Original subtitles

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday dear Dokmi, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.

Hey guys.

Happy birthday dear Dokmi.

Morning Toby.

Wow, you look nice.

Thank you.

Well today's a big day.

Today we pay tribute to a very special man.

[MUSIC]

That's very sweet of you to remember my birthday Toby.

You think I can dress up for you?

I'm going to the Richard Stone Memorial Service.

What?

I thought that was tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

What gave you that idea?

You wrote it on my calendar.

I guess I made a mistake.

What are the odds of that?

One hundred percent.

Oh by the way, there's a surprise waiting for you in your office.

Rich gifts.

Hello, hello.

And this is to my good friend, Marty.

The upstairs pipes exploded.

Happy birthday.

I'm celebrating the happiest day of my life.

It is said that with every end there is a beginning.

And so today with a heavy heart humanity begins life, if you will,

in the post-Stoemage.

From the four corners of the globe,

the best and the brightest from all fields, politics, the arts,

sciences, sports and entertainment,

convene at the United Nations to pay their final tribute

to the best and brightest of us all, Dr. Richard Stone.

I'll never forget Richard Stone.

It was the '84 Olympics and I was just about to do my last vault.

And he came to me having just won the gold medal and the triple jump

and he said, Mary Lou, everything you're doing is perfect.

But after you stick your landing, smile.

Six months later I was on the Wheaties box.

So long, Richard.

You always get a perfect ten in my heart.

This is so moving.

Just like the end of Brian's song.

They had to do this on my birthday.

The guy's frozen solid.

He'll keep.

Shh.

What are you doing?

Pretend you're my date.

Ted Kennedy's making ice out of me.

Oh, stop it.

Come on, let's get out of here.

We'll grab a quick dinner before the game.

Actually, we're not going to the game.

I sort of gave your ticket to Alec Baldwin.

Sort of?

I met him in the lobby.

I've been dying to have him on my show.

Apparently he's looking to plug his new line of natural juices.

I don't believe you.

This is my birthday.

Martin, it's Alec.

The best Baldwin.

He's a major star.

Right, right.

Besides being your best friend, what am I?

I knew you'd understand.

This should have been the happiest day of my life.

Forget it.

Just forget it.

This birthday's a total write-off.

Would you come on?

It's just one birthday.

You'll have other birthdays to celebrate.

And from this day forward, June the 22nd,

will be known as the International Day of Sorrow.

It will be commemorated worldwide by 24 hours of fasting and reflections.

All businesses will see... June, I'm sorry.

I can't stay.

I have to go.

Finish some things at the office.

I'll call you later.

No, no, no, don't go.

I really need you now.

Oh, I've been waiting a long time to hear you say that.

June, whatever you need, I'm here for you.

Okay, great.

Could you change little Richard for me?

What?

I have to introduce Paul, George, and Ringo.

They were very close with Richard.

Apparently, he was the walrus.

Jude!

Here's his little diaper bag.

Just don't forget to put lots of balm eggs on his little bottom.

Excuse me.

It's okay.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Okay, okay, take it easy, will you?

What does he feed you anyway?

It stinks.

Excuse me, this is the men's room.

I know.

I've been watching you all afternoon.

Really?

Uh-huh.

And I've been thinking one thing.

I want you right here, right now.

Maggotism.

Boy, I'm loaded with it.

Wait a minute.

This is one of those birthday spiffer gramps.

Eddie put you up to this, didn't he?

Nope.

Oh, God, I don't think there's the time or place for this.

Why not?

There's a baby here and a urinal, and why don't I just take your number?

Hey, hey, take these.

These are my favorite jackets.

I'll buy you a new one.

Hey, come here.

Hey, help me.

Wait a minute.

I know you.

What?

Come on, you're supposed to call you "pitch me in a casino."

I fuck-- Aaron, something.

Oh, yeah.

How you doing?

You're fucking strangling me.

Richard was like a father to me.

More than that, we had a great influence on each other.

Stone theory of cosmic expansion?

This is probably about my basketball.

Can I talk to you for a minute, Jeremy?

Sure, Mom. Lean on me. I'm your rock.

I'm kind of busy here. Can you give me five minutes?

You're seeing your father.

He has the baby, and I can't find him anywhere.

Oh.

We're fucked, Jane. We're fucked.

Not from the baby.

We should have just left the guy there.

We couldn't. He knows who you are.

What, so it's my fault that I have a memorable face, that I have charisma?

Just relax. Remember the three P's?

Hmm?

Paint a positive picture.

Spare me the Pollyanna crap.

You sound just like Mom.

Oh, gosh. Where am I?

Where's the baby?

Oh, baby's fine.

What the hell's going on here?

We kidnapped you.

You are in trouble. You are in big trouble.

You two don't realize who you're dealing with.

People are going to be looking for me.

Did Mr. Tupper seem upset or agitated?

No. Well, no more than usual.

He's always that way.

You know, actually, he was whining a lot about having a shitty birthday.

Ah! God, today was his birthday?

There's probably a surprise birthday party going on right now, and when I

don't show up, people are going to start asking a lot of questions.

How would you describe Tupper's demeanor at work?

Was he disgruntled?

Anonymous?

Impetent?

I'd say D, all of the above.

Was he a loner?

Oh, sure, but not necessarily by his own choice.

So what channel is this going to be on?

I happen to be a respected member of this community.

Not to mention a close, personal friend of Richard Stone's.

Your ex-husband resented Richard Stone, did he not?

No, no, no.

Maybe he was a little jealous, but who wouldn't be?

I understand Tupper is a failed writer.

Not failed. Unpublished.

What are you getting at?

Well, Dr. Stone had considerable success as a writer. Did he not?

Well, he won a few Pulitzer's, and the Nobel Prize for fiction,

but really writing was just a hobby for him.

You do realize that 99.9% of all kidnappers get caught?

Where'd you hear that?

Uh... I invented it.

Sixty minutes.

Oh, first of all, silly, we are not going to get caught.

We ran it past everyone in our workshop,

and no one could punch a hole in it .

Do you have a kidnapper's workshop?

Actually, it's a writing workshop.

We're screenwriters, which is why even

if we do get caught... Which we won't?

We're way ahead of the game, because

we finally get the seller for screenplay.

And we can name our prize.

A hundred and twenty pages of solid gold.

This is all for a screenplay?

Oh, no, yesterday was a screenplay.

Today is a true story ripped from tomorrow's headlines.

No, no, no.

Tomorrow's headlines are Gerrain's brother

and sister's screenwriting kidn appers.

What prison? Nobody goes to prison anymore.

Did Tanya Harding go to prison?

Did Lorena Babbitt go to prison?

Did Oliver North go to prison?

In fact, when we sell the screenplay, I

might even run for the fucking savings.

We interrupt this program for a special report.

There has been a break in the Stone Baby Kidnapping.

When the cops get here in about an hour,

we'll see who's going to go to prison.

Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of this man,

Martin Louis Tuppert, disgruntled book editor and an embittered ex-husband

of the widow Judith Stone.

What?

I'm sorry. Who's going to prison?

Happy birthday to you.

That is crazy. I mean, Martin didn't kidnap his own godchild.

Mr. Stone, we have a lot of experience with cases like this,

and Tuppert fits the profile.

Divorced, disgruntled, failed artists.

Feelings of persecution.

Now he's a ticking time bomb.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You do not know Martin.

Now granted, he may be a lot of those things, but he is not a kidnapper.

Hello?

Judith, it's Martin.

Oh, it's Martin! Oh, thank God, thank God.

Where are you? What happened?

I kidnapped Little Richard.

You what?

I'll call you with further instructions.

I am going to kill him.

It's the second day of the Stone Baby kidnapping,

and we're speaking with the divorced parents

to alleged kidnapper Martin Louis Tuppert.

Sir, before the break, you were saying?

It's all your fault.

You planted him in front of a TV all day,

filling his head full of all kinds of crazy ideas.

Me? Who's the one who wore him all those toy guns?

I had to toughen him up after all the coddling she did.

He had special needs.

He had trouble controlling himself.

He went for bed till he was eight years old.

I was five, and you're the one who made me drink a big glass of apple juice

before bedtime.

She said it would help me sleep.

Growing up with a kidnapping dad must have been pretty uncool.

Did he ever do anything to you?

Well, once when I was really little, he pulled me out of bed,

he dragged me down the stairs, and he said, "We're hitting the road."

I said, "Dad, I don't want to go. I don't want to go."

And he said, "Just get in the car and keep your mouth shut."

I took him to the Air and Space Museum.

He had the time of his life. I had to drag him out of there.

I wake up screaming.

That must have been horrifying.

Now, what's the next video, Jeremy?

Well, I'd like to send this one out to my dad.

It's the Pretenders with their classic video, "Back on the Chain Gang."

Miss Padobee, you work with Martin Lewis Tupper every day for 12 years.

Does this tragic event come as a surprise to you?

Not at all, Maury. I saw her coming a mile away.

Martin was like a turtle ready to snap.

Could you give us an example?

I'd love to, Maury. One day in the office,

I accidentally spilled a pot of boiling coffee in his lap.

But for no reason, he started screaming like some kind of lunatic.

Maury, I should have known then. I should have had him put away before it

was too late.

So what do you think, audience? Should

Miss Padobee have had Tupper locked up?

New York, it's day three of the Stone Baby kidnapping,

and the big question, where is Martin Lewis Tupper?

Mmm, smooth as Baby Richard's butt.

That baby is amazing. I gave him Legos,

and he made a full-scale model of the Suez Canal with working locks.

Yeah, well, it's not like you can take ships through it.

I fixed your ransom speech.

What's wrong with my version?

One false move, and the baby gets it?

Who are you writing for, the frog from Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse?

That is how criminals talk. That is classic noir. Am I right, Martin?

You're both crazy.

Uh, I'd hunch I'd have to see it in context.

You have no ear for dialogue, and you know why? Because you don't listen.

I listen. I listen all the time. I do listening exercises.

Sometimes I spend five or six hours standing around the lobby of a building.

You know what I do?

You listen. I listen.

Martin's an editor. Let's let him decide which version's best.

What the hell does he know? He turned down

the casino heist book, and it was gold.

Just let him decide. At least he'll be impartial.

Okay, fine. You big baby.

You are the biggest baby.

You are the biggest baby ever. Okay.

Here. Oh, no. No, no, no.

Which one do you like the best?

And be brutally honest. I can handle it.

Hers or mine?

Eenie meenie miney mo.

Well, they're both very, very good in their own way.

But if I was forced to choose, I guess I'd have to go with... ...Errence.

Oh, look, that's really fair. You get a gun in the guy's face.

Do this gun have anything to do with your decision?

No. No, no. Not at all.

I didn't think so.

Hey. How are you holding up?

Oh, I'm just peachy. My husband's frozen stiff.

My baby's been kidnapped. I'm just having a gay old time.

Listen, the next couple of days are gonna be pretty rough.

I mean, you're not gonna have any privacy.

People are gonna try to take advantage of you.

I just want you to know that I'm gonna be right here for you.

Day and night if necessary.

Thanks, Eddie. That really means a lot to me.

You know, since I'm gonna be here anyways,

do you think it'd be all right if I did my show live from your kitchen?

What?

Oh, come on. It's not like you ever cook in it.

Just give us some thought.

Uh, never mind.

This is Martin Louis Stupper.

I have baby stone here with me.

And... We need help. He and I have eaten health prisoners.

And she's in perfect health. For now.

Here are my instructions.

I want you to... Save me. Save me.

To put $3 million in unmarked, non-sequential $100 bills in a briefcase.

Then... Help!

Cut. Cut. Cut.

What's with the faces?

Faces? What faces?

You look scared.

Now, come on. You're a kidnapper.

Confident, dangerous, in control.

Let's take it from the top.

I thought that was very real, a desperate man driven to desperate ends

like Pacino and Dr. Afternoon.

That's what I was going for.

Quiet on the set.

Pick up the baby, please.

All right. Pick up the baby.

I'm gonna pick up the baby.

Concentrate, you wimp.

Act like a man.

Act like a man, huh?

Act like a man.

Act like a man, huh?

Action.

This is Martin Louis Stupper.

I have baby stone here with me, and he's in perfect health.

For now.

Here are my instructions.

I want you to put $3 million in unmarked,

non-sequential $100 bills in a briefcase.

How can this be happening?

What kind of sick fuck is he?

I swear to God, I should take him out right now.

Bob! Take it easy.

You just got your gun back.

Should we call? Maybe we should call, huh?

Should we call?

Yeah, see if they got the tape. Let's call.

I think we should call.

Maybe we should call. Should we call?

Did you forget your medication?

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

I gotta get some real food.

If I had any more strained vegetables, I'm gonna kill somebody.

Don't look at me!

Actually, food is a great idea.

I'm pretty hungry myself.

I'm sorry. You're hungry, too?

What can I get you?

How about a nice, big, juicy steak?

Some lobster and some strawberry ice cream?

Pumquats.

Well?

You think I can care what you want?

You'll eat what I give you.

I'll be back.

Later.

Don't worry, I won't let him kill you.

I'd appreciate that.

Wait a minute, Archie.

There may be a way out.

You know, down for these gone, I thought your ransom speech was brilliant.

Much, much better than his.

Really? Did you get the parallel imagery?

You know, baby stone in the metal lands and baby Moses in the bull rushes?

Get it! It brought tears to my eyes.

I mean, it's obvious you've got all the talent.

You know what I mean? You're Simon. He's Garfunkel.

You're George Michael. He's... That other guy from "Lamb."

Finally, someone understands.

It's always Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron.

Do you know what it's like to live in someone's shadow? Do you?

To feel small and insignificant, like you have no value at all?

The story of my life?

You shouldn't feel that way. You're beautiful

and intelligent and you've got a gift.

A real gift.

Oh, from the moment I laid eyes on you, before I chloroformed you, I felt

that we had this connection.

But not really a connection. See, it was

more like a... It felt like a... A bond.

A bond, exactly. God, we are so in sync.

Huh? It's like you're in my head.

I'd crawl up and live in there if I could.

Oh, Martin.

Why don't you take off my handcuffs?

I might get better this way.

Good try. That's not good enough.

No fucking money.

You fucking idiot!

You stupid fuck!

Where's the telephone?

Oh.

Oh, Jane.

May I use your phone?

Oh, Martin, it's so great to be with someone who finally understands me.

Me too.

Whoa.

You don't have to be to me. In Spanish.

Donde esta El telefon�d?

I don't know any Spanish.

I... Give me the people, police.

Oh, God. I'm so glad I was kidnapped.

Me too.

This feels so good, God.

Help me, God. Help me.

Come, baby. Make me scream.

Oh, well, I'll make you scream so loud.

Everyone in Neonia, New Jersey will hear you.

I never knew section of warehouse could feel so good.

Help me. I think I'm going to come soon.

I'm going to come soon.

Help me, by the way.

Help me.

What the hell is going on here?

I'm going to fucking kill you.