Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Theme music plays ]

♪♪

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive! [ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Dinosaur growling ] Shh, shh.

[ Whispering ] I think it's a Velociraptor.

No. It's a Veloci-rapper!

♪ One, two, one, two, look who's coming through ♪

♪ Veloci-rapper, so what you want to do? ♪

♪ Oh, snap, I just seen a little boy ♪

♪ So it's time to attack, bust a rap, and destroy ♪

♪ You could run, but I'll follow you ♪

♪ I'll chew you up and swallow you ♪

♪ And if there's more people ♪

♪ Then I'm-a eat up all of you ♪

♪ I'm from a park called Jurassic ♪

♪ My rhymes are classic ♪

♪ I'll wrap you with plastic, douse you with gas ♪

♪ And toss a matchstick ♪

♪ Guarantee once I find you, you'll be in my submission ♪

♪ And if you think I'll let you live ♪

♪ Then, boy, you must be wishing ♪

[ Horn blowing ]

Yeah, Jurassic Park all day! West side raptor!

Motherfucka World star!

FUCK meteors. We out.

Tim, get up! You got to wake up!

Dr. Grant, the dinosaur didn't even touch him.

Ah, the Veloci-rapper simply shreds

all of its victims with dope lyrics.

Sorry for your loss, homes.

♪♪

Harry, how can you be so relaxed?

Snape's potion test is tomorrow!

Oh, because I'm the chosen one.

Nobody said I'm the "chosen as long

as he gets good grades" one, eh?

And the chosen one's friends

should be exempt from exams, too.

Will you be quiet?

I need to be well-rested for our big potions test tomorrow.

Why don't you just write the answers

on the back of those cucumbers?

Nobody's doing anything gay in here, are they?

Because that would be okay with me.

Oh, Dumbledore.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Come on to Hogwarts ♪

♪ Learn a charm that is new ♪

♪ Where the spells are a curse or a hex or jinx ♪

♪ At Harry's wizardry school ♪

[ Screaming ]

Can anyone play goalie?

[ Grunts ]

You! New guy.

You're up.

[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]

♪♪

Yeah, new guy is the balls!

[ Buzzer ]

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Together: Boo!

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Aah!

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

Crowd: [ Chanting ] Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it!

[ Crowd cheers ]

New guy! New guy! New...

Ah, can anyone play goalie?

[ Whimpers ]

Can you describe the attackers?

Well, they were these giant humanlike turtles

that were doing all kinds of karate, and...

I don't know.

Maybe they were teenagers or something.

They had weapons. Ninja weapons.

Anything else?

They smelled like pizza, and they said "Dude" a lot.

Oh, dude, they had this rat with them.

I don't know if he was their pet or, like, their master

or whatever, but, like, they had something going on.

I don't know. I'm just speculating.

Did you get a look at their faces?

No, Officer. I didn't see it.

They had these colorful little masks over their eyes,

so I'm like, "What do they look like, man?"

I don't even know.

Without the faces, we've got nothing! [ Groans ]

Come on, Abe. Show us what's under that hat.

We want to see why it's so tall.

I wanted a tall hat. That's it, honestly.

No one needs a hat that tall.

What are you hiding under there, freak?!

I'm not hiding anything!

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Not so fast, Abe! Rip!

[ Stammering ]

Aah! Aah!

[ Guns cock ]

You must not let this happen again.

Yes, my lord.

♪♪

A girl is ready to join the game of thrones.

She must choose a face.

That one.

Perhaps a girl would like a face more like this?

No. I want that one.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Beeping ]

♪♪

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

♪♪

Ugh. No. Not this one.

A girl wanted the one next to it!

[ Sighs ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Straining ]

[ Grunts ] Come on.

Man really needs to rethink the design of this place.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Gritty: Every mascot has their own truth.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I just danced my heart out to "Whoomp! (There It Is)"!

What more do you want from me?!

Real mascots are racist caricatures

and animals like Hunter, not fuzzy blobs like you.

I was the best mascot in the world at one time.

Now I can't stand the face I see

when I look in the mirror.

They don't care. No one cares.

I wasn't a perfect purebred mascot like the others.

Not me.

[ Thud ]

Did you just hit me

in the knee with a crowbar?

Couldn't feel anything. Thick padding.

I, uh...

No!

Ha! Huh!

Ha! Huh! Why?!

[ Crying ] Why?!

You always hated Hunter, didn't you?

I didn't do it.

But we all watched it on the JumboTron, didn't we?

That could've been anyone!

America, they want something to love.

You never loved me.

You tortured me into greatness.

That's how I love, stupid!

But they also want a gigantic orange nightmare creature.

Showtime!

I'm Gritty.

Thank you so much for hiring me

as your assistant, Nostradamus.

What can I do for you?

Please, go to the market and fetch me some ink for my quill.

Yes, sir. God damn it!

You're gonna buy brown ink!

I wanted black!

I'm sorry I yelled.

I've just got a lot of prophecies

to write, and I'm stressed.

Sir, I understand.

Why don't you go to the kitchen and fetch me

some hot, relaxing tea?

As you wish. Aah!

You're gonna spill it on my lap and burn my dick.

Oh, my goodness!

I'm so sorry! It's fine.

I'm just a little sensitive about my dick.

Understood. Can I...

You're gonna fuck my wife!

Aah! Oh.

What?! I would never.

Yeah, you will, right there on that couch and behind that door.

That's where I'll watch.

Wait. You'll watch? Yeah.

I'll enjoy watching for reasons

I won't understand, and then, one day,

I'll open the door, try to join in.

You'll be cool. She'll get upset, call it off.

Humiliated, I slash both of your throats

and hang my nude body above your corpses right here.

I'm going to leave now.

Wait! What?

Okay, now go. Okay, bye.

Aah!

"Buy Apple...stock."

[ Crowd cheering ]

Another great show, Jonas Brothers.

Let's celebrate with some light hugging with some girls!

But what about our purity rings?

[ Laughter ]

What are purity rings? High five.

Sexy boys, come with me.

Something terrible has happened.

-Ooh, it's kind of dark. -Whoa!

Boys, the United States needs your help.

America needs the Jonas Brothers?

You're not the Jonas Brothers.

You're actually the Jonas clones.

-Aah! -Gasp!

Years ago, the government was alerted

to the existence of a teen heartthrob

who was far too heartthrob-y.

His looks were killer.

His music was boppin'.

And his hair was floppy.

He was called Jonas.

-Like us! -Quiet!

You are horse shit compared to him.

He could blow a kiss at a fan,

and their G.D. vagina would explode!

Their heterosexual fathers needed to give him a BJ.

And to restore world order,

the government had to step in and take Jonas captive.

Nooooo!

We experimented on his genes

to study the limits of his allure,

but there were no limits.

We couldn't study Jonas directly,

so we created clones of him.

We spliced in some frog DNA to limit his allure.

I had recently watched "Jurassic Park,"

and that's how you three were born.

-But we're not clones. -Oh, no?

Simply this. And there. Hm.

Aah! Wait!

Which one am I?! Kevin? Nick? Jack?

There is no Jack Jonas.

Both: There isn't? I thought I was Jack!

-No! -Aah!

And the final piece of evidence. Here.

[ Muffled ] Why tell us now? And do you have more flies?

Today, Jonas Prime escaped.

We need your help to track him down.

[ Metal clangs ]

No! He's...

He's still here!

-Ohh! -Oh!

So...much...allure.

Thanks for tracking down my clothes for me, fools.

Now leave us.

[ Ting! ]

He winked at us!

I'm blushing!

I'm blushing to death!

Now, my clones, together, we shall rule the world!

Being a Jonas isn't about ruling humanity.

It's about loving your fans, playing great music,

and being told to wear purity rings

until you get old enough that it's weird to wear purity rings.

Aw, come on, babe.

You can't resist. We're the same.

Oh, are we?

Ribbit motherfucker!

[ Frogs croaking ]

What are you doing?

No! S.O.S.! S.O.S.!

[ Whistle! ]

[ Explosion ] Oh! We did it!

Hooray! Murder!

Now can we lock down whether I'm Kevin or Nick?

[ Laughter ]

Together: Huh?!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

[ Gun cocks ]

[ Screaming ] Yeah!

Motherfucker!

♪♪

Stupid Monkey.