Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

[ Clicking ] Are you there, God?

[ Phone chimes ]

It's me, Margaret.

God just ghosted me!

End of the line, Bonnie and Clyde.

[ Gunfire ]

[ Grunting ]

Cease fire, cease fire!

Okay, you boys want to explain why this perpetrator

was shot primarily in the dick area?

I mean, with so many guns, I figured I could just shoot him

in the dick and nobody would notice.

That was my thinking, as well.

This wasn't a carnival game, boys.

Captain, begging you pardon, but if he only got

hit in the dick and you were shooting, too --

Ah, ya got me!

Sorry, guys. I was just having fun.

[ Laughter ]

I'm still alive.

Oh, not for long.

[ Gunfire ]

[ Christmas music plays ]

♪♪

Ugh!

Thanks for always having my back, Kris.

You kiddin', Krampus?

BFFs forever [echoing] ever, ever...

Okay, everyone. Please welcome Jesus Christ into your lives.

[ Twinkle! ]

-'Sup? -[ Gasps ]

[ Bleats ]

Jesus, would it be cool if I sat next to y--

[ Both laughing ]

Ooh. Here.

[ Smacks lips, chuckles ]

-Uh! [ Bleats ] -Krampus, wait!

I mean, it's not his fault.

Krampus is just so sensitive, you know?

Shh. You're too giving, Kris Kringle.

Receive for once.

-Ooh! -This is such a bitch to open.

Oh, let me do this.

[ Grunts ] -It's just so hard.

Nnn!

[ Groans ] [ Liquid splashes ]

[ Laughs ] I got it on my hand.

Is it supposed to be this color?

I don't know. Is it supposed to taste so good?

[ Bleats, sobs ]

♪♪

You're doing just fine, Mrs. McDermott,

the C-section's going really --

[ Splat! ] Yeah!

Ooh! Tight fit. [ Baby crying ]

Well, good for you.

Congratulations, mommy. Here we go!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Huh. That's probably gonna make an increase in your copay.

[ Horns honking ]

Oh! Busy, busy, busy in Busytown!

No time to be busy! I'm too busy!

Hey, baby, Netflix and...busy?

[ Horns honking ]

[ Explosion ]

Man: Oh, my gosh, it looks like a massive 40-car pile up.

Who can find Goldbug?

Hey, there he is.

You're going to tell me about your relationship with Dan.

-So you know about that. -Not yet.

You haven't told me.

But you just said you knew.

I said you were going to tell me 33 seconds from now.

How can you know what I'm going to say

before I've said it but still say you don't know?

Because you haven't told me yet.

We will be here when you tell me.

Why do I need to tell you when you already know?

I won't know until you tell me.

-Tell you what?! -That you slept with Dan.

Aha! So you do know.

-Not yet. -Ugh!

So, in the future, I tell you that I slept with Dan,

which you already seem to know about,

even though you don't know because I haven't told you,

but you do know that I'm going to tell you

because even though I haven't told you, I have told you?!

Yeeeess.

[Voice breaking] You tell me now.

Fine. I slept with Dan.

No! [ Sobs ]

Laurie, how could you do this to me?

Ugh, Dan said you would act like this.

[ Sobbing ] I know!

I know!!

Mind if I join you?

If you have the will.

Baccarat is not a game for the timid.

Not a problem.

The names Bond, James Bond.

My name is Dickson Butts,

but you may call me...

Dicks In Butts.

[ Musical beat ]

This is not my table.

There are 31 ways to kill a man.

Today I will teach you method number one.

Kill them with kindness.

You look real good in that.

Compliments the shape of your face.

Thank you, sir!

They say you like Starbucks.

Here's a gift card for ya.

Oh! Thank you, sir!

-I love you, buddy. -I love you, too.

[ Thumping, Splat! ] Whoa!

Everyone got that?!

Soldiers: Sir, yes, sir!

♪♪

Bear hug! [ Laughs ]

[ Splat! ] Aah!

[ Thud! ]

-I love you! -Oh!

[ Splat! ] [ Laughs ]

No! [ Splat! ]

Captain Fellows, you are a true American hero.

It's an honor, sir.

[ Camera shutter clicks, crowd gasps ]

-Oh, hey. Ooh. -[ Laughs ]

Ooh! You almost killed me!

Feed me. Feed me.

Ay-tay.

Hug me.

Love me. Pet me.

[ Thud! ] Ooh.

[ Speaking native language ]

Woman: I'll never forget the genocide.

They took us from our homes.

They beat us and tortured us.

They wanted us to suffer.

Fucking burn, monster!

[ Laughs ]

Those who saw it said nothing.

♪♪

-[ Grunts ] -Ow, Mr. Piccolo. That hurt!

If you can whine, you can fight.

Aah!

Move, move, move, move!

What are you doing to him?

Piccolo, you're going up the river for the kidnapping,

brainwashing, radicalization, and training

of a minor in deadly combat.

You fools! Two giant space apes are coming to conquer Earth.

This four-year-old and I

are your only chance of stopping them.

Mr. Piccolo's gonna get the help he needs, son.

Want some McDonald's? -No need!

Mr. Piccolo gives me all the Senzu Beans I can eat!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kid, they don't need to know

about the, uh, Senzu Beans.

[ Indistinct babbling ]

Hm. Must be some new strain of Angel Dust.

Get in the van, you sicko!

Why have you brought me here, Apocalypse?

Do you remember your purpose, Magneto?

This is where your journey began.

You can choose to run away,

but destiny will keep calling your name.

And it is I.

What the hell is going on here?

Great. Humans.

-Away with you insects! -Away with us?

Um, m-maybe -- and I'm just thinking out loud here --

away with the numbnuts in the blue make up,

who thought it'd be a good idea to show up

at a genocide memorial in their Fucking Halloween costume!

Hey, Apocalypse, maybe we should go?

Yeah. I don't love standing at the site of one

of the world's greatest atrocities

with my buttcheeks hanging out of a purple thong.

The ascendants of Homo Superior will --

What did you just call me?

You're the homo with your boots.

W-- Prepare to meet your maker!

1.1 million Jews perished on this site

between 1940 and 1945.

Are you really threatening to add to the body count?

Silence! All shall bow before --

Did you say 1.1 million?

That is a stunning number.

You really need to take this tour.

[ Sad music plays ]

I had no idea.

Don't worry, Ross.

One day, you'll find your lobster.

[ Audience groans ]

What? Everyone knows lobsters mate for life.

You're wrong about the lobsters.

First, lobsters sense each other with their antenna,

kind of like when you check a girl out at a bar.

Then the female pees on the male --

also what I do at a bar.

[ Laughs ] I'm just serious.

Then they throw a few jabs at each other, and then,

if she's impressed, they move in together where she knights him,

then she takes off her shell, it's called molting,

but Aunt Heather calls it "Lauren, stop being a whore."

Anyways, they boink for about a week nonstop.

Then they even eat their molted shell -- weirdos.

Then she leaves, impregnated and never looking back.

That's how lobsters have sex.

How do I know? Because I am one!

[ Laughs evilly ]

Anyone want a handjob? [ Laugh track ]

[ Whistles ] Children, meet your new nanny.

Fraulein Puddin'

What is up, Fuck Nazis?

[ Clears throat ] Meet the Von Trapp family.

Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Kurt, Brigitta, Marta, and Gretl.

Damn! Did your wife have a pussy or a cannon?

-Their mother is dead. -Ohhh.

My condolences...shithead!

Learn their names by tomorrow.

Slut-butt, Shit-facts, Scroat-boat, Dick lick,

Fart Knocker, Handslam, and Mommy Killer.

N...Close enough.

The Fuck is with this cheap-ass pee-orange schiesse.

Captain Von Honda Silver Up His Butthole

thinks I'm gonna raise his snot-nosed spunk deposits?

[ Lightning crashes ]

Fraulein Puddin', we're scared.

Me, too, pussy.

Know what I like to do when I'm scared?

-Sing? -Fuck yeah, sing.

[ Guitar strums ]

♪ Scroat, a word I like to say

♪ Taint, a word I also use

♪ Hairy balls and crusty snatch ♪

♪ Also penis-sucking cooch

Damn! Who passed out sheet music?!

♪ Fuck face, tea-bagger, and jag ♪

♪ Buttmunch, hanging dinglebag

♪ Drippy flaming slag

♪ And it brings us back to scroat, scroat, scroat, scroat ♪

♪ Scroat, a word I like to say

♪ Taint, a word I also use ♪ Singing good

♪ You can fuck ♪ Hairy balls and crusty snatch ♪

♪ And also penis-sucking cooch ♪ Everyone

♪ Scroat, scroat, scroat, scroat ♪ Aah!

♪ Scroat, scroat, scroat, scroat ♪

♪ Scroat, scroat, scroat, scroat ♪

[ Coughs ] Oh!

Fraulein Puddin', what is the meaning of this?

Scroat -- They're the tiny, shriveled robin's eggs

hanging under your hairy uncut wiener schnitzel, sir.

-You're fired. -Fine!

I don't give a shit.

I ain't gonna miss those turd piles.

Not even little Mommy Killer.

-[ Crying ] -What's the matter?

Hitler got your dick?

Actually, I've been drafted.

And also, I'm in love with you.

Da Fuck

What about Baroness Big Bushy Von Cameltoe?

I'm cool.

♪ Adieu, fucknuts

♪ Adieu, Scrotum sucking shithats ♪

♪ Adieu

♪ Adieu

♪ Fuck you

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoo!

There's no time for the encore.

The Nazis are here.

Listen, Uncle Wilted Foreskin,

I didn't escape no beaver-banging convent,

teach a bunch of repressed Aryan brats

how to sing their feelin's, marry rich, and rise to the top,

own the mutha fucker Salzburg music charts to just walk away.

Now, let's get back out there!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Our next number's called...

See You in Hell!

[ Laughs ]

[ People screaming ]

Oh, my God!

[ Laughter ]

[ Explosion ]

[ Laughs ]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.