may have gotten into your brain, so uh,

I'm gonna go ahead and smoke 'em out with this chlorine.

Yoo take that! - No my babies!

Hank, c'mon, stop screwing around, dude.

I gotta chlorinate this well water

and get up to the surface, pronto, okay.

I got a guy coming by to give me a quote

on some dancing fountains for the front yard.

[coughing] Yo. Did you hear that?

What is that stench?

Holy crap dude!

Oh, hello. Haven't had visitors in ages.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Yo, what?

Damn, yo, look at his setup dude.

You got, like, torches, you got the rock stove, nice man.

Yo, is that a DVD player?

I charge it with a small solar panel.

I have hidden on a tree behind the shopping center.

Cool. Are those uh real carrots or some kind of parasite?

Oh, they're real carrots. alright. Here. Eat one.

Grown in fertilizer made from my real poop.

[Hank spits] - Oof! You really got this -

got this whole thing figured out, huh?

I've had 30 years to perfect my craft.

Wait did you say you've been living down here for 30 years?

30 years of freedom.

No taxes, no rules, no water company!

And it all started with a well.

Nice, uh, I'm actually newly water independent myself.

Ahh, congratulations, my friend.

Soon, you two will know the joy of complete self-sufficiency.

Yeah, I don't know. It's turning out

to be more of a pain in the butt than I thought.

It's like apparently got to treat the water

with chlorine and what not, it's-

Haha! Well there's a bit more to it than that.

Uh, you've also got to filter it and test it daily.

[machines whirring]

Ah Geez. Seems a little involved.

Oh sure is, but it's well worth it,

and it's really not that hard.

Here, let me show you how it's done!

Hit it, Stevie Under. [piano music]

I trained him to play in my limited spare time.

♪ Sourcing your own water can be a lot of fun, but ♪

♪ it's gonna take some sacrifice to make that faucet run. ♪

♪ There are pathogens,

♪ particulates, and chemicals galore. ♪

♪ But if you follow all these steps, ♪

♪ you can kick them out the door. ♪

♪ First, pre-filter out the sediment ♪

♪ the sand and the debris

♪ You'll wanna keep your sewage separate ♪

♪ or you're drinking poop and pee! ♪

♪ Any surface pipes need insulation ♪

♪ just in case it snows. And check your radiation levels ♪

♪ or you too might lose your nose! ♪

You really don't miss it though. It's purely esthetic.

Hey Mark, this could be you some day.

Yeah...

♪ Now let's move on to my favorite phase. ♪

♪ Disinfection, pH-balance and UV-rays. ♪

♪ Prepare yourself, this part a little more involved. In fact, ♪

♪ some might even say it's why my marriage dissolved. ♪

♪ You've got...

♪ chlorination, ozonation sterilizing radiation-- ♪

Hey, wait, where'd you go?

Guys?

Hey-- hey guys? I've-- I've still got seven more verses!

Where you goin'?

Yeah, I actually uh, gotta go pay the water bill, so.

Whaaaa? What about freedom?

C'mon, stay here with me! We can live off-the-grid.

No rules! No taxes! No age of consent...

Uh... Yeah.. We're good, dude.

Let's see how you like it when someone comes to your house

and messes with your water! [electric shock]!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh hi Wanda!

Just smashing your uh-- water line, heh.

My power's out!

Yeah, I think I hit the wrong one, heh...

Mom, why is it dark? I'm trying to study.

I know baby, I know, one sec, okay--

Grandpop can't breathe. His machine's not working.

Just-- just go get my hand crank - Ooooh...

And you go call 9-1-1.

Hey Mark. How's the well?

Yeah, I don't think I'm really an “off the grid ” kind of guy

if I'm bein' honest. - Oh it's okay, don't give up.

You got this... and uh, you kinda need to,

cause it might be a little more than 5 to 7 business days.

Ugh. So how long are we talking here?

Uh...maybe never?

Ah! No, Hank. Go take your parasite medicine.

Okay. - Oh...

Uh, yeah... Might need a plan, C.

Hurry up, Mark.

David's putting on his running shoes.

Hey, you're the one who wants to take a bath.

Oh my god. Wanda?

Hey Wanda. Heh. I didn't think you'd actually...Ya know.

Just doing my job.

Well uh, thank you, and sorry about the uh... ya know.

Okay.

Yo uh, ma'am, I just wanna let you know, uh,

really appreciate the service you provide, so...

I don't care.

Okay. Your water's back on?

Oh thank you so much! - Hell yeah, you're the best.

There's gonna be a $25 reactivation fee on your bill.

25 bucks! Are you kidding me?

That's ridiculous. It took her like five seconds.

Alright Stevie, looks like it's just me and you again.

Why don't you hop on the horse teeth and play us the sad song?

♪ That's another friend gone.

♪ So it's just me and you.

♪ But that's fine with me.

♪ We've got plenty to do.

♪ Couldn't be better friends than you and meee. ♪

♪ A pale freakish ghoul ♪

♪ and a rat that can't see.

Wait a moment...

Ah, looks like our friends left us a little gift.

Pretty nice piece of machinery.

Let's test this bad boy out, huh?! Haha!

Woah.

Glantontown has really changed.