Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Cackles ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

[ Deep voice ] I don't know what happened to my voice, Dave.

Just look at the flowers, Alvin.

[ Revolver cocks ]

♪♪

[ Gunshot ]

Who's next?

Run, Theodore! Shiiiiit!

Lady of the Lake,

King Arthur lies dying from battle

and would see Excalibur returns to you,

so when a new king arises,

he shall find Excalibur waiting.

♪♪

Oh, bollocks.

Uh...

[ Fingers snap ]

Excalibur!

Blazes.

Oh, are you getting frustrated, magic arm?

There's just as much lake over here.

Come here to the sword, magic arm.

[ Fingers snap ]

Have you ever tried throwing a sword?

The center of balance betrays the throw.

Have pity.

Oh, bloody right.

I'm going to get the sword, and I'm going to cut

the fucking magic arm off of you,

you fucking lake with an arm on it.

You fucking fucker.

Oh! Right!

Fucking come here, you fucking bitch!

Percival, God has laid his grace upon me,

for I have recovered, and I --

Oh, shit. Jesus, fucking!

Get back here!

Ow!

Narrator: And so Legend of Excalibur lives on.

This one's a bit of a fixer-upper

but has excellent curb appeal.

I'll take it.

You don't want to see the inside?

Are you kidding? It's a skull!

I'm a skull! Oh, come on.

I'll give you 15% over listing.

[ Jet engine roars in distance ]

[ Sighing ] Oh, shit. I'm under a fucking flight path.

I'll take it!

♪♪

Happy birthday, Ronald! Make a wish!

[ Chuckling ] Yes! Now that's a Happy Meal.

[ Rapid chiming ]

Shh!Shh! Shh!Shh!

Come on. This is a library.

Shh!

[ Chiming ] Study.

Where were you carrying those?

Leave the library! Shh.

The Mirror of Erised

shows us our heart's most desperate desire.

-Boobs. -Titties.

-Boobs. -Tits.

-Boobs. -Boobs.

-Titties. -Boobs.

[ Whimpering ]

What is it you see, Harry?

Oh, um, I s-s-saw my parents.

W-What do you see, Professor?

♪♪

Socks -- Thick woolen socks.

[ Telephone rings ]

Charles Fort speaking. Roosevelt here.

There's a most unfortunate ordeal

developing in the Pine Barrens.

Ah, the Jersey Devil.

Yes, the unfortunate creature must be acting up

because it's mating season.

I'm on my way.

Duty calls, my dear.

Every monster just needs a solid whopping.

♪♪

Perfect landing.

Here, chicky, chicky, chicky!

♪♪

Aah!

♪♪

Oh!

You like it rough, eh?

Ha ha!

Care for a bunch of fives, you rambunctious hoyden?

♪♪

Bup, bup!

Bup! Whoa!

Now, a bit of...

ought to subdue your beastly nature.

♪♪

Wow, once again, music tames the savage beast,

and by music, I mean my prodigious engine.

[ Growls ]

Oh, come to take a whack of the white staff, have you?

Well, come forth then, lusty goblin!

I've got two ripe ghoulies waiting for you!

[ Growls ]

[ Ding! ]

Why?

Why did I not figure this out?

Why would aliens look apes?

Why would I, a NASA-trained astronaut,

not recognize the night sky?

Why would aliens speak English?

So stupid, stupid maniac!

I carry a big gun, and I won't treat you gently,

so tell me, Fabrizio,

where is the skinny Sicilian? [ Knocks on door ]

Frank, it's time.

♪♪

Come on, man. You're Frank "Fucking" Castle.

You're a star.

You're a big, bright, shining star.

Yep. Here's your problem.

Gross. Is there more than one?

There's 802 of them. You gotta catch them all.

Ugh, how much is that going to cost?

Ah, yeah. Mm, yeah --

Woman: Wheres my little honey, Derek?

Geez, Mom! Knock first!

I-I-I'm sorry, Derek. I just wanted to say good night.

Ugh, good night.

[ Door slams ]

Mm, yeah. Yeah --

Don't forget to set your alarm --

Oh, my God! Derek!

[ Screams ]

I said, "Knock"!

Aah! Good catch, loser.

Ugh.

All: Boo-yah!

'Sup, blood?

What's shaking?

The Koosh Kins -- from the '90s?

Yeah, nice memory, home slice.

Get ready to join the cool leagues!

♪♪

♪ Hey, what's up, everyone, we're from Planet Koosh ♪ Koosh!

♪ If you never heard of it, you're a douche ♪ D-D-D-D-Douche!

♪ We've returned to Earth to help you get cool ♪

♪ You got to roll with us, dog, don't be a fool ♪

♪ Give me a slice, dog, and we'll get you pimping ♪

♪ Hey, you the bomb, but you, you be tripping ♪

Trish, I'm really sorry for what's about to happen.

♪ Hey, shorty, what's up, you looking so fat, boo ♪

♪ I'm pumped for tonight, see you in the chat room ♪

You are ruining everything! [ Screams ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up? Wait, wait, wait.

Guys, are we, like, no longer with it?

Well, that kid is whack, homes.

Let's hit Blockbuster

and rent the latest Pauly Shore movie.

Word!Word! Word!Word!

Man: It puts the lotion on its skin,

or it gets the hose.

I've got to stop using this temp agency.

Is it weird I used to kidnap your girlfriend?

Eh.

Welcome, X-Men, to your first day.

When did you gifted youngsters learn you were gifted?

Hi, my name is Scott Summers.

I realized I had optic blast when I survived a plane crash.

Great.

Now I will use my psychic powers to show that moment.

What now?

I love you, Victoria's Secret catalog.

Oh, oh! Aaaaaah! Wow!

Uh...I, uh -- Wh-What? That never...

It's okay, Scott.

Mutant abilities emerge during puberty.

Who's next? Bobby.

Holy shit. I don't want to do this.

Look, let's just say I was being bullied,

and I turned a bully into ice.

Excellent, Bobby.

Now let's see it on the big board.

Okay, I'm already dropping out, so -- s-so don't!

Cool, everyone is asleep.

Good thing I've packed my Victoria's Secret --

Ugh!

God damn it!

Who's next? Jean.

♪♪

I re-enroll. Bobby is back in.

Go ahead. Goodness.

Well, I suppose maybe it happened during, um,

a slumber party pillow fight?

Yeah, it did. Yeah.

And then my top accidentally came off,

and I could hear the other girls' thoughts,

and that is when I knew.

Show it. Show it. Show it. Show it. Show it.

Thank you, Jean. Let's take a looky-loo.

This shrimp cocktail is delicious,

but I wish I had a napkin. Oh, there's one.

[Gasps] Oh, neat.

I have special powers.

Oh, no. I think the shrimp was --

Oh, gross!

Turn it off! No, no.

Youngster Jean waited patiently through your vision.

[ All retching ]

[ All retching ]

♪♪

Is this what you wanted, you pervs?

♪♪

Out of lasagna.

Maybe that weirdo across the street has some.

Another thrilling journey

through Garfield's one dimension.

[ Horn blares ]

Fucking Mondays.

Garfield, no!

I'm nothing without you,

no marketing value whatsoever.

Don't you bury that cat in the Pet Sematary now.

Sometimes, dead is better.

How could dead be better?

Not dead, Ded's. Ded's Pet Crematorium.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Horn blares ]

Oh, no. Odie, move.

♪♪

Yeah, I'm sure this will be fine.

This will not be fine.

He who disturbs our sacred ground

shall pay a terrible price.

Didn't you hear me? Can anyone hear me?

I once had sex with my horse.

That felt good to get out.

I love being old and alone.

I don't have to wipe when I shit.

Eh?

[ Screams ]

That's the most upsetting place to cut.

♪♪

[ Screams ]

That's the most upsetting place to cut.

[ Screams ]

Stop trying to top yourself.

Well, now I'm going to slice that little flap of skin

between your penis and your balls.

[ Retches ]

[ Voice breaking ] With Garfield and Odie gone,

it's just you and me, Nermal.

[ Giggles ] I'm the world's cutest cat

living with the world's saddest 37-year-old man.

My life is crap. [ Giggles ]

[ Sobbing ] I hate Mondays.

♪♪

Garfield, you look terrible.

I look exactly the same.

That's what I meant -- terrible.

[ Screams ]

So, no, your cat is not a zombie.

All his fat must have cushioned the impact from the truck.

You buried me alive, you fat-shaming,

loveless piece of milk toast.

But he killed our neighbor.

Classic case... of the lasagna withdrawals.

They cause short-term irritability.

Short-term?

Did it wear off before or after you killed Nermal?

Before.

That pussy was a twat.

[ Both laugh ]

My greatest novel yet.

[ Snorts ]

Argh!

No van could kill me! Steve King!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.