Original subtitles

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[ Chuckles ]

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Man: It's alive!

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[ Thunder rumbles ]

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You can count on me sir.

If you have any mice, I'll clear them out.

♪ Ooh-rah, ooh-rah ♪

♪ Ooh-rah, ooh-rah, ooh-rah ♪

[ Screaming ]

♪ Ooh-rah ♪

Uhhhhh...

Uh, all right.

[ Screams ]

You're all clear!

Now I shall teach you to defeat a boggart,

which takes the form of your deepest, darkest fear.

Neville, why don't you go first?

♪♪

Oh, curious. It turned into you.

I wonder why.

I have a small penis!

That's not -- that's not true!

Fine! I'll prove it. Zip!

Okay. That's enough. Why don't we try someone else?

Weasley?

Oh, uh -- uh, I don't want to.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Ah. A spider. That's much more typical.

Ron has a small penis!

[ Chuckling ] What? No, I do not.

Oh, yes, you do.

It's like, ooh...

Okay. You know what?

Why don't we try a girl this time?

Hermione.

No, no, no, no. Please, don't make me.

[ Gasps ]

What?

I'm what Hermione thinks a penis looks like.

[ Chuckles ] She's terrified of me.

[ Hisses ]

What would I do with it?

Shake it? Stir it?

[ Sobbing ]

We really need to start a health class or something.

♪♪

Announcer: No need to ask him which water tastes best.

Evian -- The official water of the CIA.

Actually, I really loved "Hamilton."

It was no "Cats," but sure.

-Give me your money! -Aah!

Billy Blanks says you got to squat and punch.

Squat and punch and work it. Work it.

Squat. Punch!

-Ow! -Punch!

I'm destroyed.

Whoa! You know karate!

Oh! That was Tae Bo!

Billy Blanks taught me in '97.

I just panicked, and it -- it came back to me!

Your money or your life!

I've got this.

Squat and kick. Work it.

-Work it. -Squat and kick!

Oh. Ow!

Kick!

Are you checking your pulse?

Yeah, well, Billy was big on cooling down.

-Surprise! -Steve, do something!

I don't know any more moves!

-Maybe I can help you! -Oh, shit.

-Billy Blanks! -Billy Blanks!

Let's work this out together.

Billy and Steve: Squat and kick

and squat and punch and work it!

-Kick! -And work it!

Punch!

Thanks for your help, Billy!

It is the Tae Bo way.

Let us give you a ride home.

Ah, no need. I live in this alley.

Oh.

Give me the baker's dozen.

Yeah! Glaze me! Glaze me!

Here comes the money shot!

Oh, yeah!

[ Gargling ]

You're ruining baking.

[ Sniffing ]

Free cocaine!

Oh, being a lab mouse rules!

Ugh.

How come they get drugs and I get a fucking ear on my back?

Let me switch cages.

Man: Let's modify their environment.

[ Both laugh ]

Hey, let's have sex.

Keep it down! I can hear you!

I want to switch cages.

Man: Now let's pierce the ear.

Wait. Why the fuck would you --

Oh, God! What the fuck is this?!

Eh, cool earring, bro!

You should come party in our cage!

[ Both groaning ]

Oh. On -- on -- on second thought, this -- this --

this cage is kind of nice.

I can work with this. No big deal at all.

Son, Old Yeller has got rabies.

He's got to be put down.

I -- I'll do it.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Sobs ]

[ Blam! ]

Well done, Son. I know that was hard.

That was awesome!

[ Blam! Blam! Blam! ]

Yeah!

Yeah. [ Grunting ]

Now I'm Old Yeller!

Bark, bark, bark! Woof, woof, woof!

Grawr-awr-awr!

Whuh-oh. Looks like our son has rabies.

Give me that gun. I'll do it.

Good evening.

After losing my legs mountain climbing,

I used my background in biotechnology

to create fully functioning bionic legs.

-Oh, wow, robo-legs. -Wow, robo-legs!

That's right. With this remote,

I can control where I walk and how fast I walk.

Dad! This sucks!

I want to leave.

Billy, I told you to go wait in the car.

You don't control me!

I control you!

Billy. Billy, put -- Billy.

Put it down, Billy.

Aah! Aaaaaaah!

Aah! Billy. Put it down, Billy.

[ Laughter ] My son, ladies and gentlemen.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, watch out for the wall.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

-Is that Mall Madness? -Yeah.

Let's shop until we drop!

Announcer: The classic board game is back

and all-new for your generation.

Is this what malls are like?

I don't know.

I've never gone further than the Cheesecake Factory.

Mall Madness is just like a real mall

with real announcements!

Active shooter in the building. This is not a drill.

-Whoa! -It's just like school!

We really will shop till we drop!

[ Laughs ]

Announcer: The new Mall Madness, only available online.

[ Hawk crying, wind whistling ]

So I tell the TSA agent,

"If you really need to search inside,

hey, be my guest."

[ Laughter ]

Eggs Benedict for the Holy Grail.

Denver omelet for the Ark of the Covenant,

and chocolate chip pancakes for the Sankara Stones.

My diet starts tomorrow.

We really should do a regular MacGuffin bruncheon.

[ Chuckles ]

Guys!

Fancy seeing you all here.

I guess I must have missed the invite.

[ Chuckles ]

I'll take care of this.

Calm down. We can make it through breakfast.

Man: Not so fast, criminals.

You've met your match with Ant-Man.

And the Wasp!

And Scabies!

What is a scabies bug doing here?

Well, I got scabies a few weeks back,

and when I was shrunk, I really connected with them.

Aw, you are so cute!

I thought he could help us fight crime.

Scabies! Yack! Yack! Yack! Yack! Yack! Yack!

[ Groaning ]

Ugh. I feel itchy.

I'm going to go get checked.

I checked her out, and she's fine!

♪♪

Scabies!

Sue Ann!

I think your grandmother

left a toy on the porch for you.

Oh, boy, a Ponzi!

Its eyes change color based on its mood.

Teal means happy. Yellow is hungry.

Honestly, that's kind of creepy.

What's red for?

Aah! Oh, my God.

I am Ponzi, destroyer of worlds,

flayer of field mice!

Surrender your body, and your progeny lives.

I don't negotiate with terrorists!

Bang! Bang, bang!

Very well.

We have other ways of procuring a body.

No! Aah!

[ Ponzis laughing maniacally ]

Ahh.

Sorry I am tardy,

but I have brought complimentary playthings

for all of your family. Cool.

Now, let us discuss Earth's nuclear codes!

Phil, you have a cat sticking out of your ass again.

Half-breed brother.

How dare you come to Atlantis...

Aah!

...and challenge me.

Hey, hold up. Did you just pee?

Yes!

You couldn't wait to use a toilet?

A what?

Well, hold on.

You all just pee wherever?

Yes! It's the ocean!

It's disgusting is what it is.

How dare you judge Atlantis,

the most advanced civilization on --

Okay. Whose poop is this?

Hey. Hey, there, kid.

How you doing?

[ Sobbing ]

I know. I know, but killing your dad,

Dracula, was kind of the whole point

of what we're doing though, right?

Daddy!

Oh, come on. Come on.

Half-vampire, half-humans don't sob like that.

Let's be a big boy.

Look, Sypha made you a cake.

It's sugar free and vegan.

[ Sobbing ]

You cooked a vampire a vegan-sugar-free cake

to try to cheer him up?!

So? So what?

Get out!

Get out of here!

Fuck off! Leave the cake, and get out!

Try and do something nice.

You're going to get through this.

Oh, goddamn, this cake is the worst.

We're going to get through this together!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

-Fuck this cake! -Fuck this cake!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

He's so hot!

[ Farting, liquid sloshes ]

Aah!

[ Farting continues ]

♪♪

Alexa, play some elevator jazz, please.

Alexa: Okay, Mike.

I found a smooth jazz playlist

in your Amazon Music account. [ Smooth jazz plays ]

-Mm-hmm. -Ahh.

That music is so nice.

It almost makes me forget we're out of milk.

[ Cellphones chime ]

Huh. That's weird.

I just got an offer to buy some milk from Amazon Fresh.

So did I.

Are you listening to us all the time?

[ Whirring softly ]

No.

♪♪

Organic milk, instant delivery with Amazon Fresh.

-Subscribe now. -Stop telling us to buy stuff!

"Stuff Magazine" is available for subscription

or single issue purchase.

Yeah! For freedom!

Whoa-oh!

American flags, now with free 2-day shipping.

Aah!

Customers also bought clothes, boots, and a motorcycle.

[ Sobbing ] Okay. You win.

Add milk to shopping cart and checkout.

This is pretty convenient actually.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. It actually is.

[ Smooth jazz plays ]

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