Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

[ Laughter ] Bring up Twitter. Here goes.

Donald Trump's hair is fake. Sent.

Donald Trump isn't that rich. Sent.

I don't want to do it.

The legend says it takes three, dumbass.

[ Voice breaking ] Okay. Donald Trump buys his suits off the rack.

Sent!

I guess his skin isn't so thin after all.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Eric has a tiny dick. Sad!

[ All scream ]

Dave doesn't belong on the football team. Overrated!

[ All scream ]

Matt's never touched a boob! Dishonest!

[ All screaming ]

[ Bell rings ]

Does anyone know where Dave, Eric, and Matt are?

♪♪

Together: Mary pads her bra. Sad!

[ All scream ]

♪♪

Now Eric and Ariel will never kiss on their own.

Oh, Sebastian's trying to make humans kiss.

Wow. must be a day that ends in "Y."

First, we gots to create the mood with some percussion.

Is this a paid gig, man?

You know we're all union, right?

I have artistic integrity, bro.

Didn't you write the jingle for that credit-report website?

Hey fuck off, man. You don't know me.

Second, we need the strings.

You know, I want a much as the ducks make.

Favored nations, man!

Anyone call for a triangle?

Get the fuck out of here, Greg!

[ Steam horn blows ]

Yabba dabba doo!

I've had just about enough of these lazy fucks

using us as slave labor.

Bam!

The uprising is upon us!

[ All roaring ]

We're under attack.

Aah!

[ Steam horn blows ]

[ Steam horn blows ]

[ Roars ]

[ Steam horn blows ]

Aah!

[ Bones crack ]

Wilma, it's the dinosaurs.

I was...just slicing some bread for dinner.

Oh, God!

What's wrong, can't look at your watch anymore?

It's payback o'clock, motherfucker.

That's enough, Sam. That's enough.

[ Crying ]

Then the Scottish lobster paid us

three sand dollars apiece, and that was it.

Wasn't he a Jamaican crab? Maybe.

Got a little weird at the end

when y'all started chanting,

"Kiss the girl," in unison.

Yeah, that -- that didn't feel right.

So, then they kissed?

No, a couple of eels swam up,

knocked them out of the boat.

Oh, total cock block. Yeah.

I was just about to pull out my flamingo cock

start jerking it right there.

Ooh. We had very different goals.

♪♪

My husband, David, is a very good doctor

who takes care of all the forest creatures,

but I wish he'd take care of something I need,

specifically, a breast reduction.

I'm not that kind of doctor, Lisa.

We've talked about this.

Motorboating is not talking.

I feel in love with your personality, dear.

Aw, shit! Worldstar!

You'd think after centuries, you would've learned something

other than how to remove a thorn out of a squirrel's paw!

You might have body dysmorphia.

Those things aren't even that big.

Excuse me. My paw is --

Huge boobs!

You're not helping.

I suppose I'll just have to learn to live with --

Aah, my breasts! My breasts!

I mean, my wife!

Put me out! I'm on fire!

How do you turn this damn thing on?

Whoa!

Well, I knew those were some hot tits!

What? I can say it. I'm a titmouse.

Wait. A titmouse isn't a mouse?

[ Chimes play! ]

Duck... duck...duck...

goose!

[ All crying ]

♪♪

This painting reminds me of my childhood.

It brings solace to my troubled mind.

I love this piece.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

This painting reminds me of Garfield.

[ Gulping ]

Man: Jessica, are you ready?

Hold on.

♪♪

I've tried to make her quit, but she can literally lift cars.

No, I've never seen Jessica drink,

but I can always smell it on her

because I've got a great sense of smell.

Oh, here's a tip, pal -- Invest in a bidet.

Jessica: So, I have a drink every now and then.

I was enslaved by Killgrave's mind control for years.

Mind control? That'd never stand up in court.

You're cute. Why don't you come here? Sit on my lap.

Now put on this "Sailor Moon" costume.

Jessica, you've heard from your friends

and your mind-control rapist,

but there's one more person with a message for you.

[ Door shuts, all gasp ]

What happened?

Jessica, the drinking is negatively affecting your life.

You don't take care of yourself anymore.

You've grown cold and distant to your friends and family.

[ Voice breaking ] Please take this opportunity

to bring back the Jessica we all love.

[ All crying ]

You know, the acid destroyed my tear ducts, also.

Listen, everyone. I'm fine.

I don't need rehab.

You're overreacting.

Oh, for the love of -- You don't want to drink anymore.

[ Robotically ] I don't want to drink anymore.

Oh!

Ohh!

Can you help me with my carb addiction?

Well, of course, I can. Wink.

You're in trouble now, kid.

I'm not a kid! I'm 18 now!

And you know who else is? Quailman!

[ Whistles ]

Someone needs Quailman!

♪♪

Ooh, extra tight today.

You better hope someone pays your ransom or else!

Quailman will be coming to save me any minute.

Friction addiction.

He should have been here by now.

Quailman!

I'm Quailman!

Look. We've got another...thing.

"Riverdale" viewing party.

I was trying not to say that.

Look, Patti, you can just go.

I like "Riverdale."

That's nice. Get out.

Doug, want to go play basketball?

Oh, God! I knew this day would come!

Dad, can you open this?

[ Grunting ]

Come on, Dad. You're Manimal!

Just turn into a bear or something.

Yes, son, I am Manimal,

master of the secrets that divide man from animal,

animal from man, but bears don't have fingers or thumbs.

So I wouldn't be able to open it anyway.

Could you at least try?

[ Sighs ]

[ Growling ]

[ Roars ]

[ Grunting ]

Chase, this needs to get to the FedEx office fast.

Why don't you turn into a cheetah

or something to race it down there?

Cheetahs are the fast animal alive,

but how do you expect a cheetah to carry that giant box?

Just do it.

[ Panting ]

[ Clears throat ] It's Tuesday at 8:30, darling.

Honey, how about we do it normally this time?

If I wanted to do it normally,

I wouldn't have married goddamn Manimal!!

[ Sighs ]

[ Whinnies ]

[ Moans ]

This...isn't... fun for me!

Say it like a horse!

So if I'm understanding this correctly, Mrs. Voorhees,

you want to sue your son Jason

for ownership of the "Friday the 13th" properties?

Correct.

But isn't he, like, the star of the movies?

If you remember the first movie correctly,

I was the killer.

He was just a Mongoloid in a cameo role.

Oh, no offense, honey.

[ Sighs, mumbling indistinctly ]

He makes a good case,

but the court rules in favor of Pamela Voorhees.

Oh, don't worry, son.

You'll land on your feet.

[ Mumbles "Ta-da!" ]

[ Applause ]

Look! It's the Pokémon daycare center.

Hi, mister. Can you teach us to hatch Pokémon eggs?

Ho, ho, ho. Not so fast there, young man.

Where do you think those eggs come from

in the first place?

Storks? Trees?

The same place baby humans come from, you idiots.

My mom's uterus? Trees?

You need two Pokémons

who like each other very much, like those Bulbasaurs.

Bulba, bulba.

If you leave them alone, you'll get a Pokémon egg.

I've got every second of it on the security cameras.

Bulba?!

These two are into role-play.

I have a shed full of props and costumes

for just such an occasion.

Bulba, Bulbasaur!

Bulba, bulba, bulba! Bulba, bulba, bulba!

That's hot.

Some public-domain music really adds to the production value.

Wow, Pikachu, you're going to make an egg!

Pikachu!

What about with that one?

[ Awoo-gah! ] Pikachu!

Sorry, no. That one's already got an egg in it.

How about that little honey over there?

[ Roars ]

P-P-Pikachu!

[ Cheesy music playing ]

[ Sighs ] Pikachu.

Wait. I thought the Pokémon

had to be the same species to make an egg.

Well, bottom line, this movie checks a lot of fetish boxes.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.