Original subtitles

I started getting ready for the next comedy special

like the second they yelled cut from the last one.

And I don't say that I'm ready to do a special

unless I know I can deliver it in x amount of months.

I don't want to waste anyone's time.

I am shooting to kill.

For me, I'm not speaking for anyone else,

what goes into a Netflix special is

months of being on the road.

Thank you. Yes!

I was doing clubs to get ready for this,

and we planned the dates out

and ramped them up as we get closer to the special.

Two shows a night.

Five shows in a weekend polishing it.

So you are touring hardcore,

and you're just running it over and over and over and over.

What goes into making a Netflix special

is a lot of repetition.

I'm sorry.

Every week you pack your bag,

fly somewhere...

unpack...

do your makeup, do the show.

This doesn't make this wanna make more of that.

No to your lineage!

Do the show. Meet the fans.

Come back, collapse on your bed.

Women are not used to dealing with rejection when it comes to sex.

We're used to dealing with rejection when it comes to the idea of,

I don't know, governing our own bodies, having our own thoughts,

getting paid the same for the same job a man does.

They see the Netflix special

and they don't realize that like

everything in your career led up

to that moment, to nailing that joke,

to having that timing, that point of view.

And it's all a build up.

And then after you record the special,

you erase it all and you start,

you keep doing it over and over and over again.

You begin slowly erasing that last special.

So I liking it to

you have the old special,

so it's like scaffolding.

And slowly you start taking out bricks and mortar from the last one,

and the big set pieces are still there

holding the set together.

And then as the year goes on,

you start to take out the big pieces of scaffolding

and you replace them with new pieces.

And then you start to put in the new crown molding,

the new bricks, the new facade.

So it's almost like one structure supports the other

until the new one totally takes over.

And then you have a new house.

Comedy is a solo sport.

And I think what I love about stand-up is that nobody tells me

what jokes I can and can't do.

You really do live and die

by your own merit up on that stage.

It's either funny or it's not.

And if it's not funny, that's your fault.

It's very brutal and beautiful

and pure in that way.

This is such a thing you'd have to post in a comedy club.

Please don't lean on the backdrop

because there's nothing to support it,

behind what looks pretty,

which is such a metaphor for show business,

and don't poke the ceiling tiles, probably 'cause they're old.

So like only comics have to be told like, "Hey,

keep your hands to yourself or as in most men.

But, just you would only see that.

You would never see that like in like

Hewlett-Packard headquarters like,

"Please don't kick the backs of the chairs

and don't punch the walls.

All right, you guys, are you ready?

You've seen all her Netflix specials, her book

her book "Girl Logic" is out right now.

Come on, you guys. Make it louder, let it rise.

Let it rise up. Make it louder!

Everybody has a different process,

and you can only figure out your process

through trial and error, repetition.

I'd write down a thought,

and then I'd get up and I just talk about it.

I only do my writing on stage.

So for me getting up every night doing a couple shows a night,

that's where I do my writing.

That's where you get your batting practice in.

And then it gets imprinted in and the next time I get up

which is usually the next night,

I expound on that and I kind of go through these things

and I just talk them out.

That's why smaller shows are important to do that work.

This is what we do for you gentlemen by the way,

we wear push-up bras.

There's not a woman in this room that wears a push-up bra

when she's like alone or sick and like home.

No woman's walking around just like,

"I like have my tits within licking range."

I like it when the blood pools here.

It's a compliment when people say you look polished.

You know, it's show business. You're putting on a show.

I very much believe in the showmanship.

We scan you like predator.

We go through every molecule of your DNA like,

"Scanning for physical abnormalities.

Is he balding?

Okay. But is it in a weird way?

Is he wearing embroidered jeans?

If so,

is he a European male or just someone from Arizona?"

Like we're going through a list.

We go through a list.

You're paying with your time and your money to hear,

in some cases a woman much younger than you,

tell you how it is.

So at the very least,

I should have my thoughts well-formed.

Gentlemen, if you don't believe me that a dragon exists

under the exterior of every woman in this room,

the next time you leave a woman's place in the morning,

look directly in her eye,

I promise you will see like a nictitating membrane.

Okay?

She's like, "Okay, have a great, have a great day.

Bye. Bye."

Slam. Click.

You're just flying around your own studio apartment...

but you need the cardio.

I believe that people laugh at things for two reasons.

They either laugh because of a genuine understanding like,

"Oh my God. I do that.

Oh my God. She's saying what I'm thinking.

Oh my God. I felt that. I've done.

I've thought that."

Or, "Oh my gosh, that's so insane.

I have no frame of reference for that." That's hilarious.

The peacock...

it sounds

like a tired prostitute.

Like the peacock's just standing there on the corner like,

"You wanna fuck or what?

I have a room."

I thought I did well. I was happy with it.

I wasn't in love with the crowd.

Um, there's like patches that were very quiet.

I think the microphone was shitty at the beginning.

Um...

I couldn't hear myself in the monitor

which makes me yell more.

But that's what I get for not doing a sound check.

Ever.

Honestly the documentary should be the a,

the hard a storyline is just b-role of Blanche.

She's like this beautiful thing,

but she will not hesitate to eat vomit right off the street.

This is a scarf a fan made her

and then sometimes, this is so gross,

and I don't care,

I'll lift up a flap,

and I'll get a little hit.

I get a little hit.

Stinky. Stinky, stinky, stinky.

Hey!

Oh!

She's so special.

Blanche is my dog.

She was in the first Netflix special,

and she's become my intrepid stalwart companion

by my side.

I mean, have you ever seen a dog this special?

She's ready to go.

Can I zip you up?

Should I zip you up in that suitcase and take you?

She doesn't understand.

I just take her to the shows and now she comes out,

if we do a theatre, she runs across the stage.

Wow! Look at Alfina!

At the meet and greet people can meet her.

Yes. Yes.

We have this Narrative of like Blanche

when she was at the shelter like before I knew her

and she gets up during dinner and all the other dogs are like,

"Sit down!" And she's like, "You'll see.

I'm gonna be a big star." Everyone's like, "You're no one. You're just a mutt."

And she's like, "You'll see.

I'll be on camera, flying high,

people are gonna know my name."

And they're like, "Go to bed."

And then they one day looked on TV and they saw her and they were like,

"Wow. She really made it."

"You'll see. I'll be sippin' on crab.

That picture perfectly encapsulates slash illustrates

the dynamic that we have.

Me showering her with attention,

her looking off into the distance

wanting to be anywhere but there.

Less people are asking like,

"People say women aren't funny." It's like,

not a lot of people still say that.

And those that do, like nobody's listening to them.

My dad is funny.

My mom is like a very creative, very funny,

like take no crap New Yorker.

I just knew my whole life,

I always knew that I was gonna be funny for a living.

I think my parents always believed in me.

They've never said you can't do that.

That's not funny. You're no good.

That being said, I don't think the road to being a comic

is paved with remembering all the times

people believed in you.

All I'm thinking of like the first time I was rejected.

'Cause I remember it was seventh grade and I wanted to be in the play.

And like the theatre teacher like just like wasn't into me.

Coming from the suburbs of Dallas, Texas,

I didn't have like access to Hollywood.

So I'd piece together a comedic education.

I watched In Living Color.

I found Kids in the Hall,

and of course you're watching Saturday Night Live.

That's your big reference point.

So I was Class Clown. It was me another boy.

We are both voted Class Clown.

I always gravitated towards boys that were funny,

um, 'cause I kind of wanted to always riff with them

and show that I'm funny, too, like,

I liked funny friends but as someone who's funny,

you need an audience.

So I kind of made my way into the L.A. comedy scene.

I became a paid regular

at The Comedy Store and the Improv and the clubs

after a couple years of just doing smaller shows,

really whatever I could get my hands on,

and I didn't have a mentor or a group

that I really came up with

kind of showing me the ropes.

So I just made it up as I went along.

I grimaced when people want to talk about Last Comic Standing.

Iliza Shlesinger.

I wrote about it in my book, and in my mind

I was like, this is the definitive answer

no one will ever ask me again.

It was, no one knows who I am.

I want to take another step, I gotta get on TV.

It really is at certain levels just about the credits.

And, then I won.

Iliza Shlesinger!

Our first,

our first female comic

to ever win Last Comic Standing.

One more time, America...

I'm proud of that accomplishment,

but it was over a decade ago.

It's something that I did that it was cool

and I was like 25 or 26 when I did it,

but it just, it's always a reminder like,

"Hey, you haven't done anything as big since."

And I think the pain for me

comes from knowing deep down

that that's my biggest accomplishment thus far.

So I feel like a loser when I talk about it.

Because I never want anyone to think

that I'm like Al Bundy

like talking about four touchdowns in a single game from high school.

It's just a reminder that I have to keep going to do something bigger

so that people will stop asking me about it.

Touring is exhausting.

For me, 6:00 a.m. flights,

sometimes connecting flights.

Woof.

I hate to say I'm a road dog,

but any comic who travels

is an expert at traveling.

So right now, we're harboring a concealed dog in a bag.

The whole idea is I just get through TSA

with a toothless middle-aged dog.

I fly too much to be harassed.

It's knowing which airports have a pet relief area.

How to pack all your things so you only have one carry-on.

Do not check a bag.

I land. I get to my hotel room, I get my key.

First thing I do is I set up Blanche with her food and water.

I then very much enjoy taking out my makeup

and setting it up somewhat nicely,

but I like to put like my brushes and my makeup in a cup

and I lay it out

to make it as civilized as possible

for that, you know, half hour I take to get ready.

Watch me do this whole documentary

and like every Refinery29 article

is about like my blotting technique.

I will say what's weird is that like you're in here,

having a coffee, getting ready just like every other girl,

but like it's always funny when I'm like,

"Oh, I'm about to go stand up on stage by myself.

Like I'm about to go do the weirdest job ever.

One hour, two hours a night.

Once in a while, I'll do three shows in a night which is a terrible idea.

And you're sick sometimes.

Like nobody cares if you're sick.

They're like, "We spent all this money on a ticket give us a show."

And that's part of the professionalism.

And then you meet your fans.

I love meeting them,

but it is mentally exhausting.

And then when they meet you,

they're paying for a moment of your time,

and you have to be there for them emotionally.

You can't be like, "Ugh, next." They'll hate you.

And I'm so excited to meet them, and so that stamina

is built in all the way until I go backstage and we're done.

It's all a part of the performance.

Oh yeah. And then I finish the show,

and I eat everything in my path.

Can I trouble you for extra cheese?

I'll eat shirtless on my bed. For room service,

I'll find any restaurant that's open late night.

And if you're in my way,

watch out 'cause I'm gonna bite you.

So I wrote "Girl Logic" and I was super proud of it,

but I needed to promote it.

'Cause you want as many people to read it as possible.

So I wove my book tour

into my stand-up tour.

So while getting ready for the Netflix special

I was doing press for "Girl Logic" all during the day

and then stand up at night.

Yeah, I wrote this book.

This is by no means just for women.

Uh, it speaks sort of to the reasons

women have to think the way that we do and why.

You know, I kind of got tired of all women being labeled as crazy.

I was like, "On the contrary,

we have to factor in so many things

into our decision-making because we're judged so harshly.

I do talk about it in the book because everybody thinks, you know,

comedy should be a lot of fun and easy,

but it was a, a mentally...

Winning was great and then going on that tour

was a mentally scarring experience.

So for guys who like to read about war stories...

I have one.

It's fine.

One, never fails, same questions.

Ten years in, I'm still getting these fucking loser questions

about Last Comic Standing.

Hold on. I answered her.

Like if you listen to that interview,

I gave her an answer. I wasn't like, get fucked, Lori.

No. You looked at the camera with a 'get fucked' face.

He'll blur it out.

Okay. We have to leave in the next ten minutes.

- You live here? - Yeah, Sam.

- I'm Sam. - Oh, hi Sam.

- Hi. - Pleasure to meet you.

So this book was initially, you know,

and I've been working on it for about a year-and-a-half

with Weinstein books.

I never met Harvey Weinstein I've, you know...

Be glad. Right for sure, definitely now.

Yeah. Uh, happy for that.

Um, and when the story came out,

I was like, my luck, selfishly,

that happened and so my book

is actually the last book

to have the Weinstein insignia on it.

So I was like, I was talking about this yesterday,

I liken it to like when your grandfather

like brought home some Nazi dinnerware from the war.

Like somewhere in some people's houses

there's like a plate with a swastika on it.

You're like, "Isn't this cool?

Like, they don't make this anymore."

So I've got this print, this run,

of this first edition has the Weinstein W on it.

Side note, she's Jewish.

- It's fine. - It's totally fine

to mention the word swastika.

But Weinstein books as it was, it was two women.

It wasn't a huge conglomerate.

It was a small company within a big one.

So you were working with women doing this book?

I was working with women. And I said,

"Why would I ever allow his deplorable actions

to overshadow this strong, friendly feminist

amazing message that's in the book."

So it's another example of a man doing something horrible

and a woman paying the price, as you said.

So that was big for me.

And I was like, I'm not gonna back down,

especially when I've done nothing wrong.

- Nothing. - And so and now it's at Shed books,

and we won't speak of the dead.

So you do press tours, what any project

when you do as much press tour as you can,

uh, there are aspects of this business

that are miserable and like soul-crushing,

and this is just easy.

So it's fun because of all

the fun things you get to do,

and I love promoting things, but, uh,

it's work, right? It's work.

- I'm Max, by the way. - Hi. Iliza.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Um, so yeah.

So, yeah, so basically, I'm just gonna ask you

about eight questions, it's rapid-fire 60 seconds,

if you don't want to answer a question just say,

- "Pass." - Great, I got it.

- Okay. - Yeah, perfect.

Hey guys, I'm Iliza Shlesinger

and I'm here to promote my new book, "Girl Logic,"

which was born today, I'm very excited about it,

and this is my BUILD "Last Minute."

Great. When was the last time you were in New York City?

The last time I was in New York City was last week

for a charity event, I hosted a charity event for cystic fibrosis.

What was the last thing you searched for online?

The last thing I searched for online was an article

where I was interviewed by a Refinery29

to promote my book "Girl Logic."

And you're interviewing me about "Girl Logic" on this tape

and I'm talking about "Girl Logic" today.

So it's like a promo within a promo.

It's very Menna.

If you don't understand what I'm talking about,

then you need to read "Girl Logic."

Here we go.

Let's go! Let's go!

Uh, I watched Kids in the Hall and The State,

and Saturday Night Live,

and so-- and it was a lot of--

there were the women of the 90s of Saturday Night Live

like Cheri Oteri and Molly Shannon

shaped the way that we spoke.

Cheri Oteri's voice like, "Yeah. Okay. Doin' all right."

And I interviewed her once and she kind of described

all of her characters as like, "Hangin' by a thread."

But that voice was stolen by so many people,

Chris Farley, Will Ferrell,

this sort of like burst of energy and anger,

and I definitely take a page from that in my stand up.

So it was always funny characters and people

and voices versus pure stand up,

and I think that's why my stand up has so much texture,

'cause it was so influenced by sketch comedy.

Yay!

Thank you!

The whole time I was like, I forgot ten minutes and I did.

I was like the whole time I was like, something feels wrong.

And I forgot a whole ten minutes.

This is such business of chance.

So having multiple things going on

is beneficial mentally

because when, if you have five things going on

when four of them fade away,

you still have that one to focus on,

and then you put another one back in the fire.

It's a way to know that you're always doing something.

It would be the worst for me if I did like a Netflix special

and then I was like, "Now what?"

"...You're so funny," you come in right in with that line right at the top.

Or just drag a chair really loud.

How do you want me to read my lines?

I don't care how you read your lines.

Because no one's gonna-- I'm not gonna go to this audition

and they're gonna be like, "But what was your

assistant's motivation when you read with her

in your prison yard?

Just do it like yourself.

Just be like lowkey disgruntled at all times,

and I'll just feed off that energy.

I'm up for the part for two different roles

in this Mark Wahlberg movie, and it's tough.

Because like I read for a lot of things,

uh, this is my maybe like tenth year

auditioning for stuff,

I have read for major TV shows, movies,

and I have never booked anything.

For reasons out of my control they're like, "We went black."

"We gave it to a guy."

"We gave it to a couch cushion with a cheesecake stain on it."

Like it's, "Do I read through this one more time?

Or do I go to my gym appointment at four?

One of those two things is guaranteed to produce

good results within the next hour.

I've read through this for about 45 minutes,

and the addition is tomorrow.

But I think I'm going to go to the gym.

And I can go to the gym

and you can stay here and pretend to work.

Thank you.

This is my assistant Emily. She also goes by Baby Arm.

Do you want to show them why?

Doesn't it look like a giant baby arm?

It's not body shaming, 'cause I asked her

if this was okay.

Squishy. It's so soft.

And she's smart too, so like I actually value her opinion.

Like I feel like I'm getting emotional work done

when I vent to her.

She also has watched every bad movie you've ever heard of.

So sometimes I'll go in for an audition and I'll be like,

"Who is this actress? She'd be like,

"Oh, she was on season two of One Tree Hill.

She's got red hair.

She was in a movie with Tara Reid six months ago.

It went straight to Pay-Per-View.

I've watched it."

So she's great, and I just--

I hope she doesn't-- I give her everything she wants.

I hope she doesn't leave me. I think about that every day.

I'm like, "What if today's the day?"

Like how am I gonna do anything?

...With each pain and we catalog it.

We put each rejection in a mason jar

and we pin it-- it's rustic, Pinterest--

put it into our sack of emotional baggage,

he broke up with me because I slept with his brother.

Well, they're twins. They should wear different colored hats.

That's not my fault.

And we put it into our emotional baggage,

and we throw that baggage over our shoulder.

And what do we do with it?

We walk it into the new relationship.

Yes.

He welcomes you to the new relationship like, "Come on in.

You seem pretty cool and well adjusted."

And you're sitting there like...

"Oh, I am!

Yes. This seems like a safe place for me to--

unpack my shit!

Hahahahaha!"

Comedy is pain.

It's, you know, you're talking about your childhood

or something horrible that happened or heartbreak.

It's digging deep within ourselves

to bear our vulnerability.

And the comedy gods reward your vulnerability with laughs.

The more open and honest you are,

the more people are like,

"Yeah, they're saying what I couldn't say."

- Wow! - Oh my God!

Seeing the outpouring

of emotion

that the specials invoke in people

because I'm saying things that people are thinking.

They feel a connection.

And people will write me,

very personal things,

and they want to share that with you.

Like I gave them the gift of the comedy,

and now they want to give something back.

Uh, basically she's hilarious.

It's pretty much all there is to it.

She's very relatable and she says exactly what we're thinking.

She's a badass feminist

and she's fucking hilarious.

Men are better with rejection

from what I can see.

I mean, we're all human. No one loves being rejected.

Men to get over it,

society demands that they get over it,

move passed it, work through it.

Women...

don't work through anything.

We don't 'get over' anything.

Nay...

we hold on to it.

You're lucky if you're able to have a career that goes long enough

that people want to hear your take on life.

We hold on to it so tight

and we revisit it

and we examine it

from every angle, hypotheticals,

maybe if I was wearing a tank top it would've been different,

We hold on to it.

We bring in experts like, "Stacy, get over here!

What do you think?"

For me, it has evolved from a desire

to make people laugh.

It's become bigger than that.

I now have a responsibility to the people

who have offered me their vulnerability

and their hearts and their acceptance.

This is amazing.

It's a whole book of Frasier scripts.

A whole book of Frasier scripts.

I'm lucky enough to have fans

that express their love for me both verbally

and in gift form, it's become a thing.

It's like our thing now with me and my fans.

Stay. Are you small?

People see that I love mud masks,

and they see-- or that I love Sour Patch Kids.

And they bring so many toys for Blanche and candy.

To matching items for me and Blanche like matching scarves.

These are Blanche earrings.

Hello.

So that's special.

I had one fan write a thing and he was like,

"I was the first one to make you a gift based on your act."

'Cause it wasn't always.

And this was, I think, the first piece of dog art.

It's Blanche as a Turkish princess.

And anybody who sees me take Instagram pictures

in my bathroom has seen this.

Like I'll be posing thinking I look amazing and you're like,

"Is that a watercolor of your dog behind you?"

By the way, any art you see in my house

that involves comedy or my dog...

someone gave it to me. I'm not a maniac.

Okay, this one I made, but that was the first one.

"Fuck Bitches Get Money." That's something I said.

It's also so touching to see how specific the jokes get.

Like I have a joke about leaving your girlfriends

and one girlfriend's like, "Go on without me?"

Or, "Order me a Lemon Drop and toast to my memory."

So some girl got me like a Lemon keychain

that says, "Toast to my memory."

This is made of 100% human hair.

I'm kidding. It's wool.

But that's me and my dog.

This is me and Blanche again.

That's Party Goblin.

I think she's kind of the mother of this universe that I've created.

I have this whole bit that I do online

where I give Blanche her day's wages.

And I'll give her a bite of something,

like one grain of rice or one like shred of chicky

and those are her wages.

And so somebody made Blanche

her day's wages

and it's exactly 365 grains of rice,

so a Year's wages.

And each one means so much to me.

I try to honor that.

I take pictures. I put on my Instagram.

I'm just forever so touched

that anybody cares.

Okay, we're gonna go get the car.

I'm sick.

I'm sick and we have to go get a Z pack.

Because

I have to go to Sacramento

like tomorrow morning

and nobody cares if you're sick.

Nobody cares.

Nobody wants to hear you like coughing and stuff on stage.

And I know this sounds bratty, but like it's sold out.

So like unless you have

like life-threatening pneumonia you can't cancel a gig.

Oh, this sucks.

I don't wanna get on a plane.

Why are people so horrible?

That's was so jarring.

I don't even know this number.

- Hello? - Hey, it's Arielle.

Oh.

How's it going?

I'm good. I'm sick.

I'm sick. So can you do me a favor?

What's the favor?

The favor is, um, don't let me go

and, um,

can you just pretend that you don't have bad news

until after I come back from Sacramento?

Because if I come home Sunday, I'll be like,

"Oh, that's okay that I didn't get the role

and they've asked me to leave Hollywood.

Oh my God. You-- but one--

I don't pretend that anything

because I have amazing news for you.

You got the role.

You booked the movie.

You booked a Mark Wahlberg, Octavia Spencer studio movie.

Oh my God.

- It's amazing. - Oh my God.

Congratulations.

- That... - I gotta run. I gotta run,

- but I just had to tell you. - Okay.

It's great. It's beyond amazing.

- Okay, thank you. - Okay, bye.

Okay, bye.

I got it.

I got that movie.

I got the fucking movie.

Emily!

I got it, Emily!

Oh my god. I've never...

What do you care?

She probably thinks it was 'cause of her motivation.

I can't believe I got that.

I was up at like 4:00 a.m. yesterday to come here

and then,

'cause you gotta get to the airport early so then the flight,

and you land at 4:30 and then there's traffic to get here...

so your body clock is three hours behind.

But then you have to force yourself to go to sleep

to be up at 5:00 a.m.

So it's like all types of jet lag mixed into one so.

And then this is a crazy amount of press.

So I'm just feeling a little subdued.

I'm trying not to have a bad attitude.

It's 800 Degrees in L.A.

Like you're gonna have Christmas in shorts

and this is what's going on in the rest of the world.

All right, we gotta get a break,

but later on The Morning Show stay with us,

Armie Hammer opens up about why he almost says no...

- He's here. - ...to starring in the new film Call Me By Your Name.

- But up next, Iliza Shlesinger on her... - "But."

- ...definition of "Girl Logic"... - "But up next."

...and the challenges still...

You watch Canadian... Sorry, just a little Segway.

Uh, Canadian late night TV,

it's all about like outdoors equipment and they're like,

"When you're hunting a live moose"...

Like it's all like outdoor stuff

all American late-night infomercials are about

suing anyone and anything you've ever seen

and a home catheter delivery.

So at its core you're making people laugh, but also at its core

you're, it's a cathartic process

and you are serving your own ego.

Anybody that stands in front of a group of people

has and ego.

I don't care if you are a pastor.

I don't care if you're a preacher.

I don't care if you're a self-help guru.

There is that kernel of like I need people to look at me

- and hear me.

I also think every comic,

you sort of create your universe.

You create this world, when I look on my tweets

and the things that people write back,

I have lingo that I use and it's an outpouring

of things I say to my dog, or the way I describe things,

and people use it back.

Your art becomes theirs.

So for, Bill for example, they're being mean,

but it's out of love. And for me,

people dress up when they come to my shows as my act.

They come in a blousy cow outfit or a fried shrimp shirt

or a Party Goblin hat,

and they've taken it and made it their own.

It's so funny 'cause you write these jokes

and you'll write a bit that you think, you're like,

this is gonna change comedy.

I am a philosopher, and no one ever references it.

They're like, "I loved your bit about octopi." And you're like,

"Okay. So not the social commentary about the Internet?"

"No, I liked the rabbit joke."

Like it's just... And that becomes a thing.

So it's always interesting to see how people

take your art and make it their own.

I was just in a daze talking to him and I just remember all--

the whole time I was talking, I just kept thinking,

"This isn't funny.

I haven't smiled once.

I'm not being funny. I'm just so tired."

Like his face got this small at one point.

And I was like, "Just try not to close my eyes,

try not to roll your eyes and then close them."

I'm usually pretty good about no sleep and working,

but this is a seven hour day

before my day has started.

We were getting on the elevator

and we were like taking a second and we--

the elevator opened and there was like all these people on

and we stood there for a second 'cause we didn't know if they were

getting off and the guy goes, "Come on in." And I was like,

that's the difference between Canadian's and American's.

In America I'd be like, "Shut the door.

I don't even want them on." He's like, "Come on in."

The water's fine.

We start five and you are our last stop which is great,

'cause I am out of seat.

"Girl Logic" is the thought process

that women apply to everyday decisions.

As a woman you are expected to be

so many things to so many people,

often all at once, and they're often,

uh, contradictory.

So it's, here it's supposed to be

sexy but demure, whatever those things mean.

Smart but not too smart, 'cause then you'll make somebody insecure.

Attractive but not too attractive, you'll make women upset.

A good mother but also a party girl

but outgoing but demanding,

but also stick up for yourself but also don't be too annoying.

Lights.

- All right, thank you so much. - Okay, thank you.

- Happy holidays. - Thank you. Lovely to meet you.

Great crowd. Lori described it as like a wall of laughter.

You couldn't have asked for a better crowd than that.

I sound so Canadian. I couldn't have asked for a better crowd than that.

Before we shot the comedy special, you know, you take all these gigs

to get ready for it and then sometimes you have like a higher calling.

And I would do 'em in a heartbeat.

I don't care what else is going on.

Like it's just so important to do them.

All right, we are here on Andrews Air Force Base

uh, about to go on

the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Christmas Tour

to several countries.

Air Force Two, baby.

And I'm gonna work out

some very specific parts of my act for the troops.

Merry Christmas.

See you on the other side.

Iliza Shlesinger everybody.

Happy to be here.

Guys only want to let you know

is "How'd you meet your girl?"

All right so,

I used to fuck like a bunny.

I could be fucking right now if I wanted to,

but I'm just gonna fuck her, 'cause I'm a fuck man.

That's how I do a fuck--

pack up this dick, onto the next town.

Fire in the hole.

I'm there not to do my actual material.

I am there to make sure I say anything I can

to make these men and women

who are in a very stressful situation

forget that they're in that situation and have fun.

This is not about the art.

It is not about like growing as an artist.

Like you're just there to be like,

"You gotta mustache?

I've seen lesbians grow thicker mustaches."

And they're like, "Oh fuck! That's you, Sanchez."

Some of the guys here with mustaches,

I could grow a better one than some of you. I gotta be honest.

Like I don't know what this one is here right here.

- Oh! - I don't know what that is...

You in the back, you look like you run a family pizza parlor.

You look like you're from Portland and you make like...

You look like you shouldn't be around children,

especially with those sunglasses.

For me it's like, whose mustache can I make fun of?

Can I say fuck enough times to get you?

Who in the audience am I gonna just rag on?

You know, it's like rapid fire.

It's a challenge I really enjoy,

because it's really about making them feel good.

The first USO show I did

years ago and I started talking to this kid

and he showed me this aircraft that he was in charge of flying,

and I even have goosebumps thinking about it right now,

because I remember thinking,

like you're 19 years old

and you are in charge of so much more

than any 19 year old should be entrusted with,

but you have taken on that burden so selflessly

and it just, it always stuck with me,

like that's what sacrifice looks like.

I look like the guy that tortures people

in Princess Bride.

Don't even think about trying to escape.

Yay!

It's 4:00 a.m.,

and we're flying to Charlotte.

Here we are in Charleston

small dog on parade.

squawking

Nashville.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

Thank you.

Going home to Los Angeles.

I got on stage last night

and this woman came up she goes,

"Oh, honey, you look exhausted."

I was like, "Oh, I am."

Okay, I'm cold.

Netflix, you know, they were like, "We want higher production value."

They don't just want someone standing on the stage.

And as an artist I'm like, "Oh cool.

It wasn't enough that I invented a world with my brain."

Um, and so we picked

the aircraft carrier of the USS Hornet in Alameda.

We lit it beautifully,

and it felt like I was having a bat mitzvah

but the theme was war.

Like all this uplighting on the planes.

And then we're gonna donate a big chunk of the proceeds

to Team Rubicon

which is a veterans organization

that, uh, basically helps vets helps us.

So if there is a natural disaster,

they help vets with preparedness and stuff like that

come in and offer some relief to civilians.

The truth is no matter how many times

you run it over and over again,

this is the one that gets captured on tape.

So it could be perfect for every city,

and if the energy isn't right here,

you will feel it when you watch it at home,

but I think it'll be okay.

If it sucks, this documentary

will have a very different front line.

I think it has to be a little bit shorter.

This is Madonna.

This just looks fake.

It's so much hair.

No it's not. It's in your head.

It's so cold up there.

It is freezing, which is also exhausting.

Like it's hard to breathe cold air 'cause it hurts.

Nobody'll know. But you should know.

You watch that special just know

I was freezin' my nips off.

Right before I walked down that gangplank

I was just like shivering in a coat.

Like I put on so much deodorant I was like,

"I don't wanna sweat through this gymnast top, whatever I was wearing,

and the opposite of sweat.

It was like tiny icicles were forming.

You think men judge women harshly, they do, but gentlemen,

every molecule of your DNA we go through it like,

"Scanning for physical abnormalities.

Is his shirt unbuttoned too low for his ethnicity?"

We can't show you the clip

because we don't have the rights to it for this production.

Did you watch the Lady Gaga documentary on Netflix?

- I did not. - Hers is all about

her leading up to the Super Bowl performance

but you don't see the Super Bowl performance,

'cause they don't have that footage.

- Oh, wow. - So this is everything.

This is how you make a Netflix special

up until the Netflix special.

A lot of my family came. A lot of my friends came.

I think 'cause it was really close to San Francisco

and everyone wants to go to San Francisco but, you know,

they all came and you get so few of those moments in life

where everyone's there to just give you love and support.

But I really took a step back,

you know, we're in the middle of taping, we're running around,

like all those people made that trek

just to watch me do something that I love to do.

And that is very special.

Who knew?

- Iliza was always funny. - She was always witty.

She was always witty and sharp and smart.

Yeah, she was always quick, right, sharp, witty.

You know, we're bursting with pride,

but we've been proud of her for years.

This is my dad. This is Ashton.

That's what it's about,

creating something, touring it,

building a culture around it,

selling a show based off of it, engaging with the fans.

This is it.

This is the world that I've created for myself.

This has been a year of hotels

and endless shows and ceaseless dedication.

I really wanted to make something special

and donate the money to a worthy cause.

I am really proud of what I've done here.

I'm very excited to see it.

And it's not really over because next week

we start writing new material.

And this is my job.

Forever.