Original subtitles

[Music]

turn

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

he

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

name

um Deo

Mark Deo you're in a whole lot of

trouble you know that Mr Deo hey I I

couldn't help it I didn't have any

choice I I was doing it for

everybody for this whole planet mhm sure

oh you got to believe me I I mean the

way these things have L of everybody's

life we know all about that Mr Deo we

just haven't seen a human being working

with them till you came along working

with them

working with them yes working with them

why else would somebody do what you

did

crazy I had a perfectly great life

before they came yeah so did most people

we just didn't realize it

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

let me start at the beginning I live in

Hollywood I write music for television

or at least I used to game shows cop

shows commercials my wife said I was

wasting my time writing this kind of

stuff I don't know there's something

about Hollywood that gets into your

systems not the Glamour and the

excitement it's the people they're real

they're open they're there for

you the day that it happened I was doing

some music for a new cop show transfer

to

Danger it's about this detective who's

had his driver's license theot instead

of car chases he does it all with public

transit it's not easy doing the music

for a bus chase you have to go at a

medium Tempo kind of thing oh

[Music]

[Music]

SH damn

[Music]

[Music]

Mark hey Stan thank God I found you I

need some theme music now what kind of

show is it it's called The Wedding Bell

game huh see uh we get three couples on

there you get all sweet a little cooky

not too cooky and they're all after this

wedding ring ring the thing is that we

marry them off right there on the show

while the girl is still like dripping

with the mud

mud yes mud what you think I'm giving

this stuff away the girl has to go

through a pool of mud uh to get to the

ring you know tiny tiny swing bikini and

and you know the the guys are like uh uh

yelling out Clues from the sidelines and

the girls are are clawing through the

you wouldn't believe this is Vick's B

backck doing in a Mist a first pressing

guys this is this is incredibly valuable

all right wow

more than CDs yes but it's like so

big well so what do you think of the

show Stan it sounds inspired I'll uh get

to it next week uh uh next week I I was

kind of hoping you know maybe this

weekend you and I could no it's got to

be next week I I got the shot at doing

this movie finally the science fiction

picture that Joe flet Mouse is directing

oh that that is terrific yeah FL him M

he he did the one uh where the the alien

come in the UPS

packages I swow that on cable you know I

hear he's kind of an [ __ ] but but I

am thrilled for you thrilled oh God I

got to get out of here oh you'll get it

that is so great that is

so is that one of Sarah's yeah yeah she

still does a little painting when she

can find the time you know this painting

speaks to me because uh I have eaten

things that look like that

and now the Cabrio indd Minor by Carl

dits Von

[Music]

dorf uh Jerry here's what I've come up

with for the car chase music uh give me

an arrangement of this with lots of

brass and use the tempany like we do in

the

[Applause]

opening just being by myself driving

it's kind of I don't know

inspired I was a little nervous going

for my meeting with Joe flet Mouse if I

got a job writing a score for a real

movie it would be a big break for me

flet mouse was only 22 but it was the

hottest director in town he started out

with a horror movie about a family whose

cars re asked by the devil then he went

for family appeal with a picture about

an enchanted dwarf in the future who

teaches a drug dealing street gang how

to care it was a

smash I was up to this meeting and I

wasn't ready for anything to interfere

with it

[Music]

this is where the music is really

crucial uh sweetheart can we have the

suit over here see the beings are coming

out beings yeah in in the film we always

refer to them as beings cuz I find

aliens to be very distancing here he is

here's my little fella who's your daddy

careful it's very expensive yeah

hello yeah he's uh he cute yeah I know I

designed him myself now the music has to

be this beautiful greeting um it's the

universal handshake between the worlds

you know kind of a ceremonial thing yeah

I have tell you what I told the actors

the ones who were there when the beings

got off it's like here come these guys

and they're like

Buddha Christ khil Jabron all rolled

into one

but what do they really

want just to be scratched behind their

fuzzy little

[Music]

ears music for people to crawl through

mud bot how much longer you going to

write this

stuff hasn't been that long like it

hasn't personally I like it better when

you were playing with these guys thought

you said they were junkies well they

weren't junkies but at least they didn't

make everybody call around

mud yeah we couldn't even afford a place

in town living out there in the cabin

all

cramped we like being cramped remember

yeah crampon starving those were the

days do I have any clean socks what are

you packing for to go out to the cabin

to work on this science fiction thing

why don't you ride it here honey you

know that that's my place out there

that's where I you know I get inspired

I have to you know be alone concentrate

these game show themes just don't come

off trees and you have to go to

work bring all those nuts for Jane

oh what are you doing well I think I

should help you clear your mind you

could concate

[Music]

[Music]

the

[Music]

hello you're on the air with Dr Jane Dr

Jane this is Paula in reca yes Paula

what can we help you with this evening

Dr Jane I think the man at the shoe

store that I go to I think he hates me I

think he wants to harm me physically

Paula when did you first start to have

this feeling when he said I hate you and

I'm going to harm you physically I'm

going to put you on with Dr Jan after

the next

commercial yes I am well I said I would

and I'm going to you can trust me well

why don't we take some deep breaths so

I'll do the med

okay empa oh well I'm sorry but we take

some uh shallow

breaths you know Paula the boys markets

have everything you need to make Arbor

Day extra special this year Arbor

Day yes Paula you know a meatloaf in the

shape of a tree is surprisingly festive

[Music]

okay nut what's your problem Sarah Sarah

that that Mouse picture I come up with a

theme for you I want you to hear you're

going to love this this the most talk

now listen to

this listen to what H I got a show are

you Dr Jane I've got to talk to her um

no I'm not that's Dr Jane that is her is

it yes that's her and she is very very

busy okay and then when the aliens come

out of their spaceship there's this part

why don't you tell me how you got in

here and what happened into our guard oh

I I I I think I missed did get my

mustache I missed just let me put this

call on hold and I'll be right with you

[Music]

okay okay now this is where the organ

comes in listen to this it's this big

organ that just sweeps you away yes now

tell me more about this

[Music]

organ what's your problem

well I'm planning to mass murder a whole

bunch of people why is

that well that way my neighbors will be

interviewed on TV and and you know what

neighbors always say I can't believe it

he's such a nice guy he's the last guy I

think that ever do anything like

that my neighbors have never said

anything nice about

[Applause]

me Sarah you have ask your visitor to

leave there's

music

um I am going to give you a private

consultation with Dr Jane and I'm going

to set one up for you in just like a

year and a half as soon as you sit down

right there

[Music]

okay what do you think huh

Sarah

Sarah are you there Sarah

it's just

classic finally write something decent

there's nobody there to

[Music]

listen let's look at why the neighbors

don't say anything nice about

you do you mow your

lawn oh I'm I mow all the

time but I I don't Edge

a now we're getting

somewhere Mr kouser you know mowing

without edging if you ask me I think

that looks even worse than not mowing at

all really do you have an

edger well I

have

we weed

whacker you have a weed whacker

but you do not use your I I like to call

it that I just no I don't like to

do you have trouble with the well yeah I

do yeah is it the Wacker no it's well

it's no well it's both you know we we it

doesn't but it's kind whole thing yeah

but it's nicer when you say it you know

it's nicer when you but I so until

tomorrow night this is Dr Jane saying be

centered be yourself and above all have

the courage to share those

feelings good

[Music]

night I love of this place get up get up

it's 5:30 in the morning what is with

you and the Sleep

deal are you finished who are you you

call yourself a host some guy comes 46

million miles to see you you're drunk on

your ass there's hardly any vodka left

what are you Mr Congeniality get out of

here before I call the cops like you're

a modal citizen all right come on knock

it off all right show me what you got

here got put a flight of Mouse picture

it's your last shot pal you blow this

one you spend the rest of your life

ripping off Chase music from what you

hear on the radio is that the lowest I

borrowed one little phrase from Von D's

door all right borrowed how you going to

give it back to him he's

dead how do you know about all this

stuff I'm a martian we know

everything

oh oh it's a joke right huh somebody put

you up to this didn't he Stan Garrett uh

okay I'm laughing all right the joke's

on me ha what are you some kind of

Martian telegram or something huh you

want a tip here now come on take this

and get the hell out of here you're

cheap you tip cheap I'm all over you pal

like a bad shirt like that shirt I'm

really not in the mood for

this let's not kick a dead horse okay

huh the joke's over I want you out of

here come on all right time to go come

on come on up and out let's go come on

thanks a lot

blood congratulations Mark you just

passed that little test a what passed

out test a lot of other people might

have resorted to some senseless

violence hello they might have reached

in this drawer

and pulled out this

gun but not you you see we people on

Mars have a lot to share with you guys

but we just can't trust it to anybody

see what I'm saying

you really are from Mars aren't

you Mark I know it's is difficult for

you to accept you just got up you're

drunk you're in very bad clothing but

hey that's not important now Mark your

civilization is very powerful so

powerful it's a danger to itself poverty

pollution starvation nuclear Wars these

things aren unheard of on Mars we want

to help you build such a civilization

right here on Earth really hell no I was

bullshitting Mars is a Duff and you

bought it I can't believe how stupid you

are all right that does it I want you

out of here right

[Music]

now Mark I'm sorry guns don't work on us

give me that and uh please put this down

before you really hurt

someone okay Mr Man From Mars Give Me

Your Best Shot hop

out o that has got to

hurt oh Mark I'm having a wonderful time

but you should go home now because the

burglar is just about to break into your

place and steal everything I don't

believe you you didn't believe I was

from Mars either Mr skeptical Mr no more

very valuable record collection Mr

forgets the floss Mr cheats at Solitaire

Mr if the guy really was a Martian and

if he was telling the truth I had to get

home

[Music]

I didn't know it then but that was the

day the Martians first

appeared everywhere

[Music]

[Music]

youe

[Music]

and this green dude shows up in my van

look this is too much heaviness for one

day look I don't want to hear anything

more about Little Green Men from Mars

you got that police and CHP out there I

was hoping against hope that it was all

some kind of crazy dream but then I

heard the reports in the radio early

esus indicate there may be as many as 1

billion Space Invaders 1 billion 1

billion huh that is a alive get out of

my

car

down oh man that was a new paint job you

wrecked my

car you told me I had to get back and

then you wrecked my

car you know I may not be that close

friend you've been looking

for you

[Music]

[Music]

yelling and he is spitting spitting and

[Music]

yelling

yo hey Ace forget this this junk the

good stuff's in there who are you I'm

cool that's all you need to know so what

do you say let's hit the

[Music]

cabinet hey hold

it get away from that car

old records a cont my friend rare old

records 500 bucks a shot easy all right

cool

thanks wait a

minute are you from space Oh I'm from

MOS so for me this this is space

wa this is

[Music]

space first thing we do is we fence the

stereo you know anybody for that on this

planet yeah I got a guy I use them all

the

time there's cops

here I thought you said it was cool

Jesus you're right hey we better blow

pal follow

me [ __ ] [ __ ] you're stealing my records

stay cool was right hey nobody needs to

get hurt stay cool you're going to get

hurt you little someone claiming to be a

man from Mars and now live from

MacArthur Park hi folks it's great to be

here on the planet Earth you know planet

Earth wasn't our first choice but you

ever tried to book a room on Pluto I

just saw one those guys he was in here

you know we wanted to get here in time

to see the dinosaurs but the traffic was

murder they're everywhere an audience or

a hologram a guy travels a couple of

million miles you try to tell people a

few jokes you look at him like he's from

Mars hey damn thing will you gxy to ride

home after the show yeah yeah what is it

kid but the vi and said there was guess

I Need a Doctor there's life there it's

not as good as life on the planet Earth

but I can't work here I don't have a

green

card hey you got band and stuff I can

fix

that no yeah really my brother showed me

how he's in jail oh yeah yeah okay

partner I the

bathro they just talk till they run out

of

breath take a breath have an egg roll

shut up pal but you know folks and for

that couple on the go we of his and hers

Helix motor scooters from Honda the

finest in small shiny vehicles for both

sexes this plus fabulous skis tennis

rackets and a whole lot more all this

can be yours if you win Mrs

[Music]

Henderson watching TV can't hurt that

bad this is my show I mean I wrote the

music for this show

G what's my price I always thought that

was byon dter door

no to eliminate the ch of coaching we

have placed Mrs Henderson into a

soundproof boo if it's soundproof why

are you Whispering I would believe the

guy andless sound BR Bo this is the

fattest lady we've ever had on the show

She's a pig she's got her own ZIP code

she's her own voting district she's

blocking the driveway when she goes to

Kentucky Fried Chicken she licks

everyone's fingers that's the guy who

woke me up this

morning act weird man what the is going

on here you know out of here we from

space pizza nachos leche dairy products

free food for let's say some fat lady

who can hear me she'd be out like this

you don't get that fat by giving up free

food go away you're ruining the game

millions of people look forward to this

Millions why' you settle for Millions

why don't you send this thing through

the roof why don't you give the people

what they really want I know what I

really want I don't want the appliances

I don't want the Skyway Luggage you know

what I want you know what I want I want

the

I want the freak give me the freak give

we can destroy our whole way of life you

mean they're like Invaders I got the

Invaders can be dealt with

Donnie got these guys are

tourists I knew I had to get rid of them

how come martians knew everybody's

Secrets if you Tred to lie or just make

an excuse or cheat a little bit on your

taxes

it

tell it's like being invaded by people

in your fourth grade ethics

textbook somebody had a

stuff why not me you had a plan no not

[Music]

yet but I knew I had to do it people

like Sarah's

boss Dr Jane they're they're always

talking about everyone being open and

honest all the time

now they're about to find out what it'

really be

like she

fell good afternoon this is voice BR

security please St your name and the

computer will check your entry

authorization this is Mel vson I I have

an appointment with Dr Jane you are Mel

hick newon and you are very late for

your appointment with Dr Jane

[Music]

we interrupt our program to bring you

this News Bulletin Panic is spreading in

Los Angeles because of bizarre rumors of

an outer space

Invasion Invasion give me that

microphone that's one of them that's

what they sound like then I really did

see it wait a minute how do we know

we're all hearing it right now it's not

an invasion it's a convention half the

guys wanted to go to Vegas the other

half wanted Hawaii so we said what the H

let's book the whole planet Mr Kon

you're late I had to cancel your

appointment look I've got to see Dr Jane

right away I'm going to go no I was

there first I've been waiting for an

hour that's just not fair just sit down

it'll be fine I'll get him out of there

just um sit down

now what can we help you with today Dr

Jane it's these green men from Mars oh

God not another one where no no Mr

kutson I meant not another patient

coming in talking about men from

Mars This is a case of mass delusion but

he was in my hydro Spa exactly and you

felt guilty and you fantasized a man

Green With

Envy hey oh my God it's one of them hey

big guys how's it going you

mean huh is that what you're trying to

say hey you're here see Dr Jean right

right Dr Jean she's real smart huh I

hope she's smart I've got a lot of

problems Mr kutson try and see the other

person's point of view take some time to

scratch and sniff the Roses but the

Martians Mr keton I'm not letting you in

the door again go I'm sorry I'm sorry

Jane he barged right past me there was

nothing I could do all of these people

coming in talking about men from Mars

now you have got to start screening the

patients more carefully what Jame what

if they're right what are you here for

well I've been in therapy for several

years I have a problem in making

connections with people it's as if I

drive them away huh you're a n that's

your problem would it bother you if I

did

this yeah see it bothered you didn't it

it bothered you you're probably

psychotic huh he's

psychotic look at this Bo you do

BL yeah don't you worry you're going to

feel much better after our little talk

thank

you yes who's next I

am what in this

world I came to talk to you Dr Jane you

like talking to people don't you she him

too Dr Jane that is a martian isn't it

Dr Jane if that's not real I need much

more Medicare

shut

up thank you I'm

sorry like so many people talking at

once I get so you know freaked out it's

been going like this ever since I got

here got here yes where are you from

Mars you think that's significant like

maybe my life is being marred or

something ah yes I hear you saying you

feel alienated and that's what you're

you're experiencing now yes but then

lately I've been worried about you Dr

Jane about me mhm it's just you help so

many people and people have so much

confidence in you and I keep worrying

that people might find

out

things things yes would you step into my

office please no I think this is

something I'd like to share with the

group that's okay of

course I mean what about the time you

got caught plagiarizing your doctoral

thesis and all your diplomas thanes the

5 years you spent as Madam Zenovia bom

reader and Mystic advisor seems like you

never really want to share your past but

yet you talk about being open well I'm

afraid people might think you're a quack

a fake a

Noony all right let's cut the crap you

piece of crud I'm going to tear you into

so many crudy little green pieces

they're going have to pick you up with

PL I'm going to tear

you and now I'm going to smash you this

has been very helpful to you even if all

these people sue you for malpractice

malpractice

hell this is important stop twiching you

son of a

[ __ ] you you helped her I hope you're

proud of yourself I didn't know you

suspected you suspected she used to be a

gypsy fortune tell her didn't you a

little bit remember when she used to

look at this thing right before she

called her stock broker huh a little tip

off here when you think if you would

have listened to your suspicions you

could have been with Mark right now at

his apartment with a burglar where he

got shot Mark a burglar shot yes a

dangerous psychotic burglar I'm busy

here I'll get over there as soon as I

can oh my God thank you oh my

God man done it's going to be fine you

might want to break into a drugstore

steal some coating just don't put any

stress on it I wouldn't try and Jimmy

any Windows next couple of weeks I need

a drink sure I got it all right here you

me the

bodka I don't know man it's going to be

pretty tough breaking in a place with

these Martian guys always coming

around oh

I really wasn't doing too good at it

anyway I kept getting caught and

stuff I wanted to make it big man you

know I wanted to be hot I wanted to be a

gentleman burglar you know go to those

really fancy parties wear tuxedo hobnob

with all the beautiful glamorous women

and go upstairs steal all their

jewelry like

Ruffles that's

Raffles Ruffles is a potato chip

hey what do you do for work

man I write

music for TV

shows no lie you know that Lisa

Bonet

no you know Vanna White I met her once

but we didn't have anything to say to

each other

T he's one of

them Donnie woo oh yeah the new fall

season looks great doesn't it I wouldn't

want a job in TV right now mm- no way

couldn't pay me well maybe a talk show

The Martian Downey Junior show no yeah

yeah people are always going to watch

TV

anyway I'm not worried I've got stocks

bonds see that you can't push this guy

around you're okay Mark you're great I

really admire it when you people invest

you're okay big guy you're set for the

future whatever it may bring put on

channel three for the guy okay we better

keep an eye on your Holdings on Wall

Street a tumultuous

day I thought we had some film of

that that is not the film it seems we're

having some problems in our control room

because of the alleged

martians there we are like I had a

tumultuous day on Wall Street as the Dow

Jones average of 30 industrial stocks

plunged more than 1,500 points in the

wake of an apparent Invasion From Outer

Space it seems the alleged martians

stood in the backs of elevators and

started disastrous rumors many of them

true it was the worst day in the

Market's

history elsewhere around the world today

City's ground to a halt as hysterical

Citizen and now at the real news behind

the TV2 News

Department executive producer Eric

Johansson and this anchor woman Karen

Dean to is now in his third action pack

week shows no signs of slow I know that

guy he's from Mars really I got action

footage from room at thean

mot he looks good doesn't he a farm

setting such as the one you see here

would be an excellent place for Eric and

Karen's next outing especially in light

of Karen's growing number of fantasies

concerning Barnyard animals SU

away let's see what kind of music would

you write to go with this maybe

[Music]

like woman next door she's getting out

of the

shower she's

naked I've got to talk to her it's

important

I got to go too

Mark thanks for the

drink hey you going to be using that cop

car

anymore if you're not could I like

borrow

it thanks man

unreal hey Mark you know those guys he

was talking about on TV that Eric guy

and that chick wants to do in the

barn do you know

then do you know anybody

famous well I'm just going to take

off take it easy

man I was broke I was shot and my car

was a wreck I didn't realize it at the

time but things were about to get a lot

worse

Mr

smart how about a hand

yeah my my boyfriend lives in there and

and there's been a robbery he's been

shot the burglar is a psycho ma'am ma'am

it's okay calm down relax I just checked

it out everything's fine who told you

that a martian well yes don't ever

listen to those guys that burglar wasn't

a psycho he's a hero yeah that little

guy saved his boyfriend's life oh god oh

thank you

[Music]

mix

couple this is the weding

[Music]

game Mark are you

right oh

honey you have been shot oh my god did

the burglar do that to you oh a cop shot

me the burglar he fixed me up but it's a

it's okay now oh God Mark you could have

been killed I could have lost you oh

honey nearly died seven times since this

morning ever since those pain in the ass

martians showed up

here I guess they're really bad huh bad

have you met any of them yet yeah yeah

they're kind of obnoxious but I I kind

of like the way that they handle Jane

yeah well they're bad all

right oh I don't know what's going to

happen they wiped out our life

savings I guess I have to deal with that

now I'm just trying to write a little of

this theme music for St

Garrett Mark you're hurt you shouldn't

be working yeah but if if I don't work

I'm going to be hurt and starving it's

just a few bars I just have to figure

this out the weding

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

St gives you the

right can't stand for anybody to have

any fun can we reminds us of our own

lackluster existence doesn't it oh you

know I think it's a little bit

professional jealousy you can't deal

with it if someone else has a hit record

just get out of

here you need some some quiet to

concentrate on on the work that he's

trying to do okay I I didn't realize

you're right think I you're right you

people are

artists I mean if you look around you'd

see oh God that sucks gross what is that

I painted that

yeah this is

gross oh it's kind of postmodern food I

think where are the Dynamics where are

the colors you don't like green

What Love Queen We Are Queen yes not

that

Queen the Martian stayed at our place

for hours playing records giving Sarah a

hard time about her artwork eating clam

dip but I managed to finish the theme

music

anyway I wasn't going to let any

martians wreck my life next morning I

got

up put on some clean clothes and a fresh

bandage and I went to see Stan Garrett

[Music]

Stan

Stan Stan are you okay

yeah what happened

here they looted the set that's what

happened here the Martians put them up

to

it they they took they took the am Mana

touch ftic radar ranges they took the

Skyway Luggage they

took

everything F first they looted the set

of live for the money and then they went

over and looted the set of

the the Bolivia show eat my lunch and

and then they looted the set of dueling

for dollars you know with the

swords and then they came over here and

looted the set

was my

price Mark who would believe that people

could be that

greedy

Stan that's terrible

yeah I have something that might make

you feel better huh I finished that

theme what theme for the wedding bell

game huh see I was wondering if you

could give me a little advanc on this

you know I mean after you listen to it

of course it's it's kind of like the

Martian hop you know

the little thing at the

end mark there isn't there isn't going

to be any wedding Bel game there isn't

going to be any anything we're

ruined after a few weeks people

everywhere were adjusting to the

Martians if you could call it that the

places where people used to have fun and

get away with stuff were deserted

[Applause]

[Music]

about the only thing to do is have a

drink and ignore them or try to in other

news the president is expected the

president is expected jeez I better get

dressed to make a major address what

would a major want with address on a

worldwide TV hookup concerning the

Martian presents presents for us you

shouldn't have how sweet will you shut

up shut up you're talking to my buddy

you're talking to my pal yeah we got

freedom that down please break break

I'll give you a break I'm sick of

Martian

Prem Marian tapes pre Marian tapes buddy

pre Martian tapes what do you got well

uh let me see I got a

Dennis Mark hey how's it going

uh hey can I interest you a table what

do you got huh God I got uh Lakers games

before the Martians were hanging on the

Hoops uh I got rock and roll without the

Martians playing the accordians uh all

news H how much are these 20 bucks a

piece

oh I'm down to my last

five oh what the

hell take two for Old Time sake oh

thanks hey you're going to love these um

you know the announcers are nice and

calm uh you can even get the news yeah

yeah well enjoy

yeah I'll see you around think anybody

still wants their palms R well I don't

know ah you will meet an obnoxious green

stranger oh I know terrific people are

pretty hard up but Jane I want you to

know something I was never on to you no

no I thought you were crazy but I

thought you were sincere too well thank

you that means a lot to me bye-bye bye

oh this is mine did I give this to you

no I don't think so so well do keep in

touch good thing wet

left this is voice print Security State

your name and the computer will check

your entry authorization yes it's Dr

Jane woohoo it's me oh my God Dr Jan bu

Canan open the door please no no this is

me open the door please I'm in a hurry

your boyfriend does not match well of

course it doesn't hey quit screwing

around I own this building don't mess

with me it's a martian there is no

tenant named Marsha registered here you

cannot be admitted can you believe the

nerve can't even get into our own godamn

building

oh now look what you've done we want our

cleaning deposit now oh

my me

[Music]

we should just be bums

huh just stay in bed all the

[Music]

time now you're talking don't mind us

folks go on ahead go she's got a real

quality don't you think I'm curious

about this you know what the hell is

this

time therapy

therapy Mark you know I I don't think I

can want you is there no decency anymore

[Music]

huh oh hello hello I'm Jan buan and I

used to be Sarah's boss I thought she

might be here oh yes that's Wonder

Sarah's dear little painting food she's

always painting food well I'm I'm locked

out of my place well not locked out

exactly the goddamn martians okay if I

stay here tonight thank you perfect

perfect I will flop right here on this

couch you won't even know I'm

[Music]

here

well Sarah

here I don't know I'm not the guy I'm

Donnie I'm a burglar oh no I'm sorry I'm

I'm gentleman I'm a gentleman burglar

I'm I please may I

please come on guys give me something

here we don't live here relax We're

scientists this is research just one

favor can she put these

on get the hell out of here right now

this is Safe Sax I just need a place to

stay oh I see and uh see I don't have

any money and uh I can't get anything

going with these Martian guys always

coming around no kidding I'm a what's

their pitch anyway now if they wanted me

to cut them in on what I've got going I

could get that I think that what they

want is just for everybody to be really

honest and to say what they're really

feeling God I hate people like that Mark

mayy put turn the

lights the

lights yeah

yeah can you see okay Mark can you move

a little bit is that his leg that's just

feet of those those are my feet stop

with the touch

stop yeah I got a lot to talk about you

do way better there's only one

couch come on over

here okay

actually we've got a lot in

common we

do two Hustlers with nobody to hustle

yes scam going didn't you I bet it was

something

heavy kid I made Ivan bosi look like

Mother Teresa

oh you were doing those sex change

[Music]

operations well we don't have to talk

look you know I think I know what the

problem is once you make believe we're

not here you won't notice this at all

because we need intimacy and in order to

have intimacy we need privacy maybe some

of them do it by explaining it maybe

they're doing it right now maybe the

older ones don't even do it anymore

older ones older ones come on stop the

sh I don't know what to do

next don't worry I'll show

you no I mean you know for a living

do you want you want to watch lady watch

oh you sick little frustrated frogs here

watch

thato you're a bad sport oh

really wait a minute hold it hold it you

guys don't do this do you oh you do but

not physically yeah ah ah well that's

your problem you little green horny

toes you want to

watch you don't

mind we'll give you something to

watch so you don't know what this feels

like do you

no well you can just eat your little

green heart

[Music]

the sex thing was the last

straw I had to get them off this planet

so they broke up your intimate evening

it's not like they were going around

with ray guns or anything we didn't have

any ray guns those Joy buzzers are

pretty bad see how long you guys going

to keep me in here anyway we'll ask the

questions Mr Deo

[Music]

don't

smoke we'll make the lifestyle decisions

Mark if I could find a f to get out of

here

then maybe I can figure out what is that

some kind of

[Music]

[Music]

code I said if I could find out what

they were doing here maybe I could

figure out a way to get rid of

them I couldn't sleep after all that so

I turned on the TV there are all kinds

of people on there with all kinds of

theories about the

Martians tomorrow night when the

president will address a worldwide

television audience concerning the

ongoing Martian situation we might

finally get some answers these martians

are the great Beast predicted in the

Book of Revelations your mother sort

socks in

Hell the Martians do not exist they are

a mass hallucination brought about by

the hysterical fear of nuclear war all

of these threats about nuclear war and

nuclear warfare have given people a

nucular Neurosis what is it with you

people it's nuclear not nuclear you've

got the easiest language in the entire a

solar system and you keep screwing it up

invest in a dictionary schmendrick The

Institute of

scientopia the Martians can be banished

to the realm of the

[Music]

Unseen since an an estimated 1 billion

martians appeared here on Earth on a

Saturday morning 3 weeks ago at 6:17

a.m. Pacific time at Dodger Stadium

today the Dodgers set a new league

record for erors 6117

blunders

oh let's get something to eat

[Music]

I know you're not as dumb as you

act yeah I am really I

[Music]

am there's somebody down here these days

there's always

somebody oh

wait it's

people

huh what's going on here Mark Sarah Chan

that's my bus hello hello what are you

doing here who's that that's Donnie my

burglar you look like that cop well my

brother's with the police right now the

Martians locked me out of my place the

kid here let me in well why don't I go

see about getting everybody some

breakfast I you guys don't have any more

food yeah that's because you ate

everything looks like a hoorde of locust

went through the

kitchen um let last night did did did

you two interface Sarah the kid is over

18 there's only one couch that's life

was there anyone sort of like looking on

um some Martian guys yeah what do you

let them

well actually I think it sort of added

an

element really what do you mean really

it's not it's I liked it man they give

you pointers and stuff yeah well I don't

need any pointers in that department

well that's not what they

said uh yes well I'm starving do you

know where we could score some breakfast

see that's a good idea oh look here's

your shoes there's a place right down on

the corner that hands out de Quon to the

homeless perfect nice meeting you thank

you is this yours

yeah Donnie maybe you could help me

break into my bill

Sarah t

t you know you got to hand it to Jane

she's such a Survivor she can adapt to

anything yeah well some things you

shouldn't have to adapt to if you want

to live like human beings you have to

fight for

it laboratory mice have SE with

electrodes all over them we're not mice

Sarah it's been 3 weeks mark

there's no martians

around we're all alone

now you think

we

[Music]

could wait a minute this is important

this means

something something I saw on the TV

tonight this guy said that the Martians

appeared everywhere all over the world

at 6:17 a.m. our time but that's not

when mine appeared no mine well aren we

getting a little possessive Mr first

dibs there ain't no ring of my finger

I'm not your wife although I do find you

very attractive I'll deal with that I

remember what you said it's 5:30 wake up

only 5:30 now why me huh why was I the

first you get up early that's right if

we could only unlock this terrible

riddle then we'd know why they come

think Mark

think you're really getting out of line

here fella

530 53 530 530 5 * 30 is 150 150 does

that mean the Martians would have to

live here for 150 years would you shut

up 150 years I'm not ready to leave in

150 years I just got here I like to

relax get to know the town maybe buy

some shirts you see they're trying to

distract me they know that I'm on to

something huh you know that I'm on to

something don't you but but why would

they come to me first cuz you're tall no

no no it's the music that director Joe

flater Mouse said that it it should be a

message of understanding across the

Galaxy it it should bridge the gap the

music that you played to me over the

phone it went out over the radio yeah it

was the greeting oh please a way to

believe that 1 billion martians are

waiting around for some hack Canadian

composer to to write some science

fiction music so we can visit his Planet

I am not Canadian well you know that's

our level of bad taste why don't I just

pick up some black velvet Elvis

paintings while I'm

here some guy in Trenton New Jersey he

has a theory that martians are magnetic

fields no we should go to his house and

stick to his

[Laughter]

refrigerator well we've got to go got to

go good luck on that whole music deal we

loved it

see how much they like it when I get rid

of

them what are you

doing I'm going to Washington

[Music]

Brian what do you think uh which looks

more presidential blue or this one blue

really I kind of like the red it's close

it's very close the red is more powerful

yeah I think so Tom get rid of

[Music]

this open closed

closed is it the monitor

here of course those days uh people

thought it impossible that someone of

my fellow

Americans to speak not only to you but

with our guests from the planet

[Music]

Mars friends from Mars if you're

listening we realize now why you have

come to our planet

[Music]

[Music]

you part

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

ofar I got a burn need inside to find a

man who's trying to hide he's over there

and it's easy to reach he's over there

there right there right

there there over

there

right

right

backwards I should have played it

backwards so that's how I got in here

and you expect us to believe all that

nice try pal but no sale you disrupted a

major presidential speech do you know

what kind of trouble you're in we're

talking the big house here disrupting a

speech I wish it was that simple oh God

not again disrupting a speech is just

the cover these people are devious

they're ruthless you have to learn to

think like

them yeah sure

uh maybe I am going to do some time but

it's worth it worth it wise up you sack

sure it's it's worth it it worked didn't

it got rid of all the Martians didn't I

how about those Iranian troop movements

huh quite a coincidence isn't it can you

just get out of here how can I get out

of here when you got me strapped into

these things not you not me no not a

coincidence my friend you just shut up

didn't say anything not you you idiot

the Martians martians what about the

Russians in fact how about them Dodgers

there's no martians around here I got

rid of all the martians by playing my

music nutcase and Wing be get the

net got

my can you scratch my nose for me

[Music]

pleasee the defendant is remanded to

psychiatric evaluation I object I object

[Music]

over half a dozen or so of these large

red suppositories that ought to hold

their nurses oh Sarah doctor is that for

me oh no that's for Mark oh has there

been any change oh I'm sorry not yet but

you mustn't give up hope Sarah we're

doing everything known to Medical

Science we have removed uh work from his

foot and several ingrown toenails his

foot yes you'd be surprised how often in

gr toenails drive people

crazy how long have you been a

psychiatrist psychi

oh no I'm a podiatrist a foot doctor you

see Sarah during this Mental Health Care

shortage some of us from other fields

have had to move in and take up the

slack why can't he even hear him or see

him it's an extreme case of denial you

see he doesn't want there to be Martian

so as far as his conscious mind is

concerned there are no martians but just

because he hasn't responded to treatment

yet don't give up hope we still have a

few cards to

play hi Sarah Dr Kaplan come on in how

are you guys we're fine Mark how about

yourself oh I'm good getting a lot of

work done the feet are good wonderful

mhm yeah it's so nice and quiet here

doctor do you think that we could have

just a little time alone together of

course excuse

me goodbye Dr Kaplan bye honey look what

I got

you oh

Sarah

oh oh

oh ARA they took my other one away in

[Music]

jail I made you

something I was going to weave you a

basket but I decided I'm better at

this excuse me can you play Far Away

do you know far away hello I had a dog

who get S like that I had to shoot her

thank you we got your number pal the day

job hey look at that

[Music]

nurse we would need some

UFO to tell us what to

do if everyone would stay on their own

home

planet I'd like to stay on this

one here with

[Music]

you what that was

beautiful

thanks oh you poor thing you really

can't see them can you the

Martians sure I

do what I didn't have any choice Sarah I

tampered with a major presidential

address if I didn't come here I'd be in

jail right now lifting weights and

joining the Muslims that's no kind of

Life For

Me well now what I don't know do you

still think playing the music backwards

will make them leave sure good I have a

plan

I have a truck full of equipment parked

out front but we have to move fast why

cuz it's all

[Music]

stolen

okay let's

[Music]

see not that it's not funny it's just

that it's not

funny Green Man oh outer space alien oh

space

Invaders congratulations doctor he cure

thank you thank you oh thank you Doctor

the toenail therapy works it works oh oh

get them away from me take me home don't

let them get on me

[Music]

[Music]

I wouldn't do that if I were you it's

going to short out and you're going to

look like Tracy Chapman would you just

let her work what are you so afraid of

huh that part there that's not even

ground did one false move we're all

French toast just ignore the money I'm

trying to Dear you're going to have a

phasing problem like you would not

believe okay I think we can try it yeah

yeah I got the dishes outside pointed

towards two different satellites when I

push this button here we'll be jamming

hundreds of different radio stations we

can monitor a bunch of them right here

AM FM and short wave you want to try it

out yeah tell me when

[Music]

[Music]

W awful lot of dirt in that awful lot of

dirt oh go ahead play

it the wedding bell game wait the weding

would you shut

up I forgot it Sarah what the theme I

can't remember it I

I can't remember it forward so I can't

play it backwards remember just needs a

little Health concentrating

concentration

Guys 1 2

[Music]

three drop your silver in my

tambourine you take take

anything now listen while I play sugar

ah honey

honey you were my candy girl and you got

me one before they took you

away remember when you ran away and I

got on my knees and begged you not to

leave because I go B

and get a hold of

[Music]

yourself you can you can

[Music]

girl just be the bit

[Music]

are you do we did

it oh Sarah we got rid of the Martians

[Music]

the Martians are gone I repeat they are

gone since approximately 6:45 this

evening Pacific Time one of the

strangest chapters in human history

Ended as abruptly as began

[Music]

[Music]

a Sarah do you hear that what sound of

people lying and cheating sneaking

around and having fun again yeah let's

have some fun about us

[Music]

hello Mark you're home thank God huh the

the the the green scumbags are gone is

that fabulous Stan it's wonderful we're

sitting here having a normal life it's

great I had a huge huge enormous idea

for a fabulous new game show I pulled

right over I had a call you listen to

this the divorce game is that fabulous

or what oh this is the beauty part

they're competing for their own houses

uh uh Furniture life savings uh you know

all that stuff so the prize overhead is

like it's nothing oh Stan it sounds like

a really great idea but uh I don't think

I'm interested in that kind of work

anymore no no I've hooked up with some

guys I used to play with and we're going

to try the club circuit for a while see

if we can come up with some gigs I

see okay well no I C I understand

perfectly well you take care of yourself

Stan okay babe you too byebye schmuck

[Music]

the

[Music]

a

[Music]

the

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

sometimes I wish that we could live

forever so all the world could see just

how much you mean to

me we find a place where we could stay

together a cabin in my the sky with you

close by my

side sometimes I wished if we could live

[Music]

forever and I could spend

forever loving you

[Music]

sometimes I wish that we could live

forever for nothing can

compare to the feelings that we share

with every step I keeps get

better it feels just like a

fantasy for you and me

I wish that we could last

forever and I could spend forever Ling

[Music]

you sometimes I wish that we could live

forever

and you our space and time I be yours

and you be mine and in the end we fly

away

together like plan in my side our love

would never

die sometimes I wish that we could laugh

forever

and I can spend

forever Ling

[Music]

you in

you I love

[Music]

you you

meanwhile somewhere on the planet Venus

[Music]

[Music]

it's