All language subtitles for Franklin.and.Bash.S01E02

You just arrived
in heaven.

Ooh, standards more lax
than I'd have thought.

Good for me.

Saint Peter tells you

you can either return
to earth as a ghost,

Whoa, whoa. Hold up.

A ghost like Casper,

or Bruce Willis
from "The Sixth Sense"?

What do you mean?

Bruce Willis?

Turns out he was a ghost
all along?

Thanks for
the spoiler alert, dick.

You've never seen
"Sixth Sense"?

No!

You've seen like
every Rob Schneider movie.

Is Rob Schneider
in "The Sixth Sense"?

Working on your base?

Ah, the morning sun
through these windows

provides optimal tanning

while the tint on the glass
refracts U.V. rays.

He has done a lot
of research on this.

Karp wanted to know

if you were working
on any actual cases.

Yes. Tell him
we're in the middle

of an important discovery motion
on People v. Kiss My Ass.

Does the, uh,
ripped body offend?

I've seen you firmer.

Do I look less firm to you?

Well, you are kind of a mess.

Hey, you want to see
a real live murderer up close?

Is this about
"The Sixth Sense" again?

Ms. Kaplowitz?

It is you.
Peter Bash.

I just want to say

that I am blown away
at how one-sided

the media coverage
of your case has been.

- I appreciate that.
- Yeah, and, frankly,

I am disgusted
at the paparazzi's refusal

to allow you to mourn the loss
of your husband.

I mean, following you
on the beach

when you had on
that killer thong. And...

Not "killer" as in, you know,
like, "eeh, eeh, eeh,"

but just primo.

How thoughtful of you to say.

Isabella!

Stanton.

- How are you?
- I've been better.

I know.

It's so good to see you.

Well, shall we begin? Oh, this
is my colleague, Damien Karp.

Good to see you.

And by "colleague,"
he means "nephew."

Ooh!
I like the boxers.

Shall we begin?

You know,
there are 27 senior partners,

including our New York firm.

And in September,
Stanton's little experiment

called "you two"
is gonna get put up to a vote.

You're not gonna make it past
the first ballot.

So, I don't know.
Photocopy your butts.

Steal some pens -- whatever.

Why would he think

we didn't photocopy
our butts already?

"Black widow of Bel Air."

"Horndog heiress."

Ooh, my favorite.

"Murder by vagina."

Stanton, Harry
was my life. You know that.

I would never have done anything
to hurt him,

much less kill him.

Good. But I must say, you know,

for the district attorney
to pursue a murder conviction

based on the theory
of intentional oversexing --

I mean, well,
he must be fairly confident

that his evidence will hold up.

Did you really take a bath
before calling 911?

He was fine before I left.

He was smiling,
and he was falling asleep.

And, um, about 20 minutes later,
uh, I heard a crash.

That's when I rushed in.

He had knocked over a clock.

And he was...

He was struggling to breathe.

That's when I called.

Everybody thinks I'm a killer.

I'm not. I'm a widow who's devastated
by the loss of her husband.

But you knew
he had a heart condition.

Well, he was
a very passionate man.

I wasn't going to deny him
what he wanted.

All right.

I mean,
you say it's what he wanted,

and yet your husband
says otherwise.

"Dying billionaire's
last words --

'She came upstairs to kill me.'"

I can't explain that.

All I can say is, it's not true.

And so we must prove.

Franklin & Bash 1x02
Pilot
Original Air Date on June 8, 2011

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ such a vivid picture ♪

♪ ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ if I must say so myself ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Oh. Hey, look at you.
Big-boy clothes.

We want in.

No way.

He's asking the guy
who actually decides things.

You said you wanted us
on a case.

I'm second chair,
and we're staffed.

Have you any experience of
defending a murder trial?

No.
And we need some, big-time.

Yeah. And who better
to learn from

than the emperor of defense?

No one calls him that.

- I call you that.
- I like it.

You know,
I really don't see a reason

why we can't have a third chair
on a case of this magnitude.

Actually, I can think
of about 100 reasons,

top of which would be...
Winning.

All right. Listen.

One of you comes on.

The other jumps
on a civil matter

that my spiritual adviser
is bringing in.

-Work it out.
- All right.

We could be working together.

I mean, Christmas came early
for you, pal.

Well, we're gonna need
to celebrate early,

'cause you won't be here
in December.

- Oh.
- Oh!

The "fired" thing again.

Don't...

So which of us gets the case?

Carmen and Pindar, choose!

I can't.

It's like having to choose
between my two gay fathers.

You have two gay fathers?

Carmen?

Neither one of you
should do it.

She's guilty!

I read in People that she
friggin' took a bubble bath

before she even called 911.

First of all, that's
a sexy, if not twisted, image.

And second, if you met Isabella,

you'd feel differently
about her.

That's true. Isabella's
like Jessica Rabbit --

she's not bad --
she's just drawn that way.

Jessica Rabbit.
Hottest cartoon character ever?

Prefer Betty Rubble.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Neither of those hold a candle

to Setsuna Meioh.

Guardian of the space-time door
in the "Sailor Moon" manga.

All right.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Let's be adults.
Let's be adults.

Let's talk this through,
all right?

If you want this case more
than me, you should take it.

More than anything ever.

- It's yours.
- God bless you.

All right.
Like I want to do more work.

Great. So you are available
to watch the spelling-bee finals

on ESPN2 with me?

Available? Yes.
Interested? No.

Why?
Is it 'cause Indians always win?

You guys do have
kind of a lock on it.

And, Carmen, if you could
reach out to the client

without revealing
your negativity...

I've got some catching up
to do on her case.

Later. Later.

Thank you.

Isabella.

How are you holding up?

Wallace.
So sweet of you to come.

Which is roughly
what she said.

I'm sorry. Who said what?

Sorry. A joke.

Uh, occupational hazard.

Uh, who's your friend?

He's Harry's lawyer,

and, yes, he's a dear friend.

He's also hilarious.

Oh, he's sweet.

Final offer.

Negligent homicide,

three years.

I have motive,
character witnesses,

a deathbed accusation.

For a woman looking at
life in prison, this is a gift.

That's very kind of you,

but gift rejected.

We're all in.

Good luck.

You too.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the state intends to prove

that the defendant
maliciously killed her husband,

billionaire Harry Kaplowitz --

not with a gun or a knife,
but with her body.

We contend that,
in order to inherit a fortune,

the defendant engaged
in a daily routine

of relentless, predatory
sexual conduct --

oral, vaginal, and...

Otherwise --

until she literally copulated

her ailing husband
to his very death.

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

This, pure and simply,
is a love story --

of physical love, yes,

but a love that consumes
not only the body,

but also the soul.

Isabella Kaplowitz made love
to her husband, Harry,

the night that he died.

Indeed, they made love
every night.

Now, as startling
as that may seem

to the rest of us mere mortals,

to Isabella and Harry,

it was simply a way of life.

Surely, she should
be worshipped,

not demonized.

Thank you.

- Are you sure Infeld's is that good?
- The guy was sick.

It was like watching Pavarotti
play the violin.

Don't bother.

Isabella's case made
betwhatever.Net.

What's that?

It's an off-shore
betting website.

You can bet on anything --

oscars, elections,
death pools...

What's your point?

Well, the odds are 50 to 1

of Isabella getting convicted.

We can deal with those odds.

Yeah,
but they jumped 20 points

after Infeld crushed
his opening.

I don't know --
it's interesting.

I'm just saying,
it's interesting.

Eh, I think you might be
paranoid on this one.

-Maybe a little jealous.
- What?

Me on the big case,
you not so much?

Dickwad,
I bequeathed you that case.

That was a gift.

You only bequeath
when you're dead, Jared.

Pretty elementary
wills and trusts law.

All right, you got a
hunch on this one, check it out.

But just don't do
anything crazy.

I can't. I'm busy
with Infeld's spiritual adviser.

Hey, you two. You're wide open
to do something not crazy.

After Harry's second bypass,

I doubled his dosage,

and I made it very clear to both
him and Isabella --

strenuous activity
would be deadly.

The autopsy revealed

no medication whatsoever
in his system.

The body showed signs
of dehydration,

as well as severe
penile bruising.

We were in the ambulance.

He was in full cardiac arrest.

I was performing CPR,
and that's when he said it.

What did he say?

"She came upstairs
and killed me."

Objection. Hearsay.

The statement
clearly falls

under the dying-declaration
exception of the hearsay rule.

Your honor, the speaker
was having a heart attack.

We have no reason to believe
he knew what he was saying.

He was calm.

He even smiled when he said it.

Then he just closed his eyes
and died.

Overruled.

The jury may consider
the testimony.

Well, don't beat yourself up.

I'll fix this.

So,
you pressed the button,

and then what happened?

Well, I waited
for the light to change...

The light changed.
Then I started to...

walk my bicycle across.

Okay, and what did you
see in the, uh,

"walk/don't walk" box thing?

I saw a walking person.

Can you describe
the person?

Really?

He was orange,

had arms like so.

Stretched like so.
Very round head.

And his -- his legs

were extended,

which suggested to me...
Walking...

Uh, excuse me,
uh, I'm sorry,

but, um...

I have to go.

-My wife's water just broke.
- Wow.

-Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Uh, rain check?

- Yeah, sure.
- Great.

Yeah.

First one?

Yes. Child.
Yeah, it's -- yeah.

It's my, uh, baby girl.

How wonderful.

Good health to the mother...

Mm-hmm.

...And your new child.

Okay.

Um...

So we'll do this again.
I'm sorry for...

But, you know, it's...

I was his lawyer, certainly,

but, first and foremost,
we were compadres.

Best friends.

I'll tell you, if I had a dime
for every punch line

Harry Kaplowitz butchered
on the golf course,

I'd be the billionaire.

Did the defendant
come to visit you

in your office only days
before her husband's death?

She did.

Always great to see her.

Regarding?

She wanted to know how much

of Harry's money
she could access.

No further questions.

Well, tell me,

was it out of the ordinary
for my client

to seek your counsel

regarding her
financial situation?

We'd, uh,
we discussed it occasionally.

Hmm.

Now, you say you were a compadre
of the deceased.

Do you consider Isabella
a compadre?

Certainly.

Of course,
I was closer to Harry --

In your opinion --
as a compadre --

did Isabella Kaplowitz
murder her husband?

Not in my opinion. No way.

Objection!
Utter speculation.

Sustained.
The jury will disregard.

Just to be clear, your honor,

you're asking the jury
to disregard Mr. Clayton,

who knew the couple
as well as anybody,

to disregard his testimony
that my client

loved her husband and would
never intentionally harm him?

Yes, I am, Mr. Bash --

in spite of your best efforts

to keep saying it
again and again.

So, I was able to track
the betting patterns

on Isabella's case --
you were right.

A big bet was made
against Isabella

10 minutes after
Infeld's opening statement.

Which is before it was
broadcast on any news outlet.

I mean, they're taking
security seriously in there.

Jury's sequestered,

and judge issued
gag orders on everybody.

Wait a minute.

Someone in the courtroom
is betting on the case?

Mm-hmm.
So we ran checks.

Guess who has 55 grand
in credit card debt?

Other than Peter.

Hit me.

Judge Hong.

Better yet,
judgy's single biggest debt

is to AAA Entertainment,

a Nevada company that owns
numerous sports books.

I think we found our bettor.

No, no, no. Too dangerous.

Excuse me.

What did they call me
at Indian guide camp?

Runs with danger.

Runs with danger! Right.

Come on, I'm just gonna float
it out to her honor,

real conversation-like.

I'm not talking
about jury tampering.

I'm talking about trying
to stop someone else

from jury tampering.

Based on a hunch?

Remember last year?

There was gonna be
an earthquake?

Yeah,
you made us leave town

and go to Tahoe for the weekend,
and there was no earthquake.

And those Blackjack waitresses?

All because of my hunch.

Okay.
Just float it in, nicely.

I'm a feather.

And no one can know about it.

Know about what?

- Your mama.
- Your mother.

Great.

Listen, Karp,
Isabella's gonna take the stand.

I think we need to discuss
who's gonna direct her.

Sure. I'll direct.

We'll decide using

a legally sound
decision-making process.

Law-off.

Whoever shows
the greater knowledge

of all matters legal wins.

- Please.
- You chicken?

You were summa at S.C.,

notes editor at the law review.

- How'd you know that?
- Facebook.

I didn't friend you.

You should.
You only have 11.

What do you got?

What was Marisa Tomei's
character's name

in "My Cousin Vinny"?

That's not a legal question.

- Ruling?
- I'll allow it.

Who cares
what her name was?

A hint --

it was an Oscar-winning
performance.

Actually,
I dated Marisa briefly.

She was incredible --

as, of course,
she was in "Vinny."

Character's name -- Mona Lisa.

So he's got, like,
magic hearing.

Is anyone coming to watch
my direct of Isabella? Hmm?

How can he not know
Marisa Tomei?

He's that guy.

"My biological clock
is ticking like --"

it's like right up there --
that and "Schindler's List."

Isabella, you went
to check on your finances

only days before Harry died.

Would you please tell
the court why?

Well, his 60th
birthday was coming up,

and I had this crazy --
this extravagant idea

about getting him a horse ranch
as a surprise.

Harry loved to ride.

Well, very nice surprise.

And yet this was never mentioned
in the meeting

with Harry's lawyer.

Wallace is such a chatterbox.

I didn't want him to ruin
the surprise.

I understand.

Look, I don't want
to be indelicate,

but I have to ask you
about all this sex

and, uh, love-making.

The doctor did warn you both,
didn't he,

about strenuous activity?

Well, we took precautions.

We, uh, we paced ourselves.

Harry even had a safe word
for when he felt winded.

Oh, really?

And, uh, what was that?

Cantaloupe.

He was allergic.

Oh. Pity.
Such a delicious fruit.

Such precautions,

and yet Harry wasn't
taking his heart medication.

That I didn't know.

Isabella,

did you go upstairs that evening
and kill your husband,

as Harry supposedly stated
to the paramedic?

Of course not.

I loved Harry.

And I'm lost without him.

Thank you.

Cross-examination after lunch.

Excuse me your honor,
uh, Jared Franklin,

from the animal-shelter
peeping-Tom trial.

Your client
was a seriously disturbed man.

Oh, believe me,
I still have nightmares.

Um, can I have a minute?

Um...

This is awkward.

So far. Mm-hmm.

My colleagues are representing
Isabella Kaplowitz?

I can't discuss that case.

An overzealous clerk
at our firm

stumbled upon a debt
incurred by a certain judge

at a certain establishment
in...Las Vegas.

No judgment.

I bet my freshman tuition

against the Lakers three-peat.

And I'm in no way accusing you
of betting on this trial,

but if you were to, let's say,
recuse yourself --

and I'm just thinking of you --

Listen to me,
you weasel. You think --

Whoa, whoa.
We're just talking.

There's nothing unethical

about playing
in the world series of poker.

And if I choose to put
my buy-in on Visa,

that is my business
and has no impact on this trial.

Exactly! Exactly, your honor.

T-that's what I said!

All right, then.
Are we good?

This feels good.

We're good!

Your testimony
paints a picture

of an idyllic, loving marriage.

That's what it was.

Did you ever fight
with your husband?

Rarely.

What about on the night he died?

No.

Can you describe
your last hours together?

We had a quiet dinner,

and then we went upstairs.

To the bedroom.
Then what happened?

We made love.

Can you be more specific?

Objection.

If Mr. Stein wishes to
live out his fantasies,

there are more private ways.

Sustained.

No arguments,
angry words exchanged?

N-no. Not at all.

No further questions.

The prosecution
calls to the stand

as a rebuttal witness
Delmi Santiago,

the Kaplowitzes' housekeeper.

Ms. Santiago,

were you in the Kaplowitz home

on the night of
Harry Kaplowitz's passing?

Yes.

Missus gave me the night off,

but I come back for my phone.

What did you hear
when you returned?

Fighting.

Could you make out
any of the words?

Mister was yelling,
"No! No more!

"I don't want that!

"Go away! I said 'no'!
You leave!

"You go away!

"Enough is enough!

No."

Anything else?

No.

Thank you.

So you did fornicate

this poor man
into an early grave.

No!

No, he wasn't saying "no more"
about sex.

Then what?

His medicine.

He didn't want to take
his medicine.

I was just thinking...

Yeah?

I've got this song...

Stuck in my head.

♪ Dah, Dee, duh... ♪

Something about
driving down a road.

Oh, it'll come to me.

Isabella, you knew
he wasn't taking his medicine.

No, I pleaded
with him, and he refused.

He said it dulled
his sensations.

See, we need to put her
back on the stand.

And admit she knew
he was off his meds

and still rode him wild?

Well, it's better
than the jury thinking

that Harry was screaming for her
to stop riding him.

Okay, but it's a long shot they're
gonna believe her if she already lied once.

Cantaloupe.
The -- the -- the safe word.

That's what Harry would've been
shouting if he wanted her to stop.

Thank you for believing me.

I believe in you, too.

But this is a setback.
There's no question about that.

The jury are going to see you
as a liar.

It's up to us to make sure
they don't see you as a liar

and a murderer.

Oh! Um...

You know...

I'm gonna go
make some notes.

I'll be right back.

I will not be able to do
anything in court

with this thing
buzzing in my head.

I had caught him several times
not taking his pills.

Usually he would listen to me,
but this time he refused.

He said -- he said
it made him feel less alive.

Now, you didn't mention that
in your earlier testimony.

And no doubt the prosecution
will call it a lie.

Am I wrong?

Trust me. He will.

Now, why did you withhold
the information?

Well, when the police asked me,

I-I panicked about not knowing
about the meds.

And then I just stuck
to my story from there on out.

So you did have sex
with your husband that night,

knowing that he wasn't
medicated.

It's what he wanted.

It's -- it's what
we both wanted.

If we were alone and together --

You were making love.

Yes.

Now I'm confused.

You earlier testified

that you had no idea that
your husband had stopped taking

his medication.

So were you lying under oath
then or now?

Then.

Honestly, Ms. Kaplowitz,

why should the jury believe
anything you say?

Peter, they accidentally
triple-tripled my double-double.

It's like seeing
a double rainbow.

Hey,
can we focus on rebounding

from the bitch-slap that Isabella
just took in court today?

Speaking of bitch-slap,
Judge Hong is clean.

Great. How bad was it?

Humiliating
and, somehow, exciting.

Who does that
leave us with, then?

Okay, guys,
so, I just sent you links

to every website every juror's
visited in the past six months.

What? I got a friend
at Homeland Security.

That is great work.

You know, remind us
to give you guys a bonus.

How about
an elephant ride in Thailand?

I don't know. I was kind of
thinking more like a hundred bucks?

I was thinking
like $50 each.

No, no, no.

I was at juror number 5's
Internet profile,

and it links
to her wedding registry.

It's pretty impressive.

All these items are for
a honeymoon trip to Thailand.

Meals, massages,
elephant rides...

Don't eat that, please.

Juror number 5?

She's a teacher.

Her fiancé's a teacher.
She lives in an apartment.

How can she afford a sick trip
like that?

Wow, looks like somebody
upgraded their honeymoon, big-time.

But how does our bridezilla

communicate with someone
on the outside?

An intermediary.

Security guard, room service.

They got to eat in.

Field trip?

♪ 2, 3 ♪

Yeah, we'll be there
in 15 minutes. Okay.

Uh, y-you can't be down here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm lost.

I'm looking for
the V.I.P. Elevator.

I have an appointment.

Uh, and you are?

A chiropractor.

A chiro--
where's your table?

Oh, I have my own technique.

Okay.

- Okay.
- This way.

Remember --

think starvation diet.

She needs to get
into her wedding dress.

Whoa!
Definitely not our bride.

Uh, no.
That would be juror number 3.

Bastard.

Got it.

Or do you?

One of these
has to be Annabelle's.

Or juror number 12.

Prada belt, 30-inch waist,
highlights.

This one has croutons.

Bridezilla can't risk the carbs.

- Nicely done.
- Thank you.

Oh, I think it's obviously
a very pristine kitchen.

I'd say a "B."

- "B"?
- Oh. What is that?

What's that?

Possible infestation.

- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Yep.

-I'll bring this to the lab.
- Good.

This is where I check out.

Miss you already.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

you've seen and heard
the evidence against my client.

But remember,

what the eyes sometimes see,

the heart always feels.

That's beautiful.

Oh, Debbie.
Yeah, thank you.

Closing argument, you know,

it's the only opportunity
for a lawyer

to reach directly into the soul
of a juror.

I meant
the karate outfit.

Oh. Oh.

Actually, it's called a "gi."

- Oh.
- Mm.

Well, Isabella's here.

Oh, please.
Isabella.

Hello.

I'm sorry
about the short notice.

I just didn't want there
to be any...

more surprises.

Oh, dear.
That makes me think

there are going to be surprises.

Harry and I
argued about more

than just his medication
that night.

Well, what?

No -- "who?"

Harry was jealous
of my friendship with...

Wallace Clayton.

It was strictly platonic,
but he felt threatened by it.

Wallace --
that irritating jokester?

Let's get this perfectly clear.

So you weren't arguing
about the medication.

No, we were.

But...Harry was agitated
because of Wallace.

Oh, I wanted to dispel
any kind of notions

that I had any romantic feelings
towards him.

So, when we had sex...

I kicked my efforts
into high gear.

Mm.

And it was a gear
I didn't -- I didn't know I had.

Oh.

And now he's gone.

And it's because of me.

That's a hell
of a way to go.

-I feel better now.
- Good.

Excuse me.

What the hell?

Surprise inspection.

Oh.

What do we have here?

All right! Let go!

You are looking
at a felony charge

for obstruction of justice,
Mr. Clean.

Look, I'm just the middle-man.

Where does this go next?

I fax it to a guy
who runs the book

at an off-strip place in Vegas.

I'll give you the number.

We don't care about that guy.

We care about
your friend upstairs.

You want us to forget
we met you?

Then you go deliver
one more message.

You tell her to be down
in the lobby in 10 minutes.

She can't leave her room.

Oh, we'll take care of that.

There's gonna be a fire drill.

You're going to pull
a fire alarm?

No. You are.

At some point,
you're gonna have to tell me

how you know
about the hooker elevator.

Yeah,
I know about baseball, too.

Doesn't make me center fielder
for the Dodgers.

Oh, there she is.
You're on.

- Oh, got it.
- Go, go, go.

- Hey.
- What the...

Come with me.

Who are you?

Don't worry about that.

You're looking at conjugal
visits on your honeymoon.

Listen, this wasn't my idea.

Oh, really?
Well, whose was it?

My maid of honor's brother.

I was just sent messages
saying that they would

pay me 50 grand to give updates
on how the jury was leaning.

Okay. So, his idea,
but you went through with it.

Look, look, look.
Please don't turn me in.

I just wanted
a better honeymoon.

All right? I mean, it might be
my last shot to see the world.

Oh, right.
At the expense

of sending an innocent woman
to prison?

No, no, no.
I was just giving a head count

of how I thought
they were gonna vote.

I mean, I wasn't betting
on the outcome.

I am just doing my civic duty
here, okay?

I bet you just throw
the jury summons in the trash.

I can't serve on a jury,

me being a convicted felon
and all?

Hey, which is something you
and I are gonna have in common

once we tell the judge
what you've been up to.

No.

What's going on
with the deliberation?

Going in,
we all figured she was guilty,

but now a few of us aren't sure.

Like me.

We got the juror,
dead to right.

How in the world
did you guys uncover this?

Don't ask, don't tell.

We tell the judge.
It's a slam-dunk mistrial.

And then a slam-dunk retrial.

You know,
this corruption --

and our knowledge of it --
if it's ever exposed,

I mean, it could be disastrous
both for Isabella

and for our firm.

Wow, I'm sorry.

Someone actually said
something sane.

We could keep
the trial going

but get rid of the juror.

There is a way to get rid of
the bride without a mistrial.

In which case we'd be making
an acquittal even less likely.

No, better to win
the honest way,

even if it proves to be
the hard way.

Except one thing --
we're losing.

Oh, no. Not this guy.

Morning Joe with the dream team.

Isabella, could I have a word?

Um, if I may,

a prosecution witness
conversing with a defendant

is inadvisable for both sides.

I was merely
going to tell Isabella

that, had no objection
been raised,

I would have said
I don't believe

she was responsible
for this tragedy.

Thank you, Wallace.

Oh, dear.
All these gloomy faces.

Here's a zinger
that might cheer you up.

This old deaf guy

gets fitted for a hearing aid --

works like a charm.

A month later, he comes back
to the doctor's office.

The doctor says,

"your family must be pleased
that you can hear again."

The old deaf guy says,
"I haven't told 'em yet.

"I just sit around
all day listening.

I've changed my will
three times already!"

Changed his will
three times already!

Oldguyscrackingwise.com.
Laugh riot.

My grandpa
used to tell a joke

about an old blind guy
who gets glasses --

No, it's cataract
surgery. I know that one.

Oh.
My grandpa told it with glasses.

Well, he told it wrong.

So, see you in court.

I like him.

Yeah. He's all right.

You know, Wallace is
Isabella's oldest friend.

Mm.

He does seem
rather sweet on her, doesn't he?

How sweet
was Wallace on you?

Well

We did have a bit of an awkward
exchange after the funeral

when he was trying to be...
A bit too comforting?

Really?

You didn't mention that
during his testimony.

I didn't
find it to be relevant.

Perhaps it's not,
but tell us anyway.

Well, I just played it
off like one of his gags.

And I think he --
I think he was upset,

but he got the message,
and then that was it.

Unless that wasn't it.

No mistrial.
Tell the judge...

We need to question
one more witness.

Thank you for allowing us to
question you again, Mr. Clayton.

Hey, I got enough time
to make my own coal.

Did you get that, darlin'?

I got enough time...

Everyone heard you,
Mr. Clayton.

That wasn't the issue.

Ouch. Heckled from the bench.

You testified
before this court

that you consider Isabella
to be a compadre.

But that's a bit of
an understatement,

don't you think?

Meaning?

Meaning you'd like
to tap that bootie.

How dare you?!

What does that mean, exactly?

Objection!

-Mr. Bash.
- "Bootie" withdrawn.

But do you deny having the hots
for my client?

She is a lovely woman.

Yes. A woman you've
resented all these years

for not giving you
what she so lovingly gave

your deceased best friend.

Objection!

Withdrawn.

You told us that you and Harry
were big yucksters.

You ever read
oldguyscrackingwise.com?

You know that I do.

Yeah. Me too. I'm a big fan.

But you know what?

I got a zinger for you.
I got a zinger.

-Man is told --
- Objection!

A little leeway, please.

Thank you.

A man is told by his doctor

that any more sex
would kill him.

So he abstains for weeks.

He sleeps downstairs
in his guest room.

And then late one night,
the guy runs into his wife

on the stairwell.

And he says to her,

"I was coming upstairs
to die --"

No, no! No, that's not it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hold on. I got it.

He says, "I was coming
up to die, and --"

I'll tell it!

The man says,
"I was coming upstairs

to commit suicide."

So the wife says,
"what a coincidence.

I was coming downstairs
to kill you."

That very joke ran
on your favorite website

three days before
your best friend died.

Did Harry know this joke?

And again, you are under oath.

He did.

And three nights later,

when Harry "The butcher
of all punch lines" Kaplowitz

said to the paramedic
that his wife

was coming upstairs to kill him,

was he not, in your opinion,
simply trying to tell a joke?

He was.

But you've kept it
to yourself all this time,

cruelly punishing
Isabella Kaplowitz

for rebuffing your advances.

Have you not, sir?

No further questions.

Ladies and gentlemen,

well, as I said before,
this is a love story.

Now, as it turns out,

it's a love triangle.

You see, what had been spun
as a dying accusation

was, in fact, the ultimate
profession of love,

uttered by Harry, so we're told,

with a smile on his face,

a final tip of the hat
to the woman

that loved him so indescribably,

and who ultimately
granted him that wish to live --

and, if need be, to die --

on his own terms.

- Not bad.
- Team effort.

Mm.
We still have a rogue juror.

We want to win fair.

Patience.

...Showed me more
positions than I ever remember

in the "Kama Sutra."

Now, is Isabella's loyalty
to Harry

not the purest expression
of love

that we could ever imagine?

And how could we
in all good conscience

send this woman to prison

for loving her husband so?

Surely,
ladies and gentlemen...

We cannot.

Thank you.

Wait!

Um, I, uh, I think
that I put the wrong date

on the invitations!

And I forgot chicken
on the menu!

And if I don't get
to a treadmill,

my wedding dress is
going to be worthless!

Bailiffs!

I told you
not to pick me for this!!

What are you looking at,
dickhead?!

What are you looking at?
Turn around!

I have things to do today!

I can't do this today!

I'm not ready!

Calm down.

...Down at the reception hall!

She really commits,
doesn't she?

Hey, how's the baby?

What baby?

Oh, he's -- he's great.

He's great.
Thank you.

I thought it was a girl.

She's great, too.

Uh, twins.

Did you get
my gift baskets?

Yeah, thank you
for the gift.

Don't thank me.
I never sent them.

Then who did?

I didn't send a gift

because you didn't have a baby.

Yes, he did.

Right! Yeah.

I mean, I'll show you a picture
if you want,

but I got to warn you, they're
fresh out the oven, so...

Oh, yeah, there's a lot
of slime involved.

Yeah --

Sure,
I'd love to see it.

You do? Yeah.

How far you want
to go with this?

I'm done.

I didn't have a baby.

How'd you know?

I'm a holy man.

- Well, I...
- Like a psychic?

Like I checked it out
with Infeld.

I'm sorry.

I was in a hurry, and I made up
a little white lie.

I apologize.
Forgiven?

No.

Really?
You're a spiritual adviser?

It seems...wrong.

I like lawyers
who are honest.

I'll do the case
for free. How about that?

- That's fair. Okay.
- Okay.

Hey.
Verdict was reached.

Okay, we gotta run.

Whatever you say.

Yeah, later.
Oh, by the way, Sparky --

you have one more shot
with Janie.

How did he know
about Janie?

I don't know.

Have you reached a verdict?

We have, your honor.

In the matter of California
vs. Isabella Kaplowitz,

we, the jury, find
the defendant not guilty.

Yeah!

Indeed.

Uh,
I need one of those.

Excuse me.

It makes me really happy.

So, Hilary, yes, call Raul.

Tell him dinner at 8:00.

And tell him to open
a '91 bottle of that Red Hawk

that he's been going on about.

All right, thank you.

Wow.
Somebody's celebrating tonight.

You're all joining me!

You always roll this big?

Well, this is
a little rich for us.

The '91 Hawk --
that's a $5,000 bottle of wine.

Admittedly it's a tad
higher-end than usual,

but the bill
wasn't so hard to swallow

in light of the Vegas jackpot
that I just hit.

Whoa, whoa.
You did not.

Well, when the odds
were 50 to 1 against me,

how could I resist?

I mean,
there's nothing unethical

about betting on oneself,

as far as I know.

So, cocktails 7:30 tonight.

Bring a lady if you must.

But don't get pissy when they
want to come home with me.

He's not kidding.

We should have gotten
on that action.

We did.

I parlayed the Cabo
vacation fund.

You the man!

Yeah, I'm the man.

- Wait a minute.
- Huh?

You were betting
against us winning.

Well,
it was like 50 to 1 odds.

I mean, you know,
it's a sure thing.

No, no, no.
How much?

How much?!

Ohh. Ohh.

You all right?

No, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, listen!

You're getting it all wrong!

♪ You've got a wonderful thing
going on ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==