Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip.

Do not throw me your dick!

I'm not throwing you my dick.

You said, "Throw me the idol, I throw you my dick."

I said I throw you the whip. Whip! Not dick.

My bad. Now it makes sense.

Adios, Señor. But before I go...

[ Zipping, whiffle! ]

Grab it firmly! Swing across!

I'm just gonna jump.

And congrats, by the way.

Who are you?

Call me...Daredevil!

Aah!

Oh, no!

That's the last we've seen of him.

[ Chuckles ] Smuggling illegal, bad drugs

has never been easier now that Daredevil's not around.

♪♪

Who is that?!

It's Daredevil!

And...Daredevil?

You can call me... Double Daredevil!

They're working together!

Physical challenge!

I-I don't know which one to punch.

Wrong choice, scum!

Announcer: "Double Daredevil," this Fall on Netflix...

'cause we'll green light anything.

You'll be okay, Father?

No, Jyn. I'm done for.

But tell the Rebels I designed a flaw in the Death Star,

an exhaust port leading straight to the reactor.

Ugh.

Father, I swear you haven't died in vain.

The Rebels will know!

Also, if you flush every toilet on the "C" deck

at the same time, the bathrooms on the "D" deck

will explode! Ugh.

Sure, I'll tell them that, too, I guess.

Also, once every 10 hours in the main conference room,

a recording of a fart noise will play.

The Rebellion doesn't need to know that, Jyn,

but imagine those meetings. [ Chuckles ]

Ugh!

I will imagine it, Father, I swear!

It's a recording of my own farts. Ugh.

Also, if you set up a trash compactor to delicate,

the Death Star will -- Ugh.

The Rebellion will know, Father!

We done?

Better make sure.

[ Grinding ] Man: The trash compactors.

Someone's messing with the teacups.

[ Disco playing ]

What the fuck?!

That was good sex, Leslie, bleh.

Uh, Leslie!

Babe, you would not believe the day I just had.

Hey, psst, I will call you.

♪♪

It's-a me, Mario!

Let's-a take-a your driver test!

Where are we?

Is that a gorilla driving a go-kart?

This wasn't on the written test.

[ Beeping ]

Floor it! Mama mia!

♪♪

Someone just threw a fucking Komodo dragon at me!

I am leaving!

If-a you leave, no license.

[ Engine revs ] Buckle up, meatball.

I am not gonna let some gorilla or talking mushroom

keep me from driving to Raging Waters this weekend.

I have a $5 coupon.

♪♪

Okay.

Choke on this, ape taint!

Eh, you're making the mark.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Death to Bowser.

I did it!

License, here I come!

Uh-oh! You forget-a to signal

when you make-a the left turn.

Hit start to try again.

Ew.

[ Horn honking ]

Welcome home, Daddy Pig.

Hello, Mummy Pig. Hello, Peppa.

Hello, George. Bad news.

[ Snorts ] I've been made redundant.

What's that mean, Daddy?

Well, Peppa, that's the pretentious British way

of saying [snort] I got fired.

Oh, no, Daddy Pig. [ Snorts ] Why?

Because of this damn Brexit.

My company has lost far too many [snort] pounds.

Oh, it's too bad you haven't lost more pounds, Daddy.

You've got a very big tummy.

[ Laughs ] Peppa! [ Snorts ]

Your jokes at my expense are the only thing keeping me

from jumping out of [snort] the window.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hello, Peppa.

Malika Meerkat and Randall Rhino?

What are you doing here?

We've come to say goodbye, Peppa.

Since Brexit inflamed anti-immigrant hate crimes,

my Muslim family doesn't feel safe anymore.

And I'm getting deported back to Aleppo.

They'll remove my woman hands, for they have touched a book.

[ Voice breaking ] D-Daddy! Why is this happening?

Because, Peppa, [snort] right-wing voters

around the world are acting like --

Dinosaur!

Not now, George. [ Snorts ] Like, I was saying,

most politicians are afraid of progress,

so they're stuck in the past like --

Dinosaur! Not now, George.

[ Snort ] Anyway, if we let

these greedy pigs control our world,

we'll all end up like -- Dinosaur!

Yes, George, we see you've got a dinosaur.

[ Snorts ] Well, since I can no longer bring home the bacon,

[chuckles] these will have to do.

[ Sizzle ]

Daddy Pig, did you just pull off your ears?

What?!

[ Laughter ]

Announcer: This week on "Shark Tank," a new investor joins the Sharks.

An actual motherfucking shark tank.

Ooh, I got 10 million clams and an itchy trigger finger!

Get at me!

Well, I've invented a chair that runs on clean coal.

Okay, my first concern --

[ Engine revving ] $2 million for 50%!

Can't stop or I die! Shark tank!

[ Bells tolling and cheering ]

So, Robin Hood wed Maid Marian,

and good King Richard returned to his throne,

and the evil King John went to prison.

The end.

Oh, but, sir, what happens next?

Well, I have a warm dinner waiting for me at home,

but since you asked,

Richard immediately forgave his brother John

and named him heir to the throne. What?!

And Richard love fighting wars, so he left John in charge.

But John is evil!

That was the whole problem in the first place!

Then while laying siege to a castle,

Richard walked around without armor like a true asshole.

Good King Richard died?!

Not right away.

You see, his surgeon was a real numb nuts

and the wound got gangrene.

Yah!

Richard's last act was to forgive the enemy soldier

who shot him, as he was just a boy. How noble.

Yeah, but the second Richard died,

his soldiers flayed the kid alive and hung him.

Oh, my God!

Anyway, blah blah blah, Magna Carta,

then John got dysentery,

which is a good way to die if you enjoy shitting blood.

[ Fart and squelch ]

[ Gasps ]

Any other horrible facts you want to ruin my childhood with?

Every ounce of chocolate contains up to 17 spider pods.

That's something to sleep on.

I hate you.

Welcome, everyone, to the screening

of "The Last Airbender."

Here I am, Roger Ebert, about to review yet another movie

based on a fucking cartoon.

And four nations once lived in harmony

when the elements of Earth, fire, water, and air,

were mastered by those who --

And it already sucks.

Maybe I can fall asleep with my eyes open.

Worth a try.

Man, Ebert loves this movie!

This 3-D looks like 2-D even in 3-D.

Who are you, stranger? I'm Roger Ebert.

I'm dreaming I'm in this terrible movie.

You should not be here if you have no power.

Power? I won a Pulitzer Prize for criticism!

That's the ultimate power!

Are we fighting or just jerking off?

I'm fine with either one, but let's just decide.

If we are to defeat Fire Lord Ozai,

you must use this criticism power.

Oh, that will not be a problem.

Your acting is so wooden,

the blue fairy turned you into a real boy.

These special effects are neither special nor effective.

This dialogue's duller than a mayonnaise sandwich.

Thumbs down. Thumbs down.

Thumbs up. Thumbs way down.

Oh, stranger! You did it!

This movie was the worst experience of my life,

and I live in Chicago.

I give it half a star.

Half a star?

It cost $150 million!

Well, in that case, thumbs down!

♪♪

Mom-ugh! I can't help what my body feels!

Just let me be me-ugh!

Young lady, don't you talk to me about gender identity.

Here in Jurassic Park, we're all female,

so you go put on your skirt and --

[ Pop! ] [ Gasps ]

Are you happy now? I just grew a penis!

Life found a way!

[ Shouting in foreign language ]

Ugh!

A Rolex?

You guys! [ Laughter ]

I told you I didn't want a retirement party!

Well, too bad.

We want you to know how much you mean to all of us.

And don't forget your other presents.

Oh, you really shouldn't have.

Guys, I -- I don't know what to say.

Well, you can just say you're ready to party

with the boys one last time!

Candy, get out here!

♪♪

Announcer: Do you want to see "Hamilton" on Broadway,

but can't afford tickets?

Then come see Off-Off Broadway's "Hammilton!"

♪ It's pretty much exactly the same thing! ♪

♪ How does a piggy wiggy trying to make it biggy ♪

♪ make a name for himself in the big, bright city? ♪

♪ So many other piggies all over this town ♪

♪ just trying to build a house a wolf can't blow down. ♪

♪ Should I build a house out of straw, sticks, or bricks? ♪

♪ There's so many wolves out there trying to be slick. ♪

♪ My name is Wolfie Wolf McGrabby Wolf. ♪

All: ♪ That name, again, is Wolfie Wolf McGrabby Wolf ♪

Announcer: Yes, come see the show the New York Times is calling

"I left after the first three minutes.

It's just a hip-hop 'Three Little Pigs'

with an extra 'M' in 'Hamilton.'"

♪ I am not gonna bluff my puff ♪

♪ I am not gonna bluff my puff ♪

♪ I'm a wolf, and I'm rough and tough ♪

♪ Lin-Manuel Miranda may or may not have wrote this stuff ♪

You better hurry, because almost all our tickets

are still available for the show Time Out raves,

"It is definitely not written by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

And one of the songs is straight up just the nursery rhyme."

♪ Little pig, little pig, let me in. ♪

♪ Oh, not by the hair on my chinny chin chin. ♪

♪ Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in ♪

♪ He's gonna huff and-ah puff and-ah blow our house in. ♪

♪ Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton ♪

♪ Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton ♪

Announcer: Yes, it's the one and only original "Hammilton,"

the show that made the Associated Press gush,

"Just because they say 'Hamilton' in every song

30 times, be warned, this show is not 'Hamilton.'"

So, don't wait. Go to HammiltonTheMusical.biz

to order your tickets to the Toni Award-winning

best musical, which our lawyers wanted us to clarify

was given by an audience member named Toni with an "I,"

and we'll see you on Broadway...

and 42nd, which is where you'll need to catch the 7th to Queens

transfer to the M12 bus line

Tuesdays and Thursdays, D8 bus all other days,

to reach the second basement of the abandoned

All Saints Church across from the Mattress Hub

at 51st Street and Lexington.

Please print out tickets as we do not scan

iPhones or printed tickets.

Recording of any kind is not allowed and could spook the pig.