Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

♪♪

You'll never get me to talk.

Perhaps you'd like to see your wife again, Mr. Potato Head.

No! No! No!

Archie, you better not be up to any mischief,

or it's detention.

Gosh, Miss Grundy, I don't have time for mischief,

what, with all the homework you give us.

Oh, wow. It's so hot.

Oh, my! That is some grade-A ginger beef right there.

Ahem, give you a lift home, Archie?

Jeepers, Miss Grundy, that would be swell.

Listen, Archie, you're never going to get

a passing grade in my class.

Aw, shucks.

However, I'll give you an "A" if you give me the "D"...

in the "A."

Oh, Archie! Oh!

Oh, why can't I resist that silver minx?

She's like a fine steak, aged to perfection.

-Oopsy! -Oh!

[ Both moaning ]

-Oh, Archie! -Oh, Miss Grundy!

-Call me Geraldine. -Well, somehow that's even grosser sounding

than Miss Grundy.

Mmm, mmm! Oh, your tongue is rough. Hmm.

You've a bad girl, Miss Grundy!

Is that the best you've got?

Hi, I'm producer Greg Berlanti.

You're watching the original un-aired pilot

for "Riverdale" on the CW.

The first note from the network was

"For the love of all that's holy,

please make Miss Grundy 22 instead of 82."

Bad note, but whatevs.

Their second note was to definitely

cut this next part out of the script.

Who's up for a human centipede --

with cheese?!

Encyclopedia Brown, who forgot to flush the toilet again?

For the answer to the mystery

of who forgot to flush the toilet again,

turn to page 196.

It was me!

I hate snakes, Jock, I hate 'em!

Henry, I know you're taking the divorce very hard,

but there's someone I want you to meet.

Steven? -Hiya, sssport!

Your mom sssays you're a real sspecial guy!

How'd you like a catchersss mitt?

Huh, little man? -I'll never love you!

Henry! Oh!

Give him sssome time.

You've got a ssswell...

ssssssson there.

[ Applause ]

Hey, legless, you're in my seat.

Now, sssir, you're sssloshed.

I think it would be better for everyone if you'd ssscram.

Why don't you unhinge that jaw and ssssuck my cock?

Stop! You'll kill him!

Aah!

I don't know, Indy,

it doesn't sound like any of that was the snake's fault.

Also, he swallowed my mother.

Wow, talk about burying the lead.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Shoot! Oh! Rock beats scissors.

Narrator: Edward threw "paper" that time, but how could she know?

How could she know?

Man: As kids, we attained the ability to transform

into any animal we touched.

Yeah, we're Animorphs, and we're in college, yo!

[ Cats meow ]

[ Purring ]

Ha ha, yeah! All right! High-five!

Man #2: Oh, Cassie, you're a girl and I'm --

-This is gonna make my father furious! -Bark, bark, bark!

Bark! -Whoa?!

I knew you were cheating on me!

-Jake, I can explain! -[ Cries ]

Hey, just out of curiosity, what was your explanation gonna be?

Oh, no. We forgot to study!

No worries. I got this.

[ Buzzing ]

Oh, God!

Marco!

Man #3: So, Dexter, tell me why you think you're M.I.T. material.

Surely you are joking! I see.

Trying to justify your salary.

Well, I was a boy genius.

I built a secret laboratory at age seven

where I created brilliant inventions.

Right, but I don't see any extracurriculars here.

Um, extracurriculars? I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Like, you know, sports, clubs, student council,

a single kiss from a girl.

I can clone human beings.

I've made time machine and a time expansion helmet.

So no extracurriculars?

[ Groans angrily ] I'll show you extracurriculars.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Dexter, Dexter, guess what?!

I got into M. I. T., Harvard, and Yale

because I'm so well-rounded!

What were the last two?

Harvard and Yale!

Harvard and Yale. [ Laughs ]

At last!

A mini bust of Burgess Merediths' 1966 Penguin.

Ah!

Oh, not that my collection of nerd paraphernalia is complete,

I can finally start living a life

of rewarding personal relationships

and get on a healthy regiment of diet and exercise.

[ Breathes heavily ]

Get, get -- Get right on that.

♪♪

Man-E Faces, you are...not the father!

I knew it! Yes!

But are!

Aw, damn it!

[ Robotically ] Cash me outside. How 'bout that?!

Livewire, Toyman, show me your plans to destroy Supergirl

and I will fund the best idea.

Feast your eyes, Maxwell Lord.

A military assault vehicle made out of pure kryptonite.

-Very intriguing. -What the hell is that?

-Kryptonite vibrator. -That is absurd.

Why not make a kryptonite sword or use kryptonite bullets?

This way, she does all the work for us.

That's -- that's idiotic!

Tell you what, I'll fund both projects,

then we'll see who kills Supergirl first.

The time has arrived. Livewire, show me your device.

[ Rattling ]

Money well spent. Toyman, your turn.

Oh, me, ready for me -- um, okay, here we go.

So I might have over-promised.

It turns out there's a reason Ford and GM

don't build cars out of fucking rock.

Well, at any rate, now it's time to kill Supergirl.

-Now?! -Now?!

[ Laughs ]

There she is! Run her down! [ Laughs ]

No matter. Fire the weapons.

Uh, yeah, so no weapons.

I actually spent my entire budget on the stone workers.

Freakin' prima donnas.

They all think they're Michelangelo.

Ow! Ooh! Livewire, you're up.

Look. Um...

I tried to make a kryptonite vibrator,

but I ran out of time, so I painted a regular vibrator

with glow-in-the-dark paint.

Just take it. Please, please? I'll give you $5.

Come on, take it. Take it, take it.

You're making me look like a real asshole

in front of my friends. -[ Groans ]

All right.

I really shouldn't but...

It's a Tuesday.

[ Bell tolls ]

I lied!

It really was a kryptonite vibrator.

So you mean to tell me that Supergirl accepted a vibrator

a super-villain handed to her on the street

and actually put into her-- -This is a Goddamn funeral!

Oh, I'm so happy to have my boys home

from a long day of fighting.

Oh, no! Grandma's having a stroke!

But whatever does not kill us makes us stronger.

Up your butt, Nietzsche!

Ow, mein arm!

Ah!

Yah!

[ Zapping ]

Announcer: And now watch a guy named Chet

choose a girlfriend by dating her mom!

It's MTV's "Date My Mom!"

A castle? This family's loaded!

Just call me Belle.

I like Belle 'cause she's super smart and shit.

She was reading on our date and using big words and shit,

so that's kind of hot.

So tell me about your daughter.

She loves reading Tolstoy

and Gabrielle Garcia Marquez and--

Totally. Same. Is she hot, though?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Whoa!

I wouldn't mind Mrs. Rabbit gnawing on this carrot.

So tell me about your daughter.

Well, she's so sweet and gets very good grades. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Huh?

The best part of my date with Mrs. Rabbit

was when she had big boobs.

The worst part was when I had to throw away my swim trunks

'cause I peed white.

Yeah, he did jizz his pants a few times.

I pretended not to notice, but I definitely noticed.

My final date is with a bear, seriously?

[ Growls ]

You want me to ask them to put up the bumpers?

-[ Roars ] -Okay, okay, no bumpers!

The worst part of my date, when the bear mauled a little boy.

I watched the light leave his eyes,

and I realized life is fleeting

and we gotta make the most of it.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna choose the big-boob lady.

Belle, I had a chill time with you.

But time spent reading is time not boning!

Sorry. I do not want to date your daughter.

No, no, rejected. Get back in the limo.

Bear, you're a bear, and I'm afraid your daughter is a bear.

So I do not want to date your bear.

[ Roars ]

Damn! That bear is hot!

So, yeah, Mrs. Rabbit, I obviously chose your daughter.

Let's see her! Come on, baby! Bring her out!

[ Laughs ]

-No! -Give me a kiss!

Can I take it all back? Is the bear-girl still here?

-Please! -Start making babies, you two.

-Oh, yeah! -No, no!

-Babies, give me! -No, no, no!

I...

fuuuuccckkkkkk

your...

mo...

mmm.

Slow burn.

♪♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.