Original subtitles

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Is coloring boring, Dad?

Of course not.

It's so much fun to color with you, Megan.

[ Sniffs ]

Let's color some shit fucking purple.

Yay! fucking purple!

You like my hair, Nancy?

Most girls find it ridiculous.

[ Chuckles ]

Nancy, you cannot go upstairs with him.

Barb, if I want to go upstairs,

and do stranger things with Steve,

then you can just wait for me here, so sober and so alone.

This is all so strange.

Oh, yeah. So strange.

You like my thing?

Your stranger thing.

Take my stranger thing, then.

It's too strange.

Oh, yeah.

Ugh. Totally gonna get blamed for this, aren't I?

Yeah, I just ordered an Uber.

It's this new cheap option called "Uber Plow."

Just one more pick-up.

What's happening?

Are you Stephanie?

No! I'm Muriel Van Howl, III.

Okay.

Here we go.

Ah, my hip!

Man: Uber Zeppelin for Muriel.

Yes, that's me.

You like Led Zeppelin? [ Chuckles ]

I'm just kidding.

I got my old mix of Billy Joel dubstep.

Oh, shit.

Fun fact -- Brothels were abundant in ancient Pompei.

Rome minted special coins for payments

with pictures of the sexual act that the person would pay for.

Some were worth more than others, depending on the act.

Hey, could we get a flashback on that?

You bet.

Anyone have change for an anal?

Yeah, I got four missionaries.

Look at all these handjobs.

Sorry, you can't pay for melon with a reverse cowgirl.

I'd like to buy your finest orgy.

Okay. This is a missionary coin.

You just drew more people on here.

That's how it looked when I got it.

It's customary to tip after a flashback.

A rim job!

Thank you, good sir.

I can't believe we're gonna swim with sharks.

It seems so dangerous.

Oh, there's the human now!

Don't worry, Sharketta.

They can't hurt us inside this cage.

Ah!

Ugh, God, Sharkjoe. You fucking liar.

Humans truly are the bloodthirsty predators

our shark movies make them out to be.

Wow, that was cute.

Anything happen up here?

Nope.

Them damn space parasite, you got to stop taking over my body.

Venom: No. "Hamilton."

What? What are you talking about?

I want to see "Hamilton."

"Hamilton," the hottest show in history?

Come on. I'm Eddie Brock, not the Great Mandrake.

You want me to get house tickets or something?

I can barely hold on to my accent.

"Hamilton."

My God, what a great show!

I had no idea the founding fathers could rap.

Alexander Hamilton was not Black,

but it's still incredible.

Meet Lin-Manuel Miranda.

No. There's no way we can -- Oh!

Yo, I'm so sorry, Mr. Lin Miranda.

Lenny La-Mandolin. Oh, don't be sorry.

I'd be surprised if people didn't sneak in to see me.

I want to touch him.

No, no, no, no, no! Hm.

You say, "I love you."

I love you, Lin.

I love me, too.

[ Screams ]

♪ I am Alexander Hamilton ♪

♪ Alexander Hamilton is super cool! ♪

And also Venom -- Lin Venom Well-Menanda.

Badum!

Hey, are you that tree that killed Sonny Bono?

Yeah, I got him. What's it to you?

This is from Cher.

No, no, no, no!

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Wasn't that fun?

Alright. For the next part of our show,

we'll need a word from the audience.

-Impotence. -Damn it, Carol!

Thanks for taking a chance on me, sir.

I'm ready to be a star.

Squidward, I'm telling you, nobody has got what you got.

Okay. Tentacles ready. and action.

Woman: Oh. Ooh.

Oh, yes, Squidward.

I'm a big, bright, shining star.

It's scared.

[ Cheering ]

Oh, yes. It thinks it left the oven on.

[ Cheering ]

It's wondering if anyone saw if the oven was off.

[ Murmuring ]

Narrator: Previously on "Giraffe Cop"...

You sure this is a safe place for a drug deal?

Bro, we're on the second floor.

The cops can't touch us up here.

Oh, no! It's giraffe cop!

I'm always sticking my neck out for you guys.

♪ Who's the badge who eats chutes and leaves? ♪

-♪ Giraffe Cop ♪ -♪ Who ♪

♪ Giraffe Cop ♪

Damn right.

Alright, Zico, deal is a deal.

You hand over that space nuke

in exchange for 200 Zacdar crystals.

It was a pleasure doing business with you, Captain Kirk.

The pleasure is all mine.

Oh, and one last thing --

I want to say that you Zactarians

are the filthiest scum in the galaxy,

and I'm disgusted just looking at you.

Beam me up, Scotty.

Scotty: There's a transporter malfunction.

Did you really mean that?

No, no, no, no, no. It was a joke.

It was what we do, you know, when you, you know,

you make just friends, just friends.

Why would say that?

Fixed the problem, Captain!

Ha. Because it's true!

You're a planet of grade-A shit people.

Beam me up!

Oh, no.

Captain, there's a dingo in the flip rotator.

Oh, God. Come on, Scotty.

You did mean it!

You think we're shit people.

No, no, no. No, no. It was all me, Zica.

Zica, look at me. I'm a shit people.

I'm a shit person. I'm shit.

Forgive me. Okay.

I appreciate your apology.

All fixed now, Captain.

Psyche! Adios, shit baby!

Beam me up! Kirk out.

Where's the space nuke, Captain?

Well, uh, crap. It looks like I forgot it.

You'll have to go back.

Yeah, no. No. Um, I can't do that.

Man: Whoa, whoa!

♪♪

What's this?

Well, Solid Snake, I'm afraid you have scoliosis.

Have you been putting a strain on your back?

Well, when I want to be sneaky, I do this.

Where did you go? Where did you go?

Where did you go?

Where did you go?

Hm, since you didn't pay me for pied-piping away your rats,

I shall now pied-pipe away your children.

Oh, no, terrible.

Oh, no, not the children.

No, definitely not my little Johan.

Oh, Johan. I miss you.

♪♪

Well, hello, there.

I'm Grandmother Willow, sage spirit of the Earth

that gives advice to Pocahontas of the Powhatan tribe.

Yeah, we gave them all smallpox.

Oh!

Then, I guess I can give advice to you.

Oh, here's some advice -- Don't be a tree

where I'm building my house.

Ah! Oh, no.

You know, I was thinking, after dinner tonight,

maybe we could, you know?

Ugh.

She is angry that you only speak to her when you want the sex.

I don't take advice from tables.

Stupid face in the wood!

I'm gonna stay at my mother's.

She wants you to go after her.

Listen to your heart, and paint with all the colors of the --

Burn, you stupid face!

You're a real piece of shit, you know that?

And she's been fucking your neighbor.

Paint with that, asshole.

And now, for a special sponsored edition of

"Celebrities Read Mean Tweets,"

please welcome the Disney Princesses.

"Ariel looks like a fish with severe mercury poisoning."

Jesus.

Some of my friends died from mercury poisoning.

"Cinderella is" -- that's me -- "as interesting

as a sack of flour that married into the right family."

Well, fuck. I was abused.

That's interesting.

"I wanted to see her make out with the bear."

That was me mum.

How dare you!

Now, you're dead!

So, healthcare...

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.

Oh, that's right, sweetheart.

Oh, well, I'm finally gonna be an angel.

Hold him. Hold him.

Oh! Oh, no! No!

Oh, God, no!

Oh, no! No!

No, no, no!

Oh, it hurts!

Way to go, Clarence.

[ Giggles ]

[ Clarence screams ]

Is there any warrior who wishes to challenge T'Challa

for the mantel of the Black Panther?

Very well. If there is no challenger --

[ "Pink Panther" theme plays ]

♪♪

Pink Panther challenges Black Panther.

Let the battle begin.

Ow.

[ Grunting ]

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Huh?

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What? Oh!

[ Cheers and applause ]

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What?

Oh, good idea. I should look nice.

I've been building to this for a while.

♪♪

He's had enough.

He has to yield, or the challenge is not done.

Do you yield?

He does not yield.