Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

Man: It's alive!

[ Thunder rumbles ]

[ Grunting ]

Boots, tell them we mean them no harm.

Uh, eeh, eeh, eek, eek, ooh, oog, ooh.

[ Grunts ]

Uh, what'd they say?

Boots, you son of a bitch.

Yo, what's up, Suge Knight?

I'm your engineer. Who we recording today?

You about to witness history, kid.

We gonna be blazing a track with Tupac, Biggie, and Aaliyah.

Oh, what? How?

Yo, whitey, walk your frosty ass in here.

Unh, drop that beat.

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

[ Yelling ]

This is gonna be the biggest album of the century!

Oh, no, unh-unh. Oh, no!

[ Hip-hop music plays, yelling ]

[ Distorted voice ] I sense you have a...sister.

If you will not turn to the Dark Side,

perhaps she will.

No! Leia will never turn.

W-Wait. Princess Leia?

Yes, and I'll stop you before --

Shut up! Just shut up for a second!

I need a major time-out here!

Can I help you find something?

I need an "I'm sorry to daughter" card.

Can you be more specific?

[ Whirring ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Whirring intensifies ]

Uh, I'd rather not.

Hmm, how about Ziggy? He always seems to --

Stop! You had me at "Ziggy."

[ Laughs ] Oh, leave it to Ziggy to sum it up perfectly.

[ Roars ]

My dear Dr. Grant,

welcome to the Cool Dinosaur Place that's the Best!

Uh, is that name set in stone?

Yes, nailed it!

Ready to see my chocolate factory?

♪ Follow me to a world of magical fantasy ♪

[ Rattling ]

[ Line ringing ]

This is Jeff. It's Willy.

Can you buzz me in, please?

♪ Before your eyes

[ Buzzer, door rattles ]

Didn't open, Jeff.

Really? I-I pushed 8.

No, Jeff, pound first, then 8.

♪ To a place where dreams are sweeter than candy ♪

[ Dial tone, line rings ]

Sorry, I pushed "End call."

Jeff, how about you just come open the door for us?

♪ Licorice chairs

I'm not supposed to leave the desk.

Jeff, I'm Willy fucking Wonka,

so just come open the fucking door, Jeff.

♪ Take a breath

[ All gasp ]

♪ Come with me

No, Jeff! No!

A bunch of strangers invited to a fancy dinner.

What is going on?

Perhaps we all have something in common.

Well, what could it be?

I am a beautiful, cultured heiress to an oil fortune.

I am a retired Navy ship commander.

I am a hunter of big game.

Well, I'm technically an aspiring actor,

but to pay the bills,

a dude I met on Craigslist pays me to dress up

as Yosemite Sam and jerk off

while he watches from another room via two-way glass.

And I own a bank.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Woman screams ]

Oh, my, the maid has been murdered.

So, how much you get paid?

And how often?

About a thousand bucks a session, and it depends --

sometimes once a week, sometimes 20 times a week.

[ Thunder crashes, man screams ]

The cook has been murdered, too.

Oh, no.

Do you put the costume on at his house or drive there in it?

I usually put the costume on at home.

I have to glue the beard on.

[ Thunder crashes, woman screams ]

So, do you get paid if you don't finish?

That's a good question. It's kind of a two-part answer.

Announcer: Bugs Bunny -- the rumors, the speculation.

Now the interview.

I started dressing as a woman to trick Elmer Fudd.

But I kept dressing as a woman for me.

Oh, yeah, everyone wanted to fuck her.

Bugs Bunny as a woman is hot!

[ Laughs ]

I'm half-mast thinking about it wight now.

The doctors gave him a new puddy.

I saw it, I did!

I did see his new puddy!

It's wabbit season in my pants.

Watch it, pal!

The terminator went back in time to kill my mom.

Kyle, you have to keep her safe, or I'll never be born.

But remember, any changes made to the past

will affect things here.

[ Bell jingles ]

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Oh, no.

That son of a bitch is already making changes!

[ Bell jingles ]

Aah!

Paper route terminated!

Oh, how lame!

And why do I have a tattoo of Olympic skier Picabo Street?

I'm spelling my name!

T-E...

oh, no. The reserves depleted.

What the hell is he even doing back there?

Yo soy Juan Connor?

♪ La, la, la

♪ Doo, doo, doo

[ Goats bleat ]

[ Laughs ] I will be quack.

[ Laughs ]

[ Castanets clicking ]

[ Groans ]

Ai-yai-yai.

Yo soy Juanita Connor!

[ Computerized beeping ]

Next audition for "Magic Mike."

This is David Copperfield.

[ Coughs ] You want to be in "Magic Mike"?

Well, now, how can I be in "Magic Mike"

if I already am Magic Mike?

Um, huh. Okay. Did you read the script?

Oh, yes, the script. Now, where did I put that?

The script!

Whoa! That was incredible.

Um, yeah, that -- that script.

Oh, uh, I-I did not read it.

It's -- it's not really about magic.

You know what's magic?

That feeling you had when your dad bought you...

your first car!

[ Gasps ] That is fucking amazing!

But the thing is, this movie is about strippers.

You'd have to be completely naked.

Thank you for seeing me.

Aah!

♪ Eel drums

♪ With the steel drums

♪ Eel drums

♪ With the steel drums

♪ We're ee-ee-eel, eel drums

[ Scatting ]

[ Upbeat music playing ]

[ Machine-gun fire ]

[ Bird shrieks ]

Flappykins! Aah!

Well, guys, we may as well

confront the elephant in the room.

Oh, you mean the eagle, man.

I mix up words for stuff, too.

Like -- Like earlier, I called my fork a stabby spoon.

Shut the fuck up, Zapper! I'm talking about my name.

I can't be Captain Eagle without my eagle,

and that means we're no longer Eagle Force.

Fork bowl! That's what I call a spoon.

Shut the fuck up, Zapper!

We need a new name, and we need it right now!

Uh, Gun Team!

No, dog, Bullet Brothers.

Ooh, how about Kaboom Force?

Boots! We're all wearing boots! Something boots!

-Blam-a-rama! -Boot Brutes!

We're the Boot Brutes!

Ooh! I know! I know!

Eagle Force!

All: Shut the fuck up, Zapper!

Okay, our new name is Blam-a-rama,

and I am Captain Blam.

That's a Whole Foods name tag, und it says Oscar.

[ Laughs ] Got your bird!

It's a placeholder, okay?

We weren't expecting you to kill our eagle!

Now let's fight!

You heard Oscar! Eagle Force, attack!

Goddamn it, Zapper!

Operation Relaxation engage.

Creed seminal album "Human Clay."

Eject! Eject!

[ "With Arms Wide Open" plays ]

♪ With arms wide open ♪

In the whole of Middle-earth, there was found a Hobbit...

...whose dick was so long, he could slob it.

Two "Project Runway" finalists.

Only one can be the winner.

Chardonnay, you're amazing.

Thank you!

And, Edna, you are...

Incredible?

Darling, the only reason I'm on this show

is to expose it as the fraudulent fashion farce it is.

Wunderbar!

Chardonnay, from day one, you made us rethink

what we thought about thinking about fashion.

Edna, you won challenge after challenge, blowing us away.

The rocket launchers don't work for me.

You killed Michael Kors,

and you killed it on the runway.

But will you kill it with your final presentation?

Heidi, darling, you're like my first BMW.

You're old, German, and you both blew a Seal.

That burn was so hot, I almost changed my inflection.

Your final challenge is to design capes!

No capes!

Edna, I'm checking your progress.

So far today, darling, all I've done

is this sketch of you wearing a lace bikini

sucking off a Clydesdale horse.

May I keep that?

But what about the cape, Edna?

Why don't you do me a favor, darling?

Take your last name, put it in your mouth,

and pull the trigger.

I'm so flustered right now,

I almost stopped talking in monotone.

Chardonnay, your capes were exceptional.

Edna, you made a bold choice and didn't make any clothes.

Hush, my darling.

Using synthetic self-fastening fibers,

Heidi, I'm dressing you like a polar bear

because you are tall, white,

and you have Seal DNA in your stomach.

And I dressed your geriatric manservant like Carmen Miranda

because it accentuates his eyes.

This isn't the first time I've been covered in fruits.

Edna, you changed how we see ourselves.

You are the winner. Chardonnay, you're out.

[ Sobbing ] Oh, my!

You forgot to say one thing, darling.

Auf wiedersehen.

[ Beep, whirring ]

Ooh, let's do "launch."

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

[ Roars ]