Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪

Man: It's alive!

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

Narrator: Now back to Davenport, the Drama Llama.

The tempter or the tempted, who sins most?

Tis not she -- nor doth she tempt --

but it is I that...

lying by the virtue of the...

sun does as the carrion and...

not as the flower, corrupt with virtuous...

...beauty.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thanks for inviting me, Penelope.

Oh, I'm sorry -- Peppa-Mint.

So what's Chef Club about?

-Chef Club is about friendship! -Cool!

All: And owning stuff!

Like my new Sparkle Clean dishwasher.

[ Laughing heartily ] Hey, gals!

Why don't you slide those dirty plates in me,

like you're supposed to?

I always let my husband do the dishes.

[ All gasp ]

She didn't mean it, Baby!

Hey, do you guys want to take a walk

or something, like, outside?

You haven't even tried out

my super rare Moonlight Dazzle Mop.

[ Laughing heartily ] Drag my face on the floor!

Holy shit! Okay, does he feel pain?

-Who cares? -Yea--

[ Gargling ]

Yeah, I think I might take off.

Aw, come on, Sara. Sit on my face some more.

Oh, my God! The chair talks, too?

Mm-hmm. Just like the locks on the doors,

and the bars in the windows, so we never,

ever, ever have to leave our stuff again!

[ All chanting "Stuff!" ]

Hello? Jeff?

I need you to come pick me up, right now.

I'm your husband now, Sara.

Euuaaaggghhh! -Aah! Aah!

[ All chanting "Stuff!" ]

Aaaahh!

Ready for our first patient, Doc?

Achoo!

I'd say he has a cold, Mom.

You're right, Doc. What do you recommend?

Plenty of rest and some chicken soup.

And he'll be good as --

My baby! She got hit by a car!

Pupils fixed and dilated. Possible subdural hematoma.

We need to intubate. Wind pipe is crushed.

Trach her! -[ Gasps ]

Her heart stopped! I'm going in!

Maybe she just needs a pick-me-up song!

Rib spreader!

♪ A doctor's office is a real nice place! ♪

[ Grunting ]

♪ A lollipop puts a smile on your face ♪

[ Exhales sharply ]

Come on, breathe, damn it, breathe!

[ Retches ]

[ Coughing ]

Phew!

All in a day's work, right, kiddo?

I want to be an accountant.

I can be anything I want!

After all, we animals overcame our baser instincts

and now we're thinking, caring, talking creatures.

Wahhhhhh! My insides are outside!

[ Whimpers ] What kind of world is this?!

Eughh, bugs! Gross!

[ Chuckling ] Whoops!

Almost forgot my life preserver.

Oh, Jesus, I just need to see this.

Oswald, you know you're an octopus, right?

You literally cannot drown.

Safety first!

Oh fuck me.

[ Grunts ] -Oohh!

Huh.

Um...Huh.

[ Heavy metal music playing ]

♪ Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs

♪ What, what

♪ Mutant teen pig-people hogs are ♪

♪ Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs

♪ Road Haaaaaawgs!

♪ Manpig, Pigman, Flank, and Steve ♪

♪ They're pigs on wheels that honk and squeal ♪

♪ Road Hawgs

♪ Used to be human, no one fightin' ♪

♪ But their dad accidentally turned them into swines ♪

♪ Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs

♪ Swallow porcine DNA

♪ Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs

♪ Now they're mutated in a terrible way ♪

♪ Road Hawgs

If we're ever gonna find an antidote,

we'll need to stop Dr. Bovine from...

Hey, where's Flank?

Saw him out back earlier.

Steve, have you seen Flank?

Uhh...

[ Dramatic music plays ]

No.

Steve?!

Guys, uh, look...

[ Laughing ] I just -- I love bacon soooo much!

It's so good!

Us too, buddy. Us too.

Then I guess...

Let's eat, man! -Trickin' awesome!

♪ Road Hawgs!

Brought to you by the makers of "Cheese League."

Narrator: And now, Taking A Guess At Shows We Don't Watch.

Nacho cheese! Nacho cheese!

In...Seattle?

♪♪

Cheese...

Seattle...

in...?

Oh, my God. The time!

[ Gulping ]

Ahh! Shake it off!

Fucking keys! Ruhh!

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Tires screech ]

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

Smells like beer.

Buddy, I just forgot.

[ Sighs ] You always forget.

Son...

Daddy's going through a tough time, but...

I love you more than life --

Look out!

[ Screams, tires screeching ]

Please, God! Someone help me!

My son needs a doctor! Please!

I can help!

You can? Are you a doctor?!

Yes, my friend.

My name is Dr. Sunjayvandanacandanapecarpecar.

Huh?!

Welcome to Westworld,

where you can you live out your every fantasy.

This better be good, Ford.

I present to you our very first host,

Dolores, generation one.

She's...so...lifelike!

No, no, no. Not "she." It.

We must never forget that the hosts are not real.

I mean, I'll try, but...wow.

[ Clears throa ] Dolores, take one.

[ Clears throat ] Howdy, y'all!

Can they, you know, uhhhh, have...sex?

Why don't you ask it?

Hello, Dolores? You look lovely.

May we have sexual intercourse?

[ Take recorder rewinding ]

Yes -- to the thing you said!

Whoo! Ow! All right! Don't wait up!

[ Door opens, slams shut ]

Imagine a whole world of these hosts.

-[ Grunting ] -Catering to your every --

-[ Moaning, air hissing ] -I broke it.

Also, the tape recorder gave me a gash on my forehead.

[ Tape recorder rewinding ]

[ Mumbling nonsensicall ]

[ Tape recorder rewinds ]

[ Mumbling nonsensicall ]

Huh. That's a boner killer.

Wow, I can't believe

I'm finally getting Lasik surgery!

Wow, I can't believe they sold a laser to a rabbit!

Hi, we're the American Pickers, cruising the country

and learning about history

while digging through other people's junk.

Mind if we come in and have a look around?

[ Mumbling ]

Whoa, Frankie, do you see that?

Yeah, Mike. I do.

1917 Goldstein Brothers cast-iron stove.

In the stove-picking game, this is the holy grail.

So what would you need for the stove? $500?

[ Chain saw buzzing ]

Wow!

As usual, Frankie comes out the gate with a low-ball offer

and nearly blows the whole pick.

What about these meat hooks?

Would you take...$100 apiece?

[ Mumbling agreeably ]

I'm a meat-hook guy.

Meat hooks are big sellers in our Nashville store.

I got Leatherface to come down on the stove,

and even though it cost me an arm, it didn't cost me a leg.

That's what I call a good pick!

Woman: What happens when four best friends

write each other letters about how they really feel?

The letters have been delivered.

"We're best friends, and I love you."

Aw!

"But I have to tell you that you're weak.

I mean, I've heard of damsels in distress,

but you make Princess Peach look like Ronda Rousey"?

What? Okay, who wrote this?

Can't wait for that letter.

[ Chuckles heartily ]

"For the love of God, get some fucking contacts."

That's all they wrote?

"I think you two have a serious addiction problem."

Like, oh, boy, Scoob.

They're sayin' we gotta stop eatin' Scooby Snacks!

They rrha'?!

[ Chuckles ]

What do you mean I don't have a letter?

Man: Um, the show is only about four best friends.

[ Chuckles nervously ] You're kidding, right?

I didn't make the cut? Did the dog make the cut?

Woman: Each friend has one week to improve themselves.

I can't believe they called me a damsel in distress.

[ Train whistle approaching ]

Wait a minute...

[ Chuckling ] This is not my yoga class.

-Give us the mic! -Give me my letter!

Like, dude, we can do it, old pal.

Just one week. With nuh-- with no --

With no fucking Scooby Snacks, man!

Like, I'm freakin' out!

Fuck! No!

Woman: It's been a week since the gang received their letters.

Let's see if they fixed their flaws.

Like, man, I will sell you a body part

for one Scooby Snack!

I'd rrhuck your rrhick! [ Sobs ]

Guys... I got Lasik!

-Rra'?! -They're still healing.

[ Door bursts open ]

[ Grunts ]

Enough sittin' around, shit for brains!

Let's do this!! [ Grunts ]

Ow!

Hmm...

If the owner died a decade ago, why start haunting now?

Oh, I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?

The fifth wheel? Because --

Let's get this son of a bitch!

-Hey! -Who's your mother?!

-Ow! -Yeah! Get over here!

-[ Glass shatters ] -[ Grunting ]

Now let's see who the "ghost" really is.

[ Grunting ]

[ All gasping ]

Butler.

Called it.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.