Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

♪♪

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

♪♪

Yay, Slinky! How do you like it?!

Terrifying, eh? A bit nauseous?

Don't you love being thrown down the stairs?!

Oh, look! You didn't make it all the way down.

I'll tell you what, we'll try again.

Slinky, why?!

For my people! For my people!

Just turned 37.

Captain Planet, there's smog emergency here in China.

Oh, Planeteers, great.

Let me just press pause on that dump I was gonna take.

[ Coughing ] How many times do I have to tell people,

air pollution is a huge problem!

Captain, there has been oil spill at Dakota Access Pipeline.

We've gone over this so often.

Oil spills are deadly

for the indigenous creatures of this planet!

Captain, Captain!

Shut the Fuck up, all right?!

I'm not gonna keep saving this planet

if you people are just gonna keep destroying it!

But you have always helped us.

And it's a losing battle, Linka.

I'm just making up beds in a burning house here! Yeah.

Captain Planet, what's going on?

The humans of the earth are ruining you, Gaia.

Now, I've tried to teach them, but it's no use!

We have to start over.

So be it. What is happening?!

Children of humanity, today is your judgment day!

[ Screaming, Captain Planet laughing ]

I'm Captain Planet!

I'm taking out the trash!

[ Screaming ]

♪♪

What are you going to do with all your free time now?

I don't know. I still got that dump on deck.

Kiss me!

Where's this man who says he knows where my uncle

Benjen is?

For the watch. For the watch.

-For the watch. -For the watch.

It was slice to know you!

What the hell was that?

Oh, I was just mixing it up.

No. We're all supposed to say "For the watch."

That's the point -- for the watch, everyone.

But so many people had said that already.

I think he's got the point.

"Got the point!" Oh!

Should I stab him again and say that?

Yeah, you got the point! No.

Hey, what about, "Sorry, Jon.

I know I've always been kind of a prick."

Ha ha ha! 'Cause the sharp thing.

[ Laughing ] That's good!

It's "For the Fucking watch!"

Now say it. Fine. Sorry, guys, sorry.

I'm sorry. For the watch...

me stab you! Yeah!

Stop it!

Po! Po!

La-la! La-la! Po!

[ Giggling ]

Po! Po!

La-la! La-la!

♪♪

Oh, my fucking God! Shut up!

I'm tires of wasting my life as your captive audience!

[ Groans ]

Well, it happened --

I spent my entire life

watching you monkey-faced dildos bounce around,

and now my life is over.

But I'm getting the last laugh, fools!

[ Laughing ]

[ Groans ]

Huh?

[ Ice shattering ]

Solve the riddle of the sphinx or die!

Here it is. Cameron Crowe's 1992 grunge opus.

That's the riddle? Solve it or die!

Seven letters, second to last letter is an "E."

Are you working on a crossword puzzle?

That's none of your concern.

Uh, I'm pretty sure that movie was called "Singles."

Go ahead. You may pass.

Answer my riddle or die.

Another one?

Okay. Here it is!

Do you want to watch "Singles" at my house tonight?

Bridget Fonda just wants a guy

to say "bless you" when she sneezes.

That part will be important later.

Yeah, I saw this movie in 1992. I can't stop watching it.

I've seen it five times this week.

Thanks for the recommendation. It wasn't really a --

Riddle me this -- do you want to go in the bedroom?

Do I die if I answer incorrectly?

Only of horniness! Ha ha ha. Sorry. I'm nervous.

Argh!

Uh, how did you get lion herpes?

It's a riddle.

Whistle if you need anything.

You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?

Sure, you just put your lips together and you blow.

'Course I do.

[ Sputtering ]

Good night, Steve.

And in the wake of today's tragic shooting here in Houston,

I want to offer my prayers to my families who lost loved ones.

April O'Neil, New York Channel 6 News.

Mr. Mayor, what connection does the evil Shredder

have to today's shooting? I'm not sure what you mean.

There was a single suspect who later turned the gun on himself.

Mm-hmm. Is it time to bring in some new crime fighters?

I'm afraid we don't have the budget

for additional law enforcement.

I specifically meant the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I assume that's a private security company.

More guns on the streets aren't the answer.

They don't use guns, they use katanas, bo staffs,

nunchucks, and fork-like weapons called sais,

which were popularized by Frank Miller's "Electra" comics.

What are you wearing?

Standard issue reporter jumpsuit.

Dude, let her wear it.

You're asking if the City of Houston

should hire ninjas?

Yeah, they mostly work for pizza.

Miss O'Neil, what are you credentials exactly?

I am a ravishing reporter, and sometimes a trained ninja,

depending on which timeline we're in.

Uh, who's next? You.

J. Jonah Jameson, "Daily Bugle."

I demand you arrest Spider-Man.

He's a menace!

May I present to you the ninth wonder of the world --

the only flying elephant -- Dumbo!

[ Crows laughing ]

Did you ever see an elephant fly?

-I've seen a horse-fly. -I've seen a dragonfly.

I've seen a house fly.

I've seen a man eat his own butt!

Oh, what, we're not sharing anymore?

Angela?

Slender Man, I knew you'd find me one day.

I drew your picture all over my Trapper Keeper.

I need you to do things, Angela.

Anything for you, o Slender Man.

You know that little bitch in your math class -- Nicole?!

Yes, I hate her!

What do you want me to do, stab her, burn her -- what?

Invite her to your birthday party.

Um, what? Why?

It's time you two settled your differences.

Be the bigger person. But I hate her!

Don't fucking] argue with me, Angela!

I'm fucking Slender Man!

Okay, okay.

I need you to do something else. Anything!

Try to study an extra 30 minutes a day.

I think you'll see a marked improvement in your grades.

Uh...

You said you'd do anything

for Slender Man!

Is 30 minutes a day too fucking much to ask,

or should I go and ask that bitch Nicole?!

No, no, I'll do it! Now I must go...

[ Whooshing ]

Uh, hi, Nicole. Happy birthday, Angela.

I'm so glad you invited me to your party.

Angela! I need you to do something for me.

More caky for Slendy?

Ugh! Never meet your heroes!

Dear diary.

I wonder what I look like.

Am I beautiful? Am I ugly?

Will I ever know love?

Why won't Kevin look at me?

Uh! What does the surgeon general know.

He's probably full of shit!

♪♪

Parker, never come in here without new Spider-Man photos.

I need more, more, more!

I've got one right here, Mr. Jameson!

Gimme that! Get out! You have more? Get out!

♪♪

True love -- so pure, so secret.

Will I ever really know you, my Spider-Man?

Honey, listen, I love that we work together at the CIA,

but you have to tell me when you come home early.

What's going on?

Baby, this guy is a Russian agent

who had plastic surgery to take my place.

Just shoot him! No, baby,

he is the Russian agent!

There's only one way to be sure.

I'm gonna ask you a question that only my husband would know.

What's my favorite TV show.

Oh, I know, uh, "American Pickers."

"Price is Right"? Okay, strike that.

When's my birthday?

I should know that.

I should know that, too.

Uh, fine, whatever!

Okay, quick, what do I like most in bed?

Oh, uh -- is it butt stuff? Oh, when I come first!

Screw it.

So you see it was not a stone that made the soup,

it was all of you contributing ingredients.

And it was a huge shocker that none of you,

not a single one figured it out.

Never speak a word about this communal embarrassment.

Agreed? All: Agreed!

You have had an interesting week.

Your mother said the EMTs were called to your house.

Yes. And they had to use

the jaws of life.

I do not know because I was unconscious.

Because your penis was...

Stuck in the vacuum cleaner.

Because... Ugh...

I wanted to see what it was like to get a BJ from a Transformer.

Before you say anything, it's less weird than you think

because Transformers have gender,

and some of the character designs are really sexy.

And also on a tangential note,

vacuum cleaners really need a dead man's switch,

like lawn mowers for obvious reasons.

Okay. There's nothing wrong with having a rich fantasy life.

But when an individual can't discern imagination

from reality... Agh!

What's wrong? There's a yellow-eyed,

gray-skinned, big, fat dead circus freak in the closet!

Sounds like my mother-in-law.

Ha, I'm just kidding. Her eyes are hazel.

But let's get back to these worrisome delusions

about pop culture.

Hello, sailor. Oh, my gosh!

It's Aubrey Plaza from "Parks and Recreation,"

popularly shortened to "Parks and Rec."

And when I say popularly, that is a relative term,

because, boy, were your ratings terrible.

No offense. Shh. It's me --

your old pal Lenny.

Is Nick Offerman really earthy?

He seems really earthy. He loves woodworking.

The man's a treasure, but damn it, kid,

this is "Legion" on FX.

Didn't the hog-beast in the closet tip you off?

Wait, Chris Christie is on "Legion"?

Listen, you have hidden powers!

You can alter time and space.

I can?!

And once we team up, the two of us will--

Aagh! Oh, shit! Forget it, he's gone.

He's a teenage boy with the powers of a god.

He could be on Jupiter for all we know.

He could be anywhere, doing anything!

What are you doing with my vacuum cleaner?!

Nothing, Mom! Gosh!

Oh, it looked like your penis was in it!

I'm -- I'm burning toast.

Phew!

Called upon the fight the Decepticons once again,

Autobots transform and suck the--

Agh!

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Screaming stops, vacuum motor whirring ]

Stupid monkey.