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1
00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:03,936
[ Whirring ]
2
00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:06,005
[ Theme music plays ]
3
00:00:08,474 --> 00:00:10,410
[ Whirring ]
4
00:00:10,476 --> 00:00:17,250
♪♪
5
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:18,685
Man: It's alive!
6
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:22,689
♪♪
7
00:00:22,755 --> 00:00:26,726
♪♪
8
00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:27,861
[ Thunder rumbles ]
9
00:00:27,927 --> 00:00:32,532
♪♪
10
00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:37,236
♪♪
11
00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:39,238
You'll never get me to talk.
12
00:00:39,304 --> 00:00:43,043
Perhaps you'd like to see your
wife again, Mr. Potato Head.
13
00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:46,579
No! No! No!
14
00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:51,918
Archie, you better not
be up to any mischief,
15
00:00:51,984 --> 00:00:53,352
or it's detention.
16
00:00:53,419 --> 00:00:54,954
Gosh, Miss Grundy,
I don't have time for mischief,
17
00:00:55,021 --> 00:00:57,123
what, with all
the homework you give us.
18
00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:59,057
Oh, wow.
It's so hot.
19
00:00:59,124 --> 00:01:03,263
Oh, my! That is some grade-A
ginger beef right there.
20
00:01:03,329 --> 00:01:05,531
Ahem, give you
a lift home, Archie?
21
00:01:05,598 --> 00:01:07,566
Jeepers, Miss Grundy,
that would be swell.
22
00:01:07,633 --> 00:01:09,736
Listen, Archie,
you're never going to get
23
00:01:09,802 --> 00:01:11,271
a passing grade
in my class.
24
00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:12,738
Aw, shucks.
25
00:01:12,804 --> 00:01:16,176
However, I'll give you an "A"
if you give me the "D"...
26
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,210
in the "A."
27
00:01:18,277 --> 00:01:21,948
Oh, Archie! Oh!
28
00:01:22,014 --> 00:01:24,249
Oh, why can't I resist
that silver minx?
29
00:01:24,316 --> 00:01:27,453
She's like a fine steak,
aged to perfection.
30
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,656
-Oopsy!
-Oh!
31
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,424
[ Both moaning ]
32
00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:33,993
-Oh, Archie!
-Oh, Miss Grundy!
33
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:36,929
-Call me Geraldine.
-Well, somehow that's
even grosser sounding
34
00:01:36,996 --> 00:01:38,398
than Miss Grundy.
35
00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:41,033
Mmm, mmm! Oh, your tongue
is rough. Hmm.
36
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,469
You've a bad girl,
Miss Grundy!
37
00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:43,669
Is that
the best you've got?
38
00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:45,738
Hi, I'm producer
Greg Berlanti.
39
00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:47,673
You're watching the original
un-aired pilot
40
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:49,408
for "Riverdale" on the CW.
41
00:01:49,475 --> 00:01:51,177
The first note
from the network was
42
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:52,778
"For the love of all
that's holy,
43
00:01:52,845 --> 00:01:56,182
please make Miss Grundy 22
instead of 82."
44
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:57,250
Bad note, but whatevs.
45
00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:59,351
Their second note
was to definitely
46
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cut this next part
out of the script.
47
00:02:01,554 --> 00:02:04,290
Who's up for a human
centipede --
48
00:02:04,357 --> 00:02:07,226
with cheese?!
49
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:10,963
Encyclopedia Brown, who forgot
to flush the toilet again?
50
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:12,298
For the answer
to the mystery
51
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:14,167
of who forgot to flush
the toilet again,
52
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:17,336
turn to page 196.
53
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:20,139
It was me!
54
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,408
I hate snakes, Jock,
I hate 'em!
55
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:26,112
Henry, I know you're taking
the divorce very hard,
56
00:02:26,179 --> 00:02:27,746
but there's someone
I want you to meet.
57
00:02:27,813 --> 00:02:29,982
Steven?
-Hiya, sssport!
58
00:02:30,049 --> 00:02:33,987
Your mom sssays you're
a real sspecial guy!
59
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,188
How'd you like
a catchersss mitt?
60
00:02:36,255 --> 00:02:38,558
Huh, little man?
-I'll never love you!
61
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,193
Henry! Oh!
62
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,229
Give him sssome time.
63
00:02:44,964 --> 00:02:46,866
You've got a ssswell...
64
00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:50,237
ssssssson there.
65
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:53,906
[ Applause ]
66
00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:56,942
Hey, legless,
you're in my seat.
67
00:02:57,009 --> 00:03:00,346
Now, sssir,
you're sssloshed.
68
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:04,083
I think it would be better
for everyone if you'd ssscram.
69
00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:08,855
Why don't you unhinge that jaw
and ssssuck my cock?
70
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,957
Stop!
You'll kill him!
71
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,058
Aah!
72
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,325
I don't know, Indy,
73
00:03:13,392 --> 00:03:15,294
it doesn't sound like any of
that was the snake's fault.
74
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,598
Also,
he swallowed my mother.
75
00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,233
Wow, talk about
burying the lead.
76
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:23,436
Rock, paper, scissors.
77
00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:27,306
Shoot! Oh!
Rock beats scissors.
78
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:31,344
Narrator:
Edward threw "paper" that time,
but how could she know?
79
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:34,113
How could she know?
80
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,449
Man: As kids, we attained
the ability to transform
81
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:38,017
into any animal we touched.
82
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:41,020
Yeah, we're Animorphs,
and we're in college, yo!
83
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:44,024
[ Cats meow ]
84
00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:46,060
[ Purring ]
85
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:51,530
Ha ha, yeah!
All right! High-five!
86
00:03:51,597 --> 00:03:54,099
Man #2: Oh, Cassie,
you're a girl and I'm --
87
00:03:54,166 --> 00:03:56,202
-This is gonna make
my father furious!
-Bark, bark, bark!
88
00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:58,037
Bark!
-Whoa?!
89
00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:00,340
I knew
you were cheating on me!
90
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,743
-Jake, I can explain!
-[ Cries ]
91
00:04:04,009 --> 00:04:07,781
Hey, just out of curiosity, what
was your explanation gonna be?
92
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:11,984
Oh, no.
We forgot to study!
93
00:04:12,051 --> 00:04:14,688
No worries.
I got this.
94
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:19,526
[ Buzzing ]
95
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,827
Oh, God!
96
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,628
Marco!
97
00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:25,698
Man #3:
So, Dexter, tell me why you
think you're M.I.T. material.
98
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,801
Surely you are joking!
I see.
99
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:30,402
Trying to justify
your salary.
100
00:04:30,469 --> 00:04:32,204
Well,
I was a boy genius.
101
00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:34,340
I built a secret laboratory
at age seven
102
00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:36,441
where I created
brilliant inventions.
103
00:04:36,508 --> 00:04:39,278
Right, but I don't see
any extracurriculars here.
104
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:42,181
Um, extracurriculars?
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
105
00:04:42,248 --> 00:04:44,817
Like, you know, sports,
clubs, student council,
106
00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:46,552
a single kiss
from a girl.
107
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,087
I can clone
human beings.
108
00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:51,424
I've made time machine
and a time expansion helmet.
109
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:54,028
So no extracurriculars?
110
00:04:56,028 --> 00:04:59,365
[ Groans angrily ]
I'll show you extracurriculars.
111
00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:02,803
[ Laughs ]
112
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:05,338
♪♪
113
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:08,007
Dexter, Dexter,
guess what?!
114
00:05:08,074 --> 00:05:10,343
I got into M. I. T.,
Harvard, and Yale
115
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:14,815
because I'm so
well-rounded!
116
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:20,320
What were the last two?
117
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:22,188
Harvard and Yale!
118
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:25,358
Harvard and Yale.
[ Laughs ]
119
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:26,759
At last!
120
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,029
A mini bust of
Burgess Merediths' 1966 Penguin.
121
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:31,530
Ah!
122
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:35,034
Oh, not that my collection of
nerd paraphernalia is complete,
123
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:36,736
I can finally start
living a life
124
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:38,704
of rewarding
personal relationships
125
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:41,741
and get on a healthy regiment
of diet and exercise.
126
00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:45,244
[ Breathes heavily ]
127
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:48,415
Get, get --
Get right on that.
128
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:52,318
♪♪
129
00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:56,455
Man-E Faces,
you are...not the father!
130
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,324
I knew it! Yes!
131
00:05:58,391 --> 00:05:59,559
But are!
132
00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:01,394
Aw, damn it!
133
00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:05,164
[ Robotically ] Cash me outside.
How 'bout that?!
134
00:06:05,231 --> 00:06:09,468
Livewire, Toyman, show me your
plans to destroy Supergirl
135
00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,037
and I will fund
the best idea.
136
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,038
Feast your eyes,
Maxwell Lord.
137
00:06:13,105 --> 00:06:16,942
A military assault vehicle
made out of pure kryptonite.
138
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:18,811
-Very intriguing.
-What the hell is that?
139
00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:21,113
-Kryptonite vibrator.
-That is absurd.
140
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:24,216
Why not make a kryptonite sword
or use kryptonite bullets?
141
00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:27,754
This way, she does
all the work for us.
142
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:28,854
That's --
that's idiotic!
143
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:30,756
Tell you what,
I'll fund both projects,
144
00:06:30,823 --> 00:06:33,360
then we'll see who kills
Supergirl first.
145
00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:38,732
The time has arrived.
Livewire, show me your device.
146
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,266
[ Rattling ]
147
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,601
Money well spent.
Toyman, your turn.
148
00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:44,837
Oh, me, ready for me --
um, okay, here we go.
149
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,306
So I might have
over-promised.
150
00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:49,141
It turns out there's a reason
Ford and GM
151
00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:51,043
don't build cars
out of fucking rock.
152
00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:54,914
Well, at any rate, now it's time
to kill Supergirl.
153
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,649
-Now?!
-Now?!
154
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,884
[ Laughs ]
155
00:06:58,951 --> 00:07:02,690
There she is!
Run her down! [ Laughs ]
156
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:05,324
No matter.
Fire the weapons.
157
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:07,526
Uh, yeah,
so no weapons.
158
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,929
I actually spent my entire
budget on the stone workers.
159
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:11,063
Freakin' prima donnas.
160
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,665
They all think
they're Michelangelo.
161
00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:15,202
Ow! Ooh!
Livewire, you're up.
162
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:16,769
Look.
Um...
163
00:07:16,836 --> 00:07:18,838
I tried to make
a kryptonite vibrator,
164
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:21,907
but I ran out of time,
so I painted a regular vibrator
165
00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:23,342
with
glow-in-the-dark paint.
166
00:07:23,409 --> 00:07:26,979
Just take it. Please, please?
I'll give you $5.
167
00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:29,615
Come on, take it.
Take it, take it.
168
00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:30,916
You're making me look
like a real asshole
169
00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:32,685
in front of my friends.
-[ Groans ]
170
00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:34,487
All right.
171
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:38,057
I really
shouldn't but...
172
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,525
It's a Tuesday.
173
00:07:39,592 --> 00:07:43,363
[ Bell tolls ]
174
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,797
I lied!
175
00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:46,498
It really was
a kryptonite vibrator.
176
00:07:46,565 --> 00:07:49,835
So you mean to tell me that
Supergirl accepted a vibrator
177
00:07:49,902 --> 00:07:51,837
a super-villain handed
to her on the street
178
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:55,241
and actually put into her--
-This is a Goddamn funeral!
179
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,877
Oh, I'm so happy
to have my boys home
180
00:07:57,944 --> 00:07:59,312
from a long day
of fighting.
181
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:02,581
Oh, no!
Grandma's having a stroke!
182
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:06,786
But whatever does not
kill us makes us stronger.
183
00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:08,588
Up your butt,
Nietzsche!
184
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,156
Ow, mein arm!
185
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,925
Ah!
186
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,861
Yah!
187
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,097
[ Zapping ]
188
00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:19,932
Announcer:
And now watch a guy named Chet
189
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:23,036
choose a girlfriend
by dating her mom!
190
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,271
It's MTV's "Date My Mom!"
191
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:28,941
A castle?
This family's loaded!
192
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,409
Just call me Belle.
193
00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:33,145
I like Belle 'cause
she's super smart and shit.
194
00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:35,648
She was reading on our date
and using big words and shit,
195
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,116
so that's kind of hot.
196
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,584
So tell me
about your daughter.
197
00:08:38,651 --> 00:08:40,085
She loves reading Tolstoy
198
00:08:40,152 --> 00:08:41,721
and Gabrielle Garcia Marquez
and--
199
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:44,090
Totally. Same.
Is she hot, though?
200
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,426
[ Doorbell rings ]
201
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:47,760
Whoa!
202
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:51,197
I wouldn't mind Mrs. Rabbit
gnawing on this carrot.
203
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,965
So tell me
about your daughter.
204
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:56,269
Well, she's so sweet
and gets very good grades.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
205
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,569
Uh-huh. Huh?
206
00:08:57,636 --> 00:08:59,538
The best part of my date
with Mrs. Rabbit
207
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,206
was when she had big boobs.
208
00:09:01,273 --> 00:09:04,544
The worst part was when I had
to throw away my swim trunks
209
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:05,712
'cause I peed white.
210
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:08,848
Yeah, he did jizz
his pants a few times.
211
00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:12,653
I pretended not to notice,
but I definitely noticed.
212
00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:17,857
My final date is
with a bear, seriously?
213
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:20,359
[ Growls ]
214
00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:22,795
You want me to ask them
to put up the bumpers?
215
00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,930
-[ Roars ]
-Okay, okay, no bumpers!
216
00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:28,033
The worst part of my date, when
the bear mauled a little boy.
217
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:30,002
I watched the light
leave his eyes,
218
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,338
and I realized life is fleeting
219
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,040
and we gotta make
the most of it.
220
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,809
Tomorrow, I'm gonna
choose the big-boob lady.
221
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:39,145
Belle, I had
a chill time with you.
222
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:42,482
But time spent reading
is time not boning!
223
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:45,284
Sorry. I do not want
to date your daughter.
224
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:48,921
No, no, rejected.
Get back in the limo.
225
00:09:48,987 --> 00:09:52,191
Bear, you're a bear, and I'm
afraid your daughter is a bear.
226
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,227
So I do not want
to date your bear.
227
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:56,229
[ Roars ]
228
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,831
Damn!
That bear is hot!
229
00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:02,167
So, yeah, Mrs. Rabbit,
I obviously chose your daughter.
230
00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:04,470
Let's see her!
Come on, baby! Bring her out!
231
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:05,971
[ Laughs ]
232
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:08,340
-No!
-Give me a kiss!
233
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:10,409
Can I take it all back?
Is the bear-girl still here?
234
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:13,246
-Please!
-Start making babies, you two.
235
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:14,747
-Oh, yeah!
-No, no!
236
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:16,315
-Babies, give me!
-No, no, no!
237
00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:21,955
I...
238
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:28,595
fuuuuccckkkkkk
239
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:33,834
your...
240
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:38,871
mo...
241
00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:40,239
mmm.
242
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:41,575
Slow burn.
243
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,576
♪♪
244
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,610
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
245
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:45,945
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
246
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,947
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
247
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,115
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
248
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,450
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
249
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,284
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
250
00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:53,285
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
251
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:54,620
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
252
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:56,623
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
253
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,826
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
17941
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