All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 04x25 - Were Outta Here

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪

This was a lovely afternoon.

Oh, I'll say. I just love
the legitimate theater.

You know, I missed Mr. Lee J.
Cobb in Death of a Salesman.

I missed Mr. Marlon Brando
in Streetcar Named Desire.

Well, I was damned if I was gonna miss Mr.
Dick Butkus in Pal Joey.

And there's a brand-new
water heater in the garage

and wall-to-wall carpeting
in all the bedrooms.

Ma, what the hell are you doing?
Selling the house.

And that's a working fireplace, and
with these cathedral ceilings,

you could stack 50 VCRs
if you wanted to.

So, you think it over,

and if you're interested,
give us a call.

I make offer now.

If you like, you call me.

Sophia, honey,
you can't just sell my house.

Is this in dollars?
No, it's in cucumber rolls.

Of course it's in dollars.

Sophia, what's this all about?

You tell me. I'm not the one who put
the for-sale sign on our front lawn.

What?

Oh, damn!

Those Donaldson boys
must have moved that sign

from the MacKenzies' front lawn
and stuck it on ours.

Then this is all a mistake.

Yeah, but this sure isn't.

Oh.

Blanche, what do you mean?

Would you seriously consider
selling the house?

Well, no.
I mean, I don't think so.

You have to admit
this is an awful lot of money.

Frankly, more than
I think the house is worth.

And as your agent,
three percent of it is mine.

What do you say, Blanchey?
Do we close the deal?

Oh, I just don't know.
This is all so sudden.

There's so many things
to consider.

Oh, look, Blanche, if you're
worried about us, don't be.

I mean, just because
you're selling the house

doesn't mean that we can't all
find another place together.

Oh, I wasn't worried about you.

I was worried about the tax
consequences of all this extra income.

I'm kidding. Oh, I love you.
You're my family.

Listen, we're sticking together
no matter what happens.

I don't know. It might be
hard to find a place

as perfect as this was
for the four of us.

Oh, hell, if we did it once,
we can do it again.

All we need is a little luck.

It was luck that brought us
together the first time.

I will never forget when I
first put up that notice

at the supermarket.
Remember?

Are you OK?
Oh, I'm fine.

Oh, I know exactly
what you're going through.

I can read it in your face.
You can?

Oh, sure. Your husband
or your boyfriend dumped you.

Honey, don't let it
get you down.

It's just the nature
of the beast.

They'd do it in the mud
if they had to.

You just go sleep
with his best friend.

That'll even up the score.

Am I on Candid Camera?

You mean,
you didn't get dumped?

Well, actually, I did.
By my landlord.

He threw me
out of my apartment,

but I couldn't sleep
with his best friend.

He's over 80 years old

and thinks
he's the Archduke Ferdinand.

Why did he throw you out?

Well, the new owners of the
building don't allow cats

and I'm not about
to part with Mr. Peepers.

Oh, I guess you two have been
through a lot together, huh?

Yes. I found him last week.

But I wouldn't feel right
having a home if he didn't.

We've become very attached.

You know what I think?
That shows great strength of character.

I like you and I like cats.
I also happen to have a room for rent,

and the name is
Blanche Devereaux.

Why would you name a room
Blanche Devereaux?

Oh, it's been
such a lovely day.

Mr. Sunshine really gave us one of
his biggest and brightest smiles.

Oh, I feel like putting
my arms around Mother Nature

and giving her a big kiss.
Hi, you must be Dorothy.

And you must be Mrs. Rogers.

I didn't catch your name.

I'm Rose Nylund,
your new roomie.

Blanche has told me
all about you.

Sorry your husband dumped you.

You can borrow my bubble bath
any time you want.

That'll help ease
the lonely nights.

Thank you very much.

I see you two are
getting acquainted.

Yes, I'm just gonna take
my stuff to my room.

It's the second on the left
down the hall there?

Dorothy, the second
on the left is mine.

Blanche had promised it to me.

Blanche promised it to me too.
Didn't you?

Whoops.

Oh, great. Great.

What are we supposed to do now?

Back in Minnesota, we'd
settle this kind of a dispute

with some good-natured
logrolling.

Sorry, Rose.
My log is in the shop.

What do we do now?
Toss a coin?

OK.
All right.

I'll take tails.
OK.

Tails. You win.

I'll make it up to you,
Dorothy, I promise.

Listen, if there's ever a night
where you can't sleep,

I'll come to your room
and sing "Kum Ba Ya."

Rose, I don't know what to say.

Yes, I do.

Don't ever do that.

It just doesn't seem possible
that five years has gone by

since we moved in together.

It's gonna be rough if we
have to go our separate ways.

We've all learned to depend
on each other so much.

Especially Rose.
What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, honey, it just means
that sometimes you tend

to be a bit naive,
simple, childlike.

She's calling you a moron.
You don't want to live with a woman like that.

Tell her to sell the house. Ma.

Oh, yeah?
Well, it just so happens

that there are a lot of things
I can do better than you guys.

Name one.
Can you tighten a horn on a helmet?

Smoke a herring in a pine log?

Check a bull for a hernia?

I guess the really rough part
is getting him

to turn his head and cough.

Come on, Rose.
Pick a category we can compete in.

All right. What about
that dance marathon?

Whose butt got whopped
that night?

How did you know that Wally...

Oh, you mean
at the actual dance marathon?

That's right.

Seems to me I showed you two
guys a thing or two that night.

(♪ jazz)

Ladies and gentlemen,
our charity dance marathon

is now entering
its seventh hour.

Let's give our contestants
a great big hand.

(applause)

Hi, girls.
How are you holding up?

Oh, fine. Just doing fine.
Terrific.

You know, this reminds me of
the big dance back in St. Olaf

to kick off Pretzel Week.

My Uncle Gunther, after the great
Beer Nut shortage of '29...

Foul! Foul!
Send the judge over here.

This woman is trying
to put us to sleep.

You're just exhausted and you're
trying to blame it on me.

Exhausted?
I'll show you who's exhausted.

Maestro, how about something
with a little octane?

OK, little lady.
All right, boys, take it away.

A one, two, a one,
two, three, four.

(♪ "In The Mood")

Out of my way, amateurs.

Blanche, do you mind if I give it a try?
(music stops)

Oh, for heaven's sake, go on.

No, Dave, I better do this
by myself.

You might get hurt.

Three, four.

(♪ "Sing, Sing, Sing")

Girls, I'm really worried.

Usually, by the time
I've finished a cheesecake,

I can solve any problem
I'm trying to beat,

This time I'm coming up empty.

Then why is the top button
on your skirt open?

I'm talking about
selling the house.

I just don't know if it's
the right thing to do.

Well, honey, you don't have
to decide tonight.

You should take
all the time you need.

The point is,

if you turn a nice buck
on this place today,

you can buy a bigger
and better place tomorrow.

But I'm not sure I want to go
right out and buy a new house.

Maybe I want to take some time
to travel first.

I have relatives scattered
all over this country

I don't get to see very much.

If it's relatives you want, you
should stay right here in Miami.

Howard Johnson's does
less business

than this house has
over the years.

That is true.

We've all had our share
of family showing up.

I think things are
going very nicely.

Save it, Ma. I am going to
tell Uncle Angelo the truth.

It's only for a couple of hours more.
Ma, I can't do it.

I mean,
pretending we're married,

acting as though nothing
happened, it's making me crazy.

It's time to take
my heart medicine.

You need a glass of water
to take your pill?

Not pills.
I'll take a shot of Scotch,

12 years old, if you got it.

Uncle Angelo,
I have a confession to make.

Good. I get my Scotch,
we go in the closet.

No, it's about Stan and me.

You know something, Dorothy?

On your wedding day,
Sophia told me

she said your marriage
was never gonna last.

That made me very sad.

And now to see you and Stan
so happy

after all of these years,

it does an old man's heart good.

And so does that.

Uncle Angelo...

I'm so glad I disobeyed
the doctor's orders

and risked this long trip to see
the both of you so much in love.

Now, what were you saying?

Uncle Angelo,
I wanted to say...

Well, don't just stand there,
Papa Bear.

Come give Mama Bear
a big bear hug.

Can I get you another slice of
cake, Uncle Angelo? No, thank you.

I'll take a slice... darling.
No problem, sweetheart.

Hurry back, dumpling.

My feet have wings, barf bag.

Dorothy, please hang in there
a little while longer,

and Angelo will be on a plane
headed for Brooklyn.

Wish I'd taken my raincoat.

Why are you two dressed
like that?

Well, these are our costumes
for the play, Dorothy.

We were in the middle of dress rehearsal
when they told us all to go home right away.

There's a hurricane
heading for Miami.

You know, I think I will take
a slice of cake... Hello.

Uh, Uncle Angelo,
I'd like you to meet...

um... uh...

I'm Sister Rose.
Piacere. Nice to meet you.

I'm Sister Blanche.
Nice to meet you, Sister Blanche.

We're here, uh, collecting...

lingerie...

for needy sexy people.

I just heard on TV
the airports are closed.

There's a big hurricane headed this way.
They want everyone to stay just where they are.

That means that we could be
trapped together for days!

Oh, Jesus!

Please protect us and watch over
us in this, our hour of need.

Amen.

Ah, Lucy. Hi.
Aunt Blanche.

Get in here.
I want you to meet my friends.

This is Sophia
and Dorothy and Rose.

Nice to meet you, Lucy.
Let me get a look at you, girl.

Mmm, terrific little figure,
gorgeous hair, perfect skin.

Just like looking in a mirror.

Get some Windex.

How was your trip?
Oh, it was wonderful.

I met a gorgeous,
single doctor on the plane.

At 30,000 feet,
she picks up a doctor.

Now I see the family
resemblance.

In fact, I'm supposed to meet him
in a half-hour, if that's OK.

But, darling, you just got here.
Aunt Blanche, you always said:

"If you've a stallion
eating oats outta your hand,

best close the gate
before you give him the sugar."

You said that, Blanche?

I won't go
if you don't want me to,

but I do want to go, so can I?

Would your mother let you go?
No.

Then go.
Thank you.

You're the best.
I'll see y'all later.

Oh, isn't she something?
I'm really proud of her.

Now, if I could just manage to
rope myself a doctor that easily.

Honey, I don't think there's
enough sugar left in the bowl.

Angela, that was the best meal
I've ever had in my life.

Well, how good could it have been?
You left half of it.

I ate every bite.

Well, there's some sauce left.
If you really liked it,

you'd take a hunk of that bread
and sop it all up.

You can afford it.
Oh, no, I can't.

I've put on a few pounds.
You just haven't noticed.

What am I? Blind?

I can see that.
I meant the bread.

You can afford the bread.
It's only 89 cents a loaf.

Angela, why don't you sit down?
I'll serve dessert.

Gosh, you two made
such a fantastic meal,

I can't imagine what you
came up with for dessert.

I made dessert.
Damn!

What'd you say, Blanche?
Yum. I said yum.

Rose, is this another one of those
Scandinavian Viking concoctions?

Yes.

It's called
genurkenflurken cake.

It's an ancient recipe,
but I Americanized it.

So one might say you brought
geflurkenurken into the '80s?

Yes, but I'm not one
to blow my own vertubenflugen.

I can't even reach mine.

So, Sophia, have you all had a
chance to catch up on old times?

Yeah, Angela filled me in on how all my
friends and family back home are doing.

How is everybody, Angela?
Dead.

Angela and I are the only two
left of the original family.

That's terrible, Angela.
Does that mean you're all alone back in Sicily?

Oh, no. I have a goat.

It's really a shame you and Ma
don't live closer to each other.

Dorothy is right.
How many years do we have left?

20, 30? We should live
in the same town.

You wanna come back to that
little village in Sicily?

Please, do I look like a woman
who beats her laundry on a rock?

I meant you should move
here to Miami.

Oh, that's a great idea.
Angela, you would love Miami.

Aunt Angela, what do you say?
Oh, I don't know.

I'm too old to pick up
and move to a strange country.

What are you talking about?
Before your husband died,

you lived here for 30 years.
I don't know.

Oh, come on, honey.
Now, just think about it.

Who would you rather live with?
Your sister or a goat?

Give me a minute.

Cousin Rose?
Cousin Sven!

Oh!

Oh, let me look at you!
Boy, have you grown!

We've never met.

But admit it, you have grown.

Uh, Rose, could you
introduce Blanche and me?

Of course.
Dorothy, this is Blanche.

Blanche, this is Dorothy.

We have jokes like that
around here all the time.

It's like living in a house
full of Howie Mandels.

Sven, I'm Dorothy.
Hello.

And I'm Blanche. Welcome.
Thank you.

Rose tells us
you're getting married.

Yes, and I hope I'm good at it.

I don't have that much
experience with women.

A big, strong,
handsome thing like you?

Get out of here.

Well, it was nice
meeting all of you.

No! That was an expression,
Sven.

You know, I never thought
I'd say this,

but I think Rose got the brains
in that family.

Listen, let's make a pact.
If we decide to keep this house,

we're gonna limit the number of
relatives that get to come to visit.

(knock at door)

I wonder who that could be.
I'm sure it's no one.

Hi, it's me, Stan.
See? What did I tell you?

Stanley, what do you want?
I need to borrow a car.

No.

Doesn't anybody want to know
why I need to borrow a car?

(all) No.
Fine, fine.

I know when I'm not wanted.
Is anybody eating that?

All right, Stanley.
Why do you want to borrow the car?

Ah! I am involved
in a new business venture.

Stan's Pizzas.

The gimmick is I can deliver a pizza
faster to your house than Domino's.

There's only one problem.
What?

It's impossible.
I cracked up my car trying.

So the reason you want to use our
car is so you can deliver pizzas?

No. Actually, what I would really like
for you girls to do is be my drivers.

I belong in the front office -
supervising, franchising,

teasing the high-school girls
that work for me.

I sense I may have
just lost you.

Ah, what the hell.
I'm out of the pizza business.

Is there anything else to eat?

Stanley, why do you always end
up here when you have a problem?

You're my best friends.
But we don't like you.

I know, but you're still
my best friends.

Well, you can't depend on
coming around here forever.

Blanche is thinking
about selling the house.

Selling our house?

You can't be serious.
We've had great times here.

We have had great times here.
You've just had free food.

That is not true.

We've had a million laughs
under this roof.

Do you... Do you remember
the time I came over?

Dorothy, I know it's been a while,
but try to control yourself.

I need some rest.

What the hell is that for?
You're not getting into this bed, Stanley.

Then where am I supposed to sleep?
On the floor, like any dog.

Fine. Just fine.

Stan Zbornak doesn't have
to beg a woman to get into bed.

Women come to me.

Yeah, right after they get the
approval number on your MasterCard.

Good night.
Oh, shut up.

(Stanley laughs)

Stanley, if you're doing
what I think you're doing,

you're in big trouble.

I was just remembering

the first time
you ever kicked me out of bed

and I had to sleep on the floor.

Emile Zundt's Hidden Honeymoon
Hideaway in the Poconos.

"Where every cottage
is April in Paris."

And every bathroom,
Calcutta in July.

(Stanley chuckles)

Do you remember how I convinced
you to let me back into bed?

No.

♪ I've got a crush on you

♪ Sweetie pie

♪ All the day and nighttime

♪ Hear me sigh

Oh, Stanley Zbornak, I don't believe
that you're trying to charm me.

Is it working?
I don't think so.

Then you leave me no choice.
I'll have to pull out the big gun.

You're wasting your time,
Stanley.

I'm familiar with the big gun.

Here goes.

♪ Embrace me

♪ My sweet, embraceable you

♪ Embrace me

♪ You irreplaceable you

Dorothy! Dorothy, I just had
a terrible nightmare.

Ma, what was it?

This.

Break it up.

Stanley, think of me
as the Berlin Wall.

Try to climb over me,

and you'll know what barbed wire
between your legs feels like.

Gotcha.

Dorothy, how did this start?
Cole Porter?

Gershwin.

Thank God I came in time.

We've certainly had some good
times, haven't we, girls?

Yes, we have,
and we'd like to have more,

so would you please leave,
Stanley?

Girls, I've made a decision.

What is it, Blanche?
(phone rings)

There are just too many precious
memories in this house.

I'm not about to trade them in
for a few lousy dollars.

It's Yakamora.
He's doubled his offer.

Tell him we'll be out
by the first of the month.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪

Couldn't sleep either, Dorothy?
No, Rose.

Are you upset because Blanche is gonna
sell the house and we can't live together?

No, I'm upset because Joe Piscopo didn't
get the lead role in Rain Man.

Oh, of course I'm upset
about the house.

Ma, it's 2am.
Where have you been?

I stuffed pillows
under the sheets

so I could fool you
during bed check.

What is this, Stalag 17?

I went for a walk. I couldn't sleep.
I had a nightmare.

Tell me about it, Sophia.
Sometimes I can interpret dreams.

Blanche sold the house and I
wound up back at Shady Pines.

Hmm.

This is a tough one.

Dorothy, please don't send me back.
Ma, I am not sending you

back to Shady Pines.

Oh, my God!
She found a cheaper home.

Blanche, please, please
don't sell the house.

What the hell is that
holding up your stockings?

Get out of there.
Girls, listen.

I know I told Mr. Yakamora
that I'd sell him the house,

but I just don't think it's fair to
make that decision by myself now.

Give me some advice.
Just tell me what to do.

Well, it's your house, Blanche.

You have to make
your own decision.

Since when have you all
been so shy?

We always tell each other
what to do.

Honey, are you all right?
I'll be fine.

Is this about Arnie?
No, Blanche.

She's upset because they keep
changing the taste of Coke.

Arnie wants me
to go away with him

on a cruise to the Bahamas.

Oh.

Oh, and you're upset because he
wants you to pay your own way?

I'm upset
because we'll be all alone.

In the middle of the ocean.
On a ship.

In a stateroom.
With a bed.

Oh.

I don't know what to do.

I haven't...

been with a man

in that special way
since Charlie died.

Get out of here!

It's true. Charlie was the
only lover I ever had.

And my first time
was on our wedding night.

Get out of here!

Oh, back off, Blanche.

Not all of us are classified by
the Navy as a friendly port.

Maybe it sounds strange
but, without Charlie,

I thought that part
of my life was over.

I never gave it
a second thought.

Until now?

Then I think you should go
on the cruise.

Honey, if the situation
is right, you'll know it.

But I'm not sure I'm ready.

Oh, honey, I know what
you're going through.

The bottom line is,
if you take a chance in life,

sometimes good things happen,
sometimes bad things happen.

But, honey, if you don't take
a chance, nothing happens.

I'm gonna take a chance.

Oh, that's wonderful!
Oh, great, Rose!

Oh, I have to look in my closet.

I don't even know what to wear
for the first night on the ship.

A life jacket
and a great big smile.

Gee, I wonder what Rose
is doing right now.

You mean, you wonder
if she's doing it right now.

No, I just wonder if maybe we didn't
push her into something too fast.

What I can't understand
is how in the world

she managed to wait 15 years.

How long did you wait
after George died?

Till the paramedics came.
Ma!

What about you, Dorothy?
Who was the first after Stan, hm?

Blanche.

Her divorce lawyer.
How did you know?

It's always the divorce lawyer.

Oh, it was a terrible time
for me.

You know, I'd gone on
an eating binge when Stan left

and I put on
quite a bit of weight.

Plus, I was not a 20-year-old.

You know, when you're 20,
no matter what you do,

everything stays
where it's supposed to.

Now when you lean over,

it looks like somebody's
let the air out of your face.

What?

Honey, lean over a mirror some
time and take a look at yourself.

Where's a mirror?
There's one in the tool drawer.

I think you'd better take a
sedative before you look.

Don't be silly.
I look at my face all the time.

How different could it be
leaning over?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Dorothy,

why didn't you tell me
about this before?

Only on your back, Blanche.

That way everything slides back

and you look like
you just had a face lift.

Oh, you're right.
I'm gorgeous.

I'm gonna have to meet men
lying down.

I thought you did.

Of course, that way, not only
does your face fall back

but your chest does too.

Unfortunately, it falls back
and off to the side.

Well, it's too late to do anything until morning.
We might as well get some sleep.

I can't sleep.
I'm wound up tighter

than the girdle
on a Baptist minister's wife

at an all-you-can-eat
pancake breakfast.

Wow, that's tight.

Back in St. Olaf,
when I couldn't sleep,

I'd get into my pajamas and
have a nice glass of warm milk

and slip under the covers

and count cows
jumping over my bed.

It'd usually work like a charm,

except every once in a while
there'd be a cow

with a particularly low udder

and it would brush across
my forehead and wake me up.

I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I'm just torn and confused.

Guess I'll have to think
about it all tomorrow.

After all,
tomorrow is another day.

Calm down, Scarlett.
There's no need to be so dramatic.

Please. She can't help it.
Everyone around here acts like a ham.

There's been more bad acting,

bad dancing and bad singing
under this roof

than a Suzanne Somers Special.

(♪ jaunty piano music)

Rose!

Blanche!

Dorothy!

Go, Dorothy, go!

Gosh, I didn't realize
how long Dorothy's solo is.

I sure hope the doctor says
she's gonna be all right.

I won't dance. Don't ask me.

Pay attention.
You're in for a treat.

Oh, Ma, not another act!

No, Dorothy, not just
another act - the act.

I've taken a classic
and reworked it Sophia style.

(♪ "Thanks for the Memories")

♪ Thanks for the medicare

♪ For Blue Cross
and Blue Shield

♪ For a hip that finally healed

♪ Remember on prescriptions

♪ Generic is a steal

♪ We thank you so much

OK, what do you think?
Now, don't hold back.

I can take the criticism.

Depressing.

Awful.

Stinky.

Go to hell, all of you!

I will not have that
filthy beast in my house.

It belongs in a barnyard.

This is not a farm chicken.

Count Bessie is a show-biz chicken.
Wait till you see this.

A show-biz chicken.
What does she do? Play the piano?

She plays the piano.

You just wait
till you see this.

OK, honey, come on.
It's showtime.

Yeah, come on, sweetheart.
Oh, I know.

I know. Here we go.

OK, Count, hit it!

(♪ "Old MacDonald Had a Farm")

Isn't she incredible?

What do you say, girls?
Can she stay?

I guess so. All right.
Oh, thank you.

Just be sure to keep
her in her cage. Oh.

Maybe I can convince the count

to give us some live
entertainment with dessert.

Have you any requests?

How about "Bye Bye Birdie"?

Girls!
Girls, Count Bessie is missing.

I went out to the garage to feed
her and her cage was empty.

Where could she be?

Aunt Angela...

Where did you get this chicken?

(Aunt Angela) The garage.

I guess this means no live
entertainment with dessert.

(Blanche) Oh, hello, there.
How'd you do? We came in second.

Oh, that's terrific.
What'd you get?

Treated badly.

They told us to get
out of the way

when they took the winner's
picture with Anita Bryant.

Oh, what do those old judges know?
I'd love to hear your song.

Oh, forget it, Blanche.
Please.

Oh, no. The whole experience
was too painful. Please.

We want to put it out of our minds.
Please.

Hit it, Rose.

♪ I have to say what I feel

♪ Miami has so much appeal

♪ A great place
to get a seafood meal

♪ Miami

♪ Miami, Miami

♪ You've got style

♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile

♪ When you live in this town

♪ Each day is sublime

♪ The coldest of winters

♪ Are warm and divine

♪ Miami, Miami

♪ You've got style

♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile

Hit it! ♪ There's ball
clubs and nightclubs

♪ All within reach

♪ Dance the samba till morning

♪ Then lie on the beach

♪ Each view is a postcard

♪ Each day a great time
Going home!

♪ The cream of the crop,
it's the top of the line

♪ Miami, Miami

♪ You've got style

♪ Blue skies, sunshine,
white sand by the mile

♪ Miami

♪ You've got style ♪

Look, you're all confused and
upset about this house business.

There's only one thing you can do.
What is that, Sophia?

Take the advice
of a wise old Sicilian.

You, Sophia?
No. Charlie Callas.

Many years ago, my father
had a similar problem

when he was selling
real estate.

I didn't know that Grandpa
ever owned any real estate.

He didn't.
That was the problem.

You see, it turned out he
really didn't own the Vatican.

Although he did have
a very close friend

who swore he was there

the night Pop won the deed
in a card game

from Pope Ronnie
the Magnificent.

Sophia, you're not making
any sense.

Excuse me, Mrs. Kierkegaard,
it's 4am.

Ma, is there a point to this?

And if there wasn't,
what are you gonna do?

Put decorative bars on my window?
Yes, there is a point.

If you're gonna sell real
estate, make sure you own it.

Sophia, I do own this house.
Oh.

Is anybody else hungry?

Now that you mention it,
I could really go for a pizza.

I've been thinking
about Chinese.

I could go for a burger
and fries.

Why don't we order it all?
Oh, Sophia, that'd be crazy.

So, this would be the first time
we did something

a little out of the ordinary
around here?

Ma, thank God you're here.

Arrested for prostitution.
I can't believe it.

Sophia, we're innocent.
I know that.

I can't believe
these dumb cops would think

anyone would pay money
to sleep with you.

Sophia, did you come
to bail us out?

No, Rose, she's dropping off
a manicotti with a file in it.

Well, girls, we're gonna get to see Mr.
Burt Reynolds after all.

I thought these beautiful tickets
were all gonna go to waste.

So which one of you
isn't going?

Well, I'm the one
who won the tickets.

Yeah, well, my mom's
the one who's bailing us out.

I lost Butter Queen.
Haven't I suffered enough?

We'll draw straws.
No.

We'll flip a coin.
No!

Sophia, we had this all settled.
Now, try and be understanding.

Understanding?
I came down here to bail you out

and you're still not
letting me go?

Ma, will you stop complaining
and get us out of here?

Where are your roommates,
Mrs. Petrillo?

They're not here.
Ma!

Don't "Ma" me,
you cheap floozie.

Ma, Ma, you would do this
to your own flesh and blood?

You'll get over it, Dorothy.
And if you don't, who cares?

I'm on my way
to see Burt Reynolds.

And then -
you're gonna love this -

Dom DeLuise takes me by the arm and
insists I tell Burt the story.

Sophia, I don't want
to hear any more about it.

Not even the part
when Burt and Dom

insisted I repeat the story
to Loni Anderson?

That's it. I don't want
to hear another word.

Oh, Cinderella's
back from the ball

and her three wicked roommates
are jealous.

We are not jealous, Ma.
We are angry.

You left us sitting in jail.

Hey, I sent over the bail money.
You were out an hour later.

I think that was
just about the time

I was nibbling a giant shrimp
out of Jerry Reed's hand.

You're making this whole thing
up just to rub it in.

You have never met
these people.

Jealousy is a very ugly thing,
Dorothy.

And so are you
in anything backless.

(doorbell)

Hello.

Is Sophia around?
Oh, hi, Burt.

How about a little lunch?
Listen, if you're buying, how about a big lunch?

Great.

My God,
you're Mr. Burt Reynolds.

I hope so, otherwise
I got the wrong underwear on.

These the roommates you
told me about? Yeah.

Which one's the slut?
(all) I am.

Rose, it is not here!
Look again. It has to be.

Rose, I have read every want ad in the paper.
Mine is not here.

Are you sure you dropped it off
at the newspaper office?

Dorothy, you told me exactly what
you wanted me to do a dozen times.

Any idiot could have done it.

I know, honey, but you were
the only one going downtown.

Are you sure that you dropped
it off at the newspaper office?

Yes! Six people already called
while you were out.

Give that to me.
I'll try and find it for you.

(doorbell)

Dorothy?
Have we met?

Not yet. I'm here because
of your ad in the paper:

"Willing to do anything, $8 an
hour, no job too big or small."

Yes, yes, of course.
Please come in.

I'm sorry. I didn't expect
people to actually come here.

I just figured, you know,
that I would be going to them.

That's the way
it'll work in the future,

when my video camera
gets back from the shop.

So tell me, what type of work
is it that you need done, Mr...

Toto.
Mr. Toto.

Oh, no "Mr." Just "Toto."

You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto.

At least for the next $8.

Dorothy, you owe me an apology.
Your ad's right here.

Oh, Rose, this is
the personals column.

So what?
So what?

You put an ad
in the personals column

that said I will do anything
for $8 an hour?

Oh, look, it's right under
an ad that reads:

"History professor seeking
nonsmoking Oriental woman

who is into Wesson oil

and bears a resemblance
to Florence Henderson."

Is that signed "Doug"?
Yes.

I know him. He's a sick man.

I'm terribly sorry
for this mix-up. Goodbye.

Oh, my God,
I don't believe this!

I'm gonna call the cops if you don't get
out of here right away, you pervert!

Hi, Father Rossi.

Here's the canned goods
for the needy.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm...
I'm terribly sorry.

I promise
that I will say Hail Marys

until Madonna has a hit movie.

Hi. Here's my $8.
Let's get started, Dorothy.

Oh, I'm not Dorothy.
She is.

I'll give you $4.
Let's get started.

How would you like your rear end
kicked across the street?

Oh, great.
Here's the other $4.

Girls.

Girls, there is a busload
of Greek sailors out front.

They wanna know how many
drachma there are in $8.

Girls, guess what I found.

Fernando!
That's not Fernando.

What do you mean, that's not Fernando?
How could you tell?

All you have to do
is look in his eyes.

Or at the price tag
stuck to his back.

Oops!
Thanks for trying, Blanche.

It's nice to know I have a friend like you...
who cares.

Dorothy, I have
a confession to make.

Rose didn't lose Fernando.

I gave him to Daisy when she was
helping out with the rummage sale.

Well, then there's
no problem, honey.

Just call Daisy
and get Fernando back.

She's a very sweet kid.
She'll understand.

I tried that. She said no.

What do you mean?
She's not a sweet kid anymore.

She's holding Fernando
for ransom.

Come on!

Dorothy, she sent me
one of his ears.

You!
Good morning.

Well, kid, what do you want?
I changed my mind.

I was wrong to ask
for all those gifts.

Dorothy, you see?
I knew she'd come to her senses.

I decided cash is better.

That way I can buy
exactly what I want.

I'll get my purse.

No. Blanche, I'm not gonna
let you do that.

I've been doing
a lot of thinking.

If, after all the years
of love and companionship,

Fernando and I are meant to part company,
I'll just have to accept that.

Time to time, life deals you
an unfriendly hand.

There's nothing
you can do about it.

I guess there's a lesson
to be learned here.

Sometimes life
just isn't fair, kiddo.

I cannot talk
about this anymore.

I'm just gonna call Yakamora
and give him my decision.

Go ahead. Make your call.
We'll give you some privacy.

We'll go in the other room.
Come on, Ma. Let's go.

What do you think
she's gonna do?

I think she's gonna sell.
It's just too much money.

Oh, no. Blanche is too sentimental.
I think she's gonna stay.

What do you think, Ma? Ma!
Quiet.

Oh, this is just the operator.
Your phone is working fine.

Ma, what did you hear?
You're never gonna believe what happened.

You are never gonna believe
what happened.

Yakamora decided not
to buy the house.

What happened?

Well, he went on a shopping spree
and he spent all his money.

He bought a department store
in Fort Lauderdale

and a condominium in Orlando,
a baseball team in Tampa,

and I think
one of the Landers sisters.

But what were you gonna tell him?
What if he hadn't backed out?

What difference does
that make now?

The important thing is
we're staying together.

You were gonna sell, weren't you?
Damn straight.

But I was not gonna
let it break us up.

We are staying together.
I don't care what happens.

We are family.
We are a team.

Come on, everybody, group hug.