Original subtitles

What do you mean, ladies and gentlemen?

Last week on Dream On.

That's very sweet of you to remember my birthday, Tobin.

I'm going to the Richard Stone Memorial Service.

June the 22nd will be known as the International Day of Sorrow.

Come on, let's get out of here.

We'll grab a quick dinner before the game .

We're not going to the game. I sort of gave your ticket to Alec Baldwin.

I'm celebrating the happiest day of my life.

Could you change little Richard for me?

I have to introduce Paul George and Ringo.

I want you right here, right now.

The next act is a blackout.

Hey, hey, take it easy.

Have you seen your father?

Hey, hey, hey.

He has the baby and I can't find him anywhere.

We kidnapped you.

There's probably a surprise birthday party going on right now.

Today was his birthday.

Pardon me for buttoning on his acts like this, but somebody's got to

introduce them.

We're screenwriters.

Today is the true story ripped from Tamar's headlight.

Laugh him up. There are three nice kids trying to make 11.

No, no, no. Tamar's headlines are

deranged. Brother and sister screen writing.

Get mappers. Go to prison.

The police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Martin Lewis Tupper.

Fuck!

I had one way of putting it. I should have had him put away.

Concentrate, you wimp. Action.

This is Martin Lewis Tupper. I have baby stone here with me and he's in

perfect health, for now.

How can this be happening?

I should take him out right now.

Fuck!

Oh, from the moment I laid eyes on you, before I chloroformed you, I felt

that we had this connection.

Now we come to the big face of resistance.

Oh, Jane.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad. I was getting there.

I think I'm going to come soon. I'm going to come soon.

Help me. God, help me.

You certainly got to give him credit for trying.

Yeah, baby, yeah!

We got a big show here tonight.

What the hell is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on here. Martin's getting inside my head.

But I'm getting out now. I'm going to fucking kill you.

Step on it.

Whoa!

It's my sister.

Hey, I'm a handcuff and she's on top of me. How is this my fault?

Calling her a slut.

Hey, hey, hey. I am 32 years old and I can have sex with whoever I want.

While you two are discussing this, I'd love to put my pants back on.

Why don't you just leave us alone, huh? I thought you were getting food.

Where's the food, huh?

I don't have money.

Well, go get my purse and go get the food. Get out of here.

I'll leave you here alone with him.

No, you'll get the food. I'll stay here.

Right. When I get back, he'll be broken into little pieces.

If you want, I'd be happy to go. Or better yet, none of us will go that

way. We'll all be here.

When the baby wakes up, you go get the baby. You get dressed.

We're all going out.

Martin, hi. I know you're a little upset right now, but is it because of

your birthday?

Because, you know, we didn't forget. We planned a big, big surprise party

, but you never showed up.

Surprise!

We have a cake. It's your favorite, Fudgy the Whale.

And presents. I know how much you love presents, so why don't you just

come on down here and join the party?

And by the way, don't forget to bring

Little Richard with you, okay? All right.

Hey, bud. It's me, Eddie. Eddie Charles from The Home Sweet Home Show,

weekdays at 9 on Channel --

Anyways, I know you may be feeling small, you know, even insignificant, but

we've all been there.

Remember when my show was only local?

I could hardly look in the mirror. Of

course, I didn't commit a federal offense.

Oh, and here's somebody else who wants to say something.

Somebody who finds the workplace a little emptier these days. Here's your

secretary, Tony.

What do you think?

Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.

Hold it in.

The best laid plans of mice and men.

I can't believe that. If I ever got my hands on this top of guy, you know

what I'd do, Lord?

I'd take his head and I'd stick it in a deep fryer so that his face would

turn into a pus-filled tater tot.

Who's for dessert?

That's a good pie.

Okay.

Have a good one.

Just look it down.

If you think Martin's a joke, we're never going to get any ransom.

God damn it. No matter what I try, I always get screwed.

Why can't we get a bread? Just stop whining.

You think I have a monopoly on misery? Try living my life.

Try living in the shadow of Richard Stone

for a while. First, he steals my wife.

Then he steals my kidney. Then he steals my fucking birthday.

Martin, paint a positive picture.

Paint it yourself. My birthday's on the International Day of Sorrow.

When is yours? When is yours? Come on.

Christmas Day.

February 29th.

I'm 10.

I'm right.

I guess we all got screwed.

You're a whale of a dad. It's time to blow up the candles.

Have I got an idea?

Hey, you know what we should do? We should have a group birthday cake.

You don't make today our own little birthday celebration. What do you say?

Whatever. You're paying for it.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Could you bring us a cake from that rotating

dessert museum?

Thank you.

Happy birthday to you.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Cool color.

What's that smell?

Oh, it's a red Rose.

No, no, no. It's the cake. It smells funny.

What are you talking about?

It looks like the frosting's bad or something.

I'm not kidding. Just smell it.

Dad, where do you think you're going?

Somebody just took a mice-scent and cut it with a knife.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Good. Can I have $600 to buy tux for the MTV Awards?

I could rent one for $100, but it

won't be as good a value in the long run.

I miss Little Richard so much. We've never been apart this long before.

And he doesn't even have his oboe.

I want you to put $100 billed in a free-- Did you hear that?

I think it was Little Richard's rattle.

I want you to put $3 million in unmarked,

non-sequential, $100 billed in a free--

I think it's Morse code.

He knows Morse code?

Yes! Richard donned it too, but I was pregnant and I used to communicate

by tapping on my belly.

Abandoned warehouse. Leonia, New Jersey. Send, help, and pampers.

I can't believe you betrayed me.

After I let you inside my head.

I can't believe you fell for that cake thing. I knew he would.

Hi. I'm Tobi Pedelbe. When you're making coffee for Martin Lewis Topa,

one little slip-up can mean losing more than just your job.

That's why I use Buckner's Coffee, a special blend of the highest quality

beans from Brazil.

Tobi, where's my coffee?

Coming right up, Mr. Topa.

Mmm, now that's good coffee.

Buckner's Coffee. So good, you can bet your life on it.

She doesn't even know how to put the filter in.

There's been a major break in the Tupper kidnapping story.

We take you now live to the scene in Leonia, New Jersey.

Behind me is the abandoned warehouse where police believe that

disgruntled book editor, Martin Lewis Topa, is holding baby stone.

Fuck. How the hell did they find us?

I called the police.

I got someone out there smarter than you.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

That must be the police.

Answer it.

With what?

All right. No funny stuff.

Play it straight.

Hello?

Marty.

Yeah, this is Perry Gull, Gold Knuckle Productions.

Listen.

When this whole thing is over, if you're still alive, let's have lunch.

Like to talk TV movies.

Who is it?

He's the police.

It's Perry Gull. He wants to discuss a movie deal.

Perry Gull.

Perry Gull wants to produce a horror movie.

Oh my God. This is like the positive picture I painted.

Now this, my boy, is what we call grand strategy.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

He wants to talk about my movie.

What do you mean?

Me, me, me. I'm the kidnapper. You two don't even exist.

You've written yourselves out of your own screenplay.

Put them on. Put them on. Come on. Put them on. Put them on.

Oh, no.

Hello, Mr. Gold.

Aaron Harnick here.

I'm the real kidnapper, and I'm a huge fan.

Huge.

Love, tale, hook, voyage of shame. Scott Bayo, never better.

Oh, and my sister loved it too.

Hi, Perry.

She's also a kidnapper.

Oh, no. Tuppered?

Just a friend.

We are the real kidnappers.

I can go free. No tricks. No strings.

Well, uh, what do you mean you don't believe me?

It don't look so good.

What's going on?

I can't get through. The line's busy.

They don't have a call waiting? It's a dollar fifty a month.

So you believe Scott Bayo is chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

but you don't believe this?

Fuck.

Are you hung up?

Well, boys, another busto crusto.

Move it!

Hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

Now you believe me!

Huh?

Oh, Martin, oh my God!

No, no, no, no, no. The baby's fine. I'm fine.

Just do what he says.

Give me your hand.

What?

Put the gun down. Give yourselves up.

I'm not talking to the police.

I'm only talking to Perry Gold.

Hi.

How you doing? I'm Perry Gold. What do you want?

We want three million dollars for the rights to our story,

and we want to write the script.

Story, what story?

The story isn't over yet. There's no ending.

What are you talking about?

This is the ending. You make the deal and I live.

Who the hell's going to buy that?

No. People want drama. People want action.

It is pretty anti-comatic.

You know what had a great ending? Herbie the love bug.

When the car splits in half and the back

end finishes the race before the front?

I love that.

Excuse me, but in case you haven't

noticed, this guy's got a gun to buy ahead.

And the networks have a gun to mind, okay?

So, give me an ending and we'll talk.

It's always dark just before the door.

Endings. Endings. What's a great ending?

I got it. We torched the place. Burn it

to the ground in a giant fucking inferno.

That's been done, you know. It's Waco.

Okay. All right. Poison?

Yes.

Mass suicide.

Jonestown. And that's just Waco with Kool-Aid.

You're right. No production value, plus we'd be dead.

Yeah.

I got it. Oh, and you're going to love this. We cut off your dick.

No, no, no. I mean, that's been done to death.

Shit. All the good ideas are taken.

You'll think of something.

You don't have an ending because you don't have a hero.

Yeah, yeah. You got to give the audience somebody to root for.

And how might that be? You?

There you go. See? See, there's the idea.

You could be the hero.

You could cash in. You could get all the glory.

You could go to Disneyland. Well, fuck that.

We're throwing you off the fucking roof.

What do you want, a happy ending?

What the hell is going on? Just give me a helmet. I'm going in.

Mrs. Stone, we are trained police officers.

Yeah, well, I'm a mother. Now, give me a fucking gun.

When we get all the body bags zipped

up, maybe you and I could get a drink.

I'm moving on the roof.

All right. All right. Now, listen up.

Everybody move back and lay your weapons down.

One force moving.

Tupper, just a... Tupper against it?

Just came out.

Know what they say? They mean business.

All right, gentlemen. Lower your weapons.

This is the scene. You enter and take him on single hand.

This is the greatest fight scene ever screened.

Everything goes. No holds by.

Fasters, everybody. Action!

Get over there. Lie down and put your hands on your head.

Don't anybody panic. The baby's fine.

I've got everything under control.

Way to go, bud.

That was incredible. He reminded me of that guy's die-hard.

Did they buy it?

They ate it up.

You see? Now, there's an ending.

I'm big enough to admit that your ending was better than mine.

Although your acting leaves a lot to be desired.

Don't listen to him. You were great.

That rolling, spinning thing you did...

Oh, like he made that up? My counter's just a twice an episode on Mannix.

Okay, come on. We have to hurry.

Now, how do you want to do this curtain call?

Hands over your head or should I tie you up?

I'd prefer to be tied up.

No surprise there.

We'll go with the hands over the head thing. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Not so fast. Not until you sign the waiver.

This covers everything. No books. No movies. No public appearances.

You so much as look at a producer and I will sue your ass.

No problem. A deal's a deal.

Sign it.

What?

Give me the kit.

An amazing performance.

Excuse me.

I got him.

Jude!

Martin!

Jude!

Martin!

Jude!

Let me through. Thank God you're all right.

Oh, Martin. I am so sorry that I doubted you.

You know, I didn't know what to think and it was just--

No, no, no, Jude, no. No apologies necessary.

You were just so incredibly brave.

For a minute there you reminded me of-- The king!

Richard.

Well, it's just a reflex, really.

What is it, Jude? What?

Oh, he wants you to have his rattle.

Nelson Mandela gave it to him.

You know, it's sort of like from one hero to another.

There's something that you should know.

I love you so much.

Your fly is open.

Listen, if you need a technical advisor on your movie,

I did some work on Hill Street Blues.

Really? What did Marinara like?

Guess he's a good looking person.

Absolutely. It's quite strappy.

So what are you going to do to me? Send me to prison?

Don't you think I'd make sure you

get a good ear for your-- with Mrs. Stone--

Hey, good seeing you again.

Listen, I made a few phone calls for talking mini-series.

I've got Valerie Bertinelli and Robert Urey who can have it on the air

for November sweep.

But yet I do have a comment in my deep

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You forgot to make a wish?

No.

Okay.

Got it.

What did you wish for?

That Alec Baldwin won't take me to a Nick game.

You're not still upset about that, are you?

No, no, of course not. Come on.

Does this cake smell funny?

No. I don't think so.

How old are you?

Eight.

Happy birthday, Martin.

Oh, thank you, Toby.

They gave me like 50 cases.

I would like to propose a toast to Martin Lewis Tupper, my hero.

Hurry up. The news is about to start.

You're a celebrity and I'm famous.

You're a big shot.

I'm not interested.

Come on. How often have you been on the news in a positive light?

Well, I feel obsessed.

Baby Stone saga came to an end early this morning with the arrest of the

kidnappers Aaron Stewart-Harnick and Jane Stewart-Harnick.

Baby Stone has been returned to the safety

of his mother, the widow Judith Stone.

For these events are clips tonight as the world turns its attention to Fort

Wayne, Indiana,

where police have arrested 16-year-old

disgruntled Olympic hopeful Linda J eter

in connection with the brutal castration of

her coach, lover, and uncle Ivan Volovich.

What about me?

I can't believe this.

He asked me that perfect Volovich had it coming to us.

I'm telling you, I'm just saying.

Did you see the train?

This woman's like that.

Oh, it's skating.

I'm a big man. I'm famous.

Stay out of it.

Stay out of it.

I'm a big, cute duck. Happy birthday.