Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

It's hard to find a great-tasting breakfast

that won't raise my cholesterol.

Did somebody ask for a tasty breakfast?!

Wow! Ohh!

Nothing beats the taste of oats and honey!

It's gr-r-r-r-r-eat!

What the fuck?! Aah!

No! No! Oh, my God, no!

This can't be happening!

It'll be okay, bee. You'll be okay.

Yeah, yeah. I'll be okay.

I'll just... [ Groans ]

[ Groans, screams ] [ Riiiiiiiiip! ]

Whoa! Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, man!

It's so cold.

Oh, my heart -- I can feel it slowing down.

Oh. Oh, it stopped. I'm -- I'm so scared.

[ Both crying ]

Honey Nut Cheerios has oats

that'll help lower cholesterol --

part of this nutritious breakfast.

♪♪

Mmm! Mmm!

Ohh. Ohh.

Sorry, babe.

Damn. That is creepy.

The way our neighbor's ex-wife spies on us every day?

[ Gulping ]

No. I mean, that -- that freakin' thing!

[ British accent ] Don't mind me.

[ Whistle toots ] Ah-la-la-la-la!

Ha ha ha ha!

Adam can't defeat Count Marzo, but He-Man can.

And maybe He-Man can -- can do it himself this time?

Oh, Cringer, always so afraid.

By the power of Grayskull!

I never consented to this.

I'm literally pissing myself!

Is this what you wanted? Is it?!

I have the power!

And I have no power!

What kind of hero forces his best friend

into violent adventures without permission?!

[ Splurt! ] Oh, great.

Now I'm shitting myself in addition to the piss.

Ha ha! [ Crying ] No!

[ Sobs ] Oh, don't point that sword at me! No!

[ Warble! Twinkle! Zap! ]

Feeling better, Battle Cat?

Yes, of course I do! I'm Battle Cat now!

I'm standing in a pool of piss, shit, and vomit,

but otherwise great.

♪ On the Magic School Bus

[ Children cheering ]

Today we're going to be learning

about the geology of mountains!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[ Children screaming ]

Goin' down!

Oh, my God!

[ Screaming continues ]

Aaaaaah!

A mountain! Ohh!

Stay calm, children.

This...is... a learning experience.

I knew I should have stayed home today and cut myself.

We're stuck in the mountains!

What are we gonna do, you dried-up hippie?!

There's only one thing we can do --

cannibalism!

There's only one thing we can do --

Whoever picks the shortest straw will get eaten.

Eat this, you psycho! Don't be silly, Ralphie.

Your penis wouldn't feed a fly.

In fact, the buttocks are the most nutritious.

Thanks for the tip.

[ All munching ]

Miss Frizzle takes just like chicken!

I just remembered -- we all brought food!

Ew! Bologna?!

Now, that's what I call eating ass.

And that sucker was flying all over the place.

Now, stop me if you've heard this.

I will, 'cause I've heard

every one of your quidditch stories, Harry.

It was zigging around. Oh, those things can move, man!

And I was the best seeker ever to play the game.

Bartender, Accio another round!

[ Whoosh! Splash! ]

Jesus! That's enough butterbeer for one night, all right?

Oh, my God, Ginny. I didn't realize you were here.

Didn't realize I was having a beer with my wife, Ginny.

Come on, Harry.

I love your new snakeskin jacket, Ginny.

Agh! Hogwarts!

Best years of my life, man.

Now my freakin' kid's there, having all the fun,

while I get stuck with the tuition bill.

Do you know what, mate? I'm done.

This conversation died

at exactly 19 minutes past 9:00 tonight.

Oh, you don't like talking to me?

Well, good luck finding another wizard

who can speak parseltongue. [ Hissing ]

I can talk to other snakes, you fucking narcissist.

Me, too!

I'm gonna go find the other snakes

and tell them what a butthole you are.

All the snakes gonna know

you're the biggest butthole of all!

Dude, you are in no condition to fly.

Oh, is that you, Mum? Oh, no, it can't be my mum.

My mum is dead!

Heigh-ho, Firebolt!

[ Crashing, thudding ] Aaaah! Ugh! Ugh! Aaah!

Man: Iceberg, dead ahead!

♪♪

Hard astern!

This is the end, lads.

Save the women and children.

Belay that order, captain.

Who dares?!

There's only one order that matters here -- ride or die!

♪♪

Jesus fucking Christ!

[ Squeak! Pop! Pop! ]

Oh, it's all about family.

♪♪

Mr. Toretto, you've saved the Titanic.

My work here is done.

Uh, no, thank you.

Oh, being naughty is the best! [ Laughs ]

We are the bad kids!

♪♪

Ew! Are you in costume,

or do you really look like that?

I have been sent to help

especially rude and naughty children.

I am Nanny McPhee. Now get down from there.

[ Twinkle! Pop! ]

Nanny McPhee, your wart!

The more you behave, the prettier I become.

Is that right?

♪ Penis, vagina, penis, vagina ♪

♪ Penis, vagina, penis in your vagina ♪

♪ Penis, vagina, penis, vagina ♪

♪ Penis

Ooh. Perhaps we took it too far.

No, ugly people are worthless. She said it herself.

That would be a terrible message, say, in a movie.

Doc, it hurts when I bend my arm like this.

Then don't bend your arm like that.

Oh, excellent diagnosis! Ha ha ha ha!

♪♪

Mr. President, they've reached the bin Laden compound.

Send in SEAL Team 5.

♪♪

Oh, oh! Aah!

♪♪

Ohh! Hah!Ohh! Hah!

What is happening?

Ohh! Hah!Ohh! Hah!

Ho! Ahhhh.Ho! Ahhhh.

Okay. I have no idea what's going on right now.

Hoo! Cha! Hoo! Cha! Hoo! Cha! Hoo! Cha!

Someone remind me what they're doing.

It's an act of faith made physical

through the beauty of dance.

Okay, fuck it. Initiate plan "B."

[ Zoom! ]

I'm ready to make a comeback.

Great, Jem! Great! Very exciting.

And how many Instagram followers do you have?

What's Instagram?

Okay, get the hell out of my office.

There are children here somewhere.

I can smell them.

Come out, my kiddie-winkies.

Come out, come out for candy!

Hello! Little children!

Is there a child in here somewhere? Hmm?

Hello. I'm Chris Hansen.

God damn it! Ugh!

Okay, I've seen the show. I'll take a seat.

It says here your given legal name is Child Catcher.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't have sex with children.

I want to make that absolutely clear!

I use them as slave labor in underground mines.

That's no so bad, is it?

Okay. You're free to go.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I know what this means.

[ Laughs ] Oh, yes!

Indeed, as soon as you exit the front door,

you will be tackled and arrested.

Oh, brother, what a show!

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ] Yeah! Yeah!

[ Bones crack ] Ohh! Ohh! Ugh!

Ohh! Oww!

[ Wham! ] Ugh! [ Whimpers ]

We've searched far and wide

to find the most eligible bachelor on earth.

This season, 25 women will compete to win the hand of...

James Bond.

James Bond.

To me, a beautiful woman is like a beautiful flower.

I can't wait to fertilize it.

He seems a little retro to me.

I bet he smells like my dad.

But that's cool.

Guys who smell like my dad and take my car away

and fuck my mom are my weakness.

Romaine: Yeah, a spray-tan date

just sounded like the perfect way

for James and I to bond.

[ Laughs ]

I just made that up. I did, really.

[ Laughs ] Turn to camera and smile.

I prefer to get my tans the old-fashioned way --

from the glowing cancer ball in the sky.

But I must say, this shade looks fantastic on me.

Romaine, come see!

So sorry, Mr. Bond, but there was an accident,

and Romaine's spray-tan

went on a little too thick.

Oh, that's so tragic...

yet sexy.

At the moment of death, her bowels released.

Like I said, sexy.

♪♪

You're eating a bowl of red meat,

and your chopsticks are lit cigars!

It's an art.

Ow! Shit! Burned my fucking face!

I'm not crazy about the way you eat.

Oh, well, I'm not crazy about the name Sienna Johnson.

My girls usually have more playful names.

How'd you feel if I called you

"Sienna Thingyoulike"? Please don't.

How about "Wanda Handjob"? No, thank you.

Platter O'Labia.

Yeah! Point break, bitches!

James and the contestants went on many dates

and attended the boom guy's funeral.

Now it's time for the rose ceremony.

Chris, beautiful women are like snowflakes --

completely interchangeable.

So I guess I'll give this rose to the babe with the hoots --

Bendover Von Assex.

Yeah, it's Amy,

and you already gave me a gift, James --

chlamydia.

You gave her chlamydia? You gave me chlamydia!

I got chlamydia!

You gave her chlamydia? You gave me chlamydia!

[ Crickets chirping ]

It burns really bad, huh?

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

Ba-gawk! Bawk.