Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

Shame! Shame! [ Sheeps baaing "shame" ]

Shame! Shame!

Excellent. So, you're not going to talk.

Then how about a dip in my lava Jacuzzi?

[ Clears throat ] Megatron,

you're sure this is a Maximal in disguise

and not just a plain, old panda?

Of course, Scorponok. Look at his smug face.

[ Panda squeaking ]

I'm just asking 'cause these little guys are endangered,

and, well, pretty adorbs.

Yes, I'm -- I'm not a monster.

I wouldn't murder a real panda.

You're loving this, aren't you?

[ Panda laughs ]

-Eat hot lava, Maximal! -Aah, no!

Sir! He's so helpless and so cute!

Cute!

Ohh, he's such a little baby!

Oh, my God, did you see that?!

Wow, I was really ready to do it.

I mean, who am I anymore?

It's the war. Been out here too long, Megatron.

Yes. I may have PTSD,

but that is a fucking Maximal.

[ Gasps ] Holy shit, that was close.

Oh, phew!

Shit, that's the deepest character work I've ever done.

Oh, my God, I almost fucking died!

[ Panda screeching ]

[ Dumpster wheels squeaking ]

♪ Hello, mama, what's cookin' on the stove today? ♪

Oh, my baby's home for Thanksgiving.

Michigan, say hello to your cousin.

[ Dramatic chord plays ]

Oh, hello, Pepe.

How about that election, huh?

Bet you Hollywood types aren't happy.

Hollywood types? Educated types?

Folks-with-all-their-teeth types?

Literally-the-whole-planet types?

Now, boys!

Ohh, I'm sowwy.

Feels bad, man.

Does the special snowflake need his blankie?

Could you salt these potatoes with your liberal tears?

Ohh! Get my mother's potatoes

out of your Nazi fuck-ing mouth

[ Both grunting ]

[ Doors lock ]

I'm not a Nazi, Michigan.

I'm just scared of the future.

Guys like me are getting left behind.

I know you're not a bad dude, Pepe.

You used to be a fun, hilarious guy

until you were co-opted by those

Alt-Right shit buckets for their own nefarious purposes.

They took something pure and perverted it.

They owe your creator -- I mean, your dad -- a big apology.

Frogs, you've been bailed out.

-By who? -By future generations.

They'll be cleaning up the Dumpster fire

your generation started for decades.

[ Laughs ] Nah, I'm playing.

This old lady bailed you out.

Come home for pumpkin pie, boys!

This has been the best Thanksgiving ever!

And maybe this president won't be so bad!

[ Laughter ]

[ Explosion ]

I hate children!

Ever since Monster Mountain was shrunk down and sent here,

we've been too tiny and pocket-sized to scare them!

[ Grunts ] -[ Grunts ]

That good, concise summary of things we already knew, rah!

-Boo! -[ Screams ]

[ Panting ]

[ Laughs ] Screams make us bigger.

If we scare people, we'll return to full size.

And then we will be unstoppable!

The world will be ours! -Rah!

You not need hold our hands. We get it, rah.

Look, the evil monsters got bigger when the child screamed.

But we're good monsters and don't want to make kids scream.

Let's make them scream with laughter, man.

What? Talking bugs?

[ Laughing ] Oh, man, I'm so wasted.

Uh, uh, we'll get bigger every time you laugh.

Okay, make me laugh, bugs.

Why do golfers bring two pair of pants, man?

In case they get a hole in one.

Cool. I think I hear my weed calling, so...

I'm-a go. -Wait. Got to read the room.

[ Clears throat ] Um, a guy's buying condoms.

Cashier says, "You want a bag?"

The guy says, "No, thanks. She's not that ugly."

-Ha, ha, ha! -But, look, we're growing.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

[ Laughs ]

I don't get it, man.

Sorry, villains.

Joy will defeat fear every time.

Say, man, where'd the mummy go? [ Cellphone chimes ]

Hmm, "Following my dreams." Signed, "Mummy"?

We've got a great show tonight, okay?

Fetty Wap is here, okay? Stick around.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Pizza, pizza.

Aww!

Et tu, Brute, Brute?

I'd build you a shield, but I'm too hungry.

My favorite food is three apples.

If I had two more apples,

I'd have the strength to build a shield.

I can't use this. I can't use this.

Wait, what is this? What are you showing me?

There's a world beyond this room?

[ Sighs ]

It's so big. I had no idea.

I love making potions.

I just wish I had enough spring water.

Ha-ha! Okay.

I love making potions!

I just wish -- -Get away from me, man!

-I love making -- -I said get away!

Miss, Miss, I need help.

Do you know where I left my hat?

I think I saw it over by the tree.

-No! -I need 10 fish scales

to build a chain mail.

Would you like to save your game?

We're slaves! Wake up, people!

[ Yawns ] I need four coins to wake up.

You've cursed me with this knowledge,

this unattainable promise of more!

I want things to go back to how they were.

[ Sobs ] Thank you!

Yum! Now I can build you a shield.

[ Hammer clanks ]

No! No! Apples and shields.

That's all there is. Apples and shields.

They're called Creepy Crawlers.

You squirt the liquid into these molds,

then stick them in this heater at 390 degrees.

When the kids pull them out,

they get icky, sticky, weird creatures.

What kind of dumbass would buy this crap for their kid?

Oh, hush, dear. I'll fill the molds, and you can bake them.

[ Oven sizzling ]

Hmm. I'm not getting any younger here.

[ Screams ] -[ Screaming ]

[ Muffled screams ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Sobs ] Where is my husband?!

No, no!

Nobody died. Approved!

Martini time!

I'm not racist, but...

This is for bachelor number three.

I think a man's voice is his sexiest attribute.

Uh...

[ Chuckles nervously ]

My name is Professor Wile E. Coyote.

Welcome to Criminology 101, or as I like to call it,

"How to Get Away With Murder."

I present to you now the most diabolical

and un-solvable murder of all time,

clearly perpetrated by a super-genius.

The victim, a Mr. Road Runner, Accelerati incredibilus.

His remains were found here in a shallow grave.

Nearby, receipts from the Acme Corporation

stained with the Road Runner's blood.

How did the killer combine these objects

into a clockwork-precise homicide delivery system?

Uh, I doubt he did.

-Excuse me? -Ball bearings?

A hang glider? Birdseed?

A giant U-shaped magnet?

Most killers are dumb. Occam's razor, right?

That Road Runner probably got hit by a car.

The killer was not dumb.

He was -- -[ Yawns ]

That does it! Field trip!

I was just taking this class as an elective,

and now I'm in the butt-fucking desert.

Now, watch. I poured the birdseed on the road.

Then the ball bearings go in the birdseed like so.

Try putting ball bearings in your oatmeal tomorrow

and see if you notice or not. Christ!

Watch closely, and tell me it's not

diabolical in its precision!

[ Sighs ] I whish I brought a Lunchable.

I love Lunchables.

Acme is mandated by the Department of Homeland Security

to post lists of individuals

who purchase rocket-powered merchandise.

-Everyone knows that! -Fuck off, James.

According to Acme, they only sold one

rocket-powered hang glider ever!

To that guy!

[ Screaming ]

[ Groaning ]

Thanks to you kids,

the Road Runner's murder is solved.

It's funny.

If Professor Coyote had just hit the Road Runner

with his car, nobody would have known.

He was brought down by his own ego.

Who wants Lunchables?

Uh, me. I do.

♪♪

Whoo!

Mary-Kate and Ashley Do Tijuana!

Party!

Jet skis!

Lunch!

More agua, señoritas?

Enjoying your vacatión? Dónde está your parents?

IDK. Arizona?

Perfecto!

[ Laughs ]

I had so many, uh, Shirley-a Temples

I can't even remember which twin I am.

Eek!

No! Ashley!

Wait, am I Ashley?

I will find you because I have skills --

a very particular set of skills,

like tap-dancing and looking cute while riding a horse!

I'm gonna save you! -Oh, my God, no!

I'm saving you! -Aw!

[ Groans ]

You run away while I distract them.

No, you distract them, and I'll --

I'd never leave you. -Aw!

-Put these on. -Oh, my God, Ashley!

Do you know what this means?

-Fashion montage! -Fashion montage!

Unh-unh.

No.

Oh!

[ Laughing ] Yeah!

Ooh, nice!

Twin virgins! Yeah!

Yep.

-Um... -Mary Kate!

We said we were gonna lose our virginities together!

Okay, kinda weird.

I've been a terrible twin.

No, I have. I shouldn't have yelled at you.

It's okay. I forgive you.

Mm, yeah, that's it.

[ Laughs ] Yeah, now kiss. Yeah!

Both: Ew! We're sisters, you sicko!

[ Both grunting ]

♪♪

[ Both sigh ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Guns cock ]

[ Man groaning ]

Twin power! Guns! Yeah!

[ Grunts ] Take that, Jabba the Ugh!

Oh, my God, you are so funny.

Stop it. You're taller.

-Oh, you stop it. -Stop it!

[ Moaning ]

Oh, we're sisters.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.