Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

Okay, well, we have the day ahead of us.

Let's figure this out. What do we want to eat tonight?

Breakfast for supper!

No, we're not doing that.

Breakfast for supper! Breakfast for supper!

Breakfast for supper!

Well, I guess technically it is his last meal, so...

-Say what?! -I was just talking to myself.

♪♪

Daedalus: Icarus, don't fly too close to the sun.

Yeah, whatever, Daedalus! Whoa!

Yeah!

Icarus forever, motherfucker

♪♪

♪ I will widen your eyes ♪

♪ See so many wonders

♪ Multiple wonders

Oh! Ow, ow, ow!

[ Cat screeches, crashing ]

[ Both scream ]

Get the fuck out of here!

Helga was always a little off.

Nobody knew about her shrine to Arnold until after high school.

But by then, it was too late.

[ Paper tears ]

♪♪

Hey, Arnold. Now my shrine is complete.

[ Groans ]

Now we are one.

Would you fuck me?

I'd fuck me.

Oh, uh, are we making toast in here?

I'm gonna need you to be

an extra-brave little toaster today, okay?

Certainly. Won't your toast get soggy?

[ Both screaming, electricity crackling ]

Oh, Tarzan, how do you feel safe here

among all the wild beasts of the jungle?

Animals understand Tarzan.

Oh, tigers! Oh, no!

Oh, Tarzan talk to them.

-What are they saying? -Ha ha ha.

Tigers never shut up about their cubs.

Youngest cub just graduate cub school.

Oh, that is just darling.

[ Growling ]

Oh, my!

You disrespect Tarzan in front of Tarzan's woman?!

Now Tarzan beat your ass!

[ Grunting ]

Oh, Tarzan!

They looked like they were about to eat us both.

Jane safe with Tarzan around.

Tarzan, talk to them.

Uh, Tarzan not speak cannibal.

[ Video game music plays ]

Are you the young man who beat the high score on this game?

-Yes. -Then come with me!

I created the Starfighter game

as a test to find the perfect recruit.

You'll use all the battle skills you've acquired

to help save my planet!

-Interested? -Yeah, sure.

You ever flown light speed?

Yeah!

[ Farts ]

Are you the one who beat the high score

on the Fart Collector game?

Uh, I'll pass.

But you could help save the lives of millions of farts.

It's a hard pass.

Pizza Tots are ready.

Careful, Oscar, those Pizza Tots are hot out of the oven.

I'll be fine, Mom. Shut the fuck up!

[ Munching ]

How's the Pizza Tot, dear?

Announcer: Pizza Tots!

From the makers of Pizza Pockets!

They're not for pussies. They're for yo' mouth!

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,

eating her curds and whey.

Along came a radioactive spider to bite her.

Now Spider-Muffet web-slings away!

Killed by a lightning strike to the brain, died instantly.

Totally avoidable.

That's why you don't wear a tin helmet

when you're flying through the clouds.

Poor Grover.

Wait, Super Grover's secret identity was Grover?

[ Groans ]

Announcer: Hey, diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle.

The cow jumped over the moon.

[ Mooing ]

Man: Cow, this is Houston.

Mission abort. Repeat -- mission abort.

Debris from missile strike has caused a chain reaction.

Traveling faster than a bullet right at you!

Moo?

♪♪

Moo! Moo! Moo!

Mooooo!

I've got you.

Moo.

♪♪

Moooo!

Hang on!

[ Grunts ]

Oh, gross!

I have to let go. The wires can't hold us both.

Moo!

You're gonna make it, Cow.

You're gonna jump over that moon and get back to Earth.

Just promise me you'll never give up.

Moo, moo, moo.

I'll miss you, too.

Goodbye!

Moo!

Announcer: And the dish ran away with the spoon.

Mm! Mm!

But they didn't get far.

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

[ Door creaks ]

[ Door creaks ]

♪♪

Should we really be doing this? I don't know if I'm ready.

We shouldn't do anything if you're not ready.

Let's rejoin our friends.

I'll play you a song on my acoustic.

[ Guitar plays ]

[ Clapping ]

Ha! Awesome!

Hey, anyone want to light up some dank ganja with me?

No, thanks! I'm high on the fun we're having right now.

Actually, I have something even better than weed.

♪♪

The word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

And they all went to bed at a reasonable hour...

and picked up all their litter before leaving!

[ All scream ]

Wait a minute! You can talk?

Calvin, do you want to pee on me?

Ugh! Susie, I did not agree to those decals!

Some douche nozzle used my likeness without permission,

and suddenly, those things were everywhere, okay? God!

Okay, but if you wanted to, you could tell me.

I'm not interested in peeing on my wife.

How about now?

Oh fuckin' Ford.

Uh, maybe.

Hey, Calvin, I'm just gonna bounce.

Hey, let's play Don't Wake Daddy.

Hey, didn't her daddy die?

[ Thunder crashes ]

Okay, I'm first. [ Gasps ] Ooh.

Ha! You have to press Daddy's alarm clock, Alexis.

-Will he wake up? -Don't do it, Alexis.

Oh, please. It's totally fine.

[ Alarm ringing, thunder crashes ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Laughs ]

I told you not to wake Daddy!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Aah!

Hello! We're the Parker Brothers.

Hey, why'd you wake Daddy?

The game's literally called Don't Wake Daddy.

Then why did you even make it?

Oh, funny story, actually.

It all started at a wine and fancy cheese party we were invited to.

-[ Growls ] -My neck!

Anyway, it started out like any other fancy wine and cheese party.

Shut up! How do we kill the zombie?

With a trap -- a mouse trap!

Jesus H. Christ.

♪♪

[ Snarling ]

Now!

-[ Snarling ] -Oh!

Knew it! Mouse Trap never works.

No, it works.

It just takes an incredibly long time for a very small payoff.

Oh, I'm dead.

[ Laughs evilly ]

Now Daddy and I will be together forever!

Guess I'm in Trouble, huh?

Sorry I tried to end your game of Life.

You Hungry, Hungry Hippo.

Daddy!

Jenga, bitch!

Announcer: Make it a Parker Brothers night!

And I'm still dead.

[ Crying ] I don't want to take a nap.

I want to play outside.

[ Crying ] Oh! What happened to my life?!

I wanted to be a stock car racer!

How did 30 seconds of pleasure

turn into this never-ending nightmare?!

[ Crying ]

Daddy, there, there.

[ Laughing ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ] Alexa, stop the music.

Oh, this plan is idiotic.

Pretending to haunt this property

so my business partner would sell me his half?

He's not a child, for Christ's sakes.

Oh fuck it.

I'm burning it down and retiring to West Palm Beach.

[ Laughing ]

By this time next month,

I'll just be sunning myself, boobs everywhere the --

What? Those ghost-hunting teenagers.

Well, you don't suppose they --

Oh, no!

Kids?! [ Coughing ]

Kids, are you in here?!

♪♪

No! Oh, no!

You poor, stupid children.

Like, dude, help!

I can't carry you both. Come on, kid!

No! [ Coughs ] Save Scooby-Doo.

What?! You have your whole life ahead of you.

That dog looks middle-aged already.

I can't live [Coughs] without him.

[ Crashing ]

Sir, anyone alive in there?

A boy. He made me save the dog.

Wait, you saved the dog instead of the boy?

Are you out of your mind?!

Yes! Yes, I think I might be.

In the end, they blamed the whole thing on my partner.

He want to prison, and I got all the money.

Ha! And all it cost was four young lives.

Let me ask you, stranger,

could God ever forgive me for these sins?

Raybe Rod ran, but I rant.

You?!

[ Gurgling ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Slurps ]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.